No, I wasn't punched in the face, this is just what happens when I weep
The past three days have been a whirlwind of chaos, and this is honestly the first moment I've had since Monday to sit down and catch my breath. I had planned to sit down and write about this funny thing that happened at the grocery store the other night, but right now I'm just too sad to do it. And I'm sitting here trying not to cry because this afternoon I'm doing a taping with the local PBS station for a show that's running tonight (see here), and when I cry my eyes swell and bloat to the size of a watermelon.
A couple of weeks ago my dear stepfather, the one who almost had me sentenced to death by firing squad for eating his last slice of bologna, was diagnosed with a lymphoma when they found a tumor the size of a football in his back. He started chemotherapy last week and has since been in and out of the emergency room for complications at least twice. I'm not quite sure how to explain my relationship with my stepfather, only that he is as important to me as my own father and has played such a significant role in Leta's life. He is her Grandpa Rob, and she will carry with her the most amazing memories of sitting at his coffee table to put together puzzles. He has been the most indefatigable support for my mother throughout her busy career in Avon and has sacrificed many of his own ambitions so that she could be the success that she is. He is honest, stubborn, sometimes a total pain in the ass, but mostly he is the type of person who would throw his body in front of a bus if it meant helping you out in the tiniest possible way. He means everything to our family, and now we are all facing the unknown.
Suddenly I'm facing some very confusing feelings. I'm not going to get too much into that here, only to say that where once I had the Mormon religion to inform me, I'm here now without that safety net trying to piece some things together. Which I guess is a way of saying that I'm still trying to figure out what I believe. And I know that admitting that is going to open me up to all sorts of judgment, but I don't think this makes me much different from a lot of people out there who are also trying to figure it all out. I don't think I'm alone in saying, yeah, I don't know, and I'm mostly okay with that. Sometimes, like right now, I'm not okay with that.
I do know that I love my stepfather deeply and want nothing more than for him to get better.
This week would also have been the 40th week of the pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage last October. Is it morbid that I remember the due date, will always remember the due date? Or that I am so incomprehensibly sad about it still? My life has changed so much since that horrible Wednesday afternoon, and Jon and I have had endless debates and conversations about our future and whether or not we should try for another baby knowing that I might have to go through that again. And if you want to know, we are still undecided. Every time I see someone who is pregnant I get a very weird feeling in my stomach, and I think it's from a wild mixture of feelings, one of loss, one of hope, one of knowing that they are having a tremendously difficult time trying to roll over in bed at night and how exhausted they are in the morning, one of envy that they soon will meet that new little person in their life. I don't think I'll ever be able to see someone who is pregnant and not immediately feel my stomach turn a flip.
Right now I am just barely holding my shit together, and I know that I'll be better to handle these feelings if I could just sleep through the night. I've had insomnia for three straight weeks, and my body is slowly collapsing. This may be one of those many instances when I head back to my therapist and say listen, I'm having a hard time, please help me climb this mountain.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- "If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair." http://is.gd/51YQV
- Old enough to know how to spell guitar. RT @GIUATARHERO: @dooce how old are you stupid
- Look who isn't fazed by the foot of snow on the ground: http://flic.kr/p/7hNjCE
601. Rebecca Ward said:
I wish we could kick life in the nutts sometimes. I am definitely praying for yall.
602. Caitlin said:
Sending positive vibes your way. It always seems to pile on at once.
603. V said:
Monday will be the 16th anniversary of my twins birth/death--I still get weepy all that day and then again on their due date of September 9. For 16 years.
604. Creature of Habit said:
Don't keep it bottled up.
As someone who has traveled a very similar path, just don't let all of it ping pong around in your head and come crashing down all at once. You've had tremendous professional pressure, family pressure and now heartache.
I think for some, most, religion is a conduit to get these emotions and feelings out. And being able to pinpoint things as 'god's will' or 'fate' or 'part of a plan' really helps focus their minds and get through highs and lows. On their own or part of a community. In that sense I support that aspect faith and religion and think it's truly wonderful and amazing.
At the same time, it's not for me, I'd go the therapist route or a long, long walk in the woods by myself.
Do what you need to do to keep your mind steady and your family close.
Please know that you are in the minds and hearts of many.
605. cattitude said:
Add my thoughts to the many others here who are thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way, Heather. *hug*
606. La BellaDonna said:
Oh, Heather, I'm so very sorry. My prayers are with you, and with all your family. I don't know if I can offer hope, but I can sure offer the prayers - and I do, gladly.
And for what it's worth, you are far from being the only woman to count off anniversary dates in terms of a pregnancy that didn't finish the way it should have. It is possible that you will always be remembering the dates that attach to it; I hope that time softens the immediacy of the ache.
Get all the help you can in the days that come.
{Hug}
607. jck said:
My husband is an oncologist. In fact, he's the clinical director of the lymphoma program at his hospital. Can we help?
I remember the due dates of my miscarriages. Still.
608. Kat said:
Heather, I'm so sorry about your stepfather. I hope that all turns out well with him.
And I'm sorry you're having such a rough week. I totally understand where you're coming from on trying again or not after a miscarriage. I had two before I had my youngest, I wouldn't have tried a fourth time but time number three was it. It's very hard to go through and nobody really understands it if they haven't been there. I hope you find some peace about it and are able to make up your mind.
And I hope you get some sleep soon.
609. Jess said:
Of course you read all these!
It sucks not to know, but no one knows. I think all we can do is hope to learn how to believe.
610. Steve said:
My thoughts are with all of you and I wish you real rest.
611. Musing said:
I'm so sorry to hear about your step-father. I have a loved one who is battling cancer so I sympathize. Life sucks sometimes.
612. SydneyDawn said:
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now.
613. Chiara said:
Oh Heather, my heart goes out to you. I too am a recovering Mormon. It was at my grandfather's funeral a few years ago that I realized the role religion plays in times like those. It gives you a structure, a set of things to do, at a time when you are at a complete loss. I never miss The Faith until times like that, and yes, I know the irony in that.
I'm glad that you have your family around you. I'm glad that you aren't alone. I know you will get through this. *hug*
614. Bahiyyih said:
It sounds like all of those feelings of bone-crushing with the sad would be in order, especially considering the broad range of intense experiences you're having right now. Poor you! I vote go back to the therapist. We (ANY of us) would need someone to help us cry out way out of that one. I SO admire your courage in voicing that as an option in the midst of this.
It sounds like your stepdad is living a beautiful, useful life surrounded by people who love and respect him. What more could any of us ask for out of this life we live? Whether he's getting to the last act or not, he's in my prayers. I believe in a God that gathers us all up in His hands, sees us (warts and all), and loves us for everything we are and everything we try to be. You and your family remain in my prayers... and it looks like I'm not the only one! Chin up, love. :-)
615. Stu Mark said:
First, I do so admire the courage you have. I strongly believe that this courage is what will see you through. It's ok to be unsure, it's brave to admit it to your family/friends. You have many, many wonderful qualities; one of your best is your fearlessness, your ability to lay it all out on the line and accept it for what it is, in the moment. You never shrink from these challenges and you give such courage to others who face such challenges. You are a gift.
Second, judgment is part of this experience you are in. Others will judge you, and you get to choose what to listen to and what to not listen to. That's the upside of judgment, it doesn't really exist as anything more than sound waves - it's just like having a radio in your head, where if you hear a bad song, you can just change the station. You won't be able to turn it off (unless you unplug yourself from all other human contact), but you have complete control over the content.
And yeah, you really are a tremendous gift. If you don't believe me, ask Jon to be your mirror.
616. anne said:
Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone in feeling lost in what you believe in. I think feeling lost in what you believe is more real than knowing.
A good friend of mine once gave me a quote that I will never forget, "As we sit here looking at the women we've become, we realize we are better than perfect -- we are real." It's from Maya Angelou. I grew up in UT, not in a Mormon family, but surrounded by "the church" and can empathize.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, for being so real and sharing some much. I feel better about being real know that there are women like you in the world.
617. Megan said:
Wow, will you even see my comment with the other 610 before mine? I had to comment even if there's the possibility you won't. I'm just so moved by your bravery in sharing where you're really at and your openness in admitting your questions. Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you.
618. The Fisherman's Daughter said:
Dear Sweet Heather
There is zero shame in heading back to the therapist for talk or "something stronger". You have A LOT on your plate right now and consulting with a trusted professional sounds like exactly the balm to soothe and help you cope.
Without trying to be all Sally Sunshine and invoke Unicorn shitting rainbows...Best of all possible wishes for a brighter tomorrow.
619. Nikki said:
We all need a therapist sometimes and it's because of my therapist that I didn't fall into a vat of depression that I would have never escaped on my own.
Everything will be okay and you will be stronger for it, I truly believe this.
620. Ani said:
I still remember that August 2007 was the date I would have had my first child if it weren't for an ectopic.
621. Lily said:
Dude - that sucks. You're awesome.
622. Sarah said:
I am so sorry to hear about all of this, I am with you, when in doubt see the therapist.
623. Janet said:
The comments are a mesh of religious advice and condolences... I just want to offer my condolences. Spirituality is a very personal reality, and your self-discovery in that realm has my upmost respect. It's terribly hard to watch someone you love suffer.
I'd also like to wish you luck on the PBS thang. Truly, break a leg and all that. All of your readers love you.
624. Yankee Amanda said:
I, too, am hitting what would have been week 40 after a miscarriage last October. I join you in the sadness. I had another miscarriage in February. That made my 3rd. All I can tell you is that yes, I still remember the dates of the would-have-been. Yes, it is still difficult to see a woman who is experiencing what I was expecting to experience. In fact, a friend of mine just had her baby - we were due around the same time.
And not knowing what you believe can happen no matter how strongly you believe whatever you believe. As an "evangelistic" Christian, it still happens to me when going through difficult situations.
625. Tosha said:
It's comforting to me to know that I'm not the only one. On May 11th, the baby I lost in September 2006 would have been 1 year old. I still cry every now and then, and losing that one has made me all the more grateful for my beautiful amazing miracle named Elijah, who will turn 1 on July 10th.
626. Anonymous said:
Thank you for opening the comments. I came over from Google Reader really hoping they were open.
From one mother aching to be pregnant with her second child to another, my thoughts and prayers are with you. They're Mormon prayers, hope you don't mind. :)
I sincerely wish and hope the best for your family. I love and adore you more than you know. Remember, there's always sunlight after the rain.
*hugs
627. Anonymous said:
Thank you for opening the comments. I came over from Google Reader really hoping they were open.
From one mother aching to be pregnant with her second child to another, my thoughts and prayers are with you. They're Mormon prayers, hope you don't mind. :)
I sincerely wish and hope the best for your family. I love and adore you more than you know. Remember, there's always sunlight after the rain.
*hugs
628. Jen said:
Your raw honesty and uncertainty in this post is very human, very refreshing. I hope the best for your family and for you in struggling to figure out the really big questions.
629. J.Rube said:
Heather - I've never commented before. I've only even been here once or twice. But, you struck me today with your entry. I would have been in my 40th week this week, too, and am watching two of my close friends prepare for their babies' arrival any day now. It sux.
I try to be happy for them. I try to comment kindly when they send out new belly pics or nursery room pics. I try not to scream (out loud anyway) when they complain about their final few weeks of discomfort. But, it sux.
I just wanted you to know that you're not alone out there. I feel it too.
Jodi xo
630. Heather said:
Heather,
I can only imagine what a difficult time this is for you and your family. Thank you for being so open and honest about everything that's happening in your life.
I'll just say one thing about the miscarriage-- my mom had three in a row after my brother was born (and before I was born). When I was younger, I sometimes asked her about it. It was awkward, because if she had had those babies, I wouldn't have ever been born. Her take on it was both very rational and very spiritual. "It wasn't meant to be," was all she said. She told me that thinking of it that way helped her not mourn the loss too much. Thankfully they kept trying (even though my grandmother tried to convince my mom to be happy with just one!), and I was born-- very close to your birthday, July 20, 1975.
My thoughts are with you and your family,
Heather F.
631. Sarah said:
Hugest hugs Heather.
I'm so very sorry to hear about your stepfather. My thoughts & well-wishes are with him!
I had 3 miscarriages before finally getting pregnant with my now 4 month old daughter. It was very, very difficult to see those due-dates come & go. I don't think anyone really understands the grieving that comes after a miscarriage unless they've been there themselves. I hope you can find some peace, one way or another.
Hugs again. This really is far more than any person should have to deal with in one day.
632. stella said:
Heather, we are all with you and feel your pain. Life is so confusing sometimes and it doesn't matter where you come from...there are just days when you need to feel sad, confused and cry your eyes out. Know that you are loved by your readers!
633. Eighty eight said:
My family has been riddled with cancer and just last year we had just found out that my mom, my best friend, had two large tumors, one in her pancreas and one in her liver. She has also lived with Thyroid Cancer for more years than I can remember. I also just posted on our blog http://www.ladiosadevino.com/2008/04/she-only-has-weeks.html the story of my aunt who was given two weeks to live last June, and is still alive and kicking.
I thought cancer was a death sentence and we have been blessed, they may die, but with research and hope we have been given more time. It's a time sentence...
Here's a hug from me to you. Shut the door, close your eyes and dream of watching beautiful Leta grow up and all the moms you have helped and the entertainment you have provided.
634. gadfly1974 said:
No judgment here. Just prayers, if you don't object.
635. Mojo said:
I am a big fan of counseling. Go! The absolute relief of talking to someone objective and finding out you're not a freak and you're not alone is worth any price.
Praying for you and your family.
636. tiffany said:
I hope that you will figure out a way to tak care of you. I hate it when you don't write new posts, but if you need a break you should take it and rejuvinate. I'll be praying for you and your family.
637. Lesley said:
Sending warm healing thoughts to your step-dad and am visualizing that tumour shrinking to a sliver of nothing that floats up and away from him.
Having gone through this with my mother I know exactly what you're experiencing. The pain comes in unscheduled waves, impossible to control. There's nothing to do except allow yourself the space to express your anxiety and sorrow. Cancel anything you can't handle and just give yourself the space to be and to feel. It's alright.
This may sound dumb but prior to the hectic time with my mom - before I flew out to be with her - I found myself in odd little shops that sold talismans and symbolic objects. I collected a number of these and carried them with me everywhere. One small heart-shaped rose quartz piece I stumbled across - and gave to my mother - has become intensely meaningful. During her illness I kept it pressed between our hands during the hours we spent together and would tuck it into the sheets of her bed. After she passed I retrieved it and now I carry it with me everywhere. It's come to symbolize our relationship and the healing we did together.
You will get through this. Just give yourself the space and put less important things aside. Attach yourself to the things and people that hold meaning for you and let everything else go.
638. Kristy said:
When I was about 17, I left behind organized religion (being raised in the Church of Christ in Tennessee/Texas can do that to you!), but I do continue to pray. I will keep your family in my prayers.
639. Jen said:
I'm so sorry. And like many others have said, it's okay not to know, do any of us really know? We can have hope, and that's what I wish for you, hope and goodness and peace. And I figure, why not pray, it doesn't do us any harm. Sometimes a good prayer is just what we all need.
640. Katie! said:
I will add my voice to the chorus of adoring fans and internet friends who love you, love your family, and support you through anything that life can throw at you. Go see your therapist, spend time with your family, and take care of yourself. "This too will pass. Just like a kidney stone." (Hunter Madsen said that, and I love it)
Sending warm, positive thoughts your way.
641. JS said:
Hey there, just want to send some care your way over the 'net. I am so sorry you are in pain over your stepfather's situation. I work with the American Cancer Society - if you or your family has questions about the cancer, etc., please call 1-800-ACS-2345 or visit cancer.org. That phone # is open 24/7 so call whenever, but if I hear reports of an obscene caller at 3:00am, saying the word boob a lot, I'll place my bets that it was you on the other end. =)
Also truly sorry you are in pain/struggling with your beliefs. I rejected my Christian faith and then later, found it for the first time, if that makes sense. What I learned from that is everyone has to go through their own process in their own time. No one can or should judge that. I am very firm in my faith now and man, I'd be lost without it, so from that place, I pray you find what you need and want. But more than that, I pray you make your way through your own process.
Thank you so much for blessing us all with your life's ups and downs.
642. Anonymous said:
Hi Heather,
Being very strong in my religion, I can tell you have faith and lots of it! It really does not matter where you are or have been, your faith stays with you. It is that faith that helps you deal with life's difficulties. I am praying for your father-in-law that he responds well to treatment. I hope the Dr's figure out what is causing him to be so sick. My sister just finished her last round of treatments for stage 3 breast cancer. She has a clean bill of health and I hope your father-in-law does as well soon!
As for your loss, you will always remember and it is very normal.
Take care of yourself. Make a cup of hot tea, chocolate, coffee, add a shot of "kick" and get some sleep!
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
643. Suzanne said:
So sorry about your stepfather, if you don't have everything figured out then welcome to the ranks of most of us questioning and sometimes floundering along.
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, we've now passed that due date twice and I still note it mentally. The first time it passed I was getting ready for IVF #3, the second time I had a 3 month old daughter. The joy of the child I had lightened the weight of sadness I felt about the child I lost but it was still there. Having a miscarriage totally screws you out of the pure joy you could have when you get to be pregnant and nothing bad ever happens, sadly most of us spend our successful pregnancies waiting for the other shoe to drop. But a lot of times it doesn't and you get to bring home a real live baby at the end. Keep that in mind while you are deciding, sometimes things go to shit but a lot of times they end up perfectly.
644. Jan Richards said:
I'm so sorry about all that is weighing down your heart and mind right now. I hope for the best for your step-in-front-of-the-bus-for-those-he-loves stepfather (he sounds gruff and crusty with a big old soft heart of gold, like a wonderful older brother I had).
As for your reaction now about your October miscarriage, I'll just say that even 25 years later, I still remember the due date of a baby we lost (Sept. 18), and the day we lost (and saw) her or him (Feb. 21). So no, your reaction is not a surprise at all. Those little members of our families who could not stay were a part of our lives, and always will be.
In case it helps, whatever you find your beliefs are, here's a cloud I once saw that still makes me smile, and makes me pause (and I'm not always sure what my own spiritual beliefs are. They're kind of like a calico cat: a little of a lot of things, not all of any one):
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jcgr1/525898326/in/set-72157600527686189/
645. Karen said:
I hope you're able to get some rest... everything is so much easier to take when your body/mind is rested after a nice sleep.
Hope you get through the rough patch and all your readers are pullin' for ya. Anyone who says they've got It all figured out is just guessing! No one knows for sure that God(dess) exists or heaven/hell--- nada, so there!
646. Tania said:
I lost my stepfather to cancer, and it was devastating for my mom and for us kids as well. My heart goes out to you and your family right now and I'll be sending some positive love and energy your way. It sounds like you have a ton to bear and that is never easy, and I appreciate your willingness to share your feelings. All my best from a faithful reader who has never commented.
647. MrsSchmitty said:
I am so sorry to hear about your step-father. I am sending hugs and happy thoughts your way. I am wishing for a full recovery!
648. Grace said:
I'm sad to hear about your step-dad. It's hard to put into words what we feel about the people who mean so much to us.
And your remember your due date? I had a miscarriage about 8.5 years ago and I still remember that I was due June 15. So it's not a strange thing. It just is. You gave your heart and were invested into the pregnancy. So it's normal to have residual tuggings and remember.
{{{hugs}}} to you and your family.
649. shinygolden said:
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way from near Memphis. Seconding and thirding the people who say "Get thee to thy therapist, NOW!" Insomnia can really exacerbate depression/anxiety, and send you farther down the rabbit hole. There's no reason for you not to get help!
My pdoc helped me AWESOMELY with my insomnia. I bless him nightly as I sleep 8 hours and wake up feeling okay about life, even if it IS hard at times. Mail me if you want to know what he prescribes.
Also, do not forget--sometimes religion is about asking the right questions, not serving up ready answers. I think you're asking good questions, and if you get some rest and can think again, you'll be all right, hon.
650. jessicaAPISS said:
Rosaries clicking for you, your stepdad, your stomach flips, and especially so that you can f-ing sleep.
Lurker love!
651. Lori said:
Heather,
I'm sure someone has already said it - but I don't have time to read all 644 comments. It is perfectly normal to feel sad at the 40 week point after a miscarriage. Your body knows what was supposed to happen, even if you've tried to get passed it. It's 21 years since our first miscarriage and every October I remember without even trying. It will pass, but it is part of the grieving process and you'll feel better if you allow yourself to grieve through this again.
Hoping everything goes well with your stepfather.
652. Hannah J said:
hey Heather.
I read your post and knew what I wanted to say now I got to the comment box I can't find the words.
I send you massive hugs and will pray for you while you have this rough patch (that is if you don't mind) my best friend used to tell me the mountains in life are rough and can take a long time but you just remeber at the top there is an amazing view that will make it all worth it.
I hope this is a little gem to you.
Han
653. Rick said:
Bless you, Heather. Your caring nature will see you through.
654. KtotheT said:
Heather,
I hope all turns out well. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I don't know you personally, but I feel like after reading your blog faithfully for the last couple of years that you are a friend. You're a strong, brave woman with a strong support system. You will get through this. I hope you find sleep, answers and peace.
K.
655. Caitling said:
I look ridiculous too after crying, it sucks. When I was experiencing depression over the winter, it didn't work, but usually a couple benedryl will knock me out, I guess its worth saying. I hope your step-dad makes progress very soon and you figure out the baby thing, good luck if you decide to try again. Sorry this comment's long, I've been reading since 2005 and its my first.
~Willing positive energy your way
PS Have you ever read about qi gong? From what i've read it can work some miracles and I guess everything is worth a shot when it comes to serious illnesses~
656. erica said:
I don't know what I believe, either, in matters like this. But I do know that knowing there are people out in the world thinking positive thoughts for you, and thinking well of you, and hoping everything will turn out okay, can make a difference, even if it's only in making you feel less alone, more loved, or like the collective good will could maybe lift you up just a little.
Which is a long way to say, I am thinking good thoughts for you, whatever good that may do.
657. Zenmomma said:
Oh Heather I'm sending hugs and zen thoughts your way. Hang in there and remember to breathe deep, hug long and hard, and know that people really do love you. Especially us creepy internet stalker types. ;-)
658. Anonymous said:
Heather, i don't know if you even read every comment, but i wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. being someone raised by "religion" i had a difficult time finding truth. it was a long road, and continues to be a journey. having my faith is now the most important thing in my life, and i don't know how i would survive without it. I know you will find your way. i'll keep you in my prayers.
659. Anonymous said:
You don't have to be a member of the Mormon church to turn to God.
God Bless You.
660. Stacy said:
Heather,
Sending you and your family love and positive thoughts. (And a solid night's sleep!). Sometimes life just sucks and there's nothing you can do but cry...and that's perfectly ok.
I don't know if this will help, but the book that really changed my outlook on what I believe is "Life After Death" by Deepak Chopra. Well, actually I listened to the audiobook at night when I couldn't sleep. Deepak's voice is very soothing...he seems more spiritual than religious to me. I feel so much better about *not knowing* after listening to that book.
PS: I miscarried between my first and second daughter. It is an experience that I still remember with sadness as well. I am glad we did try again and with success. I don't know what I'd do or who I'd be without my two girls! If you want another one you should go for it. The benefits definitely outweigh the risks :)
Take care of yourself,
~Stacy
661. Laura Scarborough said:
18 years later, i still remember the due date of my twin angels. i wish i knew if we ever forget. i do know we can recall with a dull ache in time and then with a wistful smile of the road not taken. were those girls carried to term and alive today i don't think i would have ended up where i am and with all that i am blessed with.
my thoughts are with you and your family today, especially for your step-dad.
662. Liz said:
While I have already enjoyed your blog, I could never say I related to it. You speak of your dogs (I have none), your daughter (again, none) and your religious background (you guessed it...) Our lives are nothing alike but that has always been okay because I think you're honest, and smart, and funny, and I just enjoy reading.
But, now we do have something in common. Those awful, great, weepy, hopeful feelings we feel when we see a pregnant woman. I had a miscarriage on a Monday afternoon this past March. My due date was Oct 3. I don't think it's a date I will ever forget, and I'm not sure I want to just yet.
I hope that we both learn to be okay with the memories of what we could have had. I would give anything to be uncomfortable in bed, to be going broke because cribs cost so fucking much. I hope I can move past that soon and decide that I WILL BE OKAY if we should get pregnant and a miscarriage happens again. I really hope that for you too.
663. Sally said:
I still start crying when I think about the night my Mum told me she had cancer. It's not morbid to remember the due date. And there's no rules on how long you can be sad for.
No one climbs mountains on their own, you're supposed to have a support crew, including experts.
But the watermelon eyes thing, I'm pretty sure I know that one. Assuming you mean "a big watermelon with the rind peeled off". Because I see it in the mirror every time I cry, and I feel your pain there.
And yeah, it seems most of us that leave a religion behind flounder a bit when it comes to a crisis. But eventually we sort it out, and we only have to go with what works for us. None of that other stuff getting in the way.
I'll cross my fingers for you.
Also, I thought the Recaptcha box said "sufficient carbs" and I was wondering, "how did they know?".
664. Anonymous said:
Go download this song...
"Breathe" by Alexi Murdoch. Listen and just breathe.
Peace. Love. and Prayers (from a total "Jack episcopialian" that still believes in the power of positive intention).
Kristin
665. Emily said:
It's not a baby hippo, but maybe some very cute anteater photos will help cheer you up for a few minutes?
http://www.darkroastedblend.com/2008/05/anteater-coolness.html
666. lymphoma buddy said:
My thoughts are with your stepfather and your family during this time. I'm completing my treatment for lymphoma as we speak and know the support of loved ones will only help in his journey.
667. Anonymous said:
Heather - A friend of mine got an intuitive reading years after a miscarriage. She didn't mention anything about it to the reader, but the reader saw this child. The reader said its spirit was there with her, watching over her. Maybe your 2nd child is watching over you......?
And this is something I came across the other day, the South African cancer bush, that makes cancer cells explode. I don't know anything about it nor do I have any ties...I'm just passing it along as bathroom reading for you. :)
http://www.sutherlandiaopc.com/
Best of everything to you!
668. Jami said:
Thank you for your honesty. I am sending as many positive thoughts your way as I can. I wish you all the best. Hang in there.
669. Anonymous said:
Heather,
I lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage almost a year ago. I doubt I'll ever forget my due date. However, things have come full circle. I actually ovulated that day this February and am now 16 weeks pregnant. Not a day goes by that I don't secretly worry it's all going to end in some unforeseen disaster but not a day goes by that I'm not incredibly excited for this new adventure growing inside me.
670. Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said:
I understand every word you have written. I lost twin boys in February, I was due on 7/20.
and I write to you just one word: ELAVIL.
It's a miracle antidepressant that even helps you sleep.
671. Elizabeth said:
Much love to you Heather!
Here's to HOPE!
And some sleep....
672. Del said:
Heather, I was thinking about that miscarriage and about your hoping for another child less than thirty minutes before I read this entry. I don't even think I subconsciously remembered the anniversary; I just think about what you write here a lot. I am so sorry about Leta's Grandpa Rob, and for God's sakes, lady, PBS is the last group of people on earth for whom you have to hold it together. You are brave and strong and if you have grapefruit eyes going into the shoot, well, when on earth has your life ever been normal? We still love you. We still believe in you. We still support you and your family with our whole hearts and minds. Oh, and no one ever has all the answers about the divine; people spend their entire professional and personal lives trying to unravel those mysteries. Just know that this many people pulling for you has to do something, for real.
673. Dana J. Wyzard said:
Baby Steps. One catastrophy at a time. Right now, it's your step-father on the front burner. Nothing else matters. Later, when your strength returns and your thoughts again turn to nature and nuture, you will be in a position to think about another child.
It matters not that you threw away the Mormon religion. We ALL have doubts whether jewish, catholic, mormon, etc., the only ones who never seem to doubt are athiests and I wonder why.
674. Addie said:
Heather, you are an amazing woman.
I think that even with people who have a solid-as-rock belief system, something will always inevitably shake it up a bit. I am so sorry to hear about your challenges with your stepfather. He sounds like a treasure.
As for the baby, I can't answer your question if you'll ever forget the due date. (I know that was a rhetorical question, but I'll take it upon myself to respond) From my experience I miscarried on Christmas Eve and the baby was due on my birthday. That was 10 years ago and there isn't a Christmas or birthday that goes by where I don't feel despair, sadness and emptiness in our family for that child that is missing.
Thank you for sharing this very real time with us.
675. brenda said:
I am not a religious person. I used to be spiritual but I am not that anymore either.
When someone sneezes I say, "salute" which is what they say in Latin American countries. I took Spanish a few years ago and it seemed a nice substitute. My husband took German in high school and he uses the German phrase (which I cannot spell so I won't be specific here)
Not knowing who to ask favors of or to thank for blessings is really hard.
I hope things go well for your family and you find peace.
676. Jade said:
{hugs}
I'm so sorry to hear about your step-father. I'm dealing with something similar with my dad right now, too. It's hard to feel so lost and helpless, but it helps me to think that it will pass. Life continues to move forward, dragging us along in it's wake when needed. Well wishes to him and you!
As for remembering the due date, no, it's not morbid. That was a little person that was going to be in your life. Who was going to give you love, and who you would love no matter what. I think that he/she deserves to be honoured. I've never gone through a miscarriage, but I've known people who have. The pain is amazing! Eventually it fades. You'll always remember that little person who just wasn't ready yet, but the pain of that memory will someday be bearable.
You of all people should know that there is no shame in going to your therapist! With so much going on, it's no wonder you have insomnia! Go. Go talk about everything, get it out of your system. Keeping it all right there, where it can torture you, is only doing yourself more harm.
Take care of yourself. Only then can you take care of others. You are loved.
677. Dana said:
I really hope things happen for the best. Hang in there. Hopefully things will work themselves out.
678. Lisa81 said:
I had hodgkins lymphoma in '01. I'm 44 now and cancer free! My mass was in my chest and huge. I had chemo and radiation. It worked for me and it can for your dear stepdad! Don't give up! I'm from Ky. E-mail me if you want to vent. Sorry your family has to go through this. Lisa
679. Anonymous said:
So many people have commented, and I wish I could say something amazing and profound. But I can't.
You look so sad for most of that interview (which, by the way, was a million miles from Kathy-Lee's inane babbling) but you lit up as you got the chance to really explain and explore what you do with this Blog.
You are a writer. You write what we think and feel, you lay yourself bare in a way that encourages and inspires us to follow on after you. You create community through this weird internet nothingness.
Thinking of you and your family.
680. mir said:
hey there, dooce - i started reading your blog after seeing you on the today show.... oh how i wish i would've found you sooner! however, so thankful i tuned in that day...... i'm sending you good thoughts and (don't be too mad), i'm praying for you too... the stepfather, the miscarriage, the uncertainty of what you believe.... i'm right there in the middle of it too, on all three counts. good luck - and if you figure anything out, give me a holler (you'll have to excuse the southern drawl).
take care,
mir
681. SilverPoet said:
You guys are in my thoughts. I'm so sorry to hear about your step-father. I'm sending all the good vibes I can. Yes, I send "vibes" not because I'm new age-y like that, but because like you, I'm not sure what I believe sometimes...I think it's normal. Vibes.
Hang in there and do what you need to do. As much as not sleeping is the body normal reaction to stress...we need some to deal with all the bullshit. Hopefully you get some soon.
682. Jill Mormon said:
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Even if you're not the type to pray, whatever good karma I have to send will come to you the only I know to send it.
I'm Mormon and even though we're supposed to be so certain and matter of fact about death and beyond, I'm simply not. I think anyone who says they are is kind of bullcrapping themselves. None of us will truly know until it is time. To wonder about, and even fear that unknown is human, and we're entitled to it.
It doesn't mean I don't believe, it just means that the enormity of death and grief will never be easily explained. Period.
683. workroom said:
my god pbs rules...
i could listen to all of your posts with background music and craftily edited spoken word 24/7...
kudos to kued (and i despise the word kudos)
thanks again for doing what you do
: )
(and a hearty hug w/manly-back pat to jon for his support and love as well)
684. Caren said:
Sending you lots and lots of love.
The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society has great outreach services if you or your family need to talk or anything. Their site can be found here: http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/hm_lls
685. Jennifer said:
The Quiet World
In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she doesn't respond,
I know she's used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
Jeffrey McDaniel
686. Anonymous said:
I will be praying for you! Hang in there!
~Meredith
687. bohica said:
I have no idea if you read these comments or not. And for once I didn't scan all of them before posting, so here it is:
You have mental health issues; people with mental health issues need sleep. It's RULE ONE with big ol' capital letters, Mrs. Armstrong. You don't know me from Adam, but I share that aspect of your life, and this is one thing that has been drilled into me by psychiatrist and psychologist. Get thee to your shrink, and do it fast. Could be time for a med change; sometimes you go through what is referred to as a Medication Breakthrough, which simply means your symptoms have broken through your medication dosage. Time for a check-up. But sleep? VITAL for those of us with any mental health issue.
Off my pedestal now ... and my absolute best wishes for your step-father.
688. Audrey said:
Peace, strength, love. You can do this.
♥
689. nelking said:
So sorry to hear....
I've chosen to have faith in people not religion. Take care of yourself, have faith in yourself, your family and friends. The best part of religion is the community not the answers to why is life so shitty sometimes. You have an incredible community of support and that's really what it is all about.
All my best wishes to you and your family... your talent for writing and humor has helped me get through. Thanks for that!
690. Allison said:
Hi there Heather, I've been reading your blog for a while now, hearing of your many ups and downs, laughing at your dogs and "aww"ing at your pics of Leta. I think what you're doing is brave and I applaud your ability to be so open about difficult times and actions that may not make you the most popular girl in school.
And I'm here to say that you are definitely not the only one out there was was raised a Christian and then grew up to not know what to believe. I have been struggling with my own faith since adolescence, and even after the death of my father last year, don't know what to believe in. What I can tell you is that through whatever is happening you have to find peace in yourself and your relationship with that person. Some people need organized religion to do this. I didn't. I can talk to my dad anytime I want. And what I believe is that he can hear me, and when I'm really quiet sometimes I can hear him too. Maybe not literally, but he's always just a deep breath away. He's that little voice in my head when I need advice or the answering voice to a sent up prayer. And whether there's actually a piece of him out there looking over me or not doesn't matter, because there are so many pieces of him still here for me to hold on to. That is my faith - in the people and memories that surround me. Have faith in that and in yourself, the rest will come.
I'm so sorry to hear about your step-father.
691. Rick Morton said:
Heather,
I am only a 21-year-old, and male...so I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through with the miscarriage. But I know from reading this site religiously (it is my religion) that you deserve to have more children. More importantly, children deserve to have you as a mother.
As for God...I am like you, I think. I just don't know, and if he does exist I'm really rather annoyed at some of the things he has done to me. It's easier to pretend sometimes that there is nothing.
I sincerely hope your stepdad is OK. I'm sure he knows how much you appreciate him.
692. Natalie said:
Your writings insire me, and I hope you can find inspiration where you need it to keep going.
693. workroom said:
day-um... i was watching foodnetwork with Guy Fieri talking about slow cooked roast beef and responded before reading/hearing your full post
thank you for opening comments
and , much (virtual) love and support to you from here
and so, i wish many more years of amazing slow roasted garlic basted roast beef for your stepfather...
YOU DOG-OWNING CHIMNEYRACCOON MOMMY BLOGGER!
^____^
thank you for sharing your journey
694. Candy Apple said:
My 46-month-old daughter just looked at one of your photos of Leta from your last newsletter and said, "I yike her. I yike that one." (Read "yike" as "like")
Much love and understanding,
Candy
695. Lara said:
I have so many thoughts right now. One, I am so sorry you are facing all the horrible unknowns that cancer throws at you. It truly sucks. You and your family will be in my thoughts. Next, it's completely ok that you don't know what you believe. You're right... I think most of us are in the same boat and no one really knows for sure, only those that have been there, and, unfortunately, they cant share their experience as to what happens when your body stops living.
Lastly, February 4, 2000. That is the due date of the little girl I never got to meet. I don't think you ever forget. And that week was one of the hardest in my life. So, I feel for you. I understand the fear of not knowing if you can go through that again. I was in a similar place. I did end up having a beautiful little boy in December 2000. I didn't get pregnant again until the first due date had passed and not for lack of trying. My husband thinks that I couldn't let go of that first pregnancy to conceive again until that baby would have been in my arms and that's why my body wouldn't let it happen until the next month.
You've had a shit load of good and bad things thrown at you in the past while. The fact that you have been able to hold it together under tremendous stress for this long is a miracle in and of itself. No shame in admitting you need a little help to get any further. My heart aches for you right now....
696. bethany actually said:
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather. That this happened the week your baby might have been born cannot make it easier. Know that my prayers and thoughts are with you and your whole family.
697. caren said:
girl... you have got to hang in there. you obviously have a TON of people who have you in their thoughts and prayers. my father died 8 years ago and every day i think about him and how much i miss him. i get so angry in the fact that my 2 boys never got the chance to meet that fabulous man... i have 2 pieces of advice for you.
1. live every day like it could be the last
2. if all else fails, drink a 6 pack and go shopping... retail therapy ALWAYS helps! :)
thinking of you...
698. Kim said:
I have been a lurker for almost a year now and have truly fallen in love with your spirit. I am truly saddened to hear that you are having a case of much more than the "memphis blues" and I am sending karma of healing and strength. You bring so much joy to so many and I'm sure all the 'dooce-rs' worlwide are sending the same vibes in their own spiritual way. Find your greater power wherever it lies...it's all good.
from somewhere south of Memphis ~
Kim
699. Ivy said:
I applaud you for your courage, from writing about difficult topics to battling depression publicly, and everything in between.
I also have been through the heart-wrenching and mind-numbing experience of a miscarriage... just 19 days ago today. I'd like to say I'm starting to feel better and don't know that it was EXACTLY 19 days and four hours ago, but who am I kidding? It's difficult and that's the bottom line. It's absolutely not morbid to remember the due date in the least - it's an awful and sad experience. I take comfort in knowing I will eventually feel better and having a child was just not meant to be for some reason at that specific time in my life.
It's ok to question your faith and what you believe in. I separated from the Catholic faith ten years ago, and am so much more at peace with my own "personal brand of faith," and I fully believe that's precisely what faith should be - highly personal, as well as something that changes and grows as you do, most times with a hell of a lot of questioning... every day.
All the best... it WILL get better!
700. Emily said:
I think you'll always remember the due date. I had a miscarriage in 2001 (and then two healthy kids), and I still always think about it in mid-April (April 14) every year. It doesn't hurt so much, anymore, but it was one of the hardest things (miscarriage) that I've ever gone through.
Hugs.
701. Mollly said:
You don't know me, and I don't know you, and I don't know if this matters or helps, but you're not alone in "climbing the mountain," and you're not alone in "not knowing." Thank you for your honesty and your vulnerability. And thank you for helping me to know that I'm not alone either.
702. Cathy said:
Oh, I totally understand how you feel right now about not being sure what it is you Do Believe and how usually that's okay, but right now it's not. Just a week ago our dog died suddenly and my son is asking questions, "where is she?" And I just don't know. I'm not sure what it is I believe. But now it seems I want to believe SOMETHING more than just nothing. Ugh.
I do hope you get some help in climbing that mountain of yours.
And thank you for being so honest and open with us.
703. Hillary said:
Heather - I'm so sorry to hear about your step-father. I don't think you're that different than most of us out here who wonder what we truly believe in when faced with something like this.
I don't know if you've ever read "Animal Dreams," by Barbra Kingsolver, but she talks about miscarrying a bit. There's a quote in there about how if you ask any woman who has miscarried how old her child would be today, she can tell you without missing a beat.
As someone who struggled for 2 years to get pregnant with our first, I empathize with your stomach-flipping. That hope never goes away, or at least it hasn't for me. I have to say, though, neither does the fear or scar from fighting for so long to get here.
Take care and don't be too hard on yourself. Just one of these things is hard to go through; you've had a hell of a year so far.
Best wishes -
704. Marg said:
H-
I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. Try not to worry about your belief or non-belief. The most important thing is to know if you are good or evil. You have no worries there because of all the love you have for everyone in your life.
705. Anonymous said:
Something about crisis heightens my sensitivity to others' pain. I read your entry and my heart truly goes out to you. This week I had the distinct pleasure of rushing my child to the ER for a head injury (he'll be fine) and miscarrying at 12 weeks. All I can say is, as trite as it may sound, you are not alone. Thank you for helping me realize I'm not either. I fall into the camp of those who don't know what to believe. What I do know, however, is that people are incredibly giving and kind. They show up when you need them to. I hope you find comfort in all the support that comes your way.
706. merseydotes said:
You will remember the due date, and then in October you will have the first anniversary of the miscarriage itself and it will suck giant donkey balls. I highly recommend reading A Silent Sorrow if you haven't already.
Hang in there, Heather.
707. miranda said:
I don't know what I believe either, but I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts. I am crossing my fingers that everyone makes it through in one piece. And crossing my toes too.
Basically I'm becoming a human pretzel.
708. Mel said:
Wishing you luck on your mountain climb...one minute, hour, day & step at a time.
709. THE SUPER BONGO said:
I wish there were some magic words that would give you peace or help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think there is . . . but, I'm still sorry you're having a totally crap time of it right now.
710. THE SUPER BONGO said:
I wish there were some magic words that would give you peace or help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think there is . . . but, I'm still sorry you're having a totally crap time of it right now.
711. Spacemom said:
I am sorry about all of this coming down at the same time.
And to be honest? no, you will never forget the due date and NO it is not morbid.
I hope they find an answer for your Step-dad. Really
712. Mary said:
My mom died of Non-Hodgkins lymphoma when she was just 64. I know your feelings. You hang in there, Heather. Your honesty and courage about your doubts and fears touches a chord in us all.
713. M said:
I am not sure if you will even get to this comment, but if you do, please seek help from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. My 15 year old daughter was dx with leukemia and they were a tremendous help and a wealth of knowledge.
714. vanessa said:
I don't know if this will help at all, but my face has looked like that for the past 3 days too, exact same cancer attacking the father figure in my life, my uncle.
Hopefully it feels good that you have so many people wishing you well.
I could send you pictures of how disgusting huge and unattractive I was with my last pregnancy...but then your stomach would feel sick for entirley different reasons huh.
715. melissa said:
Heather, I send wishes for peace for you and your family. You give us all smiles and chuckles every day- I hope that you might be able to feel the waves of support that are sent your way.
716. shauna said:
Thank you for this. As always, for your honesty. When you write the broken, awkward, vulnerable places, it's easy to respond. You feel so much more human. This piece is why I read your site every day.
I'm one of those pregnant women who might make you flinch if you saw me. I'm nine weeks away from meeting my first child. And I'm over the moon. But I live every minute with the awareness of how lucky I am. When you wrote about your miscarriage, I was just on the cusp of being pregnant. I cringed and cried for you. I wondered if pregnancy would ever happen to me.
Now, the little one is kicking at me as I type this, and I think of you. I've been thinking of you, wondering if your due date was soon. You gave me hope, oddly, when you were so vulnerable with that story. The first 14 weeks, I hoped it would all work. During week 10, I thought of you every day. That I made it past that is beyond belief. I'm betting you can too.
All the best of luck to you. And yes, many of us recognize ourselves in your voice. Thank you for sharing it.
717. Lene said:
My thoughts are with you and your family. Hope your therapist can help.
718. Holly said:
Heather,
My deepest condolences to you and your family. My best friend is fighting brain cancer, and it's tearing me to pieces. I just heard from him tonight that this latest treatment isn't working, and then I came home and read this post. Sometimes life is like that, eh?
Hang in there.
-Holly
719. Lou said:
Hi Armstrongs
As a devout athiest, may i bring some comfort?
My father was ill briefly, then died 2 yrs ago. No begging for a solution to some mystical diety; no pearly gates in the offering. Simply the DNA of a great person who came before you and will live on in others(though not in your case). I am certain that memories are wired in (especially the important ones)to your brain and are a recourse and source of inspiration for the remainder of your life. Seek love and support from something real. Your close family and your all- encompassing internet family feel your heart ache and loss. On behalf of all your 'webfam' - we throw our arms around you and yours.
Lou.
720. Sherry Macy said:
Heather, how cool that someone recommended you read Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. Perfect!
Today I got all emotional because I couldn't find my mother's spoon that I wanted to use to eat my lunch. I've been motherless for 20 years (next Monday, to be exact) and still I miss her invaluable influence in my life (I'm 62 and a faithful Dooce reader). As a coworker listened to me grieve her once again, I expressed appreciation for his listening ear and that I think grieving is a GOOD thing. If my mother didn't mean much to me, I wouldn't miss her so much.
I realize your response is sadness over the possibility of losing your stepfather, not of the actuality, but pre-grief is the same, I think. It's a head-on realization that you deeply love someone and do not want to face the loss.
I love Dr. Suess's quote: Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
Thanks for sharing your heart today. I hope it helped you because it certainly helped me and all the others.
721. RubiaLala said:
That is terrible about your stepfather, I am sorry. You aren't the only one out there wondering. Even people who know what they believe have a hard time keeping faith.
I haven't read you long enough to know that you had a miscarriage, and I am sure that the passing of the due date is very difficult.
The part about not knowing about more kids is my story. I do feel jealous and sad and hopeful when I see pregnant women and babies. But I went through such awful depression after the first child that I don't think I could do it again. That doesn't mean I don't want it though and that hurts.
Take care.
722. sparsely kate said:
Sending you big cuddles from Australia. xxx
723. Amber said:
My due date would have been November 23, 2008.
It helped me to go back and reread your post about your miscarriage when I had mine (3 weeks ago now), and I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share with strangers. It has made me more willing to share too.
I wish the best for you and your family.
724. erik said:
i'm glad you posted this. my thoughts are with you and your family.
725. Jen said:
Wow, Heather, after reading that entry I felt I had to comment to say that I'm so sorry and that my thoughts are with you.
726. Lindsey said:
Thinking of you & Jon and your mom (and entire family). Peace be with you.
727. Susan said:
I believe in prayer and I believe that someone, somewhere, is listening to me, personally. So I am praying for you and yours, and I am praying for miracles for you.
I hope that you can find some peace, and I hope that you can rest.
I will keep you close in my heart.
728. Amy said:
That is so sad for your stepfather and all of you that know and love him. I will keep him and the rest of your family in my prayers. You've made it though other trying times, you can make it through this one!
729. skyeJ said:
Heather Dooce. I know that is not your name, but I like the way it sounds. I have a Dooce t-shirt and I wore in when I lived in Morocco, even though short sleeves and tight t-shirts on a woman there is GASP shameful. Your presence is felt all over the world, baby. There is love all over the world from people, and you can at least reach out and touch people even if anything more than that is just an uncertainty in your mind. We're real. WE are here and we love you. We don't care if you only believe in us. We don't care if you don't believe in us. We are still here and we love you. In the name of Jesus Christ amen. Now I'll go make you a casserole and some funeral potatoes and green jello salad with carrots and cabbage in it. And draw you a picture using a crown. And I'd like to turn the time over to the next commenter.
730. Eva said:
How about some advice from some chick that knows almost nothing about you but is just that damn obnoxious as to try to give you advice anyway? Cuz a couple of sleep deprived brain cells made you wiggle your fingers and write something about maybe getting help. I personally have a firm belief that whenever a brain cell manages to say something that sounds vaguely like a good idea to the other brain cells, especially when none of those brain cells are currently drunk or attempting to obtain sex, then it's a good idea to listen to that brain cell. Life often pounds us like fragile marionettes. We become weaker, maybe we become so weak that we can't escape the truth that we are weak. And then somehow I think that same thing also makes us stronger.
(OK, I am not sure if those last 3 sentences were actually good advice or if I just smoked way too much marijuana in college so it might be a good idea to skip those last three.)
Grab any help you can get with this kind of sadness. Perhaps the greatest benefit of this blog is that it shows people that cool fun successful people are also sometimes weak and messed up and need help from others. Every time you have a problem and talk about it and try to work through it, it makes it just a tad easier for readers to do the same thing in their lives, to realize they are not alone with their problems and their lack of perfection.
So go get help and try not to get too inundated by thinking of all the negative things in your life. I know that is what I do when I get in a negative mood. When I am in a mood, I can remember negatives going back to when I was still in my mom's tummy and then since I know thinking negatively is counterproductive, I can then start thinking negatively about my negative thinking!
So go get help cuz help is helpful and cuz HEY! If this blog should falter, well then what the hell am I going to do with that extra 5 minutes of reading time I set aside for it each day!?! Maybe I will go out and smoke crack with that extra 5 minutes instead and then it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!! So there you go. You have been the ultra lucky recipient of my super dooper words of wisdom and even better, out of the boundless kindness of my heart, I will only charge you $50.00 instead of my usual $100.00 fee and tell me who could not help but feel better after all that !?! ;-P
-Eva
731. Leann said:
Heather,
Normally I am a lurker here and don't contribute. I wanted to offer my support in whatever form it may take for you. Know that we each struggle with that spiritual journey daily and you are not alone. My prayers will be with you and your family.
Blessings
Leann
732. Rachael said:
I'm sorry that the ups and downs of life have put this mountain in front of you. I guess we all have ours to climb from time to time. I only figured out what I believe about a year ago, and I'll pray for you and your father in law, if nothing else, it's sending some positive energy your way.
733. Daphne said:
What a crappy time. (I know for me, I'd rather hear that than your typical, "I'm so sorry," which is of course not without value and helps some too.) I guess all I really want to say is, you are not morbid for those what-ifs, it would be unnatural for you to not think about what might have been. And, I'm praying to my God that you will find your way through this messy business we call life. I'm a long time reader and enjoy your writing tons! :)
734. Jim LaVelle said:
I am so sorry to hear about your stepdad. Hold on tight to your family and do go to the shrink. I know what you mean about not having a religion in which to seek comfort. But your friends here on earth and even strangers, if they knew, will hold your heart and give you comfort.
735. Rachel said:
It's gonna be ok. Seriously. I just finished chemotherapy for a lymphoma and I'm doing fine. This sounds terrible, but if you have to get cancer, lymphoma is the best one. Just try to help him through the treatment because chemo is pretty miserable. Iced mint tea, chicken soup, and a lot of love are the best way to get through it.
By the way, I'm jewish even though i'm a little suspicious of organized religion. You can pray and ask God for support even if you don't identify with any of the dogma of your particular religion. Sometimes we just need a little assurance that there's something bigger out there. That's what got me through treatment this year. That, and a shitload of ativan. :)
736. Becca of thinkythink said:
Heather,
You may have left your church but all of your readers are witness to your sadness- as well as the beauty in your life. I'm so, so sorry you're going through these painful things.
737. Becky said:
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
738. AlliDee said:
You are so not alone in all of this! Everything you are feeling is normal and it is completely understandable to feel overwhelmed! Hell, I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis by much more trivial crap.
I just wanted to say a few things that have all been said before:
1. I love your blog and that you're willing to share all of your most personal thoughts to help the rest of us realize we're not crazy.
2. I'm a 4-year (hodgkin's) lymphoma survivor who is damn happy to be here, but very much aware of the scariness & unfairness of that awful disease. But I also know that the C-word is not a death sentence.
3. Battling cancer was a piece of cake compared to the loneliness and depression that came along with my struggle to conceive and carry a child.
4. When I look at my 11-month old daughter I am amazed that she's here, and I thank whatever God that's out there that I have been blessed with the joy and sorrow and heartache and hope of motherhood.
Be strong! All of this will pass.
739. Finn said:
I know the doubt, and the older I get, the more I know that it's OK not to know.
And I know about losing a baby and how you think about what might have been and why you and how old would baby be now?
I know all this. And I know what it's like to be in fear of losing someone so essential in your life.
Virtual hugs to you and yours. I'll keep you in my prayers.
740. Mother Earth said:
I lost a child and he made himself known to me as an entity - i know that's rather woo-woo ish, but I have to tell you - it's the most amazing thing. Since you paralleled beliefs in this post - there is room to say that the universe who or what ever she is...is grand. I know " tommy " to have a huge grin, to never miss the opportunity to reasure me and to protect me unfailingly. Raised in a very different guilt ridden religious environment there would never have been room in that spirituality for my tommy or a life long connection to him. I say this only to remind you that the loss has a way of coming full circle - in some way you will know when that has happened.
I had a really rough week, and it looks like you have too. You amaze me. I appreciate your spirit and your humor.
741. Audrey said:
Courage <3 I think about you and your family and hope you're all going to be ok.
742. Julie said:
Hey Heather,
I just wanted to send you a little tid bit of information, hoping it helps you if you didn't already know this. I have insomnia. It's miserable. I used to take sleep aids over the counter for years. Last year I started taking the supplement Melantonin. It's so amazing. It helps me fall asleep in 15 minutes tops, I sleep the whole night thru, and since it's natural I don't wake up groggy like I did with Unisom. You can get it anywhere you'd get vitamins. Give it a try, you won't know what you ever did without it.
P.S., I'll be keeping your Step Father in my thoughts.
Be well....
Julie
743. LoriM said:
Hi Heather--
The most important thing is that you believe in YOURSELF. You're a wonderfully gifted writer, a terrific mother and wife and your stories, uplifting spirit and raw emotion have helped more people than you could possibly ever imagine -- including me, just yesterday, when I was in the depths of despair and sat down to reread several of your blog posts. You've said that your stay in the hospital saved your life. Yesterday, quite literally, your posts may have saved mine. I'm not remotely religious (I keep trying -- and subsequently failing -- whenever I make a determined effort to find a "higher being"), but I do believe in hope and in the POWER AND STRENGTH OF HEATHER. You and your family are in my thoughts, and for the record, I love your blog all the way to the moon and back.
744. Babs said:
Hi Heather,
you don't know me, but I've known you since 2004. I remember I was a senior in highschool at that time. I just want you to know that you're surrounded by unknown voices and hearts, we're all here, we're all with you, and we all want your best. You can bet on this, honey. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
When I think about you and your blog, the first thing that pops in my head is the word "strength". Then, "comedy".
Honey, we're all (virtually) holding your hand. You're not alone.
♥
745. Elaine said:
There is hope for a lymphoma diagnosis. My SIL has an aggressive form and is waiting for her cells to build up so they can be harvested for stem cell transplantation. If this works she will be cancer free. Her outlook was not good until they offered this last option. I will pray that they find the right treatment for your stepfather. You have already figured out the right treatment for you. Make that call and get an appointment. Add that to the therapeutic writing you do here and you have a winning solution.
746. Forest Green said:
I am 59 and I'm still trying to figure out what I believe. Somehow I think that if you are truly alive you will spend the rest of your life trying to figure out what you believe. This is a good thing. Just remember "judge not, and ye shall not be judged." I love you Heather Armstrong.
747. Annie said:
Heather, you are going to be going through so much over the next few weeks. You will be on an emotional roller coaster. I know this because I have just been through the shock of finding out that my own dad has cancer. He has been through so much over the past few weeks and it is so hard to see. Cry as much as you need to...don't hold it in. I find that crying while I am alone helps because then I don't cry around my dad (he gets crazy mad at me when I do). Please do talk to a therapist, this is a shocking thing and it would help to talk to someone. I am so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this...cancer is hard as hell. It helps me to think about Lance Armstrong because he beat testicular cancer that had spread to his lungs and his brain. He is cancer free and has been for 10+ years. Just stay strong and positive for his sake...he needs that!!! You are strong, you will get through this. Look at how many of us love you, you are an inspiration to so many people. Take care of yourself!!!
748. shelli said:
You'll feel it forever. Most women who suffer the tragedy of a miscarriage do.
We still talk about the adoptions that fell through. Even though they are long ago. And Malka is awesome. The past is the past, and hurts are always there, they just hurt a bit less after time.
Sending a "Refuah Shlemah" (Healing prayer, in Hebrew) to your step-father.
749. blakspring said:
Heather,
I am so sorry to hear about your step-father. He sounds like a great man and I am sending good wishes his way. I know that nothing anyone says will make it better but just know that you've got a huge support group here.
Hugs to you, Jon, and Leta.
750. grace said:
Heather, there are so many things in this post to which i can relate it'd take up too much space (and energy) to say here. Yet i'm fatherless and unmarried - i don't think you'll ever know just how far you reach with the things you share.
Thank you, and bless you.
Much love and many thoughts.
751. Lolo said:
Heather:
First of all - fix the no-sleep problem. It is hard enough to deal with "normal" life circumstances on no sleep, let alone this barrage of negative events.
I had PPD, and ever since I am very careful with myself. If I go a few days with little or no sleep, I go directly to the psychiatrist's office and we tinker with my meds. If I am having trouble with work or family issues, it's straight to the counselor for some coping strategies.
Those of us who have experienced these issues must treat ourselves like a lovely porcelain teacup that has been broken and glued back together - with much loving care.
It is important you mourn the loss of your child in a way that makes sense for you. As for your step-dad, the best thing you can do is to be informed about the situation and be an advocate for his proper care as he goes through treatment.
Good luck and best wishes for many full nights of deep, restful, rejuvenating sleep.
LO
752. Stacy said:
I'm very sorry that things are so hard right now. I'll pray for sleep, healing and peace.
753. Amy Martin said:
The picture of you on the kued website is awesome! You should change it to be your picture for this website!
From one crazed mom to another
754. Kate said:
Not that it changes the actual circumstances, but I really hope you can feel the love everyone is sending your way (myself included). Quite literally, you have thousands, if not millions, of people who LOVE YOU to pieces and wish they could take some of your burden onto their own shoulders.
Religious or not, none of us can really understand why bad things happen to good people. All we can do is share our love and experiences and hope that in doing so, we give someone an ounce of comfort knowing they're not alone.
I wish you peaceful sleep tonight! I would give you some of my own hours if I could.
755. Ron said:
Hi Heather~
Please just know that there's a HUGE Internet of love surrounding you right now.
Wishing you a night of comforting sleep...and sweet dreams.
And as always...thank you for sharing, dear lady.
756. ...m... said:
Watching the Utah Now segment at this moment... you GO!!
~grin~
best,
...m...
757. Matt said:
Don't worry about questioning your religion. Nobody has the answer. If you feel like praying or asking for help then ask or pray to whoever makes you comfortable. It doens't matter if you pray to fake plant sitting on the coffee table. The only think that matters if it makes you feel better.
You and your family will be in my prayers. Do what makes you feel right.
Thanks.
Matt
758. bipolarbear said:
Oh, honey, I am sending you lots of mental chocolate. Whatever way you find, I know you will find a way to deal with all of this horrible shit.
759. Rick said:
I'm so sorry for you. My stepfather is likewise a rock, so to hear that yours (and your family) is going through this ... I can only imagine and shudder. And to lose something you wanted so badly, anticipated so eagerly -- who could forget that being torn away?
You may not have the faith, but you have your family, and they've got your back.
760. Anonymous said:
I was already 6 months pregnant with another baby on the due date of the baby
lost and I still cried all day. It doesn't matter you can never "replace" the baby that you have lost.
761. Elizabeth said:
The interview was FABULOUS!
Sorry about your stepdad. Keeping positive thoughts flowing your way.
Also, sent an email to Today Show telling them to fire the hag that is Kathie Lee Gifford....
762. jenn said:
I wish peace and health to you and your family. My father passed away one year ago from ALS, and the one thing I know for sure, is everything will be fine. Whatever happens, your family will be stressed with the unknown and then peace comes. I promise.
763. Diane said:
So sorry you and your family are facing this struggle. I'm sending my prayers for peace and rest for you and the very best for your step-father and family.
Your beliefs are very personal, but I hope you find answers that help. I have found that even though I had doubts about the beliefs of the conservative Baptist faith I was raised in, I still have deep faith and trust in God. I don't think God cares where we pray.
Please see your therapist and get whatever help you need.
764. moira said:
My thoughts are with you, I know exactly what you are going through with your step-father.
As for the miscarriage, they say that you body still goes through the changes and your brain does too. It is perfectly normal, and ok.
Good luck. And it may help to have all of you go to a therapist, you, Jon, your mom and step-father. You are not alone in this.
765. Manda said:
I'm so sorry about your step dad. My thoughts are with you and your family. I've been reading your website for years now and I can't help but feel really connected to you. You are like a friend I have never met! That might be weird to have a 21 year old friend in Michigan, but you have friends all over the world and we want nothing more than for you to be happy. Things will get better, just try to remember that.
766. Michelle said:
Thinking about you Heather.
I hope you can sleep soon...sleep dep makes everything harder. As if what's on your plate now, isn't hard enough. Take care.
767. Staci said:
Heather,
I am so sorry to hear about your stepfather. Loss is so confusing and difficult to process. I wonder what it all means myself.
I often miss the security of the mormonism I left behind, the simple answers. There is a very specific path, and everything wraps up in a neat little package. If you do A you'll get B. But it wasn't right for me, and it still isn't.
I tried for years to get pregnant, but it never happened. I used to feel sick when I saw pregnant women or new babies, but I'm at peace with it now. I believe my life turned out the way it was meant to, and even the pain is part of who I am today. I hope you can find that peace too.
768. Kerry said:
my two cents. people that think that they have it all figured out when facing what you are facing, they are the ones to worry about... sorry about the news... sending white light to you and your fam from far away... be well dooce..
769. Glen said:
It's ok to fall apart. I am the husband to a woman that has had 4 miscarriages. The first two were planned pregnancies. We miscarried both times. The Third attempt was our now almost 10 year old Sam. We had two unplanned pregnancies that resulted the same way the first two did. I was oblivious the first time but not the other three. I got nuetered after the last one. I regret we didn't have more kids.
I am also the son of a mother that died of cancer at the age of 53. You don't get over it so don't try. Others should use their faith for you right now. I think crying is worth bloated on eyes on PBS. Things will work out in the long run. Beer got me only so far in my stress then I went and got some help. I am new to your website and can tell you know how to make good decesions. Don't worry about the short time. Live, Grieve and Cry. God made you that way.
770. meredith said:
I am sending all good thoughts to you and your family.
I really, really wanted to get down to Brooklyn last week to meet you, but Life intervened and now I'm even more bummed I couldn't make it.
Your post made me think of the song, "After All Of This", which closes out Susan Werner's "agnostic Gospel album" THE GOSPEL TRUTH.
After All Of This
i would like to think
there's something
after all of this
when life's final kiss
has faded
i will have waited to see
if there might be more
still another door to open
i'm hoping
and i can say that faith
is one thing
i could never risk
too much of a leap
too steep a fall
but after all of this
i just can't resist
wondering what's to come
and there may be nothing
but there must be something
no one really knows
but i would like to think
-- c. 2007 Susan Werner
Wishing you all the best...
771. bridget said:
hi, my stepmother was just diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer last week. i understand the conection you have with your stepfather it probably is similar to the one i share with my step mother. she's alwaysed been kind to me. my parents divorce was not nice but she was always kind and never derogatory towards my mother (even though she probably wanted to be and my mother was never kind to her). i'll keep you in my thoughts, and hope for the best in which ever path live leads you on.
772. squandra said:
Go see the shrink. When I found out my dad had cancer, I had no idea what was happening in my head, and (for better or worse) I ALWAYS know what is happening in my head. It is an incredible challenge to sort out, and to handle even after you do sort it out.
I couldn't sleep, either. Anyway. Go.
773. Helen Tarnation said:
So sorry to hear about your stepfather. I lost my mother in October and my father followed in January, although we really lost him several years ago to Alzheimer's. How do you go from two parents to none in 3 months? But I do have one sibling...a sister...and I don't know how I would have made it without her.
My husband lost his parents a few years apart, several years ago. He's an only child, born after his mother had several miscarriages. She hemorrhaged after the birth and had to have a hysterectomy. I only now know how alone he must have felt when they died with no siblings who had shared a childhood and the memories he had to help him through it.
It is perfectly normal to remember and mourn the life and child that would have been. You and Jon are great people with a lot of love to give and Leta would make a wonderful older sister, like the one I have, to share her grief and memories when you are gone.
774. Andrea said:
So sorry to hear this for you! I have gone through something very similar in the past few months and it is the worst feeling in the world. There is nothing more that can take away your sense of control than when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer. I am so sorry to hear this and will keep you in my prayers.
775. melen said:
This is long but something my friend's husband wrote about his experience and what is helping them cope with the loss of their baby.
What I Know, May 29, 2007
Maybe this should be titled, ‘what I’ve learned’.
I’ve learned that until you really experience grief it’s hard to know how it feels. I’ve also learned that everyone experiences grief differently. And that there aren’t any right or wrong ways.
I also have come to cherish the scripture at Psalms 34:18, ‘Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; And those who are crushed in spirit he saves’.
Broken and crushed is how I feel. And that scripture is so comforting to me.
I’ve also learned what it means to lean on your family, on your friends, on your congregation. It’s so easy to want to drown in your sorrow, in all your pain. To let it simply consume you. To not allow yourself to think of what tomorrow is or brings.
But leaning on others relieves you of that somewhat. It gives you a shoulder to cry on and share. It gives you comfort that there is a tomorrow. Somewhere anyways. And that somewhere out there are beautiful days.
You don’t want to see those days as you think that as soon as you do, you’re forgetting your son. Rationally, you know that’s not possible, but what is rational about grief. You think that if you smile or laugh, or feel normal for a moment that you’ve wronged him in some way.
I want everyone to know that there are times when I sit at my computer and wait for someone to leave us a comment and then I lean on that. Then I reread them all, and all the cards and lean on them again.
Every phone call and visit have helped as well. I’ve leaned on all of you and will need to keep doing that.
Thank you for letting me lean.
Corey.
776. M. Douglas Wray said:
Here's hoping you get some rest and good news - in that order!!
777. Sue said:
At this point, don't even know if you will even read this far down, wow, that is a lot of comments to read, I would be skimming by now...but then again, I don't have the attention span to create a blog of my own...I am digressing, Us Jews don't have all the answers either, I am always somewhat jealous of those with great faith in their beliefs and religions, and the comfort that must bring...I have mostly questions. But I do know this, I had three miscarriages, 2 before my first child and 1 between child 2 and 3, and the ONLY thing that healed my broken heart, was a baby. Never mind that by the third, I already had two healthy beautiful girls of my own. My obsession with the Pregnant was exactly the same. I hope you have the courage to try again. I know you are so thankful for Leta, and yeah Kathie Lee, its scary that I know this, right? Wishing you easier days ahead.
778. BOSSY said:
May your mountains become mole hills. Truly.
779. Anonymous said:
*hugs*
I hate therapists, but I have had them, formally and informally. I actually kind of like the informal kind - they're my best friends.
You have lots of people here sending you positive thoughts as you continue to juggle everything life throws at you. If there's one thing you should have learned about yourself through this journey you've had, is that you're an amazingly strong woman, and you can definitely get through anything. Even all of this, now.
Just keep walking, you'll get there. :-)
780. BOSSY said:
P.S. Bossy is going through the same thing with her father. It is *terrifying*.
781. michelle said:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
Not a plug for Mormonism or any other religion. Just a straight up dose of Jesus. Maybe Jesus was portrayed incorrectly to you before, so that you never had a chance to see what he could really offer you or how he could change your life???
If interested, below is a link to a great story about someone who searched everywhere - from drugs to religions - for hope and peace and a belief system. The audio is fantastic! He's a great story teller with a great story to tell.
http://www.mcleanbible.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=16757
782. cindyp said:
In the words of Frank " Thats life oh thats what they say you're ridin high in April shot down in May" and in the words of Jennifer Lopez "You're doin doin doin doin You're do'in it well" concentrate on the good parts.
783. Anna W said:
I'm so sorry Heather. I don't know how you typed that whole post without crying - I would have broken down after writing "I'm sitting here trying not to cry..." (serious! I just about broke down reading your post, and I'm not even you! A pretty obvious statement I guess...)
Anyway, I'm glad you have people who are really there for you. And I hope you come to a place of true peace in all this craziness. I lost a baby too, our first, about a year and a half ago. And was really hard to decide whether or not to try again.
Take care - you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many.
784. Catherine B. said:
Hon. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this heartache. I can't say anything that hasn't been said already, but you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes I'm pretty sure God still listens to a heathen like me.
785. Anonymous said:
Continue to seek truth and you will find it if you seek it with all your heart.
786. Adrienne said:
That really sucks. One reason why I'm glad to be an exmo is that I don't have to hear that judgmental shit from Mormons. Sending good vibes your way.
787. kerstin said:
Dear Heather,
Sorry about all the bad stuff happening to you and your family.
Hang in there and hopefully things will get better again soon!
To help you sleep, have you tried Lorazepam yet? You probably have...It's an anti-anxiety medication. I love it. It helps me sleep every time now.
Best of luck!
Kerstin
788. Hazel said:
I am so sorry to hear about your stepfather. I will certainly keep him and your entire family in my thoughts and prayers.
Do whatever you feel you need to do in order to get through this time of sadness. Nobody else walks in your shoes and they shouldn't judge you. You will come out stronger in the end. Just follow your instinct.
789. Serenity said:
I am so sorry. And I'm so moved by your vulnerability. I've been through cancer. I've also left the church I grew up in. I have some convictions - but way more questions. And I know what you mean about sometimes being completely okay with that and sometimes not. Tie a knot and hang on - that's what a dear friend always told me, and it felt so true.
790. God said:
joking aside. (lightning)
My wife and I have been through some similar events recently. No one who visits your blog would consider you faithless, or unbelieving.
Blessings of comfort, family prayers, etc were a huge help to us. This is a great time to blog to the big guy. His comments section is always open.
Much love and prayers,
Someone
791. Karen said:
I couldn't read w/o sending some hugs your way. I'm a longtime lurker, and don't think I've ever commented.
I wish you much love and strength to deal with life's stuff.
I hope your therapist can help you get some sleep....
792. Peapodsquadmom said:
You are brave as hell for putting your heart and head out there for all of us like this. That's gotta' count for something, right?
I'm so sorry about your step-father. Illness sucks. Trying to make peace with the unknown sucks. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
About the baby thing. It took us 5 years of infertility hell to have our triplets. I suffered 3 miscarriages along that path. You never ever get completely past that. Take it easy on yourself. That wound is still relatively fresh. And I hope the healing continues so you guys can move forward.
Keep up the good work for all of us! We heart you much out here in cyber-land.
793. Zonnah said:
Hope everything gets better soon for you. Also, I wanted to let you know you have helped me deal with my own depression.
794. orangina said:
I am so sorry for all you are trying to deal with right now. I keep meaning to invent TequilaDerm CQ for situations like these...
795. Lynda said:
Cheesy at it may be....
*hugs*
796. Lisa said:
Heather.........I'm so sorry you are going through something so hard :( I think grieving over something that you have lost is a very normal feeling, and don't you feel weird about it at all.........It just shows how big your heart is and how much you love your family.....Sending love and healing thoughts your way!
797. Molly said:
Heather, everyone loves you. The ones who don't are jealous. And anyone who criticizes you for this entry are as bad as those funeral protest people. (You know the ones). So
NOTHING
BUT
LOVE
for you and your family. You have so many friends, neighbors, and absolute strangers who wish nothing but the best for you during this difficult time and would instantly defend your honor in an "exclamation-point battle". email or otherwise.
<3<3<3
Also, you emailed my best friend Clay back (boyfriend type guy) about dealing with depression. I know you are both totally different cases, and I don't know what you said to him, but Heather,
thank you. As awesome as you are normally, that extra nudge of reaching out to someone you don't even know was absolutely beautiful. You are a wonderful woman, and I think just being able to talk to someone that he respects and admires, like you, made him feel a little less alone about this.
I really don't know how to thank you enough for giving him that.
This comment wasn't supposed to be this long or off topic. Just a big, squishy HUG!
798. Michelle said:
Hey Heather,
My internet friend, I join the collective in sending positive thoughts and prayers to you and your family. So many times you have made me laugh when all I wanted was to crawl under the covers and stay there forever. I can only offer you an anonymous quote that I adopted as my personal credo after losing my mom: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." Hang tough. You are loved.
799. Melanie said:
August 28, 1993
May 10, 1994
November 6, 1998
October 14, 1999
April 4, 2000
Yeah, you remember for a long time. But it's all part of the journey, and the highs of the journey can outweigh the lows. But sometimes, help getting to the highs can be a wonderful thing.
Big hugs to you, sweet Heather.
800. Tracy said:
There is only one thing to be said at this point - and that is...DONKEY BELLIES.
801. Mr Flapper Duck said:
I am wondering if you know about the 80/20 rule?
It means you only ever do 80% of what you're capable of, especially in terms of time and energy. Because you're going to need that other 20% for when the $#!% hits the fan... whatever that $#!% may be.
Just from what's on your blog, it seems you've managed to cram about 200% into the past 3-weeks.
Can you cancel every darn thing on the calendar that you don't HAVE to do and get back down to 80% for a few days? A week, maybe two?
Just my unsolicited advice for how to take care of yourself while you climb that mountain.
Take care.
802. sunniemerrill said:
you obviously have so many comments you most likely won't even get around to reading mine, but i thought i'd comment anyway.
i too am a utah mom. i am so sick of all the stepford wives and everything that comes with the culture here. i find your blog refreshing and real. i just started reading it, and it's become one of my very favorites.
i hear you one the "still figuring out what i believe." i'm just getting to the point where i'm allowing myself feelings that aren't 100% in line with the LDS religion. (born and raised mormon) thankfully my husband allows me to have my own personality, something that was frowned upon in my family. i feel like you're at a later stage of this long process i'm just starting to go through.
thanks for your posts, it's obvious i'm not the only one who relates with you.
i'm sorry to hear about your step-dad, hopefully he will beat this cancer.
803. sharon said:
sorry - i had cancer myself about 6 yrs ago and it's horrible, can't imagine what it did to my immediate family.
Yes - run to your therapist to talk & hopefully get help.
Prayers your way - I think I understand why you are not a "religious" person but in times such as these God reveals his true nature in a small quiet voice - especially to those who will readily admit they don't really know about certain things. Not our "religious God" we have boxed in but His true nature.
Peace
804. Julie in Houston said:
Heather,
I'm sending some good vibes your way. I hope your stepfather and your mother can be strong! Best wishes from everyone in cyber world!
805. Melissa said:
804 comments Heather (I believe I'm 805). That's a lot of people rooting for you. -Ok, maybe there's about 8 assholes in there, but even 797 is a lot of people keeping you in their thoughts.
Take care of you. The people that you care about and don't want to let down - (in real life or online) - what they want most of all is for you to be ok.
806. amberwaves said:
I caught your PBS interview by accident. I couldn't flip past it. I'd heard about your blog from Fox13, labeled as a conterversial ex-Mormon. But your interview today, I was totally intrigued. I identified with your ideas on writing and the raw-ness of blogging. I checked out your blog for the first time today. Just wanted to say that your interview was great; and I am now a reader.
807. momof8 said:
I am so sorry you are hurting. I will keep you in my prayers.
808. Mandy said:
Heather,
I am so sorry about your due date passing by. I am not going to even pretend that I know what you are going through. I have a 4 year old also, but I only got pregnant after 2 years of grueling sex and LOTS OF CLOMID. It has now been 3 years trying for another one, and every month I get my period it's like a loss that no one else will no. (or that I think should know) Two of my sisters are now pregnant. *punch in the stomach* One just had hers, and he is adorable, but there is that emptyness that I have everytime I look at his cute little face. I know the Lord know's what's in store for me, but I AM VERY TIRED OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO!!! Don't worry about questioning in in what you believe. I think it's only human to do so, even for the very "rightous" ones. (of which I am not) You make me laugh and think that we have such the same personality. And yes, therapists are very cool. Go to her/him IMMEDIATELY! Good luck.
809. lomagirl said:
I finished reading this and thought- "I really like her" which isn't always true, to be honest. But I really like that you are being open and honest with who you are and your need to go to your therapist (go, go). I'm a religious person, and one reason is because at times like what you're going through, I want to believe in God! Otherwise so much of life doesn't make any sense. (It still doesn't make sense, but there's someone to blame it on- or put the burden on.) I'm not trying to proselytize here- I'm trying to say I get that in hard times you've got to figure out what you believe, and the God you find may not look like the one you learned about in Sunday School.
ps.Thanks for leaving the comments open.
810. janey said:
I am so sorry for what is going on with your step father. May all go well for him and sending healing vibes his way.
I too suffered a miscarriage after my first. Both of us were ready to throw in the towel and just enjoy the son we had but apparently fate,and a damn near immaculate conception (was on Paxil and had NO sex drive, used a condom and the ONE time we did it that month?? TWINS.)
Cannot imagine life any other way. Keep your options open and let what happens happen.
811. Adrienne said:
First time reader here. I'm so sorry your step-dad and family are going through this!!! It's rough beyond words. My mother had leukemia this year (she was horribly ill in the beginning and she is now in complete remission). I found a TON of information and support at the Leukemia Lymphoma Society (http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/) They even have survivors trained as volunteers in your local area who can accompany your step-dad, or mom, or YOU through his treatment. I hope this helps.
Take good care of yourself during this time!!!
812. JChap said:
Hang in there, Heather. As far as spiritual questions, you're going through what absolutely everyone, not matter what they tell you, goes through. You're in my thoughts.
813. Tootsie Farklepants said:
Hi Heather,
I know I already commented way back there somewhere, give or take a few hundred comments, but I just got through watching your interview and I thought it was outstanding. It's all so bittersweet too. This has to be one of the most amazing times of your life (Today Show, Nightline, published book, and so much more) and then to also be dealt a very heavy blow all at once. I just wanted to offer my support one more time. Because after watching that last interview I realize that all of this support flooding in? This way for people, total strangers, yet connected to communicate in this way? Is something you helped create. And you should be proud of yourself.
Take care.
814. timmi said:
Praying for you and your family Heather and believing that you can and will climb the mountain. God bless you.
815. Susan said:
thank you for being real. (and funny..)
816. Neomi said:
*one big-ass hug*
With as many lives as you've touched, I figure who ever or whatever's in charge really owes you one.
817. Joy said:
I am so sorry about your Stepfather. I wish him a quick victory over the cancer, and strength for you and your family as you fight along with him.
I can't express the hugeness of my respect and admiration for you, your talent, and for sharing it with the world. Please seek support and strength in the best way that serves you. We all need that.
818. Cindi said:
Oh sweetie! I am giving you the biggest hug right now. I hope everything turns out all right... Please know my thoughts are with you. This comment sounds terribly generic, but I really hope the best for you and your family.
819. Chelsea said:
Oh Heather, I don't even know what to say that hasn't already been said. I'm truly thinking of you and your family and can't even imagine how hard this is for you. My life has also been chaos the last few weeks, with my family falling apart and going through a difficult break up, and the only thing getting me through it is the support of friends. Hopefully you can feel even the tiniest bit better knowing that there are thousands of us who read your blog daily who do think of you as a friend and are wishing, hoping, praying, whatever it is we do, that everything will be okay!
820. Jeanne E said:
Lost baby due dates are hard. Been there... It's completely normal to feel sad even though the loss was months ago, so don't beat yourself up about it. Just feel how you need to feel, and ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.
Also if it helps, I know SO MANY people (myself included) who've beaten cancer...
821. Erin The Great said:
Just remember the old saying... When god shuts a door, he always opens a window....I mean he has to leave us something we can jump out of right?
The best advice i can give you, having had a parent suffer through cancer and a good friend currently going through it, try and keep a sense of humor. It sounds morbid but i guarantee it's one of the few ways of not letting it crush you.
No matter what you do or don't believe in, there is a universal fact that no matter happens in life, it will inevitably work out for the best. Even if it sucks going through it. You never know what can arise out of a really crappy situation.
822. loll said:
Talk & cry with wild abandon. It is a sad and scary time for you all. The most important thing really Heather, is how your Stepfather feels about illness and the possibility of dying. It sounds to me that no matter what happens he can go forth secure in the fact that the world is a better place because he has been part of it and living or dying he has inspired others through his good deeds.
My thoughts will soo be with you. I just lost my Pops a few weeks ago after a year long battle with a bag-of-crap brain tumor. That lumpy asswipe stole my Pops long before it completely depleted his body of life and energy. It was a hella year, but it was also a joyous year as we ALL learned just how much we love and are loved. It's a strange,life-altering,positive energy that can sometimes show itself during tragic times. I hope that energy is something you will eventually find.
823. boho girl said:
i hear you and i honor you for bravely sharing such raw emotions from your gut.
i resonate with much of this.
thinking of you and your family and all that is going on in your heart today.
holding onto hope for you, that you will feel peace soon.
824. Anonymous said:
eighthundred and twenty one-because ya just can't get enough support and empathy- especially when we're at our most vunerable--
We're all connected
sleep well
825. Melanie said:
Thanks for your earnestness, I connected to your experience on so many levels that I found it overwhelming-- in a good way. In a connecting with humanity, shared human experience kind of way. Thanks for reminding me of how alive I am and how I am apart of something bigger than I really understand. Even though I've left the church I really feel like we're all in this together, in that familial sort of way. Best to you and your family.
826. sleepless too said:
Hi Heather,
I can't believe I've been reading your blog long enough for it to be 40 weeks since your miscarriage. I am so glad for all of us that you are able to talk about your grief on your blog. We don't give quite enough space for complicated experiences of motherhood. Seeing all the other posters mention that they also remember dates for many years after makes me think that even today we don't give women the space to grieve. (And of course, when we do it is so often recuperated by the crowd that would prefer women not be allowed to make complicated decisions about their bodies.) Your post also reminded me of of the sorrows of women in countries with high birth rates; they keep having children because so few survive infancy. How blessed we are to have what we have, here, in America, so our babies live more often. And yet how much importance our one or two births take on--so much expectation, so that one pregnancy gets loaded up with risky feelings. No wonder it's hard to decide to try again.
This morning I attended a memorial mass for the husband of a friend of mine, a man everyone loved because he was always outgoing and generous with his friendship. He was young, in his 50s, and had met his wife about 5 years ago. They were definitely soul mates. He died of liver cancer a couple weeks ago. I am nontheistic, but the mass was exquisite. What put it over was my friend's closing memories of her husband. She said she had felt that it was unfair of God to have taken her man away when he was so young, and that they had each other such a short time. Everyone loved him, couldn't God see the pain caused to him and others by his illness and death?
But when the doctor told her that the cancer had been there for years before the symptoms came, it helped her to start thinking about it differently. It made her think that instead of unfairness, there was compassion--because what happened was that people who loved this man started gathering around him in time to be in his life to support him through his illness and death. The cancer was going to get him--what God (or fate, or karma, or ???) did was bring people to him that would ease his suffering in this terrible passing.
I like the story because it reminds me that life by nature is hardscrabble; we often fall into the trap of thinking that on average things should be pretty good. But on average they may be, well, barely mediocre. And then we don't actually experience the blessings we actually have. We don't experience them. They just float by because they are taken for granted.
I grew up LDS too. I remember the primary song "Count your many blessings" . . . name them one by one . . . It can be saccharine, or it can be a call to being here now. Not to say we have it easy so don't criticize or complain or express grief. But to let the bittersweetness of things be rich and full of texture. Actually, I don't think counting them or naming them is the right idea. But stopping now and then to see one or two and feel it might be. To recognize it.
And maybe right now you are someone else's blessing, someone like St. Francis' "instrument of peace," or kindness, or compassion, who, by the chain of cause and effect, is here, now, to help someone to keep them from suffering or to ease it. Maybe your mom, or step-dad, or Leta, or Jon, or a future baby--or your readers, who I see from all these 820+ comments, you have comforted.
I hope that you receive the same comfort in abundance.
827. michelle said:
Take a deep, deep breath....breathe in, breathe out...
You are a strong woman. You have the strength.
Life is a rollercoaster...so sorry to hear about your hard time right now. I'm thinking of you and sending out warm wishes. Take care...
take a deep, deep breath....breathe in, breath out...
you are a strong woman. You have the strength.
I believe in you!!
828. Nicola said:
I'm adding my love to everyone else's Heather. I hope that you can somehow take all of our 'cyber' care and concern and affection, and feel some kind of real comfort from it.
829. pogonip said:
Your body probably doesn't even know what time zone it's in right now. Then you get hit by the scariest word in the English language. And your subconscious helps out by remembering your due date.
Be kind to yourself and do whatever you have to. You've certainly got a lot of bloggers sending positive vibes to you and your step-dad. It can't hurt.
830. Anne said:
Go to the therapist. Get enough liquids and Advil while you cry. I'll be praying for Rob and you and Jon and Leta and your Mom. I pray the rosary (I'm a Tennessean, so comfortable with the prayer thing, and I converted to Catholicism, which gave me a wonderful arsenal of saints and ways to pray).
Tell your Mom, Rob, and your Dad and stepmom that your extended community includes people who are serious about prayer and who are committed to praying for you all. Hope that doesn't freak them out, but it's a great side benefit for giving us the inside track on your life.
You might try a rosary or worry beads or even your ten fingers for a basic ongoing prayer--the Jesus prayer, or Lord Have Mercy/ God, hear me/God, help us, or address these brief thoughts to whomever you might imagine as a force of the Universe. The beads can help calm your mind and anxiety, like walking a labyrinth, etc. There's no way to do it wrong, and repetitive prayer lets you know you're doing something right now.
Also, while you mother Leta, if she'll let you cuddle and rock her, you can mother your other child, lost but now waiting for you. That child is your own little saint, and Leta's saint. I think it's lovely that you remember your child; I'd remember him or her in perfect completeness and not always as just the loss. Does that make sense? I hope so.
So many of us hurt for you and wish you well. Talk to Jon about whether you are on your meds correctly, or if you need to talk about a little change with your doctors.
We love you!
Anne
831. LeFiffre said:
First, *hugs*
Second, no judgment. People who attend their every meeting find, in times like this, that they don't know what they really believe, either, only they frame it differently as, "My faith was tested during these trying times." (Wink.) You're just calling it what it is, and we're your F&T meeting congregation. Pass the Cheerios, kid.
For what it's worth, my every sense of self was stripped away this past year. I had to rebuild. The fam, the shrink, the friends were all there for me, and some nutty blogger, too. But ultimately it was a solo journey to go deep and what I found was more than words -- and more like the bedrock I didn't know was there. It was so abjectly humbling and reaffirming that I boob to think about it, and will not write it or generally speak of it because it's too dear to me. There are different words for my feelings on the topic, but "sacred" works for me.
You'll find what you find and the best parts we'll never read about here. Bon voyage, cher.
832. Sandra Dee said:
I want you to know it sucks to be where you are right now, I had 5 miscarriages, each was very very upsetting and all different, I remember each of them, I didn't have any children at the time, so they were so painful. It gets better, I promise... can't tell ya when, but thanks for sharing your life!
833. Fi Claire said:
Heather, the whole internet is hugging you right now. I'm adding to this, from all the way over in Aussie-land. Take the time you need, to come to whatever terms are right for you.
Keeping you all in my thoughts x
834. Boulder said:
I'm sorry about what you are going through this week. It seems cruel that when you are already in a tricky emotional situation that you would have to go through more. Sadly, I know of what you speak.
I don't know if you will ever forget the due date, but I can tell you that with my last pregnancy four years ago, I've finally gotten to the point of sadness, but not despair. I am pro-talk therapy myself, and think you'll find some peace in processing it with a talented therapist.
That is how I manage to come here each and every day, despite the fact that Leta shares her birthday with my own due date from that very loss.
Sad but true.
835. Nikki said:
Hi Heather
My mom had breast cancer a couple of years ago. She had a mastectomy,lost her left breast, but won her life. Due to quick action by her doctors, they got it all before it spread to her lymp nodes and she didn't need to have any chemo. I know what a tough time this is for a family and you have my deepest sympathy. I hope everything works out for you guys!
Hugs
Nikki
836. Alison said:
Heather,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. I hope all the love that surrounds you and your family eases the hurt, if only just a little.
Love Ali xoxo
837. bryan said:
You and yours will be in my prayers!
Keep your chin up :)
838. Angela said:
Without a doubt, go to the therapist. Go. Now. It'll do you a world of good.
Also, read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Rabbi Harold Kushner. It's "religious" in a very digestible way and provides a world of guidance, understanding, and love when we're faced with difficult trials. It should be required reading for everyone.
Sending sunshine and happy thoughts your way...
839. Audrey said:
My heart and gentlest of feelings to you and yours during this time. Your continued bravery in sharing the delightful, gross, and also overwhelmingly hard bits of life is a comfort. You've been preaching that your "Mommy Blog" is about showing how hard motherhood is: I am not a mother, but read your blog because it is always incredibly interesting. Posts like this remind us all that humanity is tough to live with. *Hugs to you.*
840. TxSuzyQ said:
Sending prayers and blessings to you and your family. I don't have all the answers either, but I do know that relying on each other and loving each other through times like this, is just about the only way to get through it sanely.
Thank you for sharing and for letting us remember the pregnancy that would have been, with you. I know it might sound cliche, but I believe events like these happen for a reason. Perhaps reasons we'll never understand, maybe even for our own good or possibly because then wasn't the right time. I can't be sure, but thats what I choose to believe. It helps things make a little more sense in broader terms.
As far as trying again, ask yourself some questions. Is your desire to create another baby or to create a family? Perhaps your next child is waiting your arival instead of the other way around.
*Hugs* No matter whats in store, there are folks out here who care.
841. Lacey said:
I'm sorry to hear about your stepdad. Several years ago, my mum had cancer and I can remember that feeling of helplessness, of just wanting things to be normal. I'll be keeping your family in my thoughts.
842. Sarah said:
Heather, I am really sorry that you and your family are going through this. It is hard to have in one day life change for everyone once cancer is diagnosed. It is a loss of what life used to be. During my mom's cancer, I felt like I had to be strong for everyone. When I visited the hospital chaplain all she had to do was ask how I was doing and I totally broke down. She told me it is ok to be sad and scared and she really helped us(my mom and sisters) talk through our love and fears together. At times my mom was a pain in the ass but she was my pain in the ass and I didn't want to lose her. It is hard, but say the things you have to say to each other so your step dad will know how much he means to you. I'll be thinking of you.
843. Laura Thompson said:
Our thoughts are with you, your stepfather and the rest of his family. The fact that you haven't defined your spirituality or your belief system doesn't mean you (and those who care about you) can't send positive energy his way. But trust me, I understand the frustration, and you can't be anything other than who you are. Stay strong!
844. Aku said:
Sending all my positive thoughts and courage to your direction! It will be OK, it will.
845. Janet said:
Good thoughts are headed your way.
846. diz said:
I'm sorry to hear about your stepdad. Cancer has had her fun with lots of people in my family and I am sick of it. My grandmother died of lung cancer over ten years ago and I still resent it. Also still trying to figure out what it is that I believe, which can be so daunting.
Thoughts with you and your family, and I hope you get a good night's sleep one of these days.
847. Marley said:
I am sorry that you are struggling so much right now. I will keep your stepfather in my thoughts.
I don't know either. I was a convert as a teen and right now I sometimes feel like I am just... nothing. You are not alone in your feelings, and thank you for sharing so I know that neither am I.
I will always remember my due date too. It was my dad's birthday. It's okay to remember. It's okay if one year you forget too.
Take care, and I hope you reach the summit sooner than later.
848. Katsz said:
My husband and I suffered through 2 miscarraiges, before having our two children. I know what you're going through. I was almost tempted to just stop trying, after the second one....but glad we didn't, or we wouldn't have had our two children..now 25, and 22.
It's still something that I think about...and wonder, "what if" about. What if they didn't happen, would those children be boys or girls, and how old would they be. But, I believe that things happen for a reason, so I have to believe that something just wasn't right at the time...and it was God's way of telling us that.
It is a loss that will never be forgotten...I believe.
I'm truly sorry for your heartache...with this issue, and your stepfather's health. I hope things brighten up for you, and wish you the best.
Kristi
849. Kris said:
Heather,
thinking of you and your family, this is not easy to go through :( don't hold back the tears if you can help it,sometimes saving them up just hurts worse in the end.
I had 3 miscarriages (2 of them in October at 3 months each) before finally getting pregnant with and having my son(now 3). It was heartbreaking but am I ever glad we had the courage to try again. I hope you find that strength within yourself so you can enjoy cuddling a sweet new baby sometime in 2009.
((((hugs)))) sending positive thoughts your way!
Take care,
Kris
850. Lisa said:
I am so sorry to hear about your stepfather, Heather. He sounds like an amazing person and I hope he has a successful treatment. You have a lot going on and it is enough to bend anyone. Go to your therapist. And then come home and be there for your mother. She needs you now.
851. Steph said:
*hugs*
852. kasta said:
Two weeks ago I was holding my then 9 week old baby who was staring into my eyes as he fed, and tears started to roll down my cheek because it would have been the 1 year birthday of the baby I'd lost before him.
You do not ever forget the feeling, even when something wonderful comes along which some feel should fill that void. Your view of pregnant women is a lot healthier than mine was. I was mad and bitter - why them and not me? Especially as I work in Probation with heroin and crack users who seem to procreate like rabbits.
While I was healing I also had to deal with my father's sudden death... it felt like the apocalypse in my own little world. Even now with my 11 week old son whom I love to pieces, it is a struggle, but if you can manage to come back from the post partum you endured, I believe you can do anything.
People who've never experienced it don't really understand, but I believe that women who fight through severe post partum are the strongest people on earth... even if they themselves do not realise it.
You do what you need to do to get through each day and when you two are ready to make the decision, you will. Don't rush it.
And as for not knowing ... when my father died I *wanted* to believe so badly that it hurt. I tried and tried and tried but couldn't do it. Sometimes I still wish that I did because it would offer me some peace that I am missing. But you never know, even if I did believe I might not have that peace.
At the end of the day, you are definitely not alone. You've got an amazing husband, wonderful daughter and a loving and crazy family. You've got friends who think you're the shit and an unimaginable population of InterNuts out there that think that you're their friend even though you've got no idea who they are.
853. Patricia said:
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Heather. I had the same struggles with faith and the unknown about a month ago, and I finally just said, alright God, I give up, I know you're talking to me and I'm ready to listen now.
It sounds fanatic to everyone I know, so probably to you to.
I'll pray for you and your family, and ask for others to do the same.
854. Angie said:
Sorry to hear that your family is going through a horrible time. We are hoping for all the best in our home for you!
855. April said:
I'm so sorry Heather. I will keep your stepfather in my prayers. Hugs to you in your time of sadness.
856. Manika said:
Hang in there, Heather. I'm really sorry to hear you're having a tough time, and I hope everything is better soon. My best wishes to your stepdad and to your family. Take care.
857. canape said:
It's not morbid. Or if it is, then there are thousands of other women being morbid right along with you.
I remember the date I took the pregnancy test, the due date, the date I lost him, all of the dates. And I allow myself a little bit of sad on each of the days.
I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather.
858. Joanna said:
When I'm having a shit day (and even an okay day and a great day), clicking over to see what shenanigans Chuck and Coco (and Leta) have gotten themselves into takes me away for just a few moments. They make me smile, and I think you're so lucky to have them around! My family just had to start Hospice care for my great-aunt, so I can relate on the whole serious illness business. Not fun, but it seems like Leta is always going to hold her memories of her grandfather dear. I used to think that going to a therapist was a sign of weakness but that's definitely not the case. Stay well...!
859. Michelle said:
You can do this, Heather. Listen to you heart and your body and get whatever help you need.
860. ShimmyD said:
I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling.
Call the therapist, do not pass go, but take the $200 cuz you can get some sweet shoes with that...
861. Jonah Lisa said:
Just north of you a few hours in Idaho--you know, where all the polygamists went when the LDS leaders decided it was a no-no.
Yes, the due date pain caught me off guard, too. I wrote about it when mine rolled around in February.
http://thetobyshow.typepad.com/the_toby_show/2008/02/empty.html
I'm informed it will always hurt, a little less as the years go by and a little more at odd surprising moments. Like years from now when you meat a lovely 6 year old and are informed they were born in October 2007.
End of life and death issues are really the only things I envy religious people for. I think it must be such a comfort at those times to feel like you know exactly what's going to happen to the person you love when they leave here. Sometimes I wish I believed it all, but I just can't.
It's the only thing Karl Rove has ever said that didn't make me want to beat him with a stick. Someone asked him if he was religious and he replied, "No, I'm not fortunate enough to be a man of faith." I like that, even if he is a prick of the highest order. And yet, when I'm really feeling myself, I think that embracing the unknown, though harder in many ways, is much truer--for me anyway. Hope your Stepdad beats it.
Wishing you peace and comfort.
JL
862. Lauren said:
dearest heather.
was wondering where you had been. my close friend has lymphoma/leukemia. i'm so sorry to hear about this for you and your family.
i would know the date as well. it would probably be a few years before that anniversary would not cause an emotional upheaval.
go see the therapist. you need sleep. as for the other big issues, look to Jesus. religion is just a form. He can help.
will pray for you.
863. Vanessa R. said:
Heather, you WILL get through this. Hang in there, dear.
864. Amy said:
Heather, you've been traveling, blogging, and making a ton of TV apperances...could your insomnia have to do with being just over-exhausted? It happens to me when I get over-tired, I can't calm down and sleep restfully. It also makes dealing with normal stuff horrible, much less everything you are dealing with. Maybe if you could just take a few days off and really try to rest, even if you're not sleeping. I know the blogosphere (and I) will miss your writing, but I think it's something for you to consider. Your health comes first. You can't take care of others if you're not taking care of YOU.
865. jillybean said:
God doesn't have any grandchildren. We all have to figure out our own relationship with *him* whether our parents instilled firmly held beliefs in us or no belief at all.
866. Tamara said:
Heather,
I had a late-term stillbirth two months ago, and our son would have been born on June 8th. I am dreading that day, so I can only imagine what you are going through.
I think, as painful as it is, it is important to honor such days and most certainly, yourself and your needs.
My heart goes out to you.
Tamara
867. Heather said:
Oh, Heather, I'm so sorry for this week full of emotional bombshells. You can likely tell by the number of responses that so many around the world care for you and hold you in their thoughts. I'm among them.
I hope you know that serious illness can throw even those who are strongest in their faith into a quandry, questioning what they believe in at times like this. The serious struggles of a close family member make anyone question a just God and wonder if all they believe in can be true, then how can this happen?
I hope for the very best outcome for your stepfather. And I wish you peace and resolution regarding the miscarriage and question of pregnancy.
868. Mab said:
No, you are not the only one. On any of the counts that you listed. I've got friends who have carried a baby to term now and still mourn the one they lost. No one should tell you how to grieve.
I hope/pray that your stepfather gets well.
869. Katy said:
I'm thinking about you and your family. It's okay not to know-aren't all of us just trying to figure it out?
870. Beth said:
Heather,
I'm so sorry about your stepdad and the miscarriage. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. Life just plain sucks sometimes.
Beth
871. Wendy said:
Not that you're going to find this comment among the 8 or 9 hundred of them (!), but... when anybody in our family has trouble sleeping, I give them Ashwaganda. It's an Ayurvedic herb. They sell it at most health food stores. It's best for when you're so over-tired that you just can't keep your shit together. lifespa.com has information about it, but I wouldn't buy it from them 'cause it's more expensive than what you can get at the store.
Also, I know how you're feeling... my mom died of breast cancer just before she turned 50. Watching someone struggle through that is just awful. And, about the miscarriage... my aunt miscarried two babies (30 years ago or so) and she still has a little private birthday ceremony for each of them on the anniversary of their due dates. I think you're in good company, not weird at all.
872. Lola said:
Life is hard; all of these obstacles harder. But much like you said earlier that your life has changed so much since that 'horrible Wednesday,' this too will change and whether it's easy or hard, you will get thru...
And of course, remember you just were sitting next to Kathy Lee -- am sure your body and mind are still detoxing.
873. ~plaid said:
The uncertainty of life is the part that I find most troublesome. I read about the Mormon comment, that it is a safety net you are without. But I consider myself a believing Mormon, and yet feel there is absolutely NO safety net in the religion. I have buried two children. My blog is used as an "outlet" for my grieving.
Our story is one of certain uncertainty. I was nursing my nearly 5 month old on the left side while we were at Lagoon on Saturday, September 8th, 2001. I realized he'd stopped breathing, he didn't have a pulse. We called 911-- eventually was resuscitated and flown to Primary Children's. We were there when the airplanes flew into buildings, and the country grieved. And then on Friday, September 14, 2001 --the National Day of Mourning-- are little son died.
They gave us a diagnosis: Infant Botulism. And you have this faith that what the doctors found was really what caused it all. You don't let your guard all the way down, but there is relief that this was "just a fluke".
Then on SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2007-- exactly six years to the day of when that all happened, I was NURSING MY INFANT CHILD ON THE LEFT SIDE while we were at IKEA. I realized she'd stopped breathing, she didn't have a pulse. We called 911-- eventually was resuscitated and flown to Primary Children's. We were there, but the country wasn't grieving anymore. She died on Saturday, September 15th, 2007.
They gave us a diagnosis: Metabolic/Mitochondrial Disorder. And now they say our son died *with* botulism, but not *from* botulism-- he also died from a metabolic/mitochondrial disorder. But the faith has waned that anyone really knows anymore. For six years we believed that the doctors KNEW what caused it, and now it's all uncertain.
Uncertainty is part of us, even if we believe in a religious philosophy. No doctor, no religious leader, NO ONE will ever be able to explain to us HOW THE DATES AND CIRCUMSTANCES of it all could overlap like this! There can be no explanation unless somehow the powers of the universe could speak to me and offer up the answers.
Facing death is a very difficult thing. The loss cycle, with a miscarriage even, is a very universal part of life. There is a certainty in that, even with all the uncertainty.
I don't know why I feel so compelled to share all this, except I happened to turn on PBS while I was folding laundry last night. I hate TV, and I don't even bother with it, so maybe the powers of the Universe had something to offer me last night. And I felt somehow that what I am experiencing might give you insights for you as you go through your own journey.
I can't be certain that a year from now I can still say I embrace the Mormon faith. My faith is very weak, and my hope is fading. My husband's even further from it than I am. There is no safety net at all in the religion itself. There is not even a safety in the structure or organization of the supposed support network within the church community. The only safety in any philosophy comes from a confidence that the philosophy is not somehow flawed. That it is stable. That it is True. I think, in the end, that is what will bring us peace in uncertainty. To know that Truth IS certain, even when all around us is the unknown.
874. Anonymous said:
I am the praying type, and so I did, for all concerned.
875. Dana said:
You've had what anyone would call a *crazy* few weeks with an unbelievable amount of attention sent your way. That can't possibly be easy, regardless of whether the attention is positive or if it makes Kathy Lee "kind of nervous". Do what you have to do; as you already know well, asking for help - even from your doctor - is not admitting defeat. I'm sure you're probably feeling some extra pressure to have everything be okay, since all the Internets think now you've *totally* got it made, but that's exactly when things tend to get a bit unbearable.
I'm sorry to hear about your stepfather's illness. If I prayed it would probably change the earth's polarity or something, so I'll do you a solid and be as irreverent as possible when I think of you. :)
876. Kristin said:
WOW! What an awesome interview on your PBS station. I hope you are really proud of yourself because that was just freakin' flawless! And your hair? Perfection.
Kristin
877. Beth said:
I lost my beloved Dad to lymphoma and I had a miscarriage 7 months before his death, the due date was a week before he died. Believe me, I REMEMBERED that due date. And I cried HARD for months. No, your not crazy, you're just like all of us who have had to face the fact that life is hard. My faith became very simple and very important to me during that time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
878. michelle said:
Wow. I have never commented before, but I felt you needed to know (as others have said) that a lot of us have been in similar suckass times in our lives. I felt compelled to share, hopefully, let you know you're not alone.
Summary:
Sep 2002 - first devastating miscarriage
Aug 2003 - birth of my miracle daughter
Dec 2004 - second miscarriage
Dec 2005 - third miscarriage, surgically removed
Jul 2006 - fourth miscarriage, required blood transfusion
May 2008 - comtemplating trying to get pregnant again right now
I will spare you the details and the devastation of each and everyone of my experiences. I question faith, god, etc, OFTEN. But I have to believe in something. I have to believe that I have dealt with these experiences for a reason or a higher purpose or it doesn't make sense.
The pain is not less, I just learned to find a place for it. Why am I compelled to try again? Because I can't bear the idea of NOT trying and having any "what ifs" in my future. So I am mustering up the energy and emotional brain power to try again. Crazy, but necessary for me apparently. I didn't know when I started this messed up nonsense that I would be the type of women to press on.
You're going through a lot right now. Take a time out for yourself - indulge in the therapy, you know it helps. Let the love flow out of your heart and you'll be led by that. Your decisions will unfold when when you are ready.
879. Kwana Writes said:
Wishing your stepdad all the best and wishing you some peace of mind.
880. Kayte said:
My father was diagnosed in 2004 with lymphoma. His father and three of his uncles have died from this same disease, so you can imagine how discouraged he felt. Chemotherapy didn't work on its own for him, and he had to have an experimental treatment which destroyed his immune system, landed him in the hospital for an entire summer, and he was under house arrest for over a year. It was a very frightening time for my mother and I, because it's always just been the three of us--no siblings, not very close with extended family.
But he has made a full recovery and is living as normal a life as he did before his cancer. Lymphoma is very scary but there are a lot of treatment options available. I hope that your stepfather will recover from this illness and I know exactly how you and your family must be feeling. You have my deepest sympathy and you will all be in my thoughts.
You aren't alone. People who have had to struggle with this--we are more common than I wish, but we're there. It isn't much of a consolation and obviously it doesn't fix things, but please do know that you are not alone in this. We find each other, and we do what we can.
881. Jacqueline said:
don't throw the baby out with the bath water girlfriend. just becuase you aren't a practicing Mormon, doesn't mean that you can't find some comfort and meaning in many of the lovely beliefs of your younger years. the Mormons have many things figured out--like whatever makes us "us" goes on and on. and so do the loving relationships we've established and nurtured--or neglected. i like a lot of what the Mormons believe--and not just because i am one (my husband's a bishop in massachusetts), but becuase it makes so much darn sense. of course some of our beliefs are obnixious and offense, but again, take the good, ignore the bad. you're gonna need something to get you throught this bitter dose punching you in the gut. i love knowing you vicariously, wish you strength and clarity in this chaotic time in your life. p.s. have another baby--they are what it's all about. warm wishes from a loyal fan.
882. Lori said:
I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather; I sincerely hope everything turns out ok. I'm sending you a big hug from Virginia, wish I could do it in person! (not in a creepy way ;-))
883. cd said:
You are as strong as they come. You'll get through this. Major virtual hugs.
884. Jacqueline said:
p.s. heather, i grew up in Little Rock, Arkandsas and joined the LDS church at 16 (still the only member in my family), attended BYU, and "did" a mission in Brazil. Now I live in Massachusetts with my hot husband (the Mormon Bishop) who stays home full time with our 4 children. (he's the solid, stable one and i am the big, dramatic personality--sound familiar? i know you can relate.) I'm a software execuitve. How's that for "rowdy"? i tried to come meet you at your Brooklyn book signing a few weeks ago (i happened to be working in NYC that day), but it didn't work out. if you ever come back--or anywhere in New England, there are many of us who would love to meet you, talk and host you and your lovely family. i know that there is much to be agrivated with regarding the LDS church, but hang in there and see if there aren't some salvagable beliefs that can help get you through this difficult time.
885. Anonymous said:
I've never commented on here before, but feel compelled to say that my thoughts are with you. You are such a strong woman for doing what you do despite the backlash from your family, your religion, and the various creeps lurking on your website sending you hate mail. You're an icon to this generation of mothers using the internet to connect with one another and an inspiration to those of us who have been able to relate to your painful saga of depression. It is so admirable that you refuse to keep quiet about this illness just because it makes some people uncomfortable, because you are helping numerous others to not feel so alone. Thank you for your bravery; no matter how strong or brave you are in character, it would mean nothing if you were unable to admit that you needed help. I wish all the best to you and your family in your struggle through this difficult time.
886. sara said:
Here's my two cents for you, and you are probably sick of everyone's two cents but I'll give them anyway :)
Sometimes the harder we try to look and find and define something, the farther away it seems. I discovered once I stopped looking for God or religion or whatever you want to call it and just started acknowledging God in the good and bad things around me, the more peaceful I felt. Sounds simplistic, but I think God is a lot more simple than everyone makes him out to be. He loves us and is patient and is there. What more do we need to know?
Here's my other cent. I am young (35) and homebound because of an autoimmune disease, but was always very active and social. It's a big change that happened to me, and obviously church isn't an option, because if I can get out I'm going out with my friends... and I think God understands that... he's a partier in my mind. Anyway, I've got nothing but time on my hands and don't sleep at night because of pain, so when you go to bed tonight, do me a favor. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and tell yourself that during the night I am taking your worries for you. And I promise I will. Tonight (and other nights if you want) I'll think of your stepdad and baby and I'll pray even if you can't. And then you can pick it back up in the morning if you want. But I promise that tonight, I'll be doing that for you.
Now go picture Al Roker's nipples. Unless they make you cry. Then stop.
887. Taira said:
Hi Heather,
I am wishing your step father well...you might want to check out Eckhart Tolle's books - The Power of Now and A New Earth. Both may help you deal with significant things happening in your life...just a though!
All the best,
Taira
888. Ashley said:
Heather- I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Your step father is going to be fine. The fact that he's getting aggressive, routine treatment right now is the best thing he can possibly do to get and stay well. Try to think positively, even though that is easier said then done.
As far as a belief system that helps make sense and get you through hard times- I'm with you on that one. I still haven't made sense of it all and I don't want to fall back on a belief system I can't truly believe in simply because it makes me feel a bit better temporarily. I think that would be highly hypocritical of me. Instead, I choose the unknown which at times, especially hard ones, SUCKS DONKEY BALLS.
And as far as babies go, I have to say this- I think you are a great mother and Leta has brought so much joy and poop into your life that I think directing energy into expanding your family (by chance, by working on it) may be really healthy for you. Because its new life and from your writing (which may or may not be representative of all you feel and want) - I get the sense that it's something that you should no longer debate about (because there will always be pros and cons and risks ans shit) but possibly embrace.
Thank you for sharing. Let me know if you need me to send you some Ambien okay? You have my email.
889. Athena's Mom said:
Oh Heather.
Life just sucks sometimes, doesn't it?
890. Susan said:
Hey there! It will be okay! Really! I felt like I was reading some issues that I have experienced. First, my 84 yr old mother was diagnosed with Lymphoma in 2005 after I discovered a lump the size of a golf ball on the back of her neck. She gets chemo therapy every 6 months and she keeps pluggin' along. Her entire lymph system was compromised and her entire body it seemed had cancer. She's still here and complaining every day. She has lived with us for 10 years. Your stepfather will be fine. Make him laugh, that is the cure all for a lot of things that ail us. As for feeling strange about remembering the due date of a child that was never to be, don't fret - you are not alone. I, too, like so many other women, have lost a pregnancy due to miscarriage and it is the unknown that gets to most of us. Who would that little person be? Look in the eyes of the children you do have and thank your blessings they are there to smile back. I did get pregnant again - 4 months after my miscarriage - and I had my first and only son. After 3 girls, that really was a miracle. You have many miracles ahead of you. It's going to be okay, Heather. You've done a great job - an awesome job - with your blog and you are funny as hell. That will heal many who otherwise would never laugh. You are not alone, Heather, and your feelings are perfectly normal. If you didn't feel these emotions for the people you love and the losses in your life, you would be one cold, very hard, - well you know. It will be okay. Susan
891. Emily C said:
Blogs are strange, because I feel like you're one of my friends, and I want to tell you that I'm here for you to listen any time you want to talk. And yet, I've never met you. But, it is completely ok not to have your shit together. Thank you for being honest about it - for not pretending. You pave the way for the rest of us to follow suit proclaiming that sometimes? Life really sucks, and I have no freakin' idea why. And, while maybe I don't believe in what I grew up with, times like this sort of make me wish that I did (but not really).
892. Peder said:
Hi Heather - as it was a pleasure to interview for Computerworld in Denmark (last year I think), I just want to express my deepest sympathies for you and your family. I hope all works out good for your stepfather.
Best wishes Peder
893. Christine said:
I so sorry all of this is hitting at once. This week would also have been my 40th week of pregnancy...I, too, lost my baby in October. That alone is rocking my world right now, I can't imagine what it would be like to have the serious illness of a family member compounding the pain. I'm not the huggy kind, but I'm sending a serious virtual hug your way.
894. DM said:
I just want to thank you so much for your honesty. You make me laugh and cry and have really been helpful to me when I was going through some problems (what I call B.E., before Effexor).
I will be praying for your family and hoping everything will work out.
895. Jessi said:
I've been reading this site now for about 3 years, since I was 16, and this is the first time I've commented but I want to be one of the hundreds of people who are coming together to try and give you some strength right now. Reading your site these past few years has helped me more than I think you'll ever know. I can't fully wrap my mind around how difficult things must be for you, but you and your step father are in my thoughts. You will get through this.
*big giant smushy hugs*
896. Jan said:
Call the therapist, make your appointment, get the insomnia under control and everything will begin to fall back into place.
897. t said:
hi, google BODYTALK SYSTEM...try it out!for you and for grandpa rob.let me know the outcome!being a sceptic...saying the results are WoW, really means WOWW!
898. Camellia said:
When my mother, the Methodist Casserole Lady and the sibling known as the one with control issues in a family of controlling women, had a bone tumor so painful that my aunt the good Catholic said she understood kind doctor Kevorkian, I had no 'ism' to fall back on. I was reading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart, and all I could do was sit through the long night and be my mother's witness, stretch my mind to encompass all of those difficult things I could not change and that I would not turn away from. This would be a gift I would give to anyone going through unfathomable times.
899. juli said:
In my prayers. Cancer touches everyone in the family. Be strong.
900. sloaneroo said:
I hope you can find the strength that you need to climb the mountain. Sometimes, faith is all we need and sometimes; faith is just part of the process. I hope that you heart can heal and find time to be quiet.
I know that the timing of all the publicity and now this pretty much sucks. Thanks for being open with all of your dark places.