Chuck's heightened sense of AWESOME!
Last week I posted a picture of Chuck with a round swath of soot on his forehead and explained that for the last two weeks he's been standing with his head inside the fireplace for hours every day. But because we couldn't hear anything or smell any rotting carcass I just assumed that it was a new habit of his, an adorable habit, and when I walked into our bedroom to find him just standing there silently, his entire head and neck disappearing inside the top of the fireplace, I was all, how cute is that dog? WHO'S A GOOD BOY WITH HIS HEAD UP THE CHIMNEY!
But many of you sent me email to urge me not to take such behavior lightly. Do not ignore your dog, you said. Your dog is trying to tell you something, you said. And then you started sending me stories about how your dog started barking at the fireplace and two days later your entire house was filled with bats. And that's all you had to do, mention the bats, because if it could be bats then it could also be a family of squirrels. And if it could be a family of squirrels then there's no reason it couldn't be AN ADULT OPOSSUM. And if that was the case then I was going to call up that restaurant in Austin that puts bacon in their refried beans and order a serving for 12, because the guests at my funeral were going to be hungry after seeing the frozen look of horror on my dead face.
So Jon called a few chimney sweeps, got some bids, and scheduled someone to come out and take a look at our chimney on Friday morning. And a few hours before he showed up Chuck went from standing silently near the fireplace to growling at the fireplace, code for: I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT THIS. Chuck only growls at Coco when she's trying to steal a rawhide bone out of his mouth, and maybe sometimes at horses, okay definitely at horses, because there was that one time I thought it would be funny to drive slowly by a barn to see how Chuck would respond to all the animals. And he growled, all right. But he was also so scared of the horses that suddenly an inconvenient grease shot out of his butt, and because he was sitting in my lap at the time that butt grease ended up on my shirt, and in that instant I was very upset that humans were born with noses.
The chimney sweep showed up later that afternoon and found nothing in the chimney connected to the fireplace in the living room. However, when he inspected the chimney connected to the fireplace in our bedroom he let out an exclamation of excitement, ran upstairs and said, yeah. There's a raccoon living in your chimney. And he is rather large.
Then he said that once he nudged him a bit with his tools the raccoon would either a) fall off the chimney or b) run away scared. Let's look at these options for just a second. A) There is no way a raccoon could survive that kind of fall, and b) B doesn't even matter when A is a possibility. So I said to the chimney sweep, look, I am not about to let you go around killing wildlife, can we just let him continue living in our chimney? All he wants is a few warm cuddles, why not leave him alone! We could adopt him and let him sleep in our bed! I'd name him Percy Twinkles Armstrong and take photos of him wearing Keds.
That's what this family was missing! A raccoon! THAT WE COULD ANTHROPOMORPHIZE.
The chimney sweep looked at me and then looked at Jon like, ummmm... And that's when Jon was all DO NOT PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE INSANE WOMAN STANDING BESIDE ME.
So I guess there are all sorts of reasons you shouldn't let a raccoon live in your chimney. Who knew? I won't get into that long list here, but one bullet point on that list is the fact that the raccoon would use your chimney as a waste receptacle. That's all I needed to know. If that's not a good enough reason for you then you should probably go out right now, adopt a puppy and let her poop all over the inside of your car. That bullet point will instantly make sense.
Now, I haven't ever been a chimney sweep, but I imagine they see all sorts of wacky things inside people's fireplaces. Birds, nests, that uncle who went missing, so you'd think a raccoon wouldn't be that big of a deal to him, right? WRONG. When he saw us heading outside with our camera I think he realized, dude, I never get to see the animal scurry out of the chimney. I bet it's more awesome than NASCAR. So he went and got his camera, screwed it to a tripod and set it on our neighbor's fence. I don't know why that made me so happy, to see him so excited about it, maybe because a situation like this was exactly why he became a chimney sweep in the first place. Or I guess he could just be a huge fan of soot.
So he grabbed all his equipment and headed down into our bedroom while we stood out in front of our house waiting for some crazed raccoon to shoot out the top of our chimney. Five minutes later he ran out the front door, breathless, and said, "DID YOU SEE IT?"
Um. No. The invisible raccoon managed to escape unnoticed.
He scratched his chin, said he'd go back down and nudge him a little harder, and thirty seconds later we saw a foot:
And then another foot:
And then the whole raccoon emerged. Indeed, he was rather large:
I held my breath waiting for him to fall to his death, but he just sat there and peered at us over the top of the chimney:
This went on for what seemed like hours but was actually only a few minutes, the raccoon sitting calmly on the chimney. I wished so badly that I knew what he was thinking and came to the conclusion that he was assessing whether or not he could take us. Should he climb down and find another place to live, or would it be worth it to jump off like a flying squirrel into my face, just to watch me die from shock. He was weighing his options.
And then without provocation he turned and slowly scaled the chimney down to the roof and off into someone else's life:
The chimney sweep estimated that the raccoon weighed anywhere from 15-20 pounds. That's bigger than Coco. That's bigger than some toddlers. Internet, I think the lesson we can all learn from this is TAKE YOUR DOG SERIOUSLY.
(all photos taken by Jon with our telephoto lens)
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
303. Lori said:
Having been chased by a raccoon when I was young and also seen the Little House on the Prairie episode where Laura got bit by a raccoon and the whole family waited for days hoping she didn't have rabies, I would immediately grab my dog and run out the door and down the street while screaming about the rabid raccoon in my chimney.
304. Sazzy said:
AWESOME one million times. You've got yourself a great dog there. He's full of chuckles! It makes me want to run and get myself a dog. Thanks for the morning laugh.
305. Wine Dog said:
Is that Tim the Toolman Taylor on your roof?
That was a pretty epic raccoon story, but you should know, my raccoon stories involve the SFPD.
306. Heather said:
Amen to that! About 10 months ago we thought our dog had developed hallucinations because he kept running around and sniffing at the floors around our bedroom. Then one morning we woke up and he had cornered a mouse in our bathroom, and was all, "Look what I did! I cornered a mouse! I am awesome! See me pointing at it?!! How cool am I!!" Of course, once we caught the mouse and gave him a treat he spent a week trying to find another mouse, since this was obviously his new trick.
307. Ross said:
I really enjoy your writing. Been stopping by for about six months. Really glad to see that you are successful in doing what you love. Hope all is well.
308. Judy said:
YAY Chuck!! Good boy! I'm with one of the above posters, I hope he got anything he wanted for dinner!
We had chimney swifts in our chimney one spring. They are Federally Protected Migratory Animals. Then they had babies...noisy, cheeping at all hours babies. Chimney sweeps can't touch them, and we had to wait until the babies were old enough to fly out vertically like Mom and Dad before we could clean the ickiness out of the chimney and hearth. Need I say that right after that we put a cap on the chimney??
309. Kate said:
Gooooooooooooood Dooooooooooooooog!!!!!!!!!!!!
[this entry makes me giddily happy.]
310. Anne said:
Amazing! That raccoon was huge! What did Leta think of all this?
311. Jill said:
I love the coincidence that one of the ads circulating on your site right now is for Mr. Raccoon's Pet Day Care (somehow this is for Toyota, I've not clicked through as that raccoon is too creepy looking).
Go Chuck!
312. Kriss said:
Wait - so that thing could have scurried down your chimney and into your bedroom?
I need to go take a shower now.
313. Erika said:
When my husband Ken was in high school they had a really loud raccoon in their attic. He named him Kuglor the Attic Dweller.
314. Annapolitan said:
I'm coming late to the party, but what a good dog! Chuck was protecting his family. Goooood boooy!
I'm not sure if you will get this far in the comments, but I am submitting this as a "you dodged a bullet big time."
A friend of mine, a nurse, came home one night to find a raccoon had crawled down her chimney and killed her Siamese cat's litter of kittens. My friend breeds Siamese and the queen (the mother cat) was so badly hurt by fighting with this raccoon that my friend had to have her euthanized.
My friend has worked in some of the busiest emergency departments in this state and seem some pretty awful stuff, but she told me that she couldn't stop screaming when she came upon the carnage in her house.
Raccoons are some of the nastiest motherf***ers on earth.
Chuck deserves a steak.
315. Erica said:
Awesome pics! You and your hubs take the best pictures! Great story too!
316. PeteLV said:
We at the C.L.F. (the Chuck Liberation Front) applaud the mighty dog that is Mr. Chuck.
Perhaps for this week only, we will suspend our operations to free Chuck from the daily humiliation of stuff being placed on his poor noggin...in fact, we will ask that, (against our better judgment), you place a nice, big juicy steak on his snoot, which then he can devour at his leisure.
317. Barbara E. said:
One of my favorite bits from "Annie Hall." The Reporter character was played by Shelly Duval, and Alvy, of course, was played by Woody Allen.
REPORTER:You catch Dylan?
ALVY (Coughing) Me? No, no. I-I couldn't make it that ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.
REPORTER You have a raccoon?
ALVY (Gesturing) Tsch, a few.
318. Kbizzle said:
I sat at my work desk reading and giggling, which turned into chuckling, then to full blown laughter. Thanks to Chuck my entire office thinks I'm crazy.
I love you guys!
319. Have the T-shirt said:
Yea for Chuck!
The only downside to this whole thing is that there won't be anymore pictures of Chuck with soot on his head. He looks like all those Catholics who come back from lunch on Ash Wednesday with a smudge on their foreheads.
Totally off topic....typing the word Chuck reminds me of the fact that my step father's name was Chuck, but as a child, I'd address all correspondence to him (greeting cards, special requests, complaints and suggestions) to ChuNk.
What a difference one little letter makes.
320. Kristan said:
Dude, that raccoon is sweet!
But not as sweet as Chuck. :)
321. Sara said:
Woohoo! Way to go Chuck!
I'm so glad the coon survived the eviction. And what a fatso of a coon he was! Are you sure Chuck wasn't secretly slipping him scraps?
322. Danielle said:
Chuck is a SUPERHERO! Seriously. He's like the modern day version of WONDER DOG!
And the raccoon.....I would've wanted to keep him too. Like you, I'm a sucker for all things furry, scaly, or otherwise.
323. Bold said:
CHUCK FOR PRESIDENT!
324. dewi said:
That is so exciting.
You can not make up the crazy shit that happens to you guys!
It's a good thing you're a great writer you really have a lot of juicy things to you to write about.
325. sue said:
Just in case someone else hasn't said this...
Do not forget to cover that flue with a cap or something, as raccoons do not like to give their living space up to easily.
Pesky little buggers.
oh, and be glad skunks can't climb.
326. Jen said:
Heather! I love urban wildlife stories.
A number of years ago, a raccoon take up residence in the chimney of my parents' home. With my room and my parents room on different floors both with the chimney on one wall, we'd constantly hear it scratching around in there like it was going to come through the wall. Sometimes you'd hear two of them snarling in there and the the smaller sounding one would go "ip!" and it would go quiet as if the bigger one had nipped it and put it in its place.
After about a year of this, we finally called AAA Wildlife and the man came one morning when I was sleeping in during an off day between exams. All of a sudden I awoke to a man yelling "YAAAAAGGHH!" He had just removed a raccoon from the chimney using a rod with a loop to lift it under the arms and was now checking for additional raccoons by sticking his head into the fireplace and bellowing a deep "YAAAAAGGHH!" to see if another would respond.
They then capped the chimney with their guaranteed wire thingy.
327. Jen said:
woo, Go Chuck! He's such a Rock Star.
328. Rachel in G-Vegas, SC said:
"an inconvenient grease shot out of his butt"
Hahahahahahahaha. I am about to have an inconvenient grease shoot out somewhere stifling all my laughter while reading you from work! :)
329. sumo said:
Did the chimney sweep have a fun accent or dance and sing on the rooftop? I'm thinking about having one come to my house just for that.
330. andrea said:
We totally had this happen to us, except the raccoon was in our attic and it weighed 40lbs! It sounded like a person was walking around in our attic. The pest guy supposedly caught it in a humane trap and released it at a wildlife refuge. Which I can believe because we heard it get caught in the trap, and then we heard it drag the trap (which sounded like a small refrigerator) around ALL NIGHT LONG. We simultaneously had rats chew a hole through the wall in our apartment, which we found after returning from Thanksgiving vacation. Our dog found them hiding in the bookcase and I'm not kidding you, she stood there pointing at the bookcase for a solid 5 minutes before we realized that maybe she doesn't want to read a book and is trying to tell us something. It was the only time she's ever proven to be useful. Good thing she can get by on her cuteness the rest of the time.
331. Laura said:
I discovered a raccoon in one of our window wells one morning last year. Freaked me right out. Called animal control and Officer Dogger (Seriously. SERIOUSLY.) came out and told me I would have to pay to have the raccoon removed. Even though it was big enough it completely filled the window well. To my daughter's room. Who thought it was thrilling to have a wild animal living on the other side of thin sheets of glass.
I called animal removal services and it was $200 to remove a raccoon. $200!! My children begged me not to hurt Bob, or make Bob leave. Bob the Raccoon. Bob did not personally care for me, as he would hiss when I would come near him. Luckily the evening of Day 3 he left and was never seen again. And I got heavy duty window well covers and weighted those suckers down with bricks. Bob has left the building and will not be returning.
I completely empathize with you. You are lucky you have Chuck. My dog NEVER NOTICED. But she's brain damaged, so I guess its alright. Sigh.
332. jenni said:
I had an adult opossum living in my basement in college. I am insanely jealous of your much cuter raccoon. Way to go, Chuck!
333. jenni said:
I had an adult opossum living in my basement in college. I am insanely jealous of your much cuter raccoon. Way to go, Chuck!
334. Amanda said:
Gasp! Your trees are green.
335. John Dickerson said:
We could have used Chuck in Iraq.
336. Cindy said:
Oh what a great story! The last time my dog did that persistent "sit and guard" thing, I found a petrified (as in out of fear) cockroach behind a chair leg. My dog was too timid to try to attack that damn insect, so I smacked it instead. The cockroach, I mean.
337. Anonymous said:
I love this story and all the pics. The most we've had inside the house is a mama mouse and her four babies.
338. daisy said:
Ug...Ag...Ohhh.. Dying of CUTNESS!
If it weren't for that itty bitty bullet point I'd so try to get one to move into my chimney. I could bait it with our garbage...
So fat and squzzaly!
Pant, pant.
339. Kristi said:
The raccoon is awesome, but I have never laughed quite so hard as I did when I read the understated "an inconvenient grease shot out of his butt".
I do love the raccoon story though, and thanks much to you and Jon for taking pictures! This was great! The little feet in the air is PRICELESS.
340. chicagolo said:
I lived in an apartment in Bloomington Il that was infested with racoons. every night for a few weeks my cat and I would huddle in my bed and watch the racoons parade through the house. They ate my lipstick and smeared it all over the bathroom, they trashed the place. Before I found out it was racoons, I thought the place was haunted. I was stupid when I was 19. My landlord was no use. I decided to just leave town.
they were coming in through a dresser that someone had built into an attic wall. clever rodents.
341. Anne Lindenfeld said:
YOU NEED TO PUT A GRATE ON YOUR CHIMNEY:
Here is Washington, DC, our nation's capital, we don't just have administrative vermin (aka "The W Problem") to worry about, we also have regular raccoon infestations. Next door, my neighbors had 6, yes 6!!!, living in their chimney. One big momma and 5 cute babies. Unfortunately, the house next door is also a group home for adult retarded women, many of them nonverbal -- so the raccoons had to go immediately. (Scenario: Retarded, nonverbal woman bitten by rabid raccoon, can't tell anyone, gets sick, let's not even go there, etc.)
After the buncha guys got done trapping and running off these critters, they PERMANENTLY AFIXED A METAL GRATE TO THE TOP OF THE CHIMNEY TO KEEP THE RACCOONS FROM COMING BACK.
Note ranting capitals.
Turns out, raccoons are smart and they don't like moving house. (Might have something to do with the astronomical real estate prices round here.) They also get pissed off and will enter and trash your stuff, if they feel like totally affronted. Example: Other neighbor locked raccoons out of her house after she discovered they would sneak in through an old vent and eat her cat's food at night. Mortally pissed, the raccoons then entered through a dog door and threw a box of pancake mix all over her kitchen and then dumped water from a dog dish all over, which made a nice coating of cement-like pancake mix throughout her kitchen. I am not lying. These critters are more vengeful than me after my husband has gone to work with the newspaper.
342. daisy said:
You may never get to this comment - but I'm nominating Anna's comment for Masthood -
"159. Anna Sayre said:
Best. Chuck. Story. Ever.
Do you think these insane things happen because you blog, or do you blog because of the insanity?"
Something like "Blogging because of the insanity."
Seems perfect, unless it has already been done, I'm too lazy to check.
343. amypt said:
That chimney sweep looks nothing like Dick Van Dyke.
344. Jenn said:
This was a very cute and funny story :) I'm glad the raccoon escaped safely.
345. Jennifer said:
As my husband said "This is why dogs are awesome!" I love how excited the chimney sweep is. If only we could all enjoy our jobs that much.
We lived in an old farm house in the country growing up, and had bats find their way into the house from the attic and an occasional snake, but never any raccons. I remember we started to notice a very not nice smell coming from the oven, and when my dad took the boiler part out he found a dead snake stuck in the gaps on the side and a dead mouse near the snake's head. As a kid I thought it was cool, but for days my mom would not go anywhere near the stove unless she had to.
Our yellow lab will go after anything that moves, and we can tell when rabbits are in the yard because she will obsessively trail them through the yard until she finds and scares them up. She's never fast enough to catch them before they get through the fence, but her dedication to the task always amazes me. If the rabbit is already gone she will spend a hour or so trailing and searching for it. Even the frisbee, her absolute favorite toy, isn't enough to disuade her.
346. Andrea said:
I hope Chuck got to see the raccoon...
347. Wendy said:
Go Former Congressman Chuckles, Go!
*Happy sigh*
348. StotheL said:
Great story - GREAT photos!
349. geekbride said:
HOLY SHIT!!
Chuck is a hero!!
350. Carmen Mettler said:
Good Dog Chuck! That dog deserves bacon for dinner.
351. scargosun said:
Being a recovering Catholic the first thing that came to my mind was "Chuck, it's not Ash Wednesday!"
This is probably my favorite post this year. I LOVE the play by play with the raccoon. BTW, is your chimneysweep guy famous now?
352. zeghsy said:
way to go chuck! coco definitely needs to study harder.
353. Carmen said:
Wow - chuck is so smart! Awesome pictures!
354. Hairy Weisenheimmer said:
So, I'm guessing we won't be seeing this any time soon?
http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s240/lostinthgt64/Racoon.jpg
355. Katie Kat said:
You had me at "Percy Twinkles Armstrong."
And dude, that chimney sweep guy was ummmmmmmm, DORKY or something? I think you were right; he lived out his life's dream as a chimney sweep right there in your own front yard. (*wipes away a tear*)
Poor Percy looked pissed. He's all "Fucking humans. I'll be back to get you... AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!" :)
356. birdgal said:
That is facking awesome. It reminds me of the time an ADULT OPOSSUM had her babies in the wall of an old house I was living in and my roommate's border collie KNEW there was something up. He would sit with his nose stuck into a small hole in our pantry area for hours at a time. Then, one day, I came home to two baby opossums in my bedroom. Fortunately, they played dead long enough to be escorted outside by me, a large glove, and a large shoebox. I was, how shall I put this, FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. Yeah, I think that about does it ;).
357. Lyndsey said:
I hope Chuck's reward was a whole pound of bacon! Dogs are awesome indeed!
358. Random Musings said:
YEAAHHH Chuck!!! What a good dog.
Now fudge I am going to have to figure out what the frig my dog growls at in the middle of the night in my closet...
I think she is just jealous of the shoes...
359. ScottR said:
Dogs don't only warn us of unwanted chimney visitors. They can also teach us how to catch frisbees with our mouths, and how to eat moldy cheese without gagging. I learn something new from my dog every day.
These amazing animals are truly man's best friend!
360. Shalini said:
Best Story Ever!!! I love the part where you said that you wished humans didn't have noses or a sense of smell when the "grease" from Chuck's ass happened... sorry .. fell off MY ass laughing! haha
I love picture of Chuck with soot on his face. He looks so proud of himself! I love that Chuck!
This has to be one of my most favorite entries to date!
361. Seren said:
Ah now, you see that's why you should live in Wales: no raccoons. We have had a bat fly into the living room though. We have a Scots pine in the garden that is home to several species of bats. But we love bats! We're batty about bats!
But good for Chuck! He is a smart pup!
362. Kathryn said:
our cat camped out in our fireplace for a week - turned out to be a family of bats living up there
fun times abounded
363. Dee said:
The love... The love I have for this story knows no bounds. Where do I start? How about with the "inconvenient grease" that shot out of Chuck's butt?
OMG. This grease is a frequent guest in my dog's behind, and it's the bane of my existence. "Inconvenient grease," INDEED. We don't call my Shug-dog "Miss FishButt" for nothing. It's a vile liquid. The gift that keeps on giving, if you will. The smell just lingers forEVER.
Question: Do they actually have 'possums in Utah? I thought they were a southern critter. :-)
Mr. Percy Twinkles was quite impressive, and I'm SO GLAD you got pix to share with us. Now, how the hell did he not fall when scaling your chimney?
Three cheers for the Chimney sweep & Chuck!
364. Heather said:
You just made my day brighter! I love the photos! Thank you!
365. jen said:
opossums are the devil, I despise them, they are beyond creepy. They used to run along our back fence and torment our labs. The sounds they make when they fight (to the death) is indescribably awful.
366. Philip Robert said:
This is the best Wednesday morning story ever! Obviously Chuck was spending all those days negotiating with the racoon and finally came to an impasse. Now you've done it you silly racoon. Now I'm going to go and get my humans involved, and Chuck growled.
367. Anonymous said:
Oh that is just too effing awesome. Chuck is such the stud!
368. Eathan said:
That's great. It could've been much worst. I've heard of houses burning down because of animal nests in the chimney. So consider yourself luck to have Chuck checking things out.
369. Mother Earth said:
during my first divorce part of the indifference my ex displayed was ignoring the scratching in the eaves of our study, i didn't have a dog to alert me, I just knew - something was up there and it was knawing at things and/or causing damage - when I called for assistance much to the chagrin of my ex - after all one has to pay for these services, heck i didn't see him climbing up a ladder, the guys found a huge mama racoon and 2 babies, it was quite the spectacle getting them out of there My kids could hardly stand the excitment of it all and those racoons were adorable!!
370. Lessie said:
I'm so proud of Chuck. *Good boy, Chuck!*
371. Michele said:
I thought maybe Chuck had turned Catholic, and had gotten ashes on his forehead for Ash Wednesday...
...or not!
372. kat said:
raccoons FREAK ME OUT. we had one for awhile that kept sneaking on our deck area and eating our pup's food.
good work chuck! he's the new lassie.
373. JennB said:
That alone should get Chuck at least a pound of bacon and a day off from his modeling session.
What a good boy.
I'm glad you didn't find out about the raccoon by having it snuggle up with you in the deepest darkest night. Ick.
374. Kelly said:
Well, if I ever doubted your many posts of Chuck's awesomeness this post now makes me a believer that he is a super hero dog! Way to go Chuck!
LOVED this post!
375. Liz said:
Go Chuck! I am so glad you photographed the entire thing. Aren't dogs great?
I want to be friends with your chimney sweep. He looks so happy!
376. Zenmomma said:
Chuck is too cool for words! We're buying a 100+ year old house. Could I borrow Chuck to go check the place out? It seems way more reliable than a home inspection.
Oh and this post proves that you deserve every award you are ever given. Your story telling is just perfect. I hereby crown you Queen of the Blogoverse.
Amen.
377. Anonymous said:
I just read Rachel Carson's book Silent Spring. She writes about the first discovery of carcinogens, which was when a British doctor in the 18th century made the connection between soot and the TESTICULAR TUMORS that chimney sweeps were having.
That raccoon totally is totally going to be riddled with testicular tumors thanks to the soot. --- That's my contribution to the world for the day.
378. Heather said:
I would have wanted to try to adopt the raccoon, too.
We used to live near a lake, and our back yard was full of trees. One summer a family of raccoons decided to spend a lot of time on the patio, and many nights I would look at the big picture window and see one of them just standing and looking in from outside while I was watching TV. Of course I wanted to invite them in, but my hubby wasn't keen on that idea.
Probably didn't help that I fed them on a regular basis...it got to the point where they wouldn't even run away when we were out there, and one night we were eating at the picnic table and they sat about 2 feet away just staring at us like, "Hey, why weren't we invited."
379. leila said:
Wow. Love the pictures. Further proof that Chuck is the awesomest. Like you needed it.
380. Shannon said:
I love every single thing about this post. Almost my favorite is the first picture of the raccoon sticking a leg out the chimney. But what trumps that is the chimney sweep. I could look at that awesome smiling man all day. I agree that he looks a bit like Val Kilmer.
Does he know that he's achieved internet stardom? I foresee a reality show in his near future. The Chimney Sweep Chronicles or something equally awesome.
381. Nate said:
This post quite possibly makes me happier and more laughy than any post on your blog ever, ever has. Way to go, Chuck!
382. Jannie Sue said:
Funny, Funny, Funny!
Thanks
383. Rose said:
That has got to be one of the greatest blog entries of all time. Those photos (of the raccoon, not the chimney sweep. He's not nearly as exciting) were fantastic.
This is why *I* want a dog :(
384. Gertie said:
I was totally riveted by this story!!! It was like a thriller or something! At the end, when I saw that picture of Chuck, I jumped up out of my chair and chanted "CHUCK! CHUCK! CHUCK!" my eyes welling up with tears like one might cheer on a war hero or a fireman or something.
385. Sundee said:
That stuff that came out of Chucks butt is his Anal Glands. I am an Animal Nurse and almost every dog wakes up from surgery and looses their anal glands, even after I have released the anal glands prior to the surgery.(nasty job) It is one of the most horrifying smells, especially when it ends up in your hair...and 6 showers later you can still smell it!
Crazy story! Great dog!
386. Rachael said:
Our dog started growling at our chimney once, and it turned out there were squirrels living in it. But squirrels are nowhere near as awesome as a raccoon!
387. Jill said:
Delurking to say:
1. That is an amazing story... one to tell the grandkids!
2. And an AMAZING set of pics to go with it!
3. Chuck rules, and
4. Jon's new lens is FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!!!!! Such amazing detail, I am really impressed.
5. I can't believe you deep-etched out the background of the first few pics. :-)
388. Cate said:
That is AWESOME! I have a similar story - every time we went over to our friends house, my dog would stare relentlesly at the bottom of their outdoor fridge. She would pace around all 2 sides of it, sniff really loudly underneath it, and just stare for hours at it. We never saw anything for weeks! Finally, one day, our dog was sniffing around and all of a sudden, a HUGE squirrel came barelling out from under the fridge! I screamed like a little girl, almost spilled my cocktail and jumped up on the outdoor couch. Those dogs are amazing creatures!
389. Marce said:
That is fucking hilarious! I can't believe how that racoon climbed down.
390. Are said:
I'm surprised he doesn't give GEORGE! the same treatment.
391. BigSkyMum said:
Our cat Mitsou got stuck in the ductwork of our new house and we called the furnace people. When I told them we had a cat stuck in the ductwork, they asked 'Is the cat dead or alive?' I told them she was alive and the furnace guy came right over and got her out. But I still wonder, why did they need to know? Is there a live animal guy and a dead animal guy? Does is cost more to remove a live or a dead animal? Do they remove the live animals before lunch and remove the dead ones after lunch? I still can't figure it out.
Anyway, good for Chuck, the jolly chimney sweep, and the protective caps.
392. Big Mama said:
This entire story had me laughing and clapping my hands. But the part about the chimney sweep getting out his camera and tripod? SOLID GOLD.
393. Heide said:
great story... great pictures... great Chuck!
extra bacon for you sir!
394. Linda said:
You are so funny, love your stories! You know, I feel like I'm guarenteed a really good laugh every time I visit your website. Thanks :)
395. Lullaby said:
Does this mean I should be worrying about what my cat is trying to say-she's been sitting in front of the dishwasher for two days now. And she does read over my shoulder when I'm on the computer. Hmmm, maybe Chuck has taught her something!
396. Nancy said:
Ahhh, critters in the chimney...I harken back several years ago on Christmas Eve when we attempted to light our fireplace for the first time that winter. My husband, I, and two children were planning to spend a Norman Rockwell-ian evening in front of the fire eating Christmas treats while watching a Christmas movie. Suddenly, hundreds...no thousands....no GABILLIONS of hornets came pouring out of the fireplace! It was like a scene from Jumanji. We screamed for the kids to run upstairs into a bedroom and close the door, as hubby and I armed ourselves with tennis rackets and rolled up newspapers. We swatted and smashed for a good 45 minutes before they were all dead. (We didn't even consider naming them and keeping them as pets.) The charm of our Christmas Eve setting just wasn't the same when our children came back downstairs to survey the little carcasses lying on just about every surface imaginable. The chimneysweep the next week was money well spent. (Although I was quite disappointed that he didn't even wear a top hat....)
397. Anonymous said:
hilarious post heather. thanks
398. Tana said:
Raccoons are murderous little bastards and would have no problem killing or taking at very least a good swipe ANY of your pooches. My cat is a bruiser at 14lbs and I wouldn't want one of them anywhere near him as they would kill him.
I heard a story from a lady once who kept rabbits. Raccoons would watch her whenever she went to open the hutch to feed them. One day, she came out only to find they had figured out how to open the hatch and then ripped the rabbits head's off. They didn't eat the rabbits but just left them for dead. Yup, that's murder kids.
We had a pair scrapping outside our boat the other night. I honestly thought someone was being murdered in the float house next to us but it was just two raccoons having a battle royal.Much blood was spilled.
Good dog that Chuck.
399. allison said:
I've been reading your blog for a couple of years and this is by far my favorite post. Hilarious and adorable. I super-love the great photo of your chimney sweep.
400. Shannon said:
THAT is most definitely the best story I've heard in a long time.
401. Mental P Mama said:
Chuck needs a raise. To think, he has been handling his baby sister Coco and raccoon-scouting simultaneously. Good boy!
402. Amanda said:
What a great story! I think racoons are scary...have you seen their claws? Good thing you got rid of it before it decided to play the Grinch next year at Christmas and take all the goodies.
403. J. said:
Too cute! The pics totally make the story. Raccoon AND a super-smart Chuckles, what a fantastic post.
404. Ava said:
Now, how am I supposed to sleep until our chimney gets swept? I've heard of birds and squirrels, but never a raccoon.
405. Jessica said:
That's one of my biggest fears. We have been at our house for four years now, and have yet to install a chimney cap. I think it might be time; I don't think my two 10lb midget cats could take one of those suckers. PS: Great photos. :)
406. megan said:
that guy's a goober.
407. Kerry said:
O.M.G. that was fun to read and the pics were awesome. Even more awesome would be BATS flying out of the chimney. So "The Munsters".
408. Lori said:
This is a great story! Way to go Chuck!
409. Nancy R said:
Man, and I almost left a lame comment that day about him keeping an eye on the Flue Network like in the Harry Potter books and maybe Chuck is really a wizard.
My brother had a pet raccoon that he adopted as a baby - it's mother had been hit by a car. The pads on their hands are very soft and they're so gentle when they're feeling things to discover what they are.
If he'd been tame you ABSOLUTELY could have had a new cuddle buddy.
410. Susan said:
Not only did I read this story twice, but passed DOOCE along to everyone I can think of. I love you guys!
411. MFC said:
Once my husband and I went camping and we forgot to put our cooler in the car before going to sleep. Racoons opened the cooler, all the tupperware containers and ate all the food and left the containers spotlessly clean. For the next two nights I didn't sleep at all, as I could hear them prowling around our tent, ugh!!!
412. Tara said:
I have an absolute terror of raccoons. I think if one was found in my house I'd have to move. Or possibly raze the house and rebuild.
Good for Chuck, saving all of your lives before the raccoon could give you rabies in the night!
413. Right Brained Gal said:
We had a raccoon in our attic who let herself in by making a hole in our roof. By the time we realized it, she had given birth to a whole litter of baby raccoons. Apparently they go to a warm place in early spring to give birth. You are lucky you didn't have baby raccoons falling into your bedroom. It was a mess getting rid of them as they were starting make themselves at home.
414. jen said:
thank you. reading your story (with bonus picture of the chimney sweep!) has been the best part of my day. and week.
415. George said:
This made my afternoon. Thanks for the great story, Heather. And the pics are the icing on the cake.
=]
416. Samantha said:
BEST.POST.EVER. The pics are fantastic - and Chuck is AWESOME.
417. Cashmere Addict said:
I'm in California and tell my husband all the time, if one of the dogs goes absolutely crazy over nothing, I'm running out of the house before the Earthquake hits.
Glad you were able to get rid of your raccoon so easily... Chuck is awesome!
418. Green Panther said:
I'm too ADHD to read all these comments, so this might be a repeat question ... but do you really call them "O-possum" in your neck of the woods?
Granted, I don't hail from a cosmopolitan area. But opossum sounds so formal and hifalutin' for an animal that dances an O-so-thin line between repugnant mammal and cold-blooded rodent.
Just sayin ...
419. Moda di Magno said:
Chuck is the awesomest former senator ever.
Please, PLEASE do a post of nasty comments along the line of "What idiot doesn't have a screen on top of their chimney?" or "Did you put raccoon chow in your fireplace?" or the usual brand of crazy that writes.
Oh wait, I'm writing. But I do not accuse! Actually, I'm pretty sure my husband just went out to feed the squirrels because he loves all animals. It's the humans he struggles with. See him here: www.thomasmagno.com
Happy the fireplace is safe to use again.
420. Anne said:
Awesome, indeed! (Big 'ole racoon! Your Tennessee cousins would have put him in a pot, but sending him hither was probably a good option. Leta would probably never eat stewed coon.)
Who's a sooty good boy?
Thanks for the second by second coverage, Jon!
I'll bet the chimney sweep gets lots of jobs from this!
What a great day at Chez Dooce!
421. Connie said:
Chuck's all, "So I get no raccoon for dinner? I did all this work for nothing? Great."
422. tanyakristine said:
aack! that is awesome! and thank you for being so concerned with the raccoon. I think i have rats and my Kody is not willing to point them out like Chuck probably would.
423. Meghan said:
Your chimney sweep kinda looks like John Edwards.
424. Madden said:
The chimney sweep guy looks like the biggest geek ever.
425. Naomi said:
Oh my god. What is lurking in our chimney? The cats have been hanging out in there for months... probably having parties with other species. I'm not sure I even want to know.
426. AnnaMarie said:
That was, like, the strangest birthing I have ever seen. And so freaking awesome.
427. Seaglass said:
Chuck and the "inconvenient grease..." agh, I'm still laughing. And--I'm sorry--that raccoon was totally adorable, even if it's better for all involved that he decamped.
428. Tim said:
Your pictures would have been so much more interesting (and graphic) had you hired the same chimney sweep my former boss in Layton hired when he had critters in his chimney. This fine sweep shot the raccoon, and all of its babies, with a long-barreled pistol as they ran away. From what I remember of the story, it was quite traumatic for my boss's young daughter. I guess any chance a Utahn has to use a gun, and they'll do so with gusto.
Love your blog. It frequently reminds me why I'm so glad I left Utah...
429. Wendy said:
Great job Chuck! We're all so proud of you
! Nothing like when a dog gets to show off his strengths.
430. firefly said:
We used to live in a circa-1870s Victorian house divided into 3 apartments, one to a floor. A mother raccoon got into the eaves somehow and had a litter of babies, and then started crawling around in the walls -- you could tap, tap, tap, and she would squeak back at you.
Then she managed to invade the attic apartment. One night we heard the woman upstairs scream at the top of her lungs because the raccoon had popped out of the wall in one of the built-in drawers where she kept her lingerie.
I guess the sight of a raccoon in a nightie was too much for her ;)
431. Carrie said:
Wow. Never have I ever been so proud of a stranger's dog.
Moreover, I'm glad that internet advice was finally of use for you, rather than all of it being of the caliber of those horrible messages you shared with us last week. Hurray for the sensible, sensitive readers of the internet, however few of them there may be!
432. verity74 said:
In the UK it's good luck to shake hands with a chimney sweep - did you get your dose of good luck?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chimney_sweep
(see superstitions section)
433. Katie said:
Chuck is quite possibly the coolest dog ever. Although, that raccoon was quite possibly the cutest raccoon ever. Who cares about raccoon refuse? He was adorable! haha.
I had a dog growing up that once alerted us to the stove being on in the kitchen. She came barking into my parents bedroom (where she was not allowed) and was promptly kicked out. She came barking into my bedroom, and I followed her downstairs, to find the kitchen stove glowing with heat. She saved us! Doggies should be taken very seriously. Especially Chuck. He doesn't want any raccoon stealing your affections. :-)
434. Dogmom said:
You know, it just has not been my experience that dogs cry wolf at all. There always seems to be a reason for behavior, any kind of behavior, and when their behavior is different from what it normally is, that's the time to pay attention. When you first mentioned Chuck's interest in the fireplace/chimney, I had thought perhaps it was bees -- that's happened to me before, and Belle just couldn't stay away from the fireplace, but I couldn't see anything up inside at all until I came home from work one day and there was a house full of the creepy things, and pretty mad creepy things at that! -- but I was sure it was something. So bravo, Chuck, keep on being alert and let your humans know when something's up! Yeah, boy.
435. Michelle said:
Jon + telephoto lens = awesome
436. Mina said:
Good Boy Chuck!!!
My cat, Mr. did the same thing. One day he became intensely interested in the laundry room, sitting vigilantly outside the door. If we opened the door he would shoot into the laundry room and look around, check everything out. He camped out by that damn laundry room for 3 days not even coming to the bedroom at night to huddle by the tiny heater to catch every drop of heat (he is a major heat seeker). On the 4th morning I went downstairs to find a poor mouse, squished. Still in one piece with just a little guts hanging out. Mr. knew. Just like Chuck.
Oh yeah, and that butt grease is the worst smell ever!
437. Franca Bollo said:
Next time you're in San Francisco stop by and meet the raccoons of Russian Hill. Before we installed a magnetic cat door -- precipitated by a skunk trying to pay us a visit -- we often entertained up to four in the kitchen some nights. The last visit was by a particularly brazen raccoon who showed up, alone, in the early evening passing behind me sitting at the kitchen table to get to the cat food. If I didn't mind losing my left hand, I could have reached out and patted his bristly little back Then I realized I was between it and the only means of escape. I struck my best lion-tamer's pose -- kitchen chair hoisted up in front of me -- and yelled until the raccoon changed his mind and s-l-o-w-l-y left.
And that last photo of Chuck is the best. He needs his own fan club.
438. Jenn said:
Chuck Rules! That raccoon was huge. The photos were awesome as was the tale of Chuck and Squatter Raccoon.
439. Marta said:
Too funny. Great set of photos!
440. Amanda said:
Dude! dudedudedude. I don't know if you'll make your way to this comment, since you already have, oh, about seven million in front of me. BUT DUDE. Okay, first, there is no such thing as a fall that could kill a racoon. And B: Cap your chimneys! I promise you that as soon as all the chimney sweep hubbub died down, that thing came back. Promise. That's his house and the only thing that will make him leave his house is, well, if his house is all boarded up and he can't get in.
Probably half of the seven million commenters in front of me have already said this, but yeah, I did have a raccoon infestation. The four cutest baby raccoons ever. EVER. Abandoned by their mother, even. Cute orphan babies! We would hear them on the roof and in the attic and inside the walls and set those humane traps thinking it was squirrels. We caught and released lots of really pissed off squirrels. And then there was that one time I was in the bathroom and one of the raccoons opened the door a crack and said, oh, you're in here? I'll wait! and stood in the hall staring at me. They aren't scared of people! They will come into the house! So, I just, you know, wanted you to know, a little jab in his ass isn't really going to do anything. Good luck with all of that!!
441. Annabelle said:
I'm more convinced than ever that I need a dog.
I hope my dog will be as awesome as Chuck.
Great story and photos!
442. Betsy said:
Raccoons are crafty, crafty animals. Cute? Yes. Destructive? Absolutely.
And as for Chuck? Perhaps a Coco-free day is in order. That is the most fabulous dog EVER. Coco must feel the burden of having such an over-achieving brother.
443. Willa said:
Good JOB, Chuck!
444. Jen said:
I can't imagine how many dog treats Chuck just earned himself!
445. RF said:
Heather -- Man, what a timely post. I got home today from dropping off my daughter and noticed my two cats sitting in my kitchen staring at the oven (more specifically, the space underneath). They sat there for two hours. I got on the phone and called my pest guys, and they are coming Friday to check it out. And I was going to cancel my service... Anyway, I'm not as nice as you are, though. Tonks and Tugger can have at it, as long as I don't have to clean up guts somewhere. That's what we pay them for, after all!
446. ChrisClark said:
I'm laughing my rear end off at this story. It's been a long day of stuffing envelopes over here in Boston, and I thank you very much for giving me an end-of-the-day chuckle.
447. filmfangirl said:
When I was growing up, my dog actually took on a raccoon who had ventured into our yard (clearly in a beer goggle induced haze, because what dumpy raccoon ventures into a yard with a ferocious, territorial canine in it I'll never know). It was pretty scary and yet, fascinating in a WWE SMACKDOWN sort of way. My dog won (purely by intimidation). She was fierce.
Cheers,
filmfangirl
448. Michael said:
That was a great and funny story! Thanks for putting a smile on my face today. I'm going to run home and hug our dogs now.
449. jlj said:
1. Chuck is awesome.
2. The raccoon was actually pretty awesome himself, and while it might have been a really great camera shot, probably it was best he didn't launch himself at your face.
3. The chimney sweep was pretty awesome. How great that he liked his job that much.
4. Bats are NOT awesome if they come in your house. I had a friend who had bats in her house. Once one flew in the toilet. Once one flew at my friend's face. (So, you know, attacking both ends and I'm certain there's a really disgusting joke in there somewhere) Once one had creepy bat babies in the fireplace itself. They can carry rabies. No. Just. No.
5. Chuck is awesome.
6. I loved this post so much it compelled me to make a list of reasons and post them here like the big goofball that I am.
450. Joceline said:
Um...I just became absolutely hysterical when I saw the foot emerge from the chimney. Good thing I wasn't there in person, or you would have had to stop taking pictures in order to cart me off to the asylum.
451. Egghead said:
Awww. Good work Chuck, good work. Great photos.
452. Cheynne said:
Your outlook on life is absolutely freaking funny.
453. Momma Sadalar said:
You're telling me you DON'T usually put bacon in your beans? Ma'am. I am disappointed. Beans+Bacon=HEAVEN!
454. Krissa said:
So did your coon use the ladder provided by the chimney sweep to climb down from the roof? I mean, how handy is that?!
455. Amber said:
This is an awesome story with great photos. And your chimney sweep is a dead ringer for Val Kilmer!
456. ...loveMaegan said:
You get the most amazing photos of Chuck! ...and the raccoon in this case :)
457. Lola Smiles said:
You da man Chuck!
Great play by play and happy the raccoon turned out OK.
458. Becca said:
go chuck!
I laughed my butt off when i saw the raccoon coming out butt-first!
459. Foxy said:
Chuck is a hero! By the way, Germany is awash with Nazi wash bears, the descendents of 2 pairs imported by Hermann Göring in 1934 to "enrich the Reich's fauna."
460. capello said:
damn it.
chuck is acting more like a dog and less like an emo kid.
what are we suppose to do now?
461. Jen C. said:
Very fun story and pictures. Smart dog. Have you considered creating a Chuck action figure? He could come with random items to balance on his head. And perhaps a raccoon.
462. Coon Lover said:
OK peeps, now you know why this is the best goddamn blog out there!!! Love this story .... love the pictures .... love Chuckles w/ the sooty forehead.
463. Stellare said:
Chuck is a true HERO! :-) and
How cool with a raccoon!
464. haus said:
Go Chuck! I hope he got extra treats for such vigilance!
465. Super Woman said:
What an AWESOME story! And great pics, to boot. God bless Chuck!
I have a feeling our Lab, Josie, would just squirt the anal grease and freak out if she ever sensed a raccoon living in our chimney. Damn dog.
466. Erin The Great said:
I guess if you get bored, you could grab some golf clubs and whack the various things that might continue to come through your chimney, back into your chimney. You could make it a point game. Certain points for size of creature and how far back into your chimney you are able to whack it! FORE!
467. jodi said:
We had a FAMILY of squirrels living in our attic. And I would only use a humane trapper, meaning one that wouldn't kill them, so it cost us a fortune to get them out.
But I ran a contest on my blog and the we named the squirrel chloe. Interestingly, the search term that brings most people to my blog is squirrel names. Who know so many people needed to name squirrels? I should start a business.
468. Chris said:
Way to go Chuckie!!! 20 more rawhide bonz for you!
469. risingraingow said:
Ya, you don't want to let a racoon live in your chimney. They are very destrctive, not to mention smart and oh so mischevious. You're lucky it didn't have experience with refrigerators or it might have travelled down your chimeny and been inside yours helping him/herself to all your goodies.
I hope you rewarded your pooch with some well deserved treats!
Wonder why horses struck him as so scary. Seems that dogs either want to herd them or run from them and there's not much inbetween. My horses think dogs and cats are playthings for their amusement. lol
http://risingrainbow.blogspot.com
470. Erin Rae said:
Chuck is a genius!!! and so is Percy Twinkles Armstrong for that matter for making the ever so wise decision not to risk his life just to eat your face off.
471. Maeven said:
I know it's early in the season for this...but if Chuck continues to look up the chimney...consider that the racoon may not have been a HE so much as a SHE...and that there might be babies....hopefully she was only establishing a nest for an upcoming but not yet birthed litter of pups....
ALso...get the top of the chimney capped with some sort of widlife barrier, to prevent a reoccurrence, even if there are no babies now, you don't want Mrs RAcoon to come back...
472. Andrew said:
I always wig out and get paranoid when my dog starts whining, barking, staring into nothingness. It useally ends up being a cat. But now I might investigate more. You know like those horror movies where the dog does act crazy, and they see a cat so they ignore the dog, then suddenly theres a chainsaw cutting them in half...
cough. Anyway, did the chimeny sweep guy check for babies? I don't know when Baby season is for racoons, but might be prudent to double check. :) thanks for the entertainment. Glad the raccon didn't kill you.
473. The Georgia Road Geek said:
I just found your website via "Geek Gestalt".
Nice website and love the raccoon pics.
Keep up the good work.
474. Maryeah said:
Wow! That is all very good to know, because we just bought our first house, and I probably would have responded just as you did.
Now I know better. Thanks, Chuck! (and Heather too!)
475. Linpin said:
Holy Balls! That is the BEST story I've heard in a long time! And the biggest raccoon I've seen in forever, well alive that is. YEAH CHUCK!! The best dog in the world!
476. Betsy Barron said:
That is a freakin' hysterical story.
477. standing still said:
Another episode in my never ending admiration of your Chuck and his powers of magic.
478. Jon Raynor said:
That racoon is setting up shop in your chimney. If it is a female, chances are she will have babies in there. We had one in our chimney and every night I could hear crying downstairs in our basement. Turns out we had 4 baby coons in the soot trap. Had to call widlife services to remove that and then put a cap on the chimney so that no more coons woudl take up residence. The babies were underfed so we guessed that mama went to the big garbarge can in the sky and left the young ones.
Definately invest in a another chimney cap if you can...
479. timmi said:
I love your life.
480. Danimal said:
My family had a racoon living in our chimney one year. She had her babies in there. We decided to let her stay. I suppose she felt like her babies were safe all the way down in the chimney. When they got old enough, she led them out and we never saw the racoon again.
481. Leta said:
1. I am glad that people emailed you- I must have missed that dog-head-up-the-fireplace post, but yeah, that behavior means SOMETHING.
2. Holy merciful goodness, that is a extra large racoon.
3. This was your best post in ages. I giggled my ass off. Chuck is supercute, and that raccoon, while a little scary, is also cute, the photos are great, and the story is hilarious. Kudos to you.
482. Nancy said:
Major kudos to Chuck! We had raccoons in our attic a couple of years ago, and they sounded like they were moving furniture up there. The pest control guy put very fine screening over all the attic vents and re-capped the chimney. Next morning we saw little black footprints on the outside of one of the attic vents, but no more raccoons in the house.
483. Creature of Habit said:
Awesome.
484. Joanna said:
If I could send something fun for Chuck to balance on his head through my laptop, I totally would.
I've never commented/written on your blog/sent telepathic messages to you, but I figured this was just a good excuse to... always love checking in on the shenanigans and especially the photography.
<3, a fan
485. Tony said:
Gave up reading all 302 comments. Just wanted to say that the coon in your picture is a great picture but it's at best average size - maybe on the small size of average. Trust me - they get a lot bigger than that (and meaner). I've got pix too.
486. cassie said:
and that's why i love dogs.
:)
487. Erin said:
I found this post absofuckinglutely hilarious, and your imagery is excellent all by itself, but the pictures . . . well today you and Jon outdid yourselves. Priceless.
Also I was glad to hear I'm not the only person to experiment with beloved pet and live stock. We drove our pooch right by a barbed wire fence where several cows were grazing leisurely- just to see how she would react. I was expecting lots of sniffing and maybe a few tilts of the head punctuated with some sloppy tongue smacks. Instead she barked her ASS off. She showed a side of herself I had never seen before. She was absolutely inconsolable until we had driven 3 miles and the scent of these threatening slothenly creatures had finally passed. The audacity of their total silence, the endless chewing of grass, it was just too much for her.
Why didn’t I bring a camera?
I also wanted to say congratulations on your book. I know, I’m a little late, but nevertheless.
Your writing is fantastic. Thank you!
488. Tipp said:
Dogs do rule.
489. whitney said:
i hope with everything in me that when i get married, my life is as fun and quirky as yours. you guys have so much fun. i can't wait to get a raccoon in my chimney. i only hope the chimney sweep is this dorky and badass so i can document the whole event. :)
490. squashi said:
Heather, I have been reading your site for four years now. I haven't missed a post. This is my favorite post EVER. Bless that lens! And great job with the photos, jon!
491. Nancy said:
omg. you're the new version of Grey Gardens. That just completely grossed me out. Thank goodness for Chuck. Otherwise you'd have a whole raccoon family living it up. whew.
492. Veronica said:
We have four cats. You would think, wouldn't you, that cats would be just as clever when it comes to discovering bandit raccoons living in chimneys? I hope so.
Though I'm not sure how they would alert us, and the black soot mark wouldn't be nearly as cute.
493. Anonymous said:
We once had a raccoon living in the willow tree in our yard. Drove the dogs insane and would shit on the trampoline. I hear raccoon poop can be infested so was mighty happy when the bugger moved out. (Yeah, we threw rocks at him when he was sleeping the day away..)
Good Chuck, good boy!
494. Krista said:
My husband and I saw a chimney sweep cycling to work in Poland last summer, and my husband told me to hold a button on my clothes. Apparently it's good luck to see a chimney sweep if you hold a button while you see him or her. Crazy Polacks. :)
495. Wacky Mommy said:
Well, thank Jesus you have Chuck and the Internets is all I can say.
Now I have to go buy my husband a telephoto lens, just in case we ever happen to have a experience like this to document.
496. Manic Mommy said:
Wow! That's a feisty critter. Both of 'em.
497. Robin said:
Chuck is indeed awesome!!
I once heckled a squirrel with the hose and it bit a hole in my kitchen screen window. It then was in the house and what did my cats do? Why NOTHING. Not a warning, not a look, NOTHING! It wasn't until I sat down to dine on my grilled cheese sandwich, that I saw something out of the corner of my eye with a black tail. I've been emotionally scarred from that incident ever since. Serves me right for the heckling I guess... :/
498. Areallygoodname said:
I was wishing I could be post 498- wishing up on a star!
I need a chuck of sorts....
499. reas Kroicowl said:
Ah, man. I thought I had you beat with my raccoon story.
Act I: I had one come through my kitty door at 5 in the morning. Heard his nails clacking down the hallway.
Act II: The husband installs a door (complete with tracks so it was removable) over the kitty door to keep cats in and raccoon out at night.
Act III: Raccoon is incensed. And proceeds to bust THROUGH the door. At 2 a.m. Bastard.
Act IV: Enter BB gun.
500. Random Lurker said:
Wow. That was an awesome story illustrated with awesome photographs. So glad I decided to check Dooce before shutting down for the night! Thanks.
501. Amy said:
Look at his widdle TAIL!! So fluffy and cute! If I had things like that in my backyard I'd pull on my khakis and change my name to Terri Irwin. But I only have earthworms and Monarch butterflies. Not super cuddly.
502. candacepants said:
I found your blog recently and absolutely love it. Love the sarcasm. The haters are obviously missing the humor gene.
And I firmly believe in listening to your dog. My dog usually never barks, howls yes, barks no. I have heard him bark 3 times, two times there was a strange man (utility dude) in my yard and the third there was a rather large bear under my deck. So, good boy Chuck!
503. Dawn in Austin said:
I just came in today after hearing of you from The Undomestic Diva. She was right, you're hilarious. Great story to start the day. And hey?! where's that place in Austin that puts bacon in the refried beans?? Sounds yummy!Count me as a regular. Thanks!
504. The Lisa Show said:
Awesome pictures! And poor, sweet Chuck. I want to smother him with hugs and kisses.
I just yelled at my husband from across the room, "Jeff, there's a raccoon coming out of Dooce's chimney!" He nodded disinterestedly without bothering to look up. Oh well.
505. Sally said:
Percy Twinkles Armstrong is so cute I could just pick him up and kiss him on the lips
506. Rosemary said:
ha ha ha, what a fantastic story. I have a very strange cat that tries to kill imaginary things. On several occasions she has jumped to attack the wall and fallen from the our second story (loft). Seriously, if there is something in our wall, you think she would realize that the WALL is in the way of her getting it!
507. Kate said:
It's nice to know that your readers are helpful every now and then, even if you have to put up with all those exclamation points and crazed, unmedicated fanatics from time to time.
Anyway, I loved this post. The photos were great. One question, though. How exactly was the raccoon going to fall? Off the roof? Or down into the chimney?
508. Anonymous said:
Good boy Chuck!
509. Shini said:
If cute raccoons like that are pests, then please let me have pests, since I don't have an uber cool dog like Chuck...
510. Angela Giles Klocke said:
So...sounds like a good time to be thankful I don't have a fireplace! Love all the shots :)
511. Denise Beck said:
Now what is Chuck gonna do for fun?
512. aja said:
and at that moment all of my paranoia would strike me dead.
513. Nic said:
Awesomely funny post. I laughed so loud at work that my coworkers came to check on me. I love the beans and bacon wake food reference. Ha! Love you, Armstrong.
514. Michelle & the City said:
HOLY COW! maybe i should pass along this story to my boyfriend whose dog continues to scratch and sniff at the same spot on the wall everyday? hmmm...
lol
515. Katie said:
Priceless! They are crafty rodents aren't they! I grew up in NE Colorado and grew up hating them since they'd eat all my sweet corn in my garden! Then I was stupid and ran one over in my new car and instead of it going under the tires, he went under the engine, caused over $2K in damage to my new car, and then had the audacity to roll around in the ditch, look me in the eye and run off, unscathed! Swear the thing weighed 30-40 pounds, looked like a beach ball! Glad you are coon-free! Fun times!
516. Kristine said:
We had a blazing chimney fire one year from creosote build up (amazing the things you learn when you purchase your first house... creosote... who knew?) and when we hired the chimney sweep, he actually showed up at the door in a top hat and sang CHIM CHIMNEY CHIM CHIMNEY CHIM CHIM CHAROO... the entire song. I stood the smiling while inside I was thinking, good lord, son. You couldn't pay me enough. Anyway, next time you need your chimney cleaned and you don't have a raccoon to make it exciting, spice up your day by hiring Chim Chimney, they are on 33rd and 3rd east and they might just be an acting troupe that also happens to clean chimneys.
517. Master of Space and Time said:
HYSTERICAL YOU GUYS !!
ALIEN LOVE PETS TOO !!
518. Renae said:
What a good boy! It almost makes up for the butt grease incident.
Speaking of dog butt grease, when my dog Grissom was young, like maybe 6 months old or so, he and I were sitting in the living room, it was a beautiful day out, so the front door was open to let in some light and fresh air. Someone came up the path but you couldn't tell who it was because of the way the light was hitting the screen door. Grissom started to growl a bit, the person behind the door growled back and barked. Grissom yelped, shot butt grease all over the place and ran down the hall in the other direction.
About thirty seconds later, he came charging back, barking his head off, like he had realized "oh yeah, I'm supposed to be protecting my mom!†By then my dad had walked in to the house. Never before or since have I seen my dog look so confused. Poor guy stuck by my dad's side the whole rest of the day, periodically looking up at him like "is it really you? Is everything ok?" It was pretty funny, but the smell...not so much.
519. mmilo said:
The cutest character in this story is the chimney sweeper.
520. Heather said:
I love it!! This story put quite a smile on my face, as I thought I was the only person in this world that could be deathly afraid of angry opossums and angry raccoons. That is crazy, glad you caught it on film! And give Chuck extra love, what a great dog!
521. Jerlyn Thomas said:
That is completely hilarious! I absolutely love the photos by the way!
522. jesse james said:
Reason #1,482 why my girlfriend and I need to get a dog! Coco has not been helping the case. Thanks for the leverage Chuck!
523. Laura said:
No kidding -- our beagle used to sit at our sliding glass door and stare at the stars (we thought). Come to find out, she was watching the huge family of rats that moved in to our apt complex. They'd run back and forth across the fences at night. We about died when we realized that we had, on many occasions, opened the sliding glass door for our dog to get a better view of the "stars". EWWWW!
524. Tsunami said:
Great pics of the Raccoon! Great post!
I couldn't help but wonder if the chimney sweep had a daughter, or son, or wife, or friend. Maybe they are bloggers themselves, and maybe they happen to read your blog. Imagine that they logged on today and read your post like they always do and then they saw the picture of the chimney sweep. How awesome would that be? Just a regular chimney sweep they would say, now famous beyond all comparison because of his picture on dooce.com . Now he is the world's most famous chimney sweep. This is the world I want to live in.
http://zendriving.blogspot.com/
525. Layla said:
YAY Chuck! He saved the family from potential rabies!! He deserves a reward.
The chimney sweep looks *way* too excited about his job!
Love the photos! God bless the internet.
526. Liz said:
Chuck? I'd kiss ya, but I have a healthy fear of butt grease.
527. Konabold said:
Hey I'll trade you my 2 COONHOUNDS for Chuck!
528. Judy Cotner said:
Is the chimney sweep man married? Would he like to be? Cuz he's HOT.
529. Shirley said:
Good boy Chuck!!
Raccoons look ubercute on paper but are awful, destructive little shits. They run rampant in the harbor near our home and are always breaking into people's boats. We've run into one that must weigh 40 pounds trying to get into our critter proof cans. Instead of running away like most animals, he gave us a total "Hey, do you MIND?" glare. It was funny and disturbing all at the same time.
530. Laurel said:
We knew we had mice when our dog started lying on the floor with her nose under the couch and her tail wagging. When we found mouse, er, droppings in our daughter's bedroom closet, we moved.
531. Courtney said:
While I'm super excited about Chuck and racoon, I have to tell you how sorry I am that he butt juiced on your lap. Our dog Basil is an occasional butt juicer. At least it wasn't on upholstry though - that's hard to clean up.
532. Sandy said:
That's awesome! My brother had an instance when he couldn't figure out why he was going through 50 lb bags of catfood like crazy - when his 2 cats didn't appear to be gaining any weight - he got up to use the bathroom one night around 3am to find his 2 cats cuddled up with a rather large opossum all sharing a late night snack from the cat food bowl...it was apparently living in a crawl space under the pantry...