Not necessarily a better liar, but at least she's getting creative
Jon has been experimenting with his grilling technique this week, and Sunday night he almost set the house on fire. We bought a set of cedar planks on which to grill (free range, ethically grown, lulled to sleep every night with a gentle nursery rhyme) meat, and although I think he read the directions I believe he did so with his eyes closed. Not thirty seconds after putting a set of sirloin steaks onto those sizzling planks he lunged through the back door screaming GET ME A SPRAY BOTTLE. I quickly handed him one that I found in a dollar bin at Target which in terms of spraying water performs about as well as trying to spit out a wildfire. He swung open the door again and was all PREFERABLY A SPRAY BOTTLE THAT WORKS.
Right. This is not my problem here. Don't you think you should have checked to see if there was a working water bottle on the premises before you decided to carve your initials on the lawn with a blow torch?
You could say the meal that night was somewhat difficult to chew.
Last night he tweaked his approach a little bit to cook a plank or two of fish, and since it was going to take so long we let Leta eat dinner before us. She'd been in a horrible mood all afternoon, and sometimes it's not worth it to wait for the happy family dinner when we know that letting her have her chicken nuggets early will add back those two years she just stripped from our lives by screaming all sorts of preschool obscenities over the fact that Coco had looked at her toys. Hurtful obscenities like "bum-bum," and "booger," and my favorite, "disgusting poo-poo head." You know, to distinguish it from the compliment "poo-poo head that is delicious enough to eat."
She finished her meal in record time, and as I was preparing a pot of green peas she asked for a treat. I told her yes, but she'd have to wait until her father and I had finished eating, and since we'd just started cooking it would be a while. She sat there thinking this through, processing the fact that she would eventually get her prize, but not fully comprehending the time frame. That's when she leaned over in her chair, grabbed agonizingly at her stomach and said, "Mama, my tummy hurts, and I need a chocolate treat to make it feel better."
Right. Unless you're on day two of your period it doesn't work that way. So I said, "Excuse me?"
She hunched over so far that her face was almost touching her knees. "It hurts," she moaned, her voice as raspy as a 50-year smoker who has to breathe through a tube. "It hurts so bad. A chocolate treat will fix it."
That's when I walked away from the stove, poked my head out the back door and said, dude, I know you need to keep an eye on that fish, but we need to have a talk with our daughter about her eternal salvation and how IT HANGS IN THE BALANCE.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. the dalai mama said:
My husband has the same luck with our cedar planks. We are on our third set and he is sure it is the planks and not the user of said planks.
I play along, because I love him.
Chocolate does fix everything. At least Leta has that going for her.
2. wert said:
ah, the kids i watch love to tell me the same thing. I have a tummy ache! i think i ate too much dinner! dessert will fix it!
3. andrea said:
That Leta is a smart one, already learning the ways of chocolate and all. Apparently, my bad name of choice as a 3 year old was rocket head. I have no idea what I was thinking.
4. Jillian said:
We tried grilling on a cedar plank last weekend and even after soaking the thing in my sink for THREE HOURS it still nearly burnt to a crips. And then we burped lovely smokey cedar belches for the next three days. NEVER AGAIN.
5. Anonymous said:
i just got the "mom, my tummy hurts, i really need an ice cream sandwich" line from my 4 year-old
6. Megan said:
At least she's not lying in an attempt to get alcohol treats, which surely will come later? Maybe that's just me I'm thinking of...
7. Jess said:
My sister is the same way. Every night after dinner she tells us that she's "so siiiiick" and that something from the freezer, preferably Shrek popsicles, will make her feel better.
8. Kristine said:
Reminds me of some quip I read in a magazine where a little boy had smeared his yams all over the wall next to the table in an effort not to eat them (maybe it was an orange wall?). When his mother noticed what was going on, he said, "Mommy, I'm not lying. I'm CLEANING!"
Brilliant little boy.
9. stella said:
How do kids get so darn smart?? Leta cracks me up.
10. Caren said:
Leta is genius; I don't think I could come up with something that awesome as an adult!
11. Carrie said:
Nutmeg is also 4 and she's gotten "creative" lately too. Her stories are more plausible, but every time she lies she gets this shit-eating grin on her face that rats her right out.
12. Amy said:
Genius. I love that girl.
13. Zak said:
My husband did the exact same thing because he didn't SOAK THEM IN WATER. I mentioned whether or not the planks had been soaked long enough and he was like, "You have to soak them?"
Le sigh.
14. TJ said:
Leta's really onto something, I use chocolate to solve almost all my body aches. Today I had Kozy Shack brand choc. pudding to cure heartburn. That stuff is the best!
15. Bibi said:
Work it, Leta!
16. Tess said:
My youngest tells me that her stomach is broken and a cookie will fix it. Kids!
17. Beth said:
Now THAT is funny! Kudos to Leta for having the good sense to know that for us ladies, chocolate-y treats really do make everything better!
Now, I must go home & make brownies. It's not day 2 of my period, but I want em anyway!
18. R.E. said:
I'm with Leta. Chocolate fixes everything.
19. Adiel said:
It makes you wonder just how dumb they think adults are. Best part: "and my favorite, "disgusting poo-poo head." You know, to distinguish it from the compliment "poo-poo head that is delicious enough to eat.""
20. Bex said:
Haha! She sounds like a cool chick.
21. kbreints said:
That is awesome. I wonder where she learned it?
22. Jill S. said:
Ah, I miss those sweet four year old lies. I'm on the fifteen year old ones, and trust me, they're not as cute.
23. jesse james said:
I just tried that line on my girlfriend for some home made chocolate chip cookies last night. Doesn't work when you're four - doesn't work when your thirty one. But, it's not worth it to stop trying. It might just pay off someday.
I think we were whining at the same time.
24. Robin said:
Are you suggesting that chocolate treats don't solve all the world's problems? Because I disagree ... and don't you think her fine acting skills at least earned her an honorable mention chocolate treat?
But good for you for setting rules and following through. I may not be the purveyor of fine parenting skillz but I know some when I see them elsewhere.
25. Sprite's Keeper said:
Already using her feminine wiles to get her way. That deserves her a morsel!
26. Helen Tarnation said:
They don't get any better when they get older. The husband has had severe heartburn for a long time, and for which he will have tubes put in both ends this Thursday, yet he seems to think that stopping for a milkshake every night (or making someone else do it) makes it feel so much better.
27. Erin Rae said:
Did you soak the cedar plank? We cook salmon on cedar planks often and the usual routine is to soak the thing over night. Smokes up real nice.
28. gingela5 said:
Oh I love grilling stories--my dad has nearly set the house and himself on fire a few times. There's just never enough lighter fluid on the charcoal...
29. Krysta said:
I am 25 and operate under the same logic as Leta when trying to get my boyfriend to go out and buy dessert. And I use the words "chocolate treat" as well.
30. Rachel said:
Definitely using that line next time I'm trying to get my husband to go buy ice cream...
31. Unbalanced Libra said:
Well, you know, Leta is absolutely right, chocolate DOES make a belly feel better!
My kiddos are going through a *poo poo head* phase. Oh, and dumb ass...nice.
32. Jenni said:
My personal favorite...
"I'm stuffed Mom. I couldn't eat another bite. So... What's for DESSERT?"
33. Joy said:
Brilliant naievity...scary sometimes isn't it? :)
34. Tabetha said:
I think Leta is actually a very advanced mini-you, more so than you might realize. She weighed her options and rationalized that asking for bacon would just lure Coco, plus chocolate is more like something a 4-year-old would need to sruvive.
She's a smart one, she is. You two have done very well. As for me, I can't wait until she's 16.
35. Becky said:
On a car trip last weekend, I tried to satisfy my two year-old's demands of "need chocolate!" by handing him a granola bar. He looked confused, then said, "need brown chocolate!"
Like, woman, maybe you're new, so let me be specific.
36. lush said:
The only thing better than grilling stories are turkey frying stories. My ex-husband had never fried a turkey before, but totally KNEW what he was doing. (Instructions are for p*ssies.) WEll, he WAY overfilled the fryer and then plunked the not entirely dry enough turkey in. On my mother's brand new deck. She wanted it stained, but probably not with cooking oil.
/Go Leta. I hope you're still writing this blog when she graduates to booze.
37. Jill Mormon said:
"Mommy, I need to play my game some more. Right now. Or I could DIE!!!!"
"No more games right now, son. Maybe after dinner."
"But... how can you say no when I love you so much???"
"Love has nothing to do with video game privileges, son."
"It does when I can't love you even bunches more unless you let me play. Plus I will DIE!!!"
And on and on it goes. Parenting ROCKS. I don't remember spouting such awesomeness to my Mom.
38. Lana said:
Leta's prospects for growing up into a career in politics are astonishingly high. This story is awesome.
39. Sara said:
Oh man, that was funny. I laughed so hard at "the compliment poo-poo head that is delicious enough to eat."
40. Natasha said:
Well, cedar planks DO smoke. I think that's the idea. But we have soaked them and they've been fine, on low temp. Takes longer but works.
We've got this strategy I'm sure you're heard of before: Kids say they're full. We ask if they want [delicious treat we don't even have]. They excitedly exclaim yes. We say, Aw, too bad we don't have any but look at all that yummy food on your plate! THAT will fill you nicely. And even though we do this all the time, we managed to jazz it up just enough and act convincingly enough that they always forget and say, DOH! Foiled again! And they're supposedly Gifted.
So, Leta may know how to work it, the clever little thing, but so do I!
41. Ramsey said:
My 3.5 year old is also doing this sort of thing. At times it's hard not to laugh.
42. Sol said:
Yeah, in my family we had cups. In our bellies. And our dessert cup was always barren, wasting, and in dire need of replenishment, and our peas/spinach/disgusting vegetable cup was always overflowing. Always.
43. Marsha said:
Well, did she get the treat??? Last night Jenny (4 also) would not eat when the rest of us did. We were having desert and she "demanded" some also. After being told she could have some once she ate her dinner she screamed "OK. But I only want JUNK for my dinner" Sounded perfectly ok to her.
44. Delia said:
Oh chocolate. Is there any problem that you can't solve?
45. Robin G. said:
It's a bit frightening to consider the kind of teenager she'll be, isn't it?
46. Suzette said:
Why, oh why weren't there blogs 20-something years ago when *I* had a little girl? What a great way to preserve all those great moments that would otherwise fade into the mists of time. And Leta apparently has a lot of them to preserve! Keep 'em coming!
47. ma2one said:
SOAK the planks in water before using.
48. anna said:
What is it with men and grilling? Is it the sheer length of the utensils, or something?
49. amyz5 said:
wait, does jon still have eyebrows? if yes, then he was probably over-reacting to the flames.
chocolate is the great pacifier, at any age.
50. Margaret said:
At such a young age,she already understands the power and corruption of chocolate. It took me until at least 5; my grandfather was a dentist and we had to hide all sugar when he came to visit.
51. sara said:
I don't have children but I do have young nieces... and we have wondered aloud many times if PMS can start at age 3.
I'm thinking by four she could totally be having cramps and craving chocolate. Then you'd have something to blame the mood swings on, too. :)
sara
52. BOSSY said:
Yeah, cute story and all - but are those green peas Free Range?
53. Shanna said:
In our house, apparently popsicles, not chocolate, can cure all of our 3 year old drama queen's woes and boo-boos. Last night she bumped her toe on a toy walking across the room, immediately fell to the floor holding said toe, and through her crocodile tears screamed in her screechy, only a 3 year old can make that sound voice "It hurts, Mama, I neeeed a popsicle"
54. Marinka said:
I'm still laughing about the water bottle. But about the stomach ache, I'm not a doctor, but I've developed the "tummy poke" where you stick your finger into the complaining kid's stomach and if they laugh, they're faking. And if they scream out in horror, not so much faking.
55. Goober said:
Yes, but has he lost his eyebrows yet?
Just wait til the piezeo lighter dealamabob quits working and he resorts to matches.
56. Court said:
I think Leta is on to something - EVERYTHING WOULD BE RIGHT WITH THE WORLD if chocolate fixed tummy aches. I think we would have peace on earth.
57. Chris said:
To help Leta with her eternal salvation, just teach her what Larry the Cable Guy says, "Lord, I apologize for that right there, and please be with the starvin' pygmies down there in New Guinea, A-men." Seems to work.
Jon should slick his face and hair back with that gooey stuff stuntmen use - I think it protects around flames...or maybe it ignites. I can't remember.
Fabulously written. As usual.
58. J. said:
ALWAYS grill with an extinguisher close by!! And I do think that chocolate is the universal cure-all.
59. Alex said:
I am not sure about you guys.... maybe my husband loves more than yours....
When I say "I am sick and only chocolate will fix it" he ALWAYS finds me some...
He is a peach (about that... I could expand on non-peachniness, but not enough time...
Leta is on to something...
AS for the cedar planks, I am the griller in the family and I have grilled some really amazing things... and I can NEVER get them to work either.
60. Anonymous said:
Are Leta's chicken nuggets free range, ethically grown, and lulled to sleep every night with a gentle nursery rhyme?
61. Kelly said:
I certainly hope you're not talking smack about Target's $1 bins. That's even worse than lying.
62. Jenni said:
If you had told me I had to wait that long for my dessert, I would've begged God for a weeping womb, pronto.
63. gingela5 said:
Your Daily Chuck is so cute! My dogs will hardly sit still long enough for me to get a decent pic of them...dumb dogs!
64. Dawn said:
I just had a terrifying thought... what if you're not blogging when Leta's 16? I mean, did we even have blogs 12 years ago? Who knows whether we'll still be blogging in 12 years' time?
I may have to go through life never knowing if the 16-year old Leta claims jello shots cure 2nd day cramps...
MWARGH!!!
65. eve said:
Me: No you can't have a treat you didn't eat your meal.
#4: I'm full up with dinner but my treat tummy is empty.
66. marysia in tx said:
I just wanted to say that when I saw today's Daily Photo, I was struck by the similar view we had last week here in Texas:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/marysia02/2694657426/in/set-72157606213020027/
Gotta love the pollution!
I met you at your SxSW meet-n-greet last March, but I have to say I am haunted by how dorky and nervous I was to speak with you and Jon. I promise, I'm not usually that socially-maimed.
67. That Sneaker Wearing Entrepreneurial Cartoonist Internet Guy said:
I'm not exactly sure how, but I know the iPhone 3G could have prevented Jon's grilling problem... now let's see, where's that App Store button...
68. Jack&Jill said:
I love hearing Leta's answers to things...so funny! Darling.
69. Heidi Renée said:
Leta is a genius.
When I tell my husband that I have my period and it HUUURTS, he will do anything for me. ANYTHING. Even when I'm on the third week of "period."
I'm guessing he missed that day in sex-ed class. I see no reason to enlighten him.
70. Rachie said:
Your daughter is really so cute. I think I was that way about chocolate when I was little. Wait, I'm still that way about chocolate. Maybe she'll never grow out of it.
71. Liz W-G said:
My normally delightful 17 year old (no really--no teenage angst here) daughter turns into a disgusting, bum-bum, booger, poo-poo head once a month. I keep a stash of the good stuff on hand for the occasions. Lindt chocolates perform miracles....trust me you will thank me for this advice in the future.
72. Nhiro said:
In reference to your daily photo, I have to agree with your hubby about the fridge in the garage. You can't have enough, I'm serious. You need one in your backyard, one in your basement, one in your bedroom. All full of booze. My aunt had at least four in her house, filled with all kinds of delightful alcoholic beverages and let me tell you: BEST VACAY EVER.
73. Wendy said:
Wow! What a little actress. She's going to have some man bending to her every whim in a few years. Come to think of it, she probably already has her dad doing everything she wants already, so...
74. Katie said:
That sounds so much like something my three-year old would say!
75. lucy said:
Regarding your lovely quilt in today's Daily Style, you might try using Effordent to clean it. Let a bunch of Effordent tablets fizz up in a few inches of tepid water in your tub, swish it around, and drop in the quilt. I've done the same many times with vintage table linens, and gotten all sorts of mysterious brown spots out.
76. Jessica said:
LOL! I love it! She is so smart. Chocolate fixes everything.
77. Sarah said:
Nothing to do with this post, but I have a suggestion for your beloved quilt. Some churches have quilting circles that would rehabilitate it for you. My grandma belongs to one and they fix up old quilts all the time.
78. e said:
AHA! a place i can comment! about the quilt: no drycleaning, what you want is colgate octagon soap. it will take anything out and not hurt the thing. you can use it on your face, on all delicates. really, all you have to do is wet the spot and rub the bar on it till it's soapy. let it sit a minute and then smoosh it up with your fingers some. rinse it off and see if it's still there: if so, do it again but let it sit for awhile, making sure it's wet. it will be gone, no matter what it is. great for sheets, too, and kids? australian dogs? nuff said. it wasn't always colgate's, it's been around 100 years or so, but there still isn't anything better and colgate has it now, but it's hard to find in stores. you can google it and order it online, though.
79. The Alleged Ringleader said:
It's actually cute knowing Leta may be a lying liar who lies, in training.
She is really smart!
80. Spandrel STudios said:
Love seeing little kids generalize like that. When my nephew was about 4, he wanted to go to to the local swim club, but his Mom (my sister) said he couldn't because his grandfather was visiting them for the afternoon.
So my nephew turned to his grandfather and said: "Grandpa, can you go home, now?"
My sister, flabbergasted, sputtered to my nephew, "That's not very polite!"
So my nephew turned and politely clarified, "Grandpa, will you PLEASE go home, now?"
81. jennielynn said:
So does Jon roll his eyes and say, "She's so your kid" ? Because that's what Mr. Clairol does and I'm wondering how long the welt will last when I do finally smack him silly.
82. ubers said:
my baby cousin did nearly the same thing. only 2 years old, not literate, yet we're in the car, driving past the comforting pink and orange glow of a dunkin donuts, and she says " beena! beena, my tummy hurts!" "oh no!" "uh, huh, i think it needs donuts."
83. JoeGirl said:
My two year old son won't even touch a bite of his supper if anybody so much as mouths the words 'ice cream'. It's as if he says “What!? There's ice cream? Well, why should I eat this shit if there's ice cream to be had??? Bring it on!â€
Kids - they are crafty.
84. Sunny said:
Chocolate makes me feel better. I understand her urgency:-)
Sometimes only an entire bag of Mint Milano cookies will fix it.
85. Kristan said:
Hehe, she's a clever one.
Next time tell her Coco LOOKED at all the chocolate treats. See if she still wants one then. ;)
86. Dee said:
Wow! Way to go Miss Leta! Chocolate is the utmost cure for all this wrong with this world. I bet if you told grandma that chocolate would fix global warming she would get on board with the rest of us liberals. By the way my new name is Aunt DoDeePooPooHead by way of my 5 year old niece!
88. Kristine said:
Heather, please promise the internet that you will still be blogging when Leta is 16. I can't WAIT to hear of the excuses/reasoning she comes up with when you find the bourbon bottle under her bed. Absolutely hilarious. Kids say the damnedest things.
89. sarah said:
My twin four year old boys call each other 'dumb-dumb stinky.' It is my absolute favorite insult to hurl as of late. It is slightly less satisfying than my prior favorite: motherfucker. 'Dumb-dumb stinky' goes over much better at work.
90. Brat said:
OMG, that child is too funny!
About your blue flower quilt, it IS beautiful! The stains only add to its loveliness, which means it was used and loved. Maybe you should see about having it professionally repaired, then find a nice place to display it, either on a stand or on a wall.
And then, make up a really good story about it, like how your forebears worked on it at nights around the fire in the cave. Because that's what I would do.
And because that kind of shit is fun to do.
.
91. Victoria said:
Around Leta's age, I started squeezing toothpaste into the toilet in the mornings. Then, I'd call my father in and say, "Daaaaadddddyyy, I threw up. I can't go to school today." Because, you know, Aquafresh and kid vomit look so much alike.
When he was feeling generous, he'd let me stay home. Why not? It meant he got to call in to work with the excuse, "My kid is sick. Can't come in today."
92. Aisha said:
The little boy I used to baby-sit did something similar, only it involved hacking as if his lungs had suddenly grown astro turf and then saying 'my throat hurts, can I have a popsicle to make it better? PLEASE?!' And then he would hack and hack and hack until I decided that a ruined dinner was better than my ruined sanity.
93. Bitchy Mom said:
OMG that is sooo funny! I don't know what I would have done in that situation...
Probably laugh uncontrollably.
You'll have to let us know what you do to fix the lying problem!
94. houndrat said:
Perhaps in some cultures "poo poo head" is a label of respect. Okay, so I'm reaching here. And, by the way, my son's favorite epithet is also a derivative of the same---are they handing out handbooks of the cool toddler curse words at preschool these days? Because I'm pretty sure the term "poo poo head" did not exist in either hubby's or my own vocabulary prior to our son's uttering it over the dinner table one day. We prefer the much more sophisticated words like "jackass" and "butt munch", thank you very much.
And as far as lying goes, here is our first experience with that involving peanut butter cups:
http://www.houndrat.com/2008/07/12/on-being-a-mom-and-peanut-butter-cups/
But if they're gonna lie, at least it's for a good cause.
95. Lori W said:
Jon must have the same problem as Wayne (my DH) and he watches too much Alton Brown too. Just wait until he tries the steak receipe in the oven and sets off all of the smoke alarms in the neighborhood. Seriously good eats but you will die from lung cancer...
Tell Leta if she keeps it up she can be president of the USA! :p
96. Traci said:
It's so refreshing to know that my 4 year old is not the only overly-dramatic preschooler out there.
I am beginning to wonder what exactly they teach these kids at "preschool".
97. Sarah said:
When Spouse calls on his way home and I say, "Bring chocolate" he generally arrives with an assortment. She's just ahead of the curve. ;)
98. Giyen said:
did you give her the chocolate or not?
don't you think she deserves it with that performance?
99. niki said:
Being a dessert junkie, I'd have to agree with Leta when she says a dessert will fix her tummy ache. But of course we all know the tummy ache is imaginary. Feigned illnesses sometimes get the desserts coming and, true enough, they almost always do. :)
100. PAPA said:
I understand Leta's point. Chocolate is not good for dogs, so it is BETTER for Leta.
Brilliant!
101. STUFT said:
My son convinced a student teacher that my husband was an astronaut - he's a builder.
But at least he got to keep his clothes on...
my daughter had several mothers at school believing that I was pole dancer after seeing photos of me at a 1997 college party blind drunk and wearing a glitter wig.
Classy, I know.
102. Tay said:
Man, kids are so god damned funny at this age.
103. Winning Startups said:
You're such a fantastic writer. My daughter is watching me read this article, asking, "Babba, what's so funny?"
104. Chelsey said:
Shit I just woke up the baby when I laughed out loud...thanks Heather!
105. Katie said:
Did someone name their daughter Nutmeg? (comments above)
Beside the point...Leta is going to be trouble in the best way. I like her train of thought.
More importantly, I like how a spray bottle was the weapon of choice against an out of control blaze.
106. Janet said:
One cold WINDY day in December in Green Bay, I decided to grill bratwurst for my daughter and son in law who had just returned from an Army tour in Korea. Figured they hadnt had any bratwurst for awhile.
One minute the brats were doing just fine. The next minute my husband had to use the fire extinguisher to keep our house from nearly burning down.
While I was disappointed not to serve them bratwurst for supper, I think I was more disappointed that the neighbors hadnt called the fire dept.
107. Vanessa said:
Is it horrible that my two year old already says this :( That chocolate will fix her boo boos and her tummy aches, that probably is not good
108. Tootsie Farklepants said:
I caught my boneless pork ribs on fire the other night and not a plank in sight. I gotz skillz. I didn't have a water bottle handy so I was all, "Kids, stay away from the bbq our dinner is on fire".
109. Mama Jamie said:
Seriously, my 5-year-old son does the same thing. He's the same kid who tells me he wants to go home...when we are at home.
110. Anonymous said:
I can't wait to read stories about when she is calling you names that begin with "F". hahaha. that's funny. my kid yells out PICKLES when he is mad.
111. Tammy said:
When I was a little girl, my mother bought these giant Nestle chocolate bars. The word "Nestle" was imprinted in the chocolate about 6 times, so she cut up the bar and had a pile of letters that she would dole out to us, one letter a day. Can you say, "Thrifty?" I would beg her for another "letter" and no one had any idea what I was talking about. They just thought I was a weird child. And I was. Am I dating myself here?
112. Anonymous said:
This has reached legendary status in our family. During the Christmas break of his 3-year-old preschool year, we learned the preschooler's ultimate insult. My husband (newly married into the family) had moved some toy to sit down and obviously irked the child. First, just a mumble and then very distinctly: "and you don't know your colors!" What a wonderful way to meet the family...being dissed by a 3-year-old!
113. Fishing Around said:
Leta's a riot!!
114. Kile said:
My kids no better than to try that with me. They get absolutely no sympathy...
115. jodimichelle said:
FYI - reading this on the drunk side of things makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever. I'm surprised I'm getting all the punctuation right here in the first place. Just had our very first Wince and Wine night - modeled after Sarah Brown's Cringe night. It. Was. Awesome. Small dutch community in Holland, Mi has NO IDEA what's coming.
I am. And it's loud.
116. Tay said:
When I was four I used say, "I'm so full! No more dinner! ... What's for dessert?"
My dad: I thought you said your stomach was full.
Me: It is.
Him: Then, where will you put your dessert?
Me: That goes in my OTHER STOMACH. My DESSERT STOMACH.
117. Anonymous said:
I love children,
"It hurts so bad. A chocolate treat will fix it."
I think that's a line I hear regularly... but not as much from my children.
118. Nicolah said:
Leta cracks me up. She has the right idea.
119. Meredith said:
Hilarious! My three-year-old does the same thing. Her version goes something like "Mommy my tummy hurts, that means I need chocolate." She also does the dramatic clutch of the abdomen.
120. Jenn said:
Poor Jon. Your anecdotes about him are hilarious. :)
121. Elaine in the UK said:
Last night after dinner I 'needed' something chocolate-y for dessert. Husband went suddenly deaf. Adult (ish) son refused to cook up something (he's usually the dessert chef).
I had to go out to the local store - myself! No-one would go for me! - and buy chocolate ice-cream.
So I sat and ate it - by myself!
Do you think deliberate and malicious chocolate deprivation might be grounds for divorce? I think so! I think I'm gonna divorce them both!
122. Siobhan said:
Ha! I used to pull that, although I was much more convincing. (Never got the chocolate though)
Be glad she's such an over actor, it'll save you unnecessary sick days and doctor visits.
123. Becky said:
You mean eating chocolate won't cure a stomach ache? Shit. No wonder I'm so fat.
124. Outnumbered221 said:
I'm sending you snaps for feeding her and preventing family pandamonium. I may or may not have told my melting down children that, "We are going sit down as a family and we are going to be a happy family eating dinner so you do not do drugs when you are older."
I totally have to deal with the tween 'tude and eye rolling fallout from that statement.
125. Susan said:
But the talapia was good..
126. Trasi said:
Funny, my child (who is 5) has used the SAME LIE! Chocolate treaties to fix a "stomach ache". Riiiiiiight. At least I am glad the lies are still easily detectable. There will come a day they won't be!
127. berit said:
seriously, we just got done with a raging battle of stomach flu and although my youngest (3)couldn't keep spit down, he always seemed to NEED a brownie, a cookie, a candy-- of course, he lies like a well loved rug.
my eldest (6)on the other hand-- not so much on the lying. he just says- 'hey, i want a treat' and when i grill him about the obvious choice of leaving his green beans on his plate, he quickly rolls his eyes and informs me that 'well, mom, brownies taste much better than green beans and you don't want me to fill up on beans do you when there's still brownies to eat? they go bad too'
128. Anita the Ovolina said:
The last time I went to Italy to visit my parents with my kids they whined for everything except the chocolate that we could buy at the "bar". I would say, let's go to the park or whereve else and all they would respond is 'cioccolata mommy'
At least they got that word in Italian ..
Ciao
A
129. Dodi said:
LOL. I find it hilarious when they lie like that...when it's so obvious and ridiculous. It does, however, frighten me when I realize they will get better about it. And it will NOT be funny.
130. country girl said:
i love that leta...and maybe you should give her the book of morman..
i have never read it myself...but they have those info-mercials and they give them away FOR FREE. amazing.
131. Katie said:
Oh the joys of the lying stage. It's entertaining, if nothing else. And chocolate does fix everything... until you eat the whole bag.
132. Priya said:
My three old has been trying to convince me that a popsicle can cure his strep throat.
133. Trishk said:
I love that kid!!
134. Joanie said:
Eerily similar to the time my niece was over and cried (at bedtime none the less) "MY STOMACH HURTS FOR SOME CHOCOLATE MILLLLLKKKKK!" In all caps with extra L's and K's...
135. Kimmers said:
Leta is such an adorably precocious little girl. I think I would've been biting back a little snicker.
I've been thinking about trying those planks... now I may rethink!
136. Brad said:
It's those damn planks. I've ruined more good steak with my undying hope in those things that I care to mention. You'd have to soak them for a year to ever actually grill with them. With all the carcinogens in grilled foods it doesn't matter in the end. Just once I'd like to have deliciously smoked cancer though.
137. Stephanie said:
God I can't wait to have kids. lol
138. Leeshka said:
Here I am, thinking mine is the only kid that pulls that nonsense. Another personal fave "I can't eat another bite. I'm SOOO full. I saved room for an ice cream cone, though!" Let me know when she hurls insults at you and then quickly tries to cover it by claiming that she was "Talking to the couch". That couch, it's a total asshole.
139. tmharada said:
i love capitalized italics. but anyway, if you think about it, most kids subconsciously would lie like that -- not so much because it's their fault, but because the subconscious is very good at experimenting / testing the limits of correlation.
kids are often given ice cream (i browsed some of the comments briefly), chocolate, etc., whatever (for me it was mcdonalds -- though i mean i ate those at other times, i was just so happy to eat a big mac when i was a kid...still would be probably) when they are sick. so intuitively they would think that if they can show that they're sick, then they will be given ice cream, etc. this intuition is so strong it knocks out malcolm gladwell (and the rationalization that it's a little fishy to suddenly appear sick in time for dessert).
140. A F said:
That's awesome. My two year old daughter's stuffed koala is named Bum-Bum.
141. beSmartbeGreen said:
Oh how chocolate does seem to fix everything. She's caught on early :)
142. flowergirlphx said:
I feel as if I have awakened from an eight year coma...how could I NOT have known about you before??? Your writing is hysterical and relate-able!
I have used those planks for grilling with nearly the same results...and dessert fixes a tummy ache every time no matter what your age!!
And your story "...next dog will be a sea monkey" made me laugh so hard I cried since I just took my dog Rosie to the vet yesterday and had the same Coco response. She had been there twice before this year...once covered in cactus spines and once to have an abscessed anal gland fixed...her memory was sharp and immediate the moment we pulled into the driveway and she whined from then until we got back into the car. She is a Pit Bull...and she didn't feel one ounce of embarrassment for her breed...
143. Adaire said:
That was hilarious. My own 4 year old just asked me why I was laughing.
144. Emily said:
Oh, mine's doing that right now...and she's 8. She's claiming that her throat hurts and the only things that make it feel better are chocolate and water.
I tell her to go grab a bottle of water.
She should never give me choices!
145. Ann said:
SO weird! WHERE does she get that from?
146. Shannon said:
When my son was almost 3 he referred to his new baby sister as "that freakin' poopin' freakin' baby"-quite an astute observation, I thought.
147. Lori said:
Greg says thanks for the 20% increase in our grocery bill now that I'm totally turned onto hormone free and antibiotic free meat and chicken. LOVING IT! Thanks for making me think outside of my Midwestern box.
Sara named her latest stuffed animal (a hideously bright dog) D.D. Today I finally asked her what D.D. stood for. Dumb Dog. No more "Annie" for her.
When Sara asks for medicine, she usually means a lollipop. It's cheaper than Tylenol, so Amen.
Thanks for the laughs, Lori
148. Shelly said:
personally....I would have clapped..and handed her chocolate ...like she was getting an academy award!!!
this could be why my daughter is such a drama queen!
149. gretchen said:
My husband had the brilliant idea to grill a Papa Murphy's Take and Bake pizza. I asked if it should be taken off the paper tray first, and he said no, becaise he lined the grill with aluminum foil. It would be fine and delicious!
Uncooked pizza CAN catch on fire.
It was pretty spectacular.
150. t said:
http://wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/97234/dooce
dooce in wordle.
151. Betsey Booms said:
Funny, when I was a kid - not going to school was the only thing that would help my tummy.
152. Sarah said:
Leta is so awesome. Ican't wait till she has a blog too!
153. Katy said:
Jaysus, my steps do that ALL OF THE TIME. The girl is the worst, because she will work her way to tears.
I also love it when they are too full to finish their dinner, but then take off for the candy jar as soon as they are excused.
I don't think so, chilluns. You shit out of luck.
I am the wicked step mothers.
154. hihorosie said:
I'm so going to try this technique! I'm sure it'll work like a charm coming from an adult.
155. Katie said:
As a grown adult, I can attest to a piece of chocolate cake fixing every known ailment. I defend Leta.
156. Anonymous said:
Thanks for the info!
157. nicky said:
Good Thinkin!
158. Schumanator said:
Yeah but like, there are loopholes.
159. chronic chick said:
Kids say the darnest things. Sometimes they see how mom's crave choclate and they think it will be a cure all, but it doesn't always work that way... LOL, if only they knew. Or is that they would rather have junk then real food, whatever that's suppose to be- Ha Ha.
160. suenarita said:
The cedar planks are great - soak in water for an hour and make sure your coals are hot and grey but without flame (for the most part). We use a Big Green Egg which is the best BBQ in the entire cooking world - fast to light (without chemicals) and very hot - plus the flame is not so close to the grill itself.
The fish should not take a long time - and is so fabulous.
I think it's great when kids say they don't like something (after they've eaten a ton of it) because they think they need to eat everything on their plates.
161. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
Hubby forgot to soak the planks, huh? Yeah, mine's been there- done that- got the eyebrows singed off to prove it.
162. Vintage Kids' Books My Kid Loves said:
We reserve the cedar planks for salmon, but the chocolate tummy ploy, you'll probably be dealing with that little trick for a while. Awesome.
163. Aloha said:
Kids what are you gonna do?
164. Missives From Suburbia said:
Hmm... I don't know. I think God understands the fabulous nature of chocolate and would forgive lying for it. Although it's possible that I'm only saying that in hopes that it's true for the sake of my own soul.
165. Michelle said:
Well, now, it's not her fault she's got intelligent parents. I'm pretty confident that would've fooled my own.
166. Coelacanth said:
Thing about the cedar planks... forget the expensive designer ones, they're too thick. You have to cook the fish for an hour, and it's dry.
However! $8 will buy you a package of 50 or so untreated cedar shingles - Home Depot sells them as shims - and they work much better. Soak 'em for about 10 minutes, oil them, put seasoned fish on, and throw them on the grill at medium heat. Easiest thing you can cook. Williams-Sonoma "Potlatch seasoning" makes a great topping.
My 3.9 year old loves cedar plank salmon, although not with the seasoning. And somewhere, he has gained the long lost knowledge that gummi bears are a foolproof cure for tummy aches. He does the whole act, just as you described.
167. enoel said:
Just wanted to tell you thanks for being honest and open in your writing. I appreciate that about your work and it has been influencing my own writing a lot lately.
Mostly, I just appreciate laughing out loud when I'm reading.
:)
168. M.Green said:
Chocolate does make everything better - even if it's just in your head. I love Target AND your blog!
169. Shannon Cdn said:
1. Didn't you know...Cedar planks are for lighting on fire, throwing on the lawn and cooking your food over the burning flames...Love the story.
2. Chocolate can save a starving 5 year old... I'm sure I read that somewhere.
From my son I hear, well...I had something good to eat...now can I have...(fill in the blank with whatever discussing gummy bear, worm confection out there) PLEASE, PLEASE PLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE>
3. Kids....who's idea was this anyway.
170. Marie said:
Hee! Is it wrong that I openly giggle at my niece when she says the same kind of thing? Now I have to go eat a truffle to soothe my digestion.
171. Cheryl said:
She is awesome! Were you laughing your "bum bum" off?
172. kapchis said:
If my girls accepted a pot of peas as a treat, I'd give them a Costco size bag of M&M's. And those kind of antics for chocolate in my house only stands as proof that they are, in fact, mine.
173. Siobhan said:
I think my daughter and your daughter should get together and go bowling so they can discuss the agony that is life together.
174. Emily said:
Another hysterical post. Getting her into acting while she's young.
175. the mighty jimbo said:
call me in 16 years or so and i'll have a lucrative job for her in tech sales.
176. Danielle B. said:
In England we have these little alumineiueminieum (!) bbq's that you can take to the beach or on a picnic, etc. They have a little wire stand underneath that holds them off the ground, but I guess they don't work so well...I guess that because we managed to burn a hole in our (rented house's) deck. We're still trying to work out how to get away with it when we move out.
178. Angel in Kentucky said:
My fave? "I'm not hungry for dinner! Can I have an oreo instead?"
And this is nightly. I will give 'em thumbs up for consistency, though. And never giving up. And driving me insane.
179. Aimee said:
Another good one is, "my dinner compartment is full but my treat department is empty..."
180. Lisa said:
Well, that'll do the trick. My daughter is getting close to "saying is believing" and yes, kids will say what they want to get what they want. It's funny though - keep a log of all the things they say and they can read it when they get older.
181. Erin O'Brien said:
Christ awmighty, girl. Never give man fire until you've outfitted yourself in a bell diver suit.
182. Alicia said:
Thats awesome, our two year old will ask for a treat and then he will being out a stuffed animal who is in need of one as well. Oh and cedar planks are evil, we finally caught on that its all about indirect heat and wood chips.
183. Rachel said:
Totally unrelated to cedar planks, but thought you might be interested in this article:
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2008/07/06/head_fake/?p...
184. Fabulously40 said:
Good for Leta, she knows what she wants, and now she is figuring out how to get it.....and that's only the beginning.
185. Maybelle said:
Totally unrelated, but I have a burning question. I started taking pictures of my new dog with things on her head. It all started innocently enough. First it was a kitten ... just to prove that she was nice to the kitten cuz people were worried. Then a bow cuz you know bows are sweet. Next a straw hat but that was just to send to my friend who left her straw hat at my house. Then with a tutu around her neck and I really had no reasonable explanation for the tutu. My question is, is this just like the gateway drug of dog photos? Will I soon be balancing a bunch of grapes on her head, then a vase, then maybe, I don't know, my Jetta?
186. gretchen said:
My husband is a master of the cedar planks. The plank MUST soak all morning/afternoon in the sink, with something heavy to keep it at the bottom. In spite of this, the plank will dry out during cooking. Take a glass of water and basting brush and keep remoistening the plank as needed until your meal is done.
It takes a lot of babysitting, but the results are delightful.
187. Andrea Spamdrea said:
Ah yes, the wonder of childhood logic. When I was I kid I used to complain that I was "soooooooo full" in order to get out of eating my vegetables. Mere seconds after mom threw those veggies in the trash I would ask for dessert. The logic: my stomach had separate compartments and while the dinner section was filled to the brim, the dessert section was TOTALLY EMPTY! Duh!
188. Kelsey said:
Leta cracks me up!
I was back reading a few of your posts and my absolute favorite one was when you told Leta to say hi to the internet and she waved and shouted, "HI TO THE INTERNET!" What a cute kid....most of the time. Because four year olds can stop being cute and any give moment- I watch one for a living.
189. Agatha said:
Heather, I have yet another totally unrelated comment but I have to ask since I haven't seen this mentioned yet and just KNOW you'd want this brought to your attention if it hasn't been already; have you seen Seriously, So Blessed! [seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com] that everyone is talking about? Since you are in Utah and a former Mormon you of all people would get a kick out of this and I think I speak for more than just myself when I say we'd love to hear your thoughts [read: sarcasm] on this!
190. Cobbler said:
You can't blame a kid for trying... I found that I used to get points for creativity accompanied by a look that clearly said, "The fact that you win this time does by no means mean that you will succeed with a similar excuse the next time."
191. StaticMonkey said:
For what it's worth, I think those are the best patterns anyone could ever wear as boxers (per the quilt pic 7/30)
192. icandyapple said:
My little girl's excuse for eating most treats (now that she has discovered gum) is that she "needs something to chew." I've worked hard to convince my husband that passing her some of grandma's chewing tabbaci is not the best solution. Yes, grandma chews. . and spits. . . and gambles . . . she's 88 - best grandma ever!
Side note: Sorry to post this here, but have you seen the video of van damme dancing, getting a boner and getting all embarassed on Brazilian TV? Click my name to check it. You've got to wait for it it. It's toward the end.
193. shonda little said:
Eternal damnation aside, at least you know Leta will be able to survive on instincts. Kudos to her for recognizing this situation needed esculation to be recognized.
But, that's probably not how I'd think of it if this were my boys, who do pull plenty of shit like this.