Thanks, Heather!

You rock. I have MDD, major depressive disorder, have spent years in therapy, and tried a ton of medicines and medicine combinations. The new emsam patch works wonders and is really good for those cases where other medications didn't lift the fog or help, which was my case for years. I felt like a failure because the medication wasn't making me better. I kept thinking, "is there no help for me!!!" It was a long, long road. I, too, committed myself to the hospital years ago because I couldn't hold on any longer.

You are courageous and wonderful. Love. Love. Love.

(BTW, I'm that teacher who emailed you the other day.)

Thanks for opening comments for us.

My mother was diagnosed with a mental disorder a few years ago. We are not sure what the disorder was as she did not wish to share such information with us. Nevertheless, within weeks of leaving the hospital, she stopped taking her meds as she felt that she could get through it all without the need of science and would rely upon Jesus to see her through.

She has since been disavowed by my little brother and I for the cruel and torturous ways in which she has treated everyone in our family that has taken her in or tried to help (nothing like burning bridges, no?). No one really knows where she is at the moment and she's essentially been homeless for over a year. Though I have faith, I do not believe Jesus is fixing her problems. One can only find help should they seek it; it's not dropped on your doorstep.

Looking back, so many signs were there, but no one thought anything of it. Only when she was confronted later in life did she seek medical assistance. But as mentioned above, she did nothing with it. So, as you have asked, why do people avoid or discount getting help? I don't know. If I did, I would have been able to help my mother long ago.

Thank you.

JA

I posted about my situation with Post Partum Psychosis here: http://howdoyousay.blogspot.com/2007/12/taking-cue.html

I appreciate your post. Raw honesty is beautiful.

Amen, you are a source of strength for me. Thank you

I have e-mailed you in the past and have commented on other posts of yours, and I am so happy that you have decided to post about such an important subject. I suffered with anxiety/depression/OCD since I was 13 years old, and was prodded into believing that it was just a weakness that I could overcome, and that I just needed to pray, and it would make it all better. OH, and TAKE VITAMINS..cause that always makes it all better. I can't tell you how much this post is wonderful, because it would never be enough. So many people out there needlessly suffer every day. Thank you so much for being so honest, and telling the truth. I have been a follower of your blog for a few years now, and I will be ever vigilant, because, you are fabulous. Thank you for being you.

Thank you so much for your candidness on this topic. i've been on the fence about medication for many of the reasons you mentioned. I'd decided yesterday that therapy/medication is probably my last hope. Your post was right on time. The deal is sealed. I'm making my appointment tomorrow. Sincerely, thank you again.... best wishes :)

did you write this for me? i was on the fence. thanks.

Thank you. I've been visiting your site daily for 1.2 gazillion years, and have never left a comment. I began taking medication about a month ago and it has made the difference in a future of regret and feelings of loserdom and a future that I look forward to. You've created something that I can point to and tell my family, "Look. This is why I feel like I can now tell you about my problems and my medication".

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, Thank You, thank you, and a million times thank you!

This post should go into every newspaper in the nation so that everyone can read it.

Oh, and just in case I forgot:

Thank You!

This is one of the reasons why I read this blog regularly (one of a very, very small list). You are a remarkable writer and that is very evident when you write about the depths, like in this entry. I don't suffer in this way, but I have made it through family problems and depression with therapy and yes, it saved my life too. I was very moved by this entry b/c I completely agree and it was beautifully written.

And the other reason I read your blog regularly? You often make me snort up my morning tea. That, and I am ADDICTED to my Daily Chuck. Addicted I tell you.

Much thanks from a lurker (mostly).

I'm so glad you wrote this because I've been trying to express the same kind of thing with a friend of mine who sees how I've been helped through therapy, and wants to go herself; but will not allow herself to make that first call.
Jules
House of Jules

First of all let me just say, ALL PRAISE WELLBUTRIN!

Now that that is out of the way....I don't think it is failure at all. That implies that you have some control over it, which you don't. Some depression is temporary and situational, but some of it is chemical imbalance and there is no amount of therapy or prayer is going to change that. I find it cowardly to ignore your problems simply because you are afraid or embarrassed by them.

Some people asked about side effects and taking meds with pregnancy. I love my wellbutrin. It has virtually no side effects and can be taken for depression or anxiety. It is also pretty safe for pregnancy. I took it all through mine and the only thing you have to watch for is rare heart valve abnormalities. So as long as you get your 1st sonogram and the heart looks good you are int he clear....definitely no cyclopsia!

My happy pills *Lexapro* are my bestest friends.

I am a second year medical student and we are in our psychiatry unit right now. After spending a very tiring afternoon interviewing people who are sick to the point of incomprehension this post was a breath of fresh air. It reminded me that despite how little we know about mental illness, a lot of people are helped by modern psychiatry.

I dont know if you'll read this but I will respond because it is a touchy subject to me.

While it seems that drugs are helping more people then not it is more unheard of how those drugs can ruin peoples lives.

I was on Paxil for 4.5 years throughout both pregnancies. I was put on it for treating PTSD and GAD. For the previous 7 years I had suffered from eating disorders and always been on the thin side naturally. After being put on Paxil I gained nearly 100 pounds in 4.5 years. The weight was directly connected to how much medication I was taking, the more I took the more I gained.

Finally about 7 months ago I told my Dr that the Paxil wasnt working. I was going through a very stressful period in my life and instead of trying to help me through it she put me on Cymbalta. I should have NEVER been put on this medicine with my eating disorder history and my history of drug abuse.

For the next month I was tortured by heart palpitations, racing thoughts, sweating and sleepless nights. I was not able to eat or think straight. I could not take care of my children or myself. I hated myself more than I had ever though possible and turned to cutting myself. I was living a hell on earth. Worse than anything my PSTD or GAD had been.

I finally weaned off of cymbalta and now I am drug free. Although I far from "ok" I do not have the PTSD or GAD that I originally had which sent me to use Paxil. I do however have serious mental side effects from Cymbalta and have been trying to get that medication off the market. It is illegal in Europe because it has serious side effects of depression and suicide.

Drugs are NOT the answer for everyone. There are side effects to them which are unknown. These are chemicals playing with your brain and not to be taken lightly.

I really wish that the NEGATIVE side effects were spoken of more; weight gain, worsening of depression, suicidal thoughts, loss of sexual drive, sweating, sleeplessness, eating disorders.

Dear Heather,

Besides understanding the power of gratitude, of which I am feeling a gush of right now, medication and therapy SAVED MY LIFE. (Tears, here they come and am at work damn it.)

I was married to a horrible bully, an emotional abuser, a terrible person who would question my use of medication and therapy. Before I met him, I had started having anxiety attacks so severe I would nearly black out. And they happened most often while driving. I got myself some help and was climbing out when we met, and had I waited a bit longer to discover myself in therapy, I never would have stayed with this man.

I went off the drugs, stayed in therapy, the attacks returned and I had to surreptitiously get back on them. Trazadone, Paxil, and finally Celebrex brought me back, enough to then deal with the depression. Needless to say, the marriage ended in an emotional war zone and finally NOW I am free from the attacks, the depression and the bully. I found my voice, my laugh and my life and most of it was due to the courage to say yes to the support of medication and therapy. Thank you for your candor.

You just saved someone's life today.

xo,
JMH

Amen, sister. Effexor is my medication of choice and as much as I hate knowing I'll use it for the rest of my life, I love knowing I have the option not to be a miserable harpy who hates life, people and everything else. So I'm a (mostly) happy Mama instead of a harpy Mama.

Thank you from One who freely admits she takes meds to Another One who freely admits it. I cannot begin to describe the freedom that meds have allowed me...the freedom from depression, from anxiety, from walking through days that were so overwhelming that I thought I'd be swallowed up by the Universe.
When I had been on the meds for about 10 days years and years ago, I had two 'aha's. First, I knew why people often try to take their lives after starting treatment. It's because they finally have the energy to do it! Luckily, that was not something that was on my list of things to do. The other 'aha' was that my Black Holes had suddenly turned into potholes. They are still there, but nothing swallows me up anymore.
I love feeling like I suppose I could have felt for the first 40 years of my life. I now know normal. It's wonderful! Thank God for psychiatrists, psychologists, and meds. I am so open with others about how it helps, and hope that others will take your words to heart.
Thank you, Dooce.

Thank you for an open and honest post.

I have suffered from depression for the majority of my life (I'm 35) and finally within the last few months went to the doctor and asked to be given medication for depression. I was tired of trying to fight it on my own. My doctor put me on 50mg of Zoloft and a month later there wasn't any change so he upped it to 100mg. I have never felt better.

I actually enjoy my children. Before I tolerated them and would feel guilty because I was incapable of anything else. Zoloft has saved my marriage and more importantly my life.

I feel like a person again and not an empty shell that's wandering around watching everyone else enjoy their lives.

Thought. Provoking.

I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. I've been struggling for months with the decision of whether or not I should start seeing a therapist to help cope with my anxiety; I've finally decided that I'm going to start, and hearing this from someone who has worked through everything and succeeded makes me feel like I've made the right decision.

Heather, thank you.

Thank you for being who you are.

Thank you are sharing yourself with the world.

Thank you for having the pride and courage to say that whoever you are is fine, great, acceptable, wonderful.

Thanks, again.

Love to read your blog.

I really wonder why reading this post and the comments makes me cry. But then I wonder why things make me cry a lot.

I'm deadly afraid of taking medicines, but I think I may start seeing the school counselor when I return from the Christmas break. I think part of what makes me boil over when I'm alone thinking about things that touch me is that I have a really hard time talking to people about how I feel. Maybe I can learn how to do that a bit better. And maybe I can learn not to freak out about minor things.

I can never seem to work out whether I just get a little carried away sometimes, or whether it's more than that. I've read some of your descriptions of what it feels like, and I don't think I've ever felt like that. Not quite that bad. Just really sad about everything.

Ah well. A counselor is probably a good first step to see if I can work out what it is, and perhaps learn how to cope with the turmoil. Maybe I can become a bit stronger.

I haven't had to suffer through mental illness first hand, but I've been the daughter and the niece and the sister and the best friend of someone suffering. It helps, even on this side of illness, to read about someone else who has taken control. Supporting someone through their darkest points isn't always easy either. It's difficult to watch someone suffer and to wish there were something you could do to fix it.

It's good to know that just being there (as you are for your friends and as your family has been for you) can help.

Thank you for letting us all in.

You done good.

Thanks for sharing your experiences...unfortunately, medication isn't always the answer. I know how helpful anti-anxiety and depression medications have been for some so I'm reluctant to condemn their use, but it's often too easy to write off others' pain with a call for them to get a prescription. As someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ocd, I can speak (from firsthand experience) to the reality that the drugs prescribed for these disorders don't always do what they're designed to...sometimes coming off the meds is what saves you! I've had several prescriptions that only served to aggravate my symptoms. Listening to your body and keeping up with current treatment regimens is always a good start, though; talking with a therapist, though awkward at times, should go hand in hand with drug therapy of any sort. Let's hope that the expanded conversation on mental health offers alternatives for those of us for whom drugs weren't the answer.

Great post. Thanks for having the courage to write this. Offering hope to others is the greatest gift you can give. And congrats for also having the courage to get help in the first place. It's too bad people have to feel ashamed to ask for help.

I am a physician who also has depression. I will probably never go off of Zoloft, even when I get pregnant some day, and I encourage my patients to do the same if they think there is any chance their depression will return during or after pregnancy. Studies have shown over and over that the risks of medication are far lower than the risk of a depressed mom taking care of a newborn, which is the hardest task you can ever have. Right on for meds and therapy as well--it's a great combo for almost everyone. Cheers to you all for taking the necessary steps to feel better.

Thank you so much. I needed to read this today.

I like that you are perceptive and cool enough to realize the power of your voice in this medium. No offense intended here, but you're like the Oprah of blogland and like it or not, what you say carries some serious weight. I think it's courageous to say these things, but more remarkably, it's a responsible way to weild that heavy voice. You rock dooce.

When I was hospiltalised six years ago, they had me on a few different antidepressants and then risperidol (which was highly uncomfortable). It wasn't until I got off the risperidol four years later that the fog finally lifted and I could pick up the thread of my life again.

Having been drug free the last few years, I'm finally going the therapy route, though I'm hoping I'll find that magical combination of chemistry and perspective.

I'm so glad you were brave.

x

Grandma had gin in her apron, mom had mother's little helpers and I've got a Wellbutrin/Strattera/Xanax cocktail.

I say pass me the little white paper cup and stop your yapp'n to all those people who are afraid they'll "get stuck taking a pill every day."

Thanks so much for doing this post!

This entry made me cry. I have been on medication for cyclothymia (a sort of mild(er) form of bipolar disorder) since I was 12. I'm now 20, and in my second freshman year of college, having become too depressed to make it through the first try. I finished this semester without a single breakdown. It is so incredibly heartening to hear from an adult who acknowledges that these medications are NECESSARY to our lives and don't make us weak or incompetent. And to know that I will be able to grow up, get married, and have a baby. That even if I do suffer from post-partum depression, I will get through it. That while the meds do control when and what I eat for breakfast and dinner, and what OTC drugs I take, and how much alcohol I can drink (I'm in college, people), and that while they do change me, they're changing me back into who I'm supposed to be. Thank you, Heather.

I wish I could express myself like you do. It is better to live your life happy, without fear, anxiety, or any of the other feelings our brain can throw at us. It is an illness, not someone who cannot cope. I admire you for acknowledging the need for and accepting help. It drives me crazy when people will not try and make themselves better.

Heather,

My mom has suffered from Depression for years and has never faced up to it. I have been encouraging her to see someone about it but she never has. Just today she allowed me to make an appointment for her with a therapist. And then I saw your post. I forwarded it along to her, in hopes that she might realize that all my babble isn't just judgmental daughter-speak. Thanks for sharing. You really do make a difference.

Molly

Thank you.

Heather, Wow, what a great post. My experience with mental health problems began five years ago, when my 73 year old mother became manic with psychosis. She was in a very scary place. I am so thankful for the kind treatment she has received and even more thankful that their is medication that she can take that brought her back to me. I have had her committed three times. The psych hospital is not as scary as I thought it might be.

Thank you so much for putting this out there for everyone to read. My step-daughter (9yo) was dx'ed 2yrs ago with early-onset bipolar disorder after being misdx'ed as ADHD and medicated for it and almost going completely off the deep-end. Her mother refused to believe (and on many levels still does) that she had BP. In fact, she refuses to believe that she herself does despite everyone around her knowing so. The family history of it is just rampant, and my step-daughter is the only one being treated because my husband and I demanded it. She is now a happy child (unless her meds need to be adjusted). I am so glad we fought for her. No one deserves to live their lives in complete misery.

Sometimes a brain has a chemical imbalance that has nothing to do with who we are, but messes us up. Therapy is great; meds can help the brain get balanced. Looking at depression from that angle may make it easier to get the help needed. Loved hearing your story. Thanks yet again.

All these comments and I found ten that could be identified as men. Talk about striking a chord. . .

Sometimes I think there a lot of people that look for medicine to "help" because they're to lazy to take responsibility for their lives, or maybe their attitude about life.

Why wasn't a similar chord struck with men?

Please don't flame me, I know how serious this subject is; I was hospitalized three times, unresponsive to medication and even went through shock therapy.

I just seems, esp. in UTAH, if you're a woman you are almost expected to be on medication. But for men, there is still much a stigma attached. If I hadn't received help I'm certain I would have killed myself.

But very few people know what I've been through, only CLOSE friends and family.

Years of assuming my depression was situational, how much suffering could I have avoided if my family had recognized that therapy and medications were not shameful? The last seven years, with the help of therapy and medication, have been the best of my life. Other family members are now living happier lives because we all got help together. Thanks for all you do to help us all move beyond the stigma.

*applause*

Very very well said, as always.

I wish I had time to read all these comments. I don't know how you do! :-D
And I'm sorry; I want to be able to sum up my own thoughts in two lines, but my comment is more like an email because the subject has struck a chord with me.

I can relate to all of this, having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 21. I've been on meds since then, had 2 month-long hospital stays, had ECT (shock therapy)... and it's been hell, but I can call myself a success story too. I am happy healthy and productive.. because I'm on meds/therapy for life.

Depression is addictive, in a strange sort of way.. you don't really want to be in despair, but you get a kind of tunnel vision where you don't think it can ever get better, and your perspective is fucked-up. Things feel worse than they would if your brain was in balance.

I've tied to help some friends and family who say they don't need help- that they are strong or self-sufficient or that meds are over-prescribed.
I love them so much that I almost made myself sick again, trying to talk them into seeing a professional. Even offering to go along for support. At a certain point I had to stop, because it is up to them to change things.

I've also helped a friend who took my advice and she thanked me for helping her survive and become well again.

Thank you so much Heather, for educating people about your experiences and triumphs in dealing with mental illness. The more we talk about it openly, the less confusing and scary it will be for everyone...

I'm a grad student in *psychology*, with a lot of respect for what people go through in life...and it STILL took me a long time to admit my own "failure" and ask for medication--makes SO much sense, I know!

My taking Prozac made me feel like I wasn't living under a blanket of wet fur, and my husband's Lexapro/Xanax have saved our marriage (and probably his life). We're currently trying to get pregnant, and your blog is helping me remember to watch the signs of postpartum depression when the time comes.

Anyway, all that to say--because you couldn't say it on the phone, you said it to so, so many people who needed to hear it. I'm proud of you, and also of the hundreds of commenters ahead of me. I just can't say enough how wonderful this piece is!

Oh, thank you, you are the greatest.

I too have a bad case of the crazy. I too made the dire mistake of going off Zoloft once I got pregnant with my youngest. Luckily I didn't completely lose my shit until the day before she was born so they got me back on it pronto in the hospital.

I so appreciate your candor about all of this -- it helped me the first time I read about it and it helps me today.

I am crying right now. You have said what has been in my heart for so long. I struggled with depression and severe 'temper tantrums' throughout my life until a wonderful doctor listened, ACTUALLY, listened to me and said here, lets try this. He then gave me a prescription for 40 mg of Prozac per day. What was seemed impossible now was probable. What once seemed insrmountable now was a mere blip. Not to mention having a happier husband and kids!

I realize that this solution is not for everybody. But it works for me and makes living my life more than just possible. It makes it enjoyable.

Thanks, Heather. I love you for your open and honest writing.

My sister thought for many years that taking meds for her depression would be a sign of weakness. I am so thankful that she has been taking Paxil for years (and through 2 pregnancies). There were months that I would worry daily upon returning to the apartment that we shared--fearful I might find her dead from suicide.

A few years later, I was on Paxil myself. It stopped being effective when I overloaded my circuits by moving across the country, getting married, acquiring two stepdaughters and leaving family and the best job I had ever had. My wonderful husband stuck with me through the trials of increased Paxil, Cymbalta, Ambien, Lunesta, Seroquel, Klonopin, and finally the right dose of Effexor. The search was painful, but finally successful.

As a nurse, I know that the stigma remains for seeking help for mental health issues, but I also know that they are real, serious and devastating.

Thank you for your honest and open post.

I have dealt with bi-polar disorder and anxiety, including a lot of wrist cutting for years (since middle school). I hated medication for a long time, until they put me on stuff that actually worked and didn't wreck me with crazy side effects (Effexor was my miracle drug). I'm not currently on it, I found alternative methods, but I firmly believe in medication, therapy, and whatever it takes to get an individual healthy (mentally, physically, emotionally...). Thank you for speaking out about it, I know that I never would have gotten over the hump and to the point where I could consider other options if it hadn't been for the Effexor and therapy.

Plus, I don't think that anyone is actually sane. Pretty much everyone should be in some kind of therapy...

Heather:
This is a wonderful post, and it inspired so many equally wonderful comments. Thank you so much for encouraging us to be honest with ourselves through your words, and by example. For some, that may mean acknowledging that their brain chemistry needs adjusting and taking the necessary medication. For others, that may mean admitting that they are living their lives according to false expectations and desires, and breaking free.

I was in the latter category, pushing myself beyond what I could handle because I thought I had to be perfect, and I judged my worth according to some external standard that had nothing to do with what was truly important to me. After reaching a very low point, I was finally honest with myself, and made a drastic life change. I gave up a six figure salary, and life in a big city to move to nowhere and reclaim my life. I have a lot less in terms of money, "prestige," and material things than I did before, but I've cried exactly twice in the 9 months since I left. Before, I was crying at least three times a day.

I echo your sentiments - do not let some outside definition of success or failure dictate your choices, especially when your mental and, likely, your physical well-being are at stake. Take the pills, or quit your job, or leave a controlling partner. Whatever it takes.

Finally, huge kudos to Jon for being so understanding and supportive. That makes a huge difference, I know!

I love you.

One reason why mental health is so ignored in this country is that it costs so much, and so few insurance companies cover it (adequately). De-institutionalization hampers care, also. Why are there so many homeless on the streets? Because decades ago they would have been living in mental hospitals, but now they have their rights and freedoms. I have a sister, nearly 50 years old now, who sleeps in her car when she's not in jail or mental hospitals. We can't commit her against her will, and when she's in the nut house she dutifully takes the meds they provide, and is quickly discharged. It's a sad cycle.

A post written from a place of great strength. Bravo indeed.

You are amazing and wonderful and I am privileged to "know" you, that is, to be able to read what you write. I love you for what you share on a daily basis, and wish much happiness and all wonderful things for you and your family. Love!

Thank you and Cheers to you Heather. I have suffered from massive anxiety and depression for the last three years and I just recently came to terms with it. My mom is Bi-polar, and my dad went through some severe depressions so it wasn't a complete surprise. What was surprising was my ability to hide it and my need to please people and not let them know. But now (with the help of the Canadian health system) I realized that treatment and medication would become a part of my life, and a part of who I am. And it has.

I am very happy that you are able to write about it and reach so many people (as 400 some odd comments within a few hours is not a feat to scoff at). So thank you and I hope you will continue to plod along with your sanity and beautiful family.

Heather I hear you so loud and clear it's not funny.

I am medicated and will be for the rest of my life and for that I am grateful because it means I will STAY alive.

I have watched my mother fight the same kinds of demons all her adult life unmedicated. Now she is in her 70s and dealing with Parkinsons, Dementia AND chronic anxiety/depression. And yet she STILL refuses proper help for the later.

I am just so glad I'm not like her because instead of having fun with my Dad in her old age, she is totally ruled by her fear, her demons, her shear terror and my Dad is alone to deal with HER shit. He is miserable.

It's not always about our expectations and fears, we have to remember our loved ones and how THEIR lives are affected by our illness too. (As you said about Jon saying that Heather was at lunch at the hospital, not the woman who threw keys...)

We aren't alone in this and if we think we are we also punish those who love us.

And that sucks.

Jenny, Melbourne, Australia

yes, yes, yes. a thousand times yes.

Hi Heather, thank you so much for sharing. i have depression too, and not a very good support network... it helps to hear people like you speak up.

Thank you.

Amazing. You put my thoughts into words far better than I ever could. I'm sending this post to everyone I know - everyone who has had trouble understanding what depression is about and how you can't just 'buck up' and carry on. I hope it touches them the way it has touched me.

I'm on my 10th week of Cipralex and have my third therapy session this weekend.

Your post is brilliant and all these comments let me know that I am not alone with the challenges of depression.

Thank you for your honesty and sharing this with us all Heather.

You are my hero!

Thank you for taking time to express yourself so beautifully Heather. I don't take meds for depression but would in a heartbeat if need be. I do however take meds for other brain trouble - epilepsy, and have for 15 years. There is a huge stigma with that one - I've seen it in people's eyes when they find out what I've got. I feel for people who are not as lucky as I and still suffer with seizures regardless of their meds. And I feel for those with any illness who are afraid to get better because someone might find out what ails them. Fear of embarassment is the biggest illness out there with no known treatment save more good stuff from writers like you.

Thanks, Heather. I'm batshitcrazy too. It's better than having the herp. I hope your friend heard you loud and clear. If not, many others did.

There are days when I read your posts and say "Thank God, Thank God for Heather Armstrong." I don't know that you are aware of how many people you may be helping to accept mental illness -- their own or others' -- simply by being candid. I am the picture of mental health without drugs or therapy, but my sister suffers -- SUFFERS -- from bipolar disorder. I have lost friends by sharing that my sister suffers from mental illness. One former friend stopped bringing her child to my house anymore because I might have "it" too and not be telling her. Screw them all. Even with medication and therapy, almost every day is a challenge for my sister, and I am proud of how she gets through it with so many more obstacles that I'll ever know. So thank you, Heather, from the bottom of my heart, for putting a face -- a candid, lovely face -- to mental illness. If you affect even one person's thinking on this issue in a positive way, well, that just makes my Christmas.

I have been where your friend is and where you are at this point in time with regards to being on medications. No one can truly understand how frustrating and horrible it is to not trust your own mind and feel as though your in a dark room that keeps closing in with every breath you take unless they have been there too. I use to think that if I tried hard enough I could make myself better, and that taking medication was a sign of weakness. Not anymore. Do I like the prospect of having to take my three little pills for the rest of my life? No. But when faced with the alternative I will gladly pop those babies every night and throw a little happy dance in for good measure. I can't even imagine going back to being the way I was before.

I truly hope that your friend gets the help they need. LIfe is too short!

This will probably get lost among all these other posts, but thank you for always being so candid. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression since childhood, and it keeps me miserable...I don't even remember what it was like to feel happy! I also struggle with accepting the help that's offered because the wrong labels are attached to it. If I don't take *that* medication, then I'm not crazy. Just a little high-strung. Thanks for sharing your experience.

beautiful heather. so beautiful. i think in many ways your wisdom to find freedom in "weakness" is its own kind of joy. we all need help, in different ways.

thanks for reminding us it's okay to be human.

Dooce, thanks for being so open about your mental health struggles. Your posts on the subject inspired me to take care of my own mental health problems recently (specifically your link to the gentleman who was struggling with depression in New Orleans).

I can't thank you enough. I wish I had the courage to write about this as frankly as you do.

Thank you. Thank you. Your honesty, strength and courage inspires me. Usually I leave your blog with tears on my face from all the laughter. Today, they're tears of relief. Good vibes to you, yours, and your friend.

Thank you. Welbutrin is my mental-sanity saving drug of choice, and no amount of non-medication could ever do the same as that lovely little pill.

Thank you for that.

The medication that saved my life is called Enbrel, the one that's enabling me to live my life now is called Humira. Not for depression, but for the lifelong arthritis that flared so huge three years ago that I wanted to kill myself because the pain was too much.

I have loved ones who've fought the pain of depression, who've thrown things and resisted treatment, almost losing their lives before they finally asked for help and now, they are fine and healthy and happy.

An illness is an illness, whether arthritis or depression. No one asks me to fix mine with a stiff upper lip.

Ah. Someone who uses the same soapbox I do. I was in therapy for eight (8) years. And I still find someone to talk to if I find myself obsessing over some minor problem. I tell people over and over to "find someone Objective to talk to". It is unbelievable how an objective listener can clear up the murk you are swimming in. And, I no longer worry what people think about me taking "tranquilizers". I will never never again try to do without SSRIs. I am mostly past the age where I have suicidal PMS but I owe it to my family to take the best care of myself that I can.

And, as a side note, I so enjoy the relish with which you parent your child. I wish I had been more balanced when mine was young.

I just started being treated for PMD. I could not imagine feeling what I feel for two weeks all the time. My children are better off for it. My house is calmer now -- as calm as a house with two boys 11 months apart and two dogs nicknamed the Princesses.

Thank you. Very much. I needed this in the worst way.

THANK YOU, Heather, for saying all of this.

My ex suffered terribly from depression for years, for at least all of our 8 year marriage and probably decades before that. Finally, after I left, he got medical help. I don't think he ever got therapy, which IMHO should always go hand in hand with medication, but at least he got half the treatment and recognized, as you did, that it helped, and that he'll never go off it again. I want no part of him in my life now, but I'm glad to know he finally got over himself and went to a doctor. Whatever works, I say. Whatever REALLY works, not what glosses over real problems or helps you avoid dealing with your reality.

There is nothing wrong with admitting you're depressed, or anxious. Just admitting it is freeing, but getting help can bring so much more into your life.

Thank you for presenting your life, both highs and lows in such a matter-of-fact way. Kudos and my utmost respect.

Brav-O, Heather! I have been reading your blog for so long, and I just have to say that you and your family are amazing.
What you said spoke so clearly to me and I cannot even articulate how much I TOTALLY relate.
Thank you for being brave enough to tell your truth.
I will always be a loyal reader. Seriously, I *heart* you.

Right on. Everyone with mental health issues should shout it from the rooftops. I'm OCD and have been taking meds for it since I was 16--I'm not ashamed of it, and whenever my obsessions/compulsions hit, I take that opportunity to educate people about OCD. No, we're not all germophobes (you should just see my room). Yes, we're able to function if given the right tools--MEDS. So here I am, shouting it to the Internets: I HAVE OCD! I AM NOT ASHAMED OF IT, NOR OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO TAKE MEDICATION TO FUNCTION SOMEWHAT NORMALLY.

(God bless Luvox, I don't know where I'd be without it.)

Also, for the record, for the people who won't take meds because of the side effects, Luvox is an SSRI, and I have had zero negative side effects in the seven years I've been taking it.

I think it's possible to say to your friend, "hey, I had some similar problems and I tried these things and this worked for me. It may not work for you, but if you want to talk about some options and what they're like, I have a latte and an hour (or two) waiting for you."

My best friend went through some very rough times in college and although I was always there for her, I didn't really understand. But just by being there - 4 years of college, roommates for 3 - she let me in, trusted me, and I learned so much about depression because she let me know what was going on. When I had depression myself after graduating, I really could see myself through what she had gone through. It helped so much to know someone else's experience.

Thank you. You are a hero, and I applaud you.

in all this i find myself wondering about people who choose medication, who are enabled by medication, but refuse to change anything in their lives that might be causing the need for medication. it's like a band-aid solution. while medication is incredibly positive, and at times very necessary, what about all the other things that are affecting ones brain chemistry? what about the conditions and situations we put ourselves in? what about issues we refuse to look at and/or deal with?
while i would never condemn anyone for being on medication, there are those that i would ask to critically evaluate their positions and choices (as with anything else) and try to take responsibility where it need be taken.
mental health, in my opinion, is something that needs to be looked at holistically (not herbally or alternatively, but in a 'whole' way). if someone is just popping pills and not looking at the context of the need for said pills...well, that seems highly irresponsible and problematic.
point being, i support this post but am mildly irked by the hundreds of posts of encouragement that appear to lack much critical thought behind them. we need to support eachother, but not blindly.

I don't know how you'll ever read all these comments, but I'll toss in my two cents anyhow.

Anxiety is just my life. It always has been, even when I was a kid. I was a real odd kid--I had odd fears and I was always worrying about something. I didn't even consider it a treatable problem--I was just a weak person, obviously. I mean, everyone else could get over things like stage fright, why couldn't I?

In my freshman year of high school I met the other half of my personal hell-depression. I hid it from my parents because I was ashamed through all of high school, and it's taken a year and a half of college to finally get me on meds. When I started seeking meds a few months ago, I initially wanted them just for the crippling depression, but my counselor has finally convinced me that the anxiety is something I need help with as well.

Today is the beginning of my third week on Celexa, and I still have mixed feelings about it. But two weeks ago, I was absolutely miserable, and today I started to... wake up. And it's amazing.

I have several aunts/second cousins that need anti-depressants/other crazy pills to get through life, so it is likely that I will never get off these meds. And that scares me a little. So thanks for the (amazingly timed) reassurance. And sorry for the huge comment.

Thank You, Thank You!!

My happy pill is a little thing I like to call "chocolate bar/sexglow" Wellbutrin XL. Without it, I was misserable, gaining an insane amount of weight from binge/emotional eating, and "not gettin' any"!

Now, not binging, far from skinny, lots of work to still do,
but so so so much more,... me

Heather,

You are an amazing success story. I have gone through Straterra and am currently on Lexapro. I think I'm better on Lexapro but the downside is that it has removed any and all sexual feeling / drive. Now I feel like I'm trading one problem (depression) for another (sexual frustration). Of course, the frustration is causing a problem between my husband and I which in turn, is causing more depression. He tries to understand but...he's a guy. The doctor tells me that I basically need to prioritize. Do I want mental stability or sex drive? I'm not inquiring specifically about your sex life, but have you had this type of experience where one area of your life suffers in order for you to be "well"?

Just curious...
~Jenn

amen sistah!!!

What a wonderful post. I'm considering forwarding it to many people I know. Thank you for sharing.

horray!! thank you for this! zoloft saved me as well. i was able to get off of it after a couple of years but it did definitely help me part the grey clouds. good for you!

Hi Heather, long time listener, first time caller.

First, I love that this (THIS) is the post that gets the most comments since your most recent redesign. Is that a sign of interest in our society, or a vote of confidence for you and your willingness to share your life? Doesn't matter, I think it's awesome either way.

Second, I think you should know that I have specifically referred several of my friends to your blog to read your story(ies). I have no experience with real therapy and/or medications, but have certainly gained an appreciation for such from your blog. Many times I have seen friends struggling with symptoms you've described, and sent them to dooce for therapy. Whether they find the humor therapeutic, or read in depth about your own story, I figure it will be helpful either way.

Thanks for being awesome, and for keeping thousands of closet maniacs amused for years! I just hope your sponsors don't all tend to be drug companies in the future :)

Heather,

I recently lost my mother, who was bi-polar and basically shunned by society for her mental illness. I can't thank you enough for letting thousands of people know how important it is to get help and not be ashamed to do so. What hurts me most is people who don't have a fucking clue and turn the other cheek to mental illness. The people who don't take the time to understand how to deal with or be a friend to a person with mental illness REALLY iritates the hell out of me! I have fallen into a deep depression since the loss of my beautiful, intelligent, and loving mother and I finally made the decision to go on an anti-depressant to help me out of this dark hole. So, thanks again for your post today, for showing us we're not alone and for giving us a voice as well.

I can't believe you wrote this today. This exact topic has been on my mind a lot recently, so much so that I even read through your 'depression' archives only yesterday.

My mum is someone that needs to be medicated all the time, too. But she will never admit there is something wrong, even now. She stopped her meds and ended up in a hospital, and not by choice. The only reason she is medicated now is because that was a condition of her release, and if she stops she has to go back. Its not an ideal situation, I know, but it is wonderful to have my mum back, you know? But I always wish she didn't have to be forced and that she knows it is ok to admit that there is something wrong, and want to seek help herself and that we will still love and support her all the way. But I think deep down she really knows all of that, she just doesn't want to admit it for fear of seeming weak.

I think it's so important that people know how vital it is to take care of themselves mentally, just the same as they would want to take care of themselves physically. And it's so important that they be ok with needing help, and that the people around them can accept and support that.

Thank you for writing this.

Thank you. Your courage to speak out about depression to thousands, gives me courage to talk about my own battle. Thank you.

Heather, thanks for sharing. I've found much you've written to be quite touching for myself and I do so appreciate your candor. You're truly an inspiration, the realistic kind with which I can best identify. I do want to let you know that I linked to this particular entry, and have shared an excerpt in my own journal, posted here at: http://journals.aol.com/dkb11161970/DebrasDose/entries/2007/12/13/my-res...

if you would rather i didn't, please contact me with your preferences and i will make the appropriate changes.

merry christmas to you, jon, and leta. and chuck too!
grins, debra

My name is Carrie and I have been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder...a little different than depression, but in the same family. I actually read the DSM III-R & presented a report to my campus doctor (who had prescribed Valium for anxiety (made me a WRECK!))...

My diagnosis came in '94. I was off & on Lithium & hospitalized for a WEEK in '96...Risperdal, Effexor, Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Depakote among others followed. Therapy, therapy, therapy, drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, counseling, counseling, counseling and then my wonderful pregnancy in 2002. After talking with several doctors, I chose to stop Lithium because it can cause a major spinal problem in the fetus. I have a second child now (20 months old) and I have never needed to resume medication(vitamin B is helpful)...not that I wouldn't do it in a heartbeat if necessary. I see one of the best doctors in the country EVERY 3 months just in case...and I hear the same thing I heard from the nurses at the Respite Center I checked into when I was hearing voices way back when, "You are an anomoly."
Check out the work of Kay Redfield Jamison, if you haven't already.

So far, I'm a "happy ending," but every single day I think about the small thread I have on my sanity and second guess every sour mood I have or comment I make.
Thank you, yet again, Heather, for using your blog to tell the truth.
We're reading. We're talking. We're healing.

Can one take depression medicine while pregnant? Obviously, I don't know enough about this topic.

This post was beautifully written and an issue so many avoid, or simply don't want to talk about. If someone has a physical illness there is no shame in admitting it or seeking help. However, when it comes to a mental illness the attitude changes even though in both cases HELP IS NEEDED.

My sister has bipolar disorder and has gone through all the steps to seek treatment (medication and therapy). If she mentions she is bipolar to others there is immediately this reaction of, "What is wrong with HER?" and people are extremely uncomfortable. More so than if she had announced, "I have cancer." Or, "I'm diabetic." Or, "I eat small children for breakfast." It seems so many people in society are afraid of mental illnesses and have created a warped view of them. I hope these kinds of attitudes will change in the future.

Thank you for writing this post. I will share it with others.

You are so right on! Good for you!

A wise woman compared the paxil that I'm on to her cholesterol meds. She said, "I exercise and change my diet, but because of family history I'll ALWAYS need cholesterol meds. In the same way, you should accept that, cuz of your brain chemistry, you'll ALWAYS need paxil--or something like it."

you're wonderful dooce. the world is such a better place for having you in it. i hope that your holidays are beautiful. enjoy them with jon, leta, & chuck - i look forward to seeing some celebratory pics! i wonder if there'll be anything like the elmo incident from last year... :)
love to you and your family. happy holidays!

Thank you for this post. I was diagnosed as 'clinically depressed' several years ago. My dr. told me it was a chemical imbalance and there was medication for it, and I was SO relieved!

I am on Effexor and it has saved my life.

BRAVO!!!!! This kind of post is the stuff that makes me LOVE YOU EVEN MORE!!!! I mean, I love your silly stuff, but the real stuff is even better. THANK YOU

thank you for this. it helped me at a difficult time.

i'm one of those people who generally believes drugs are over prescribed. but yesterday i went back on anti-depressants.

i had tried to come off it (in the hopes to have a baby). but i was a mess, crying on the floor all day. with a deep deep fear in my stomach every day.

but i do wonder if i'll ever be able to come off. will i ever be able to have a child while i'm taking these? but then again, will i be able to have a child without?

thanks again.

Thank you for writing about this again. I have also been on medication on and off for more than half my life (since college). I have friends that have been medicated when things in their lives got to a head, however, they still can't understand that I might need it as a constant in my life and it doesn't make me weaker than them. I just have a different form of depression than they had/have.

Whereas, my family pretty much ignores it and is happy that I'm able to support myself without involving them. The only time they ask questions is if Oprah has a show on some medication that is either "the worst ever" or a newly developed "miracle drug." You can just imagine the anger I'm holding in from this.

Since you have such a large following and people respect and like you, perhaps this will open up some minds to the fact that the strongest move is to seek out help. Also people need to seek their doctor's help if their mood starts to remind them of the bad times. This probably means that their current medication needs to be changed. It doesn't mean that they are lost causes.

I don't know how you ever weed through these comments--you probably don't; but I wish I'd had your voice of reason during my last pregnancy. I went through a very dark time and I couldn't find anyone to talk to about it. My Dr told me it was hormones, and I was like, ya, duh, they're kicking my butt. But there was no program or anything else in place to help me through it...there's a lot out there for post-partum depression but there's not a whole lot of anything on depression during pregnancy. I eventually got through it with a lot of family support and prayer, and, um, having my baby helped a lot too.
I guess I just want to say thank you for being so candid. We need people to talk about this.

I've been on and off of SSRI's for several years now. I had a true ephiphany the first time I was adequately medicated with Zoloft (after numerous unsuccessful trails with other drugs) I suddenly realized why everyone wanted to live a long life, in contrast to my existance wherein I'd begun to pray for some easy exit door out of this life , my pain. We all need to be unfailingingly fearless in the face of a wretched stereotype.. speak honestly and without shame. It's an illness, and no one needs to feel inadquate because of illness.

I had an awful episode a couple of mornings ago -- my first in several months. This is an awful time of year for me. I made a few phone calls (no one has returned my calls yet), looked up a couple of possible diagnoses (BPD? SAD?) (no, I'm not self-diagnosing. yet.) and finally ordered a couple of items -- a meditation CD, a book. I'm not bothered by the stigma of treatment, but I am concerned about the failures of treatment. Bottom line, I'm not optimistic that anything will really help. So, I just go on, disappointed with myself and occasionally having days when I behave absolutely shamefully (not unlike throwing keys at my husband's head.)

Thanks for speaking up, Heather. You've given me food for thought, maybe reason to try a little harder to work with a professional, a touchstone for those awful days. Thank you.

What? You're crazy too? I just come here for the pretty dog pictures. And I don't even like dogs.

But really, good for you! When I told my parents I was taking medication for depression they said (no word of a lie) "why would you want to do that?" Oh, the shame! Recognizing a weakness and asking for help. From STRANGERS. And taking PILLS. It's inconceivable!

To quote Mike Tyson it's "to keep me from killin' y'all."

Again, brava!

Amen, sister. Every time I tell someone about my period of panic attacks, they say "oh, my sister has those" or their mother, or themselves. Everyone's got something. Might as well share!

Thank you.

this is exactly what a lot of people NEED to hear. and though you've said it before, it is just as important this time.

i've been trying to get through my own anxiety/depression which is i think a bit milder than what you deal with from your description, but still has been a BIG problem since college, and i'm now 31. i've been off medication for about two years, and i think the hard thing is feeling as if "well, today is good. this month was good. the past three months were good..." and then being debilitated all of the sudden wondering, why???

it makes me realize that perhaps one of the most common things is feeling like once you feel better, you can go off the meds! ...unfortunately, that probably isn't often the case.

thanks again for being a voice that people listen to about this. if they don't agree, at least they're reading it.

OMG Heather. I want to nominate you for a Nobel Prize for what you have written. I have been reading you daily for years now and have even commented once or twice before, but your post today has hit home for me and for so many others judging from all the comments.
I have been on and off Celexa for 6 yrs now. I tried to wean myself off apprx 3 yrs ago and learned then that I cannot possibly function without it. As long as I took my "little white peace pill" every morning, life was good. Now the past 4 mths have been a slow decline. It took a very good friend to point out that she has seen me like this once before, apprx 3 yrs ago for me to realize that I needed to see my doctor NOW.
That was 3 weeks ago and with a slight medicinal adjustment, this week my life has started to look pretty good again.
I had found and corrected my path already, but your words today have given me the strength to feel justified again. Although I have never been one to be silent about my story, I have sweetned my story on many occasions to avoid dealing with the stigma's.
No more.
Thank you.
Monarch

I would just like to ask... how can I ask help for this? I live in a very conservative, very traditional, very backwards community and my family couldn't accept that I need help. I know there's something wrong with me but they don't want to acknowledge it. Often when I'm in bouts of depression they call me 'ungrateful for my blessings' and stuff. Help.

I am 26.... I have been fighting anxiety daily since I was as young as six. I first read this blog when you were only 4 months pregnant with Leta. Reading it then gave me the courage to REALLY explore what was "wrong" with me. While medication has never worked for me, other thigns have, But the first and largest step was knowing what the problem was and you Heather showed me.
I will never forget the day I realized it wasnt normal to be afraid ALL the time. That everyone didn't freak out like me. In some small and yet HUGE way you have saved my life, the same way your doctors saved yours.
I wish I could write like you, be more eloquent when I say....
Thank you for showing me, thank you for not giving up... on you or any of the rest of us.

Heather, I have been reading your site since before Leta was born, and have never commented before.
This is the smartest thing you have ever said- 'get help'
I was so proud of you when you got help for your post partum; it was the same time I was getting help for my bi-polar. On top of being Nutso, I am a chronic pain patient as well-- another thing that the General Public fails to fully understand, and that goes undertreated in huge quantities in the US. I pop a cocktail of drugs everyday that would knock most people on their ass, but just keeps me from cycling between mania/depression and to about a 7or8 out of 10 on the pain scale. As others here have stated, if I was a diabetic, I would have no qualms about taking my insulin. My GF knows the day after I have missed my nighttime meds, so that is how I know I need them everyday. I seriously don't think that I would be alive today if I had not listened to my professor, my GF and my friends when they said something was not right. I am one of the lucky ones.
Thank you for sharing your story, and hopefully it will reach someone who needs that nudge to seek help themselves. Viva la Revolucion!

Heather -- Thank you. You've helped me today, too.

Yes!

Both my children, one 23, the other 16, take medication for anxiety and depression. They both go through periods when they become disgusted with he necessity of taking pills "forever" and consider abandoning their meds. The next time this occurs, I will show them this post. Thank you.

Oh God, Heather...... my daughter is SO YOU, brilliant, articulate, and engaging. She has two precious angel boys (3 and 7) and she is C-R-A-Z-Y.

In her case, however, she is depressed, IMPULSIVE, and Bipolaresque, but "chooses not" to take medicine. You would simply not believe what is going down in her life at this point, due to lack of treatment. (Foreclosure on her house, for starters).

I sent her the link to your post.

She's been wanting to do what you do....... write and touch the lives of others. Maybe this post of yours will make her realize that she has to get a grip on herself before she can accomplish that, or ANYTHING for that matter.

Wow. Nice piece of writing, girlie. Amazing honesty.

Hats off, Heather.

From a mum, counselor or sorts, a writer, a professor of writing, and a grandmummy

Dooce, thank you so much for writing this. I hate to admit that I was the critical SOB who has probably made one or two people feel weak for thinking they were depressed. Although I don't always think medicine is the answer, I do acknowledge the need for treatment, thanks to you. You are a brilliant writer, one whom I look up to with the utmost respect, and I thank you for your candid accounts on life. You know you have a good one when what you are reading can make you both laugh and cry, sometimes even at the same time. So, I will continue reading with an open mind and a curious heart. Thank you, friend!

Ditto to everything you said, except for the pregnancy and baby part. Thank you for saying it on your very popular website where maybe some people will be able to do for themselves what we've done for ourselves.

Thank you for sharing. Your openness will help others. I'm a long-time reader. Keep up your great work.

I'll swallow Wellbutrin without thinking twice... it doesn't even have to offer to buy me a drink before hand.

I also had the most awesome counselor for a while- truly, their clean-cut LDS self was one of the best things to happen to this failed catholic's mental wellness.

I'd rather be a failure on drugs and happy than the alternatives...

And then sometimes the reason people don't get help is not because they're afraid, or think they're better than the drugs and the therapy...but because they know, from bitter and ugly experience, that the insurance companies of the world will make them PAY for those drugs, and I don't mean in dollars, but in having insurance denied them and thereby putting their physical health and their homes and their children in jeopardy.

Been there. Done that. Weaned myself off of drugs that were working for me, but which I could no longer afford, because no insurance company would touch me while I was on them. That just shouldn't be the reason we make these kinds of decisions, but it is. It really is.

Thank you for being real and saying the stuff people never say but think.

Thank you!

(OCD/Depression, daughter of bipolar)

THANK YOU! From someone who will be on Sinequan and Paxil until the day I die.

I just wanted to say thank you.

I've been reading your site for almost a year now, and your honesty, acceptance and even humor about your battle with anxiety and depression have refreshed me.

I've been on Zoloft since I was 16, so for almost 10 years now, and it's something that I am very open about with those who will listen because I think it's important not to act embarrassed or ashamed about it. And that even if just one person that I share my story with is affected by it for the better, than it's worth it. Like you, the drugs have given me the ability to cope, but somedays that's still harder than others.

But the last year as my husband and I have been talking more and more about having kids, I've become terrified about what kind of mother I will be. A thousand questions run through my mind everyday, like "What if I'm having one of 'those days' and all I can manage to do is lie in bed and stare at the wall? How will that affect my kids?" But reading your story, knowing what you've gone through, and seeing what an amazing, beautiful daughter you have gives me hope. That it's okay if mom's C-R-A-Z-Y. She can still be one bad-ass mom. And that's awesome.

so many comments here...so i'll understand if you don't read mine...and it's probably not all that original anyway.

i'm in awe of your open-ness with this subject, because many people treat it like it should be hidden away forever.

and of course this is your burden, but how fucking cool is jon to stick by you through it all?

xoxo from one utahn to another.

Heather:

You are a good, good woman! I love your humor, and respect your willingness to share your darkness with us all. It is a loving gesture, and obviously has had the positive impact you hoped it would.

Keep up all the good work - the offering of hope, the hilarious writing, the wisdom you glean from your family and parenting, your love of pretty things - it is all GOOD!

with appreciation....

Heather,

I'm never surprised to see you put topics as crucial as this in the most eloquent yet down-to-earth words. I'm with you 100% on this, and am happy to say that after avoiding treatment and medication for years and then trying a few medications that didn't work for me I'm finally on one that has changed my life. If I find any advertisements for walking, talking proof that Wellbutrin works, I'm in.

I don't think it had occured to me before that happiness was a possibility for all of us, not just for the lucky ones. My life isn't perfect, but I'm happy and I'm grateful - a word I didn't use for far too long - for even the littlest of things.

The only thing I would possibly consider adding to this is that when you commit to a medication it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to be on it for the rest of your life. For me, I might be on Wellbutrin forever or I might be on it until I get through this really rough time I'm in right now (full time work + full time school). I don't know how it'll play out yet. I'm not ASHAMED by any means to be on medication nor afraid of being on it forever, but making the choice to take that first step and start taking something doesn't have to be a huge life-long commitment. Sometimes it's overwhelming to think further than tomorrow when you're in the midst of depression/anxiety (as I'm sure you know), so I think the one day at a time approach might be more managable for lots of people, given that you don't give up on the medication before it has a chance to start working.

Thank you so much for speaking out. Your words have moved so many people to action and put so many people at peace just hearing that they're not alone. Keep up the amazing work.

Thank you for this post-I could not make it if I wasn't on my medication. No one should be ashamed of getting help.

Thank you again, Heather, for you honesty. If I had to put up with half the crap you have just for talking frankly about your life, I would have run screaming from the internet ages ago.

Thanks for sharing this important message. I have a family history of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and alcoholism and I've learned through my family's experiences - good and bad - that without medication life goes to hell in a handbasket in the fast lane and 12000 miles an hour.

And while I thank my lucky star that I've not needed it, I am glad that good doctors and even better medicines are available to keep me - and all the rest of the nuts in the world - functioning, contributing members of society.

Peace to you.

At one point during the two years I was free-falling down into the abyss that was my post-partum depression, one of my friends said, "All we know is that Karen is gone, and we want her back." And all I could do was cry, because she understood.

And when my sister says "Why are you still taking that medication? You shouldn't need that by now." I don't even have the words to answer her.

Thank you for sharing. I try to tell people every chance I get, but you reach such a huge audience that I know your words make a difference.

love you, Miss Heather.

Your second to last paragraph explaining why you were afraid to tell your friend the truth is why I've lost a few friends. I've told them what they don't want to hear and lose them. I completely relate to that.

Sometimes you have to admit you need help. That's what the help is there for.

You rock, Heather. It's good to know I'm not the only one.

thank you.

Thank you so much for sharing this. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. I have experienced the amazing healing of medications, but I have been struggling against my inner moron, telling myself (often through tears) that I can make it on my own. But why? Why make myself miserable and the people around me even more miserable? Why, when I *know* there is something that can help me? I have been like the man crawling through the desert, refusing to drink a cup of water, because I'd rather try to make it another mile to the Gatorade vending machine. Thank you; I needed your words today. Thank you.

As I was making my daily trek to your site I honestly thought, "I wish she would write a post about overcoming depression. That is what I need to see." Miraculously, you did.

Today I went to the library and looked up books on depression. As I was looking at the screen I thought to myself, "I am one of these people" with a great feeling of shame.

I've been having an internal struggle as of late about whether to seek some type of treatment because I am quite honestly happy. But I keep thinking back to those times a few years ago. The horrible horrible time I wish to forget. So "I will [try to] do these things because the alternative is a bleak, dark, illogical world - and I can't bear to ever go there again." But I can't *feel* what it was like. I only remember how bad it was. I fear that it will inevitably return and return with a vengeance.

Some of you may know what is like to be Mormon and try to rationalize this away. I'm not sure if I can ever find a decent middle ground.

Thanks Heather :)

You may have just saved someone tonight who has read this.
Postpartum is awful. It is frightening. You have no control and you feel your life is crazed.
There is nothing wrong being on med's for life. I take 30 mg. of Paxil a day or I would be crazy.
My sons have autism and I deal with it everyday.
Thank goodness for Paxil!
You sound like a strong, brave and bright woman.
Not everybody can say all that out loud.
Bravo to you!

Thank you so much for posting this.

I was one of those people who tried really hard, for a really long time to suck it up but I just couldn't do it.

Zoloft has made me feel like a person. A functioning person who can be happy and just let things go rather than a giant sack of crazy.

It's so nice to hear that other people can also relate to that feeling. I really think you are helping people by being so honest. Thank you.

Beautiful post, and one with which I can completely relate. My therapy/Prozac combo of the last six years has allowed me to live the life I want, not the one I miserably endured for too long. Your candidness and honesty are astonishing and I applaud you for sharing. Reading your stories has made me more open and willing to share my own experiences with others. Thank you for helping me and so many others. Happy happy holidays to you and Jon and Leta.

I'm entering the social work field, and currently I have a clinical (therapy) internship with kids and families. One of the biggest struggles right now is getting parents to see the value of therapy for their kids and getting it across to kids that therapy is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it a weakness.

I've been in therapy on and off my entire childhood and college years, and have also had my own antidepressant cocktails.

I really praise you for sharing your story, and everyone else who has commented on their own. Life is short and you only get one shot at it, so you really need to do everything you can to be happy and make it what you want. Plus I like my job, and it'll keep me employed! :-)

I can't agree with your post any more emphatically. I spent years not realizing I had the condition called depression and once I caved in and saw my doctor, got on Effexor.. it was like night and day. Like you, I still need to talk it out with a counselor too, but my life is completely different now and I wish I had have "seen the light" sooner

I think it's awesome that you posted this. I have a lot of family members who have suffered from depression or other mental illnesses, including a cousin who committed suicide a few years ago. I have a feeling that if others had been more open and understanding of mental illness, he may have been more willing to get help when he needed it, and maybe he'd still be here today.

My mom also suffers from depression and OCD, and I watched her go through a really rough time, but she got her medications right and went to therapy to deal with things from her childhood, and now she's her normal self again.

I also went through a rough time in high school, and my doctor suggested depression, but I kept denying it. In hindsight, I probably was depressed, and I could have had a much better experience in high school if I had just gotten over that fear of admitting I was miserable. I think I was mainly thinking that I had a good life and didn't feel like I had anything to be depressed about, so I felt like a whiner or something. Now I realize chemical imbalances can screw with anyone, good life or not. Now I'll be a little more aware of how I'm feeling and why, and know if I need to get help or not.

About a month ago, a high schooler in my city chased a car with 5 other high schoolers in it, one being his ex-girlfriend, and proceeded to kill the driver, severely injure a passenger (who is still not doing well and may not make it), beat up his ex, and then kill himself. Before that day, he was known to be a really nice kid who never got into any trouble. Obviously something was wrong there, and if he had gotten the help he needed, maybe a few lives would have been saved. With all of the other shootings that have been happening (church shootings, mall shootings, school shootings, etc.), it's obvious there are a lot of people out there who aren't getting the help they need for their mental illnesses.

I really hope that this post may have spurred a lot of people to spread the word that it's ok to need help...I know I will!

Sorry that was so long, and thank you so much for being so open!

I was preparing for another sleepness night, something I've done countless times because of my depression and anxiety, and I remembered that I hadn't checked your post yet today.

I too was on medication - Effexor - for a while and it helped a little bit but I had to stop because I left my job to finish grad school and could no longer afford my meds. All this to say that I recently scheduled and then canceled appointments with my Doctor twice because I am embarrassed to see him. And the fact that my husband thinks I should "just get over it" is also keeping me from going back. Your post and the reader comments have convinced me that I need to call my Doctor tomorrow and keep the appointment this time.

heather,
Thank you for your honesty and bravery in sharing your life with the world. I have been on medicine for nearly 11 years now. Although it keeps my major symptoms down I struggle day to day. But without my medicine - for sure I would not be alive. I am just now realizing that I have to let go of the idea that I will "get better" or "be cured." Just as you said I will also be taking these pills for the rest of my life. As the saying goes - A bitter pill to swallow... I am learning that it is more about managing and coping - radical acceptance. It may not go away but I can learn to live along side my illness and with my medication I can be more of a partner then an enemy to it.

Effexor is the devil. I am currently being weaned off of it and switched to Prozac. I know exactly what you mean. It's a DISEASE just like any physical ailment and you wouldn't let pneumonia go untreated right? I am proud of myself every day for peeling myself of the ground and doing everything in my power to fix my problems instead of using them as a cruch or hating my life. Thanks.

I want to send a lInk of this post to every single one of my family members (extended) in the hopes that they will get past the stigma of medication. My grand mother was diabetic, and I take Wellbutrin. In my mind, both were/are neccessary. I take 300mg of Wellbutrin every day, I probably will for the rest of my life. And yes that was accurate 300mg, it happens. I just wish that some of my family members would realize that mental health is SO very important and that taking medication doesn't make you "less" of a person. That taking medication (for thos of us who need it) allows us to FUNCTION IN SOCIETY. Sorry, I tend to get emphatic about this subject.
Thank you for putting yourself out there and opening the eyes of so many. I hope it reaches far more than you hoped.

Thank you. Agree with you 100%. I too will never ever go off my pills again. For what? I'd rather be sane and happy thank you very much.

Good for you!

Tertia
South Africa

for me it wasn't wanting to admit failure or defeat, it was not wanting to think that I was 'crazy'. however, going on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety was the best thing for me and changed my quality of life. i can't imagine it not being a part of my life, and with that part, i am completely at piece. thank you so much for sharing.

Wow, Heather, I dont know what to say...I suffer from anxiety and am having a terrible time at the moment. I cant seem to handle anything at all anymore, least of all the stresses I'm faced with now. I had counselling for my anxiety a year ago and it was awful - the guy basically told me to pull myself together and stop worrying about things/people I couldnt change. Gee, thanks.

I think I may be a touch depressed with it - but then I think that the two naturally go hand in hand. You're bound to be a bit blue when you can hardly sit still cos you're practically shaking with fear - and half the time have no idea why.

Oops, I've rambled on there, sorry. Anyway, your post moved me to tears, cos I wish I could fix myself, I'm sick of having a mind that hates me and wont let me enjoy any of the things I know I should be. Sounds like its time I gave counselling another go...

Thanks Heather, your timing with that post couldnt have been better.

i've never wrote to you before but you deserve more than a comment ... more than 10,000 of them. you have been given a gift to reach soooooooooo many people... and i hope you rest easy many nights knowing you saved at least one persons life ... even the 1 makes all the bullshit worth it and its much better than this redundant comment

bravo girlie :)

Thankyou Heather.
I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember but it took me a long time to get help. And for the first couple of years I kept taking myself off the medication because I didn't want to take it.

My 2c here is that it is not only that you feel like a failure or that you are weak if you take medication. It is also that when you are depressed you are completely incapable of making logical and rational decisions. When you think about it logically and rationally, taking medication makes sense. You are sick, and as someone else pointed out, nobody thinks diabetic people are weak because they take insulin.

But when you're in the black hole and your head is full of fog and that person inside your mind (or at least this is how it is for me) is telling you over and over again that you're stupid and wrong and pathetic, you don't see it that way. You can't see it that way. Or at least I couldn't.

Also, the first few meds I took didn't really work for me so it wasn't until my 2nd psych put me onto a medication that actually worked that I was able to see through the fog and find out what it is like to be able to think clearly. It was only then that I could understand what everyone had been saying to me for years. It was only then that I could start doing things that would help me deal with my depression in the long term.

I have thought for years that there needs to be a chapter in every book on depression on "how to deal with the fact that you have to take medication to stay alive". Because I struggled with it so much and I KNOW that other people do as well. If I hadn't fought against taking the meds for so long I wouldn't have that blank patch in my memory from my early twenties when my depression was really bad. I would have 2 more years of memories.

Sorry, I got carried away.