Redder than red
My mother ended up keeping Leta overnight on Friday so that Jon and I could celebrate his birthday to the fullest, if you know what I'm saying. Interestingly, I have received a dozen or so emails from male readers of this site that said something to the tune of yes, sex is good, but it doesn't come close to the iPhone. And then the signature of the email would say SENT FROM MY IPHONE 3G. Ladies, I think I just stumbled across our salvation.
It's like, sweetie, I know how much you'd love to stand here and twiddle my nipples all day, but I overheard someone talking about a new application for the iPhone, and if you don't hurry you're not going to have ANY IDEA what all those guys are Twittering about.
(I just read those first two paragraphs to Jon to see if he would be comfortable with me publishing those details, and he suggested that maybe it was time he Twittered my nipples. I'm taking that as a yes.)
After my mother dropped Leta off Saturday morning, we talked only for a few minutes before she had to head back out. This is the usual interaction we have with my mother, and rarely does she stay for more than five minutes in our living room. At first I thought it was because she has ADD. But then I realized it was because she was looking at those five minutes in my company as five minutes she could have been using to conquer the world. Selling more Avon than anyone else on earth is not enough. There must be other records out there that she could beat, other scores she could trample. And now that she's retired I get the feeling that all the avid bingo players in the world SHOULD BE VERY AFRAID.
After we hugged goodbye she headed out to our driveway to climb into her van, and then thirty seconds later she poked her head back inside our door waving our morning paper in her right hand.
"Here's your liberal propaganda!" she said as she tossed the paper on the floor of our entryway.
That liberal propaganda is The Salt Lake Tribune, the less conservative paper of the two that are circulated in Salt Lake City. Less conservative meaning that inside it you might find an op-ed from a scientist that talks about how we might want to think about conserving water. Because, oh, I don't know, we live in UTAH. A semiarid region. WHERE WATER IS NOT ABUNDANT. And then the following week you'd see an op-ed in the other, more conservative paper going THOSE LIBERALS WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR RIGHT TO HOSE OFF YOUR RIFLE IN YOUR OWN DRIVEWAY.
I wasn't about to let her get away with that, so I ran outside, knocked on her window as she was about to back out of the driveway, and when she rolled it down I pointed out that this liberal newspaper? It endorsed George W. Bush for president. TWICE.
This is where I live. A place where George W. Bush is not conservative enough.
And that's when she flipped me the bird. My mother, The Avon World Sales leader, waved her middle finger in my face. I sure hope she thought twice before she took the sacrament on Sunday.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. Court said:
Our newspapers in Oklahoma are the same - one is just slightly less conservative than the other (but that doesn't mean it is more liberal)!
2. Sarah said:
I can forgive your mom for flipping you off because her Ultra Conservative Mormon Jesus was lucky for me. ;) Mormon Jesus may reconsider his generosity when there are Drunken Wii Olympic photos...
3. dooce said:
ReCAPTCHA is having problems, making it nearly impossible to leave comments. Jon is currently looking into it. Stay tuned.
4. Ms. Karen said:
I like your mom. She's a hoot. Except for the Mormon and Avon parts, I want to be just like her when I grow up.
5. amyz5 said:
wow. (about the iphone discovery also, but that is not what i am wowing about here). i am in awe of how you can live in a place that is so opposite your mindset. must feel a bit like being an alien. (not that being an alien is a bad thing)
so i should keep telling all my friends here in NY that when they think they have any idea about what the rest of the country is thinking they are certainly dead wrong, right?
if george bush is not conservative enough... wait that sounds like the beginning of a really bad joke.
6. Leesavee said:
Heather, having grown up (like you) in the deeply Southern Baptist regions to the east of Memphis, I totally get how George Bush can be "not conservative enough" for some people. That would be the reason I live in the Northeast now. 'Cause in Knoxville, they're shootin' up Unitarian churches because they're too liberal.
I'm so glad your mom has enough of a sense of humor that she'll flip you off, though. I expect that her middle finger is very well manicured.
7. Andria and Co. said:
I like to imagine the posts from the title alone-- When, I saw "Redder than Red", I was thinking of the South Park, where they give the dog "Red Rockets". And then, I was imagine something along the lines of Chuck, and red rockets.
I think I need sleep. Or margaritas. Or, a husband who will have sex with me.
Yeah.
8. That Sneaker Wearing Entrepreneurial Cartoonist Internet Guy said:
My wife and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary last weekend. What did we do? We celebrated to the fullest at a hotel out of town AND bought each other iPhones!
Now if I could just get her to hose off my rifle in the driveway I'd be the luckiest man ALIVE!!
9. Smilf said:
I just bought a new iPhone and I have to say that I can see where someone might think it's better than sex. I have a feeling I would have trouble convincing my husband though. Maybe with enough persistence... :)
10. gingela5 said:
I'm saving up for an IPhone as we speak...I mean I love my husband but sometimes I just want some sleep! :)
11. Madness said:
Madness husband will NEVER KNOW that the IPhone EXISTS because there is NO WAY Madness will miss out on SEX for any reason, what so ever.
And I too want to be your mom when I grow up.
Love,
Madness
12. jill said:
and i'm betting that finger had a gloriously shiny, Avon-polished fingernail, adorned with a stylish, yet demure Avon cocktail ring. one only dreams of being flipped a bird so classy.
and re: recaptcha—i thought i was losing my mind.
13. Gwyn said:
I wish Northwest Florida had newspapers or.. well... news for which to write. The big story this summer was a series of unsolved goat decapitations. Seriously.
14. Adiel said:
This is got to be your funniest post in a long time. I'm laughing so hard right now and why is it funny? Because it's true!
15. anna said:
I love that your mom flipped you off . . . and that she considers a Utah paper part of the "liberal media." HAH!
Signed,
Apparently Not Able to Read reCAPTCHA codes
16. Windylou said:
I knew I liked your mom. Anyone over 50 who can comfortably flip their kid off is A-Ok in my book. Tell her and Rob hi for me sometime.
17. Stacy said:
Ha! Your mom rocks! Oh, and I am going out to buy my husband an iphone right NOW.
19. Twenty Four At Heart said:
I think our moms are related. My parents think I am "a left-wing extremist" because I flipped when my dad let my 6 and 8 year old shoot his gun. (I was not around, OBVIOUSLY!) All 6 and 8 year old kids need to join the NRA and start shooting guns, don't you agree? And if you don't you are a left-wing extremist. So I guess I am.
20. katie said:
dude - going out to get my husband an iphone RIGHT NOW.
21. LolaBloom said:
Speaking of world domination, how the heck am I supposed to succeed in that respect if I can't achieve #1 commenter position here?
I totally forget what I was going to say but in the spirit of Redder than Red....I'm redder than red from getting "The reCAPTCHA code you entered was incorrect" 48 times now. I'm about to flip you off too.... jk, nothing but luv for you H :)
22. Marinka said:
Many, many people have that reaction to George W. Bush. Until I am presented with solid evidence to the contrary, I choose to believe that your mother's middle finger was reserved for him.
23. Megan said:
I'm sorry... Was there more after the delicious bit of information that I can distract my husband with an iPhone? I couldn't concentrate...
::searching for iPhone promo materials::
24. Jenny said:
Priceless.
I came from an ultra-conservative (Southern Baptist) background, have grown decidedly less so (on both fronts), and am in a similar situation it seems of having differing ideals than those I grew up around/with. Re-connecting with former classmates on Facebook is a rather amusing remdiner of this fact.
Case in point: Today a guy I went to school with long ago, someone I haven't spoken to in, oh, 13 years or so, left a comment on my Facebook page, saying "I see you're a supporter of Barack. You can't be serious?!?!?"
I actually didn't take this so much as "You crazy liberal, what's wrong with you?" as "Wait, you did that as a JOKE, right?"
I'm worlds apart from where I grew up. Seems you are too. Nice, huh?
25. meowsk said:
That is hilarious! I think she may have earned herself a one way ticket to terrestrial heaven.
26. ma2one said:
She would have a field day if you subscribed to the
NY Times.
27. Dejoni said:
George Bush makes everyone want to fly the bird!
28. Brandon said:
Priceless. I'm from Texas, so I can commiserate. Interestingly enough, I feel partially to blame for the current President (not that I voted for him for Gov. of Texas, but still, since I live here I do feel some responsibility, or at least guilt by association).
This story kind of reminds me of my parents, who don't really see what all the negative fuss about George Bush seems to be about. He seems like such a 'regular, likeable guy' in his speeches ;) I wish they would flip the bird more often, however. It would certainly make them more entertaining.
I do feel for you. I grew up being a bit of an ideological outsider in my former hometown in Texas, but at least we have the liberal enclave of Austin, which is exactly where I took my liberal butt after college.
29. Stellare said:
Mothers are mothers. That's all. :-)
30. Patrick said:
Ummm, the iPhone is not better than sex. Granted I can't use my wife's anatomy to locate a pizzeria via GPS or create a playlist of sexy song to NOT have sex to, but I can have sex with her. Man, I know married people are supposed to have less sex by law, but I never thought Apple would be a proponent of it.
31. Salt City Girl said:
Going from the Reddest of the Red, to a lovely shade of bright blue I can sympathize. I still feel the need to read the SLTrib each morning though. Have you read any of the regular commenters on there? Scares the shit out of me!
32. Katy said:
I would pay good money to see your mama flip the bird. That is some good times right there, boy!
When Leta stays the night with The Avon World Sales Leader, does she come home all pink and smelly like Skin-So-Soft? Because that is how I imagine it.
And, there have been times I have wanted to runble with your Captcha, greaser style, for not letting me post my comments.
I need to be heard, dammit.
33. Lana said:
And this is why I can no longer read my hometown newspaper. The conservative-vs.-even-more-conservative arguments in the Letters to the Editor have me confused. It's like watching a game of tennis where the competitors are on the same side of the net.
34. Anonymous 2 U said:
Sadly no matter what the liberal Dems do it is never as horrendous and Crazy as what Republican have done,
Nut job who killed people over the weekend in the name of hating liberals at liberal churches.
Crazy world.
At least you mom is not out killing liberals at church!
35. Melly said:
Conservative is as conservative does, I say.
36. Rake said:
Sounds like me and my social voyeurism could sit around and watch you and your mother interact for hours of entertainment.
37. Kelly said:
I'm not sure Indiana even has a "less conservative" paper. So, I'm jealous.
Has anyone tried the reCAPTCHA audio challenge? Up until ten minutes ago, I didn't believe in demons, but I DO NOW.
38. Renee said:
I don't understand why so many women want to distract their husbands with iPhones. Our salvation? I happen to LIKE having sex with mine. A whole lot.
39. Bonnie said:
"Avoid obscenity... with rare exception, an obscene word is nothing more than a crude substitute for a better word. However, as with lying, there are some people who can get away with obscenity by employing t on the grand scale."
--Quentin Crisp and Donald Carroll, Doing It With Style (1981)
I think the above also applied to gestures, and that you've inherited the ability to get away with grand scale obscenity.
40. jodifur said:
It's not just men. I told my husband if the iphone were a person I would leave him for it. I love it that much.
41. scoxsmith said:
The week we moved back to NC in 1993, was during Clinton's first months in office, when all the gays in the military/don't ask don't tell stuff was going on. Our local paper ran a front page story on the developments, with a sidebar box (above the fold!) titled, "What the Bible says about homosexuals."
Funnily, the op ed page is often filled with letters from people canceling their subscriptions because of the perceived liberal slant of it's news reporting.
FYI: Dearest Hubby is still waiting on his 3G to come in to replace his "old" iPhone (which will become mine *g*). Guess I should expect a dry spell soon...
42. Emily said:
Oh, man, your mom is a hoot. My mom, too, gives me the middle finger, but she does it on such a frequent basis, it's lost all meaning!
43. Cory O said:
Coming from Anchorage, Alaska (where I STILL think there are more Mormons than Utah), meowsk's comment brought back fond memories: "That is hilarious! I think she may have earned herself a one way ticket to terrestrial heaven." I can't even begin to count how many times my friends must have said that about me!
44. vee-neck-tee said:
i WISH my mom would flip me off when I dare to contradict her Republican conspiracy theories...instead, she forwards me crazy emails that PROVE without a reasonable doubt that 1. barack obama is part of a muslim conspiracy to infiltrate the american government from the inside, 2. said conspiracy has already been deeply ingrained in our public schools, 3. we are living in the end times, signified by the evil tomatoes whose DNA has been altered so as to last longer, 4. in the final moments of the end times, beings that are like the chupacabra will feast on our blood and souls and 5. the chupacabras are being bred by the liberal government. sigh. true story. please send your mom to hug me.
45. Spatula said:
Mothers, GOD. Mine drank just 2 bottles of Georgian wine I was saving for when I was going to a dinner party. So I had to confiscate her vodka.
Talk about red. We are a very Russian family.
46. brandy said:
My man has an i-Phone and he still wants sex.
What am I doing wrong? Should I stop shaving my legs?
I mean it's been 9 years!
47. jill said:
OHMYGOD kelly — you are so right. the recaptcha audio test was scarier than most horror flicks. i kept looking over my shoulder to make sure the voices were only from the computer.
48. Brian said:
So, the funny thing is that she probably used the same HAND to take the sacrament, huh?
What's an iPhone? And, why do you need it for sex?
Newspaper Agency Corp publishes both the SLC Tribune AND the Deseret News. What do you think about that?
49. gingela5 said:
I love it when I irritate my mom to the point of her doing something irrational...for some reason when she tells me to shut up it's the most offensive thing to me! I love it!
50. M@ said:
there are RED states, and then there are CRIMSON states.
*SENT FROM MY iPHONE 3G
51. Theresa said:
My sweetie is used to thumbing my twitter, but hasn't yet tried twittering my nipples. Thanks for the suggestion - I'll have him put it on the agenda.
52. Anonymous said:
Back when I was Mormon Richard Nixon was president. I remember being a Mormon, and I'm thankful for the day I was ex-communicated. ** Melissa **
53. Dana said:
What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall for your family Thanksgiving.
:)
54. Catchick6 said:
These comments are almost as funny as the actual posting! Is it possible to receive an iphone while having sex with your spouse? That might be the definition of celebrating to the fullest!
55. Sue at eLuckypacket said:
Bad, bad CAPTCHA!
Was going to say that the thought of such a conservative rag being considered liberal sends shivers down my little BLUE-state Californicated spine!
56. J. said:
Is she going to confess to the bishop? That she had the nasty, nasty thought behind the gesture?
57. Janet said:
That was very kind of your mom to get your paper to your door instead of you having to go out and get it. I guess it doesnt hurt to try and see the positive in things.
58. Kim said:
Having grown up quiet similar to you and having left a similar religion I totally understand where you are coming from. Like when my mother first noticed my foot tattoo and promptly told me no one would ever marry me...and then was caught watching "LA INK" um...WTF?
-Kim
59. sara said:
I have to tell you one of my favorite of your mom-stories is the one about global warming. I laughed so hard and thought how unbelievable it was she thought it didn't exist... and felt sorry for you in your plight of trying to convince her otherwise.
Then I was on the phone with my dad recently and was talking about all the floods and crazy weather... and during the course of the conversation it was revealed HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING.
Thud.
That was me, passing out. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, you crazy liberal.
sara
60. Anonymous said:
My mother hasn't even flipped me off. I think I'd bawl in the driveway. I respect that you and your mother have that sort of relationship where a birdie now and then is just a further expression of love. :)
*Sent from my computer
61. Cherie said:
I was second in line to try to comment, but couldn't get reCAPTCHA to respond in any way so I flipped it off and came back to see if it would work now.
If you don't already read the Ny Times may I send you a subscription? So sorry your week is off to a lousy start. But I bet Friday night was worth your mom's finger . . .
62. Missives From Suburbia said:
For a minute there I was elated, thinking that Utah even HAD enough liberals to warrant a newspaper of their very own. I was picturing a thin, Pennysaver-type rag. Sort of like those grocery circulars that show up in my mailbox eight times a day.
Next time you see your mom, remind her that their current candidate for president is a man who the conservatives didn't think was good enough to be president eight years ago. A GUY WHO THEY THOUGHT WAS WORSE THAN GEORGE W. BUSH!
I bet that will get you the double bird.
63. rb said:
Here in Berkeley we always have two candidates for Mayor - the Liberal candidate and the Progressive candidate. So in our own way, we are cancelling out Salt Lake City.
P.S. I love your mom.
64. Kate said:
I love the posts about your mother. She totally sounds like some of my family...except that they are mostly Irish Catholic. I would only be so lucky to find out our family trees are somehow inextricably linked... :)
65. desireenb said:
Reading that your mother is Mormon made this ending even more hilarious.
66. TropicalPopsicle said:
I love how you describe your relationship with your mom. My mom is just as conservative and doesn't believe in global warming and I would LOVE to see her flip me the bird just once. That would be hilarious!
67. hello haha narf said:
i do SO love your mudder! :)
68. jennielynn said:
And here I was thinking I was the only one who got the bird from her mom. I feel so close to you now.
69. Kate said:
Your mom is the most awesome mom ever. Flipping the bird? Hello!!? My mom gets offended when people on TV say the word 'poo'. She's one of those party animal Mormon moms, isn't she?? I bet she drinks her Coke STRAIGHT at the parties. Hardcore. \m/
70. Kristan said:
Instead of telling her the newspaper endorsed W twice, you could have just said, "Thanks, Mom. Jon would have gotten the paper this morning, but he was trying to sneak in one last Twitter of my nipples before you and Leta got here."
;P
71. Jill Mormon said:
I'd have paid money to see a picture of the Mormon Avon World Sales Leader flipping the bird.
No joke.
72. the dalai mama said:
I have to say, your mom sounds like the life of the party. I of course would have received the finger too for being too liberal--I let my little baby girl where a shirt that says "I love my gay uncle." I certainly wouldn't be invited over for Sunday dinner.
iphone as sex replacement. Well of course, they can keep their porn in their pockets and don't even need headphones to hear it.
73. Robin said:
Ah, Ahhh, Ahhhhh, AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Sorry, what were you sayin? Didn't hear. Having iPhone orgasms at the moment.
Sent from my iPhone who is now smoking a cig.
74. Mike Norton said:
Your Mom wasn't flipping you off. That's the newest FIFTH sign they are teaching in the Mormon temples these days. It's totally biblical in origin. At least that's what my Bishop told me when he showed me the new sign.
75. Anonymous said:
Mrs Avon is AWESOME! I love the stories about your mom. I see where you get your sense of humor. I commend you both for staying connected regardless of your opposing beliefs.
76. Dana said:
My husband and I stayed in Cedar City overnight on our way back to California from Montana. In the morning while sitting at the breakfast nook in the Holiday Inn, I took a gander at the paper. The front page was devoted to a section about a councilman named Chris Greenwood who had protested a subdivision going up in his area. In response to his protest, some yahoo tore down his trees in his front yard. Now, you can imagine my opinion of the general public in Utah when someone goes and chops down some guy's trees in retaliation. Not really, but as we were driving through Utah, I had a hard time grasping why Cedar City needed seven Mormon churches. It seemed a bit excessive.
But, I digress.
The paper I was reading the article from was Deseret News (I thought it was a typo - I thought it was supposed to be Desert News and that somebody was going to be out of a job for that one...) so I have no idea if that paper was conservative or not, but it certainly seemed like it.
77. Undomestic Diva said:
Maybe your mom wasn't so much flipping you off as she was demonstrating a new hand cream from Avon. Could go either way, especially if she's got an upcoming meeting with the bishop for a temple recommend. It's called Subjective Sin.
79. Melanie said:
Between that and the sunset picture, you've totally encapsulated what it is like to live in Utah. It's like those moments when Mormons exhibit their faith by cutting you off in a car going 40 mph over the speed limit with one of those "Families are Forever" thingies around the license plate.
80. Stephanie said:
My husband would just text or type with one hand and play with my nipples with the other.
...but I wouldn't have it any other way.
81. Katie said:
As far as the iPhone goes, I can't say I'm shocked to see that. But beware - here's what happens after they get one:
http://dearestwife.com/2008/07/21/the-itch/
That would be my husband's blog and that entry is all about how now he needs a Mac to program applications for the damn phone.
And as far as your mother goes - good for her on the finger. J. Golden Kimball would have been proud.
82. 80smoviemama said:
I confused. I don't have a husband so can I still get an iphone? Can I "twitter" by myself?
i love your mom-i want her to adopt me.
83. gesikah said:
For some reason whenever you are talking about your Mom, in my head the role is portrayed by a combination of Olympia Dukakis as Clairee from Steel Magnolias and former Texas governor Ann Richards.
84. Klate said:
I simply can't grasp what is going on in the space beyond the New Jersey border until you hit Vegas. (with the blip of Colorado in there). I admit, I grew up in a family of Irish Catholic Democrats from Massachusetts and now live and work in New York so my perspective is skewed but I just don't understand how it's possible that the great bulk of this country is 180 degrees from my position.
85. almost vegetarian said:
I've always said I don't worry about my geek husband leaving me for another woman, unless she has a bigger hard drive than me.
I suppose I need to add an iPhone to that.
Cheers!
86. Robin G. said:
There are places where W isn't enough?
Jesus.
Actually, last polling I saw, even in Utah his polling numbers had dipped below 50%. So your mom is in the minority EVEN IN UTAH. Feel free to flip her right back.
87. Delia said:
I did see a headline about a phone that "touches you back". Might be something to look into. Kill two birds with one stone and what not.
88. Jenny said:
Your mom cracks my shit up.
89. Shamelessly Sassy said:
She should find more ways market the Avon Skin So Soft bug spray. It's fabulous. Additionally, if ever you are in sore need of people watching, Bingo is the place to go. I am sad to admit that I have been a number of times. Mostly I go to watch the old people cuss each other out when their elderly arch nemesis wins the 'big bucks' on ball I-23. I've seen at least two wrinkly fist fights (one of them involving the use of a cane as a weapon), and believe me, the entertainment is well worth the embarrassment of sitting in a Bingo Hall.
90. HouseofJules said:
I don't have a husband but I'm saving for the iPhone anyway, because one day I just might NEED it.
91. ricanhavoc said:
Wow, gee, you have me really looking forward to my own mother's weeklong stay with me next week. Nothing like having your life's values and principles cut down in the blink of an eye. Moms are good for that. Why can they push your buttons so? Because they fuckin' installed 'em in the first place!
92. Wendy said:
Speaking of getting flipped off... We were on the way back from the beach when our Tessa, who's 3, said, "Mommy, Daddy! Look what I can do!!"
We turned around, and there was our sweet sweet little girl. Flipping us off like a sailor.
I got a picture of it. You can see it here http://notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com/2008/07/island-in-sun.html
93. Anita the Ovolina said:
It's a matter of degree......
I am a "fuzzy little foreigner" (being born and raised in Italy) and after I married my Ninja husband with the Air Force I went to a small town in Alabama where they refused to sell me the NY times even though they had it because 1. I am a foreigner and 2. that's about those wacky liberals and I sure should not be one of them.
Not that it really relates to your mom just to the newspaper part...
Anita
94. Angel said:
I just love your Mom stories!! My Mom is less than 5 feet tall, has the soft voice of a cartoon character, and ALWAYS hits us with something out of the ordinary. She's an avid football fan, and was watching one of the half time reports where the guys were critisizing one of the players. "he should have jerked right; he should have jerked left" Mom added "oh, why don't they just jerk off!?! They're not on the field!"
I love expressive Moms....
95. Becky said:
I remember the first time my mother did that. Not back out of the driveway, but flip someone off. Fortunately she did it on my behalf rather than AT me.
Moms are great, including the Avon maven.
I agree with other commenters that the captcha audio thing sounds a little like hell, if I believed in such a place.
96. Mallory said:
Well then i guess it's not a coincidence that the teenage boys i know who DO have iphones DO NOT have girlfriends.
97. Jacquie said:
How refreshing to know that even conservative Mormon mom-types still flip the bird! I'm very tempted to see if this generalizes to other traditionalist sects. Think I'll go piss off some Amish...
98. Christina Bledsoe said:
Hello.
I am a first time reader of your blog. I laughed numerous times which is rare - thank you :)
I will be back to read more when time permits.
99. Sarah said:
Your mom would "love" me so much that she would have her manicurist paint her middle finger with my initials.
100. Claudious said:
I have an iphone, and while it feels really good, and looks very pretty... I say it's not on par with sex. It might satisfy longer though... so maybe it's a toss up.
As far as politics go, ouch.
101. Anne said:
Your mom is so her daughter's mother.
Hooray for you both, and Leta, Jon, the puppies, and better mosquito repellent with Skin-so-soft (the smell of a Southern summer).
102. carma said:
Ah, sounds like a scene right out of a Norman Rockwell painting...
103. KK said:
I can top that. I flipped off my 12-year-old son in church. Twice.
104. judy haley (coffeejitters) said:
yeah I think my mom is the baptist version of your mom.
If it doesn't come directly from fox news or the Bible or my Aunt Judy, it must be lies, liberal spin and part of a nasty commie plot to make the world greener and immunize children
105. lostinutah said:
"liberal propaganda". Oh. MY. HEAVENS.
At least it doesn't have "Mormon News" on its website. That's about as close as I can get while I'm still here in, well, I won't say the nasty part, just Utah.
106. amanda said:
Your stories of your mom make me laugh out loud every time.
Mostly because I was an LDS convert living in Utah and I had to run very quickly from the church and Utah after 4 years of pure living and 1 year of hidden apostasy. Sometimes I actually miss those debates I used to have with my friend the Elders Quorum President. It was so entertaining watching him get flustered and his wife (my best friend) shake her head in amusement. Ahhh yes, good times.
107. ktjane said:
i can see where you get your sense of humor AND your drive for valedictorianship! great post.
108. Ann said:
Come on now, you KNOW you were totally proud of her.
She better not have been driving an avon vehicle or you could totally call Avon HR on her - or at least threaten her with that.
What's with the new font? I'm not sure if it's "dooce", it's so round-ish.
109. William said:
She was not flipping you the bird she was telling you G W Bush is Number One.
110. Me! said:
This comment is being made exclusively for the purposes of experiencing the reCaptcha Audio Challenge...the comments about demons intrigued me. (And now that I've tried it, I must say that I agree completely! OMG, that was scary!!!)
111. Jasi said:
My Grans is Republican 'cos it's trendy in her old chick clique. She's super liberal on the insides and convinced herself GW is pro-choice. Ridiculous.
112. Spandrel Studios said:
On something of a whim, an old friend of mine is moving to Salt Lake in two weeks... wonder if she knows just how conservative it is? Guess she will find out!
113. Christie said:
Heavenly Father wants us to be free to hose off our rifles in the driveway.
114. Bunny Bodel said:
I love the vivid portrait of your relationship with your mother. :)
115. Wendy said:
Wow.
That's really all I've got to say.
116. Bush Babe said:
First, I am not American or political. (Just so you all understand that my name isn't about US pollies!!).
Second, I am still coming to grips with American states and WHAT each state is in/famous for. Utah = conservative. I get it!
Third, your mum sounds like a riot. A very handy riot (where babysitting and Avon products are concerned.) Does she read this??
And finally, hahahahhahahahahahah!!! If my Mum flipped me the bird, I'd faint clean away.
Thanks
BB
117. Jennifer said:
Twitter your nipples. I swear to God, your husband and my husband could be long, lost twins.
118. Anissa@Hope4Peyton said:
Yeah, but what COLOR was the nail on the finger that so eloquently told you to go frak yourself and your newspaper too? Did it match her lip color? If not, she's a big fraud.
119. julia said:
i wish my mom flicked me off more.
120. jess said:
dude, i love that you knocked on your mom's window. like, she couldn't just see you had something to say and roll it down before you got there?
and i used to take the tribune, all the way up here in cache valley. but now i just read all my news online.
121. Brat said:
She flipped you off???????
OMG, Heather, there is hope for her yet!
Glad you and Jon had a great Jon's Birthday!
122. Kathy said:
what a mother.
I've got one too.
and I'll take one iPhone for myself. Damn cool.
123. Anonymous said:
Bush is a Republican that do not make him a republican much less a Conservative.
124. Just Another Jenn said:
Heather you are a negative influence on the Avon World Sales leader...shame on you! :)
Next thing you know she'll be taking the Lord's name in vain and looking for token Dem's to vote for just so she can say she did!
125. Anna said:
I love that she flipped you off, that's hilarious! She is seriously a riot.
I grew up in one of the only liberal families in Logan, UT and your "analysis" of the Trib is spot on ;) Just too funny...
126. Dar said:
The Trib is liberal? I guess for Utah it could be considered liberal. Have you ever read the Weber Sentinel News (top of Utah)? I believe you have to have a recommend in your pocket just to comprehend the drivel. Aacckk!
127. brooke said:
dooce - excellent commentary about utah, but i'd like to point out to your readers that you live in SLC - the most liberal enclave of this state of ours. if its that whacky conservative in SLC, just imagine what it is like for those of us NOT there.. like up here in logan. agh.
128. Caloden said:
You have not truly reached adulthood until you and your mother can freely exchange the bird with one another. Until then you languish in a state of extended puberty.
129. Frenchie Mom said:
I agree with Caloden freely exchanging the bird is a rite of adutlhood between parent and child:) My only visit to Utah was to compete in a Venus swimwear competition, -luckily we weren't kicked out of state!
130. Ron said:
Ok...you want to talk about conservatism?
Try Philadelphia.
At least Utah knows it's conservative.
Philadelphia has GRANDIOSO delusions of openess, but what it really is...is a southern city in the north.
How sad.
And as Rocky once said, "YO' ANDRIENNE!"
131. firerobin said:
It's SO the same situation for with my mom.
We're about to subscribe to the NY Times and are already planning to hide it when she visits.
What children will do to put up with their parents.
132. PAPA said:
My girlfriend's wanted an IPhone FOREVOR...maybe "I" should be the one who's worried!
133. MS CUTE PANTS said:
While my mom won't flip anyone the bird, she will inadvertently cuss & say the F word right in our midst and that's when we have a field day...
134. pammyg said:
Might I suggest: put a Darwin fish on the back of your car, sit back, and enjoy the ride!
135. houndrat said:
If my mom ever flipped me the bird, I would burst an internal organ from copious amounts of laughter.
And I'm in SoCal, so we have all kinds of liberal out here. Yay for choices.
136. Be Like The Squirrel, Girl said:
Doesn't Avon carry that really good mosquito repellent that makes you smell like botanical gardens? I'd like to get some of that if your mom will sell to someone who gets the Trib, which in my opinion, needs MORE liberal propaganda.
137. STUFT said:
You have a choice of newspapers in America? I'm from Queensland Australia...we don't get a choice. Our choice is a conservative press or illiteracy and living in a tree house smoking pot.
Choice? This could spell revolution in our country...
When my mum flips me the bird she's usually driving straight toward me - not away from me.
138. maylo said:
I waited a year for my contract to end so i could get the iphone.
WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT.
Slow, and as a phone it SUCKS ASS. Half the time is doesn't ring and dropped calls constantly..even in San Francisco.
I say a good kiss and certainly sex is better than the iphone. Fo Sho.
139. Emma said:
Does anyone know if Heather will still autograph a copy of her book and send it back to you? (I'll pay for the postage both ways)
'Cause I'm getting it shipped to Australia so I can read it - yay!!!
Love today's post :-)
140. Emma said:
Also - we have one newspaper in Newcastle, NSW, Austraila - where I live.
I wish we had a choice between three! That would be interesting...
141. Elaine in the UK said:
Heather, I've learned soooo much about America from your Blog!
And I'm scared!
142. Holly said:
I can imagine my father saying something to that effect; in fact, he has made some quips about my feminist magazines that come eerily close to what came out of your mother's mouth. Reading and knowing a tiny bit about Utah, I am happy to say that I don't live there and being a crazy liberal, I don't know how I would survive. I can imagine myself, behind the iron bars on the Utah border screaming 'Let me out!' As for Twittering nipples...Something I can definitely see me bringing up to the boyfriend, if he would Twitter; so far, his opinion on it is 'waste of time.'
143. christine said:
i don't know how you can not go insane living in utah with the whole conservative thing.
144. Hayley said:
Well apparently Jon and I have enough in common that we'd prefer the iphone to sex. In fact, in my panic to get one asap I almost risked never have sex EVER AGAIN. Let's just say the line was long and painful and I had to promise several massages and one sided pleasures to make sure our relationship made it through.
ANYWAY, I wanted to comment on the Daily Chuck! HOLY CRAP! I thought I was the only person on the planet that knew who the hell Kula Shaker was. Thanks for that little trip in time. Now I have to decided if I want to download it onto my new iphone 3g this morning. :P
You rock, as always.
145. Creature of Habit said:
Bahahahaaahahaaaa!!!!!
I almost choked on my morning tea, this was hilarious. She sounds like my stepmother.
146. Llama Momma said:
My god, girl. You make me laugh.
Thank you for that.
147. Tara said:
My dad is way less classy than the Avon World Sales Leader (he offers us fresh roadkill for dinner when we come to visit, and he's only half joking), but they'd have a lot in common on the political front. I wish I had enough vacation time to go visit him before the November election, JUST so I could wear my Obama t-shirt and watch him explode. Maybe I could sell tickets to the show.
And I must get my hubby an iPhone, if it has those kinds of magical powers. Momma needs some sleep.
148. l0vesummertime said:
Cracking up right now, and sent the link to this page directly to my husband. He is one of those iPhone obsessed males twittering constantly, who I'm sure would trade in sex for the possibility of an iPhone. He's "making due" with his iPod touch in the mean time...
149. dkwarner1@bellsouth.net said:
Dooce's Mom Rocks!
150. Vasacor said:
Your mom rocks... than Bush, more liberal
151. andrea said:
Hysterical! I forgot about the Tribune vs. Desseret News wackiness. I think I should send your mom the Burlington Free Press from Vermont then she could flip me off too.
152. Chris said:
We live in Alpine, UT - conservative - like, bland and bland with nothing on it. We too get the SLC Tribune which is almost blasphemous down here. We were just in Colorado vacationing and asked a neighbor to pick up the paper for us so as not to alert all the naughty teenagers in our neighborhood that we were out of town (you know, the ones who spray paint the word "dildo" on your garage door). I told the neighbor she could read it if she wanted. I'm certain she used tongs to pick up and dispose of it.
I really love my neighbors - it's fun being the lone non-member... AND, I've read "the book" TWICE. I'm good.
153. Dana said:
Wow...if I was you...I would have opened the car door, reached in, and hugged the crap out of her...I might have even cried a little...and then I would have told her how proud I was of her for finally joining the dark side.
I need to get a copy of that paper...if my mom ever flipped me off I could stop wondering if I was adopted and finally been secure in the knowledge that somewhere, deep down inside, we shared "The Bird Gene."
154. Tasty said:
I love when you write about the Avon World Sales Leader. Your love for her positively sparkles... especially while poking a bit of fun -- it's some great writing.
155. Andi said:
And so now, in your own special and hilarious way, you're flipping her the bird right back! That's so sweet I got all verklempt and teary eyed just thinkin' about it. Me thinks your mom rocks.
My husband wouldn't accept the iPhone over sex, of this I am sure. He doesn't check email or text at all, unless I text him something dirty. As far as I know all he uses the internet for is to check the weather and to dream of his own personal wind farm and look at rifles and tractors. Now that I think about it, he might accept a new rifle or windmill over sex. But not an iPhone.
156. Robin said:
I love that your conservative mom feels flipping you the bird is an appropriate response. Awesome. I hope my daughter and I have that kind of relationship someday ...
157. Marrdy said:
Love your mom!! A sweet little mormon grandma flipping the bird! Priceless.
158. Walking In My Sleep said:
He, He!!!... Sex, iPhone and Flipped off by Mom. What a day.
159. Pamela said:
We taught my mother to flip us off about seven years ago, and it was a major milestone in her VERY crimson life. She is now starting to become comfortable with flipping us off, and has even started practicing on my auntie. Who flips her right back. It's beautiful.
160. Randy said:
As a man I can say the phone would not take the place of sex - but it would be better than nothing.
As for mom flipping you off I think I could see my ultra conservative mother flipping me off as well though I don't think she has.
161. Liz said:
Ummm... is it wrong for me to say that your mother exhausts me?
162. June said:
You are seriously fall-down-funny. I HEART DOOCE DOT COM.
163. Why Mom Drinks Rum said:
Lol, you and your mother remind me of the characters in a book I just read. It's called the Owl & Moon Cafe
http://www.amazon.com/Owl-Moon-Cafe-Novel/dp/0743266412
I look forward to the stage where I can flip off my daughter (to her face).
Hubby saw someone with the IPhone at the theatre last night. He licked the man's neck. True story.
164. norm said:
Thinking of you and Coco ...
http://wondermark.com/comics/429.gif
*chortle*
165. Jammer said:
Wow.....What a post!! Still laughing over it.
Your Mom has moxie!!!
Iphone over sex???
Wife and I have been married almost 21 years.
When she says or hints at sex I'm there in a shot!!!
No way I would pass her over in favor of an electronic toy.
But the phone would be good to order pizza with after the ACT!!!!
166. Natasha said:
Oh COME ON, people. She would not have to confess to her bishop for something as small as that. Only God.
I think Canada should swap half our Mormons for Utah Mormons. There needs to be some leveling off of self-righteousness. A paper that endorses Dubbya is too liberal?!
I imagine that the only reason you're able to handle it, Heather, is because you can just laugh at everyone. I would feel... I don't know. I think I'd go to my Bishop and ask for the calling wherein I can turn everyone into normal, averagely indignant Mormons.
Sigh.
167. billygean said:
My brother in law is uber Conservative and I struggle not to bring up politics with him. I got mono in January and have been in bed every since (my blog certainly makes for interesting obsessive compulsive reading since this gives you way too much time to think!), and he thinks I shouldn't get benefits even though I was a lawyer before. Indeed since he believes in the death penalty and DOESN'T believe in criminal defense lawyers, I have a hard time talking about anything with him.
So: kudos (is that what you say in america?) to you for having reached a peaceful kind of piss taking balance.
BG
PS. In England we call sex SHAGGING. My american readers think this is a good word to describe women's feelings on it.
168. Sharon said:
I have to admit to occasional use of the bird in the direction of my children. So far it hasn't seemed to warp them.
Do you think it would be bad if I got my husband an iPhone for our anniversary?
169. phhhst said:
Funny as ever. Now I can get ready for work with a smile on my face.
But my mom could take your mom hands down.
So, I think a trade is on the table.
170. Birthday said:
Birthday celebrations are a grand thing. Keep the IPHONE out of the equation.
Happy birthday.
171. Romesick said:
"Now if I could just get her to hose off my rifle in the driveway I'd be the luckiest man ALIVE!!"
That sounds dirty. :)
172. rajani said:
It's tiring, that for some reason, everyone equates owning a gun ("hose off your rifle in your own driveway") to being a Republican/conservative. If we're going to use that logic, people who wear Teva sandals must be Democratic/Liberal?
I live on both sides of that fence, so what does that make me? I can tell you that some of my politics (not all) would blow your stereotype out of the water.
(Just an aside: I'd never hose off my rifle in my driveway because yes, it does waste water, but even more so, all that water would rust the shit out of it).
Love your blog, even when it pisses me off. ;)
173. beep said:
i'm with #36- rake. i believe watching you and your mom interact would be a full night's entertainment. throw in the little dog and her intestinal problems and you can charge cover. that's almost better than t-shirt sales
174. Mel Heth said:
Oh you're a brave, brave woman for continuing to live in Utah. I would've drown myself in Salt Lake a long time ago...
175. Cathy Y said:
Okay. So is that the shade of red on her birdie finger?
176. BrowneyedGirlScout said:
These are the moments that make us giggle. If my Mom were still here, she would wave her middle finger at me and call me a "Little Shit." Do little shits grow up to be big shits?
177. Ashley said:
Heh. Your mom kind of reminds me of my Grams. Lots of spunk, and lots of flipping off - except she calls it the Wurth wave (last name = Wurth).
On a second note, I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't settle for an iPHONE OR sex. He doesn't understand why he can't have both on his birthday AND breakfast in bed.
In fact, guess what I'm getting for my birthday? A moped. For his lazy ass. Thoughtful, right? (Sidenote: He says it's NOT a moped, it's a motorscooter. Whatever.)
178. Jessica said:
I don't get people at all. Liberals are the ones living what Jesus taught (don't judge other people, help one another -- and I am pretty sure today He would say don't play with guns, and take care of the earth). Conservatives are the ones turning people away from religion with their hypocrisy. No offense to your mom, though. I like Avon... esp. that Skin So Soft stuff. :) I just think I'll stay here in New England.
179. Bonkersmomof4 said:
Your mom must be having flashbacks of Memphis traffic to be flipping the bird so easily! Hilarious!
180. Jackie said:
Your mom sounds like a hoot!!
I wish my mom was still around to give me the finger!!
(although that really wasn't her style..)
;)
Jackie
181. Mary said:
Aren't there many Avon World Sales Leaders? This always confuses me.
182. Michael said:
Does one "celebrate [a] birthday to the fullest" in Utah as elsewhere? With a cake and candles and ice cream and a Netflix movie? Me too!
And, yes, indeed, there are places in This Great Land of Ours where GWB really is too liberal. but in January he will be too gone and good riddance.
Obama '08!
183. Misty said:
See, I like you and all, but your Mom is who I want to get trashed, you just know she's been holding everything in for 50 or so years, waiting to let her guard down with someone she can trust, someone she'll never see again. Let's make this happen.
184. Debbie said:
Hosing off your gun with water from Lake Superior...let's piss off as many people as possible here people...
185. Jen in OR said:
The effect that you have had on your Mother's life is spec-fucking-tacular!!
186. anonymous said:
OMH! That's so hysterical! Utah Mormons are much different than Mormons elsewhere.
187. thotlady said:
I think I might like Salt Lake City.
188. trashalou said:
Why does Bonnie #38 want to have sex with an i-phone? Plus your mum sounds like a hoot!
Also loving that my ReCAPTCHA words are 'Trophy Relative'. Which one of you is it?
189. Christy said:
She sounds like someone I'd like to meet except that I find it hard to tell salespeople NO in person and I might find myself knee deep in Skin So Soft and holiday appropriate tubes of lip balm.
Actually, maybe I could borrow her once in awhile to flip the bird to said door-to-door salespeople? Hmmmm??
190. Single Mom in New England said:
I lived in SLC for a year and loved it when the Salt Lake Tribune (is it still owned by a Catholic family?) would run stories about the polygamous households outside of SLC. You could smell the discomfort in the air on those perfect grid-like streets.
191. LindzML said:
Man, I wish my mom flipped me the bird. Instead I get a 25 minute lecture on how G-Dub is saving the world, one grain of sand at a time. And then my father e-mails me an hour long sermon on whatever issue is threatening conservatism today. Or, this hour.
192. the mighty jimbo said:
you should send her a case of hemp body butter from the body shop.
and a vegan cookbook.
and a copy of "it takes a village."
you know, just to keep things interesting.
193. aly said:
It's time to wrap our lips around a fabulous new term, coined specifically for the iPhone. It is "iPhoneDouche", and it refers to the douche who can't leave his iPhone alone for two seconds while his girlfriend/wife/significant other tries to tell him something relatively important -- like what to get at the grocery store since he's going anyway -- because he figures all the information he would ever need in life could be retrieved off of this new hunk of 21st century gadgetry.
194. C. McHenry said:
Um, wow. I was feeling really sorry for myself until I read this post. My only problem with my Missionaria Madre is informing her that yes, I am gettting hitched to a chick (again) this time with rings and a church officiant and stuff. PS> Dear Dooce's Mom: Come down to South Texas. We've got a guy who offers to spank kids in lieu of fines for their parents. He always needs some help from Organizing Women like yourself. Nice Conservative Abogado whom the Jesuits turned into a lovely lawyer, father and now, Judge. I'll introduce you.
195. DawnTheAvonLady said:
OMG! Not only do I just LOOOOOVE reading the dooce every day, but it just makes me laugh to no end that your mother is an Avon Lady. Not just an Avon Lady, but THE Avon Lady. Seriously, is she really the Avon World Sales Leader? Really? My upline is the Michigan Sales Leader (yeah I'm in Detroit) and I'm in awe of her. She sold a quarter million dollars of Avon last year! WTF? Like how many lipsticks is that? At $5 each that's like 50,000 of them! C'mon! I sold almost $25,000 last year and thought I was pushing the limit.
Maybe I'll see her at Conference next month! lol!
Keep up the good work!
Dawn
ps: I'm watching the South Park right now where the Mormons are the only ones who get into heaven and Satan is trying to break up w/Saddam. I'll probably go to hell just for not changing the channel.
196. John said:
When I still went to church, my friends and I would sometimes try to find creative ways to flip one another off right before receiving the Eucharist. But we're Catholic, so I think Jesus gets a kick out of it.
Also. Secretly? I think your mom would make for an entertaining world dictator.
197. DivabyDefault said:
It's okay... As a mom, I give my daughter the middle finger too, except she's one year old.
198. pogonip said:
How Nevada can have legal brothels and still be a Bush enclave is beyond me. And why is it that people still have Bush 'O4 bumperstickers on their cars? Do they actually want people to know they helped elect Dubya?? Oh wait, there are actually folks who don't think like I do...
199. Natasha said:
DawnTheAvonLady: I grin when I see that SouthPark. Yay! The Mormons! AS IF I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW.
You should know that there's more than one heaven and plenty of room for various fools. ;-P
200. Tootsie Farklepants said:
I live in Los Angeles. I fear your parents wouldn't survive our literature.
201. flowergirlphx said:
How in the world do you get your mother to leave after such a short visit??? Both of my 86 year old parents live with ME and I would love a day when she flipped me off and stormed out. Please advise!