It was you, and your essays about depression and bi-polar disorder that made me finally realize I needed help, again. I never wanted to admit that I couldn't exist without medication, but then I realized I was really close to not existing at all. Thank you.

I have both bipolar I disorder with co-morbid panic disorder. I'm on Seroquel and Lexapro daily with Ativan as needed. I will ALWAYS be on medications because without them, I'm not myself, I'm just my brain disease. With the meds, I can be myself, function rationally and process real emotions instead of a flood of phantom feelings that may or may not have a basis in reality.

Thank you for standing up and saying how much medications and doctors have helped you. I can only nod and empathize since my story is so similar to your own.

I think I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for years. I finally made the decision to talk to someone about it and have my first appointment coming up on Monday. This was a truly inspirational post.

Amen, and thank the lord for Zoloft! Hurrah!

I suffered alone with post-partum for all FOUR of my babies. When my youngest son was born I missed it- all of it. It wasn't until he turned three years old that I finally got relief with meds from what my Mother described as "nonsense". Thank you so much for sharing this.

Great post. Fortunately I don't suffer from any kind of depression but some people in my family do. I wish they would fix it with medication rather than drink. Drink doesn't seem to be working, somehow.

Great post! I feel SAD sneaking up on me again and I'm so grateful to my doc for giving me meds against it without questioning if I really need them. Go Heather!

If only everyone could get past the mental blocks stopping them from seeking help. If this post helps even one person, then it will be worth it. Thank you for being an advocate for mental health.

Heather,
I am so glad that you shared so much of yourself with us, thanks for being so real!
Depression isn't something to mess with, I agree totally that you should take care of it!
Best of luck to you.
Amanda

Wow. This post is powerful.

My biological mother had bipolar disorder and was subsequently unable to care for me, so I was adopted by my aunt and uncle. Most of my life, I have envisioned mental illness as being worse than cancer...thinking that if it happened to me, they would take MY kids away. Thinking that I would have no future if I were 'crazy.'

For many years I have tried to understand the nature of mental illness, even getting a degree in psychology. But this post and all of the supportive comments let me breathe a sigh of relief. To see that so many people are able to find hope through medication and therapy.

Thank you again for these words. They mean more than you know.

Heather

Thank you so much for this.

Not because I'm depressed or bipolar - but because i now know what to do if I ever start to feel that dark veil. Rest assured I WILL follow your advice if that time ever comes.

This post should be required reading for all, not just those who visit Dooce.

Well done :)

It takes a very brave person to admit to needing help. It feels like you're giving up, when in fact, you're giving IN. Giving in to the fact that there is a better way out there, and maybe if the first drug doesn't work, maybe the second one will. Or the third. After being misdiagnosed schizophrenic at 15 and wrongly medicated for years, I was finally diagnosed properly, ultradian bipolar type I. This means that I can cycle between mania and depression in less than 24 hours. Whee! After years and years on different medications, I've found a cocktail that is promising, not perfect, but it looks like it might. After all the weight gain and broken promises, it looks like I have a shot at a normal life after all. Wouldn't that be a hoot!

Big hugs to you,

Lysa

Thank you for your post. I really needed to read about this at this time.

I, too, will never be able to leave the house without my 20mg of Lexapro and I am coming to terms with needing to go to bed with 100mg of Trazadone. I was on the verge of suicide and my husband was faced with the decision of committing his wife.

I still face a darkness I have only ever been able to describe as a hand reaching up to my throat, trying to strangle me. But the meds have helped. I was ready to commit to them and get the help I needed. No one could have made me or asked me. It came from me and I know it helps me.

I have detailed my own fights on my own journal, but I have been reading you for years and despite the 927 comments that come before mine, I felt this was the post I had to add my own voice to. Take care.

Thank you. People need to hear this. I know I need to get help because laying awake at night wondering if I'll ever be able to sleep for more than moments at a time is not OK and the day will come when I won't be able to control the tears in the middle of the day.

Thank you for being strong. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

If only mental illness could be perceived as just another category of illness, along with diabetes, arthritis, cancer or even erectile dysfunction, for God's sake! My ex-husband suffered from depression and would not seek treatment for fear that someone would find out and he would lose his job. No matter how much I implored him to get help, he refused and spiralled downward until I could be of no help to him. I left him and we divorced and I have no idea how he is now, and it saddens me that a person so full of promise and goodness and talent lived and probably continues to live a life of utter torment. Unless you have lived through depression or at least shared your life with someone who has, it is impossible to comprehend the depths of it and the daily struggle just to get through the day. Thank you for being so honest, Heather. I truly hope that you have helped one person to take that first frightening step towards reclaiming their life.

Some of your posts concerning post-partum were instrumental in convincing myself that I might need more help than a bottle and a joint could provide. Thank you again for reminding me why I can't stay quiet about that part of my life. Rock on, Heather.

I check your site almost every day because I love your pictures, your dog is cute, I think your effing hilarious, you have a great outlook on life, and your sense of humor is unlike many others.

I read this post yesterday, and I wanted to say that I think it takes an amazing person to share this part of their life with anyone who wants to read it. You're brave, and honest, and I think your a great mom too.

The world needs more people like you.

Just, thank you. Zoloft saved me, too, after the birth of my daughter. Thank you for putting yourself out there and being so candid about your experience. Reading your story helped me identify that what I was going through was NOT normal and that it WAS ok to get help. You have no idea how many lives you have touched. I am so glad that you were able to find the right medication to make life livable again. And for helping me, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Just want to say thanks once again. I wrote to you when I first discovered your blog, shortly after I was prescribed Prozac and I continue to appreciate your honesty. It was hard for me to hear, and hard for me to accept, that a second opinion also prescribed Prozac. I was having such a hard time accepting that I needed it, and couldn't believe that it could make a difference in my shitty life. But it turns out, my life ISN'T SHITTY, and Prozac pulled me out of a very dark and scary place.

I went from contemplating throwing myself off a balcony, to making a bunch of friends and embracing my life. And just in time. So thanks for using this site to get it out there. Wish my mom would log on and get enlightened.

Heather,

thank you for this post- it was so timely and appropriate. After each of my children was born I had a period of time where I wrestled with depression. No one seemed to understand- even the good feelings hurt me- it was like mentally rolling in glass. Everything was so sharp and overwhelming. You can't just 'get over it' or 'make yourself keep things in perspective'. for some reason at that time I just could not- thank you for speaking up and letting people know- it's ok to seek help.

phenomenal. well done.

Heather, thanks so much for this post. I have been in and out of therapy for 14 years now and, for the longest time, thought something was wrong with me. Medication changed my life and gave me back the ability to function. I truly hope this post helps people who might be lurking, struggling with things they're too ashamed to tell anyone - therapy can literally change your life. Thanks for being brave enough to share your story with the world so others have the courage to get help.

Did you try to conceive this last time without going off your meds?

Heather,

Me, too.
Brilliant.
Thank You.

g

I've never really been able to engage in life because of my constant sadness and fear. I rarely try to explain this to anyone, because when I do they don't understand. They see the me that holds down a big job and makes big decisions and leads big groups of people. What they don't get is the amazing amount of pain and grit that it took for me just to get out of bed and take a shower. I don't know how to fill that deep, dark void that continues to grow and smother me. You give me hope, Dooce. I need to talk to a doctor about medication.

Allow me to be the latest to say: Well said. Thank you.

Stephen Fry - an immensely gifted British actor who was clinically diagnosed late in life with bipolar disorder - made a gut-wrenchingly honest documentary called The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. Like many other sufferers, Fry has resisted medication and bought into the temptation that Heather describes: the belief that if one takes medication, one will lose a part of oneself.

I urge everyone to try and see it.

I am not listing my full name but feel compelled to mention that without the therapy I received for five years in my mid to late twenties I would very likely be dead from suicide. I didn't understand my aggressive and exaggerated responses to normal stimuli were caused by PTSD. At the time, I didn't even know what PTSD was. People who are perpetually exposed to violence and chaos - even with periodic lulls - are in a heightened state of awareness caused by constant adrenalin surges. These surges can actually permanently alter one's brain chemistry. Like a soldier back from a war, I still find myself in flight or fight mode and have to work at this. I will have this all of my life. (PTSD is very difficult to treat.)

Though I probably could have used it, I didn't go on medication. (My shrink didn't recommend it at the time.) I have had numerous physical therapies to help me release tension and rebalance my head. Meditation and empowering exercise is a necessary staple of life. (As Heather has mentioned before though, for clinically depressed people, medication is a staple.)

Living with anxiety, depression, and irrational but visceral fear is like having a writhing python inside of your body. It's an unbearable, intolerable, shameful - and unnecessary - mass.

Heather,

You rock. And you're brave. And cool.

Did I mention you rock?

B

Now I know why you close comments. Looks like you forgot this time.

BRAVO, Heather!

You've got the biggest gonads I've ever seen on any human being!

And THANK YOU!

Bravo! You are a brave woman and I commend you. Lexapro saved my marriage and my soul. I wish more people would understand. My own mother doesn't know I take the drugs because she would just tell me to "get over it".

I'm sure your story will help people. I was so against going to therapy. I figured I was always known as the strong one who could handle anything, I didn't need anyone's help. My mom died suddenly when I was 17 and I had to help raisemy 6 year old brother and help run a household. Nope, no therapy for me because I can handle anything.

Ten years go by and my husband up and leaves me. I was a complete disaster and was hitting rock bottom. When I couldn't leave the house for days at a time and was becomming more and more suicidal, I bit the bullet and went in for therapy. You know what? I liked it. I liked my doctor and after a while it felt good to unload all my crap on her, big or small. I could complain and not feel guilty! And afterwards, things would be in perspective so I could deal.

I also started medication and it's changed my life. I didn't know how low I was until the meds kicked in. I still feel every emotion, I can just deal with them and the things around me much better. I quit the drugs cold turkey last summer and I was a mess. Luckily a friend sat me down and said this wasn't the right thing to do or way to do it and I went back on. I'm thankful every day I have the meds to keep me sane and the therapy as needed when things get a bit too much for me.

For anyone who's dealing with these issues, get help, the help that's right for you.

I am eternally grateful the brilliant scientists who came up with the medications that my sister and my husband take daily to deal with their depression (and in my sister's case, anxiety--her experience is similar to yours although she was younger when she had her breakdown that led to a hospital stay). My younger sister suffered from postpartum depression and was on medication for several months after her first and I believe her husband is on anti-anxiety medication. I wasn't joking (much) when I commented one year that I would be one of the rare non-medicated family members at a holiday as several of my cousins and an aunt or two are also on antidepressants. I firmly believe it has saved more than a few lives in my family and I'll loudly proclaim the benefits of these various medications. Unfortunately, a dear friend did commit suicide a few years ago because his wife had convinced him that if "his faith was strong enough" he could pray his way out of depression. I'm still angry at her and her amazing stupidity that essentially killed my friend. So, thank you for this very eloquent and very necessary post. I hope it finds those who need the reassurance that it's OK to need help.

First, yes. This was awesome and brave and an important thing to say.

Second, it's also a bit one sided. Which is mostly okay, because you are only one person. And while I am SO glad that there are apparently so many people who have such a rosy view of psychiatry, it is not always so rosy. Yes, I take medicine. Yes, I am eternally grateful for it. But no, I would never involve myself further in than that again. There are abuses (subtle and gross) and there are a lot of lies. And psychiatry would love to portray itself as being as rosy as you have found it. But it does not admit to having a moral/political/social agenda. I think that it is okay for it to have political leanings, but to portray itself as "objective" while masking its agenda is not okay. (The abuses within psychiatry are my ax to grind.)

Third, I don't mean to be a party pooper. I just want to be the voice that says, "don't forget to use your head." At a time when people are so vulnerable and desperate for help, remember that mental health professionals are not magicians. Even if it seems like it. When people call them magicians, that is called a hyperbole.

This is so completely foreign to me. Completely. I didn't have PPD with any of my children and while I do sometimes say I feel "depressed," I really do not know what that means in the very real sense of the word. I think, though, that beyond recognizing you need help, other people need to realize that it's not just something you turn off and on at will, but something that needs to be treated, with meds or therapy or a combination of the two. A friend of mine does suffer in the way you describe and we often have conversations about how she wishes her family would just understand that it's different for her, that she can't just "snap out of it" like they demand. They don't have to know what it feels like, she says, but just know that it's difficult. I can't give her the relief she needs, but I hope that in a small way at least understanding that I know it's harder for her helps.

Hello Heather,
Been a longtime reader, but first time I've ever commented. I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty and courage to be healthy and happy. For a long time, I thought it was best to try to cope on my own. But your words has helped me recognize that I can have the courage to find another way to be healthy and happy for myself. Thank you again.

double posting, ew, but i forgot to add that you're so lucky to have a husband who was willing to go thru all this with you. we should all be so lucky. and congrats to you for having the proverbial balls to say something.

AMEN!

While there's no way I could comb through nearly 1,000 comments, I just wanted you to know that I cannot agree with you more.

I've been in therapy for most of my adult life. I was in for almost the first entire year we were married and went, back and have been going back, ever since my daughter was a year old (she turns 4 this month).

I belive that we all need to see a therapist at least once in our life, and most of us should see one regularly.

I have loved both my therapists. One of them defintely saved my life, too, and the other is helping me see things in a healthy way.

Thank you for having the courage to say this. All of it. Thank you for your truth and transparency.

Hey, i've been reading your blog for as long i as i can remember. I've been going in and out of some emotional states for afew months, the repetitive cycle is driving me nuts, but everyone thinks it's normal and just a phase, i'd like to think of it that way, but it's withdrawing me from many things - school, people, friends. I started taking it out on afew very good friend of mine. I'm worried that it may get worse, i don't know if i should seek treatment cus everyone around me is all, "you'll get over it, i get it all the time, you're fine" am i..

All in Thanks for being so brave to share ^-^

there is a history of anxiety in my family. My grandmother was an alcoholic but my mom wised up and takes medication instead. I have taken effexor for years and will never go off it. my sons have both needed a med at different points in their life. it's fine, nothing bad about it. my sister in law made a stupid comment and it cost us $2200 to have our wills completely redone so she can never be guardian for my kids. I can't have them potentially raised by someone who "doesn't believe in that medication crap". it has saved lives.

Hi Heather
Once again, thank you so much for being so honest about your depression & anxiety. I too struggle every day with depression and I thank the stars for people like yourself who are brave enough to talk about it when it seems like no-one else wants to. You are a constant inspiration, thank you.
Wishing you & your family and happy & healthy festive season and may all your dreams and wishes come true in the new year.

I am going to copy and paste this and send it to my girl friend who is going through some heavy duty stuff. I love your blog and stop in daily.
thank you for entries.

Oh, and I forgot. My wonderful fiance is dying to get my Oregon. He used to live there and wants to show that to me but I am terrified of the whole plane ride. I will feel trapped. Any advice?

Heather, there was even a reference to this post over on True Mom Confessions yesterday! Everyone is loving this post so much, they're spreading the LOVE.

Thank you. I have a similar story and feel so validated by your story. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Kisses to Leta and Chuck!

Thank you for articulating so elegantly the feelings of so many. Without therapy to help me through a divorce two years ago, and to realize the pain I'd been carrying around for so many years before that, I have no idea how I could have continued to maintain even the most basic daily functions. My therapist saved me. I have no problem telling people that. I'm just so glad that you can tell so many, many people all at once. Thank you.

Thanks for writing this. There is no shame in being on an antidepressant. There is not shame in having a sickness, which is (in my opinion) what depression and anxiety and the like ARE. I don't know why people wait so long, either. I guess maybe because they are embarassed? But if they had an infection would they let it fester for months until it consumed them and their family and threw their entire life into upheaval? I doubt it.
Now, I know there are those that DON'T need to be on meds that are. I've got those in my family. But I can tell you that Christmas became much more enjoyable and had much less crying when the husband and I finally admitted that we both had a family history or Bi-polar and that it wasn't going away. So we did the best thing we could have done for our children and sucked it up and got treatment. We don't want them growing up in a freakin' miserable household. And guess what? We're happy. We have great days, good days and could-be-better days, but I no longer feel as if I am drowning...

It may sound silly, but your story is part of what helped me to go back to therapy and get back on the drugs. It did feel like a failure, like admitting that I hadn't "beaten" depression. But I know now it's a fight I can't win.

Thank you, Heather.

Without your courage in sharing your story, I'm not so sure I'd be alive. Your frank discussion of your depression and how much the meds helped you were part of the reason that I finally got help. You also inspired me to share my own story on my blog, in the hopes that someone who reads it might be able to seek treatment, no matter what their friends or family might think.

I'm not sure if you read all of the bazillion comments that people leave, but I hope you do, because I want you to know that you have my deepest gratitude.

~LA

I am a survivor too - thanks to meds - and I think it's just awesome that so many people feel helped and saved by you sharing your story. There are people out there that don't get blogs, but they can be truly great things. Your inspiration is what's needed when one wants to get better - and then meds!
Keep on doing the good work...you'd be very missed otherwise.

Thank you Heather!

Heather,

I wanted to let you know that I asked my doctor about going back on meds yesterday. I am now back on Zoloft and hoping that this gray goes away soon.

thank you so much for being so candid.

Heather this is the best blog you have ever posted!
I have been taking medication for anxiety and depression for
many years. When it first struck me back in 1997 I didn't
hesitate for one moment to get help from my doctor.
I take my medicine daily and feel normal 95% of the time.
I still feel there is a stigma about medication, so the only
people who know what I take are my doctor and my sister.
I know a lot of people that just wouldn't understand so I don't
tell them and go on with my life.
Thanks a million for sharing your story and giving us readers
a safe place to tell our story.

Thank you so much Heather. I've been on zoloft since a few months after the birth of my child four months ago. I know for a fact it saved my life.

I have been made to feel a failure by some "friends" for this and you know what? I chose my happiness and my family's happiness over them. And I've never regretted it.
Good for you to say this. I hope someone in need reads this.

Thank you. I sent this to a family member who really needed to read it.

"I'm in ongoing therapy for what's called C-R-A-Z-Y."

Brilliant!

Heather, I think you are very courageous to open yourself to others with the goal of helping. I am always surprised to see that there is still a stigma attached to anything mental, when in reality it is a medical problem. So is appendicitis which is serious if ignored. Mental conditions are similar in that there is treatment available also. The only wrong thing here is not seeking treatment You are so wise to continue your medication, even if it is ongoing, because you see the need to do that. I am truly happy for you that you can have many happy relationships. I have some very good friends and also relatives who are bi-polar or depressed. Some are good with being on meds, some refuse to look into it. I intend to give your blog to others, I know it will be beneficial to them to know of a success story. Please continue to tell others how you went from the depths of misery to a happy life, you are doing a good and positive thing.

Thank you so much for this, Heather. I sent to a friend of mine who really needs to know she's not alone. She is on the brink of something really scary, and she just needs to know that she is not alone. I love her so much and I don't want her to hurt. Thank you for being brave and talking about something so painful.

Love to you and your family.

LH

That was inspiring. You are inspiring.

Thank you!

Heather,

Thank you for sharing this. So many people live in such a dark place, if you have reached even one (and I think from all the comments here you have done way more than that) it is so worth the exposure.

I have been on meds since I was 25 (13 years now) and will continue to take them until I die. Like any other sickness this is treatable and I have NO shame is taking care of my health through chemistry.

Again, thank you for your honesty, it is refreshing as always.

Heather -- I can not stress enough how important it is for those of us dealing with chronic mental health issues, and most especially those who feel like we are (or can be) success stories, to speak out and be open.

I've been a faithful reader for a long time, and will probably continue to read for a long time more. You've long done a fabulous job of this, and this post is an excellent example. Thank you for using this platform to do real good.

This is by far the very best entry you've ever written. Congrats on your success.

Thanks to you and all the commentors. I am going to read all four pages (so far) of you. It's such a gift to learn that I am so not alone. I just wish I had made my decision to get help many years earlier. Am thankful for my first anniversary of therapy and Effexor.

In the past year both my grandmother's have died; within the past two years my father died and both my inlaws died. I'm now raising my niece and nephew and two weeks ago my step-dad was told he is in the final stages of congential heart failure. We are watching him slowly slip away every day. Last week, when I felt I'd had all I could take, my mother fell and broke her shoulder and now has pnemonia (sp?). They can't drive. It's all my responsiblity. I cry all the time. No, really. ALL THE TIME.

I also think about dying all the time. I don't know what to do, who to talk to, who will understand, how could a medication possible help what I'm feeling? I feel lost, afraid, terrified, weak, inadequate, a failure, miserable and worthless. I want the world to just stop so I can catch up. We also just bought a beautiful brand new house two weeks ago and I haven't had time to move in. A beautiful, brand new 3500 sq ft home with granite counter tops, a new cherry red front loader washer and dryer, beautiful flooring - what should be a dream home and I can't even be excited about it. I just want to go to bed. And cry. I'm so profoundly sad. I don't know where to go, what to do, what to say if I knew who to talk to. It's all so much.

Now how in the world could there be any better way to say these things?

Simple yet utter brilliance here, Heather.

Excellent.

I'm sure there isn't much I could say that hasn't already been said - and there's *no way* I'm going to read through 1000+ comments to find out - but I do want to say that I was startled by how similar your story is to mine.

Right on Heather!

:-)

Geez, so many comments, you probably won't read this. However, I had to say thank you, I teared up, you hit the nail right on the head, if you don't mind a cliche or two.

When everyone tells you to buck up, get over it, be strong, and you just can't -- it is ok to ask for help. We're not alone here on this planet, we're here to help one another out, and however one chooses to "get over it," is a good thing, if it helps you want to wake up every day.

love your blog, and Leta is adorable.

I have been dealing with severe depression for 13 years. I have been on all the medications out there, with most of them not working, and in and out of therapies. I have attempted suicide 3 times since I was 14 years old. In that time, I graduated from an Ivy League university and started grad school there as well.

Yesterday, I was discharged from my first ever psychiatric hospitalization. I had just reached the point where I could no longer keep myself safe and so at 2 AM two Sunday nights ago, my roommate and I went to the ER.

Though my time in the hospital was helpful in many ways, it is still devastating and sort of surreal to me that I spent 12 days in a psychiatric ward. But I read your post tonight, and I know that your words are true...unfortunately, the shame and stigma are so easy to internalize. And what I know when I am healthy, is infinitely harder to remember when I am ill.

Heather, I was wondering if, someday, you could write such a heartfelt and honest post about how Jon handles it all. He obviously is very supportive, but is there another side? My story is much like yours, but even though I accept it all and deal with it every day, its hard on my marriage when the rough patches occur. sometimes its like going back to square one. Does Jon have a support group ,or is he just strong and wonderful as is?

thanks for being a voice for depression among us all. I truly appreciate it.

Zoloft changed my sister's life. She went off it when she got pregnant, too, but then her OCD came back in a terrible way. Her doctor had her go back on it while pregnant, which was a blessing. She has stayed on it since, including during her second pregnancy. Both girls are smart, healthy, and happy. As is my sister. She calls it her crazy drugs that her crazy doctor gives her. We call it happiness. And there ain't nothin' wrong with it!

I need help and have for a long time but am just now beginning to realize how soundly my ass is being kicked by whatever is wrong in my head. Things are bad. But I still can't cope with the idea of doing the what-meds-will-work-without-unbearable-side-effects crapshoot. I tried just a couple things, old school tricyclics, over ten years ago; they were no good and I couldn't keep trying. One of depression's big party favors is being unable to get the motivation to get stuff done, yes? So how am I supposed to face down the possibility of a very long time of failed trial and error? Someone mentioned in one of these comments that they looked for the right drug for four years. I am scared I wouldn't make it nearly that long before deciding that nothing works, nothing's ever gonna work, and why do I bother when it's completely futile. It's almost like, if I'm not even trying, then there's the idea of hope out there... but if I'm trying and it's not working there is nothing. I don't know what to do.

Irony: my sweet husband is on Lexapro and so much happier... AND so much easier to live with. I'm happy for him and for us. It was the first thing his doc tried. Still.

Here's the link for NAMI:
http://www.nami.org
They helped our family deal with my spouse's illness more than words can say.

You should consider submitting this to the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. Your courage to say it like it is, is the only thing that will ever rid this world of the many sad and very wrong mental health stigmas that exist. Kudos to you...thanks for sharing!

Thank you so much. I, too, am a Utah woman who FINALLY got help after years of suffering with depression...and I mean a DEEP depression. The post-partum was the worst. I am so grateful for good meds and my therapist. I will also be taking my meds for the rest of my life, and my blog helps me cope by getting it all out there. Hugs, Laura

Thank you for this post. For saying it so much better than I ever could. Having suffered from wicked PMS for years and then PPD I cannot ever see giving up my meds.

If more people were open and honest people like my brother would not have killed himself at the age of 20. It still saddens me 18 years later to realize how alone and depressed he must have been. And could not see the way out.

I'm printing this off and keeping a copy in my purse to carry with me at all times. You coined it beautifully. A friend committed Suicide last year because she was afraid/proud/whatever to admit to her bipolar disorder until she was too far gone.

Same goes for people who are in chronic pain - take a pill instead of living in hurt all of your life.

nothing is wrong with therapy/drugs - it's better than living in a crap hole.

God Bless You!

Congrats Heather, I'm so glad you've come out with such a positive outlook on life!

I hope this message of yours reaches someone in a similar position and helps them.

Very moving post.

Heather,

I'm in training to be a psychologist, so I really appreciate this post. I hate that people view the mental health profession as 'giving up.' It can work, it really can. Sometimes all people need is a little push.

There are people that have such a genetic predisposition to depression that they're forced to take drugs their whole life to manage it. And there's nothing wrong with that. There are other people who are born with juvenie diabetes and are forced to take drugs. Or chronic stomach pain. Or people that are diagnosed with high cholesterol and no matter how much they exercise and keep their weight down, still have it. So they take the drugs. And do they get the flack? No. I've never seen the difference between the mental health profession and a PCP. Either way, it's your life. And like you wouldn't want to suffer with a broken leg, why would you want to suffer OCD like that, continuously?

As a person who saw members of their family struggle with anxiety, I've seen what it can do. ANd I've seen the difference therapy and medication can do and how it gives people back their lives. THANK YOU, so much Heather, for this post and for your honesty.

I would no more forget to take my Zoloft each day than as a college co-ed forget to take my birth control pill!!!

Dana in VA

Thank you for this...
My OCD began when I was just a child, and by the time I was a teenager, I felt possessed. I lost so much sleep and so much time to my compulsions, and suffered needlessly for many years. Because I was embarrassed about my compulsive rituals, it was hard for me to open up in therapy, and my mother subsequently decided that I really must not need it (I was 13). This caused me to be even more ashamed, and it was not until recently that I was able to talk about it at all (I am now 25). Luckily, my brother is on medication, and open about it, so that helps a little. I still suffer from a much milder OCD, anxiety, and periodic depression. I am afraid of medication, but your stories give me hope.

After 1064 comments is there any point?

I think I have to say something though--medication wreaked havoc on my body and I also have my doubts about how well it works for me. This is just one story in a lot of other stories.

There are so many things I want to say to respond to you Heather but I'm a bit intimidated because I don't want to be one of the awful commentators. When you had PPD you wrote me an email once because I said something nice to you in an email and you'd received some hateful emails. I think this was about Leta's pacifier? I don't remember. Anyway, this is not about being a Heather-basher but about entering into a conversation with you and the rest of the continent who reads your website. It's an issue that has affected my life and I do want to give a different side to the story.

It's hard not to be anonymous here but I will go ahead and link to my site...I feel a little safer with the gajillion comments anyway. First, I am 'ashamed' of mental illness because it is a huge terrible stigma that would--I can say without doubt--have a terrible, terrible effect on my life and my professional standing if anyone knew what my problems are. So I do need to hide it.

Second, I developed permanent physical problems from paxil where not only can I not control my weight but I cannot eat any refined carbohydrates without gaining massive amounts of weight. Some foods now also affect my mood in such in a way that suggests I am no longer physically able to process them. Paxil did horrible and permanently bad things to my body--and my health was always affected in various little ways by these medications. The medications have costs for some people. (Some people don't have these problems. But you could see why, if they exist, they could be a sufficient reason to try other means than medication without it meaning they were too proud or stubborn.)

Further, they are extremely difficult to get off of. This is a plain fact. SSRIs are very hard to quit for many, many people. This is why it is a good idea to take the idea of going on medication seriously. If you are on it for enough time, going off it may be very hard. So I hope very much for each person that takes medication that it is something they truly need and it is something that actually works for them. It is a big drag to suffer from months of insomnia and nightmares and shaking and neurological symptoms to get off a drug that wasn't good for you in the first place.

Third, I have never found a medication that makes me happy. I have discovered is that certain life conditions seem to exacerbate my problems and that--when my life is a certain way--I do not have these problems to anything like the same degree. But this requires a level of low stress and security that is simply impossible for me now or maybe ever. Maybe for anyone. So from certain experiences I have come to think that there is a more reliable path to happiness involved in living a different kind of life (not possible for me now). I throw that in there just to temper the idea that all chronic mental problems are the result of some kind of natural malfunction in the brain rather than a misfit between the brain and the kind of environment modern people live in.

It really isn't such a bad idea to find out other answers to one's problems before going on medication. I can't speak for other people but it doesn't seem unwise to me for people to regard medication as a kind of last resort after other things have been tried rather than the first thing you try. However, if you are suicidal, then that's obviously the time to go to your last resort.

Fourth, I do believe that many ordinary states are now being classified as mental illnesses in need of medication--such as shyness. Should they be? Or is this simply because it is too difficult to be different in this society?

Finally, I think that a significant portion of these mental problems are also social issues. Even political issues. For one thing, there is an imperative to work much harder than we should, to appear happy in social spaces like work, to be peppy and energetic and 'positive.' This puts many people in the position where they feel they have to take medication in order to compete in our very competitive economy and society. Maybe some of our discontent has reasons behind it? Other societies and cultures do not suffer from the same epidemic of depression and anxiety that Americans suffer from. (Of course, other ones are reportedly full of melancholic alcoholic, so, you know.) Again, all I'm saying here is that we should step beyond our brain functioning and wonder a little bit about the challenges of human life and bigger questions about how we live. In addition to thinking about our personal suffering and dysfunction--for I do know that is very real.

Some medications are appealing (to me personally!) because they level us off and make us more similar to each other so it is easier for us to fit in.

The requirement to function at a high level at all times means I can't afford to have panic attacks or be weird, melancholic, confused. Obviously, I don't want to. But I might ride these episodes out longer and see if they went away on their own if there was more tolerance for a little weirdness in my environment--if I were allowed to struggle publicly, etc.

I am never sure whether meds help or how much they help--especially long term-- but since it could be said I have an illness and because there is a drug for this illness I get desperate and take them. And yes, I have been in dire straights and it did seem that they were a part of getting me out of those straights. But as far as a long term solution, I am more doubtful for myself.

Knowing what I do about medication, I would never tell any person that he/she should take them or even if it would be a good idea for anyone to take them. I would be especially reluctant to imply that they would 'cure' that person because I think for many people they are not anything like a cure. And it could be very disappointing to discover they are not a cure if you are hoping for one. You could get lucky and they may be the answer. Or they might not be. People should know that going in.

I have a history that is not that different from yours, Heather, except that medication is not a great solution to my problem. I hope you and other people (if they read this) will see it for what it is--just some thoughts about how truly complex the issue of psychotropic medication is. I am not saying there is anything wrong with medication. I am not saying that people should not take it. I am not saying it does not help. I am not saying there is no mental illness. I am saying that this is harder and trickier problem than it might seem to be. For some people, medication won't be enough and for some people, medication won't work and for some people, medication might be worse than another solution and for some people, medication might be the answer.

Also, I'm not saying you are pushing medication. I'm just trying to add a little bit to fill out the picture here.

I went through something very similar and am taking Zoloft for chronic social anxiety. Part of it for me, beforehand, was not being able to see my way out of it. I had no idea what medication could do- I thought of what drugs and alcohol do.

It took me having three kids and being twenty-seven to finally decide to try to help myself, and when I did I realized that maybe most people have the ability to feel happy like this, to feel normal, to have the ability to do things, like write a letter, do their taxes, go grocery shopping, without breaking down.

It was an epiphany I couldn't have until I was on the other side, because the only way I knew how to be was the way I was being. Thanks for sharing this, Heather- hopefully some other people will have an inkling of what could be.

Thank you.
Just ... thank you.

Thank you for blogging your powerful & enlightening story!

Thank you for a great service. I believe that these drugs are as important as insulin and CERTAINLY viagra! Also, I understand that 80m of Prozac will address OCD. I am on 80m for depression and OCD and it changed my life. My home is clean. (and Flylady.com) Also, I added topamax a year ago and yet again my life has changed for the better. I will never stop taking my meds. Thank you, Heather for a wonderful post.

Margaret

Hi Heather,

This is the second time I'm reading about you talking about your anxiety/depression and am very happy for you that you've got it under control now.

My own chronic severe depression began at about 12 and my parents were aware that I could not sleep at night and was always grumpy but thought I was pretending to get attention... so I didn't get treatment till about 19 when a doctor aunt whom I hardly see thought something was up with me and strongly suggested I see a psychiatrist.

Things got worse.. saw different doctors, had all sorts of medication thrown at me that made me lethargic or faint or turned me into a zombie, I lost about 8kg then gained about 10kg...

Eventually I started finding peace with myself with the support of some church friends and tapered off the medication myself. Right now I'm not on any medication and it's always a struggle. In one of your earlier posts about your depression you wrote about yourself crying and crying over some small matters like a broken plate or something and I could so relate to that.

What I'm feeling is happiness that one person who has been through things like what I've been through is better now.

Best wishes and regards to you, Leta and Jon.

This post was incredible. I have been reading your blog for years, and this is my first comment. I have suffered from anxiety since I was 18. It took me almost 8 years of struggling every day before I finally gave in and went on medicine. Zoloft has changed my life. I felt like I was being strong by not taking medicine for my problem, but someone like you made me see the light. Thank you for summing up so many of our experiences so beautifully.

Heather,

I completely agree with you! I suffer from anxiety and meditication and therapy helps SO much! I'm finally at a stage where I only need to see her once a month and slowly taper from that. But the medication? I agree, I will be on something for the rest of my life. And I agree, for some people they NEED to be on it, myself included.

Thanks for being a voice out there to let other know.

Thank you.

I've just recently finally admitted to myself that what I've been battling since I was 12 is anxiety. I'm trying to take steps to seek help, but where I live that's a lot easier said than done. I don't have a family doctor & sought help through a local free clinic of sorts...only to be placed in a weekly crisis coping group where we're talked AT for an hour like we're 10 year olds. I'm trying to somehow find one on one counseling...possibly consider medication in the future.

I've been visiting your site for years...since Leta was first born, I believe. I've read about your struggles, the pain & anguish & I've always felt you were one tough cookie that should be praised for your candor about this topic. While I am completely willing to be supportive to myself & not beat myself up about how/who I am, it's much harder when it comes to friends & family that don't quite seem to understand & think I can just "get over it" or that it's all in my head.

So again, thank you for making people like me feel much less alone.

Opps, I meant to say "he left this world......

Zoloft saved me, too. Reading this post was like reading something I wrote myself. Thanks Heather, we all love you.

White people are in denial that God is burning their skin because He hates them. But who cares.

God made His light discriminate between blacks and whites to burn the whites so that we can see them write stupid statements like the ones they are writing.

White people don't deserve to be able to walk in the Light of God.

How does a person go about reading 1088, 1099, 1100...comments? You poor thing!

Having lived with depression for over 50 years, I know that it is an illness that can go into remission, but dealing with it can sometimes take all your strength.

The T.V. show "ER" put it succinctly: "Sometimes using all your strength means asking for help."

Your friend should be told.

Best, Gail

I'm so thankful that there are finally websites and news articles published about depression and anxiety. Kudos to you for writing so honestly and intelligently to shed light on what millions go through--some may not even know what they have or be embarrassed to seek help. Knowledge is power and has impact--please keep up the great work.

When I was going through the worst of my depression and anxiety attacks (including postpartum depression), I felt so isolated and like I was the only one in the world going through it. This also happened while I was living in England after my son was born--what a nightmare. Now in my 40's, I see how ridiculous it was for me to feel like there was something wrong with ME because I wanted a happier and more stable life which includes antidepressants and yes, sometimes, the "dreaded addictive" anti-anxiety medication when needed. Some of my family members and friends just didn't understand why medication and having a therapist was needed to "feel better." Unfortunately, they are the uninformed ones who will more than likely also suffer from some form of anxiety or depression during one time or another in their life. The quality of life for me and my entire family is 200% better since I took the necessary steps to address the chemical imbalance, reduce the stress and move on with living a healthy, happy and productive life.

I've read your blog over the years and have always been impressed with how straight-forward you are about your mental health issues. I, too, have been on Zoloft 3 times and am currently on 20mg of Prozac- which I will stop when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands. I am in school right now getting a Master's in Social Work and am doing an internship at a VA. Therapy and medication aren't just about a quick fix, they can truly turn a person's life around. I see so much trauma in my work and I am grateful for people like you who normalize mental health treatment and help to spread the message that it doesn't have to be so bad.

For what it's worth, I take 40mg of Citalopram for anxiety, and have a Lorazepam every now and again when I'm feeling like the most worthless human in the world. Now that I'm writing that, I'm thinking that my depression is holding me back again, and I have no qualms whatsoever about taking more meds.
What's hardest to deal with is the way you get treated when you tell people about it, especially new, possible relationships, and my Mum always has a hard time coming to terms with it. She rang the other day and said What are you doing - done your Xmas shopping? And I said actually Mum, I can't bring myself to go outside and see happy people. She was all, Oh, go on! Just get up and go! And I have had depression now for about 10 years.

I forwarded this link to my mother, who I believe has issues with depression that she will not admit to. Our relationship has always been strained, and has come to the point that she is not speaking to me right now. We have, in the past, went a couple of years without speaking. Those years were both very hard and very freeing at the same time. Our family believes she needs therapy, and possibly meds, and I have asked her many times to go to therapy with me to help our relationship, yet she refuses.

I forwarded her the link to this entry, and asked her to please realize the message you are trying to convey. It is not a weakness to ask for help, it is a strength. I had a baby 5 months ago and suffered PPD and anxiety, and she has actually used that against me in the issues we have, as if to imply that my opinion doesn't matter because I'm depressed. Like I have the issues, not her. I replied that I am proud, not ashamed, to admit that I needed help, and there was nothing wrong with that. And I asked her to please seek help for her anxiety and mood swings. I do not remember the last conversation I had with her that did not end with her hanging up the phone, slamming my door, or screaming so incoherently that I honestly couldn't understand what she was saying.

I hope your entry is a wake up call to her and anyone else struggling to please seek help. When two out of your three children have such issues with you as a mother, it is time to seek help. I hope she takes it to heart and realizes we love her and want her to get better.

Thank you for being so candid.

BRAVA!!
Lexapro saved my marriage, my life. As a mom I struggle everyday, but getting help (in many forms - thank you,God) made it easier.
And congratulations to all of those who left comments. I know MANY people, normal, everyday people who are taking or have taken medication for a mental illness. We are not alone.
I will send up a prayer for all!

Heather, you are amazing. I am nine months pregnant and made the difficult decision to stay on 40 mg of Celexa through my pregnancy. I'm hoping my baby suffers no ill effects, but I've gone off my meds twice and it hasn't been pretty. You need to take care of yourself. I too suffer from chronic anxiety, which leads to depression; I too will never be without the pill bottle, and I have made my peace with it. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so honest and dignified about such a difficult -- and such a common -- problem.

Thank you so much for writing this. I've only been reading your blog for about a year now, but you seem like such a remarkable person. This reaffirms my belief.

I've suffered with depression and anxiety since I was ten, PTSD at least since I was eighteen. I've been on antidepressants since I was eleven. I will never stop taking them because I know that I am not myself when I do. I'm not perfectly happy when I'm medicated, but I can get out of bed and I don't feel like dying, and the happiness I make on my own.

I have a chemical imbalance, and I'm not ashamed of it. No one should be.

Thank you. Depression is a f@cker. Your candor might just be the light that someone needs to get them to that next step. Hugs to you.

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absolutely, exactly, a-freaking-men

i feel lucky that my anxiety issues are food allergy related (yes, it happens and people still ask me to 'get over it', that it can't possibly be!).

you're an amazing human, heather b. armstrong!

This is the exact reason I continue to read your blog (apart from the witty sarcasm and general good sense of dark humor). Your honesty and courage to face something that seemed shameful at one point and is simply a matter of fixing a part encourages us all. And yes, you have helped others. I hear it often.

Having gone through one of the hardest and most confusing years of my life in 2007, I am now in therapy and last week the doctor told me I had PTSD and that I should consider Lithium as a mood stabilizer as I work through this mess with her.

I told her I'd think about it and when I left there, I was completely against it. I'm so afraid that I will have to rely on drugs to run my brain for the rest of life. I know nobody can possibly help me make that decision based on these few sentences.

It's not the stigma, it's the fear that I will mess up my brain even more by relying on a foreign substance. I'm terrified. I plan on telling her my fears when I see her again next month.

Thank you for putting this so plainly and with such passion.

After my first child, very closely followed by a miscarriage, I had extreme postpartum depression. I rarely left the house, and if I did I wore my p.j.s. I "got over it," about a year later, but never really fully recovered. Fast forward 2 more years, and I found out I was pregnant again. From the first moment of that test being positive I was basically suicidal. I talked to my doctor about it and she gave me Zoloft. It was a bit controversial to take it while I was pregnant, but I took it religiously and made it through a very happy and healthy pregnancy alive. My husband and older child made it to. Zoloft was my miracle pill, and I'll sing it from the mountain tops. No one should have to suffer through what I went through.

erm....hello?
Why didn't I read something like this a few months ago and gotten myself on the meds I so clearly need?
I tried prozac a number of years back but it gave me palpitations and to be honest, I wasn't accepting that I needed help. It was a matter of course I went to the doctors to heed the advice of my better half. I thought the doctor would just give me some mild relaxants let alone prozac - oh, the shame!
I think half the battle of dealing with depression is accepting you have depression and today I have accepted it. God, how depressing! Its taken me 7 years to realize that!
Anyhoo Heather, thanks for such an inspiring piece of your heart. You made me see clearly today and probably for the rest of this very dark time in my life.
Cheers!

flattery in the best form:

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Been reading your site for ... oh... 6 years or so now.

I recently went back on my drugs because I was afraid I would lose my kids. (It was that bad)

I didnt want to go back on em because the last drug I took (Celexa) didnt help much. I figured I'd just work through it. (Going through a divorce here) But a year later and I'm still stuggling much as ever with sleeping too much, then sleeping not enough, and forgettign to eat (I lost 30 lbs in 2 weeks because I forgot I was hungry).... finally the implied threat from the school social worker about my kids being removed from my care and I went back to my doctor. I WILL NEVER GIVE MY KIDS UP.

Now, I'm happy and on Effexor. Depression took my marriage, it took my car, it stole whole months of my life (I cant' remember what happened between thanksgiving 2006 and July 2007 - it's just not there) and it very nearly took my life. Now, I'm still losing my marriage, and I might still lose my house, (Not only did I forget to eat, but I forgot to pay bills) but I am ALIVE, I still have my children, and I can LAUGH again.

I can't say enough about the benefits of "happy pills". I've bounced on/off em for years because I knew I needed em but didn't want the stigma.

After this last round - I decided who the hell cares about stigma. I want my life back and if the pills help me keep it, so be it.