Daydreaming of palm trees
Tuesday, January 15 2008
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So I hop into the shower at about 6 PM last night in preparation for dinner guests who would be over in less than a half hour. That's my way of showing people I really care about them, taking the time to bathe — well, that's one way. If you show up to my house and one, my hair is washed or two, I make fun of the way you say "concrete," then you can pretty much assume that I'd give you a kidney if you really needed one.
Jon is upstairs on Leta duty, and when I step out of the shower I find Coco pacing the hallway with a bone in her mouth. I rightly assume that she needs to be let outside, and not wanting to interfere with the wrangling Jon is having to do upstairs I walk to the backdoor, open it quickly, and nudge the puppy into the backyard. A blast of icy air rushes inside, and the water that is beading on my naked body freezes instantly. I briefly consider what it would be like to move back to Southern California where it is currently 70 degrees, the kinds and quantities of illegal drugs we'd have to sell in order to pay the mortgage, how it would be worth it if we got caught and had to serve time in a prison near the ocean.
As I turn to head back to the bathroom I see Coco out of the corner of my eye, and she is hunched over in a ball at the far end of the yard, and she is eating a pile of her own feces. And as you might imagine, this is totally unacceptable, so unacceptable, in fact, that I am forced to open the door again and yell a slew of very hurtful things that I am not at all proud of. No dog is going to come running if you're projecting that kind of angry energy, I know this, but I'm naked and freezing and my dog is eating poop with the same mouth that she licks my face, YOU CAN FORGIVE ME IF I'M A LITTLE FRAZZLED.
So I grab Jon's winter coat and slip into his size-13 leather clogs (ACK! I can't even type that word without contracting a yeast infection! the burning!), both sitting by the door for the times we have to let the dog outside during the night. And I head out in these two items of clothing to interject some sense of decorum into the world. But when she sees my naked, skinny chicken legs plodding along toward her with the giant clogs poking out on my feet like two awkward, malignant tumors, she goes berserk and starts running circles around the yard. Because she is a demon and hates Baby Jesus.
I should head straight back into the house, but somehow that makes me feel like I'm admitting defeat, and I will not be defeated by a seven-pound SHIT-EATING CRITTER, so I start chasing her. In Jon's clogs. My naked butt barely covered by the bottom of his coat.
I don't know what this scene looks like from the outside, surely insane, a tad bit confusing. The wet hair on my head is freezing into icicles against my ears, and every time I lean down and try to grab Coco the coat flies open and I'm flashing my boobs to the audience of squirrels in the pine trees.
This goes on for ten minutes until she runs to the back door upstairs. Thinking I can intercept her I run in the backdoor downstairs, fly up to the top floor, pass Jon and Leta who are sitting on the couch playing Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii when Leta sees me and starts screaming, "DADDY IS MAKING ME CRY!" Because apparently she made all his Star Bits go away? And these Star Bits are very important? And I guess he takes his Star Bits very seriously? And they must be important OR ELSE WHY WOULD HE YELL AT HIS THREE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF STAR BITS? Jon Armstrong, sometimes you make my brain bleed.
This situation can wait thirty seconds while I retrieve my soon-to-be-roasted-alive puppy, although this doesn't stop Jon from going on about how hard he worked for those Star Bits, there were almost 300 of them, and because Leta pressed the wrong button THEY'RE ALL GONE, but I can't mediate because Coco is just sitting there at the back door, her tail vigorously wagging, like, HI! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, WE SHOULD CATCH UP! As if that whole naked romp through the snow DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
So I swing the door open, grab her before she has a chance to get away, and then walk back into the living room where Leta is still crying and Jon is actively acquiring more Star Bits. And I'm standing there with my parts peeking out the front of this giant coat, a snow-covered puppy wriggling violently in my arms, her poop-scented tongue licking my forehead. Sometimes life is such that it's too much to ask for them all to sit still so that I can take ten seconds and put on a pair of panties.
1. Wendy said:
Well, look on the bright side! At least you didn't get locked out with only a poop-eating dog to keep you company!
2. Amy said:
It would've been even better had your dinner guests arrived a little early.
3. Kate said:
So, did you scrub Coco's mouth out...what do you do when your dog eats a bunch of crap? Seriously, I need to know. Caesar never covered that on the Dog Whisperer.
4. Molly said:
We have a big Newfoundland that hates to come inside especially if there's snow. Most recently I flashed my naked ass at the entire street as I bent over to try and pull him in my his collar.
Sigh.
5. Somedayme2 said:
OMG! and you just got over being sick...honestly, that was my first thought!
Then I started laughing so hard I fell off my chair at work! Now my internet activity is going to be monitored...so worth it!
6. Betsy said:
I know your life is quite often crazy, but reading that makes me jealous of all that you do have. The craziness AND the love.
7. natalie said:
that basically sounds like my new pup elliott - minus the snow. and the feces? not her own - but instead that of the cat completely covered in cat litter. awesome.
8. jwhite222 said:
Amazing post! I love it....can't believe that all actually happened to you hehe! The part about the star bits was classic! I would love to hear Chuck's take on all of the events.
9. dre said:
Would have paid money to witness that crazy scene - LOL! :)
10. Sister Sassy said:
At least she didn't lick your mouth! Yikes!! Why do dogs do that?
11. Billie Keaton said:
I'm with Amy! If I ever am lucky enough to get invited to your house for dinner, I am arriving early...just in case....maybe I'll see something like Heather's naughty bits or screaming 3 year olds with their Star Bits falling out of their hands and poopy dogs. Now THAT'S a dinner!
LOVE your site!!
Billie
12. Jenni has her head in the clouds said:
I kept waiting for the early dinner guests too.
Yes, I want you to be tortured more for my entertainment please ;)
13. Sister Honey Bunch said:
I'm sorry but that whole chaotic episode would have required me to take another shower. And drink a bottle of wine. And then go to bed.
15. Tiff said:
Oh the star bits. They ARE so very important! How is Mario ever going to save the galaxy if he can't feed the star people their bits?!
I hope you don't get sick again or get pink eye for that matter!
14. Elizabeth said:
freakin hilarious! if someone did not laugh at that, they must not be human! I think we have all had moments like that in life... "universe, please let me get decent before you attack me!"
oh, also please bring back the segment where you make fun of hate mail... thats when i fell in love with dooce!
thanks,
Elizabeth
16. Amy S said:
Your writing is genius, your life is priceless. Thank you for what you do and the way you do it.
17. Melissa said:
My dog used to eat poop, especially kitty turds, when she was a puppy, and probably still would if I didn't have the litter box stashed on a table that she can't reach. Supposedly, when dogs eat crap, it's because they're not getting enough nutrients, which easily happens when the dog is a puppy who is doubling in size every other day. If you're worried about the habit continuing, try either feeding her more or switching foods. Or just make her so scared of her own poop that the moment it leaves her butt she tries to flee from it as fast as possible as if it might rear up and eat HER!
18. Denise said:
I used to have a dog that like to eat the poop out of the cat box. We called it Almond Roca. Mmmmm.
19. Jennine said:
One should never, ever mock the star bit acquisition. Jon was so totally feeling glitter surge through his veins.
20. Kelly said:
I sure hope you have a privacy fence!
Sadly, I too was awaiting the early arrival of your dinner guests. We all watch too much TV.
21. Chris said:
Crap eating dogs in Southern California are just as frustrating but you can get a tan while flashing your bits about.
22. ninjanun said:
Best Poop-eating Doggie/Naked-Woman-in-the-Snow Chase Scene Description EVER.
23. Debi said:
Amen sister.
24. The Green Panther said:
Are you a clog-hater?? Or just hate the word?
I have conflicting and extremely shallow feelings about clogs, so this blog alone may make or break me on the issue.
Pronouncing "clog" makes my tongue roll up. And gives me visions of hairballs in sinks.
25. Shelly said:
Oh, how I chuckle at the thought....and get grossed out by the poopy tongue. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from,though..........our dogs eat the remains in the cat box...YUMMM--tastes like FISH!!!....oh the HORROR. To see my sweet doggie coming at me with KITTY LITTER on his face..........I can TOTALLY relate. Although, I'd let the dog eat the doo while I got dressed, THEN brush her teeth, and not allow any doggie kisses for the night.......(BTW, we have taken our unused baby gate and blocked the kitty poo)
My niece once ate human poo from a toilet.........so, not sure which is worse.....dog eating it's own feces, or child eating UNCLE'S? You decide.
26. Autumn said:
I have to agree,as mom to 3 under ten (four if you count the man sized child called "husband"), that it is too much for them to cooperate,LOL, and I sometimes wonder if I will ever be naked, semi-naked, etc., without an ever growing audience again!
27. Lisa B said:
The squirrels have written in to suggest that perhaps it's time to leave a pair of Heather-sized shoes at the door. And a longer coat.
28. Renée said:
Mmmmm....poopy breath, boobies and smelly clogs. All things that make me smile.
29. Chuck said:
Move to the Dirty South like we did (originally from San Jose/Bay Area - now in Mississippi). All the warmth of Californai and none of the cost. Of course you get mosquitos, humidity, southerners and whatnot but you can run around nekkid, chasing your poop-eating dog in the backyard and no one will think much beyond "what's kinda hunting you trainin' that puppy fer?".
30. Ms.Karen said:
Ah, so THAT'S how I need to deal with my hotflashes. I need a puppy to chase around the yard while naked, because just running around the yard naked is simply not allowed.
Too funny...
31. Crivens said:
I agree - great chase scene. I know nothing about the star bits - I just whine if I can't figure out all the words on TextTwist. Anything else is beyond me.
We order a lot of our dog stuff from Doctors Foster & Smith, and they have some supplements you can feed your dog to make its poop taste gross to break the poop-eating cycle. Sadly, however, they do not have anything that stops your dog from eating and rolling in goose poop, which is our problem. Tres ick.
32. LindserAnnie said:
That was delightful...as always. Thanks for sharing the craziness.
33. Laura said:
What a funny and wonderfully written, albeit uncomfortable story. I always love to read other people's craziness so that I know my life is normal.
Amazing how things can stand still with your children and husband while you are trying to solve another crisis...
34. Wiggles said:
My mini-aussie luckily has never eaten dog poop but likes to eat sheep and goose poop while in the middle of herding them (the animals, not the poop). He always makes sure to give kisses after his gourmet meals and typically slips his "victim" the tongue too!
35. Twice Five Miles said:
My dog eats poop too. His own, other dogs', pretty much any poop is fair game. Why do they DO that?
If you ever figure out how to make her stop, please let me know!
36. Lisa said:
My dog is 11 years old and we have never been able to break her of the poopsicle habit. She only eats frozen poop so thats really only 11 out of 12 months here in PA......The only thing we have found that works is picking it up as soon as they drop it!
The visuals on that story will keep me laughing all day!
37. Brian said:
... all that said, I might have expected a more exciting daily photo ;-)
38. Robin said:
I'm sure the Internets will yell at me for what I'm about to suggest, but here goes: my Mum's dog was a little shit eater too. Her vet suggested sprinkling her food with a bit of Accent (which is essentially MSG) and that put her right off of it. Something to consider if the issue persists.
39. Jenny said:
Ha!! That is the kind of story that keeps me coming back to your site for more. That totally made me giggle! Thanks for the hilarous visual & the great writing! :)
40. Anonymous said:
Nothing to add but that I had a seriously stressful (icy!!!!!) drive in to work today, so also vorasciously (???) dream of moving back to SoCal, and want to say thank you for making me laugh. You've done my heart rate a tremedous amount of good. Cause it's all about me, eh?
41. Sara said:
My pup only eats cat poo...though now that I'm preggo and have to worry about things like toxoplamosis, HUBBY is the one who has to chase the poo-eating furball around the yard!
42. Terra said:
Our golden retriever is very, very, frightened of her own poop, or any other poop, for that matter. Always been that way through no intervention of my own.
With the exception of Canada goose poop. When she was a puppy, I had to use all of my body weight to wrestle her away from it when we lived in Ontario, which is lousy with freaking geese.
Good luck with little miss turd breath.
43. Connie said:
Maybe it's a sign? A sign that you need to start feeding Coco some dog poop. Chuck's poop preferably. It'll save you money and will prevent future occurrences of you running naked through the harsh winter snow in Utah.
44. TLC in MN said:
Yes, I should get back to work, but I can't help but hit the refresh key every few seconds to see how many comments there are now - 37....how many now - 38...how many now - 39...insane, I know.
Love your site! and my husband and friends are probably tired of hearing about you second-hand.
Thanks.
45. DeeAnne said:
Oh my.... That was funny. At least during said chase, Chuck didn't swing the door closed while pressing the latch button in.... Not that THAT would ever actually happen to ANYONE.
46. Jaxon said:
Why do dogs DO THAT? My daughter and I were out for a walk one evening and we saw a full grown Chow chomping down on poo in his yard. We ran home screaming and completely traumatized. I didn't realize poop eating dogs were so widespread until reading your story and commments. We just thought that particular Chow was deranged. What do you expect from a dog with a purple tongue?
However, baby elephants routinely eat adult elephant poop for many months. It gives them all kinds of protections and immunities and they would die if they didn't do it. But for what possible reason would dogs eat litter covered cat poop? Ack, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I totally COULD NOT live with a dog who did that. Really could not. But the almond roca line was funny. The visual? Not so much.
47. Heather said:
There are pills you can buy at pet stores, and I know this because I've bought them for my little poop eater, that you feed your dog to make their poop bitter and they won't eat it.
48. Liz said:
Jon--I say get the Star Bits while you can. Even if you have to make your kid cry. Some days, especially if you have to make her cry.
Liz
49. aisha said:
Wow. Just... wow.
If they had given you ten seconds to put your panties on, they would not be family.
50. kri said:
can't. stop. laughing.
51. gypsy said:
Well there's your problem. Stop wearing panties. I did, years ago, and now my life is perfect.
53. Catherine said:
Given your highly unexpected and incorrect pronunciation of the word ''crayon" I am terrified of how you would say ''concrete." :)
54. Anonymous said:
Thanks. You've totally cured me of ANY inclination I ever had to own a dog ever again. I'm so traumatized.
55. Cindy said:
I laughed so hard I think I peed a little. Laugh out loud funny. I LOVE your blog.
56. Anonymous said:
Honk shu. Who give's a rats ass? You mean that if you lived somewhere people want to live, as opposed to somewhere filled with religious fundamentalists, you would have to get a real job? Wow, you are so shocking - for 1950.
57. bipolarbear said:
That's why I love my cats. They BURY their shit.
58. Leesavee said:
Sometimes a girl just wants a warm snack!
That Coco is a self-contained unit. She's clearly an environmentalist...she's creating a renewable energy source!
However, ICK! My dachshund used to do that. Nothing worse than poop breath. Thank you so much for the fabulously funny story; you nearly made me wet my pants.
60. Brittany said:
I must say this is the funnest thing I have read in a while. It made me smile at the thought.
I'm sitting here in South Carolina, and today it's cold (for us) at 50 degrees, but last week- it was in the 70's. I love it. However, it still gets too cold for me in the winter, and I would love to move where it is never cold. I can't imagine being where you are.joey
61. Julie said:
My daughter says crayon the exact way Heather does, and we don't even know Heather, nor do we live in Utah. The concrete thing has me quite curious....
62. Meghan said:
Oh...my...god...
I'm grateful to know that this has happened to someone else besides me with their dog. Thank you for helping make sense of my life and my dog.
63. Elissa said:
Well at least you know it didn't make the tabloids. Cause you know, if that happened in LA, you'd be in the tabloids.
65. Marsha said:
I needed the laugh today! Shit eating dogs and frozen boobs will do it every time!
66. Karen Sugarpants said:
I was fully expecting your guests to be in the livingroom. Whew!
64. Anonymous said:
The coup de grace being a cold puppy nose poking your butt when you finally calm down? :^) This is a funny post indeed.
Life wears size 13 clogs when it of kicks the ass of modesty and sense of grace, huh?
67. Kathryn said:
replace Coco with Maggie my golden retriever, poo with dead and infested salmon (that I am highly allergic to), dinner guests with 15 family members and your husband and daughter with my sister's now (thank GOD) ex cruising lava life oblivious to the chaos, and what you have described is pretty much my Christmas Eve 4 years ago - frozen hair, exposed body bits and all
fun times!
68. Tracibeth said:
Crating dogs cruel, but stopping them from eating their own feces is intolerable. Dogs are people, too, and people have the right to choose what they want to eat.
69. HMFT said:
I always told myself that I would comment if I was in the top 100 commenters. Now I am indeed in the top 100, and DAMMIT I have nothing witty or smart to add.
I will digress, however, and say that Bippity Boppity Bacon is oh-so-wonderful. I shared with anyone who came near the computer, and all have laughed. Heartily.
Do check out Jim's take on Hot Pockets.
"hahtttt pahcketttsss..."
70. Christine said:
If it's any consolation, I can totally relate...
71. Courtney said:
This is the most hilarious post I have read in quite some time.
72. Strangeite said:
Star bits are VERY important. The sooner she learns that lesson the better
73. Jennifer said:
I feel so guilty laughing, but I just can't help it. But I have to know, Did your guests enjoy the puppy fricassee you served them? And what is the right wine to serve with poop-eating dog?
74. TheMadVixen said:
So I say to my boy, "You have to go read Dooce today."
"Funny?"
"It's right up there with Leta pooping out her pants and Chuck trying to eat it."
75. Anonymous said:
Our vet told us that sprinkling meat tenderizer on their kibbles will stop them from eating their poo.
76. Erin Nemastil said:
So... Umm... How come that didn't make it into the Daily Photo?
77. Amanda said:
"I should head straight back into the house, but somehow that makes me feel like I'm admitting defeat, and I will not be defeated by a seven-pound SHIT-EATING CRITTER..."
So ... you were having one of those days that YOU JUST HAVE TO WIN. That's OK. :)
Your blog makes me happy - thanks so much for sharing the little quirks of your life that so many people work hard to hide ... You're the best.
78. Mother Earth said:
I am new to dog ownership and one year ago acquired a very mixed up siberian husky, new into the game we had a crate incident where upon opening the gate - she looked straight at me and then ate a mountain of it, I thought i was going to die
i swear it was like she did it on purpose
seemingly a one time incident
i also write "it's a dog eat dog world" stories
at my blog best of mother earth
your daughters eyelashes are inspiring, and i wish 20 years ago that I had access to my voice and all the wonderings expressed so wonderfully here
Mother Earth aka Karen Hanrahan
79. CollyP said:
Ugh....I have soooo been there,sister. You made me laugh out loud with that one.
80. Laura said:
I love this post. My puppy does the same thing! He loves to eat his own poop - almost more than his dinner. And like clockwork, immediately afterwards he gives me a big kiss on the face.
How do you teach them not to do that? If you find the answer please let us know!
81. Jennifer said:
I cannot tell you how hard this story made me laugh. Especially the line "every time I lean down and try to grab Coco the coat flies open and I'm flashing my boobs to the audience of squirrels in the pine trees."
I can't believe you don't have your own sitcom. I would watch it every frigging time it was on, without fail.
82. Michele said:
Funniest damn thing I've read/heard all day.
I had a dog that partook in the "feces-eating" festivities also - my vet told me there was a pill to make their feces taste bad... My reaction was - "Bad?! It's shit. Doesn't it already taste bad?! I have to make it taste worse?!" He laughed for ten minutes.
83. Cornelia said:
Are you trying to kill us all with laughter?? I would have paid serious money to have witnessed all of that! You could write abook with all of your stories.
84. dawn said:
Oh, how much I absolutely love you. I am laughing hilariously as someone who has also been forced outside sans clothing for dog related reasons, usually in the middle of the night while my darling hubby sleeps unawares.
Thank you so much for the humor. I will laugh for while with that one.
85. Quixotic said:
Maybe try pineapple chunks added to Coco's food - I haven't personally tried it, but it is meant to help dissuade them from indulging in coprophagia. Tomato juice added to the food also helps stop a bitch's urine from killing off the grass on your lawn - I have tried that one. :)
Hilarious post by the way. Great image! ;)
86. Anonymous said:
and the youtube video of this is where?!
87. Amy said:
THIS is the reason I check dooce.com multiple times a day for updates.
88. April said:
You notice Chuck does not appear in this story. Because he's fake.
89. Kirsten said:
We have our 3 and a half year old daughter collecting star bits while we play too. Luckily, she has never emptied all the star bits at the wrong time, at least not yet. I'm sure it is bound to happen eventually. :-)
90. Lonna said:
Fortunately, I do not have a dog that eats its own feces. I have cats who are a whole different ball game. But I wanted to say that my son is exactly 1 week younger than Leta, and we have the exact same father-child "discussions" about star bits at our house. I thought that I had the only nutso three year old who was hooked on the WII. Whatever you do avoid the Lego Star Wars Complete Saga for WII. It has totally taken over my house!
91. manda said:
This was fantastic! My old dog LOVED eating her poop. It was so awful. My new dog Charlie is absolutely repulsed by her poop. If we are in the backyard playing fetch and her ball lands by her poop, she gets this look on her face that just screams, "CONTAMINATED!" But I think all dogs enjoy the occasional cat poop.
92. Captain said:
Just when it couldn't get worse the poop-stained tongue licked you.
I'm terribly worried that you have pneumonia. Thankfully that isn't yet the punchline.
93. Sarcomical said:
ha! well, i CAN tell you that those star bits are quite important, at least that's what my husband says when he's frantically waving the other wii wand at the television.
on a side note, my sympathies over the dog poop-eating dog. except, in my case, it was THREE dogs over a period of 5 years in puppy succession, with CAT CRAP BREATH.
...dogs.
94. WillThink4Wine said:
She's coo-coo for Coco Puffs ;-)
Just got my new Chuckles 2008... awesome!!
95. curly su said:
Okay, so I was just studying for a horrible history exam and am SO glad I stopped to read your blog. You made me laugh when I was about to scream.
Oh, and my dad used to make me cry when we played Monopoly. Slightly different situation, but same concept...
96. Kelly said:
LOL!!!!!!!
*so* needed that today....thank you for sharing! :)
97. Kate said:
What does "Honk Shu" mean? The mind reels.....
98. Melanie said:
I used to own a dog that, every time my husband had a cold, would chase after what he coughed up and spit into the backyard.
I used to think I was a dog person, until I saw the absolute joy with which she romped after my husband's... effluvia.
We won't even talk about how funny he found the whole thing, including my retching and hollering at him to "Do that in the bathroom, ferchrissakes!"
99. sue said:
You do have a way with words, I can just picture it! Sorry for the stress, but thanks for the laugh!
100. kim said:
ROFLMFAO...my dog eats other dogs shit...classy.
101. Cursingmama said:
You wore the clogs?
102. Mommy_of_Madi said:
This story is really all about BITS isn't it? Killer story!
103. eka said:
Thanks for a tuesday laugh. It's ok if your dog eats poop, honestly she sniffs the butts of other dogs with that nose so it's not a big step down to poop eating.
104. kim said:
your invites are gorgeous, that shot of the two dogs in the snow with the mountains in the back ground is amazing...and Leta has lashes to die for.
105. Becky said:
A post such as this is precisely why I read dooce...to find comfort in the fact I am not the only one who finds themselves in crazy predicaments involving nudity, swearing, poop, dogs, husbands, and small children. Thanks for the dose of reality.
106. Anonymous said:
When we lived in NYC, we got used to our dog trying to eat horse poop, etc., but the day he ate homeless person poop was just...UGH. My husband reached in his mouth to pull it out before he realized what it was and - ew, ew, EW - we could NOT get rid of the smell. We're planning on getting another dog soon and just remembering that day may have delayed the process by another few months!
107. Christina said:
I can't stop laughing! I'm going to be in trouble because my cubicle is not sound proof and I am laughing/snorting very loudly.
108. Lauri said:
BEST.
POST.
EVER.
I love it. But I, too, was waiting for the dinner guests to arrive to 1) see your lovely dinner dress and 2) settle the Mario Galaxy dispute between Jon and Leta. LOL!
109. Stellare said:
Yeah, I see the problem...
110. Anonymous said:
Yeah, this was a pretty good post but you'll have to go a bit to beat the first one of yours I read which was the one about you and "Clogsquatch" farting in harmony at the fitness center.
I would advise caution using MSG on the dog poop though. Neighbors may wonder why you are tenderizing it for the dog.
We had many dogs and found that in winter the best pooper scooper was a 9 iron. Just undercut that bad boy and chip it over the fence where the dog can't get to it. Bishops
111. Anu said:
Holy Shit! I just fell over laughing :-) I'm sorry but that as just too funny. Hope you didn't catch a cold after all the 'crap' you put up with.
112. Mel said:
I needed a good laugh. Thank you! :)
I hope your feet are safe.
113. Meghan said:
With the week I am having, I really needed the good laugh this gave me. Thank you.
p.s. This also reminds me how THANKFUL I am that our pup is now a year and a half. Memory is so forgiving.
114. Jeff said:
John, here's a tip:
Get a Classic Controller that can attach to the Wiimote. Let Leta play with that and have her shake it when it's time for you to do some shaking with the Wiimote (like traveling through the star warp things or whatever). She'll NEVER touch your controller again. I've got a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old and a controller for each of them and that's what they use when I play.
115. Jen said:
Omg, what a scene! Sorry for the stressing but it's also hilarious at the same time :-) The crap-eating dog scenario happened to my mom more than a decade ago, but yours is more funny because Mom was at least dressed.
116. Heather said:
Ok, I know everyone hates Crocs, but mine are MEDICALLY recommended! I had some crazy cancer surgeries on my tibia, down by my ankle and now my left foot swells up to crazy sizes, and Crocs are the only shoes that will fit that foot. Surely my fat cancer foot qualifies me for a free shitty clog pass! Until I can find a better pair of shoes that will fit my giant foot as well as plastic clogs do, I say fie.
117. Charlotte said:
You really ARE living the dream.
Apparently when dogs eat their own feces, it's because they eat too quickly and the food doesn't totally digest... therefore it still smells (and tastes) like fresh food to them. So maybe you could feed her more often, but less at each time? Just a thought.
Of course, she could just be a crazy, shit-eating dog. It's hard to say.
Also... do you think that people who do competitive eating have this issue?
118. Sharon said:
Oh My God! We're on our third dog that does that!! So instead of just letting her out, we have to go out and wait for her to go and then clean it up immediately. It is the worst. The children don't even need that much supervision! We've tried MSG, tabasco sauce, some horrible spray that is used to get dogs to stop chewing the furniture and I think it was just enhancement for the poop. Makes me crazy.
119. Polly said:
hello from los angeles. yes, i made the mistake of putting on a long sleeved shirt this morning. by the time i came home from running errands with the windows rolled down and music blasting (tori amos, it was that kind of day), the sweat had pooled under my arms, darkening the green of my shirt in little ovals. and although my husband and i are about to buried by our mortgage - we are indeed very warm.
120. Shannon said:
Awesome.
121. red said:
hilarious. thanks for the afternoon giggle...
122. Peg said:
I can't believe you wore the clogs.
123. 529 said:
I say you should have let Coco lick Jon's face to console him over his lost Star Bits.
124. Mandy said:
Poop eating is all too common with a dominant female so watch out - there will be other issues - and I've never been able to completely break a dog that has this nasty habit...
A vet told me about this powder once and said, "Put this on her food and it will make her poop taste bad." Really? It's not bad enough as is?
What was Chuck doing? Can't he hold down the fort for you?
125. jess said:
duuuuuude. LMAO.
this is life at my house. honestly, i'm just grateful to hear that my dog, the shih tzu (should be spelled shit zoo), isn't the ONLY dog who eats her own shit like it's dinner.
our boxer also eats poo, but never her own. she prefers the chicken poo, but enjoys a tasty snack of cat turds every now and then. yum.
126. Mary said:
LAUGHING MY ASS OFF OUT LOUD AT WORK...getting strange looks from my boss!
127. Melissa said:
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one that has crazy shit like that happen. Did Coco get to gargle with some Scope or did you give her a little brusha brusha?
128. kristin said:
i haven't even finished reading - - too funny - - tears in my eyes - - still thinking of the 'glitter in your veins' - - and i can't believe you wore the clogs!
129. dewi said:
Dogs that eat their poop are either bored, or have a vitamin deficiency.
Coco does not sound bored!
130. Lue said:
Two very good reasons why I do not have children or pets. I hope there's enough bourbon around for you to recover sufficiently. :-)
131. wendy said:
My puppy is a shit-eater too. Except it was my four years, left in the potty chair, and evidently too delicious to leave. I gagged, and my kid laughed. Why? Does Cesar know the answer to this?
132. alivicwil said:
I know it's counter-intuitive, but if you're trying to catch your dog, running away from her is supposed to cause her to chase you... right into the house.
Thankfully, I've never seen my dogs eat poop. Vomit? Well that's a whole 'nother story.
133. Kathy said:
That's too funny. (And I'm kind of glad my only example of animal picas comes courtesy of a friend: "Um gross. A cat just threw up and the dog is eating it.")
134. Debbie said:
Oh, Heather and this is just the beginning! I have a McNab, which is a variation of a Border Collie. Belle is 10 years old and still has boundless energy in terms of sheer never wanting to stop! So when it comes to these herding type of dogs, it is a huge challenge to give them enough exercise and activities to keep them happy. Belle and I have gone through Agility and Flyball and every other type of dog sport out there. If I had been the athlete that she is -- and I'm just the opposite -- and not have to work full time, we would have made quite the team; but since I'm not, she's had to settle for tennis ball and frisbee for hours on end every single day for the last 9 years and 10 months. Good luck with your little monster herder!
135. HMFT said:
I just thought of you and Jon's clogs.
Nab yourself a pair of these:
http://www.cicciabella.com/home/
I trudge outside in mine all the time. Well, not through mud and tons of snow. But an inch or two of snow.
136. J. D. said:
I so understand Britney Spears better now, gettin' snapped without her panties.
137. Roberto Boone said:
Not the Star Bits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know how Jon feels. It takes a long time to aquire those bitches and they can be wasted away so quickly!
138. Heidi said:
Wow! That was hysterical.
139. laura said:
Man, I wish your neighbors had a blog...I'd love to hear this story from their perspective!!! :)
140. Krissa said:
Heather, Heather, Heather...I am going to suggest you get away for a while. Dare I say it? Southern California is a good vacation spot...
141. Nytro said:
oh. my. god. becky.
that sounds pretty much like the time i chased a rat out of my house in the snow... fresh out of a shower... no shoes... just a bathrobe.
minus the feces.
142. Sarah Burbridge said:
Oh my gosh. I laughed till it hurt. I have a 9 month old fox hound who has been the most challenging dog I have ever had. She is also the smartest, but she uses her intellect for EVIL!! Thank you sooooo much. It is nice to know I am not the only one who has been bested in the backyard by a puppy.
143. Eater's Regret said:
Aww poor Dooce, I really sympathise. So many times I have donned the overcoat to do some dog wrangling - can be extremely drafty! Recently I heard my dogs barking outside and a man shouting - so I ran outside without thinking (to protect them from some crazy bastard of course) - I was in my teeny pink Winnie the pooh nightdress and no shoes. Did I mention it was raining and the man was my neighbour!
144. Rane said:
My pup "ate the poop" as well and I found out that this habit is pretty common and known as coprophagia. Our vet suggested tablets that we bought at PetSmart and they definitely work. You put a tablet(s) in with the puppy's food once a day. Ours stopped the disgusting habit within a few days. How do I know she stopped........unless she's having friends over to group poop while we're at work, she's leaving it all for me to pick-up.
145. Almost Vegetarian said:
Our new puppy, Sophie, has yet to eat poop, but she has rolled in some very tall grass once or twice and looked suspicious pleased with her little self.
You mean it gets worse?
Oh dear!
146. Peeved Michelle said:
Last night, I left my office in Santa Monica and headed home, north on PCH. It was the time of evening, immediately after sunset when the sky is quickly darkening from a brilliant orange-pink. I stopped at the light for the Palisades and looked at the palm trees silhouetted black against the gleaming, phosphorescent ocean and wished I was in Hawaii where the water would have been warm and I could have taken a dip before heading home. The grass is always greener, sister.
147. Lisa Marie said:
dude! both my dogs eat poop too.
148. AnaBeans Mama said:
This is why I am so lovingly addicted to this blog. You and your family make my soul happy. My puppy also eats poop and also runs in circles when I scream, horrified at him...good to know I am not alone.
149. jill said:
this is possible one of the greatest stories you have ever posted.
150. Anonymous said:
She is going to teach Chuck to eat poop, too. I had one dog who liked "kitty crunchies" and one who liked to eat his own poop. Soon both dogs were eating both disgusting things. They aren't smart enough to know not to do it but they are smart enough to pick up on one another's bad habits.
151. Uncle Beefy said:
Well, Heather...I'm still struggling a bit to create a visual on this due to your overwhelming lack of description. ;) Holy Poo Balls....that's HI-larious!
Oh, and just so you know. Wearing panties is overrated. At least my therapist said so. Eh...what does he know?
152. Jodie said:
Coco had to develop at least one bad habit. Try keeping some slip-on shoes for yourself and a longer coat by the back door. Your landscape looks absolutely dreamy, but I would prefer just to look the photos and not be in the cold. That's why I've stayed in Texas... for the warm weather and cost of living.
153. HouseofJules said:
I swear, if some of the starlets that are in the news these days would simply come forward with a description of their day that made 1/2 as much sense as this well-put-together post did, I bet most everyone would stop being so judgmental!
Jules
154. Andrea said:
Don't worry. You aren't the only one with a poop eating, dog! I love my lab more than ever, but oh my goodness - he sure can be a pig! One day he was out on his chain (we don't have the benefit of having a fenced in yard) looking quite interested in one particular mountain of snow. Next thing you know, he has this huge log hanging out of his mouth, much like a cigar. He isn't quite as bad during the summer (we live in Minnesota). Must be something about those frozen ones that is irresistable! Oh, and he leaves other dog's goodies alone - he prefers his own. Nasty!
155. Pretty Lush said:
Girl, you need a reality show.
156. Lilith Sativa said:
This reminds me of the year my husband and I lived with my best friend and her little boy. We had three dogs and so did she, yes I know 6 dogs one house what were thinking?? Oh yes and five cats and a six year old little boy. Complete madness!!
Well one of her dogs would eat any shit it came across, his, the other dogs, the cats. Now once he did eat said shit, he would then come into the house laying about, while his stomach fermented. Occasionally, the episode would start with farting sort of a warning. But normally ( and usually within about twenty minutes of coming in from being outside ) he would becoming immediately and violently ill. Projectile vomiting and or diarrhea. Took only a few times of this happening, for us to learn he goes out on a leash and by himself.
157. Le Fiffre said:
You are in fine form and at the top of your game. (And I don't mean out there in the yard.)
You'll live to be ninety, be the first to win some major high-brow prize for blogging, and write pithy glory until the end. You'll probably have your own obit penned by then, and your headstone designed, as well.
Your New Year's invitation was outa sight.
158. Erin said:
I was so sure the guests were going to arrive! Thanks for another great laugh. I miss the days when you always had time for these outrageous & lengthy posts.
159. Lyndsey said:
Oh, the visual!! Your experiences always make me laugh. Maybe you succeeded in frightening those pesky squirrels away for good. And yes, it is quite delightful down here in Southern California.
160. Debbie said:
Oh, yikes. I forgot, and as somebody else mentioned, the alpha female issue. Female herders are by their nature alpha females; they have to be to take charge of those dumb flocks, or herds. Chuck's in for a hard time. Forever. After.
161. sylvie said:
Quite a picture! hope you managed to grab that shower, those poor guests! ;-)
162. Priscilla said:
Ah, we too have a poop eater, but I've never chased her in the snow, while naked myself. Yet.
You get a Motherhood Merit Badge for that one!
163. Crystal Secretin said:
So...it was just a normal day right?
164. linda said:
Almost got busted for reading your blog at work. Couldn't contain my snorts of glee.
It was worth it.
165. Sromeo said:
I'm so glad to see a story of your life instead of a link! Although "pinch his tits" was pretty good. You are a funny woman, Heather B. Armstrong.
Also, in the style section, I would like to see more of your clothes and/or shoes! Not that I don't appreciate your handcrafted notes and Asian bears and the like, but nothing makes me smile like a pair of delicious weekend pumps.
166. Mrs.Strizzay said:
And then the doorbell rang.....
My dog once ate the ass out of a pair of pants my son pooped in. Like Ate the whole ass off. Assless pants, not cute on a two year old.
167. Terri said:
What is it with dogs and their own crap! Mine does it too. Thanks for the laugh.
168. Sam-I-am said:
This is why we keep coming back. Bravo.
169. Terry said:
Sorry, didn't have time to read all the comments to see if anyone else may have mentioned this or not, but our vet said dogs do that because of the undigested dog food that is in the poop. He suggested those pills you can get at the pet stores or a better grade dog food that digests easier.
We tried the better food, seems to work. Yay!
And thanks for all the smiles & knowing nods.
Terry
170. Rowen said:
ok that made me seriously almost fall out of my chair. and i kept waiting for you to write about how just as all your bits were hanging out, the invitees heard all the racket coming from the back yard and decided to investigate.
guess it can always be worse!
171. Sarah said:
" ....and then, the doorbell rang!"
HILARIOUS! thanks for that Heather .. I have totally been there too. My dog used to eat my horses manure but at least it was vegetarian.
Men are really babies in a man body aren't they?!
172. Lauren said:
We use the good dog food, the kind that gets all digested, and my boy still snacks in the backyard.
My dog ate his own feces and then vomited it up on my white living room carpet on New Years Eve... in front of my guests. And, there is a stain.
I've been trying something I learned online which is to mix pineapple with their food. Something about there being an enzyme present from the pineapple, after digestion, that makes the poop less desirable for the dog to munch on.
173. Marel said:
One of the funniest ever!!
174. CortneyTree said:
Oh, man, have I been there. SO there. I was chasing a cat at the time, but otherwise, all the elements are there.
It's painful. But sweet baby jeebus is it funny.
175. missy wiggins said:
don't come between a man and his star bits.
176. Jill S. said:
Ohmigod, I needed that laugh so badly. Sorry it was at your expense. But I've been there. Does that count?
177. Natalie said:
My dog eats poo, too. It's awful. The worst was when I also had a cat. Annie would run up to me and give me kisses on my face and I'd think, My Annie, your breath smells so FRESH! Then I'd realize her breath was so FreshStep, which meant she had been grazing at the local litter bar.
178. Mental Pause Mama said:
Too, too funny. My dog likes to eat it AND wear it. How was dinner?
179. David said:
Only the prisons aren't near the ocean, they're near Bakersfield. There's a special kinda hell.
180. Manda said:
Sadly, the events in this post bear a striking resemblance to moments in my own life.
181. kerry said:
Seriously, are you famous or something? How do you know this many people??
Your writing is fabulous.
I am interested in knowing what kind of lens you use since your photos are fabulous. I'm in the market for buying one and am curious what you use.
182. CSI Seattle said:
As an aspiring author, I come to you for inspiration and an understanding of humor writing.
Another great story. Thank you.
183. Kate C. said:
This reminds me of a time when my own Coco was a puppy.
It was a beautiful spring day and I was napping on the couch, lulled to sleep by a warm cross breeze from the open windows and patio door. I heard the puppy padding in, snuggling into her pillow, I cracked an eye, taking in her tiny 5lb.fluffy black cuteness and baby pink tongue licking....A DEAD BIRD.
On my part, there was some incoherent screaming, uncontrollable skin crawling and the "yucky" dance. On hers, doggish confusion about why I'd taken her "treat".
I'd like to say that was the last incredibly nasty thing she did...Good luck. ;)
184. Christa said:
Oh my gosh..I nearly peed my pants laughing so hard..and as the mom of 1 husband, 4 kids and 4 furbabies I know exactly how you feel.
185. Erin said:
Now I see why you never open comments. I seriously hope this is a one time thing. Although, I guess it would be good exercise if you have to chase her away from poo all the time!
186. idf said:
Thanks for the laugh
187. Melissa said:
I have a not-very-smart greyhound who also enjoys eating his poo. A friend of mine had a Boston Terrier who did the same thing- they said she was self-perpetuating. Yikes.
The funniest thing about the poo-eating is that I asked my vet about it and she said "They make something that you can add to the dog's food to make the poop taste bad."
I was laughing so hard that I could barely stand up straight. You would think that maybe poop would already taste kind of... nevermind.
188. kimblahg said:
And it is times like these that you should be eternally grateful you don't have paparazzi staking out your back yard. What do celebs do when their dogs eat poo in the snow? Oh yeah, they send the maid!
189. Dodi M said:
Whew. I thought I was the only one this ever happened to!
190. Eleanor said:
You know you married the right man when he doesn't even bat an eye at you running by in nothing but his coat and shoes and snow.
Definitely a reason to consider warmer climes! LOL!
191. TaraL said:
This has got to be the funniest post I have read in a long time! Kind of reminds me of the time I got out of the shower and had to run after my little shit eater only to look up and find my new mormon neighbor standing outside my all glass front door. He looked a little surprised!
192. Victoria said:
This is made even awesomer by the fact that I can see it happening!
Wait, I don't mean literally.. I just mean I can imagine it happening. Like, to me. : )
193. MarkDM said:
What, no video?
194. Bohica said:
We use Nutros Organic dog food at about $40 a bag, and the little schmuck still ate it when he was young. Fortunately, he outgrew the habit. There's still hope for yours, Heather. Our other dog who's bigger, likes to roll him in it on a regular basis.
I would have paid GOOD money to watch this. Over and over. I'm with the poster who mentioned Youtube. Jon's shirking his duties ~ he should just follow you around with a camera all day.
195. Tootsie Farklepants said:
I have my own version of a John Armstrong at home and he also makes my head bleed with the yelling about things that are only important in some odd little world that only he can see. I hope you were able to get your panties in order before company arrived.
196. eyemkent said:
Sorry but, video or it didn't happen. :-)
197. Kim said:
I'm sitting here laughing like a hyena.
Thanks for the great laugh! Unfortunately, it was at your expense.
I love your puppy!
198. Kris said:
Who the hell wheres a size 13? Your husband must be a professional basketball player.
My dog tries to roll in his own poop and it drives me insane.
199. jessie j said:
this site is wonderful. youre such a hilarious writer, the tone behind your entire site is amazing. thanks for always being there. i just visited after suddenly remembering your existance- its been a few years. thanks for the laughs.
200. gina g said:
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha <- yes they were necessary :)
201. Liz said:
i still want to meet coco even though....she has poo-breath.
202. Ricki said:
We have a shih-tzu that does that trick - I love him, but gahh! AND he thinks he's an *indoor* dog and should NEVER have to go OUTSIDE! If we don't put puppy pads down, no problem! He'll just go on the bare vinyl flooring! Grrr!!!
203. Andrea said:
Panties are overrated. How in hell do you have time to read all these comments...!
204. Jeannette said:
I have a new puppy too! He's so cute and tiny! And I've caught him eating his own poop too! Nasty! Vet gave us some powder stuff to put in his food to make it taste bitter.
205. Fern said:
My greyhound ate his poo until he was about 11 years old. It drove us crazy. We walked him 2x a day, treat him like gold, and I even started my own business 9 years ago so I could be home with the love of my life.
It's so gross. No matter how many times you think you've gotten all the poo picked up, they find the one chunk that's hidden. Then I would have to wipe his mouth out with a wet paper towel while dry heaving. Fun.
206. baseballmom said:
BWAAAHAAA! That was so damn funny. I pictured myself out on the porch in my nightgown, hissing at the dog to come INSIDE, because it's 3 am and 25 degrees outside, and damnit, I can't yell at you because everyone is SLEEPING except me, of course. I have to second the person who said to try the supplement that makes their poop taste nasty-it does work. I heard that some dogs just like it, and it's not a nutrition deficiency.
207. Shalini said:
so freaking funny, for us reading it, probably not going to be funny for you until a year or so passes.
Puppies are so much fun, eh? (My inner Canadian-speak coming out)
What is this Wii Game you speak of? Do you play it as well? I must research it.
208. angela said:
I concur with all the pineapple people. It works.
209. Anonymous said:
That would have probably been one of THE most hilarious pictures on Google Earth: you running around in Jon's things after Coco in your backyard. Priceless.
Just try and keep yourself healthy, please.
210. Rebecca said:
I laughed so hard - thank you, thank you!
211. Lisa said:
I think I have everyone beat on this one. One time I caught MY dog eating our other dog's poop AS IT WAS COMING OUT OF HER ASS!!! Only the freshest poo for my guy!!
212. w said:
OMG, I know I shouldn't look but it's took amazing amount of restraint to passup. lol, spit at my keyboard!. You are SUCH a good mom Heather.
213. Janet said:
Oh. Why do dogs have to do that?
214. Heather's Garden said:
Jon, seriously, haven't you figured out that you have one Mii that you play and one that Leta can fool around with and not get yelled at? We've found that our under 5 year old friends are happy to "play" the Sonic demo and celebrate how "well" they're doing. Mario Galaxy was my favorite Christmas present and in a household with no little kids and a very understanding husband, it took 2.5 solid days of gaming (smelling gaming at that) to beat. Heather, good things happen when you have no panties on too!
215. Suebob said:
Goldie is a copraphage, too, though she usually prefers Cat Flavor Poo. It just makes me yak.
216. m said:
I had a dog who did the same thing; oddly he only ate poop in the winter- poopsicles. Just wait until she walks into the house and belches her poopy breath right in your face. Yum!
217. TravelVixen said:
All puppies eat poop, I fear. I know my 6-month old cocker spaniel does. And all men take video games way too seriously. If only they could be so serious and dedicated about things like laundry and cleaning the shower. Harumpf. The joys of marriage and puppy-mummyhood.
218. Katina said:
pure. comedic. genius.
219. TravelVixen said:
BTW - I'm new to your blog and love your writing style. Well paced and comedic. Thanks!
220. The Super Bongo said:
We once asked the vet how we could get our pooch to stop eating poop . . . she shrugged her shoulders and said "it's like chocolate to them"
221. Flikka said:
My sister doesn't have internet so I print your best stuff to her once a week via fax - this one is going FOR SURE! :-)
She wants to know when you are publishing a book?
222. The Slippery Indian said:
Star Bits make the world go round, Armstrong.
Recognize.
223. Z said:
Wow, I laughed so hard reading this. I definitely agree with Amy (comment #2). If only your dinner guests had come early!