• http://www.lifewithharper.blogspot.com Harper’s Mom

    If only we could power automobiles with wee bits of beef jerky – ha!

    I made a powerpoint presentation to my parents when I had to tell them I would be cohabitating years ago. It was 10 slides describing the top 10 things that could be worse than the news I had to tell them.

  • Sara

    not to sound too ignorant, but is that true about Napoleon’s penis? I might have to google it.

  • http://carolynonline.blogspot.com carolyn

    Napolean would freak out if he knew people in the future were calling his tool “wee.”

  • http://www.bodaciousgirl.com Heather

    Does anyone else see the irony in this? The price of gas is almost exactly one dollar more today then it was at this time last year. So if your SUV has an 18 gallon tank, to fill it is 18 dollars extra.

    So to get the AC recharged and upgrade the stereo system that also included a 14 foot sub woofer… hold on doing the math doing the math… you will need to drive for about 4 years in your clown car to break even.

    This sure is a crazy world we live in.

    If it weren’t for the Napoleon penis line I would have to come to Utah and shake you. ;-)

    BTW I counted 69 references to penis up to my comment. You are officially porn.

  • http://velvetverbosity.com Velvet Verbosity

    It’s a really good thing y’all didn’t decide to go with mopeds like a lot of folks seem to be doing. I would hate to see what kind of freakish add-ons Jon would’ve tried there.

    Myself? I just bought a bicycle. So there. My doing good for the environment just kicked your doing good for the environment’s ass.

  • http://shoelessruth.blogspot.com/ court

    my favorite part of your post is not the hobbit car or you being more environmentally friendly, but that you included the word “jigger”. once a southerner always a southerner!

  • http://www.boocaru.com Boocara

    We had to do the same thing, downsize our beloved toyota FJ – which doesn’t even guzzle as much gas as a Tahoe. We settled on a sexy, sexy Subaru. See why…


  • lilcis

    You should consider trading in the SUV for a Honda Element. The gas mileage is almost as good as the civic, and it’s a great car for dogs. The biggest downside is the ‘suicide doors’ which make it hard to get into the back seat if you’re parked close to another car.

    I’ve had an Element for six years, and I love it! The ugly exterior grows on you once you’ve driven it a few times. So roomy!

  • Ashley

    Uhh…maybe it’s just the older Civics that are small, because my 2008 has more than enough leg/head room for my 6’4″ husband. Otherwise, this just doesn’t compute to me at all.

  • http://texas2tennesse.blogspot.com Laura

    This post reminded me once again how grateful I am to be a Lesbian, not that I don’t embrace and celebrate your hetero-ness.

  • Patrick

    Damn you and your great writing. Why can’t I take mundane, everyday spousal diplomatic relations and weave it all into some stream of amber verbiage that cascades down HTML? I have an idea for you third book…

    Thanks for all the great posts!

  • http://daddyisaninja.blogspot.com/ Brian

    Jesus that is classic. I hope he doesn’t end up blasting the bumper or the license plate or the muffler off of that whip when Xzibit’s “Motherfucker” starts bumping.

    And count your blessings on any AC at all. My Jeep Wrangler quarter-lif-crisis purchase is making me feel like the stupidest, sweatiest 32-year-old alive this Summer.

  • http://amyrollo.com/brookland AmyBaby

    City living = no driving. However, I’m about 3 feet tall so when I do get one, it will be a mini-coop. Charlize Theron Italian Job style. With the bass booming.

  • http://www.creative-soup.blogspot.com Brooke

    oh my word, i am still laughing….the mental picture of this whole fiasco is KILILNG ME!!!

  • http://kimblahg.com kimblahg

    So is Leta going to make you listen to Disney Radio on the bitchin’ new stereo? Disney Princess songs bumpin’ that 808!

  • http://www.lilja.no Stellare
  • http://www.royalbaconsociety.com marianne

    and now i’m listening to the NPR story about napoleon’s penis. thanks, dooce. always enlightening.

  • Andrea

    Honda should pay me for what I am about to say: You NEED a Honda FIT, small on the outside, big on the inside. A giant could sit in the back seat and never touch the front seat. It is like Mary Poppins carpet bag. We have been driving ours for a year and I LOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEE it!!!! I think everyone should have one.

  • http://twelvekindsofcrazy.blogspot.com/ Tina

    You called them “My Stories.” I love it. My grandmom used to say that. My grandpop called them his “programs” except he pronounced it “progrums.”

  • http://www.maxxsmadness.blogspot.com madness

    Please dont let it out that men really CAN be forgiven for just about damn near anything by using their penis! oh shit.. did i say that out loud? its true though. Ask Maxx.

  • http://www.wrathofdawn.blogspot.com Dawn

    “…because of Napolean’s penis.”

    I shall use that as my explanation for EVERYTHING forthwith.

  • http://www.undomesticdiva.com Undomestic Diva

    I can’t tell you how many times Candy Ass and my marriage has been saved because of Napolean’s penis.

  • http://www.sensiblysassy.blogspot.com Sarah

    I am at work on hold with an insurance company with the worlds worst hold music-EVER! You story made me laugh and forget that I was using minutes of my life on hold.
    Thanks for that

  • Kristin

    I’m not sure if I’m over medicated today or if this is the funniest shit I’ve read from you in awhile? Bravo!! Keep it up. Y’all make a great team.

  • http://www.megabite.com Rochelle

    I imagine that given Napolean’s height, even alive and attached it probably looked like a wee bit of beef jerky.

    (somehow appropriate that my captcha is lowed membered)

  • http://thehokeypokeyiswhatitsallabout.blogspot.com/ Sharon

    You just made me Google Napoleon’s Penis. I don’t know whether to love you or hate you for that.

  • http://www.lovemaegan.com …loveMaegan

    this: “at least we’d go out keeping it real.”

    is hilarious and so true

    …however, does the extra added weight of the subwoofer add to the amount of gas you use? I thought you could use that in an argument against Jon, but you already forgave him.

  • Anu

    I totally agree. Napolean’s penis or any penis for that matter is a good enough a reason to forgive Jon :-)

  • http://www.squidoo.com/blogginghussie That Blogging Hussie!

    OHH EM GEE…I am dying over here. Kudos to you for thinking about the environment and kudos to Jon for the great material!

  • http://maggiemaeupdates.com erin

    i love that you are saving money on all the gas you are not using so you can buy a honkin stereo! did i just say honkin?

  • senga

    These shots of Chuck in wigs are priceless- how he doesn’t snap and season you with olive oil and lemon pepper and tear all the skin from your body I’ll never know. What a patient guy. His wig portraits bring to mind a company that makes glamour wigs for cats, cat-sized to boot, at kittywigs dot com. Lordy, they are not even ironic about it!

  • Emma


    I never post comments and am only posting to this entry because you’ve closed the comments to your latest newsletter.

    I’m actually posting a comment to an entry I haven’t even bothered to read.

    But I just wanted to say, my face is wet with tears from your latest newsletter. Such a beautiful and poignant message to your daughter.

  • http://misha-pooh.blogspot.com misha

    i just heard your interview and i cried a few times, but in the good way. is that in anyway a normal reaction?

  • MustangSally

    I double-dog dare you to pull up next to one of those jacked up bouncing hotrods blaring gangsta-rap from their thousand dollar stereo systems and crank up the NPR or dead dicktator (sorry, couldn’t resist) story on YOUR thousand dollar stereo system. Heh. Unless you don’t have any of those “Fast & the Furious” wannabe’s in SLC? Or Randi Rhodes. She’s on satellite now, I think. You’d like her.

  • http://everedstone.blogspot.com/ eve

    Did Leta not have questions on the radio progeam, I can imagine my lot in the car ” Mummy, mummy, whats a Napoleon?’

  • http://vintagethirty.blogspot.com/ Tootsie Farklepants

    My husband drives a natural gas Honda Civic and the trunk is already compromised by the location of the gas tank. The space that remains houses an enormous woofer (sub woofer? whatever a woofer of some sort). Men. Apparently testosterone causes hard of hearingness.

  • http://www.mamalife.blogpsot.com Lisa

    In our house the Honda Civic is the LARGE car – we also have a Honda Fit! Now THAT is a car you can fit in your pocket!

  • http://www.thegirlwholearnedtokneel.com Rebecca

    Honda Civic 2004, baby…and a baby on the way. On the up side–it drives your ‘stuff’ quotient down and helps eliminate choice. If the stroller doesn’t fit in the trunk and leave room for groceries, it’s too big. I won’t pretend I don’t get SUV envy…but it’s all balanced by my feelings of superiority when we’re at the pump together.

    The goodie in our trunk is not nearly as fun…my husband installed a metal box in which we store our laptops. Supposedly the box is saving us from nasty laptop plunderers! I give him credit for ingenuity…then I move on to irritation at our reduced trunk space.

    Maybe I’ll start growing herbs in the box…trunk herbs. I like it.

  • Lanie H.

    To commenter #171,

    I read quite a bit of the blog in Dooce’s text ad (Wife in the Fast Lane) out of curiosity, and Kristi, the woman in question, seems to be a very loving and doting mother to her little girl who’s around Leta’s age I believe. Her blog might actually be more about her daughter than this one is about Miss Leta (hard to fathom, that!)

    Having a life that most of us don’t even bother to dream about is no protection from crapola. Kristi has one of those nasty MRSA bugs that we’ve all heard about (antibiotic-resistant staph infection) and she has to spend hours a day on IVs that make her horribly sick. She’s been battling this for years and had to have reconstructive surgery because it ate part of her nasal cavity (shudder). With all that, she still seems to funnel a lot of time and energy into her family.

    I did have the same reaction as you to the bit of crowing over the oil price – ugh. But EVERY issue has its winners along with its losers. It’s just the nature of things. In smaller ways each of us has probably benefited at someone else’s expense from time to time. And really, what would we have these particular barons do – unilaterally take themselves out of business? (Not crowing would be fine, though. Except from their pet rooster, that is.)

    That is correct: rooster. Girl HUGGING rooster. Go look. Very cute. Resume merriment.

    Link to rooster post:

  • http://missanthropy.wordpress.com Courtney

    Hi, Heather. Long time listener, first time caller.
    The better half and I traded in a “relatively fuel efficient” (for its size) Hyundai Santa Fe for a Toyota Matrix. It didn’t do that much better. A few months ago we traded that in for a brand new Yaris. I do a lot of city driving and it gets around 35mpg. Of course, the smartcar is better than a hybrid because it doesn’t have that nasty corrosive battery in it, and won’t cost a few grand to get it replaced. It’s a fun little car, and I recommend it to anyone. And it’s a shitload more comfortable than a Civic. Those make my back hurt, too.

  • Stephanie

    I have been down on SUVs for years, but now, I cannot even imagine what is going through a person’s head when they buy one. Seriously. Oh hey, I have a ton of cash burning a hole in my bank account, why don’t I buy this SUV so I can make the oil companies richer and destroy the planet??

  • http://moumou.ca/ Rebecca

    i like how you managed to use the word “jigger” :)

  • http://www.aliceqfoodie.com Alice Q. Foodie

    They really are all the same, aren’t they? Congrats on finishing your manuscript!!

  • http://rivetergirl.blogspot.com/ Robin

    That’s right, sistah! Sing it.

  • http://sixtytwodays.wordpress.com sixtytwodays


    This is a song called “Napolean’s Penis” by a local musician. By local I mean local to me, not local to the vast majority of the posters. Enjoy!

  • Leslie

    I don’t know what it is about a throbbing stereo, but I LOVE it. It takes me back to the days of high school when you just drove. Those being the days when gas was not over $4 a fucking gallon.

  • http://dorolerium.com dorolerium

    Your story makes me laugh and sigh out of total sympathy. These are the reasons mine is no longer permitted to go to the electronics store alone :X

  • http://thiscouldgetuglier.blogspot.com Kat

    What is with men and those freaking subwoofers? We have them all over the damn house.

  • http://www.handingchao.com Han Dingchao

    Yeah, hope it will work for you.

    I’m glad to write a comment here, I have been waiting ages for this moment.

  • http://www.motherproof.com Sara

    Here’s a belated explanation for ol time reader regarding the plural of Prius!