if i could throw a parade for lexapro and how it saved my life, i totally would.

What a moving and important post. Thanks. (Hi JJ!)

Amen. Ditto. Hear! Hear! And Oh Yes.

Thank you for saying it over and over. I say would you hesitate to take chemo if it would help you live? Or go on dialysis if you had to? Why would we embrace this help any less?

Neurontin literally saved my life and my two babies have a mama to show for it.

I was afraid and ashamed and so very...overwhelmed at the prospect of beginning the journey through and over therapy. You articulated that fear exactly, and good for you and your family for taking care of it sooner rather than later. I truly believe that family, for many, is what keeps the real person there.

You're right, too - on the side of clarity, things are better - so much better. And good on ya for not forgetting how dark and awful and frightening the other side is, for too many.

From another very big fan of 40 mg/day Prozac, thank you for saying this so well. No shame, no worries, just a damn fine life now that I have stopped throwing up 5 or 6 times a morning and I'm, you know, showering. :-)

There is nothing like realizing that someone and someTHING can help you. That you don't HAVE to be victim to your own brain forever, and that it's OK to "need".
I have spent most of my marriage apologizing for being "crazy", even though my husband has been nothing but loving, supportive, and helpful. The guilt you feel when your imbalances spill over into what should be a happy relationship...it's unimaginable.
I'm on Celexa now and seeing a really good therapist who actually makes me feel like a person. I'm a military wife, and finding the right help for myself or even my soldier husband is always an uphill battle.

Being part of your life, in at least the way you have made me a part of your life, is so valuable. It's always comforting to know that real people in real places are dealing with some of the same things, and they still find time to laugh.

Thanks to you, to Jon, and to Leta.

Being from a family full of panic disorder, I cannot thank you enough for posting this. People need to understand that unexplained anxiety and depression are physical illnesses, not something you get over if you "put your mind to it."

My husband is diabetic - I don't see him thinking, "Hmmm, maybe if I *think* about it hard enough my insulin production will become normal." That would be ludicrous. People should understand that it's the same thing with brain chemicals. Diet and exercise help but you *need* medicine to get better.

Thank you Heather. I was recently diagnosed with depression and have decided
to take medication along with the therapy I am doing. Getting over the stigma is hard, but reading what you have written makes it a little bit easier. I will be re-reading this often.

Well said - thank you for sharing.

Amen. Thank you, I hope it helps someone make a decision to move forward.

Wow. I actually needed to read this today because I went off my meds over the summer and I am now thinking it may have been a bad idea for any number of reasons/incidents in the past couple months. I am glad that you posted this today and it may have done me more good than anything would have today.

Wow. Wow. Wow. WOW.

Thank you x a million. You know, had I read this anywhere else I might not have really taken it in. But I read your blog daily and most days my life is pretty similar to yours. So I'm emailing this to my hubby who is on the fence about taking pills.

YES! Good for you! I'm so glad there are people out there that are able to talk about this stuff without feeling like they are freaks. I really appreciate the honesty and support for all of us that feel this way.......Thanks for making my day!

How can you not say something to your friend if you have the confidence of your convictions. She will either hear you or she won't, but you'll know you've done what you can to help.

This is a refreshingly honest story, if it doesn't help your friend, it will help someone.

Thank you for writing this - I too have stopped agonising about why things that seem so simple for other people are impossible for me without medication - I just think this is what I have to do to lead a semblance of a normal life. Small price to pay. I wish I could be as honest though...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It has taken me about 4 years to realize and admit to myself that my Zoloft is not a temporary fix but something I need to take daily and there is no shame or weakness about it. It's just the way it is and I never have to bottom out again.

thanks. need new/diff meds and therapy but dont want to deal w/ the pain of it. after years of no real life i know its time. thanks 4 the reminder. my new motto - life is great, as long as i never think about it. i just want life to leave me alone, but it persists on bothering me. i feel so sorry for my parents. see now i am thinking about life and is fucking sucks.

forwarding this to someone who needed to read just this exact message.. thanks, heather.

Hi Heather--

Thank you so much for posting this. Many of my relatives have some form of mental illness and many others still think they should "suck it up" and stop "whining about depression".

Therapy saved my life. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you, Heather, for sharing! It is so nice for people to be able to read about your past, and know that therapy and drugs really can help people, not make them weak. I'm so happy they have helped you to stay and have such a wonderful family, not run away from it all.

My late father in law resisted finding help, despite everyone around him pleading for him to do so. For those of us that aren't battling, it seems so simple and easy to go find someone to talk to, to go speak with a doctor who might be able to prescribe the right path. But it's incredibly tough for those that are actually in the fight and I know that he would've seen it as failure if he had admitted that there was a problem. He took his own life and I know he's at peace now, but I wish he were at peace here, with us.

This post just convinced me to see my doctor. I've been trying to WILL myself over my depression. Giving excuses and explaining away the issue until I've convinced everyone but myself that I'm fine.

Thank you for the kick, Heather. Thank you a whole lot.

Having taken care of my younger sister's two older children after she gave birth, I know that postpartum depression is no joke. Thus, it's inspiring to have you share your story so that others can know that there is help out there if they genuinely want it.

Reading this may be the push I need to talk to someone about my anxiety. When spending 20 dollars at the doctor about my finger that I smashed in the car door (read the blog for the almost play by play) to make sure the gash doesn't require a tetanus shot, ends in panic and anxiety that almost has me in tears at work, I think I have mroe than a small issue. Especially if this is recurring.

Thank you for being so honest.

YESSSSSSS. You go, girl. You tell them. Last week I had to listen to someone tell me about her mother being on antidepressants for 20 years and not being able to cry when she felt sad. She didn't feel it had done her mother any good, and she wished she could just throw out all antidepressants. I looked into her eyes, and just said that I disagreed with her.

What I should have told her was that I'd been on Zoloft for two years and that it had worked wonders for me, that it had not just patched up the hole in the bottom of my soul, it had filled it in with me, with a calmer, more patient, more capable me. I no longer fall into that hole and live in a deep dark sludge. I no longer find most actions of daily life an incredible effort to accomplish. I am a better mother to my children. I am no longer discussing divorce with my husband.

I was originally prescribed Zoloft to help me sleep, but when I reported my actions to my sleep doctor he immediately upped the dosage. I talked to a counselor about my depression and she was determined to pin my depression on something, and when she found out that my mother had bipolar disorder she wanted me to blame all my problems on her.
Well, I don't have mania. I have depression. I think I've had it since grade school. I think it is a chemical problem for me, some inner workings don't do something right. I can't pin these feelings to any outer cause. They just are there, or were there, since I am on Zoloft now and it's helping me immensely.

I have read through several past years of your blog and I am so glad that someone who has as many readers as you do can stand up and tell us what helped her during her times of trouble. Hopefully it will lead more people to accepting they have a problem and getting themselves some help. Maybe the next time I see that other woman who denied antidepressants worked, I will now have the courage to tell her how I have been helped.

Sorry this turned out so long, just had to spill my guts, I guess.

Wonderful, great post!

And why the hell did they ever have you on Risperdal, at any point? Even at my novice level at medication knowledge, I know that one didn't make any sense (for you) from what you've written about.

Again great post, beautiful and succinctly said.

Well said Heather!

As the saying goes around our house:

'Better living though chemistry!!'

:)

My boyfriend has chronic major refractory depression and generalized anxiety disorder, so I've come over the last year and a half to understand a little bit more what it must have been like for you. Unfortunately, that little word "refractory" basically makes it so that there's no one drug that will keep working for him for longer than... oh, I'd venture to say six months at a time. And even then it doesn't necessarily bring him completely back from the depression state, really.

He's thinking seriously on going up to Washington state for some ECT treatment, which I have mixed feelings about. On one hand, it scares the bejeezus out of me. On the other, the only thing I wish for him is just some peace, since it's not acute depression and will never be "cured". I want him to be able to function for a long enough period of time to be able to finish a semester of school, then stretch that into a few semesters, to a diploma, to law school as he dreams. So here's to hoping that his ECT is to him as your 40mg of Prozac is to you -- a stable "fix" that will keep him going long enough to be able to enjoy his life.

I am going to try to get pregnant but I am concerned about the possible effects of the antipsychotics/anticonvulsants on my future child. I am scared to go off the meds but scared to stay on. Both sides have their pros and cons, how did you make the decision? Do you know of any resources online?
Thanks for sharing your life with us, I too became interested in your blog because of your sharing.
PS Chuck makes me happy. Thanks for his pictures.

Thank you for being so open about your experiences. I've been there, done that and I've never understood why anyone would choose to continue going through it! I've learned to cope with my issues but that doesn't make it easier for those around me. It's not something to be ashamed of and I encourage anyone who feels they need help to do so. I've watched my mother fight for the last 10 plus years trying to get herself straightened out with her medications, my grandmother is probably hopeless at this point because she's 81 and determined to be miserable and while I've taken different things only to be let down, I know there's probably a day that I'll need to be back on something. I'd rather be happy and functional than laying on the kitchen floor in a heap.

Good luck to you guys!

Thank you for being SO strong and posting this. I started taking Effexor after my husband was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. I didn't realize how unhappy I had been until I felt happy for the first time in years. (Not that I was happy about the cancer but I wasn't even happy about the little things before.) My husband didn't want me to take it but I didn't care. I needed it.

You don't tell someone with asthma to get over it and just breathe or tell someone with a diabetes to just produce insulin. Once people realize that mental illness is a real illness and not just in your head, the world will be better off.

And sure there are the cases of people taking drugs when they probably don't need to. But that is what health professionals are for. Hopefully there are enough good ones to help.

thank you for this post heather.
some days I wish I could just call you. few people I am close to can really understand this. thank you for providing so many readers with a silent friend that reminds us that we ALL have struggles. I truly appreciate this website more than you know.

I, too will be forwarding this to someone I think may really need to read it.

Very well said Heather!

Also, what a wonderful marriage to have the strength to get through this. So many men would have just stereotyped your behavior.

you have no idea how important it was for me to read this today...things are slowly becoming clear to me. thank you.

Hi Heather,
You are brilliant. I love your site and read it every day. I will also be on some kind of medicine for the rest of my life. I liken it to being a diabetic. No one says a thing about a diabetic needing insulin. Our mis-wired brains will need some kind of help for the rest of our lives. I function today because of Lexapro AND Wellbutrin. I believe in better living through chemistry! Thanks.

What a wonderful post. I know so many who cannot bring themselves to get help. Mental health should be our number 1 health issue, sadly it is not.

I understand the hesitation in talking to friends. When I first went on medication for chronic depression and anxiety, I was astounded at the change and told everyone I knew. It was a miracle cure for me. It was interesting to see the varying reactions amongst my friends. That was an eye opener.

I'm still open about taking medication and seeking help when needed and I encourage others to do so. But I am sometimes less ready to blurt it out to just anyone. That's a shame.

I too will go back to the therapist at the first sign I need to, and have done so 3 times with great success. I agree, life saving.

Thank you!

Thank you for this. I have anxiety and depression, and now I realize it started in high school, but I didn't admit I had a problem till I was in college and slept through my entire fall semester because getting out of bed was too exhausting and scary and stressful. I cried at everything, had several incapacitating anxiety attacks, basically terrified my roommates. I thankfully went to an awesome doctor, who tried Lexapro first, miraculously it worked for me, and it has saved my life. I still have down times, and I've even had a few anxiety attacks in the two years I've been on it, but I function. Even on my bad days I can function. It's not always pretty, but it's life. It's still hard to admit sometimes, I always want to hide it from my roommates, but I know that I need them to know, just in case.

Thanks.

Congratulations on such a moving and necessary post, but the funniest thing to me was the names of the drugs.

"Abilify" sounds like something Dubya would say. "We need to abilify our troops to protectorate themselves!"

I will never, ever, live a life without meds. If I could, I'd have a Wellbutrin shrine in my house. I used to be ashamed of taking it, like I was a failure because I couldn't be happy on my own. But as you mentioned, I'm the happiest "failure" in the world on meds. Depression is a disease, same as my hypothyroidism.

I think my grandmother was bi-polar, and my mom probably could have used some medication too, but neither lived long enough to see the 21st century medication we have now. If only...

By the way, this blog is brilliant. I'd start a blog, but I could never live up to this one, not in a million years.

This post will be a gift for many. For some it will simply be validating. For others, it represents possibility. Either way, you have done a big thing by writing this today. I thank you.

Thank you for confirming what I already know.

After several months on leave from my job to work on this relentless depression, I was faced with the unfair decision to continue my ECT treatments and lose my job or go back to work and walk away from the only thing that has helped lighten the effects of this tormenting cloud that hangs over me.

It's three months later my depression is back, wicked as ever and I'm again having to face the same decision. This time, I'm choosing treatment because there is no salary that makes this darkness worth it.

Again, thank you.

I kind of am afraid of reading anyone else's comments because I'm deathly afraid some bambaklaat might be in there spewing the hate (what I've caught scrolling down has been positive, though) because thank you. THANK YOU!

B-R-A-V-E-R-Y. Those are your uppercase letters.

Thank you for talking about your experience. I wish more people got the help they needed, whether that be counseling, medication, a combination, or just a set of lifestyle changes. My grandmother never believed in depression, and because of her my father never got treatment. I don't know what my life would be like if he was still around, but my guess is "better than this."

I don't take meds. But I am in therapy, and have been for two years. I now tell anyone who is interested - I have panic disorder and I am in therapy - I am not ashamed, and am even liberated by celebrating my flaws. And you are the one that helped me to see that I needed to find someone - I didn't have to suffer by myself anymore. I started reading your blog around the time you were hospitalized - and your openness about your problems helped me to see that it's okay to need help. I will probably be in therapy for a while (so many issues) - but I am so much better - panic free and dealing with life. Thanks.

Amen.

Around the age of 40 I got sick of being a raging asshole, and went to the doctor and asked for something to stop it. They said it was depression, ok, fine, whatever, I just have bursts of rage that are totally out of proportion to the cause. I did not attack any loved ones, but I wasn't pleasant.

After a year of trying various chemical cocktails I settled on Zoloft, Lithium and Neurontin (for my restless legs more than anything else). I eventually tried getting off the pills due to expense, but it sent me into such a deep dark depression I had to go back on the Zoloft if nothing else.

They're not 'happy' pills, they simply even you out. I still get angry now and then but not the screaming road-rage-aholic I was.

The fact is mental health is as important as physical and why not make sure that if you have a problem it gets taken care of? It may only be temporary, but until one gets checked out one never knows.

Bravo for your continued stand on this common sense approach. You will not be alone standing in the 'weak' line, as if that made a difference.

Amen, Sister,
You said it. Zoloft gave me my life back and I thank goddess or whomever every day for it. I feel so lucky to live in this century where (at least in affluent parts of the world) people do not have to suffer despair and anguish because of a chemical imbalance. You'd get your broken arm fixed, wouldn't you?? Same thing with your psyche.

Thank you, Heather, for spreading the word and putting your name to it.

There are a lot of words that I could use to say how reading about your struggle and victory with PPD changed the way I thought about myself. I had depression during pregnancy, and depression after, and simply being able to say to my husband, "Honey, I'm depressed, I need your help." did wonders in those months. Reading about how candid you are about your depression did a lot for me, especially reading how Jon supports you and loves you in spite of and because of the C-R-A-Z-Y :) But none of those words could ever say as much as a simple "THANK YOU" for this post and for sharing your life with the rest of us.

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing, Heather.

Thank you for sharing this. Being treated for what ails you should not ever be stigmatized, be it mental or otherwise.

Personally, I get by with the help of my friends Zoloft, Lamictal and Adderall.

After three years of doing nothing, and four years of trying to find what would work, I've been stable for a year on Celexa. It's so wonderful to feel like myself again, for the first time since before I got pregnant. I am all about telling people what to look for, because the first time I really felt like myself, really calm, I knew it was going to be all right.

I started having problems when I was a child.

The medication doesn't change WHO I am, it just helps me be the WHO that I want to be. And I won't stop taking it again just because other people don't understand.

I tried three other medications before I found the one (and the dose) that worked best, with the least side effects.

Sometimes it takes a few tries.

Jo Ann
Cymbalta 40mg in am, 20mg in pm

AMAZING post today Heather. Kudos to you for continuing to speak out. It's brave. My bonkers medicine (as my friend, Drew, calls it) saved my life.

You are THE best! Thank you very much.

Thank you so much for not only presenting your problem, but also for presenting it in such a forthright way.

Heather, I am a generation older than you and I grew up with a mother who kept secrets. Seems that my aunt, my mother's sister, who I loved very much, suffered from physiological depression and after the birth of my two cousins she was diagnosed with post-partum depression which, supposedly, lasted until she died, more than five decades later. At the time she was treated with painful electric shock and spent time in a hospital. I never knew about this condition until I was grown and far from my family, where I have remained.

My late aunt's oldest daughter, the cousin I was closest to growing up, now suffers from OCD and is completely dominated by her husband, who, according to my other cousin, is worse than my uncle (my aunt's husband) and also by her children. My cousin will probably never be able to take charge of her life and make the decision to seek help.

One of my mother's two brothers also suffered from depression and committed suicide. This was years ago.

You are fortunate to have a husband and helpmate like Jon at your side, but ultimately it was your decision to seek help that turned the tide. I am sure your post will help many others.

I suffer from type 2 bipolar disorder.

I take Cipralex, which causes sleepiness, dizzy spells, and joy of joys, sometimes I get the shits from it.

I also take Epival, a very strong anti-epileptic that is used to also treat bipolar patients. It's hard on my liver, and it runs a slight chance of killing me.

And yes, I put myself through this, because the two years I have been taking drugs to treat the bipolar disorder, my life stopped being a dead end. I'm just like you - I'm going to be on medication for the rest of my life. And I'm just fine with that.

Thank you for posting this.

Bless you, Heather. Hopefully your post will have an impact on your friend or whoever it is, and they will get the help they need.

I'm happy you got the help YOU needed. I'm so happy you're here.

From yet another Lexapro-saved soul.

Thank you, Dooce. A year and a half ago at a very difficult time you are the reason I finally felt ok to seek help. And it has changed my life. I only wish I'd been less stubborn and not waited as long as I did. I wish I could sing your praises from every mountain top and so does everyone that knows me as we are all SO DAMN HAPPY now that I'm back :)

Thank you.

I too, will always be on something. And that's okay.

My story is very similar to yours - I suffer from severe anxiety disorder that probably started earlier than high school. I finally gave in and started medication in college and it made a whole world of difference. I foolishly went off of it for a few months after I started feeling better and went through a very dark period. Luckily I have had a supportive family, fiance, and medical staff (a therapist who has saved my life many times). I agree with you - I will never be off the medication, and it's a fact I accept and choose wholeheartedly. I wish you and your friend much luck!

As someone who has suffered with depression and anxiety for years and years and can't quite grasp why the stigma against getting help still exists...thank you.

Amen. 10mg/day Lexapro after the longest 2 months of my life and I'm a whole new person. I can wake up and face the day. I still have low points but what a difference.
-J

Thanks so very much for taking the time to write this, Heather. Having the courage to do what works for you and be proud of it isn't Crazy ... it's 'nads baby!

Heather,

Why does it take women so long to admit they need help. What you described in your blog today sounds exactly like what I have been dealing with for the past few years. I am now on several medications to help with depression and mood stabilizers and am so much happier with life. I am a non functioning bitch when I am unmedicated yet for years I felt I was OK and could handle things. I have been on the medications I take now for just over a year and am so much more peace with my life than I think I have ever been. Thank you for sharing it is nice to know others have dealt with the same struggles.

Melissa

Amen. Wellbutrin is the reason I am here today. I waited until I was 25 because my parents were so adamant that whatever problems I had were just my fault for not being able to "pull it together" and that a Rx would just make me sick. It still makes me sad to think of my younger self, who suffered for nine years needlessly because I didn't take the antidepressants the first time they were prescribed for me.

For me, as well, the change was almost instantaneous. I had been in bed for seven weeks and suddenly (the very next day, actually) I was able to go grocery shopping. It was absolutely a miracle. (I know I was really lucky and that it takes longer for some people, but this was my experience.) No one who has ever experienced this could have any doubt about the chemical nature of depression. There was no possible way I could have just "pulled myself" out of this. Because taking that first pill was like flipping on a light switch that I couldn't reach on my own.

I tell this to everyone I know in the hopes that one person won't go a day longer without at least trying another option for help. It cannot be said enough how worth it it is just to try.

Fantastic. I've been reading your blog for awhile, but have never posted a response even though so much of what you write resonates with me. But this time I have to say thank you.

My 82 year old mother was diagnosed with late-life bi-polar disorder a couple of years ago. A diagnosis that came after a 3-week hospitalization in a psych ward, after which she was put on medication. I can't tell you the mix of joy and sadness that my sisters and I felt about this. Joy because we finally saw our mother responding to crisis with reason and not hysteria. But sadness because of how long she waited to get herself treated. Years of depression and mania that took its toll on her and us, all because she worried about being called crazy.

I am so happy to know my crazy mom. And crazy now is only used in our conversation when we're talking about the time when we *didn't* do something.

What happened to the Zoloft?

I understand going off of it while pregnant, and perhaps not while breastfeeding.. But with the prior success, why wasn't that your first try once you went to the hospital?

THANK YOU

About 6 months ago, I asked my doctor for help. Told her I was having dark days, lost my energy, was avoiding social situations, lost my focus, was angry all the time, etc.

She told me to find a way to work through it. On my own.

Flash forward to today, and I'm still angry. And crying a lot. And yelling too much.

So THANK YOU for putting this out there today. I think it's time to find a different doctor. One who might actually, you know, help.

Thank you. Maybe my boyfriend will be able to hear this from you better than he hears it from me. I'm coming from the outside, never having spent a second of my life feeling the crippling anxiety and depression that he's had every day for over ten years now. Watching the biggest 'tough guy' I know break down on a regular basis and then refuse to get help come morning is the hardest thing I've ever done. Just an idea...is there any way that Jon could write something like this from his side? I can't be the only partner out there who's overwhelmed by trying to help someone with something I can't begin to understand.

Thank you. What I just read has given me that final little nudge I needed to gain control of my life again.

Thanks Heather. That whole ordeal that you went through is one of the things that has kept me coming back to your blog, because I relate so much. And Effexor is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I still have ups and downs, but they are normal, healthy ups and downs.

Heather, you are awesome as always! Thank you!

THANK YOU! After years of therapy and Wellbutrin, massive quantities of fish oil, vitamin D3, bioidentical hormones, and thyroid medication, I can say that I am at peace with myself and (dare I tempt fate?) happy. This therapeutic-meds-hormone- etc. cocktail is the stuff that gets me through my day, keeps me married, helps me be the parent I want to be, and generally makes me different from the chronically depressed, bipolar, etc. genetic pool that I came from (aka my family members who refuse treatment for mental illness.) I muddled along with my depression for years until menopause arrived to kick my butt -- and make my depression grow to monstrous proportions. Thank god I had the good sense to get myself some very good help.

I just don't get it when people say to me, "Well, I'm on this anti-depression medication, but I'm going to wean myself off of it as soon as I can." That's like a diabetic saying they'd like to cut back on the insulin.

Better living through chemicals.

This week I'm celebrating my fourth year on SSRIs, and next spring I'll be celebrating my college graduation. The latter would have been impossible without the former. I am so, so proud of myself.

(now, back to studying for finals!)

I was overwhelmed when I was filing for divorce and my boss suggested that I go to therapy. I cannot thank her enough for not judging me and showing me that I could get through the humiliation of the divorce with the pride in knowing that I was doing the right thing for myself and my son. Even my friends commented on how "put together" I was during that time and I attribute that directly to the therapy I received.

Thanks for a great post!

I can't tell you how closely this hit home for me. I dealt with crippling anxiety for YEARS before I did anything about it. I was afraid to take medication because of the side effects. I was afraid it was going to change my personality. But most of all? I was just afraid. Of everything. And I finally made the decision to start meds this past summer, and I have to tell you? Zoloft absolutely changed my life. I'm me again. And I can breathe again. And I can live my life without fear again. Thank you for your honesty in this post, and all of your others, as I've been a fan of yours for years, but not sure I ever commented. Thank you, Heather. And I'm so glad you are ok.

:)

So brave! Bravo - I don't know what I'd do without medication and therapy - it saved my marriage years ago and keeps me going today!

It certainly is a hard bump in the road to realize that you will need to be on medication for the rest of your life. But, I wish I had found medication and therapy 30 years ago. My life would have been a lot easier. Thank you Heather. Your honesty is what keeps me coming back... just sign me Lexapro 20mg... for life and happiness.

Thank you so much for writing that. I've just come back from...well, let's just say the most hellish part of my day, week, month, and possibly year and I think I really needed to that.

I come from a family whose members have been diagnosed, and gone undiagnosed with various disorders (I like to say "painted crazy up one side and down the other), and that stigma still exists within my family. it's horrible to be ill, but it's even more awful to deny yourself treatment.

This is a really honest, genuine post and I hope that it does help people as you intend. Perhaps this is an overly personal question, but I am genuinely curious to know how you plan to balance medication and pregnancy this time around. I know nothing about this type of medication, but I'm assuming that you went off Prozac the first time because it isn't supposed to be taken during pregnancy? Or is it actually okay to take it? If not, what will you do to avoid having similar problems again?

Thank you so much for sharing this, Heather. I suffered for years with atypical depression because I was a minor and my parents didn't "believe" in medicating any sort of mental problem. Three years and a ton of Wellbutrin later, I know they still don't approve, but I cannot believe I lived the way I did for so long.

I am so happy to be a "failure." I hope there are others out there - people who are toughing it out - and after reading your blog, they decide to take a chance on therapy or medication.

He probably still won't understand, but I'm going to mail a link to my father right now.

It's taken me a while to admit that I will probably be on medication for depression for forever. It took me a long time to get over being mad. I'm having a hard time because I think the current med I am on just stopped working. :/ It's like I got pushed back on that roller coaster which makes me so sad.

I needed this and because I have officially given up trying to have a baby, I will go see a doctor after the new year to be put on something. I need something to help me. My anger is out of control and it's no way to live.

You are an inspiration to so many. I love reading your blog and especially about Leta who is the same age as my daughter. Thank you for being so open about what so many of the rest of us are afraid to talk about.

Oh dooce, thank you thank you thank you.

I'd say, from experience, it's harder to decide to stop being miserable than it is to decide nothing at all.

Kudos on being candid, Dooce.

As I tell anyone who will listen, I'm all about better living through chemistry. I have to say Zoloft saved my life and sanity, too!!

as a recovering everything....I too have taken some medication, but therapy and reading "Conscious Living" by Hendricks saved my life and the life of my children. Getting to know your parents and their dysfunctions will shine a huge light on why you are the way you are and opens the door to greater understanding of yourself and a sense of peace with who you are. Our bodies and minds have the ability to heal themselves.....

I really needed to read this today. I'm going to finally call my doctor.

Thank you for this post. My mother "went away" at least 3 times that I'm aware of during my childhood. To this day, I still don't know her "official" diagnosis. A few years back I stumbled across a prescription bottle for Prozac in her house and tried to talk to her about it later (I'd had trouble on Prozac and wanted to know what her experience was) but she denied it's existance. Luckily, her shame never infected me. If anything, suffering at the hands of her illness made me that much more motivated to control mine. After years of therapy and various medications I was diagnosed with BPD and put on the proper drugs. Words cannot express how drastically my life changed. For the better.

While I understand my mother's shame, I can't help but resent the years of pain and torment that could have been avoided or at least lessened. Who might I have been, what might I have accomplished if I hadn't been raised to believe her "moods" were my fault?

Oh, Dooce. You are so awesome in so, so many ways. And I imagine you will not have the time nor will to read through the bajillion comments that people have left here, but THANK YOU. I suffer from major depression and borderline personality disorder and it took me ten years of living hell to admit that (a) I suffered from a lifelong medical condition and (b) I would need to get help to feel okay again. Medication hasn't been my path, but I do attend weekly group therapy (DBT, I love thee) and bi-monthly individual therapy to sort through my life. And my god, I may be poor, but I am happy. You rock! Thank you for being so brave and an admirable success story. Leta is so lucky to have you as a mom.

This came at just the right time. Seems I'm reading lots of blogs and the writers are having issues. Thanks for posting.

Question: Do you read blogs?

Thank you. You are so brave for sharing your life with others.

Yes.

Yes. Exactly. What a great post!! Thank you.

This is an absolutely beautiful post. This is true giving and I am sure a lot of people needed your gift.

One of my friends has been in a dark depression for as long as I have known her. For some reason she thinks it makes her "weak" for having to take medication. I think this post might be the thing that helps. Thank you for being so vulnerable.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

This kind of hit home for me. I most definitely am obsessive compulsive. I have been for most of my life, but since college it has only gotten worse, and instead of just a constant need to clean everything, my anxiety has increased to many other aspects of my life (fitting in socially, being safe in my own home, etc.). I did see a therapist for a few months a couple of years ago, but I stopped going. I find it very difficult to even begin to address this problem and to actually talk to someone about it. I'm also terrified of taking medication for it, whether I'm being irrational about it or not.

I think there is some kind of comfort in being surrounded in anxiety that is at least familiar. As miserable I get sometimes, the world of drugs is unknown and scary. I could go on and on with excuses, and I do realize they are just excuses after all.

Anyway, I'm sure this is all very familiar to what you went through, so I won't go any further. I do appreciate how candid you are about this, and maybe I'll actually e-mail back the woman at student health I talked to months ago and follow up with her.

I think the biggest hurdle to seeking help for my own depression is myself - my inability to admit weakness or that I failed at being 'normal'. I have a 2 children I love madly but I find myself thinking suicidal thoughts more and more and the thought of them without a mother is not the deterrent it used to be.

You may very well have saved my life today.

Thank you.

I've started doing some research on adoption and came across an faq item that upset me because potential parents on medication for mental illness are not allowed to adopt. You need to be off medication for 2 years in order to qualify. About twelve years ago I had been treated for depression and two years afterwards I became well enough to go off medication. Recently I've had trouble sleeping due to anxiety and was going to make an appointment with my doctor until I did the adoption research. I'm still going to seek help, but I might have to seek therapies that aren't going to hurt our qualifications. So of course now I feel guilt on all these new levels.

Ditto to what everyone has said: A Big Thank You! You could totally be a spokes person for the American Counseling Association. Your gift with words applied to this important issue will hopefully help others through the darkness of mental illness.

Brilliant post Heather.

Thank you for sharing this. My family struggles with depression. We lost my uncle to suicide almost 10 yrs ago and I still keep a close eye on my brother and mother for signs of it. Anyone who is brave enough to admit they need help is already on their way to recovery.

i am so happy for you heather and so thankful for your wisdom and bravery and open heart.

as a lifelong sufferer with a family history of anxiety and depression, i am so thankful for chemistry, and therapy, and yoga. :) this is my mix.

i do have one word, well a plea i guess, and this is likely obvious to most:
while you are trying to figure out the right combination of meds and levels please, please, please be sure to be well supervised. by your doctors, lovers, husbands, wives, friends...

my prozac experience wasn't so rosy as i was one of the few who had a bad reaction to the medication - it came on quickly when my dosage was too high and it made me extremely impulsive and suicidal (depression and impulsivity don't mix - and i attempted suicide. it sounded like a great idea one afternoon in may 1997).

luckily i was saved by my boyfriend who came home early with one of those crazy i-just-had-a-feeling-something-was-wrong moments.

that was 10 years ago. 10 amazing, confusing, lovely, difficult, years of ups and downs that i feel honored to have been able to experience.

thank you for giving us all a forum!

LOVE

Yes! God, yes. Thank you, Heather, for saying so clearly and calmly what anyone who has a better life thanks to drugs and therapy can attest to.

Yes.

Heather,

I have thought about emailing you and thanking you for helping me through a rough time in my life. But then I figured you get a million emails every day and have plenty of things to do beside listen to me.
I spent last January through March completely unable to cope with anything and didn't want to do anything but sleep all day. For the most part I stopped eating. I stopped feeling like there was a world around me and I was stuck in some dark hole that I could never get out of.

If it hadn't been for my husband, fiance at the time I would never had let myself go to the doctor for this. I could fix it, I did not need any help I just needed will power. After months of Mark having to live with my horrible attitude and constant mood swings and him showing me only love, patient, and support I decided I needed to see a doctor for him. I knew that he didn't deserve the crap I was putting him through, and this was not the kind of wife I wanted to be.

After a couple of test to rule other things out my doctor prescribed me anti-depressants. I left her office that day feeling like complete crap. But I thought of your story as I walked to my car. I knew I was doing the right thing. My mother had told me time and again that I didn't need this, to simply just snap out of it. Which is what she told me again when I let her know what the doctor thought. I said nothing and later that day went to pick up my prescription.

Mark and I have been married since July and I know that my life has never been better. I still take my medication everyday and that is ok. I know that I need it for me and for the people around me. Whew. Ok after all of that I wanted to let you know that you were a big supporter for me through out that whole process. I have been reading your blog for many years now. Knowing what you had gone through and the strength you had, do have, I knew I had to do the same thing.

Thank you for sharing your life with us. I am sure that you have helped many with your honesty and your love for your family. I know that you helped me through one of the roughest times of my life, and I know that you have done that for many others as well.

Thank you.

Well done Heather.
One of the worst things about suffering mental illness is the loss of confidence it can cause you to experience. It took me a couple of years to realise that I was actually a lot "saner" than the major personality disorder sufferers that contributed to the "intense interpersonal stress" which precipitated my thankfully brief breakdown. Medication assists you through those crises, but it's the counselling that helps you to see yourself back in a valid perspective again.
I have often wished there was a blog/forum where people could anonymously relate their experiences of psychological disorder, and seek advice and support from those of us who have come through it successfully. My brief psychosis was actually really interesting, and I can see the delusion sometimes as my way of sorting serious problems I had turned my back on, and attempted to walk away from.

Thank you -

- For sharing your struggles with depression. Hearing someone else with a lot of the same feelings I have is beyond comforting.

- For continuing to speak out about the benefits of medication. These are not to be treated lightly, but they can be and have been a lifesaver for me.

Though I do not personally know you, would not recognize you on the street, I feel a little less alone in my own sadness hearing that someone else has felt the same things.

Thank you, Heather. Hear, hear.

Thank you for this.

Too bad so many people feel the need to perpetuate the myth that antidepressants are "happy pills". I couldn't agree more with what you've said. Thank you.

Thank you, Heather. Thank you, thank you.

Heather, I really appreciate you writing this. One of the best things someone can do for themselves is get help, and I'm curious about the resistance, too. When I was in eighth grade, friends would joke that I should go on Prozac, and it just hit me one day that they were right, so I asked my mom to send me to a psychologist. Seven years later, I still see her, and I love to see her. I weaned myself off antidepressants two years ago and have been doing very well since, but the second I feel myself dip into despair again, I will not hesitate to go back on.

What frustrates me is that I have a friend who is not happy with herself or her life and has been dabbling in serious drugs lately. She writes very long entries about how miserable and pointless she feels, and then moments of elation only come under the influence. I told her very frankly that the combination really worries me, that destructive drugs were not going to make her better, and she shot back that there is no difference between LSD and antidepressants and that I am a hypocrite, I am just as weak as her. You've succinctly said what I argued with her for days about: "Well then, let me be weak. Let me be a failure. Because being over here on this side, where I see and think clearly, where I'm happy to greet my child in the morning, where I can logically maneuver my way over tiny obstacles that would have previously been the end of the world, over here being a failure is a hell of a lot more enjoyable than the constant misery of suffering alone." Exactly. Digging ourselves into deeper holes of denial and misery is a terrible way to live. If there is something that doesn't just make you happy for a moment, but brings out the natural happiness that is in you, then that's worth it. So wicked long post short, thanks for writing this, it hits home on a number of levels.

This is an amazing post. Thank you heather.

Thank you for sharing...I wish my husband would read this. Prozac made him too numb, and he refuses to try anything else. Zanax isn't doing enough.

Your story is one of great success...and it gives me hope that one day, he will find something that works.

I am with you on the "I will take this or something like it for the rest of my life." Because the couple of times I've thought of going off my anxiety/depression meds I become Not a Nice Person. And I'm even worse to live with than normal. I have to give big kudos to my hubby for all the crap he puts up with from me. Guys like him (and Jon) are worth their weight and gold, even if they have issues of their own!

Amen, sister. I thank God for my meds every day and expect to take them the rest of my life too. If that were to ever change, I'd be like a junkie on the street corners . . . "Celexa? Wellbutrin? How much for a hit?" Same way I feel about my birth control pills.

I so very much want to forward this post to my SIL, but I'm afraid of how she'll react. She really needs to read it, though. Since she's had a baby, she's making everyone,including herself, absolutely miserable. She's on Lexipro, but I don't think it's doing the trick. Maybe I'll forward it to my brother instead.
Thanks for being so honest.

Been reading for years and just wanted to say that today, of all days, I REALLY needed read that. Thank you.

I've been on meds since I can remember. I've tried getting off on numerous occassions, only to realize that I truly do need them. I know that now.

When I was pregnant I took Celexa everyday. This worried me, but my doctor assured me that my child was much better with me taking this medicince, then she would be with her mom a nervous wreck.

My daughter was born flawless. I feel I was truly spared PPD because of this. I had a very slight case, and it scares to me imagine how I would have been without being on my meds.

Love your blog. Thank you for your honesty.

Awesome post Heather! I too, will be taking medication for the rest of my life! I was diagnosed with post tramatic stress syndrom after the death of my sister-in-law (Triad Center shooting, here in Utah in 1999). In order to live, I must be on some type of medication. Thanks for putting in to words, so many of the things I have wanted to say to others!

thank you for sharing this, and the rest of your life with us. what an important post - there are a long list of people i'll be sending a link to.

Heather, you wrote: "I think many people are afraid that if they take medication or even agree to see a therapist that they are in some way admitting failure or defeat."

It's tough to know this in the middle of a mental illness, but defeat is giving into all the hellish demands of the illness--including not seeking help. Like one would medicate for heart disease or arthritis, one should get any and all help needed for mental illness. Mental illness is a manifestation of a PHYSICAL issue and there is no shame in getting help.

Thank you for being strong and speaking out!

Heather,

You are amazing! You are a phenomenal woman! Thank you for your strength and honesty. Thank you for sharing your life and your experiences. You have probably saved lives in doing so. I have depression and anxiety also and there are so many people in my life who tell me I should pray about it and God will make it go away or that I should go to therapy and work through so I can get off the medications. But I feel, as you do, that I will be on some sort of anti-depressant for the rest of my life. There just IS some chemical malfunction in my brain and medication is the only way to fix it.

Those of us who struggle with our mental health know that we're not alone, but sometimes that truth gets lost along the way, and it's so great to be reminded by a strong woman like yourself that we still are not alone. Thank you! Seriously, "from-the-bottom-of-my-heart, I-got-goosebumps-reading-your-entry THANK YOU!!"

Julie

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Very nicely written, thank you!

Thank you. I'm in a constant state of flux over whether to continue taking my prescription or not, even though I've been diagnosed with depression and have suffered with it since my teen years. I hate the side effects and I have trouble with the "happy me!" because I'm so accustomed to being down, happy doesn't feel normal.

What's not normal is contemplating ways to off myself every day and having whatever survival instict kick in so that I don't. Right now, the stigma attached to prescription medication (I'm in the south) will just have to be a bothersome side effect. I -have- to take the medicine. I'd rather be normal, or as close to "normal" as I'll ever be.

Thank you for sharing your brave story. You really have made a difference.

Yes! You're so, so right.

It wasn't until I was pregnant with my second child that I decided I wasn't going to be miserable anymore. That I didn't want my children to grow up with a sad and angry mum.

Until then taking medication and getting help was for 'other people' who were supposedly worse off than me. I thought I wasn't sick enough, that I should be able to get better on my own. Finally I realised that there isn't some qualifying level of misery you need to attain to be worthy of help.

It took a relatively low dose of an SSRI to get me back on a kind of even keel and I'm having weekly therapy. There are bad days - even bad weeks - but I'm able to leave the house, play with my children and talk to my partner through it all and it passes.

Thank you for this post.

My family motto is "Get over it". I don't know how many times this has been muttered at me, or sometimes shouted at me since I was a teen. Yet, I could NEVER "get over it". I couldn't get over ANYTHING.

When I found myself to scared to go into my house, because there was a strange van parked in front of my NEIGHBORS house, and what if this was the landlords son checking to see how messy my house was, which at the time could put any house in America's most wanted to shame, and the only way to solve this problem was to drive my two kids around for an hour until they went away, I knew finally, I needed help.

Cymbalta saved my life. I can even forgive myself for waiting so long, because for once I FEEL NORMAL. For the first time in probably 15 years. I no longer called my husband, screaming at him for leaving a can on the counter, a counter in the house that had dirty dishes sitting in the sink for a week, and laundry everywhere.

Heather,

Believe it or not, it was your post about Britney Spears earlier this year that made me finally get help, which included Prozac and weekly therapy. It was the post about Britney's bizarre antics, and your theory that she was suffering post-partum depression. You talked about your own struggle, and I recognized myself immediately. I was trying to destroy my marriage. I was finding any reason to lash out at my husband. I screamed at my dogs constantly. I would drive down the freeway wishing I could just drive my car off the road. My daughter was only a year and a half old and this had been a 4-year struggle for me. It was brought on by the death of both of my grandparents just six weeks apart, the loss of another grandpa six months later, and the slow, painful deterioration of my family of origin as a result of not being able to cope with all the sadness.

I'm still taking 10 mg of Prozac and will get off of it in a few months. I've patched up my family. We're happy again. You're a lot of the reason why... you prompted me to get off my ass and ask for help.

Thank you Heather, and Merry Christmas to you and the family.

Well then, let me be weak. Let me be a failure. Because being over here on this side, where I see and think clearly, where I'm happy to greet my child in the morning, where I can logically maneuver my way over tiny obstacles that would have previously been the end of the world, over here being a failure is a hell of a lot more enjoyable than the constant misery of suffering alone.... I don't understand why being right is more important that being happy ...

Mais oui. It's so obvious when you've tried to do it one way, only to shave years off your own life from stress, and then to do it the other way where things are manageable, peaceful.

http://www.knittingcurmudgeon.com/2007/11/due-to-circumstances-beyond-my...

I appreciate you posting this. Depression and anxiety run deep through my family roots. My father suffers from chronic depression and has been on Paxil for as long as I remember. . .And my grandmother committed suicide when I was 9 years old...She had suffered from depression for nearly her whole life without really seeking help or refusing it.

I unfortunately suffer from anxiety disorder and also have a phobia that I deal with on a daily basis. I have tried medications twice, but did not like them. They caused me to gain a little more weight than I felt comfortable with on my body. I have seen a few different therapists, but no one I felt connected to.

Overall, I'm at the point where I feel completely lost when it comes to what sort of treatment I want to try next. It's tough and frustrating all at the same time....

I owe my life to a man named Jimmy. He was my counselor/therapist off and on for a few years during the hardest and darkest time of my life. I knew I wasn't crazy but I also knew that if I didn't deal with the junk in my life, I would never have a healthy relationship with anyone, ever. I can not talk up therapy/prescription medicine enough. So many times the modern church looks down upon seeking help outside of praying but I know I would not be here today without either. Thank you for such a gut wrenching peek into your past and present.

Bravo for your honesty As someone who's gone through that, come out the other side and now only dabble in insanity, I wonder why so many people go through this? Is it only the internet that has put us more in touch with this? Or have people been feeling this way through the ages and just never had the networking to know about everyone else? My ex-husband's doctor told him that 95% of people are taking some form of anti-depressant, that's a ton of people!
So, we are not alone, but it begs the question of why is depression and anxiety so widespread and has it always been this way?

Thank you. I am crying reading all of the stories that your story has brought out in others. I too have had my life saved through medication & therapy. So thank you again for sharing and bringing out the rest of us.

I have this theory about the need for mood medications in this day and age and it involves evolution. I just don't think our brains/nervous systems have evolved to the point where they can deal with the overwhelming "stuff" we modern humans face every day. I told my husband the other day that I longed for the hunter/gatherer days. At least then we poor humans had our roles defined and it was so dark at night we had to sleep! Forty years ago I thought I was completely NUTS. Talk therapy and valium kept me alive and now occasional talk therapy and daily Zoloft keep me happily functional in this crazy world.

Yes, yes, YES.

Coming to terms with the fact that I needed help, that I wasn't coping the way "normal" people cope was the best thing I ever did for myself. Meds didn't work for me, but I'm using herbal remedies (rescue remedy for the panic attacks, St John's Wort regularly just to keep things a little happier) and I see a psychologist whenever things get too rough.

I think the really big thing, though, was sitting down my then-boyfriend (now husband) and my parents and helping them understand that I was sick, actually sick, and that it wasn't going to go away.

Accepting this part of me was an important decision because I can see how the cycles work, I can see the things in my life which tip the scales past a point I can cope with, and I can take steps to rectify those extra stress-causing elements of my life. My mental health is a big priority in my marriage, to the point where we'll basically alter anything else to keep me from going back to that state where I cry hysterically for several hours a day.

I love reading your site because you have all these good days, but you have bad days sometimes, and that's just how things are. It's really important for me to know that someone with the same thing as me has a happy life, has a good marriage and a beautiful child and is a good mother, something I worry about quite a lot.

To everyone else: if you sense that you're not coping, please, see someone. A psychologist if not a psychiatrist. If you're scared of meds, there are other techniques. But you can't deal with it alone, and accepting help will be a turning point in your life.

For whatever reason, this time of year is very tough on depressed people. I include myself in this group, even though I take Zoloft, (and plan to take it the rest of my life). I don't count down toward Christmas, I count down toward the Winter Solstice, when the days will start getting longer again.

Eventually we will understand why some are depressed and others aren't, I believe. One new piece of research that fits my situation is a link that's been identified between mitral valve prolapse and depression.

Glad tidings, Heather...you are a courageous soul.
Becaru

when you're in the thick of "why can't I snap out of it?" you have no idea how far away you are from from feeling just totally how you always wished you could feel.

then one day you read a blog, and you keep reading, and you keep identifying more and more, until you start considering more seriously trying an antidepressant. if you're lucky enough, it's easier than you thought, and covered by insurance.

soon the day comes when you realize that you have, indeed, snapped out of it. you also understand, without a doubt, you would never have been able to do so without that little pill.

10mg/day Lexapro. don't know if it's for life, but i got no problem if it is.

My mom suffered from postpartum depression after I was born that was so bad my grandparents had to take care of me for a few months while my father was in residency. She luckily got help and stayed on her meds and I can honestly say my brother and I had the most wonderful childhood with two incredible loving parents. A little over a year ago she had gastric bypass surgery and as the weight came off she was able to stop taking her blood pressure meds, diabetes meds, etc. We're not sure to this day what she was thinking (my theory is that she blamed her depression on always being heavy) but she overnight, cold turkey, stopped taking her multiple depression/anxiety meds. Within a month she starting exhibiting signs of mania with psychosis. My family and I tried everything: called the police to take her to the hospital, had her committed, went to court to testify to force her to take medications, everything. When she came out of the hopital she stopped taking the medications. It is an ongoing battle. She disappears for days at a time, she kicked my dad out of the house (my amazing, wonderful, patient, forgiving, loving father), she speaks of crazy thoughts, etc. Many psychiatrists I have spoked with (luckily I am in med school and have access to multiple people to ask for help/information) say that when she stopped taking her meds it probably triggered a bipolar with psychosis type reaction. My father no longer has a wife and my brother and I no longer have a mother. I wish she had read this post before this happened, before she thought she would be fine without her meds. Thank you for writing about it, for how important it is for people to stay on their medication or at least have supervision from health professionals when changes need to be made. Thank you.

Bravo.

I've read your blog for a long time now. I've never commented. Your post today made me say to myself, "Wow!" Thanks for writing so honestly and being so open about your life.

I never comment here--I don't see the point. It's not like you read all 400 comments. But whatever, that's not MY point.

I really just wanted to thank you for this post. On behalf of myself and my brother and the many, many women I know who've also suffered from depression and postpartum depression.

I will always believe that the more we talk about these things, the less stigma there will be in seeking help when help is needed.

i love that you are a success story and not simply a statistic. thank you for choosing to be healthy. you lovely woman, you are truly inspiring.

about every six years or so i fall into a depression. the first time i went to a psychologist and he didn't want me to take any medication. i saw him a dozen times or so and then stopped going. i don't think he was a very good at his job.

the second time was very bad. i went to a clinic and when the doctor came in i just started crying. which was basically what i was doing all the time. wailing and screaming until i was too weak to walk. he put me on paxil but i didn't like it so i went to another doctor and he prescribed me prozac. within a few weeks my feet were back on the ground and the sun came out.

the third time has been creeping up on me. the past year has been really rough for me inside and i've internalized it. my jaw is constantly clenched and so my teeth hurt ALL THE TIME. it makes me cranky and irritable. i'm so angry all the time. i had to give my cat away, and i knew it would send me over the edge. i went to my doctor and called a therapist who was recommended to me, both without hesitation. i am not sure when and if i will stop taking the medication (cipralex), but i know being on these meds are just as important as seeing a therapist. i know this now, after realizing that the last two times i was sick i only had one or the other to help me. seeing a therapist has been so good for me, and she gives me tools to think more clearly, to care for myself and be kind to myself, to communicate better, to understand why and how my vales and beliefs came to be, to consider my boundaries and be more aware of how i interact with the world.

it's awesome. i love seeing my therapist. i feel these glimmers of light starting to shine through me. i feel what i am doing is courageous and brave and absolutely the best thing i've done to care for myself in a long time. even that makes me feel happy inside. because i'm doing this for me. i don't want to feel this sorrow in my heart. it's so heavy and hard to carry around all the time.

here's to good health and many exciting adventures in the new year! and merry christmas to the armstrongs.

xo

I have had the exact same experience, minus the pregnancy and post-partum. I am so glad to hear someone say that they would not have ever gone off meds, even during pregnancy. That's exactly what I plan to do, and I know some people will judge me harshly for it. I may even judge myself harshly if something goes wrong. But it's the only way for me. Every time I let myself go down it gets worse. I just can't let it happen if there is something I can do to prevent it.

The only thing I'd add is that if at all possible, depressed people should hang in there until they find the right cocktail of meds. It can take a while, you can go through horrible side effects, and you will often feel like a complete guinea pig and wonder if your doctor knows what he/she is doing. In the end, the right combo makes all the difference, and most people can find it. I take six pills a day (three different meds), but I would be willing to take 16 or 26 if it kept me healthy.

Bravo to you for writing this and for writing everything else.

Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Lexapro, I love you. Lamictl, you are my sunshine!

I've had some type of therapy for thirty years -- some of it worthless, some of it priceless. But (just like the guy who mentioned diabetes) the idea that I should somehow manage this disease by myself is really silly.

Over the last few years, I'm learning that I need to work with a psychiatrist -- preferably one who is quite directed and willing to call me on my bullshit. It's also very helpful in that often what's going on in my life requires changes in meds, and the MSW types want to talk and talk and talk.

Thanks, Heather, for writing this from your pulpit. If only more people heard and understood.

Thank you for speaking so eloquently on this topic. I had been off medication for years until my last pregnancy and reluctantly started "vitamin Z" in the third trimester. It made all the difference.

Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times YES. I will NEVER let anyone make me ashamed for being on medication, ever, and I will continue to reassure everyone who considers it that there is NOTHING WRONG with seeking treatment when other methods fail.

"Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but the stigma and bias shame us all."