Chuck's heightened sense of AWESOME!
Tuesday, March 25 2008
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Last week I posted a picture of Chuck with a round swath of soot on his forehead and explained that for the last two weeks he's been standing with his head inside the fireplace for hours every day. But because we couldn't hear anything or smell any rotting carcass I just assumed that it was a new habit of his, an adorable habit, and when I walked into our bedroom to find him just standing there silently, his entire head and neck disappearing inside the top of the fireplace, I was all, how cute is that dog? WHO'S A GOOD BOY WITH HIS HEAD UP THE CHIMNEY!
But many of you sent me email to urge me not to take such behavior lightly. Do not ignore your dog, you said. Your dog is trying to tell you something, you said. And then you started sending me stories about how your dog started barking at the fireplace and two days later your entire house was filled with bats. And that's all you had to do, mention the bats, because if it could be bats then it could also be a family of squirrels. And if it could be a family of squirrels then there's no reason it couldn't be AN ADULT OPOSSUM. And if that was the case then I was going to call up that restaurant in Austin that puts bacon in their refried beans and order a serving for 12, because the guests at my funeral were going to be hungry after seeing the frozen look of horror on my dead face.
So Jon called a few chimney sweeps, got some bids, and scheduled someone to come out and take a look at our chimney on Friday morning. And a few hours before he showed up Chuck went from standing silently near the fireplace to growling at the fireplace, code for: I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT THIS. Chuck only growls at Coco when she's trying to steal a rawhide bone out of his mouth, and maybe sometimes at horses, okay definitely at horses, because there was that one time I thought it would be funny to drive slowly by a barn to see how Chuck would respond to all the animals. And he growled, all right. But he was also so scared of the horses that suddenly an inconvenient grease shot out of his butt, and because he was sitting in my lap at the time that butt grease ended up on my shirt, and in that instant I was very upset that humans were born with noses.
The chimney sweep showed up later that afternoon and found nothing in the chimney connected to the fireplace in the living room. However, when he inspected the chimney connected to the fireplace in our bedroom he let out an exclamation of excitement, ran upstairs and said, yeah. There's a raccoon living in your chimney. And he is rather large.
Then he said that once he nudged him a bit with his tools the raccoon would either a) fall off the chimney or b) run away scared. Let's look at these options for just a second. A) There is no way a raccoon could survive that kind of fall, and b) B doesn't even matter when A is a possibility. So I said to the chimney sweep, look, I am not about to let you go around killing wildlife, can we just let him continue living in our chimney? All he wants is a few warm cuddles, why not leave him alone! We could adopt him and let him sleep in our bed! I'd name him Percy Twinkles Armstrong and take photos of him wearing Keds.
That's what this family was missing! A raccoon! THAT WE COULD ANTHROPOMORPHIZE.
The chimney sweep looked at me and then looked at Jon like, ummmm... And that's when Jon was all DO NOT PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE INSANE WOMAN STANDING BESIDE ME.
So I guess there are all sorts of reasons you shouldn't let a raccoon live in your chimney. Who knew? I won't get into that long list here, but one bullet point on that list is the fact that the raccoon would use your chimney as a waste receptacle. That's all I needed to know. If that's not a good enough reason for you then you should probably go out right now, adopt a puppy and let her poop all over the inside of your car. That bullet point will instantly make sense.
Now, I haven't ever been a chimney sweep, but I imagine they see all sorts of wacky things inside people's fireplaces. Birds, nests, that uncle who went missing, so you'd think a raccoon wouldn't be that big of a deal to him, right? WRONG. When he saw us heading outside with our camera I think he realized, dude, I never get to see the animal scurry out of the chimney. I bet it's more awesome than NASCAR. So he went and got his camera, screwed it to a tripod and set it on our neighbor's fence. I don't know why that made me so happy, to see him so excited about it, maybe because a situation like this was exactly why he became a chimney sweep in the first place. Or I guess he could just be a huge fan of soot.
So he grabbed all his equipment and headed down into our bedroom while we stood out in front of our house waiting for some crazed raccoon to shoot out the top of our chimney. Five minutes later he ran out the front door, breathless, and said, "DID YOU SEE IT?"
Um. No. The invisible raccoon managed to escape unnoticed.
He scratched his chin, said he'd go back down and nudge him a little harder, and thirty seconds later we saw a foot:
And then another foot:
And then the whole raccoon emerged. Indeed, he was rather large:
I held my breath waiting for him to fall to his death, but he just sat there and peered at us over the top of the chimney:
This went on for what seemed like hours but was actually only a few minutes, the raccoon sitting calmly on the chimney. I wished so badly that I knew what he was thinking and came to the conclusion that he was assessing whether or not he could take us. Should he climb down and find another place to live, or would it be worth it to jump off like a flying squirrel into my face, just to watch me die from shock. He was weighing his options.
And then without provocation he turned and slowly scaled the chimney down to the roof and off into someone else's life:
The chimney sweep estimated that the raccoon weighed anywhere from 15-20 pounds. That's bigger than Coco. That's bigger than some toddlers. Internet, I think the lesson we can all learn from this is TAKE YOUR DOG SERIOUSLY.
(all photos taken by Jon with our telephoto lens)
1. Lori said:
Yeah Chuck!!!
2. Chris said:
That's awesome! Nice set of pics. Should go into the family photo album.
3. Anonymous said:
Wow! That's amazing. Good thing you listened to Chuck.
4. Elizabeth said:
that's AWESOME!
5. Andria said:
Why do I have Mary Poppins ditties strumming through my head after seeing the chimney sweeper?!
6. jive turkey said:
Cute...and terrifying. Perhaps this means that Chuck has officially made up for squirting butt grease on you?
And I LOVE that you would have named your new pet raccoon Percy, because that is what my 6 year old cousin named the mouse that was terrifying my aunt in their kitchen.
7. Leslie said:
OMG-- such awesome pictures!! Way to go CHUCK!! You've earned your keep!! ;-)
8. Shannon said:
Awesome. We once had a mama raccoon take up residence in the chimney. Unfortunately she had her babies in there, brought in all sorts of garbage for them to eat, and then died. It was a messy business. Be glad you kicked Percy out before he decided to do the same.
9. Sarah said:
Only a photo of the raccoon balanced on top of Chuck's head would have made this more fantastic.
10. BethanyWD said:
The photos TOTALLY made this post.
GOOOOOOO Chuck!
11. Valerie said:
Wow! What a great story. All those bat people were right!
12. Liv said:
Way to go Chuck!
The photos are fab, and whilst Percy was pretty cute looking... waste receptacle? I think you made the right decision.
13. Em said:
How do you know the raccoon won't come back and try to reclaim his home?
14. Someone Being Me said:
That is hilarious. Scary but hilarious. I have been thinking about getting my chimney cleaned for awhile now. You have just upped the ante.
15. Val said:
That's animals for you - they will warn you of problems if you listen. I woke one morning to my cat growling at my window. Yep - someone was trying to open the window from the outside. Good Sammy - Good Chuck!
16. Tara's Mom said:
Chucks a HERO!
17. Angela said:
Good boy, Chuck... Good Boy!
18. dooce said:
Em, we paid to have the chimney sweep install protective caps around the top of the chimney, so the raccoon can't get back in.
19. helena said:
I went to college at UC Santa Barbara, a campus that is OVERRUN with raccoons thrice the size of Chuck, and bigger. Their BABIES weigh 20 lbs, and several anorexic students were mauled by angry mama raccoons twice their weight.
And the raccoons would fornicate loudly in the trees, a sound that very much resembled a torture victim.
It was NOT awesome.
20. Em said:
Ahhh, protective grates - smart.
Very cute story -- Good boy, Chuck!
21. saucygrrl said:
Oh. My. God. That has got to be one of the best told raccoon stories ever!
22. Melissa said:
Just goes to show you that dogs and the internet are smarter than you and me.
Guess Coco has a thing or two to learn yet.
23. alissa said:
okay, I know it's just evergreens.. which I think the name implies, are green.. for ever.. but it sure does look green where you guys live! it totally got my hopes up that green will be coming my way in canada. but I have a feeling that won't be the case.
24. alice q. foodie said:
so it says zero comments but it lies! I'll be like 20th by the time I get this tapped out on the iphone! :-) what great photos and I'm glad the (not so) little bugger lived!
25. Amy said:
Hysterical. Absolutely hysterical.
26. molly said:
It's great to have a camera for completely whack events like that. We've had a variety of animals stuck in our house, and all we have to show for it is the scratches on the floor and the bird poop on the wall. Not nearly as nice as a photo essay.
27. Em said:
Oh, Chuck. Thank God for Chuck.
The bat thing. Oh, the bat thing. Attach wings to a rodent and you reach a whole different level of disgusting. The fact that twice now they have flown into my parents' house during different family parties is nothing but an unfortunate, spine-chilling coincidence.
28. Jen said:
Go Chuck! As your reward, I hope your parents let you eat whatever you want for dinner - like bacon or peanut butter or ice cream!!! Or all three mixed together in a delicious doggy shake! MMmmmMMMmmm.
I love dogs.
29. LilSass said:
So I don't know if this means Chuck should be taken seriously or if listening to your readers pays off...I guess this means you should stop feeding Leta all that meth ;-)
These pics are AWESOME! Had another raccoon found out this one's hiding spot, a fight would have ensued and I can attest (from my PTSD) that hearing/witnessing a raccoon fight is the scariest shit ON.THE.PLANET! They can also be rabid so I am VERY glad you called the sweep. And on that note ... how many times do you think this man has heard customers hum "Chim Chiminy Chim Chiminy Chim Chim Charoo"?
30. hotpants1019 said:
this has to be one of the best stories ever told.
the look on the chimney sweeper's face is priceless.
31. Angela Bryant said:
Good job, Chuck! He WAS trying to tell you something. Love your blog, your stories, your photos, and your beautiful dogs and child! I look forward to my daily dooce. You are an incredibly talented, amazing lady. Keep on keeping on.
32. Kim said:
I had a bird in my wall last month and while it was thumping and scratching in the wall right above my dog's bowls, my dog kept eating like nothing was going on. But yet the dog barked its damn head off when it heard the critter control guy outside. I have a dumb dog.
33. Nicole said:
This was damn hilarious. <3 I also very much hope that someone out there is a chimney sweeper just because they love soot.
34. chuk said:
When we first moved to SLC, we lived in the Avenues, near the graveyard, which is filled with bats, foxes and raccoons (my father, a vet, refers to these as the rabies triumverate).
Anyway, some of the local raccoons decided that it would be better to live in our neighbor's roof than in the wilds of the Mormon Pioneer burial grounds, so Mama and her 4 babies moved in.
There is nothing cuter than 4 cavorting raccoon babies playing on your neighbor's roof. All of the Disney-esque action, and we didn't have to deal with the poop.
35. Melly said:
I want to see the photo of Chuck's face when he said "I told you so!"
36. rebecca said:
Chuck rocks! And I'm glad Mr. Racoon was not harmed :)
37. Sarah said:
That Raccoon is like Spiderman, the way he's scaling that chimney!
38. Amyd said:
Yay, go Chuck!
39. Jebbica said:
How cute is that? I would have wanted to adopt the raccoon, too. Our dog warns us of possible robbers lurking outside our apartment, then lets us know that if we will just let him out, he will ATTACK those robbers for us, by jumping on them and licking them to death! Maltese are vicious that way.
40. margiesbooboo said:
what a good dog!! those raccoons are very cute viscous sharp toothed demons and vector rabies and and all kind of nasties. chuck is such a good boy!
41. HDC said:
Now if it weren't for Coco, Chuck could relax. Relatively speaking of course.
42. Rochelle said:
The foot in the air is so cartoonish... love it.
Nice job removing the background.
43. Anonymous said:
Good boy, Chuck! I think you deserve some bacon for that.
44. BridgetSoup said:
Always listen to your pets! Like during the tsunami, animals ran to safety well before anyone knew what was happening.
Animals are smart! I'm glad you listened to Chuck, I bet he's pretty proud of himself.
45. ɹÇƃƃolquÇÊžoʇ said:
Good for Chuck's insistent staying power. Dogs are just awesome, yup?
We had a big raccoon on our back porch a couple of years ago so I can understand the excitement of seeing such a big one.
Also, I was gonna comment on the exclamation post about comment from the guy who wrote something like you make your living off Leta and that is why you want to have another child, but I was too late.
What a doof.
Everyone knows you make a living off your writing!
46. J. Bo said:
It is clear that Chuck is no mortal dog. Both he and the chimney sweep deserve extra treats.
47. Steph said:
ok, girl, butt grease - HAHAHAHAHAHA!
48. Colleeen Schmitt said:
This story was awesome. way to go Chuck!
49. the mighty jimbo said:
chuck totally deserves a steak and a beer.
50. Brat said:
Yay, Chuck!
Just one more reason to love him!
.
51. Kate said:
My cat sat and stared out a kitchen cupboard for two full days before I came down one day to find a mouse - strewn in parts across the kitchen floor. Yuck! Its like living with a feline serial killer.
52. JayLene said:
Yay for Chuck! He is the Hero of the Armstrong family! Because here in Oregon, Racoon = Rabies! Yikes!
53. Jennifer H said:
This is seriously one of the best raccoon/chimney/prophet dog stories I have ever heard. Not that I get a lot of those stories, but, well, you know what I mean.
54. meg said:
That is the best, most awesomest story EVER.
I want a Chuck dog now. :(
55. Viv said:
Oh geez, that's made my morning, it's so awesome.
56. Erika said:
I am VERY happy I wasn't drinking anything when reading this. My poor computer would never have been the same.
We had a squirrel get caught in our chimney when our daughter was about 3 wks old. I was sitting on the couch, probably nursing her, my husband was upstairs working, when I started hearing a weird tapping sound. I went upstairs and it wasn't my husband. Went back downstairs and the dog was staring at the part of the chimney that went through the kitchen. Went to the bsmt, and the cats were sitting on the floor, staring at the pipe leading from the furnace, transfixed.
Just about the best part was when we started calling up pest-control people. The first person we called said "gee, I don't know *how* you're going to get him out of there!"
Umm...isn't that supposed to be the job of the "experts"?
57. shannon said:
I'm filing this one under "Must read when having a crap day"
Thanks for the (deep belly) laugh!
58. Ben said:
A Dooce post about Chuck AND racoons? I think that's a magical trio of greatness!
I somehow think that my wiener puppy would just cower in fear versus actually alert me to the presence of danger or adorable wildlife.
59. Gina said:
This was a fantastically written post and the pics complement the tale wonderfully! I "stumbled" it for you, btw. :)
60. Tara said:
this is a GREAT story.
but aren't chimney sweeps supposed to be skinny 12 year old boys? or is that just in Dickens?
61. Erika said:
Oh, also--when the people who knew what they were doing showed up and set the squirrel trap, I asked them what they'd do w/ him when they caught him, and they said they'd take him to the other side of town and release him so he didn't make his way back to our roof. And I said:
"Oh, but won't he miss his family?"
Somehow, I think these guys deal w/ crazy people on a pretty regular basis.
62. Tori said:
Holy crap batman.
That's one big friggin raccoon.
63. katie said:
After I read the hint in yesterday's daily chuck photo, I thought for sure it was birds. But a racoon? THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER . . . well for me, maybe not so much for you guys.
In university I lived in this basement dive whose entrance was through the garage. An entire family of racoons decided to make their home right there in our warm, garbage filled garage. It was cute for a little while, watching them tear apart our garbage with their tiny hands, but after about the third time I had to crawl through a window to get into my apartment, I changed my mind and called my landlord.
You should pimp Chuck out as some sort of super detective. I'd pay.
64. SarahThe said:
HOLY SHIT. That thing was HUGE.
65. April said:
I'm glad the raccoon was able to escape unharmed. I was unfortunately in Chuck's position once... sitting next to our fireplace and hearing something large scampering around inside. Nobody believed me. When I finally convinced them I wasn't imagining things, the landlord called animal control, who then euthanized the poor beast over my vehement protests.
66. daay said:
Yay Chuckles! Way to go!
I had a bird fly in my house come in through the chimney once. It was awful. Kept hitting the window, he so didn't get named.
67. Erika too said:
Feeling your pain, we've had several 'chimney incidents' over here.
68. Kiwi T said:
Chuck is awesome! I hope you charged the sweep for such a great experience and one to add to his list of things he's swept away...
We one had a lovebird fly down our chimney. We kept it in a cat box for a day but it somehow got out. Nowhere near as dramatic as your story.
69. Patty said:
I *love* the thrilled look on the chimney sweep's face. That's the look of his inner 12-year old shining through. Great set of images and story, Chuck is seriously a super dog.
70. Lanna Lee Maheux-Quinn said:
Wow, that was quite a raccoon. So glad it was a win-win situation, the raccoon got out safely, yet your house was unscathed!
71. doug said:
I'm just amazed that chimney sweeps can still find work in 2008. Aren't all chimneys required to be digital by 2009?
72. darr said:
Awesome Chuck!!
I read your blog all the time and send my college-aged son Chuck's page. I thank you for lighting up our lives -- both of yous!
73. Aaron said:
Is Lita worried that other animals might come out of the chimney?
74. alex said:
I once had an adult opossum squatting in my attic, so I totally and completely validate your motivating fear. From this experience I can also say with authority that woodland animals WAY STINK and evicting Percy was the only way to go.
Chuck knows his business, yay him!
75. Cappy said:
They're cute but you can't imagine the disaster they can wreak in a house, even a smaller coon than that. They can open cabinets & drawers & stuff like a person.... I knew an old (senile) lady once who thought it'd be fun to have 2 pet coons in her house. They destroyed the kitchen in about 5 minutes flat. Every bag of flour, sugar, beans, boxes of rice, sacks of potato chips, cookies~~ you name it, they can open it. I went to try to help her herd them out her back door & the little hooligans were throwing things at me & chittering like maniacs. And they can also be vicious if they feel cornered or threatened. I had a friend whose dog was killed by a large racoon. And bite? Hell, yeah. And claw & scratch, & then yeah~~ there's the poop factor. And it's nasty poop too.
76. Hilary said:
Oh dear.. I sure can relate. Make sure there have been no babies left behind, and following that, that all vents are covered with screen to restrict its return. I just finished a three-post account of my story. You got off easy! :)
Start with this post http://thesmittenimage.blogspot.com/2008/03/things-that-go-bump-in-night...
and then follow up with the next two. I'm still in a state of disrepair.
77. Nickki said:
Truly supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (ok, I caved and checked Google for the spelling but only after I had had a good go at it myself). I think its the 'one leg, then the other' that got me in a state of giggles. And I'm so so sorry, I promise that on Sunday, it will be on my list of confessions, but I really did picture your shocked face and what the neighbours might say as they peered over your lifeless body had Percy decided to make a dive.
Chuck rocks, you don't need telling that. But can you imagine if the racoon had fallen down the inner chimney and landed on his head? That would have been one amazing photo. Better than the grapes and that particular photo had me reaching for my Merlot and toasting you across the pond.
78. Jenna said:
GOOD BOY, CHUCK!!! lol. how long did this go on again? ah, well. bye, bye raccoony.
79. jac said:
totally awesome. that was one for the books. hmmm .... maybe your next book should be about chuck and his amazing powers?
80. Nicole said:
My father is convinced that a horse ate our dog. Perhaps Chuck's fear of horses proves this theory?
81. Scale Junkie said:
Chuck was having visions of that thing coming down the chimney and stealing his treats to feed the 27 babies it looks like its about to have! That thing is HUGE!
Way to go CHUCK!!
82. Lottifish said:
I think Chuck deserves a cookie.
83. Julie said:
Only in the Armstrong house! Great pics and way to go Chuck!
84. James | Double Danger said:
Now the twitter comment makes sense. Awesome. Chuck is top notch.
85. Ely said:
We had a really similar situation in which a huuuuge raccoon lived in a garbage can outside of our house...and every day our dog would growl at it at night when we'd take her out. We'd always kid around, like "ha what a funny dog...growling at the garbage" until one day my dad opened the can to throw something out only to discover why the dog was growling.
great story though!
86. linda said:
Reminds me of the time my two cats were scratching at the fireplace glass screen, only to have me realize they were merely planted in front of the fireplace staring intently at the screen. The scratching noise? It was coming from deep within the chimney. Of course I was home, alone, on a Saturday morning. Several phone calls and hours later the chimney was minus one very annoyed squirrel and we were the proud owners of a stainless steel chimney cap.
87. The Introvert said:
Makes me wonder why my dog is terrified of the church pew we just salvaged from my great-great-grandfather's old church. Of course, he's also scared of certain doorways...and loud noises...and vegetables.
88. angela said:
So, you're saying that when my dog starts barking and clawing at the livingroom window I should pause the TV and actually go investigate? Are there snacks involved? My only motivation is the possibility of snacks.
89. andrea said:
My husband had the same thing happen years ago when he lived in SLC. Every time he tells the story I have chimed in with "what was the big deal with him living in your chimney" or "raccoons are cute animals" and he's never had the patience to explain to me the real reasons one does not want raccoons in their chimneys. Thanks to you and Chuck for clearing that up for me.
90. junewell said:
Chuck deserves some kind of major reward for this. I suggest that you balance something on your head and let him take a picture of you.
91. Sheila said:
I'm confused. How does a raccoon LIVE in a chimney? Where does he rest his little raccoon head at bedtime and how does he keep all the remotes from sliding down the chimney? Raccoons are magic, I am thinking.
92. Melissa said:
Raccoons are kind of cute to look at, until they try to come inside. We have them around my apartment and when I tried to shoo them off the birdfeeder one night, one acted like he would just walk in the patio door instead of leaving. *sigh* Another night, a couple of them were either fighting on making baby raccoons on the patio above me. Yeah...not a pleasant sound. It freaked my cats out.
This is the first chance I've had to comment on your site. I found it recently (just a little late) and read through all the archives. I only have a couple things to say, wash is definitely pronounced worsh and crayon is so pronounced crown, don't let anyone say differently. :)
93. KG said:
Dogs are so seriously awesome I can't even stand it.
94. Robin said:
I'm so glad that story had a happen ending with the raccoon going on its merry way. Chuck rocks!
95. Alison said:
Yay Chuck!! That is one freakin' large raccoon. And no, raccoon poop in your fireplace would not be pleasant. In fact, the word "ewwwww" comes strongly to mind.
96. Eater's Regret said:
Is it totally weird that I thought the raccoon was adorable...
Ah I know they are all diseased and stuff, but I work as a copywriter for a toy store and we have raccoon plush toys and I have to write about how cute they are and why you should buy them. I am incredibly glad he got out okay and lived to terrorise another family.
P.s Chuck man, you rule!
97. anise said:
way to go chuck.
98. Amanda said:
I promise you that this is not as bad as finding a whole family of raccoons...and they managed to make into the house not just once, but twice!!
I woke up one night to sounds coming from our den. I thought it was my younger brother (I was living w/ my parents at the time), i was meet w/ 2 sets of beady eyes. I screamed and ran into my room, and called my father from my cell. apparently I scarred it and it ran into the basement. We chased it out. we thought end of story...
except 2 mornings later, my dad came down stairs to find the raccoons fishing in our fish tank (again in the den) - we chased them out w/ an empty wrapping paper tube - figured out that they were actually coming in through the furnace. We blocked the door to the furnace and called the chimney sweep. They are scary little creatures
I'm glad that you listened to chuck before it came down the chimney!!!
99. Vi said:
Just keep a look out. They come back.
I had to have my attic done 3 times. They are crafty creatures.
100. Justin said:
Dude! You. Freaking. Rock. Thanks for having this blog. I totally love you, in a BFF kinda way, not psycho internet stalker kind of way.
101. Slonik said:
Uuh, what is butt grease? Not a native English speaker here, help me out. Are we talking about poop?
102. Kate said:
Yeay! Chuck!
Dogs are awesome in general.
103. Sue at eLuckypacket said:
Pity it wasn't a baby hippo ... might have had trouble getting down off the roof. Though I'm thinking someone might have stood on the sweep's head to help it down!
104. kate said:
Holy Moses. I haven't seen a raccoon that big since I lived in Oakland. My sister and I would regularly wake up and hear raccoons on the roof and in the backyard. One night I flipped on the backyard light because the racket was unbearable and there were four enormous raccoon couples having a raccoon orgy. They all stopped for a moment, stunned by the light and shrieked. Ewwwww!
Way to go Chuck! I can only hope my dog is that observant if we get anything in our chimney.
105. Liz said:
Ugh, that's so not nice. Ew. Glad you got that taken care of.
106. Meredith said:
The pic of that raccoon peering at you over the chimney is priceless. With a name like Percy Twinkles. . . I can only imagine him muttering "Buggar . . " under his breath . . .
107. Patti said:
Is it just me or does your chimney sweep resemble Gilbert Gottfried? Funny story!
108. SEAslug said:
uhh...Shouldn't there be a postscript to this story? One where you tell us that the chimney sweep attached some sort of mesh covering over the chimney to prevent future visits from the raccoon?
In any case, way to go, Chuck!
109. Chookooloonks said:
I swear to God if you were a black girl you'd be me. We have raccoons in our attic right now AS I TYPE. Send Chuck over immediately.
110. Frankie said:
OMG how cute! I have a thing for racoons.. no, not *that* kind of thing, you know, like an "I want to squish them and love them" kind of thing... Yeah, that still sounds bad.
How about this?: Go Chuck!!
111. shaunacon said:
That is the best story I have heard all week. I also love that you were able to get photos of the whole thing (seems like something me and my husband would do).
112. naima said:
ewe. we once had a FAMILY of raccoons in our chimney one winter - a poppa that would come and go & the mamma & two babies. cute. but ewe.
113. naima said:
ewe. we once had a FAMILY of raccoons in our chimney one winter - a poppa that would come and go & the mamma & two babies. cute. but ewe.
114. Femtastic said:
So STINKIN' cool! I'm very glad to hear that there are others who would, at least initially, be excited at the idea of a pet raccoon living in a seldom-used chimney. (love the name, but I'd have gone with "Senior Fabuloso, King of the Brick Forests", (fabu for short) Or possibly Steve. Steve the Raccoon. Either would be good.
Now I wanna go home and check my never-used chimney for wildlife excitement.
115. DangerMonkey said:
Ah, the ol' raccoon-in-the-chimney trick. When I was growing up, my next door neighbors found a whole family living in theirs- babies and all. Sure, at 8, raccoon babies are adorable. But then you realize how freaking nasty they can be...eeek.
116. Lorrian said:
Yay Chuck for discovering the intruder!
Yay Heather for wanting to adopt it!
Boo Jon (just kidding) for wanting it to move on!
Fabulous set of action shots. Great story!
117. Felicia said:
Cute! Yet dirty. Oh my God, you have leaves on your trees??? You are so lucky. I'm still trudging through the effing snow.
118. Leonie said:
thank you for this post, I laughed so hard i cried a little.
and I'm glad Percy's gone.
119. Anonymousss said:
I am such a bad blog reader, I read that post and said "heh, theyve got a racoon in their chimney" Then moved on.
I will find a suitable punishment. Maybe leave the sugar off the top of my muffins or something.
120. Carrie Jo said:
I love the 6th pic with the raccoon just peering over the edge of the chimney. It looks like he's saying, "Well jeez, you didn't have to be so rude about it!"
121. sikantis said:
Animals could get the same esteem as we human beings get.
122. Laura said:
That Chuck, he just slays me every time.
If he ever starts staring at the toilet bowl, ya'll better call in a snake handler. ;)
123. Captain said:
You are far braver than I...
124. Kate said:
There is so much awesome and funny in this post I don't even know where to start. I can only imagine Leta's horror when she realized there was yet ANOTHER furry creature living in her house.
125. Diana said:
I agree with everybody else: fantastic pics! Kudos to Jon for those.
I also never realized the climbing ability of raccoons. I think perhaps Percy is a Spider Raccoon. Doing whatever a Spider Raccoon does. Including scaling your house.
126. Aimee Greeblemonkey said:
I'd be looking for a new house right now.
127. Paula said:
Too freaking funny! Raccoons are cute, but destructive. We waged war with them for years, until we finally had to get an electric fence because we were tired of funding their sushi habit (pond+fish+raccoons=no fish, no sleep) They are furry stomachs with opposable thumbs and will investigate any food-based opportunity! I have seen them use doggie doors if they know food is inside.
Unfortunately they can be really dangerous to people and pets and frequently carry rabies and distemper. If he shows up again I would have someone (do you have a Critter Getter in Utah?) come out and remove him.
128. Tim said:
Funny you mention this. We've been having a similar problem lately. My dog does not normally sleep with us. Except when it is cold. Or when we are weak.
We also just moved into a new house that doesn't have blinds on the floor-to-ceiling windows in our bedroom. Because, we have no neighbors. And it rocks.
So she had become a bit of a persona-non-grata because she started waking up at 4am and barking her head off at the windows. I figured it was one of the 1001 stray cats in the neighborhood. So I would shush her, and stuff her under the blankets until she shut up (she's a dachschund and likes to burrow, she likes it!). I should mention that I have horrible vision at night, and I sometimes walk around with my eyes closed. Because there's not a lot of difference.
So one night, she was spending the night in her crate. I got up in the early morning to go to the bathroom, and I noticed a figure at the window. I figured it was a particularly brazen cat, but as I acme close it began shambling off. Not moving like a cat at all. It glanced over its shoulder with a look on its face that can only be described as shame, and I caught a look at its beady little eyes. It was a huge possum. Although, it was kind of cute in how ashamed it looked to have been caught looking in our windows.
Lucy and I saw it a few more times at 4am, meandering through the yard. My wife did not, as she would probably also have died.
Lucy found it one day under the stage in our backyard, and proceeded to bark at it a lot. But unfortunately the possum's habit of playing dead is a particularly good defense against dogs. My dog won't attack dead things, and so she just barked. Not able to completely believe it was dead, but also not able to attack it because it seemed so dead.
My mother decided she wanted to see the possum when she came to visit, but alas the possum appears to have shambled off to a better place to live.
129. Denise Vita said:
first a beach towel, now a raccoon. i wonder what you guys will find hidden in your next home if you should ever move again.
130. Kristin said:
chuck = teh awesome
131. doggie anonymous said:
Dear #101,
Butt grease is not poo... it is anal fluid from the anal glands. They are two small glands located on either side of your dog's rectal opening. Each gland holds a small amount of a noxious smelling liquid brown substance that your pet uses as something of a doggie calling card every time he potties. Squeezing a little every time he potties... thus saying... Fido was here.
Sometimes the glands do not "express" themselves properly and can lead to a huge build up of fluids. Unfortunately, dogs can "express" the glands quite in appropriately... like when scared.
And stink.... yeah... its bad.
132. Natalie said:
Wait, is that chimney sweep dude for real?
Love the pictures, what a cute little fluffball you had living up in your chimney. My mom and dad had a pet raccoon when I was just eensy beensy and it kept stealing the silverware and putting it behind the oven.
Of course, they didn't find out where it had all gone until the oven broke.
Little rascals.
133. K said:
GO CHUCK!
134. abbersnail said:
Great story! I want to name my future dog Percy.
Helena's comment regarding the mating raccoons was pretty awesome, too.
135. Michelle said:
Wow. Chuck. Is. Awesome.
That Coco fella he might be adorable but Chuck is truly Awesome.
p.s. what a great story
136. [michele] said:
This post made my day.
And this:
"My tear-away pants got snagged on my Union Jack thong and basically the funeral went downhill from there."
made my week.
137. jonesie said:
The furry creature is awesome...
But seriously the photo that sticks with me is that chimney sweep.
A more excited chimney sweep I have not seen.
Makes me consider a change of career!
138. Aisha said:
What a great story!
139. Di said:
This is why I read you...you left me breathless anticipating the denouement of the racoon adventure. I just hope you don't get a bunch of comments telling you how you were somehow cruel and disrespectful of this creature (who, it seems, was cruel and disrespectful of Chuck!)
140. Lisa said:
who needs tv.....the Armstrong's had a raccoon in their chimney and Chuck the wonder dog was on the case the entire time. Luckily, the paparazzi was there to catch it all. You all have all the fun. No more Princess outfits for Chuck. He has earned more manly attire.
141. Vanes said:
wow! I like how u wrote in detail about how the raccoon popped up, it just makes it look cute!
aww poor raccoon
142. Suebob said:
What a GOOD boy.
143. kate said:
Dude, it is YOU who has a heightened sense of awesome! Those pictures are super megatron awesome. I am jealous. I want a raccoon in my chimney now. (That sounds dirty.)
144. shanna murray said:
chuck so earned a heaping serving of bacon. you all did great, and it looks like the sun is finally shining in your neighborhood. maybe you could have a bacon picnic, and invite the chimney sweep along!
three cheers for something working out the easy way!
145. heighlo said:
AWESOME shots of the action.
I had similar situation last year with my dog except it was a possum under my house...who was finally trapped on Easter Sunday (my cat Newman was trapped twice and once with marshmellows - now there is a party getting marshmellows out of a long hair tom-cat's fur!). I was lucky to find a company in ATL that 'relocated' my Easter possum to a place the welcomes possums. I learned to listen to my dog too.
146. Jessica said:
Ah, the destructive power of the raccoon. My step-uncle had a summer house on the Lake of the Ozarks, which kind of went fallow after his divorce. In that time, a family of raccoons invaded one winter and took up shelter. By the time they were done with their winter vacation, the house was trashed beyond reasonable repair. It had to be taken down to the studs it was so badly damaged and in the end, he just had it razed as it was cheaper to do that then repair it all.
147. Meegan said:
Holy shit. My 18 month old toddler weighs a whopping 21 pounds. That is one BIG raccoon! Way to save the day, Chuck.
148. Amber said:
Just wanted to say I LOVE you blog!! And those are some amazing pictures!! You always manage to brighten my day. Thanks!
149. DesignGirl said:
Ha! That's awesome!
For our 1st wedding anniversary, I bought my husband a cement gargoyle -- the "winged dog". Weighs about 60 pounds. He used it to hold down the board that covers the top of our chimney (our fireplace has been deemed "unusable" due to some issue regarding it's lining, and hey, here in FLA, like we have ONE cold day a year that might be fun to use the fireplace.)
So now, we (1) don't have RATS coming into our house via the chimney anymore, (2) have an easy way to tell new friends how to find our house ("look for the bungalow with the glowing gargoyle on the chimney") -- yes, my husband the electrician actually installed solar lights on the roof that illuminate him, and best of all, (3) it scares off those pesky Jehovah's Witnesses that LOVE to come knocking on our door at 8am on weekends. Ahhh, after years trying to come up with some fool-proof way to ward off those briefcase-and-umbrella, tract-carrying, won't-take-no-for-an-answer folks, we've FOUND it!!! No longer do we need to answer the door in our birthday suits ... they look up, see the gargoyle and scurry past our house!
Are there JW's in Utah? Or do the Mormon's like have street fights with them 'cause it's their turf? :o)
150. Liz said:
Chuck is a modern day hero like Lance Armstrong. Also, your Chimney Sweep looks like Val Kilmer. I love him already.
151. The Domestic Goddess said:
Thank goodness for the Internets. I mean, how else would you have known to check the inside of your chimney for vermin? You may have found out the hard way, like my neighbors. As in, they lit a fire and ended up with cooked squirrel.
Good boy, Chuckles!
152. Jessica said:
It's quiet in the reference dept tonight, so I am sure everyone was wondering just why the Hell I was pointing, laughing, and gasping at my computer. That first photo of the raccoon footie just about did me in. Glad Percy made it out safely, glad he didn't poop on Chuck's head. Chuck Rocks - as you well know.
153. Joe Crawford said:
Animal Sleuth starring Chuck(R) of Dooce(R)!
I promise to watch once it hits Animal Planet.
154. Jen said:
Is it me or is that chimney sweep just a bit too excited about his job?
Chuck rocks!
155. Enjolie said:
haha, delightful story and lovely photographs.
but don't underestimate the raccoons! i lived in berkeley for a while and dear lord those things are terrifying. a small pack of three could easily take down an adult female human.
in fact, even just one on one i found myself often running For My Life. i could see it in their eyes; they spotted me and thought "dinner?"
156. EvilScienceChick said:
YAY CHUCK! He's the hero of the week! You should rent him out to people to see if they have creepy things tucked up in hard to reach crevices. Like ovarian cancer!
157. Inothernews said:
OMG! The Internetz were right about something? Does this mean you should start believing you are a bad parent? This sets a whole precedent I am not yet ready to accept.
158. Lisa said:
I should keep an LOL-meter when I read your stuff. I thank you for that--you make me healthier with the guffaws you give me. I've preordered your book and am anxious for its arrival. Two words to sum you up: you ROCK.
159. Anna Sayre said:
Best. Chuck. Story. Ever.
Do you think these insane things happen because you blog, or do you blog because of the insanity?
160. Heather said:
YAY! Chuck is a hero!
161. John said:
So are you going to treat Chuck to some type of doggy spa for his bravery? Some sort of treat?
I think a day of pampering is in order.
162. Teri said:
Hey Dooce... you are TOO COOL!!! Love the story! Love ALL your stories and the Blog!!
~Teri
163. tami said:
Did the sweep put a chimney cap on?
164. girlwiththemask said:
I hope you have rewarded your pooch accordingly!
G.I.M x
165. Undomestic Diva said:
If you think a skunk smells bad, [shutter] you don't want a raccoon nesting anywhere near you. They're cute, yes, but smelly little flea-infested nightmares.
166. Terry said:
Yeah Chuck! Saved the family from Rocky Racoon!!!
Good Boy!
167. DiaryofWhy said:
Coolest. Thing. Ever!! Great pictures, too.
168. Anonymous said:
My parents' poodles (2-one white standard, one black mini) recently alerted them to rats in the attic and by the fence they share with their neighbors. The neighbor has caught 17 large rats(gag!gross!)in a trap next to the fence. Nothing is scurrying through the attic making the oreo dog twins howl in the middle of the night any longer.
Here in the boonies at my humble abode we have two outside dogs (Wilhemina & TinkerBell) that alert us to coyotes, racoons, snakes, possum, cats, and skunks. Unfortinately it is often in the wee hours of the night and by the time we get downstairs and outside it's too late to take any action. And often the skunks have taken their own unfortunate action. nice...
Chuck rocks and so do you. Thanks for the smiles.
169. SarahD said:
The little foot creeping out backwards in the 4th shot is killin' me!
170. This Girl Remembers said:
Nobody tells it like you do, Heather.
And I love - LOVE - that the raccoon came out butt first. That little leg in the air in that first shot of him still has me chortling.
You have to figure it was a rude interruption in his raccoon schedule to have a big pokey thing show up and start shoving him up the chimney. The photos just clinch it - that sucker was pushing BACK. The chipper chimney sweep won, though. Score!!
171. winecat said:
Good Dog Chuck. Trust me, you really, really don't want a raccoon to get into the house!
172. Melanie said:
"[...]Suddenly an inconvenient grease shot out of his butt" made me guffaw. Because I have been there. And it is utterly, utterly gross.
Awesome shots of the raccoon, too. And I second JayLene - here in Oregon, raccoons = teh rabies.
173. Amy said:
That raccoon is huge. Also, did Pixar supply your chimney sweep? His expression is oddly animated.