I have been reading you for years, right around when you were in your first months of being preggers. =)

*hugs*

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR FEELING THE WAY YOU DO SOMETIMES.

You do help people. The haters can suck it.

Oh Heather,

I thought today, just today, I would skip your post (shameful, I know), just to prove to myself that I am NOT addicted to dooce©, or the rest of the blogging world.

Ah, just one little peak before bed, I say...

Thank you, Heather, for these words. At this point in my life, I am juggling two active boys: Quinn seven, and Jake two. They have different interests, different schedules, different routines and requirements.

Summertime should be restful, casual, enjoyable, but I am instead frazzled. I am just not cut out to be a full-time Mom 24/7. I NEED my solo time or watch out! Being a stay-at-home, self-employed Mom, the task of sole caregiver falls to me this time of year. Gasp. Will I make it to September?

But then I read your post just now, and tomorrow—despite a sickeningly busy day doing an early-morning colour consultation, running Quinn to soccer, picking up a friend for a sleepover, retrieving the Subaru from the shop, etc.—I will remain calm.

Because yes - it gets so much better.
Thanks for the reminder.

Joe

You PROMISE it gets better?

You have no idea how much I needed to read this. The past few months have been...bad, and I haven't been to fond of myself as of late.

Thank you.

Thanks Heather. I started reading Dooce when I found out that you had experienced PPD and been in the hospital. I struggled with the same issues, and was ashamed that I often wanted to go to UNI until I read your posts. Thanks for your candor; it's refreshing.

How the h*ll did you know i needed to hear that today???

Ugh...thank you. It was me who needed to hear that it does indeed get better. My two year old shall live another day!

Delurking to say - thank you. Thank you so so much.

My son is 16 months old now, and it was only around 12 months that I felt we really turned the corner together, but we're still working on it. He was colicky, I had PPD, and I thought I had made a really big mistake in having children and I wondered how I could have made such a big mistake when I always thought I knew I wanted it. I was never treated...at first I just thought that was what having a newborn was like, and after I figured out that other people were enjoying it a lot more than I was, I just didn't know how to tell my husband or family that I felt like I was drowning. The days crawled by and every evening brought both a sense of "I can't believe I made it through another day" and a gigantic sense of dooooom, because my son was a terrible sleeper and just started sleeping through the night about 85% of the time last month. The unrelenting lack of sleep and the months and months on end where 2 hour stretches of crying were common were...hard. Ha.

I was doing everything "right." I had a healthy pregnancy, good nutrition and a natural birth. I wore him in a sling constantly and co-slept for the first five months - I had no choice. I breastfed (happily - the only thing that could have made that period more intolerable would have been having to make bottles!) But he just cried.

My husband didn't understand why having everything we had wanted was making me feel so desperate and doomed. Our sex life went away completely and his lack of understanding made me feel so incredibly alone.

For about the first nine months, I felt on the verge of tears a lot, and every night when my husband came home from work I took a hot hot shower and cried. My son perplexed me, I sometimes yelled at him when no one was around, I felt like a horrible person and a worse mother.

I don't feel that way anymore and my son has become so much happier and of course I have too. Reading your words just brought it all back so keenly...and I shouldn't forget to say that I so look forward to four now, and hearing his little voice get stronger and say so many more things. I just wish I had been able to read your post back then, and I hope it reaches people who are currently going through difficult times.

Yes. Heather is right. Thank you for reminding me and everyone else. We are so lucky to have these small miracles!!!

Could you have written this any better? No, no, no. I think not.

I'm not a mother yet, but I do plan to have children one day with my husband. However, I am scared. Scared that I won't instantly be in love with my child or instantly bond with her like the world tells me that I must. It scares me.

This entry was excellent. It is excellent because it made me feel like there's hope for me and that even if I'm scared beyond my wildest, erm, nightmares at the beginning...everything will eventually be OK.

VERY cool. I'm not a Mom, but I know what it is to hang on by a thread, and what it means that others share that perspective as well.

Love that a post can be profound, yet talk of snot - that's what it's all about for me.

I love this post. It made me really happy to read it. I am becoming more and more addicted to your style of writing - so fresh, honest and lovely.

Please keep up the good work.

Depressed at Work

Heather - I don't care what the internet says about you, you're pretty alright in my book.

I remember writing to you 4 years ago, right after I had my oldest daughter and just starting to get the "baby blues" Which turned into full blown PPD. Sharing your experiences w/ the internet helped pull me through. I will never ever forget that.

thank you for this post. i'm so "in that place right now" and this gave me some much needed hope.

Thank you. To hell with the Tom Cruise's of the world who think PPD is a joke. I hope Katie had it, and he had to eat his words.

Thank you.

Many times over the last two and a half years I've been in a very dark place. I don't like to think too deeply on what I was thinking those first few months.

But things are improving, hugely. Big things like mobility, sign language for a few big-important things, and words each made a leap of improvement. We're doing okay, me and Cameron. Great, most days, even.

Fantastic post.

I love you. I love that you are here trying to help people through some damn hard times.
Um, in a platonic, non stalker way I love you. For helping people.

It made me teary eyed to think of all the people you are reaching, and hopefully helping.

On a side note, I often am amazed at the conversations I sometimes have with my ten year old. It amazes me that he is 10, and not a baby. It doesn't seem that long ago now.

With all the comments already posted, I doubt anyone will ever read this, but oh well.
I hope you're right, and I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and give this a bit more of a chance, because I want you to be right.

Very well said Heather, you made my eyes water up. I agree with you, My 2nd screamed for over a year and I hated every minute of it. Now he is the most fantastic little guy I have ever met and I cherish every second of both of my kids.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. My 3 month old son was up every 2 hours again last night, and I am just so bone tired that I sometimes can't imagine ever not feeling this way again. I love him to bits, but sometimes I really, really just feel so angry with him, because he should just sleep for the love of all things holy, and then I feel guilty because what kind of a mother is angry with a 3 month old because he's permanently hungry? I really needed to read this today, to hear somebody say what the majority of people won't - sometimes it just really sucks, but it won't always be this way. So yeah, just... thanks.

Aaaamennnnn. The exhausted tears that flowed when trying to feed an infant on one side while pumping on the other side. The days and nights of tag-team sleeping. The memory of sitting on the bed, sobbing and gulping air, trying to explain to my husband that I felt like I was trapped inside my body somewhere, but that all I could feel was the freaked-out shell of myself and panic that I would never, never stop crying again. The isolation of feeling that way in the midst of people who were trying to help. The sorrow that nobody had told me it would be like *this*, and that I was essentially missing my kids' first days...

Thank you for being so honest and forthright about the tunnel, as a friend of mine calls those first days (weeks? months?) Somewhere -- probably in many 'somewheres' -- this post is being re-read, printed out, posted up as a glimmer of hope.

I think you just wrote the most beautiful thing a woman can say to another woman. Thank you from the bottom from all our hearts.

Anna from Finland

You are so right! Thank you for reminding me that I too was in that horrible place and thought I wouldn't make it. My babies are now 12 and 14 and - to my astonishment - thoroughly likeable human beings,loaded with wit and talent. We made it!

Most importantly, they are Good Company for their old ma. It was worth it!

Well said, Heather. And so very true. I'm one who made it too.

thank you

Thank you thank you thank you thank you. You've been an inspiration to me. Thank you for telling me it gets better. There has to be a light somewhere and some time in the future that I enjoy my children.

I spent last night at a BBQ with a screaming 4 month old. I was so very happy to come home with just my 7 year old.

Glad you are able to share the good times now, sounds perfect!!

I love it. Your posts make me laugh, cry and just feel good about being a mom. And it is hard. And you acknowledge that yet celebrate the amazing parts. Thanks.

I found your site when I was pregnant with my son, read all your archives to find out you were pregnant too. I always wanted to have kids, always thought it would complete me as a person, fulfill me. I didn't feel the instant love and connection either, sometimes I didn't even like him (but would never have admitted it). I'm sure, looking back, that I had some depression. Two years later, I found out I was pregnant again. It was still hard at first, but this time I knew what I had to look forward to after the baby stage, and I knew just how much I would grow to love this child, even though they still sometimes drive me crazy. My son will be four in November and my daughter will be two in October. I stay at home with them, and won't say I enjoy every minute of it, but a lot of them I do.

I appreciate your honesty, and the way you put things into words.

You know what, this is exactly why I read you. I am so glad finally someone out there can say "you know what, sometimes motherhood SUCKS HARD" and still obviously love their child so much. I'm so happy to be reminded we can get past the "wanting to drown myself in the tub because my kid is STILL screaming" bit and really truly believe someday it was worth it.

can i just be a parent from ages 3 - 6?

i've got five neices and nephews and those seem to be the fun years.

pooping and puberty, yeah, well those years i think i can live without.

Then...

You'll wake up one morning with a 9 year old and it will take everything you can to muster up those feelings of overwhelming parental joy -- and most days, you will not have the strength.

Enjoy these years - it gets much more complicated and, dare I say, manic as they grow older.

I'm not a mother or a mother-to-be, but I needed to know that too. Thank you.

Thanks Heather. I am such a fan of your ramblings even though I am now a grandmother of two deliciously mischievous boys.

I can relate to your sentiments about Leta as well as your desire to soothe other mother's fears, not quite as far down the path of motherhood as you are.

My daughter reminds me of you so I can only imagine how proud your mom must be of the way you have turned out. It does keep getting better even if your miracle creation is 41 years old like my beautifully delightful daughter Christine.

Thank you. I needed this, not just in general but today in particular.

I really appreciate this. Currently my daughter is 2 1/2 and life couldn't be more horrible. I keep thinking I'll get through this but then those days of where she screams all day. It's nice to see Leta has turned into a nice girl because sometimes I wonder if they're related by reading and then seeing my daughter do the same thing. Thanks for sharing.

Heather, today while I was researching resources to deal with a family member's hoarding issues, I almost fell over when I read that two of the measurement tests are called the Hamilton Depression Rating Scale (HDRS) and the Hamilton Anxiety Scale (HAM-A).

Surely, this is just a twisted coincidence, yes?

I think this is the most beautiful post I've read so far.
Thank you.

From the mom of a ten-day-old baby girl,

Thank you.

Wonderful post and wonderful writing.

From someone with a nineteen year old daughter, it just keeps getting better.

My daughter was a month premature and for the first three months cried and screamed from 9PM to about 2 or 3 AM. It was the middle of summer and the only thing that kept it down to a whimper was walking and bouncing her. My husband worked nights and when he got home around midnight I'd be streaming rivers of sweat mixed with her tears. Back then a shower by myself was heaven.

Last year, after I started chemo for breast cancer, I came home from errands to find my house filled with my friends, food, balloons and flowers. My daughter threw me a hat and scarf party to cheer me up and pulled off the whole surprise thing. She even had made a bunch of dishes from recipes I'd downloaded off the food network for when I got my appetite back.

Like I said, it just gets better and better.
But watch out for a few curveballs in the beginning of the teen years.

A great blog.

Thank you for that. You are so right- it does indeed get better. As a mommy who's already got one nearly 16 years old as well as one who's a terribly cranky 23 month old {& went thru PPD w/ both}, it's important to remember. Each day that my darling little one puts me through the ringer I do know there is light at the end of tunnel.

THANK YOU! My daughter just turned 13 mo. and I love her more than anything on this earth but I still get that feeling sometimes like what the hell am I doing and am I even doing it right.
Your stories make me feel so at home and I realize more and more on a daily basis that "normal" is only a setting on the washing machine!

Preach it, Sister.

You make such a difference in this world by sharing so honestly.

Thank you so much for sharing your bad times so that others may have hope (no pun intended). Each period of childhood has it's own trials, but now with three children who all have (remarkably) reached adulthood, I can honestly say IT WAS WORTH IT every step of the way. The fact that I was able to oversee the advance of these at-on-time blobs of spit up, poop and snot through yes, wanting to recycle discarded licorice sticks, not kiss 'yucky' boys, then WANTING to kiss those same boys, many, many nights waiting up and trying not to freak out ten minutes after their curfew hour - and all three are now astonishingly semi-serious working and self-sufficient adults with none of the drug problems & unwanted pregnancies that seem to be my family's legacy. God knows our limitations (which is why I have three such great kids - I'd be in jail for murder if I'd had someone f my friend's kids).

And remember to keep all of these so you can read them when your little darling turns 13 or 14 - it IS worth it, but it sure ain't always easy.

Heather,
I too suffered through horrible PPD and postpartum OCD when my son was born 2.5 years ago. I thought that I would never get that 'mommy' feeling and that he would always be this thing that I had to share my day with. Sure he was cute but I was definitely not in love with him. Now at 2 and a half? He is the absolute love of my life and I'm addicted to his hugs and his "love you mommy" I do still get some of the old anxious feelings about not being good enough or not loving him enough but not nearly as much as I get the good feelings. I would laugh at people who would tell me it would get better in the throes of it all but, IT DOES GET BETTER! One day you just wake up and actually look forward to getting out of bed and starting your day. Thank you for posting this and I'm so happy you are where you are. Lita is a lucky girl.

I hear you. My daughter is 4 and I am truly starting to connect with her and have "real" conversations. It is amazing.
I am sure this post helped out a lot of people.

Beautiful.

That is such an awesome post I have a son who in two months will be a year old and sometime he drives me mad and then we sit here together and we read your blog and he dose things like this http://mookiesmadness.blogspot.com/ lol and reminds me that its ok and that it will be.

I love this post. It highlights what no non-parent can possibly understand, the thrill of seeing this little person bloom right in front of you, and you know you're witnessing a miracle.

My kids are both adopted. My moments like this are still real and amazing. I remember the day my 13 year old Russian daughter learned enough English I could tell her a joke and make her laugh. I remember the day my 10 year old son said to me, in English, finally, "I love you, Mom."

I am sort of puzzled about the Twizzler comment though. I have lived in the South all my life but I don't let my kids pick up things off the ground and eat them. I don't know anyone here who allows that.

I had to teach my kids, who spent years in orphanages, how to use a napkin, and to wash hands before eating. I am appalled every time they tell me about the hygiene standards in their birth countries. We don't eat dirt Twizzlers, though.... ??!!

Thanks for the thoughts. My husband and I have talked about kids soon, and your post was so encouraging.

Yeah, it is a good moment. But as a woman YOUR age with step-teenagers, well... my husband puts it best: When they're teenagers, you'll wish they were screaming babies again.

I second that. Enjoy the next few years, they're a nice respite, then hang on for the BUMPY ride.

It's not easy seeing my cutie pie and knowing that she is so very like her hellion 19 year old sister.

I'm really not trying to bum you out, it's just that I'm in the middle of it, and it helps to know that it'll come back like the back-side of a hurricane. You didn't have storm shutters the first time - you will now!

I love this entry, it's so true.

That was so utterly honest and funny that I couldn't help but find it beautiful. What's crazy for me is that I did feel that way immediately, but lost that feeling right around the time my daughter found her mouth and grew a mind of her own (which for my little rocket scientist meant when she was a year old). I love her to death, and its the quiet moments like her falling asleep on my chest tonight that remind me why I love being her mother so much. It's those moments I have to hold on to when she is screaming "Mommy, I'm not sleepy" at naptime, or telling me she's not going to do something or other, or hitting her cousins or some other thing she has no business doing. Thanks for the reminder that motherhood is indeed beautiful — and survivable.

Thank you for writing that. I really needed to hear it. I'm a mother of an almost two year old and it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel most days. You've given me hope!

I love your blog, and your posts never fail to make me smile, laugh, snort, etc. But this post? This one was just the.best.ever. I was one of those women just 3 short years ago who thought she wasnt' going to make it, who every morning looked at her new baby and thought why did we do this to ourselves, and wondered if I would ever make it past that miserable time. I too used to wonder what my daughter's voice would sound like when she started talking. Nowadays I can't get over the joy that this crazy little human brings me every day. I didn't discover your blog until after I'd already made it through to the other side, but I hope that there are women out there who read your post today and that it brings them some relief and hope. Bless you.

there are still days that i think "what if i just leave and never come back?" and then i read something like this and remember that i just need to keep holding on.

A beautiful post. Being a Mom is so hard and so rewarding - glad you are seeing the high side these days.

Speaking as an expert at failing the lofty expectations held to new mothers, a high-five gimme some skin butt bump to you, dooce. I too ended up on meds due to severe pp depression. I'm still on meds. And my preschool daughter? She gets the benefit of a mom no longer tortured by anxiety and gloom.

Your experience and honesty have held a light to my darkness. Bless you, bless you, bless you.

Thank you Heather. Simply ... thank you.

You will never know just how many times you have given me the hope and determination to wake up and face a brand new day.

If only we could telepathically send all the good vibes gathered in the dooce-o-sphere down to those women who are struggling with the demands of motherhood. Not just struggling, really. Gasping for breath. I've been down there, but right now I'm sitting on a mountain and the view is nothing short of spectacular. Thanks, Heather, and congratulations for coming so far.

Heather, you've touched on the very things that have (probably unwittingly) frightened me off of parenting - the crying baby, the no sleep, the hormones, the depression. However, more than anything, I want to be the mom of an amazing young person, so, I am trying my best to conceptualize getting through the baby years. Thank you for confirming what I thought was true - that it is one of the best days of your life when your child can intellectually interact with you.

Although I've enjoyed your site since 2005, this is my first comment. I felt compelled today to say thank you. Thank you for the reminder that eventually I will again enjoy my daughter's company, and not feel an overwhelming urge to give her away - every single day. Her Terrible Two's began about 4 months ago, and while to others she is a perfectly normal, healthy, intelligent two-and-a-half year old, I am convinced that I have birthed the spawn of satan. Having had her later in my, ahem, reproductive years, most of my friends' kids are now teenagers, complete with their own dramas and problems. The most helpful advice most of them share with me is that "it only gets worse". Great. So, I've decided I'm not listening to them. I'll hold your encouragement as a talisman of hope instead. Thank you.

Your right.. it's a wonderful time!
I hate to be the bubble-burster, but wait till she hits 13... then you'll be right back at square one asking yourself.. "who is this?" "Will I ever understand this person??"

enjoy it now.....
enjoy it now....

typed by a mom of 5.
ages ranging from 16 to 4... oh joy!

I am that person. My son is 7 weeks old and I have my passport in my handbag, still, because I can't get through the day without knowing I could escape if I had to. If I HAD to.

People do say it gets better. I need to hear that a lot, right now.

Thank you.

OMG, I remember that baby stage. I could not understand why I was not in LOVE with him. I would see a 2 year old or 3 year old and think, if I can just make it that long it will be better. Lordy, it does get better. Mine is 21 now and he's not perfect but he is a wonderful human being and I have enjoyed at least 19 years of his life. lol

Thanks for your honest posts.

THANK YOU!
That was all I needed to hear today...
Altough I don´t believe it, I´ll take your word for it...
Cause right now it´s hard to see it ever getting better...

it's good to hear you say that since i am expecting baby #1 and sometimes i wonder, i also blogged about if it's feel that immediate bond that everyone say they feel and what about if i didn't. thanks.

Your posts make me laugh, kind of hard sometimes. Never have they made me cry... until today. Granted I'm pregnant and ultra hormonal, but touched nonetheless. I have a one year old and found out we're having a second just recently... I'm having such a hard time with it. Yes, babies are so cute and so cuddly, but why can't they be 5 already? :) But reading the "it will get better"... yeah, I needed to hear that. Thank you.

PS
Do you read all of the comments? Just curious.

I really needed this. I'm pregnant with my second, didn't exactly feel any overwhelming rush of love for the first for a long time and I must admit that doing it all over again fills me with dread. THis one appears to be everyone's baby (as in, everyone wanted it except me) and I am struggling between staying true to myself and giving the appearance of a happy mom-to-be, thrilled to be going through pregnancy and infancy hell.

But you are right, someday it will all be all right. I just need to find something inside me to get me through the days until this happy day comes. THanks.

I wish I could feel that way. I wish I wasn't faced with worse every single day. I lived with the hope that my cholicy little boy would get past his troubles and I could have a conversation with him. I lived with the hope that I could somehow get him into speech therapy and he would be better able to express himself. I lived with the hope that these days would pass into better times.

I cannot get him speech therapy, and by all accounts it doesn't help much anyway. I moved him to a foreign land where we will always be viewed the "evil Americans." I cannot seem to get even the smallest bit of effort from him to try, even for me.

My fiance has 2 teenagers. I get to see the worse every single day. They have taken all the hope that was left in me and turned it into something perverted and ugly. They take pride in throwing everything that I have try to teach my son out the door, and instead show him that name calling, hitting, and whining is the way to get what you want.

I wish I could feel what you feel. I envy that.

First time reader of your blog. I have a lot to go through to catch up *grins*

I am 35 and have never had kids, and not from a lack of trying. I think I would have to go through thousands of dollars in treatments, shots, etc in order to get pregnant. With hubby being 45, I think we can safely say that if we do not get pregnant naturally, then we won't worry about it. Adoption is a great alternative.

Reason I say that is that although I can "imagine" your experiences in your blog post, I can't say I truly know what you're going through. But it does make me wonder what I would be feeling if in your shoes. Food for thought.

Keep your chin up - you're doing great!

Thanks for the hope. I agree that right now, the knowledge that someone else made it is all that it takes. That's what manages to keep me going, to keep me sane.

I have often wondered if it will ever get any better or any easier.. It's good to know there is hope!!!!!

Thanks for being so real!!!

You nailed it. I went through pregnancy kicking and screaming, never getting those maternal feelings. "What if I don't like this little alien life-force?" I wondered, I asked out loud, even. I told my husband, "If she's not a girl, exchange him in the nursery for the cutest one in there when no one's looking!" I'm sure my hormones made me say that. Honest.

Now I'd keep her (27 years later) even if she was a boy. Honest.

http://thebutterflymind.com/ramblings_0036_wedding1part3.htm

http://www.thebutterflymind.com

First of all, to any commenters out there, take the words, 'When are you having another baby?' and delete them from your vocabulary. Seriously. You have no idea what a couple might be going through in order to do just that, and that question makes it sound as simple as going to the store to get a quart of milk.

And secondly, I thought my daughter was the only one so drawn to lipgloss. It's her crack...Every time we go near a store, she asks for me. She's gotten busted innumerable times since preschool (she'll be starting first grade).

Heather- Thank you so much for your honesty and sharing yourself with the world. We are all better because of you. I have had the same issue with PPD and a friends sister asked if I had read your blog. I wasn't even sure what a blog was then! My son turns 4 on September 17. It is so reassuring to know it does get better. At my son's first b-day everyone asked if the year had gone by super fast. I answered NO- It's been the longest 10 years of my life. Each year is getting a little shorter, but not much!
BTW- I love Jon for loving you (and for his clogs!). My husband has been super supportive too- but we can both agree parenthood is not what we expected! We are still deciding about baby #2 and I am so scared. I just turned 42 so I know I can't just think about it forever. My son is a true joy and it would be a blessing to add one more to our family... Leta is blessed to have you and Jon as parents and I am so lucky to feel like I know all of you.
You are a great mom!
ps I am still trying to figure out how to do the blog thing... I would love to have this mastered so my son can someday know more about us and his childhood...

When my son was 4 his sister was born and ruined his life, he'd say that because the world as he knew it completely disappeared and his mom was divided into more pieces and compartments. He was love at first site, she on the other hand wasn't. Both her brother and I did fall madly in love with her. At 21, his sister is the only one that can get him into a uproarious giggle. He says she ruined his life but adores her. When they become these people who have lives you will pinch yourself and find yourself thinking of these same parallel moments - it's uncanny how you describe it - feels the same

PS the lip gloss thing on the other hand gets worse!

Just wanted to add to your testimonial...I had Postpartum ocd and anxiety after the birth of my son 2 years ago this week and I too am living breathing yawning proof that it DOES get so much better. At the time I thought how will I ever be "normal" again? But with some meds,behavioral exercises and the support of other Moms who had been thru it, every day is Christmas with that beautiful boy.

OMG - I can relate to the lip gloss story with my daughter. Love the site!

Thank you for being in the same boat as I am. I have a 4 year old daughter as well and she and Leta are mirroring each other so much. We have the "who lives where" every afternoon while in the car. It's so weird to really be having a convo with her and not just nodding and smiling and saying "uh huh, umm-hmm". It is a very cool time indeed.

Does it? When you are 40 and still single and everyone has even given up that you'll ever find someone and it is just so freaking lonely you'd love to have a crying baby and an inconsiderate husband. But you won't. Not sure what better looks like for me.

Thank you for sharing that. I, too, have been there, and I'm glad that you made it through it. Thank you for sharing how much better it gets to others!

This is why I read your posts. Some days are phenomenal and some days I need to be reminded that it will get better. Hooray!

Beautiful.

This made me recall the terror, when I was pushing Small Child in her stroller on beautiful sunny days, that I would somehow just let go and she would either go crashing into traffic or into the rushing stream.

Of course she never did. But still, the fear...

...and then the Zoloft.

And now she's almost nine, and I'm fine, and when I can't find my pink shoes I go look in her room and there they are, even though they're two sizes too big (I know....she's going to be a tall one).

Thank you for this wonderful post. I can't imagine what having post birth depression would be like but I know any depression is pretty sad and difficult.

Keep writing. It is helping people.

Yay :D

I've been there, oh yes. I'm out the other side too by about a year, (eternally grateful)and feeling born again. Breakdowns always lead to breakthroughs in the end, and in many ways your breakdown was a blessing Heather, it led to the person you are now, it moulded you, made you better, stronger, better equipped to be the mother your daughter needs. You are the person who will help her have an awesome life and help her grow into a beautiful and happy woman.

That was absolutely beautiful. I'm 19 though, and I think my parents still aren't sure that they've "made it" — I should send them this post to reassure them that the time will come.

Rock on! What a wonderful post and message. I suffered from PDD, luckily my husband practically drove me to the doctor and dropped me off. Thank God for Prozac!
My son turns one in three days, and the way you described that "amusement park" feeling of anticipation-- that captures it so perfectly. I see infants all the time, and really, every time, I feel a sense of relief. Things are so much easier now, and so much fun.

Hope is always a good theme.

I couldn't agree more! I think back to those first days/months when I cried as much (if not more than) my colicy baby...especially when other moms came to visit me and i felt so inferior because they made it all look so natural and easy. The colic eventually subsided, I let go of my delusions of control, and we found our rhythm. That's certainly not to say that we don't have our rocky days still...especially when my head-strong, high-energy, spirited little girl is on her boundary-pushing expeditions. But now i am able to enjoy it all a little more and i know that each of those little moments...the crazy, the sweet, the profound...are the best moments i'll ever experience!!
Congratulations to you and other the other moms who've made it this far!!

A sense of humor does lead to a sense of hope. Thanks for this. I needed it.

Thank you. When my daughter was two months old, I had post natal depression. I was suicidal. My baby girl is one yesterday and although sometimes I still cry for no reason, things are much better. Thank you again, for letting me know that the best is yet to come. If I can somehow give you a hug, all the way from Hong Kong...

Just recently coming out from under the baby days, your words have perfect timing. My daughter is now making more sense and evcery day, I have a sense of loss when I let her go at daycare and that fleeting wish that I could be right there with her as she discovers all the newness that is so routine us grown ups.

I'm in that dark place now and I can't tell you how much I needed to read your words today. Your writing has had a profound effect on me and I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you, Heather. You are the best.

I did not suffer from PPD, but I also remember not having that initial connection with my first baby. It was a foreign and weird thing to have this little person that you are expected to love right when they come out. I think it always takes time until you get to know them that you really feel that connection. I love each of my kids more every day. Good for you for being so honest!

Hey, Dooce. I've dealt with depression myself some, and while I don't have any children yet, there's always that worry in my mind about PPD. I'm so lucky to have you as a great example of someone who fought this battle, survived, and is living well!

Thanks so much for sharing. It's hard sometimes in that position because I think we all assume at first, we are all alone. There are days with my now teenagers that I think I may go insane as well but then they do or say some amazing thing and it grounds me. I had a particularly bad day at work last week and came home to a card by my bed that said "You Are A Great Mom" they had made and signed.

It does indeed get much better...

Thanks so much and you are so right. I'm expecting our second child and this time I won't be blindsided by those first few months of postpartum anguish. David is three months younger than Leta and I love hearing your four-year-old stories!

How long does it take before they stop dumping entire bags of guacamole flavored chips on your bed? Or using sharpies to "endorse" your paycheck? She climbs, she can reach everything in this house. Ahhh!
I also can't wait until I can stop sweeping up pennies. I hate pennies, where do they come from? And don't tell me they add up, they don't add up to anything except a pain in the ass when you're sweeping $2.47 from underneath the recliner and out of the fireplace.
Thanks for letting me know I might come out alive.

thanks. really good timing.

And then they become a teenager and you think, "holy shit, I want my four-year-old back." But maybe that's just me.

love your humor and wonderful posts! thanks!

What a great post - I don't have children yet, but I am terrified of how difficult it looks from this side of things. Thanks for sharing your story.

Becky in St. Louis

Heather, Thank you! I was there - massive PPD. Thanks to a great doc and Prozac, I am a new woman.

More women need to talk about it - they are not alone, it does get better and you can get help. The less stigma, the better.

My daughter is 17. We're learning when we can be friends and when I have to be the mom. It isn't always easy but we're doing it and yeah...I'm going to miss her when she goes to college next year. Enjoy this time. Terrific post, Heather!

Thank you. My son is 10 months & a pretty easy kid, but I am so freaking exhausted right now; I felt sure I could die from this much tired. Your post did make me feel so much better. I was right here reading you 4 years ago and I am just so happy for you to read this post now.

i think i needed to read your story today. the last few weeks have found me at my wits end more than once...and my wits end is usually pretty ugly, with me thinking of all kinds of horrible endings for myself. it's not my daughter or her screaming that bring me to this place...it's her father and his lack of J-O-B. usually a "this too shall pass" moment helps me but lately, it's not workin. your story has helped. it will get better. i can do it. thank you heather.

I am not a mom yet but hopefully will be one day and your words are something I will keep in mind. Thank you for sharing, you're an inspiration to me with your honesty.

Heather,

I'm sure that after 3 days, there is little chance you'll ever even see this comment, but I couldn't NOT post it. I missed this one when it went up, because I was in the hospital battling demons of my own (and I'm doing much better thanks, to all those who rail against medications, they can kiss my skinny white tuckus... apologies for any unnecessary images that just brought about.)

I just wanted to say thank you for your courage in opening up in such a public way to help others. Seeing your courage, strength and success in facing your troubles and in reaching out to help others is very inspiring to me. I'm sure you'll never know just how many people you have helped, but I am one of them.

As the father of 2 beautiful kids (8 and 5), the first of which was an extremely challenging baby, I completely agree with your assessment of how things get better and the amusement park analogy hit the nail right on the head for me. I realize that the how and why of what you went through is very different than where I am at and how I got here, but your bravery and honesty and your willingness to share as a parent and just as a human being has and is, and I'm sure will continue, to help many, many people.

Thanks,
PK

I LOVE that you wrote this - I just posted about supporting our mentally ill friends, family and neighbors, and I am hoping that with role models like yourself to look to for reassurance, people can start being a bit more open and a little less ashamed about their struggles with the more complex, difficult dimensions of being human.

Thanks for everything you are!

My first child was born, happy and healthy in February of this year. I started reading your blog and the older posts while I was pregnant and they actually gave me hope. I was afraid of what having a child would do to my life and I was afraid of PPD. What I saw in your story was the strength to deal with whatever it is that comes along with having a child, having the strength to say "I need help". Thankfully I haven't needed anything more than seeing a therapist every other week. But it's very calming to hear that it will get better. And even in 6 months it's gotten better already--he's really becoming quite a joy.

Thank you, Heather.

Thank you. Reassurance that it gets better is what keeps me going.

I went through the awe stage with my 1st and thought that would be it, I'd done the baby thing and that was it. The cool thing was I went through it with my 2nd as well...then with my 3rd. I guess it doesn't matter how many you have, when you look in their eyes and see the person they are growing into, it just fills a part of your heart you never knew was empty.

Thank you, I needed to hear that today- I gave birth a week ago, and I am a mess. Well, that's an understatement.

But thanks...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's amazing that just when I'm feeling at my lowest, something can happen to bring me up again. Sometimes, my daughter will smile, or laugh, or just sit quietly in my arms. And sometimes she doesn't, and I read something like this, and it makes me feel like I can keep going.

About 500 people have said this before me, but thanks for writing this. It is exactly what I need to hear these days.

Thank you. I see all of the other mothers in playgroups and daycare fawning over their children at 2, 3 and 4 months old. I felt guilty dropping my son off at daycare 3 days a week and couldn't leave daycare fast enough. I felt even more guilty that the other parents stayed and lingered with the kids. Each month has gotten better, and I always loved looking back at your old newsletters to see what's coming up in a few more months and how the future, month by month gets better. My son's 7 months old now, and I'm starting to see it. But, we truly can't wait until he's four! Thank you.

After reading many of the comments, it's clear that I have nothing new to add. But this is a wonderful post. Thanks for writing.

This was one of your posts that gave me goosebumps. You really are an amazing writer and an inspiring woman. Thank you for sharing so many of the difficult times in your life so candidly, you are helping even more people than you know.

really? you promise?

its 4am and he's still not sleeping. its my husbands turn again. He's 14 months and I thought it would be better by now. I have thought about your post all night and at the moment, it feels way to good to be true. Your post brings hope, but sometimes its hard to see anything but what you are in at the moment.

Being a Southerner, I'm surprised to see only one other comment defending us from your blink-and-miss-it insult. (I realize I'm being a bit petty, what with the rest of the post being truly touching.) I'm not even sure how you came up with that. Perhaps by "that Southern," you mean white trash?

you are so awesome with this post; I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd when Arlise (our first) was 5 1/2 months old and I was just starting to feel semi-human a few hours a week. Although we wanted more kids and I was 43, so we weren't not trying, it was over the top scary to me. I so relate and Arlise just turned 3 (Guthrie will be 2 in October) and yes, it gets so much better; your description of the feeling, for me, was spot on. I feel so blessed to be so close in knowing my babies, so blessed to be aware enough to watch their take on life, and so dedicated to carving out a space for them to have as much joy with the simple things, great crazy joy-----I thank you for sharing.

jana