No, I wasn't punched in the face, this is just what happens when I weep
The past three days have been a whirlwind of chaos, and this is honestly the first moment I've had since Monday to sit down and catch my breath. I had planned to sit down and write about this funny thing that happened at the grocery store the other night, but right now I'm just too sad to do it. And I'm sitting here trying not to cry because this afternoon I'm doing a taping with the local PBS station for a show that's running tonight (see here), and when I cry my eyes swell and bloat to the size of a watermelon.
A couple of weeks ago my dear stepfather, the one who almost had me sentenced to death by firing squad for eating his last slice of bologna, was diagnosed with a lymphoma when they found a tumor the size of a football in his back. He started chemotherapy last week and has since been in and out of the emergency room for complications at least twice. I'm not quite sure how to explain my relationship with my stepfather, only that he is as important to me as my own father and has played such a significant role in Leta's life. He is her Grandpa Rob, and she will carry with her the most amazing memories of sitting at his coffee table to put together puzzles. He has been the most indefatigable support for my mother throughout her busy career in Avon and has sacrificed many of his own ambitions so that she could be the success that she is. He is honest, stubborn, sometimes a total pain in the ass, but mostly he is the type of person who would throw his body in front of a bus if it meant helping you out in the tiniest possible way. He means everything to our family, and now we are all facing the unknown.
Suddenly I'm facing some very confusing feelings. I'm not going to get too much into that here, only to say that where once I had the Mormon religion to inform me, I'm here now without that safety net trying to piece some things together. Which I guess is a way of saying that I'm still trying to figure out what I believe. And I know that admitting that is going to open me up to all sorts of judgment, but I don't think this makes me much different from a lot of people out there who are also trying to figure it all out. I don't think I'm alone in saying, yeah, I don't know, and I'm mostly okay with that. Sometimes, like right now, I'm not okay with that.
I do know that I love my stepfather deeply and want nothing more than for him to get better.
This week would also have been the 40th week of the pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage last October. Is it morbid that I remember the due date, will always remember the due date? Or that I am so incomprehensibly sad about it still? My life has changed so much since that horrible Wednesday afternoon, and Jon and I have had endless debates and conversations about our future and whether or not we should try for another baby knowing that I might have to go through that again. And if you want to know, we are still undecided. Every time I see someone who is pregnant I get a very weird feeling in my stomach, and I think it's from a wild mixture of feelings, one of loss, one of hope, one of knowing that they are having a tremendously difficult time trying to roll over in bed at night and how exhausted they are in the morning, one of envy that they soon will meet that new little person in their life. I don't think I'll ever be able to see someone who is pregnant and not immediately feel my stomach turn a flip.
Right now I am just barely holding my shit together, and I know that I'll be better to handle these feelings if I could just sleep through the night. I've had insomnia for three straight weeks, and my body is slowly collapsing. This may be one of those many instances when I head back to my therapist and say listen, I'm having a hard time, please help me climb this mountain.
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FM Living
B said:
So sorry to hear.
Everyone here is hoping for the best and keeping you in our thoughts.
05.16.08 - 11:04 AM / 1misha said:
:) I love you (and not in that creepy way) and wish you the best.
05.16.08 - 11:05 AM / 2Becky said:
I'm not the type to pray, but I will think positive thoughts and send those thoughts your way.
Hang in there Heather. Remember, you are SUPER strong and you will get through this.
Just think of Kathie Lee hitting on you. That will stop you from crying. Then again...
05.16.08 - 11:06 AM / 3anne said:
Thinking of you and your family.
05.16.08 - 11:06 AM / 4Lisa Hines said:
Hang in there, love.
05.16.08 - 11:07 AM / 5typingelbow said:
I'm sorry that you've had such a rough go of it this week, Heather. I hope that you guys can pull together as a family to get through all the changes you're facing.
05.16.08 - 11:07 AM / 6H said:
Your family will be in my prayers. I think we all struggle to understand what we believe, no matter what "religion" we are or aren't....
And, you are far from the only one who will never forget her due date. I know I won't forget mine, ever. Hang in there...and go talk to your therapist, everyone needs a little help sometimes. If they said they didn't, they'd be lying.
05.16.08 - 11:07 AM / 7memikeyounot said:
I only know you through your blog but admire you and your family greatly. I wish the best for your stepfather and your family as you endure the hell that is cancer treatment.
The thoughts of all your fans are with you.
05.16.08 - 11:07 AM / 8Dyar Momma said:
I just wanted to say I'll be thinking of you and your family. And that your site means a lot to me, your willingness to share helps me out more than you know.
05.16.08 - 11:08 AM / 9Erica said:
What an honest post. We've all been there in one way or another. Good thoughts to you!
05.16.08 - 11:08 AM / 10maggie said:
sorry about your step-dad
05.16.08 - 11:08 AM / 11Kilburina said:
Heather,
wishing you all the best. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you get some sleep.
Kilburina
05.16.08 - 11:08 AM / 12Kim said:
I've been very upset with God after what happened to me in November. Suffice it to say that although I still have faith that someday He will explain why He chose to take my kids, He has to understand I might not speak to him for a while, because I'm still kinda pissed.
I don't have my organized religion safety net by choice right now, but I still have believe that there is something greater at work here.
I'm praying for your stepfather. I'm praying for you to understand why you lost a child, too.
Try soaking green tea bags in ice water and applying them to your eyes, then imbibe your choice of grain alcohol. It might help the swelling.
05.16.08 - 11:08 AM / 13lizandboys said:
So sorry to hear about your stepfather.
I know where you're coming from with the religous aspect of everything...we're lapsed Catholics...the boys are baptized and that's as far as we've gotten (or as far as we'll go). I don't think we'd go back to Catholicism, but don't know where else to turn, but thinking we should give our boys a basis of beliefs, if that makes any sense at all....I envy those that have a strong belief/faith and belong to a religous community, but don't know what we're even looking for....
All the best to your mom and stepdad.
05.16.08 - 11:09 AM / 14Carol said:
One day at a time. Trite, but incredibly true.
You are so loved - even if you don't know which heaven is the one for people who where their jeans TEN sizes too big!
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 15Zoe said:
I know how you feel, in terms of not knowing what to believe. Most of the time, I'm happy in my life, not needing to "believe" in a specific thing, but in the general belief of all things. Usually that makes me feel safe and happy. Sometimes it makes me feel lost and alone. But I wish you and your family the best, and I'm hoping you'll be okay and that you'll be able to find something that will help you through this.
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 16Spring said:
Thank the sweet Lord for therapists. Where would we be without them?
I admire your courage to write about all of this honestly. I also admire your willingness to admit that you don't have it all figured out. I don't have it all figured out, either. And I secretly think that the people who say they have it all figured out? Are liars. Except not so secretly now.
Am sending lots of love vibes your way.
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 17quinn said:
I know I'm probably in the minority here, but you are having a stinking sad week, for completely respectable and comprehensible reasons, and if you should decide to take a few days off from giving us readers our daily shot o'fun, that would be okay.
Balance something on Chuck's head if it makes you happy. Otherwise, just put your emotional calories where they are most needed right now.
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 18Anna Marie said:
Hang in there Heather. I know you probably had thousands of emails last October that said this, but my first pregnancy was a miscarriage and I now have two terrific kids. The sadness does fade, but I still wonder what that child would have been like.
Also, lymphoma is beatable! Keep your chin up and you'll get through this. You are all in my thoughts.
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 19Christy said:
I'm sure you're going to get hundreds of comments on this, but take away a few things: 1) You are loved, by family, friends and complete strangers 2) You can get through this and 3) You getting through this and sharing it with us helps us get through it and our own.
Thank you.
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 20Christy said:
Sending you strength. Take care of yourself. You really should go to your therapist, because this sounds like a time you'll need the extra help.
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 21Kim said:
I am so, so sorry to hear about your stepfather. I am sending positive thoughts your way.
Also, melatonin really helps me when I can't sleep, fyi. It's amazing how much sleep and stress feed off each other.
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 22Liz said:
I don't know either. None of us know. It's scary, but comforting to know that we're all in this together...fumbling and fighting to find the love in it all. Hang in there Heather.
I'm thinking of you and your family.
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 23alexlx said:
great big internet hug to you and yours
05.16.08 - 11:10 AM / 24Nancy R said:
Go. Get the help you need so you can be there for your family, Mom and Stepdad.
It's not morbid at all that you remember your due date. The baby was real to you, and it IS a sad thing to have a miscarriage.
My thoughts are with you.
05.16.08 - 11:11 AM / 25Amy Lee said:
as one of the mormons who clings desperately to a shred of faith, mainly to avoid grappling with what it means to let go, i wish you all the best in your continued honest exploration. i think there are so many mormons who will overlook just about anything to avoid facing the idea that families may not be together forever, at least not in the way they learned in primary.
i dont have children yet, mainly because of my inconsistent thoughts and feelings on this subject and i, too, experience a mix of profound emotions upon seeing anyone else's burgeoning belly. i can only imagine how those feelings are compounded for you and i wish you all the best.
thank you for sharing and articulating the thought that some of us are not yet brave enough to tell our families, let alone the world.
05.16.08 - 11:11 AM / 26GEMMERZZ said:
if there is one thing that you've shown us (as an audience), it's the incredible strength you have, but weeping is something we all need to do once in a while... and when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place as it seems you are, there usually isn't anything better than a good cry.
and though it's been said several times already, your family is in my thoughts and prayers. :)
05.16.08 - 11:11 AM / 27PaintingChef said:
The heartbreak of a miscarriage is not one that you ever leave behind. That was still your child. And will always be part of who you are. So yes, still being so sad about it completely normal.
And as far as not being sure what you believe... join the club. Because I don't have a damn clue. Only that I haven't found what makes the most sense to me yet.
Good luck, I hope things get easier. But these are times when you are lucky to have an awesome family to lean on.
05.16.08 - 11:11 AM / 28Jennifer said:
Sorry about your stepdad. Hope treatments work and he has many more years.
As for the miscarriage, of course it's normal. It hurts like hell to lose a baby, and who wouldn't remember the due date (other than perhaps a crack whore who didn't want it to begin with)? I was supposed to have twins but lost one at 10 weeks. I have a living, breathing, constant reminder of that, and I often wonder what he/she would have been like and how much different my own daughter would have been as part of that duo.
My husband and I had to go through IVF to get our two precious miracles and I'll tell you, I had some much darker feelings seeing pregnant women back in those painful days. My hope for you and Jon is that the miscarriage was your first and only and that you have no problems getting and staying pregnant again (if that is what you decide).
05.16.08 - 11:11 AM / 29Renee said:
Thinking about you Heather...I really related to this post; thanks for your raw honesty. Love you!
05.16.08 - 11:11 AM / 30