Grand total of 78,215 words
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Last night I emailed my finished manuscript to my editor in New York, and then I drove downtown, took off all my clothes and ran naked through Temple Square. There was no other appropriate response. Except maybe I should have taped some sparklers to my boobs. [making mental note for future instances of streaking]
I'm not sure what I want to do with the next hour of my life, or even the next ten minutes. I COULD DO ANYTHING. I mean, this whole process started three years ago, and it got really intense a year ago when the deadlines were written in ink on a contract, and since then every single minute of my life has been heavy with the thought of those deadlines. I felt guilty if I took five minutes to read a magazine because I should have been using those five minutes to write my book. I felt like I was walking around with a 500-pound llama sitting on my face, and it hadn't bathed in several weeks.
So I know it's not over, because this is when the work really begins, when my editor takes his red pen to the Word document and starts crossing out entire paragraphs and makes notes in the margin like, "YOU ARE DUMB," or, "SIT ON IT." But just making it this far was so thrilling that last night I turned to Jon and said, you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to take an entire hour and organize my sock drawer! AND I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. That's how out of control I was.
The following paragraph seems out of context, but trust me, it will all make sense and we will hug at the end.
There's this show on MTV called "Rob and Big," and I know there's nothing more annoying than hearing someone talking about a television show you don't watch, except maybe having to sit there while someone tells you about the dream they had last night, but pay attention because this is important. Rob is this tiny professional skateboarder who lives in LA and Big is his huge bodyguard, and the show follows them around as they do every stupid thing a 14-year-old boy wishes he could do if only he had the money. And it is our favorite show on television, and one night we're sitting there watching it unable to breathe because we're laughing so hard, and I'm all, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS FUNNY. What is wrong with me? I didn't like 14-year-old boys when I was a 14-year-old girl, so why was I identifying with this show now? I totally wanted to break up with me.
There's one specific episode where the two of them are driving through a car wash and an Enrique Iglesias song comes on, and Rob reaches down and turns the car stereo up as loud as it will go and starts singing along like crazy, as if he had written the song himself, and he's moving his arms to the rhythm like a lunatic. And Big is sitting in the passenger seat, perfectly calm, quietly mouthing the words, nodding his head almost imperceptibly. Jon paused the show and said, this is it, this is why we love this show so much. THAT IS OUR MARRIAGE RIGHT THERE.
It was like a truckload of bricks fell on top of my head. He was exactly right. And if you've ever wondered what it's like in our house on a day-to-day basis, all you have to do is turn on that show, watch Rob come up with some deranged scheme, like I KNOW! Let's go buy a miniature horse and let it live in our living room! And Big will nod, scratch his chin, maybe shrug his shoulders just a tiny bit, and say, whatever, I only work here.
So last night I downloaded that specific Enrique Iglesias song the second I was done with my manuscript and then went nuts with my set of propellor arms in the kitchen while Jon stood in the corner and bobbed his head to the rhythm. Leta joined me on the dance floor, and Chuck and Coco just wandered around in manic circles like, I don't know what's going on, but maybe this is what happens right before bacon falls out of the sky.
You must have a dooce® Community account to leave a comment.
If you've already registered, login.
If this is your first time posting here, snag a free account.
Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
302. shannon said:
First!
303. Shalini said:
Please tell me you will link to the book once it's published and for sale. I am so very EXCITED to read it. I can't get enough of your site, I'm a dooce addict, and I don't want to get clean.
And Bacon.....mmmmmm bacon!
304. Josiane Feigon said:
Heather,
You rock, I love your writing and the world needs to hear about you. Congrats!
305. Addie said:
Well done! I have to say, you have the longest, skinniest arms I've seen in a very long time. Lucky bitch.
Thanks for being a bright spot in my day...because laughing out loud at my computer doesn't make me look crazy AT ALL.
306. Joanna said:
Mazel tov! For both bloggies and book! I don't get cable, so I had never heard of Rob and Big, but I did write a book once, and that is exactly what it felt like for the last year: guilt if I did anything else and then insane joy when I finished.
307. Nick said:
I read the first four sentences of this post aloud to Patrick, my boyfriend, and he--in all seriousness--said, "Really?! Didn't she get in trouble?"
I played along because it was so easy.
"Yeah! It was on the news," I said. "You should have seen Nadine Wimmer when she was quoting Heather and had to say 'sparklers' and 'boobs' in the same sentence."
That is a perfect illustration of our relationship.
Then Patrick came over to my computer, hoping for photos of the event.
See, even the gays are starting to hound you for topless photos of yourself. Now you know you've really made it to the big time.
Congrats!
308. Eva said:
Congrats Heather. You make us all so very proud. I'm sending you a pair of boob sparklers first thing tomorrow. Don't forget to bring your camera the next time you find yourself in this "Temple Square" place that you speak of!
309. shana said:
I LOVE that show! I like how at the end of that scene Rob said "Don't tell anyone about that." Good stuff. Also, where would one find this SKY BACON?
Hey, congrats on the book :)
310. Carrie said:
Despite the millions of words I have gotten from you for free, I cannot wait to buy this book.
311. kimblahg said:
thank you for validating my complete love of rob and big. that and america's best dance crew are such embarassing shows to love but the heart wants what it wants. big congrats on finishing the manuscript- that is so huge. think of how many people have "write a book" on their "to do before dying" lists and you can put a big ol' check mark next to it.
313. Stephanie said:
Naked? AND in Temple Square?
But…
you could be like excommunicated
or something serious.
314. Stephanie said:
Naked? AND in Temple Square?
But…
you could be like excommunicated
or something serious.
315. Anonymous said:
dude, i will forever read this website now (like i wasn't already reading it every day & checking 3 times a day for updates), but only because you love rob & big as much as i do! my fiancee and i are ALWAYS telling people about that show. i wanted to scream with glee when you said it was your favorite show, too, because you're one of the coolest people on the internet. rob & big need a blog. :)
316. Noemi said:
Congrats!
My twin sister and I have the same relationship lol
317. Ozma said:
CONGRATULATIONS.
I have to write for my work. Trying to finish deadlines and turn in that crap is my life. So basically, you just described my life forever. Right there, what you said about the magazine. The five minutes. I remember being excited when I was about to give birth because I figured that might be a time when I wasn't going to feel guilty for not writing. But I did anyway.
Every Rob needs a Bob. Not that I've ever seen this show. But that chemistry is a good one for a marriage. I'm a Rob but it can go either way.
318. kiminchrg said:
Girl - I'm so proud of you!!! When I first heard you had a book coming soon - I told everyone. And it's cool that I can say - I knew you when... You are doing so well... I have gotten several people at work hooked on your blog. Congratulations!! Nerds Unite!!! Oh - and i just bought a dooce shirt so I can advertise your blog right across my chest - which seems to be the main place most guys look anyway... lol. Anyway - next time you make it to the hellhole we call Memphis - look me up.
Humbly - and so not as kick-ass as you...hahaha,
Kim Chaney
PS - which enrique song? b/c his stuff is so my guilty pleasure.... kinda like justin timberlake...
319. Saron said:
Way to go Heather! I can't wait to buy your book.
320. The Bold Soul said:
This is so freaking awesome, you finishing your book. You earned that dance in your kitchen!
321. Jill said:
14? 14??? He looks like a little old man.
Deadlines are horrid, glad yours has passed successfully. Looking forward to the book in all its papery glory.
322. Boulder said:
That is the single most played clip on that show in our house. Lather, rinse, repeat a la Tivo. I fell in love with the show during the first season, and thought, "why aren't more people talking about this most awesome show invented?" Glad to know I'm not the only one out there who enjoys it.
323. melbourne dreaming said:
Congrats to you and your Big (for his supporting role in your success).
I came across this book and this chick's writing reminds me very much of yours - just with a little less crazy (please believe me when I say I mean that as a compliment):
http://www.amazon.com/Operating-Instructions-Journal-Sons-First/dp/04499...
324. maria pereira said:
You're the TOP
325. CC said:
Congrats on finishing the manuscript! And what a way to celebrate - propellor arms and all.
My dogs wonder too whether bacon falls out of the sky during such activities. Either that or marshmallows.
326. Stellare said:
There is absolutely nothing wrong in watching MTV series. Nothing!
327. NJ WebGuy said:
At the risk of stating the incredibly obvious, that's a lot of words!
Congratulations on getting it done.
How long does it take for something like that to get edited?
328. Joe said:
Congrats on finishing Heather! I can't wait to read the final product.
329. Cat said:
May the bacon rise to meet you,
May the grease be always at your back,
May the pork shine bright upon your face!
Congrats Dooce Dude
330. paula said:
Congrats Heather! What an amazing accomplishment. This post had me laughing so hard, we LOVE Rob & Big!
331. Anonymous said:
Congratulations Heather!
Way To Go!
332. John Dickerson said:
Congratulations. Wait 'till they make you do the editing with that special pencil only on the manuscript. You'll wonder why if it's 1803 and you have to pretend there are no computers you can't also wear a powdered wig. (Unless, like me, you do already. (At least for tennis anyway)).
I found dooce.com when I was writing my book and needed a moment away from breathing the llama. It provided tremendous bursts of amusement and lift to my day. I look forward to the book which will provide a respite from whatever I'm avoiding next.
333. Kristan said:
I think I want to be you when I grow up.
Congrats, and thanks for the hilarious post!
I only started reading a few days ago, but I feel like I've wasted so much time. Where has Chuck been all my life?!
334. Justin said:
I CAN NOT WAIT TO READ IT. You totally rock, and if you were ever to put on a reading in Boise I would be there and totally bring a bra with me to throw at you. Maybe even panties, but don't push your luck. My wife would probably wonder why I am sneaking off with her underwear.
335. Jennifer said:
Fantastic! But be careful with the sparklers. Always use the ones with metal sticks. The wooden ones can catch on fire and that would not be fun to explain to the emergency room staff. I can only imagine the rehab involved.
336. Alyxherself said:
love. rob. and. big :)
love. dooce, can't wait for book. release date pending?
337. Jean said:
Congratulations, that is awesome! Thanks for the laughs that almost kill me as i sit and choke on my apple.
338. Sheenah said:
Congrats! That is a huge accomplishment. Dance away!
339. wry catcher said:
I have never heard of Rob and Big, but I'm certifiable in dorkness. Also, I only get German MTV.
Congrats on the book, that's great.
340. Inga said:
I love your blogs! lol, you are so humorous. I'm a new reader, by the way. Hi! :-)
I've never watched a full episode of Rob and Big. I wasn't sure what exactly it was that Rob did. Skateboarder, huh? Got it (lol).
341. Erika said:
Congrats!
I cannot wait to read it! Please say you are coming to Memphis for a book signing. I might cry if you don't. Seriously.
342. Allison said:
BIG CONGRATS to you!! What an amazing accomplishment!
Rob and Big rock my world, now I know how many people watch it and feel less weird about loving that show :D
343. Janice said:
Congratulations!
Thanks for making me laugh and/or cry *every day.*
344. somedayme2 said:
Congrats on everything you have accomplished lately!
Do we (your internet stalkers) get a chance at naming the book??? The winner could receive...BACON! Sign me up, TWICE!
345. Lia said:
You DROVE? DOWNTOWN? Wow! Did that take more or less time than writing the book?
Congrats on two great accomplishments.
346. RCSure said:
Congrats on getting the book done! Awesome. Relax.
Rob & Big - The only show on MTV worth watching. Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty....
347. Michelle said:
You are effing brilliant!! I can't wait to get a copy of your book in my pudgy lobster claws!
348. SAE said:
I love you
349. Kat @ The Burb Blog said:
Congrats on finishing! I've never had the opportunity to leave a comment on here before but I wanted to let you know I read your blog most days and I love it! I'm working my way through the archives and I cannot wait for the next book! Oh, and I think you are my slightly older, much better looking, much more maternal sister.
We have a lot in common yet we have nothing in common! Keep on keepin' on!
350. Kim said:
Wow! Can't wait to read your book.
On another note, I had a dream last night that an old boyfriend came to visit me and he brought me a giant plate of bacon. What does this mean? And then you were doing the 'bacon dance' in your kitchen. This is is too weird. No? A sign, maybe.
351. pnutsugar said:
Congrats on the book and can't wait to read it!
I have the episode when they build Mini Horse the little stable in the backyard on my iPod...I watch it in airports when I'm bored and let the other people wonder what the hell I'm laughing about. I SO wand a sidekick like Big Black.
Then my daughter bought last season on DVD...that's how she spends her college loan money. Wise choice.
352. Wine Dog said:
Congratulations on your accomplishment. May your editor use the pen sparingly. Your work is brilliant, as is.
And I'd be careful with the sparklers, scarred boobs, not cute.
353. Anonymous said:
I LOVE ROB AND BIG ... my fav episode was the Kashi Good Friends cereal episode ... and the swimming pool episode with the surveillance and the net gun ... and when the turtle slide down the staircase. Fantastic!
354. Niffer said:
Congratulations Heather. How hard was it to get that llama smell off your face?
I love Rob and Big, which is why I probably also love you and your 14 year old husband.
355. Adorable Girlfriend said:
Congrats!!
356. Liz said:
Congratulations! Can't wait to see the final product at a bookstore near me.
357. Kristine said:
Hi Heather,
Congratulations on that major accomplishment! That's huge.
My travel agent told me about your blog and I was instantly addicted...and I do mean to the point of doing nothing but reading your entire blog from past to present for the past 2 weeks straight while I'm at work! Yes...addicted! (I am in a boring job at the moment).
You're an amazing writer but even more a great person and you and Jon have an absolutely precious daughter. I cannot wait to read your book.
I am so glad you brought up Rob & Big as I am so in love with this show. I cannot get enough of it(that and the Hills). Probably one of my favorite episodes was when Big decided he needed to lose weight and they couldn't find a scale large enough to register his weight so they drove on down to the recycling center! Absolutely hilarious and if anyone ever knew I watched these ridiculous shows it would probably totally change their view of me but that shit is funny!
I continue to enjoy youg blog. Keep up the fantastic work and kudos to you.
Anytime you're down in Atlanta, let me know.
358. M. said:
it's a good show, you have a good life. Congrats on turning in your manuscript -what a relief. Now, go do nothing and enjoy it. That's an order.
359. Kim said:
I want a marriage like that. It's how it's suppose to be.
360. GaullyGirl said:
Rob & Big is the best show ever.
For as long as I've read your site (since '02), your only difference from Rob & Big is you so entirely would have bourbon in your fridge and not Bud Light.
361. Courtney said:
I love Rob and Big. I saw that episode a few weeks ago and immediately started playing Enrique! I act like that all of the time in my car and I have my 3 kids dancing along also. Of course my 13 yr old is too cool but the others love it.
Congrats on your book!
362. Karen Rivers said:
The best part about writing any book is the day after you've finished it. The freedom, that amazing incredible freedom to do what you would have done anyway but without the guilt. It's kinda like the writer-equivalent of a thrill sport -- pushing and pushing and pushing to meet the terrifying deadline and the euphoria of the adrenalin rush that comes with the end of it all. Or something like that. Enjoy! And congratulations. I'm looking forward to reading the book.
363. ameliaville said:
Thank you so much for calling attention to Rob & Big as being the best show ever.
We cannot get enough of it either...every time we watch it we talk about WHAT on EARTH that show pitch must have been like to MTV!?! How much we want to go and hang out with them! What must get left on the cutting room floor!?!
Why did they let minihorse sleep in the house the first night!?! How do we get our hands on a net-gun!?! OH and how much we want our car to have that matte/non-shiny look to it! so special.
also, nice job! now you can spend hours vegging out sans guilt to this: flickrvision.com
364. Sarah said:
congratulations!!
I imagine it is similar to the feeling I get after my last final, times a hundred!
365. stacie said:
yay! i'm not the only one - over 13 - who watches "Rob & Big." I was even watching the mini-marathon the other day. I love you guys, thanks - now I don't feel all alone. (:
366. Nikki said:
Congratulations on finishing! I can't wait for the finished finished product.
Rob&Big is my favorite show as well. It's so much my favorite show that I refrained from writing a strongly worded letter about the DVD packaging being my least favorite kind for fear of a backlash.
Someday I will learn about punctuation and its many virtues.
So, again, congratulations on your accomplishments of a finished manuscript and stellar taste in semi-reality programming. :) My favorite episode is the one with Bobby Light and the rap video.
367. Lisa Lou said:
Congratulations, Heather. Be very good to yourself--get a pedicure, a massage, drink expensive tequila. You deserve it.
368. HeatherO said:
Holy $hitballs what a March you are having between seeing the ExVP, SXSW and a manuscript. Whoudathunkit!!
Many hugs and green with envy the day after St Patty's day. Please tell me you had a hangover from all this celebrating.
369. Rhonda said:
I am so excited to know that another grown-up loves Rob & Big as much as I do. I try to convince all my 30-something friends to watch, and they all act like I am crazy. Oh, except for the one chick at book club who had the nerve to act like Rob should be spending his money for "the better good" rather than on entertaining us with his mini horse or trying to break 20 Guiness World Records. SHAH!
370. Rachizzle said:
congratulations on completing the book.
and i've read every single freakin entry, but today i realized that we are kindred spirits. because i talk about Rob&Big ALLLLLL the time, and it's never funny to anyone else, but that show just... *sigh* i cannot express the squish my heart gets - your interpretation was close, but it's so much more than that!
i have Tuesday nights off every week, just so I can watch it, and I plan on buying the DVDs. I actually cry from laughing so hard, even if it's an episode i've already seen.
xo
371. Leesavee said:
I am rapidly nearing 40 (and I'm female) and I LOVE ROB & BIG!!! And Meaty and mini horse. How awful is it that I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT???? I want to go buy ten remote-controlled toy helicopters and crash them. I want to go wig shopping. They have THE LIFE. Lucky bastards!
CONGRATULATIONS on the completion of your manuscript, Heather! You should be so very proud of yourself.
Rock on, dear!
372. Leesavee said:
Oh, one more thing...ever since I read the line about a llama sitting on your face, I've had the song, "Sit on my Face" by Monty Python stuck in my head.
Hilarious song, but not so appropriate for the office.
373. The Lisa Show said:
Holy shit. That sounds like my marriage, too.
Congratulations on the book! Can't wait to read it.
374. Janet said:
Adorable. Cant wait for the book.
375. lauren pieters said:
my dearest dooce...
that i have been faithfully reading your blog for, oh....many many...weeks now...to find you on the bloggies...to see you win...
you just make me laugh. you and chuck. and jon.
i just love you for that.
biggest congratulations on the words. would love to see the pics of you running around. :)
376. Kate said:
Bacon... I love bacon.
377. ldk said:
I feel you on Rob and Big. My fiance and I feel the exact same way about our relationship. As for that particular episode, I swear I tinkled just a little bit while watching it. Enjoy organizing your sock drawer, you deserve it!
378. AnnaMarie said:
Congrats!
I recently had dinner with a writer named Jenny White. I asked her about her process and she was telling me about sending the manuscript to the editor, they would send it back, and on and on and on. I was, frankly, exhausted by the end of our talk. I said, "wow, that must be soo frustrating." She said no, because she knew that when it was all said and done, it would be the best possible book it could be.
Enjoy the journey! There's a big, huge, hardback reward at the end.
379. lindasands said:
After the first free Rob and Big (poop in the pool)from I-Tunes, I was hooked. The mural on the bottom of their pool is just too awesome for words. Kinda like you.
Best of luck with the manuscript.
380. Liz said:
SOOOO funny, but before that Congrats on the manuscript! I long to write my own book but can't seem to get the deadline thing down, I'm a procrastinator to say the very LEAST! On another note, me and my husband also watch Rob and Big and laugh histerically. The show that relates to me and my husband most is actually King of Queens... I love it!
381. Anonymous said:
I am OBSESSED with Rob and Big and was introduced to them by the "man of my dreams"...and THIS was the first episode he told me about b/c he fell in love and became obsessed with this song (he almost died when I told him it was by Enrique Iglesias)...now randomly in the middle of our conversations he will just say "do ya?" You totally made my day when I read this and I have sent this part of your blog to my guy to share with him. So great!
382. Moobeema said:
Just started reading your blog. Delightful. Not sure my fellow denim-jumper-wearing-Bible-thumping-homeschool-moms would even GET you. But I do. You're heart is tender, even when your arms are flailing. Keep writing to me. I'm better for it.
383. Aimee Greeblemonkey said:
I'm Jon to Bryan's Heather. Except when I am Heather.
Big congrats on the book. Well done you. :)
384. Adam said:
Congratulations on getting it finished, Heather. And condolences on the noodly arms.
385. Ellen said:
Congratulations!
I KNOW! What is it with identifying with teenagers at this stage in my life when I didn't identify with them at all when I WAS a teenager?
When I sing, the cats come around first to check if I'm ok, and then wait around a little while to see if maybe it's a new way of calling them for supper, and then get bored and wander off because there wasn't anything in it for them after all.
386. Cassie said:
Random acts of dancing are the absolute best things ever.
Also, congratulations on your manuscript!!
387. maggie said:
Do Work
388. Kate said:
No writer on earth makes me laugh as much as you do.
Congratulations on the manuscript, can't wait for the book.
389. Anna said:
Friggin' love that show. And congrats!
390. Lauren said:
Heather, this post, and the one from Thursday, is the reason that the Internet and I love you.
Congrats on finishing the book, I can't wait to read it!
391. Amber said:
Breaking out in random dance moves is how I deal with this thing called life! Glad the book writing "chapter" in your life is over. For. Now. Take a breather...
392. MacKenzie said:
Congrats on the book!
Now, to more important matters:
I SAW ROB AND BIG IN LA. ROB WAS SKATING IN A PARK AND I SAW HIM GET APPREHENDED BY THE COPS AND BIG ROUGHED THEM UP.
It was like something out of a fairytale!
393. alikatze said:
Jeez, Heather, why do your boobs keep coming up in entries? ...And the arms, too?? Feh! But, yeah, as re: the marriage, 'sounds ace. I live for the day that I find a hot guy with whom I can freely act like a total maniac.
394. ronni said:
Congratulations! I'll be first in line to buy a copy!
I really wanted to see you at the coffee shop in Austin, but I had to work. My boss at the costume shop would have let me go if we hadn't had a show being picked up that afternoon.
I went around all day, thinking, "Dooce is in town! Wow!"
Congratulation on the "Bloggies," too!
395. Indigene said:
The way you feel about Rob, is exactly the way I feel about reading your blog! It is hysterically and it makes my day when I read it! Congrats! In my house when someone's accomplished something, well anything, like actually getting out of the bed, we do the old soul train line dance, lol!