Her tombstone will read WAS SOLD TO BUTCHER
While visiting the Palm Desert last week with my friend Carol I picked up a fancy hat at a local shop to help defend my delicate butterfly skin from the ferocious rays of the sun. No I'm not kidding, my skin is made of some sort of super flimsy pancake batter, and I was out in the sun for less than an hour with SPF 70 lathered over my entire body and I still got sunburned. Where do I go from there? SPF Sweat Suit? SPF Remain Inside and Look Longingly Out My Window?
So I bought a hat to shade my face and neck as we walked along El Paseo and window shopped, and I consider that a sacrifice because I don't wear hats. Hats are for women who can pull off puffy sleeves and lacy collars, and I wish I was one of those women but let's be honest. I buy clothes based on how well they match my sports bra. And here I was walking around with this swoopy straw hat jutting four feet off my head feeling VERY. CONSPICUOUS. and every time we passed someone on the street I wanted to stop them and say I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING BUT YOU'RE WRONG. And then lift up my shirt to show them my skin cancer scars and go THESE. THESE MADE ME DO IT.
But then we stopped at a bar and had three margaritas, because we were on vacation and would not be required to make decisions affecting the well being of certain small humans back home, and what do you know? A little tequila can make you reconsider your entire wardrobe. Why didn't I wear more hats? Hats are awesome! And it's kind of hot in here, why are we still wearing shirts? ALSO! WHO WANTS TO DANCE? Here, if I jump off this counter will you catch me?
A few hours later after the tequila had worn off I was still convinced that this hat was the best thing that ever happened to fashion, and days later when I was packing all my things for the plane ride home I decided that it was too precious to fold up and shove into the bottom of my suitcase. Instead, I thought, I'll go through the trouble of carrying it home, and for the next five hours I juggled it, four large magazines and a camera bag that weighed 180 pounds. It was an awkward plane ride made even more uncomfortable by the fact that the aircraft was so small that the only place to put the hat was on my head. And the brim kept knocking into the ear of the strange but patient man who sat to my left. My God, that man showed such restraint, and I would not have pressed charges if he had decided to take out a pencil and stab me in the thigh.
The welcome I received at the airport was incredible, but only because I had promised Leta that I would be bringing her presents. And when she saw me she ran up, wrapped her arms around my neck and the first thing she said was DID YOU GOT STUFF? The second thing was WHAT'S ON YOUR HEAD? And I was all Leta, I might look ridiculous now, but wait until you've had a couple martinis and it will totally make sense.
The following morning I lounged in bed a little longer than normal, happy to be back with my super cuddly husband and daughter who was occupied with the STUFF! I'd brought back from Palm Springs. I guess we were feeling cocky, because we normally have Coco on leash at all times so that we can keep track of her and curb her shenanigans, but we let her roam around that morning as we stole a few more minutes of sleep. That's a famous last word there: BUT. BUT WHAT? THERE ARE NO BUTS WHEN YOU LIVE WITH A PUPPY. You might as well just follow that word with THEN EVERYONE DIED or A HAMMER FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND HIT ME IN THE FACE.
In this particular instance that BUT was followed by this:
And two consecutive days of a dog trying to pass straw out of her ass.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
301. Clara said:
As the story progressed, the hat began to grow on me.
302. Christina said:
That is THE funniest thing ever!!! I can only imagine the poop pay back might teach her not to chew straw hats ever, EVER again.
303. Leslie said:
i can't breathe.... i snorted... ohhh shit. that was so damned funny and i can't catch my breath i am laughing so hard, coupled with a few snorts and those are hard to come by on me, so you know it was funny. ooooohhhhoolllyy cow.
304. Kel said:
OMG! You are absolutely fabulous at telling a story! I was not expecting Coco to eat the hat!! Anyway, I love your writing; you are awesome- and you can totally wear a hat. And that has nothing to do with the Rum and Kool-Aid I've been drinking.
When I laugh out loud like that, my kids always know who I am reading! Thanks for sharing.
305. Moshizzle said:
NOOOO! Not the HAT!!!
306. sarah b said:
ohmigod. Heather. The hat? great. Shades? check. Jazz hands? WTF? :)
307. babette said:
Hm. I wish you'd posted that a titch earlier. I came home with a mixed breed pup over the weekend. What have I done?
You looked FABULOUS in that hat!
b
308. Rachel said:
I think it's funny that the ad at the top of your page was a propaganda ad for the Mormon.org page...LOL
309. Anonymous said:
oh man, I soooo needed something to make me laugh right now. Thanks Coco.
310. Clayjack said:
You could switch to the always fetching polka-dot umbrella for your UV shielding. Plus, when retracted they make good dog prods.
311. Steph said:
Sorry for your loss, and I really hate to laugh at your expense, but I have had a HORRIBLE day and I needed that laugh, so thank you for your sacrifice.
312. kat said:
omg! did you know there was an ad for the book of mormon below your masthead? very funny!!!!
313. mel said:
Sorry about the hat. Just so you know, you totally pulled it off. Super cute!
314. Kitty Cat said:
You look great in the hat! I'm glad you realized it, and it was fun since you had drinks to do it...at least you have a picture to document the fabulousness of it all! By the way, I find it hilarious that the Mormons are advertising on your website. The truth is restored!! On dooce.com!
315. mel said:
maybe coco will make you some poop noodles.
316. austinjenm said:
I can totally feel your pain, I have a 3yr old lab & when she was a puppy anything from my slippers to the garden hose she consumed....
317. margiesbooboo said:
(snort) it could be worse. my brothers lab ate his leather recliner. sorry about the hat, you looked good in it.
318. Marty Banana said:
You see?!!
This is exactly why I never let our dog in the house.
This and that whole pooping on the carpet thing.
319. you're too skinny said:
I got a six week old puppy yesterday. I can not stop looking at her. Now I understand why you take so many dog pictures.
320. Bonzai said:
Woman, have you looked carefully at that picture? You can TOTALLY pull off a hat - no tequila required. Someone should be able to - I always feel like Bill Murray in "Caddyshack" when I put one on.
Puppies, puppies. At least your spouse doesn't look at you, as you hold the remnants of your beloved 17-year-old perfectly broken in bomber jacket in your hands, tears streaming down your face, and say, wonderingly, "But I thought it was fine - he was so quiet!"
321. marie said:
NOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo!
I was already attached to that hat, I was. Damn.
322. fancy ham said:
I'm confused about the mormon adds, are they actually paying you to advertise?Shouldn't that money be going towards temples? I too lived the young woman values, which are; faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, and integrity. IT NEVER GOES AWAY!!
323. Madeline said:
omfg, hilarious. I have been meaning to ask "why is the leash always attached to Coco?" and now I know. =)
324. piglet said:
i'm not drunk right now and i think you look like a movie star (in the old way that was cool and stylish) in that hat.
i have that same kind of skin, it sucks to be called "boy in the bubble" as others watch me mummify myself in order to not be touched by the sun.
325. LA Lawyer said:
What the heck? Coco needs some Pepto Bismo.
326. Gorky said:
My son and our dog, Jules, grew up together as puppies. Of course, the four-legged puppy was more ambulatory and far more destructive than the two-legged puppy for many years. Now the four-legged puppy is 15 years old - wise and slow. The two legged puppy is 18 and reminds me of the young four-legged puppy. Often he is fondly referred to by my wife and I as "the retard".
I know it's not PC - but you know that look Coco gave you when you found her with bits of hat hanging from her mouth? Imagine that look from an 18 year old boy.
327. James said:
Hahahaha.. brilliant.. EXCEPT the title gave it all away!
328. Terry said:
That IS...er, I mean, WAS... a great hat. Looked great on you (and I've only had one glass of wine).
Damn.
329. Allie said:
Guess you know what she thought of the hat.
330. SwissBarb said:
OMG naughty Coco! This is so funny!
Er, I meant, sorry about your hat! *grins*
331. Calligirl said:
The hat looked great on your Heather; naughty Coco. I'm ashamed she has the word 'Australian' in her (breed) name. Visit the land Downunder, where there are more cases of skin cancer per capita than elsewhere on the planet, and you won't need margaritas to get through wearing a large hat - everyone does it; it's even a mandatory school uniform item in most schools.
Better cute in a hat than the alternative!
332. lu said:
golden and freaking hilarious!
333. Kirsten said:
Not that I think you're going to get through 2 pages of comments, but I just wanted to add that at least Coco only ate a straw hat.
My mom came home one day to find that our Cocker Spaniel Laddie had licked her diamond solitaire earrings off of the dresser. Yes. He swallowed them. Yes. She was on poop patrol for the next week. Yes. She got the earrings back.
334. plue said:
This reminds me of the time I was in Tokyo, Japan and I bought this gorgeous paper pinwheel at a street fair. I wanted to bring it home to show my mom, so I carefully shielded it during the entire fair, which was chock-full of people. People whose elbows kept threatening to damage the delicate petals of this pinwheel. I held onto it tightly and for so long that my fingers hurt and I had a mini heart attack every time someone came near me. I was lucky enough on the way home to find a seat on the train because during rush hour, people are literally crammed into every available crevice by uniformed people-crammers. And wouldn't you know it, halfway into the train ride, an old lady tripped and toppled over and, you guessed it, fell right on my pinwheel.
335. Ellen said:
OH, that was the hat? Yikes. I thought those were feathers from the dog bed.
In that case, RIP hat. It didn't deserve such a fate. :(
336. Ann said:
Count yourself lucky. I knew a dog who ate its owners wallet, unbeknownst to its owner. Owner thought it stolen, canceled all credit cards, got new drivers license etcetera. A few days later, as owner was cleaning poo in the yard - low and behold - there was the wallet, INTACT. Folded, mangled - granted - I mean, imagine the shrinkage attempts by the intestines - nonetheless, intact. Credit cards, money - everything, intact.
Ouch.
337. Lauren said:
I went to Greece when I was 19 on a girly holiday and thought factor 2 was too high. I might as well have covered myself in "you're a dickhead, have some cooking oil" but where i'm a naturally moley (ha, love that word) person I'm not so stupid now. Well, I wouldn't be so stupid if I actually had the chance, what with Englands tropical temperatures.
Anyway, the moral of this story is you look good in a hat.
338. Stacy said:
Maybe Coco was acting out through the strange man with the patience of a saint? Instead of becoming irrate because the brim of your hat kept smacking him on the ear, he inserted bad vibes into your carry on luggage. LOL
Sorry about the hat which you did look good in by the way. Bad Coco! Give a puppy a inch and they will ( without hesitation) take a foot or in your case, a hat.
339. Lucia said:
That's a shame because that hat looked FABULOUS on you!
340. Emma said:
That was a great story.
I'm sorry for the loss of your hat, it did look great on you, but it was almost worth it for the story :-)
341. Caroline Inckle said:
That's fab don't you just love dogs.
Our's was like that at first, constantly on a search and destroy mission.
They do calm down.
Caroline
X
342. Laradean said:
That was the funniest thing that I have seen all day and probably will see all day and it's only 8AM and I have laughed out loud for the first time in months. Please get me out of NY! And for those of you who think because your dog is 2 years old and won't do that nonsense, Chloe is 4 and you can see from this pic http://laraslousylife.com/?p=29 that her intake of roughage very, very high. Sorry Heather! But Coco had a point.
343. Kate said:
You didn't bring Coco "stuff"..
there in lies the problem. ha ha ha ha ha!
and Damn! cuz I loved that hat!
344. CauseImThaMommaThatsWhy said:
Ahhh Dooce.. I so didnt see that one coming. Aces!
345. Anonymous said:
At least I hope you won't have three years of puppy hell, like we did with our lab. Yuck. Great dog now, but what a pain in the ass.
346. Shelly said:
Oh.....NO WAY........I was happily reading about tequila..and hats in my 7am stupor--and the HAT got shredded? Your AWESOME margarita WOO HOO, plane passenger pisser offer, sun blocking HAT?
She needs to be made to sit in the corner, with NO barking and NO herding, with a COCO hat on for 15 minutes! Then eat her totally awesome doggie hat IN FRONT OF HER. Don't share, either.
347. FK said:
RIP, fabulous hat.
xox
348. sarah said:
she ate your hat! it was a beautiful hat, looked very nice on you... oh man that dog kills me.
349. Laura said:
Get that dog a KONG and fill it with peanutbutter and/or treats this way she will be busy cheing on playing with the KONG and not eating over-sized straw hats.
350. FoxyBrown said:
Because I have a 15 month old dog, I knew immediately where this was going! Like others, I've lost cell phones, flip flops, shoes, the ignitor knob off of my grill, etc. I will tell you that after a year, we saw a HUGE difference. And now? He has moments of greatness. He still does things every once in a while that drive us crazy, but for the most part, he is really awesome. Considering the fact that we got him when I was about 6 weeks pregnant, raising him was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I honestly wondered at times if my marriage would survive it. I have to say that it made having a baby seem almost easy!
I love, love, love your blog - you could write about how you clipped your toenails and it would be entertaining. Thank you for what you do!
351. Diane said:
I just snorted at my desk at this post! We have a 10 1/2 month old German Shorthaired Pointer who is just now sleeping through the night and no longer attempting to destroy everything that makes its way into our house. I can so relate to this post and knowing that when you have a puppy, not seeing them, hearing them or knowing their exact whereabouts is tantamount to having a grease fire in the kitchen.
Awesome post!
352. Rebecca said:
I always enjoy your entries, but this one was so familiar and hilarious, I had to snort back my laughter because I'm in my cubicle, supposedly working. My adopted min pin puppy destroyed our carpet, and literally the day after I had it replaced, I came home from work and found several large holes chewed all the way to the sub-floor, holes larger than the puppy himself. I can so relate.
353. Kate said:
Clearly the universe does not want you to wear hats. Which is a shame because it was quite fetching.
354. Valerie said:
Hahahaha, that was hilarious!!! I feel your pain...my mini schnauzer is FOUR and still eats anything she can get her paws on...especially bugs that enter my apartment (although I guess that could be considered a useful trait!). It's a good thing she's so adorable :-)
The hat looked fabulous on you, by the way. :-)
355. Anne said:
Oh no! My puppy Judy eats dishtowels and curtains! It all comes out eventually.... :)
356. LeighB in ATL said:
If you want, I could tell you a story about a rabbit named Pumpkin who ate/shredded a whole human-sized velux blanket.
357. Anonymous said:
A fashion critic?
358. The Jaded NYer said:
OH NO! Not your hat!! lol... that puppy sure is a handful!
359. Optimist said:
I wonder if you said any bad adult words when you found that hat?
Hmmm?
360. becky said:
I wish you would stop taking pictures from inside my house and posting them on the INTERNET
(and I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person that read the hammer sentence and thought it said HAMSTER. thinking: HAMSTERS FALLING OUT OF THE SKY HITTING ME IN THE FACE! ah!)
361. rbiggs said:
Finding it all too hilarious that the Mormon church is advertising on your site. You GO!
362. Kim said:
Oh how I loved that hat on you! You write so well, I never saw that coming right up till the last sentence!
Thanks for the smile!
363. Jen O. said:
Oh my God. The dog ate your hat. That's bloody hilarious.
My dog has eaten, in no particular order: a bedside table, a toothbrush, a cactus, a diamond earring, a neverending list of entire squeek toys and a CAT HAIRBALL. And he's a 12lb shih tzu, not a bull mastiff.
I'm so proud. THAT HE HASN'T DIED.
364. Anna said:
OH NO! She ate your hat, didn't she? So sorry.
365. BigHeavy said:
Hilarious. That would make an awesome picture, her tearing into that hat.
366. Julia said:
LOL...
You seriously did not see that coming?
367. Wendy said:
That made me lol inappropriately in my cubicle.
368. ashleyd said:
OH MY!!! haha!!! that's just terrible. the hat looked absolutely fabulous on you too!
369. Dangermonkey said:
This makes me all the more excited to get a dog..ha!
Good choice on the hat. The sun is evil and there is no such thing as too much protection from it! ;-)
370. Kristine said:
Ah yes, the joys of puppydom! I, being an avid dog lover, dreaded the "puppy days" more than poking my eyes out with a sharp knife. I remember those moments of, "I think she's finally mastered the potty training and how to act like a respectable dog" thinking only to turn around and find the massive pile of dog poop nicely placed in the center of the brand new rug or a $30 pillow torn to shreds and peed on or, my favorite, my brand spanking new $350 Coach shoe tattered and completely unwearable and thinking to myself...that's it, you're out (not really I was more like you !@#$*&%, you couldn't chew on the Payless shoe?). Those damn cute faces - gets them out of everything but they sure are great to have around.
I was laughing right along with you Heather. Time for a cocktail when something like that happens. :)
371. Anonymous said:
I thought you were going to say you were accosted by strangers on El Paseo...you look just like Kate Winslet in your picture!
Hats are great...especially from Palm Springs. Two of my favorites are from there!
Dogs will be dogs!...never forget it...never trust them by themselves!
372. Anonymous said:
At least it wasnt a bag of maxi pads.
373. Kate said:
Ahhh yes. I feel your pain. I had a Dalmatian that ate an entire leather portion of a work boot, a catcher's mitt, underwear that he pulled out of the hamper. But by far the worst? A gallon of honey. Including the plastic bottle. I was FUMING as I cleaned that amber-colored apoxy from the tile, but one look into his hazel eyes and I just started to laugh.
By some small miracle, Hamlet the Canine Garbage Disposal lived to see his 12th birthday, which is quite a feat for this breed. I only hope that Doggy Heaven is filled with plenty of new and exciting things to chew.
374. lindasands said:
You do know you're going to have people sending you a shitload of hats now, right?
I'm thinking SOMBRERO.
375. Stephanie said:
Wouldn't you love to know what they are thinking? Assuming their thoughts would be in English, I like to think that Coco's voice would sound like Ren's. Yes, from Ren and Stimpy.
376. Kimberly said:
You are the best! Thanks for keeping us laughing, Heather.
377. Layni said:
Oh, crap! That's hilarious. Dag, sorry about the hat, man.
378. Elisabeth said:
Hey, we have that dog bed! And a dog that does similar destruction to anything she can get her teeth into. The other day she did that to several pairs of tennis shoes.
379. Susu said:
Fabulous!!
380. Aimee Greeblemonkey said:
Bad Coco! Dogs who cause skin cancer, BAD!
381. Rebecca said:
I was feeling all smart today until I read your blog and couldn't figure out 1. Why in the world you went from talking about a hat to showing a picture of a pillow your dog ripped up? 2. Why in the hell was there STRAW in that pillow that your dog ripped up?! Then I realized, I must have slipped into a coma and forgot to think when I came to! Seriously, it took me 10 minutes to figure out that the dog ate the hat! Sorry for your loss. CoCo was a nice dog. :)
382. kimi_j said:
Awesome, awesome post. Beautifully written, hilarious. Classic Dooce.
383. Vikki said:
I was all set to mock you in your hat and then, well, you pulled it off beautifully. Maybe you will lead the charge in bringing big brimmed hats back!
384. Stephanie said:
Okay,
That made me laugh for three reasons:
A) I have been known to have the same kind of tequila-induced rationale
B) Our rescued cattle dog once ate a pair of Adidas track pants and a Calvin Klein button-down oxford shirt--we have the x-rays of the shirt and pants moving through her intestines to prove it
C) You are freaking hilarious
Sorry 'bout the hat, I thought you looked very cute in it, if not a little like a celebrity rehab escapee
385. Julie said:
Puppy on a leash INSIDE the house. I'm not sure why I haven't been doing this. Instead, I have been stupidly picking up the little pieces of stuff of the floor ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
386. Linda said:
OK, that was hilarious. I was looking at the white scraps on the dog bed thinking, what is that? What the ... THE HAT! THE HAT! THE DOG ATE THE HAT!!!!!
Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.
387. June said:
You bring a smile to my face everyday. I love you!!! And sorry about the hat....
388. Violet said:
Bummer! That hat looked good on you!
389. Nick said:
A similar thing happened to me in October, except instead of a hat our puppy ATE MY WIFE'S iBOOK. He chewed on the screen (it no longer works) and scraped off some of the keys (he may have eaten some, we never found them all). The laptop itself still works if you plug it in to an external monitor (thankfully, there were some irreplaceable pictures on there), but that was a big, expensive lesson in DON'T TRUST PUPPIES WITH ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO EAT.
390. beth said:
OH NOooo!! Just keep repeating to yourself that you didn't like it to begin with, then have another margarita.
That really sucks.
:(
391. Sarah said:
OH MY GOD!!! will you keep her :):)
392. Spamboy said:
I always assumed passing a straw hat out your butt was a modern-day rite of passage.
393. Addie said:
Awe...My heart just dropped with the tear from my eye...
I'm so sorry, that hat was a fabulous look for you...I am in mourning for you.
394. pogonip said:
Puppies are destructive until they become dogs--at two. You could have just shown me the two photos and I immediately would have known what happened! Just wait till the snow melts and she plays with your sprinkler system...
395. Anonymous said:
Ha! The look you had on your face and the feeling you experienced in the pit of your stomach when you saw the destruction wreaked upon your hat - I know that look well. My pup has a particular love of turning my pants into chaps and my undies into garter belts. Oh, the scraps of colorful fabric ass-confetti I've found in my yard a day or two after I failed to close the closet door securely!
396. andrea said:
Fortunately my Irish Wolfhound only chomped on my shoes a few times and tore apart one of my husband's ugly t-shirts (go Finny!). All that is nothing in comparison to stories I've heard about bored wolfhounds tearing part AN ENTIRE WALL!
So sad about your hat though. I thought it was pretty cool and brimmy.
397. Linda said:
LOL. How many hats do you think you will get in the mail? I'm sure at least one reader will want to help you recover from your loss.
398. Huriya said:
HAHA that made me laugh out loud! Awsome title too.
you got great sense of humor.
399. celeste said:
That is a great blog and I loved every minute of it. I'm also scared by the sun (and I live in Florida, I know....How sad) and anyone who has a problem with your hat has obviously never had a real sunburn. Hats off to you :)
400. Nancy R said:
It's so unfortunate, really, because you can SO pull it off and the hat totally goes with your celebrity status. You know, for those times you want to avoid internet paparazzi and crazy internet stalkers.
401. Randy said:
And soon we will hear the words, "The hat is shat". God.. I love a puppy.
402. stella said:
I must say that I really really love your blog. The story today about the hat made me laugh out loud. Thanks for making my day a little brighter with your hilarious insights about life. Know that you have fans in Vancouver, Canada!
403. tachae said:
My God that looks like my house does everyday. I have 2 puppies that have a fascination with making everything into confetti.
404. Often Embarrased by my Dog said:
Willa is part dog, part billy goat. Sunday night, for a snack, she ate two UNused, tampons. They were delicious aparently. All that was left were the small bits of wrapper and one half of one cardboard applicators. Call me in a couple days, we'll have a great photo opportunity for you.
405. Eddo of Posted Note said:
Darn it. I really liked that hat and was even thinking about going out and getting one for myself. How stylish would I look in Texas with one of those on while I mowed my lawn, or went to the market, or two-stepping. I'd be all the rage, eccentric, and maybe even a bit gay, but no one could deny my stylishness.
406. Carrie said:
I am going to print that picture and paste it on the steering wheel of the car, so that every time we are tempted to go down to the shelter and meet some puppies we are reminded of what we are getting into.
You did look good in that hat, Heather, but you also looked a lot like a very famous person trying not to be recognized. Which I guess you are.
407. DesignGirl said:
Ha! When my dog, Dakota, was about 7 months old, a pair of black lycra biking shorts went missing. I found them a couple days later, in the back yard. They were missing most of one leg. Hmmm... where did it go? Oh yeah, a couple days after that, I look out back to see Dakota all hunched over doing a scootie across the yard. And what was coming out of that doggie place we never, never go? Yes, the missing leg to my shorts. Here it is about 10 years later, and to this day, he's never chewed any more clothes! I think I can hear his little mutt-butt puckering each time he sees me folding laundry.
Pavlov would roll over in his grave ....
408. amy said:
heather, so many of your blog entries regularly make me laugh hysterically or smile very loudly. this one made me do both enough to comment for the first time. (actually, i wanted to several entries ago when you posted several examples of crazy people emails you get, but i waited too long.)
i do not have a dog, but love several dogs who live with other people. these other people's dogs are the reason i do not have one of my own. ...........though i said the same thing about other people's children, and now i'm about to have one of my own of those, and so i'm sure it's just a matter of time on the dog thing.
also, i liked the hat. i think you rocked it, with or without margaritas.
:-)
409. jenni said:
wow - very funny
thanks for the laughs
read about you in wall street journal - knew nothing of you until then
glad to have found you
keep it up
410. akaellen said:
For everyone who made a comment about their puppy woes I say AMEN Brethren!
I catalogued the list of things my pup was destroying --for a while--but then that got just way too depressing.
But DANGIT she's so darn cute!
411. winecat said:
Oh no, the hat! Quick you must go buy a new one it looked great on you.
Our dog has eaten 1 window sill, mangled beyond belief 1 very expensive down comforter and tried to eat a door. I feel your pain.
412. Tracey at Justanothermommyblog said:
Oh, Coco.... Maybe she knew something with her doggy senses? Perhaps the hat contained aspestos? And exactly how do you spell asbestos, anyway?
413. Candy said:
You totally have my dog. And my sympathies. Mine once ate $15.00 out of my wallet. Did the hat cost more than that? If so, you win.
414. bitchphd said:
So much for Coco's fashion sense.
415. Chuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw said:
You were featured in a recent Wall Street Journal story, so I thought I ought to take a look.
Congrats on the publicity for your little blog.
My reaction after reading your stuff: Four million page views a month for boring drivel about a mundane life?
Yikes! Amazing how easily people are entertained.
416. Ms. Kitty said:
With such a high fiber content in her diet, Coco will never have to have Katy Couric host a special on doggy colonoscopies.
417. Zenmomma said:
You could always wear Coco on your head. That totally works.
418. lizandboys said:
How DARE you try to relax and not pay attention to the adorable(?) puppy! Have you learned your lesson??
OH, I HATE it when they chew something you LOVE...it's bad enough when they chew something your child loves...the TEARS! (and it doesn't teach my children to PICK UP their toys)
:(
419. Katie said:
I happen to think the hat looked awesome on you and totally wish I could pull off a hat like that. Too bad the puppy got to it.
420. verybadcat said:
Yeah, that sucks. My German Shepard ruined my favoritest pair of Kenneth Cole shoes. I've never wanted to hurt an animal before. He didn't even destroy them- he just chewed the buckles off. So they're still intact, just useless. *sigh*
421. Kristin said:
oh my... your poor hat! so sad. so very very sad.
422. Anonymous said:
Just so you know. I have been stabbed in the thigh with a pencil (self inflicted). It's no joke.
423. amanda said:
It's like the time the dog chewed up the obedience book, only sooooo much worse!
Feel your pain.
librarycollective.blogspot.com
424. Melanie said:
Your blogs provide the levity I desperately need. And I agree with whoever said you look like a star! I bet several people thought you were!
425. Connie said:
Maybe you should have given Coco some martini?
426. Sandra said:
Aww, that hat looked awesome!! What a shame that the puppy ate it.
I say that with the deep envy of someone who looks awful in hats. Before or after tequila.
427. Gromanian said:
Only to you...
428. Dee said:
OK this is going to sound strange but I am hearing about you for the first time. I read about you after going to the 5 mins for moms site where they referred to the article in the WSJ. Yeah for you! Drive over those nasty emails, swear when you feel the need and damn it wear hats if you want to.
429. Michelle said:
Dogs are SO funny. Whenever I am getting ready to go away, if I leave a suitcase on the floor, while I search for the appropriate clothing, my 2 year old dog--who is fully trained mind you-will poop in the suitcase when I am not looking. Talk about a message! I'm thinking if she could get her paws on a horse's head it'd be in my bed-- lickety split.
430. CollyP said:
I laughed so hard at this- Then sent it to my husband who also laughed. At least it wasn't jewlery so there's no need to poo treasure hunt. Good times!
431. Erin G said:
Can I buy her for $1.49 a pound?
So sorry about the hat...maybe you can form a new hat out of straw-infused Coco poop?
432. Anonymous said:
You should wear hats...that one looked great on you! Sorry for your loss.
Your story reminded me of the time my husband, a poverty stricken competitive cyclist just starting out, was given a European team jumper by a visiting champion. Despite the fact that in those days he never did laundry, he lovingly handwashed the sweat soaked item and hung it outside to dry on the Hills Hoist. He came home to find only the arms hanging from the clothes line and our doberman puppy sleeping on the rest of it. It was in the days before lycra otherwise I'm sure that dog would still be bouncing up and down on it - having invented canine bungee jumping.
433. Miss Grace said:
I'm ashamed to admit that I sort of like the hat. And I can't wear puffy sleeves.
434. Kimba said:
I can't tell you the number of things our Aussie destroyed when he was younger. He's 5 now and still manages to get into trouble. Is yours a puker? Bear will puke up anything foreign, from sticks to half a Swedish fish. Half. Is this any consolation? No? Well...consider it sympathy then. They're busy little buggars.
435. Ann said:
You know those giggles that leave you gasping for air? Yeah. Thank you for this.
436. tracey said:
I can't tell you how much I love it that every photograph of Coco shows a leash dangling from her neck. It's like, "Hey! Look at me! I'm special!" In a total short bus kind of way. So endearing.
437. Jen said:
Why couldn't she have just eaten the clogs?
438. Ula said:
And there you have the reason why we like cats. I think you are very cute in the hat. :)
439. Mainline Mom said:
I need to find a hat like that to protect my pancake batter Irish skin. Except that you can pull it off and I totally can't. Bad Coco.
440. KT said:
ha! ha! ha! I laughed out loud - perfect post-work comic relief.
441. jessica said:
how tragic! i've never commented before, but i couldn't resist after this post. i feel the same about hats--i always wish i was a hat girl, but never feel confident in them. the photo of you in your hat and sunglasses looks great. so sad it's gone. but at least you know now you can pull it (the hat look) off.
442. Kath said:
Oh no!! Heather, that was a totally cute hat.
OK, Coco is outta there. Coco is cute, but the hat was cuter. And the hat would have never pooped on your carpet, either!
443. Flannery said:
I know this will probably hurt to hear after what wound up happening but ... that hat with those glasses makes you look like Gillian Anderson.
444. Christine said:
Ok, I just read a Salt Lake City news story on Heather (I live scant miles from her, as I have just detected), having never heard of her until yesterday. I was skeptical, but had to know what would inspire a sardonically-witty Utah mama to sell her soul to the Net ... Ah-ha! Upon further inspection I have witnessed that she is lovely ... yet not against appearing a fool, fearlessly bold and unapologetic. A true modern Alpha mom - for her drive to excel personally, in family and her Blogerdom career (not mocking; I'm jealous LOL). As I read her certainly largest mode of fan mail, aka blog comments, I see how fired-up she must feel ... ready to flex her writing muscle against the naysayers, having a slew of fans on her team to buoy her up to virtually tell-all (of course the continued financial perks are a clincher). Kudos to Heather and her team of hubby, daughter and canines, family, friends etc. She shows true mojo ... and makes me feel bold enough to keep my similarly restless puppy another day. To keep a sense of humor regarding my kids maddening antics, and to go with the flow ... and even love my husband for his own wacky self. Oh, and to throw myself a break. Heather proves that being imperfect just may be perfect.
445. Anita said:
Oh my God, I needed a laugh like that. A laugh that comes out of the "O" shape of my mouth as in "OH that little.... Tee hee hee". Only because you provided such a fabulous visual with the photo (sorry about the hat, though).
446. Laura said:
My Australian Shepherd mix has eaten, among other things:
- a batch of chocolate chip cookies
- 14 large frosted cookies (so sugary that I woke up at 2am to discover her in the bathtub trying to lick drips from the tap)
- wrapping paper and a cardboard jewelry gift box (she was kind enough to leave the expensive earrings unscathed)
- a sample tube of yellow paint (on the "good" couch, no less)
- used tissues, condoms, and sanitary products
- laces from gym shoes
- her bed
- a hairbrush and electric razor (to her credit, she's not the only dog to attempt eating this particular hairbush and razor)
- a wooden gate
She has also escaped from every confinement, including our house once. She jumped THROUGH the screen of a second-story bedroom window, slid down the roof to the bushes, and took off for a tour around the neighborhood. She was returned to us without a scratch on her, but she smelled AWFUL.
And still, I wouldn't trade her for a million dollars.
RIP, wide-brim hat.
447. Merry said:
I feel your pain, Heather. We had a dog that loved to go through our clothes basket, steal our underwear and chew it to shreads.
After several ruined pairs, we got smart and put them in a seperate basket ON TOP of the dresser. :)
448. Jo said:
I stared at the second photo for a good minute before realizing it was the corpse of the hat. I dearly hope it wasn't a pricey one... I mean you looked like a million bucks. (80's freeze frame ending!)
449. SithSnoopy said:
If it makes you feel any better, our male German Shepherd used to have a thing for our remote controls. :P
Replacing one of them was quite expensive. [The remote control, not the dog!]
And our female German Shepherd likes to grab anything with our son's spit-up on it. I found the shredded remains of one of his bibs in the backyard. :P
On the plus side, when our son's spit-up hits the carpet, I have two very willing volunteers who will lick the spot VERY clean, LOL!
450. SithSnoopy said:
Found this on Amazon, doing a search for "straw hat".
Not as nice as the one you lost... but is sorta close in appearance.
Straw Hat
451. best friends said:
Her tombstone will read: She sold her books, and bought her friends
I can't believe you won! Congratulations, on your new book! Now, how exactly should I send this to you? For more information...
452. Ellen from Ireland said:
I remember the time my West Highland Terrier, as a pup, ate some Christmas decorations made of polystyrene while we were out and she had the weirdest poop, like toffee popcorn tubes for a couple of days after.
453. Scott K said:
I wanted to laugh (and secretly I did), but this was the least funny story ever... because after six months with a puppy, it's still happening to me!
Turkish rug (from Turkey), hats, couch, bedsheets, underwear...
But he's so cute!
454. Jubeedoo said:
Oh noes! No more hat for Dooce :(
It took me a couple of seconds to get this... and then I couldn't stop laughing, and had to delurk myself in order to add my pleas to the hundreds already saying "get a new hat!" Cos that hat was great on you, and preventing cancer totally beats the inconvenience of toting it round!
RIP Teh Hat, and hello from a long-time-reader, first-time-commenter :)
455. dadshouse said:
When I was a boy, my best friend Glen had a dog named Daisy, and Daisy got into Glen's brother's room. An hour later, Daisy was looking a little wobbly and strange... turns out she found some pot (weed, grass), ate it, and, well, I wish I had a youtube vid to show of poor Daisy wandering around the house all stoned and loopy. Poor thing. She was fine in the end.
Sorry to hear about your hat!
456. Joel said:
Once I had an Australian Shepherd named Clancy. Even after he turned 2 his mottos were:
1) It moved! It must be food!
2) It's not moving! It must be easy to catch food!
457. Marianne in Paris said:
Bad dog! Is it worth going all way back for another hat exactly the same? I think SO.
458. Marianne in Paris said:
Bad dog! Is it worth going all way back for another hat exactly the same? I think SO.
459. Anonymous said:
About falling hammers:
Should this occur again in the near future, here's something to earn you big dollars:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Res_ipsa_loquitur
A N
460. timmi said:
You can wear hats! You are totally hat girl. And, more importantly, you look like you're coming into your fame - all floppy hat and big glasses like "no photographs please." I love the hat look. And I would catch you if you jumped off the bar.
461. Therese said:
By the way. Loving the jazz hands you've got going on there.
462. Cashmere Addict said:
Your poor hat! It's things like this that made me completely block out the first three months of my puppies existence. I hope you find a new hat that you love!
463. Anonymous said:
the hat is fine...whats up with the dress
464. Jessica said:
that was one heck of a story :)
p.s: heehee, are cats that smart too? eating hats
465. Bianka said:
Gasp! Your hat.. You told such a lovely story, and I fell in love with your hat. And at the end it dies anyway.
466. Stephanie said:
Hate it when that happens. You know, puppies only make it to adulthood because they are so damn cute.
467. michelle @ TNS said:
you have to love a dog with such a well-developed sense of ironic timing.
and cuteness. sometimes i think teh cuteness is the only reason i allow enormous drooly dogs to not only share my house, but my couch. (i really love my couch)
468. michelle @ TNS said:
also, we usually tell our dogs that we're going to sell them to the glue factory.
469. Connie said:
Have Coco try a little grass. This always helps our dog, Prince Peabody, pass whatever the hel@#% he has gotten into yet again. That's how he got his nickname "Grassy-Ass, Senior".
470. Anonymous said:
forget the hat --cool angela adams bag!
--a fan in portland, me.
471. Lisa said:
Chewed up crayons make for much more COLORFUL poop! ahahahahahaha....Not that I would know anything about that though ;)
472. Stpaulslim said:
My basset hound, who has a neck that extends like The Alien, got to a turkey carcass I'd mistakenly left pushed way back on the kitchen counter where I thought he couldn't reach it--until I found that he had the extraterrestrial telescoping neck. He dragged it out to the living room, dismembered it on the carpet. Then, when he realized some of the goodie had leeched into the carpet, he dug until he was able to get a hold of that and rip it up from the floor. Re-carpeting the living room kind of put a damper on that year's vacation and hat budget.
473. Kelly said:
I'm sorry, but I loved reading about your misfortune...really, really loved it;)To MY unruly canines, I have lost a beloved pair of Frye boots that I forgot JUST ONCE in three years to throw in the closet, countless undies-including non-3-pack from Target varieties, steaks I was looking forward to eating, two armchairs, a beloved Ugli doll, a kindergarten class photo from 1978, and a ficus tree...and I'm sure I missed a few hundred things. Seriously, though, I feel for you! The hat dazzled :)
474. Diane said:
I came back today to see if there was an entry for today and I just re-read this entry and laughed myself silly AGAIN!
I can just imagine the absolute quiet that you and Jon were enjoying and then you realized that a puppy and absolute quiet NEVER, EVER go together. I can so relate to that! Many, many things have been destroyed in the last 8 months since Arthur our Goerman Shorthaired Pointer puppy has joined our life.
I am giggling still...thanks again for the laugh, I really needed it today!
475. Chrissi said:
Coming from the owner of a hybird canine-shark I feel your pain. Ever see a dog shit out crayons and maxipads?? Dryweave wrapped shit sausages in all the colors of the rainbow.
476. Nettie said:
I do love your posts and this one just cracked me. I have a small she-devil at my house that managed to survive yet another electric cord chewing yesterday and left a mess similar to your picture.
477. Aaron said:
Puppies and children should always be on a leash or in a cage unless carefully supervised.
478. Artsy Amy said:
I have two dogs: Captain Destructo and his aid Mister Waldo. They have eaten lots of things I have loved, been grossed out by, and things that have merely existed. My favorite was when I thought Mister Waldo had worms because these weird translucent whitish bits were emerging from his butt. One seriously embarrassing trip to the vet later, I realized he just ate a candle.
479. Laurel said:
Brilliant! Had everyone in the office in tears!
480. MattStiege said:
Nothing like the devilry of an unwatched pooch.
481. Bella Rum said:
Fiber. Straw is fiber, right? Am I right? Hell with steel-cut oatmeal. I'll eat my hat!
482. HALF PINT said:
I recently started to receive emails from truthout.com and came across an article written about this outspoken, witty, entrepreneurial, classy, sassy, insightful mom...YOU and I had to know more about you, so I made my way to dooce.com, hung out a bit, felt massively inspired and then returned to my myspace blog and wrote and posted my first and only draft (which has been a 'thing' with me..."first thoughts, best thoughts"~Allen Ginsberg) of Mom Power: Activate...In the form of a Warrior. Thank you for having such a powerful impression on me. Your voice strikes a cord in me and clearly many, many others feel the same ...congratulations. What a fire in your belly...I love it and will return for regular soul feedings, understated elegance, organic insights and real laughs.
In gratitude and all that other Mother Jazz,
HALF PINT~Blues belter out of Vermont
483. Tuni & G said:
Such a pretty hat. A lot of conversations going on here! Saw your appearance in the wall street journal!