:) I love you (and not in that creepy way) and wish you the best.

Thinking of you and your family.

I'm sorry that you've had such a rough go of it this week, Heather. I hope that you guys can pull together as a family to get through all the changes you're facing.

I only know you through your blog but admire you and your family greatly. I wish the best for your stepfather and your family as you endure the hell that is cancer treatment.
The thoughts of all your fans are with you.

What an honest post. We've all been there in one way or another. Good thoughts to you!

Heather,
wishing you all the best. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you get some sleep.

Kilburina

So sorry to hear about your stepfather.
I know where you're coming from with the religous aspect of everything...we're lapsed Catholics...the boys are baptized and that's as far as we've gotten (or as far as we'll go). I don't think we'd go back to Catholicism, but don't know where else to turn, but thinking we should give our boys a basis of beliefs, if that makes any sense at all....I envy those that have a strong belief/faith and belong to a religous community, but don't know what we're even looking for....
All the best to your mom and stepdad.

I know how you feel, in terms of not knowing what to believe. Most of the time, I'm happy in my life, not needing to "believe" in a specific thing, but in the general belief of all things. Usually that makes me feel safe and happy. Sometimes it makes me feel lost and alone. But I wish you and your family the best, and I'm hoping you'll be okay and that you'll be able to find something that will help you through this.

I know I'm probably in the minority here, but you are having a stinking sad week, for completely respectable and comprehensible reasons, and if you should decide to take a few days off from giving us readers our daily shot o'fun, that would be okay.

Balance something on Chuck's head if it makes you happy. Otherwise, just put your emotional calories where they are most needed right now.

I'm sure you're going to get hundreds of comments on this, but take away a few things: 1) You are loved, by family, friends and complete strangers 2) You can get through this and 3) You getting through this and sharing it with us helps us get through it and our own.

Thank you.

I am so, so sorry to hear about your stepfather. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

Also, melatonin really helps me when I can't sleep, fyi. It's amazing how much sleep and stress feed off each other.

great big internet hug to you and yours

as one of the mormons who clings desperately to a shred of faith, mainly to avoid grappling with what it means to let go, i wish you all the best in your continued honest exploration. i think there are so many mormons who will overlook just about anything to avoid facing the idea that families may not be together forever, at least not in the way they learned in primary.

i dont have children yet, mainly because of my inconsistent thoughts and feelings on this subject and i, too, experience a mix of profound emotions upon seeing anyone else's burgeoning belly. i can only imagine how those feelings are compounded for you and i wish you all the best.

thank you for sharing and articulating the thought that some of us are not yet brave enough to tell our families, let alone the world.

The heartbreak of a miscarriage is not one that you ever leave behind. That was still your child. And will always be part of who you are. So yes, still being so sad about it completely normal.

And as far as not being sure what you believe... join the club. Because I don't have a damn clue. Only that I haven't found what makes the most sense to me yet.

Good luck, I hope things get easier. But these are times when you are lucky to have an awesome family to lean on.

Thinking about you Heather...I really related to this post; thanks for your raw honesty. Love you!

growing up just really fucking sucks. i'm really sorry about your stepfather. i just uncelebrated a similar benchmark date of a pregnancy that ended in september and get the same stomach-achey feelings you describe. hang in there and get your therapist on the horn if you need to. peace to you and your family heather.

I believe that life is a constant journey to find out what we believe. Otherwise we never grow. I believe in the power of prayer, so I will pray for you and your family.

We all need a little help now and then.

Hang in there, and if you need to cry; regardless of your eyes bloating. Do it! It'll feel so much better in the end; and hey if they ask just tell them. ;)

Positive thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hang in there. One day at a time...

I'm very sorry to hear about your stepfather. Please know there is hope. A year ago I was in ICU after going to ER with breathing problems-it was stage 4 NH lyphoma with a 15 cm tumor in my chest. I went through the whole ordeal, chemo actually wasn't that bad. Now I am in complete remission! One thing I found out was that it's actually kind of better to have agressive lyphoma because they treat it with the big guns. The more mild lymphoma, they sometimes just 'watch and wait' (imagine having cancer and the dr's just want to observe it!). Everything can turn out fine!

Hey Dooce,

I've never posted here before, but just wanted to let you know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. It sounds like you are having an awfully tough time, and I really wish you the best. Take it one day at a time, as the alcoholics say, with great wisdom. This too shall pass.

I am thinking of you and your family. It's the best I've got since the Shell Answer Man does not live in my house. You know for all the crappy e-mails you get,no one should ever say that you don't love your family.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I can SO relate to trying to figure out what the hell to believe. I was in a bad car accident 2 years ago, have gone thru multiple surgeries since and all sorts of other crap. I HATE it when people tell me how it is character building, and "God has a plan"(for the asshole to run the stop sign?), and how I should always be happy anyway so I can be an inspiration for others. To all those people I say ... YOU go thru your own crap and then get back to me!! ANYWAY -- I will get off my soapbox and wish you nothing but the best at getting thru a difficult time. You have a lot of people pulling for you and your family!

I'm grieving the completely unexpected loss of an amazing family member right this minute. I hope with all my strength and positive vibes that there is no loss, but only the ascension of health, throughout your family.

I'm sorry that this is happening right now.. Hang in there it will get better..

Go to the therapist, and get some help through this difficult time. That's what they are there for. And I'm very sorry about your stepfather. He sounds like a very special man in your life, and the life of your family. Be grateful you have him in your family, as I'm sure he is grateful to have you in his (in spite of the bologna). Cancer CAN be cured... just hope for the best. Sometimes we have to trust that what should happen, will. We don't have all the answers, and we rarely understand "why." I'm not a terribly religious person, but at times like this I sometimes tell myself... "Let go, Let God." It seems to help. Bless you.

You will always remember the date with a little sadness - I think that is totally normal. I see 5 years olds still and think....I should have had one that age. So sorry to hear about your hard times - we are all thinking of you and sending love. (not the creepy kind either)

I read on The Pioneer Woman's site (http://thepioneerwoman.com) that if you put two spoons in the freezer for awhile, and then apply them to your eyelids, it will take away the puffiness and that "I've been crying all day" look.

Best of luck, Heather. I know this isn't an easy time for you, and just know that all your fans are hoping for the best.

It's such a long list, but I wanted to add my name to those of others who are thinking of you and sending you as many positive vibes as possible. I don't know you personally, but your writing brings people in so close that it's hard to hear that you're feeling so awful. Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry about your step-dad.

*hugs* I think about the baby I miscarried 4 years ago on its due date.

Everyone has the right to question what to believe in. I will always say religion is a PERSONAL choice, so leave it to that person to decide what's best for them.

Hoping your StepDad gets through all this ok.

Sometimes one child is enough. (I only have one!)

So sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I am new to your blog and it makes me laugh each day during my lunch hour. I also had a miscarriage in October (my 2nd), and this past Monday the 12th was the due date. I had been feeling bad and behaving worse and couldn't determine why. and feeling guilty about pinning the blame on the loss of the baby, and then feeling guilty about THAT because...why shouldn't I feel bad and act out?? our beautiful four-year-old son David saves me every day.

you are right; you help people feel less alone and less inadequate for not having all the answers. thank you so much!

Oh Heather, I'm so sorry. I know I'm just one of a bazillion readers out here in the world, but please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Just to answer your questions, for what it's worth: you are not any different than about 99.9% of the world when you reach out in the dark to put the pieces together. Even the most devout of religious followers have their own "dark night of the soul", and those who claim they don't are either lying or in denial. And I think I'm in a very small minority of women who have had miscarriages and deliberately forgot both due dates. It's not morbid to remember - it's part of grieving and letting them go.

I pray for sleep and for peace for you, my dear. You deserve every happiness this world can provide, including a good night (or several) of shut-eye.

I know religion has played a part in your life....or at least I can read that it does. :)
religion isnt what i believe, its spirituality that I think is important. To say you are Mormon, Catholic, etc doesnt mean much to me and doesnt mean you are any better person than someone else. I think people need to transcend that way of thinking. I pray everyday, I say thank you and ask for guidance and strength, and whatever else God has instore or I think I need. :) YOu can do the same. You must be strong to deal with comments and misunderstandings you receive b/c of your blog. Its a different kind of strength when dealing with something like cancer or death of a child b/c these hurt so badly and tend to make no sense at all, but you can still channel what you within you.
Talk to us, talk to your therapist, and allow yourself to be sad for a time. This is my advice to you.

Take care,

leslie

Sending your entire family love and prayers.

Heather, you are so loved by so many. You will be in my thoughts this weekend..I hope you find the strength, peace and comfort that you need right now.

My heart goes out to you in thinking about your miscarriage and your stepdad.

You don't have to have a set religious belief to be stunned sometimes by the very fact that we are here. It's a pretty powerful feeling. And sometimes despite not having formal religious beliefs I do get a very strong feeling that the universe makes sense in a strange way and that it can provide in some uncanny ways. This gives me a lot of comfort without havingto pretend I have answers. I wouldn't want to have a mindless belief in something- I really do believe that faith is for the unseen, not the untrue.

I hope you have some trust in your path, where you're at- I think you do. It helps.

I second the suggestion of melatonin for sleeping, it helps me without drugging me up. I also like Valerian for chilling out except that it smells like something that comes out of Satan's ass.

I am a complete hypocritical agnostic and that is the way it is. If it helps you to believe in the Easter Bunny at this time in your life, then go right ahead. If you feel the need to pray, then pray. You do what you need to do to make it work. Fuck it.

My thoughts will be with you and your family.

Take good care, it sounds like you are on the path to doing so. I will think thoughts of happiness, health, and grace for you and your family.

You and yours are in my prayers.

I understand exactly what you're saying; I still have those bizarre wistful thoughts when I see pregnant bellies- I never got one, although I did get very lucky and have two live births despite complications and many, many weeks of NICU experience. You'll get thrugh this as you seem to get through everything else in your life- one breath at a time, with the support of Jon and Leta, and with that quirky combination of grace and sarcastic wit that has inspired me time and again.

I think it's always hard to think of the right thing to say at these times but I'll say this beings I've dealt with both of your dilemmas.....

Embrace each and every day like it's your last and be grateful for what and who is in your life.

Tell them that you love them and just be there to listen, share and support.

As for yourself, you have such a blessing already with your precious princess......Oh, and go for a spa treatment and take a day for yourself!

Good luck sweetie..you've are in my thoughts and prayers..you and your family.

Ah lady, I totally understand what you're going through with your step dad. My dad was just diagnosed with advanced lung cancer a month ago.

All I know is that getting the news and processing it is like standing chest deep in the ocean while wave after wave of fear, anger, and sadness ebb and flow. And occasionally crash over my head all at once. All in the space of a minute. It's not getting easier. So yeah, call your therapist.

My heart to goes out to you. And your Mom.

I find it easier in times like this to hold on to hope with what little I know, so that when I least expect it, I'm left with something new to believe in. And prayer? I'm sure you know it needn't be directed to any"one" or any"thing" - sometimes it's best just to get the message out in to thin air, mostly for yourself. Hope you find what you're looking for; for your family and for yourself. Thinking of you.

I am so sorry to hear of the struggles you are going through. I hope you can find some of the answers you are searching for, or at the very least some comfort soon.

I had to re-examine my position in alot of life situations last month....I can to the conclusion that everyone else can fark-right off, I'm doing things my way from now on, and dealing with it in MY way. If that means I'm ditching an appointment and just sitting in the sun to think for an hour, then that's exactly what I'm going to do. So far so good.

I don't want to "tell you what to do" - but I don't think anyone should ever expect or be expected to "get over" the loss of a child. No matter what stage or age. I think it's something that just hurts a little less in time....

Hope things start looking sunny soon!

PS Random acts of annoyance always cheer me up....for instance when someone is tailgating me and I'm already cranky...well, my windshield needs ALOOOOOT of washing. Works every time.

You are as courageous as you are talented. I salute you. That you can talk about these things to strangers (us out here on the 'webs) is most impressive. I wish you and your family the best.

I'm so so sorry to hear about your stepfather. I know what you mean about religion in situations like this. I'm not a believer, but in awful situations, you sometimes wish you had religion to fall back on (I don't mean that in a condescending way to religious people at all).

I don't think it's abnormal at all that you are still grieving the loss of your pregnancy and remember your due date. By all means, get some additional help from your therapist. I'm sure that some day, in one way or another, you will have another baby.

Thanks for this very moving post.
M
p.s. - OT, but did you happen to see the story in the NY Times about bloggers with mental illness? One in particular has really captured my attention - Liz Spikol. She suffers from bipolar disorder. Her youtube videos are especially compelling. Anyway, you are probably already familiar with her, but I thought I'm mention it just in case.

Hang in there. My brother-in-law just beat his lymphnoma in his chest the size of softball. It is doable.

And as far as religion - my thought is that as long as you believe in something you are doing good, even if you don't know yet what that something is.

Lots of love and strength and hope to you, Dear Heather. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

You are most certainly NOT alone. In any of it. Thank you for sharing today and everyday. You make a difference, and hopefully these many comments make a difference to you too. Be well.

Heather, I am so sorry. I hope that your friends and family (and internet fans) provide you with enough support to work your way through these sad times. Although I have never met you, from what I have read I can see that you are an amazing person who tries to deal with her issues, and that is a very commendable thing. I have no doubt that you will find your way. Lots of Love, Sami

Thinking of you all. My mother had a 3 year battle with fucking lymphoma. Do whatever you have to do. Take care of yourself.

I heart Dooce ~ hug ~

It’s funny how things all seem to happen at once. Suddenly you’ve got media attention over blogging (my poor ancient word program doesn’t even recognize blogging as word, how’s that for a sing of the times?), a book published, a puppy growing (and chewing, annnd pooping everywhere), the miscarriage, and now this with your stepfather. I think you’re doing a fantastic job of holding it together as I’m not sure I personally would even be functioning enough to type a blog. I truly truly admire and appreciate your honesty. It’s takes a strong person to admit that you aren’t where you want/need to be and to ask for help. Much respect and hope for warmer happier times to you Heather!

You are definitely NOT alone in trying to figure out just what you believe--ever since having my little girl I've been struggling with the same questions. Sending hope and strength your way...

Wishing you peace. : )

I was so sorry to read about this awful situation.
I am a step-parent to two amazing kids and I like to think that if I ever get sick some day, they would look back at our relationship as just as important as the one that they share with their mothers. Right now the 16 year old probably wishes I would get sick but that's another topic...

I to don't really know what I believe in, but I will be praying for your family - even if the prayers are directed at something I can't define.

I too wish you and your family the best. Be strong and take on each day the best you can.

Pregnancy can be scary, even for us men. My wife and I almost lost our son 3 times and are now on the 2nd pregnancy.

Im NOT at all saying that I know how you feel with the loss. But I can slightly relate to the fear of the 2nd time around. Its scare the hell out of me at times to think that it could happen (or something worse) to us this 2nd pregnancy. I cant imagine how my wife truly feels at times either. But I stay strong and do what I can to stay positive...no matter what the odds are. All I can do is support my wife the best I can, Im sure your husband will do the same.

BTW - Loved the interview on nightline. Congrats on your success!

Dear Heather:

I'm honored you shared that part of yourself with us. You're going to be just fine. The fact that you shared speaks volumes. Chillax this weekend, k? Rock on, sister; rock on.

Heather, I am wishing your step-father great healing. He is clearly facing this challenge amidst the embrace of a loving family. That is a blessing.

We all have faith. Some may have faith in a particular organized religion or a particular construct of God. Some may have faith in randomness. Some people place their faith in capitalism. Having read your blog for a couple years now, I feel like I've seen your faith -- in the power of love and humor and the act of writing out loud -- keeping you grounded amidst great loss and upheaval. And when we lose touch with that faith, it's the good people around us who help remind us of it until we can claim it again.

Make an appointment with your therapist so you can create space in your week where you can just lose it, without anyone needing you to do something. And if you can, find some regular quiet time to take a walk alone. (I know, crazy thought with small child and work). To watch Spring coming. To feel yourself part of the larger world.

The great Hildegard of Bingen wrote these words that have helped me through many challenges:

All shall be well.
And all shall be well.
And all manner of thing shall be well.

Thinking of you.

it's my belief that life doesn't throw you things you can't handle... that whatever torment is going on in life, it is so that you will understand and appreciate everything more when the pendulum is on the up-swing. Lessons learned in times of difficulty are hard, and it sucks going through them, but once you're past all the turmoil, things will be different, but you may feel wiser, or happier, or whatever knowing you made it past yet another hurdle. I wish you a lot of luck, and will keep your family and step-dad in my thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing, as a lot of your writing has changed my life.

because you wrote this on a bookmark for my friend, i'm sending the same good thoughts back to you:

it's going to be okay.

i promise.

hugs,
MOLLY

I've never lost a parent, so I don't have any comparative experience that would help me tune in on where you are right now. I can however relate to 'not knowing', both in terms of your emotions and beliefs. One thing I've noticed about not having that 'blind faith' in times like these; you're actually feeling. These feelings help corroborate the wonderful relationship you have with your step father. Many times with blindly believing or have a pillar to lean on, one misses out on the depths of these feelings.

You and your family have left a wonderful impression on my life. I wish you sleep and thoughts of clarity.

I'm so sorry to hear about your step-father. I know that cancer, and even the threat of it and the unknown that it brings, can be completely debilitating for those that love someone deeply. There are times in life where you know that just over the bridge is growth and understanding but crossing, or even beginning to, is so incredibly confusing and painful that it is hard to know when you've made it until you can look back to the other side. Good luck. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

You're not alone - I don't think I'll ever know what I believe. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and multiple sclerosis three years ago and it has been a definite struggle, but you have to remember you're not alone even if you don't have a religion behind you.

I've never been pregnant, but I am scared to death of having a miscarriage. I watched my sister go through it and how hard it was for her and I don't know that I'm strong enough to handle it. Plus it's so common I know so many women who have gone through it I feel like I won't be able to escape it somehow...

Anyway, great post...

I will keep you in my thoughts.

I'm sending up prayers for your family's cause! Best wishes as always, and hang in there. Lean on each other and rejoice in the wonderful family and life that you have.

Sending you healing thoughts. Know that you are not alone, in the faith questions, in the miscarriage, in the depression, in the worry about your stepdad. Don't know if you've seen the Randy Pausch lecture or not, but something his wife, Jai, said in an interview they did was that they aren't the first people to be going through what they're dealing with, and she finds strength in knowing that others have gotten through it. I don't know that knowing you're not alone lessens the pain any, but perhaps it makes it easier to cope with...

I pray, without knowing exactly whom I am praying into, because I beleive giving voice to those concerns and fears DOES help-And so I pray for you.

It is SO hard to see someone you care about sick-I hope he makes a full recovery.

As for your miscarriage, you'll never NOT get that weird feeling, even if you have another beautiful, healthy baby. I understand the fear of trying again though. The right choice will come to you.

the biggest problem is that where you once had this nice little cozy set of beliefs that allowed you to understand things (within a closeminded framework), now you're kind of adrift without a net.

Having someone who means this much to you have all of this happen is tough. I like to always say, things happen for a reason, but I'll be damned if I can find a reason for this. I always like to believe that there's a lesson in everything if we can detach ourselves enough to see it. Again, I'll be damned if I can find a lesson in this one.

The one thing it does do is give you a chance to step back and realize how much he means to you and what kind of person he is and let him know how much you love and appreciate him. Considering how much he's done and sacrificed in his life for your mom's career, maybe it's time she sacrificed some time and effort on his part.

I don't know the situation enough, so please don't feel like I'm judging your mom or anyone else. Just trying to offer some insight. I wish you a bit of peace, and go give the man a hug and tell him how you feel. I'm sure he can read it here, but it'll mean a lot more coming from your lips.

My bosses wife died two weeks ago from a two year battle with leukemia. It was just awful for the family. It was hard to watch them go through all that pain, but it was great they had each other to go through it together. Some of us don't have big families and the thought of being really sick scares me.

Both of my parents are gone. For some strange reason I did pretty good when my parents passed away. I was in a good place with both of my parents and they were in their 70s and they didn't take care of themselves so it was their time to go. I learned so much about myself and my parents when they passed away. I was sad for my kids because they were at the ages where they were just starting to interact with them. I have so many precious memories of my Grandparents.

I was brought up Catholic, but now I am a spiritual person. I am not sure there is a "God like Person" per say, just a higher power. I believe there is a reason for everything. I don't think that cancer happens to bad people, I do think it happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't know the reason. It could be from environmental reasons, emotional reasons or unhealthy practices. I think the thing that wigged me out the most about losing my parents, is that it makes me at the top of the family totem pole. I am not sure that I am ready to be there. I have two kids that still need me so that is what keeps the sun shining on my day. I know they will be sad when I am gone and I am glad that I will be missed. I think it is real sad for the people who leave this earth that don't have anyone to miss them.

It is okay for you to be having all kinds of feelings. It is better to feel them then to fight them. Your uncomfortable feelings are your alert to take action. It sounds like that is what you are trying to do. You will learn a lot about yourself during this process.

I miscarried after having a motorcycle accident in 1980. I still think a lot about what would have been. I have a lot of girlfriends that have had miscarriages. I have one that feels that our bodies are pretty smart and they let go of pregnancies of children that may not have lived quality lives. She works with disabled adults now because of that and sees first hand how hard it is to care for a child that needs care its entire life.

So take good care of yourself (try melatonin and lots of walks), smell the roses, let the people in your life know how you feel and remember every day is precious.

I loved what commenter Barb said: "Mountains are not meant to be climbed alone"... there is or will be the right someone there to climb with you - Jon, another family member, your therapist - and while I understand that it might not be your belief (I don't know and none of my business anyway!) - but my belief is that God puts the right person in the right place for us in our times of need.

You have minions that hold you in esteem and in love - and while that will not take away the pain of seeing your beloved step-father deal with pain - it is sometimes all we each have.

Best wishes on the show this afternoon!

What's out there? Hope, Peace and the excitement of believing in the unknown. I believe there is a God and that we all go somewhere later in life where insomnia never happens, judgement is never given, laughter is law, and we don't have to follow the "if it's yellow, let it mellow" policy because of a water shortage and environment issues. Actually the environment stuff is beside the point.

I'm glad you've opened up comments for this because I have been wanting to write you for a while. Maybe your day will get a little better when I tell you how you have inspired me to open up. You've made me realize that laughing at yourself isn't a big deal. You've pushed me to try harder at the things that I love but have been to lazy to do (i.e. blogging, photography, design.). Reading your blog is one of the things I look forward to everyday. I don't feel alone, but being able to see that someone has the same sort of thoughts that I do is comforting.

I hope that you find what you are looking for, that you get some sleep and that your stepfather beats the shit out of this cancer. You stepfather sounds like the same person as my mom. Being ready to throw herself in front of a bus is what you may call her occupation.

So, in closing, my words of wisdom will have to, for the 80's lover, come from Devo. So . . . " When a problem comes along, you must whip it."
Get to whippin' Heather!

Dear Heather,

I have been reading your blog since I found it back in early 2005. I follow your life on an almost daily basis and get much hope from it.

I am a single mom who moved from NYC to Queen Creek, AZ in late 2006. Funny thing..the weirdest thing happened..I converted TO the LDS church. Now...I was a liberal New Yorker who has done many things in my life that would be totally disapproved of by the LDS Church. However, it spoke to me at a time that I needed it and it is speaking to me now as I raise my now almost 4 year old daughter.

I'm not suggesting that your return to the church...I'm just suggesting that "you take what you like about it and leave the rest".....you can still pray to a heavenly father...even if you have chosen to leave the Mormon Church...you can still gain comfort and love from whatever higher power you may find as you search for what it is that is greater than yourself that gives you comfort.

On another note...my Dad had lymphoma. He lived for nearly 14 years with it. He is now no longer here and I miss him greatly....and he lived for many years with it. I don't know how advanced your step-father's cancer is...and I imagine you are in a lot of pain whichever way this goes.

You are in my thoughts and in my prayers (LDS and otherwise) and you will and all that is around you will be OK.

With a lot of love (even though I don't know you)

Michele

all i can say is that there is so much love in your family, and that is the foundation for what you all believe. in the end, it will be enough.

sending you so many thoughts of hope and strength and comfort. and to grandpa rob as well. the whole family, in fact.

No, it's not creepy that you are mindful of the due date; this was a child you lost, not some abstract idea. She was part of you and always will be with you. As to whether you should try again - isn't there always the chance of loss? Nothing is for certain in this life, except for our determination not to give up.

As for your stepfather, my thoughts are with you. Nothing is worse than the waiting and not knowing. But I'm sure he knows (and your mother, too) that you're there for him.

And faith? We're all just finding our way. We all have questions and doubts; I think God makes Himself available to us in the way that we can best understand. And we don't have to fit into rigid definitions of "Mormon" or "Catholic" or "Muslim" or whatever.

You will always remember. At least I do.

My body and soul is just recovering from miscarriage #3, and I get quiet on each of their predicted due dates - I'm certain that on August 3rd of this year, I will get quiet again.

Own that pain, and be unapologetic in remembering the dates.

And I finally realized that my meds and past talk therapy worked when I got hit by an emotional bus and did not fall apart complete - instead i asked for help. That in an of itself is a big huge step in the right direction.

Keep that chin up during this shitty, shitty time. It will pass, but you've got to go through first.

I wish KL could see this aspect of "blogging". You now have a whole www support of people to share this burden......even if you may not know who many of us are. Some of them may not know what they believe and some of them, like myself, are firm in ours; however, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that we're ALL here for you and prayers of different faiths and well wishes from everyone are instantly being sent......

If it helps even a tiny bit, my big brother had lymphoma in 1988. He had chemo, radiation and has a couple of big holes in his neck, but he is alive and healthy 20 years later (knock wood.). And that was 20 years ago...they have come even further with cancer since then. So hang tight, Heather, and pray to whatever higher power there may be.

For me, that brother was saved but another died in a silly car accident 3 years later. So the 'God' I loved and thanked for answering one set of prayers, I then hated for awhile. I guess I figure, if he is 'God' he understands and loves me anyway.

You'll always remember your child's due date, Heather, but one day it won't be as raw, I promise you. Mine was 22 years ago and I still wish a happy birthday up to the stars every April.

If love can help at all, please remember that you have so many people across the world who love you and are praying for you and yours.

Hang in there Heather, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Lean on your family, they are there for you.

HUGS,
Kim

Heather,
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Just remember, as always, do what you need to do in order to get through all of it.

Kirsten

My thoughts are with you and your family. I don't have any sage advice, but it's a privilege to be on the planet at the same time as you.

I'm so sorry. Yes, most likely you will always remember that date but not always with pain. Yes, you are still that sad about it but it's okay. You're still functioning, that's good. My step dad (who I thought drove me crazy) died this past Christmas Day. I often wish he was here forwarding all those crazy emails to me again. Call the therapist. That's what they're for. Yes, you need sleep. Isn't it weird that when we get what we want or have been waiting for - or working towards, there's always some strange price to pay we wouldn't have imagined? Success for insomnia sucks. You are coping with a lot right now. Get all the support you can.

Hey-
It's all gonna be alright! It has too. That is all there is to it. You can't look at it any other way. People love you and you are lucky because of it.

Hey, Heather,
It's been a wild ride lately. It's hard to handle the news about your stepdad with three weeks of solid sleep under your belt but gosh undergoing this while sleep deprived...that's just wacking your brain chemistry balance in ways it doesn't need wacking.

Take some time off and give yourself some space to just bawl and sleep and recuperate.

Love you!!
BIFE

wow...I don't really have anything to say...but wanted to say something. You're a very strong woman and will get through this.

Lots of love and support to you, Heather. I am not sure you know how your page touches each of us. Looks like I am 143rd today to take the time to post, and I know there are others thinking of you who just did not have the words to say. Call your therapist. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.

You looked GREAT on the Today show - and you were articulate and fabulous. I wish the program would have done a better job of showcasing you and what you do.

Anyway - love, support, prayers, positive thoughts, and a shot of tequila in your honor! :)

Heather,
I am so sorry about the news about your stepfather. I have an amazing stepmother that I adore beyond words.

I have, with the help of a spiritual program, been able to find a god of my own understanding. I know, without a doubt, that my god is large and kind and good. I hope that you can find your own god to support you through this difficult time in your life.

Please get some help for your insomnia. I know from personal experience that the lack of sleep is the Express Train to insanity.

Like others before me, I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

jazztater

dude - therapy rocks. go back. you'll get through, no worries and no doubt. it just sucks now and is exaserbated by the fact that you're runnin' at mock 5 with logistical business shenanigans and public appearances of late. Worse comes to worse just remember Ambien.... FULL stomach :)

I wanted to cry and reach through my computer to give you a hug when I read this blog. I'll have to settle for sending you a cyber squeeze (although that sounds a little creepy).

**hug**

Heather...

I am so sorry to hear about your step-father's health problems. I know exactly (and I mean that with every fiber of my being) how you feel about him. My step-father 22 years died 3 years ago very suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. It threw me for the biggest loop and took me a while to get back on track again.

Like you said, my step-father was as close to me as my own father. He was an extraordinary man who was there for many of the major moments of my life. He was there when I graduated from high school and college, and when I got married both he and my father walked me down the aisle. He was there when my daughter was born and he even helped me pack my life up when I moved from California to Massachusetts.

He was one of the kindest, funniest and most loving people I've ever known, and I was lucky to have him as my step-father.

You, Jon, Leta and the rest of your family are all in my thoughts. Do not hesitate to call your therapist. Everyone needs help now and again.

Jennifer

My heart is breaking for you. We are having the same issue here in MT (weird that his name is Grandpa Rob to my kids as well?) I feel the same fear, hurt, confusion as you. Well, maybe not the same, but those emotions are there for me, too. And thank God for Prozac, or I don't know the place I would be in right now.

Keeping you in my thoughts...

I'm really sorry and saddened to hear that you're going through these feelings and experiences. I think that regardless of religion or conviction, there is some comfort that can be taken from knowing that the universe will even it all out in the end. At some point, something will give and the world will be bright again. I know you know that, but thought it should be said anyway. And I think it's quite wise and strong of you to look for help when you know you can't just go it alone.

Dear Lord,
Please be with Heather and her family through the coming weeks, give her step-dad strength to beat his cancer, and give the rest of the family strength to support him.Be also with his doctors and medical personnel that are treating him, help them to make the best decisions and be knowledgeable in his treatment so that they give him the best chance out there for survival. Be especially with Heather, as she is mourning the loss of her child who was supposed to be born this week, help her know that her precious baby is up in Heaven with you, looking down on her, as a guardian angel to her and to its big sissy, Leta. Also, guide her in figuring out what she believes, help her to feel your love pouring down on her, especially in this time of struggle. Give her and her family hope and be with them, in your gracious name I pray God,
Amen.
I will be praying this prayer for you throughout the next few weeks Heather... I'm so so sorry to hear about everything you are having to deal with right now

(((Hugs)))
You are going through a tough time. Dealing with your step-father's illness at the same time dealing with the due date of your much loved, much wanted, much missed, Angel.

As someone that has suffered a miscarriage and a mid-pregnancy loss I can tell you that due dates can be difficult. The hardest one is the first. Come next fall when it is the one year anniversary of the loss of your Angel, you will be anxious and on edge, too. This is normal.

(((hugs))))

Trish, Mommy to 3 Angels
Jordan (my living miracle)
My Heart (Miscarriage--Aug. 5, 1997 at 7 weeks)
Samuel born straight into Heaven Sept. 10, 1999 at 20 weeks.

Sorry you're going through such a rough time. Best wishes for your stepfather. As for you, you need to find a way to get some sleep. A gentle sleep-aid, anything that will get your body back in the rhythm of sleep. When I had PPD, I didn't sleep for six weeks and I could not function at all. A doctor told me that your body physically forgets how to rest. You will not be able to get out of your funk and handle these tough times until you have rested. Then you can tackle everything from a less dark perspective, more like your usual strong self. Good luck.

I hope that everything works out ok for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts!

I'm just so sorry for the loss and the illness of your stepfather. If I were at all comfortable with the whole religion thing I would totally say a prayer for you.

I am the type to pray. And I just did. I know exactly what it's like to love a stepfather, deeply.

I, along with the thousands that read your blog each day, wish you nothing but safe, kind and comforting thoughts. Your bravery in sharing your troubling thoughts and concerns impresses me and has given me the strength to confront my troubles. Thank you for being you. You've made a wonderful difference in my world. I only hope that my few words can help ease your pain.

I grew up Catholic and have, for many years now, been searching for my beliefs. At times, mostly when things are really hard, it's been such a challenge to not know, to not have the comfort that so many other people have found in their religion. I consider myself, more than anything, a Buddhist, but in the philosophical sense rather than a true religion. I have often found incredible comfort in Buddhism when I have found very little anywhere else. When the Dalai Lama was in Seattle he sort of explained his philosophy as simply as possible: In order for the six billion people in on this planet to take care of me, I need to take care of them - to open my heart to other people and take on their burden. One thing we all have in common is that we suffer. So I can't offer advice and I don't want to sell my beliefs to you, but I do want to open my heart to your suffering and let you know that I'm happy to take away some of the pain you and your family are feeling.

Wow, we went through the "cancer scare" with our daughter when she was 7 mos old, and fortunately, she is great now. But it really makes it hard to decide to go for another child. You are stronger than you believe you are and you and Jon will make the right decision, (and maybe give your step-dad a new reason to fight.)

I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I try to believe taht there is a reason. At times like this it is normal to question what we believe in, to try to find an answer, anything that will make some sense of what we are going through. I think often people of strong faith doubt when they are tested like this, so i think it's only normal that the opposite happens too.
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for your family. And from the bottom of my heart I wish you everything good in this world.

I hope you weather the storm well, you are all in my prayers.

With Love.

If I were there I would hug you Heather and not say an audible word.

I'm so very sorry. I'm still at a place of sorting out issues of faith and belief and it's in some ways harder to do post-kids. I had a very vivid dream about you guys last night which is what I get for reading blogs/twitter before bed, but it was sad and way too woo that you would mention that this would be the 40th week. Wow. Taking a small moment to honor the little one who wasn't yet to be. Be gentle with yourself. Sending warm thoughts for dear Grandpa Rob. And bologna. Lots of bologna.

My heart goes out to you. No one ever wants to have to watch someone go through cancer treatment. Just spend time together as much as you can. Whatever the outcome, you'll know you were there.

I, too, had a miscarriage shortly after you. I would be due soon, as well. It's always with you...never really leaves. You are a strong woman with a loving family and good friends, even those of us who only know you through your site. Just look inside of your heart. The answers and the inner strength you need to get through the hard times is there.

Much love to you all.

I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what you believe in. Just remember that there are a hell of a lot of people pulling for you and your family. Things will get better, they always do.

My mom, who is rather agnostic, once said that the reason people must die is because if everyone lived forever, no babies could be born, and wouldn't life suck without babies and children? This advice, however, is pretty lame in light of the other part of your post, that this would've been the 40th week.

All I can say is that I'm sorry. I wish we had the answers to why things happen. Why do people get sick? Why do pregnancies end? Why do some people get 2 weeks to live, and others get 20 years, and others get 100? It just sucks that there's no explanation, doesn't it? But would it really be better if we all had a guaranteed number of years? If everyone lived to be 100, how would the world be different? Would we remember what's really important, would we take stupid risks, would we be more selfish or less, if we knew?

I hope your step-father recovers. I'm very close to mine, too, so I know how you feel. I hope you can grieve the loss of your baby that should've been. I hope you can feel the love and comfort that I am sending you right now.

Hugs,
Amy

February 13, 2004.

That was my due date.

I remember it too. Every year.

What you are living through right now convinces me of the "sepertine" path of our lives: how the highs are high and the lows are low. In your case, I expect the highs and lows are pretty extreme because of your gifts and talents. It is hard to be an original and creative person because life expects a great deal from those who are. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your stepfather, and know that your relationship with your higher power will work through you: whether you are conscious or not. Nameste.

My heart aches for you and I cry with you for the struggles that life has given to you right now---no doubt that the day feels really impossible, and it is so much to take in at once. I agree so much with the poster who says that right now, it is more than okay to take things one minute at a time. Anything else would be far too overwhelming.

And I empathize so much with your struggle about beliefs at a time like this. I find myself in something so similar, and with so much pain in your heart, and fear about your stepfather, it is one of the biggest times to need but also one of the biggest times to question.

My thoughts and any strength that I have right now are with you.

My thoughts are with you and yours. I hope things get easier for you soon.

I think you should know that reading this entry helps me climb up my own mountain. Your ability to share your life helps so many of us feel "not alone". Thinking positive thoughts for you and your lovely family.

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage and no, it is not weird that you remember the due date. I will keep you and your stepfather in prayer. He sounds like a great guy and what a blessing to have had him watching over you while you grew up.
Please take this with a grain of salt. I go to a not creepy or judgmental church. here is the address in case you want to listen to a pod cast, or not.
www.restchurch.org

I'm so sorry you're down Heather. There have been so many times when your blog has provided a little ray of light in an otherwise crappy day. I hope you remember what joy you've brought to so many of your readers--we all care about you even though we're complete strangers:)

Hang in there. I can totally relate to what you are feeling right now. It is really hard to adjust to dealing with difficult situations properly after coming out of an extremely religious environment. I struggle with it nearly everyday. It is hard to discover that just praying will do absolutely nothing to help your situation when it's what you have turned to your whole life. The best thing to do is to make sure you communicate with Jon and your therapist exactly what you are feeling. Which I am sure you are already doing. This disease is horrible and sometimes it almost seems to much to bear for another minute. Mostly it helps to get out of my head and talk to someone else about it... just so I know I am not as crazy as I seem in my head. You are an amazing person and I really admire your honesty and candidness about dealing with these issues. And lastly, I know you probably have a huge support system of friends, family, etc that are helping you get through all of this but if you ever need someone to talk to I am here and I completely understand.

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now -- your stepfather's illness, the indecision regarding trying again (I know for me post-miscarriage, I simultaneously wanted to try again immediately and never wanted to try again at all -- and I definitely remember the due date, as well as every craptastic appointment date, etc., preceding the loss), and the sense of spiritual uncertainty accompanying it all. It really sucks and is a lot for any one person to have to deal with, much less all at once. Know that there are a lot of us out here pulling for you.

First and foremost my hope for you and your family is that strength and peace surround you at such a difficult time.
I'm with you in feeling that at any given time in most people's lives we question our beliefs and after all , we were given free will, weren't we?
I have said for a long time now... what if we're all wrong? That's pretty much where I've stayed. I know there is something bigger than ourselves out there-this isn't some big happy accident.
I believe a good portion of our "being" is spiritual and when life throws its wrenches in your spokes, by nature we seek out something bigger than it all to give us peace and hopefully a little understanding.Each person's journey is different, but I often feel our destiny is inately the same.
You've been on a whirlwind for months-many ups and downs... the rest of you just hadn't caught up with yourself yet.
You give to others, like all of us who've found strength,courage and hope in your words... maybe it's our turn to do the same for you now.
The Internet hugs you today.

Heather,

I think by opening up like this you are just proving that you are human! You have many people that have never met you that care about you, me included. :) Just do what you need to do and things fall into place.

P.S. You're awesome to the core. :)

1.

My m.i.l was diagnosed with breast cancer just over a month ago. Our emotions as a family have been all over the place. Last week she had her surgery, this week she's getting the results from biopsies so we know how much more to expect. The strangest part is how open she suddenly became about all of this and how the little things literally became trivial. She ate a BBQ'd hotdog yesterday, something I have never ever even heard of. BBQ'D FREAKING HOTDOG!!

It's slightly different but know that we (the internets?) are here...if only to make you laugh when someone criticizes the way you say crayon or sends you emails about how you should be training your dog.

2.

Both of my friends have had miscarriages and one is now a proud mommy to an almost 3 month old terror and the other is nearing the "safe" mark. Again not always the situation being the same, but it happens, and the emotions of jealousy/envy/sadness/pity that go along with seeing someone who's as big as a whale... And as soon as they find that comfy spot in the middle of the night suddenly wake up having to pee but only pee an ounce and then have to spend the next 3 hours trying to re-find that comfy spot but now it's disappeared and then the legs start acting up, tingly, swelling, especially when its feels like summer but its near freezing. Sigh. Oh yes....32 weeks and sometimes wishing I wasn't any weeks... I think I get jealous of people who are pregnant for the first time more than anyone else, because at least when they get home, they don't have a preschooler rambling on about poo, telling stories about an invisible friend named Crane (which reminds me of the bad brain guy from TNMT), or dumping out the toys which you just spent 3 hours organizing in a nesting way.

You'll get through all of this, and whenever your decision is made, whichever way it is, you'll know its the right one.

I suggest getting millions of dogs, maybe some pigeons and raccoons, and going around talking nonsense to very inanimate objects (pet rocks, dead leaves, etc.) - it's clearly the best solution at times like these

Hey Dooce, I'm so sorry it's all so shitty right now. Just keep breathing & live one moment to the next, that's all you can do.

If it would help, (time for assvice!) let me recommend you get in touch with the American Cancer Society at www.cancer.org or 1-800-ACS-2345. They can help with any questions you might have about your stepdad's cancer, including treatment, prognosis, questions to ask your doctor, even insurance & clinical trials.

I'm thinking of you & sending good thoughts your way.

Just another blogger, who doesn't know what she believes exactly either, sending you good thoughts, hopes and prayers.

Heather,

I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather. I am right there with you, not knowing what I believe. I am still sorry about your loss through miscarriage and hope that you and Jon can figure it all out. I won't pretend to know how much that hurts, I can only imagine. We have a teen, a toddler and a baby and my husband and I are still undecided about another child. I wonder if that ever goes away.

I'm sure the whirlwind of media appearances is taking its toll on you right now on top of all your other stresses.

Hang in there! Big hugs to you.

I haven't read the other comments, so I'm sorry if this one just looks like all the others. I hope it doesn't.

When I read this post, my heart cried out for you. If I had seen you crying (or trying not to) on my way into the grocery store and you had just told me this, I don't think I could help but wrap my arms around you and try to somehow trade your heavy, tired, agonizing heart for mine. I have my own worries, sure, but I have no shortage of hope and comfort.

I do hope your life's pace slows down enough that you can take care of yourself during this time. Even if it doesn't, see to it that you make time for things that bring you peace. And when you feel that you cannot find peace anywhere, keep looking. Just like the car keys that grew legs and walked off, peace is there; you just have to look.

Thank you for leaving comments open. I hope some of the support you receive here does you as much good as it does the people who feel the need to give it.

PEACE & SLEEP
PEACE & SLEEP
PEACE & SLEEP

<3

Heather, I have read your work for years, though I don't know if I've ever attempted to lodge my little bit of flotsam in the sea of comments. I am not a person of any particular faith, but this entry reminds me of what Anne Lamott says is her basic default prayer when things get rough; basically, it goes like this: "Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!" I have offered that one up to the universe many, many times, and I'm doing it for you and your family now.

Your words have always been shockingly brave and bold and honest, and more than once I've latched onto them like a vine in the jungle, dragging me out of some dark place. I hope that in voicing your current hard time to your hundreds and thousands of readers, you feel like we can maybe offer that vine back to you. I'll hold onto my end, here, and pull as hard as I can. You're in my thoughts.

You take care of you, Heather. You know we'll all be thinking of you, praying for you, and sending positive karma your way.

January 4, 2004 - my son would have been 2.5 yrs older .. then Sept 2007, my son would have been 6 yrs old .. he is 7 now, and no, I will never forget those two due dates, that came and went without a new baby to hold. So, no, not morbid to remember, just desperately trying to hang on to some shred of what 'could have been'.
I'm really sorry about your step-father, I lost my mil and most recently my aunt to cancer, I truly hope your step-father takes a different route .. I hope he fights it and get completely better so he can continue his wonderful role in Leta's life (I'm SO glad I know it's leeta .. I love that I know how to pronouce her name properly :).
About insomnia - hmm.. not much helps when your worrying, so .. besides the obvious two things .. if there's anything else your worry about .. stop it! Otherwise, talking about it, lots of girlfriends about, try and release some of the anxiety, worry, sadness from you onto them so you can sleep. life is shit sometimes isn't it? then you wake up and thank God (or someone...) that your daughter is healthy, your husband loves you and you are healthy, and you say, you know, life isn't so shit bad afterall. i know it's not that simple, but, it can be. Try to focus on the good .. and I send you hugs....

Ugh! I am so sorry. I don't have any profound advice for you. I lost a baby and I still have a heck of a hard time feeling nice towards pregnant women. I'm bitter for sure.And you know what, that's ok. I'll deal with it when my heart and head can reconcile things. Or when they come up for a cure for crazy, bitter, thirty something women with saddlebags & stretchmarks that won't go away.

I hope good things for you and your Step Dad. I don't have a particular God I worship but I agree that good thoughts and positive visualization go a long way in helping your heart and head fix things. Margaritas help, too.

I enjoy your blog and you give me such a case of giggles at lunch time (read uncontrollable laughter that makes me snort or fart...in my cubicle). I hope all of the love and warm fuzzies we all send to you helps lift your spirits. You are needed and loved and we all hope you find a way to heal the hurt & worry.

Thinking of you and your family Heather.

I discovered you only recently but thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. I am thinking of you and hoping for the best. I'm glad you have so many people you can talk to during this difficult time.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time and I'm REALLY sorry to hear about your stepfather. My own father had lymphoma and went through chemo treatments and a stem cell transplant. That was ten years ago and he's been 100% cancer free ever since - they seriously work miracles with these days. That said, I know how hard it is and how helpless and awful it feels to have a sick family member. I really hope he has a speedy recovery and that things get easier for your family.

I am Mormon and I still don't "know." I think people who claim to have all the answers are fooling themselves. Here's hoping you find comfort and peace, in whatever form it may come.

You are loved. There are so many who are by your side in spirit.

You and yours will be in my thoughts.

I'm sorry to hear. Hope things turn around. (I was going to tell you I'm a dad blogging as a mom now, but doesn't seem the best of times. Here it is anyways http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/05/15/im-a-mother/)

I don't want to gloss over what's happening with your stepfather, because it's an awful awful thing to have to face - my dad died suddenly when I was 19, and there's a part of me that is thankful for not having to know ahead of time, for not having to prepare cuz sometimes preparing is worse than not preparing.

But on the miscarriage, on the flips your stomach does, on hanging onto that unfulfilled due date, you're really not alone. There's a whole community we call the infertility blogosphere who face a lot of these kinds of emotions every day. While you're not necessarily infertile, reading how we feel going through failed cycles, miscarriages, and the emotional ups and downs with our husbands and those constant pregnant bellies that aren't ours, well it might help you - it helps me a lot. It gives me support I never thought complete strangers could.

Heather, just remember: The most important things in life are worth the risk it takes to get them. Don't give up. And you've got Internet friends (Interfriends? friendternets?) sending well-wishes and peace from Charleston, SC.

I am speechless..
It always breaks my heart to hear the C word.

Although you are not sure what you believe...
I believe there is a God... and I will be praying
for your family.

However, what happens after this life? I can't say I know what I believe about that.

I admire your honesty - and I say if you have even the slightest notion to go back to your therapist... RUN! I think our instincts are there to guide us.. and it seems yours are letting you know what you need to do.

Speaking as a person of faith, I can tell you that even people who've made up their minds, so to speak, as to what they believe still don't know what they believe half the time; part of believing - part of living - is being okay with that. But you and your family are in my prayers. Even if I'm not even sure who I'm praying to about half the time.

My grandfather's fighting lymphoma now; it's so incredibly sad.

I'm sorry for your bad news. I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

There is nothing worse than the feeling of helplessness when dealing with a parent's disease, that is excpet for the feeling of helplessnes when it comes to having a miscarriage.

My wife and I went through a miscarriage and the death of her father and my father in the period of a month. What I discovered at that time is that, when you feel like everything has been taken away, when you collapse from the sheer exhaustion of just waiting, when you are pissed off at God and what not, the only thing that can help you is your own spirit. Believe in whatever higher power you want but the truth is your spirit will get you through.

And Vodka. (thats why they call em spirits)

I don't know if you actually read these comments or not, or if you're even interested to know what we really think. But, I'm going to go out on a limb here and share something. About 3 weeks ago I fell deep into that hole that those of us with depression sometimes do, and I fell so deeply that I couldn't help myself anymore. Like you did a few years back, I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. I was voluntarily committed for a week. If I hadn't read your blog and saw how going there helped you (and that you weren't ashamed to admit it), I probably wouldn't have stepped up and made the choice to go. So I'd like to thank you for sharing that part of your life and giving me the courage to get help for myself.

I'm sending good thoughts your way and I'll be keeping your family and stepfather in my thoughts.

Thinking of you. Take care.

While I would like to say something profound, just ... I've had people ask me how I got two black eyes. My reply? From crying. Then, I threaten to give them two black eyes from punching.

P.S. My hair thanks you for the tip on the Aveda Elements stuff. No frizz for two weeks. Bring on jungle-heat-hell-fire-humid-mosquito-haven summer. My hair is ready.

Oh, Heather. I've so been in your shoes. My Mom died of cancer when I was 21. My heart goes out to you, darlin', in every possible way. I'm sending positive thoughts for a full recovery - and also hoping for some moments of peace for you as well.

All the best,
Ann

Heather
I am a new reader and I find you very talented, I have to say one thing about the Mormon faith, my family is Mormon( not me, but a lot of them) My grandma recently passed away and my mom kept saying to her: you are going to see your son now and your husband, and I wanted to punch her in the jaw.... but it is a reassuring feeling... The thinking that "Families are Forever" of course I am not accepted into the Celestial kingdom becasue I don't "practice"
My grandma was not a LDS but my parents are....confusing
Anyway, my mom was STILL trying to push the belief down my grandma while she was dying, and it was wrong. I can say that death, can be peaceful and beautiful. I witnessed it first hand about two weks ago.
Sorry SO long

When you write something like this it really touches me deeply. From my point of view, you seem to be at the top of your game - all of the interviews, your book coming out, everything seems to be going so well - so to hear that you are struggling....well it makes my struggles seem much more real. Does that sound insane? I just think when you write about the imperfections in life it helps the rest of us. Thank you.

I'm sorry! Just know you're not alone in any of what you're feeling. Having company doesn't mean what you're experiencing lacks significance, just that there's understanding out here on the internets. As cheesy as this might sound Maria Shriver appeared on Oprah back in April and through a hectic life of my own I just got the chance to watch it last night. Watching a journalist and Kennedy of such stature admit to her own sense of loss and pain over the big questions she thought she'd already found or inheritted answers to made me feel a little less lonely. While that doesn't help with the real devestation of illness or grief, sometimes just knowing that someone else has walked a similar path without losing themselves or their mind can help.

I wish you peace if nothing else.

Oh, honey. (I'm southern, not condecending) It's ok not to *know*, you already know this. Times like these are why humans came up with religion in the first place. I don't *know* myself, but I do have hope. So I'll pray for you and your family. And I think it's an excellent idea to go see your therapist. Sometimes you just need to talk it out so it doesn't build up and hurt so bad.
All the best.