Heather,
Please pardon me for intruding into your personal life but when reading your most recent entry to Leta (which I think is a fabulous gift to her and so what if you count her age in months) it looked like the swingset you have is the kind that has the monkey bars over the swings and/or trapeze bar. Please, if this is the kind of swingset you have, I implore you to read this article

http://www.wsvn.com/features/articles/specialreport/MI67286/

You may remember a few years ago when a local news anchors son was killed on a backyard swingset. I know this anchorman (who has since moved to Florida) and this was the model of swingset that his died on. He has worked to have these swingsets recalled for the safety of all children. I hope this isn't the kind of swingset you have but I would be remiss if I didn't at least bring it to your attention, just in case.

Faithful reader & mom,
JN

That's beautiful Heather, I completely agree. I've always thought that many times the value of a gift is more in the attitude of the giver than of the recipient. It isn't our responsibility to police what others do with our acts of kindness, but it is our responsibility to remain human, to reach out and help when we see a need we can help to fill.

I usually act on instinct. Living in a big city leaves me a bit numb to the homeless, as terrible as it is to say. I know that they have places they can go and services they can use, and yet I also know that they are likely living with mental illnesses. So I am often torn.

A couple of weeks ago, I was walking down the street and a woman was sitting on the sidewalk, with a hat out for change. Initially I saw her and passed her by, then felt awful and went back to give her a couple of dollars.

I don't know what she'll use that money for, but I really felt compelled to give it to her, so I did.

This is a very touching story, I see my brother in the same light. He is my hero and I will always hold him high.

Also, I can never fight the urge to give money to the homeless or someone who is begging, even though I know they could very well spend it on something I wouldn't want them to. The idea that I could brighten someone's day, even a complete stranger makes me about as happy as I'm sure it does them.

Great thoughts.
I've struggled with these myself- do I act like I don't see the homeless man beside my car?

I used to buy an extra egg roll for lunch, in downtown DC, and give it to the homeless man of the week outside my building- sometimes they were grateful... sometimes thankless.

But we can't stop trying, you are right.

Whatsoever you do to the least of your brothers....

I guess I've never really thought it was my job to judge which of the homeless people would use my money wisely or waste it on beer(and maybe to some that's not a waste). To me it feels too much like playing God. If I give money to the homeless I give it to whoever I see, fairly, and without restraint. I do sometimes wonder if my money is going to good use but I also realize that the people that continue to give their money without question - in the hopes of bettering the circumstances of someone else - are the people that might possibly inspire a homeless person that might have otherwise spent his charity on booze to try a different path in life. And at the end of the day I always feel better knowing at least that I may have helped someone less fortunate than I.

I loved the story of your brother-- What a great example to you.
What I find funny about this story is that THIS IS PRECISELY why I am a firm believer in SMALLER government. It is not the duty of the Government to help the "less fortunate" out... it is OUR duty-- regardless of how the money is spent. Just think of how much different the world would be if people had a GENEROUS SPIRIT when it came to other human beings....

How ironic that you seem to share that same sentiment, yet have COMPLETELY opposite views in politics....

I swear to you my mom is the most miserly person in the world. But there was a homeless man who used to sleep behind the alley near her work and she would often give me two bucks and tell me to go buy him some Jack in the Box. I would ask her why she wouldn't just give him the money and instead of the expected answer (because he'd spend it on booze) she said to me, "Because he's homeless and I don't think the people behind the counter would serve him, let alone allow him to enter."

I have a lot of opinions about my mom, but THAT, that changed the way I look at her.

Thank you Heather,

The next time I'm surrounded by nay sayers who criticize my decision to give what I can to the hand that pleads for it, I'll remember this post and won't feel so alone.

Oh man, Heather, you just made me cry. That is a powerful story.

I've had a couple of similar encounters in my life. What it comes down to, for me, is that if I want to I live in a compassionate world, then I have to be a compassionate person. The only way that I can know for absolutely certain that I live in a world where people are willing to be generous with each other is if I strive to be generous myself.

God bless your brother.
What a priceless memory.

Hi Ho Silver!

Here's how I think of it: I'm giving a gift. What someone does with a gift after I give it is no concern of mine: there are no strings attached. If they choose to buy drugs, or alcohol, that's a shame, but it's still their choice, even if I prefer they don't. I make the choice whether or not I'm going to give that gift, but once I've given it, it's up to them what they choose to do with it. And yes, I do give to these unfortunates.

And I don't begrudge them a bottle of wine or a rock. If I lived out on the street in the conditions they do, I imagine I might want to do the same. One can argue that those are the reasons they're in that condition, and that's possible. But there are a whole host of other reasons as well, and if that wine makes the night on the street more passible, then so be it.

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

Having recently moved to a "Big City" from a "Small Town" I find that there are all sorts of people out there, and all sorts of suffering is apparent. I generally do not give money to people on the street who ask for it. However... here I sit with tears streaming down my face...

I am reconsidering the voice in my head that says "that guy's a Junkie, I'd only be feeding his habit". Who knows the truth? If I feel I have a spare bit of money, why not give it to someone who publicly expresses a need for it.

Thanks for your story, and the thinking.

I had an 'ah-ha' moment, too. It came maybe 7 years ago, when I was 19 or 20. I was driving home from my boyfriend's house and spotted a guy begging at an intersection -- not a new phenomenon in my town. He had the usual ragged clothes and 'Homeless - Hungry' sign, but he was different from the other guys on the corner. For one thing, he was only in his 20's. For another, he was black, which was unusual in my town. But the biggest difference was that he looked absolutely pained and ashamed to be out on the street corner holding a sign. The expression on his face was one that you'd expect from someone who'd just swallowed ground glass. He had clearly landed on that corner from a very great height and couldn't believe he was there. I felt for him. So I pulled up, handed him a five, and said "God bless you and I hope it gets better for you". I'm not religious, but if there is a God, I'd want him to bless that guy. He took it with a brief, tight smile.
The happy ending is that the very next week I saw the same guy washing cars at a gas station across the street with a group that rehabs the homeless. He had gotten help. It made me feel great to see it. I have no idea whether my five dollars made any difference or not, but maybe it did. Maybe it gave him the lift he needed to get out and get help.
So now I always give when I can, because who knows? Maybe the person I give to will be the next young homeless dude who just needs a tiny kick to get moving.

I'm torn on this post.

I could care less what a beggar does with my money. It's not about if they are truly struggling or not for me. Life is hard, unbelievably hard at times. I have been in debt, hated my job, hated my relationships; everything has in one shape or another hit rock bottom in my life. But I don't just up and leave. I don't just give up! Homelessness is a choice. Giving up is a choice. At one point in life most of these individuals were not on the streets. So you got fired, so your wife left you, so you went bankrupt. Your choices in life got you there, deal with it.

So do I have a problem with giving some change to a beggar? Yeah, I would say so. Last I checked, T-Mobile needs someone to hang outside their store location with a big sign offering 2 phones for the price of 1. Burger King needs someone to mop their floors. I could go on with the numerous minimum wage paying jobs that just need a body to fill the shoes. I work my ass off to live the life I do, if it was easy it wouldn't be called "work".

With all that said your story was touching and thought provoking. For all I know the man on the street that I just passed by, hasn't eaten for weeks. It's sad. So who am I to care if I give them money and they then spend it on crack? Because danget, that 10 bucks could have put some gas in my tank. Gas that allows me to arrive on time for school and work. That 10 bucks could have bought me lunch and dinner. I work 40 hours a week, five days a week and go to school full time. With that said I have chosen to have a car, wear nice clothing and have food in my refrigerator. Pay check to pay check I work my ass off to have the things that get me by.

Homelessness is a choice. Come mow my lawn if you want 10 bucks. Work.

But yet we have the topic of Charity. Without opening that can of worms, all I will say is, yes I believe in Charity. I would prefer to give my money to a foundation/Charity that I know is organized and structured on where gathered funds are deposited. Going to those that are truly without a doubt IN NEED.

I've always given money, when I can, and sometimes when I can't. I've been so poor and seen someone asking for money - and given away my last $5, because they have more need for it than I do. Even when I had no food in the house, and not a cent to scratch myself with, I always had friends and family who would help me out. When you have that, money isn't as important, and it becomes more important to care for those who don't have anyone to turn to.

Yay for Ranger, and everybody like him.

Thanks so much for this follow up. I thought a lot about this because I err on the side of charity when I have the opportunity. Having a toddler with me at all times I have taken to driving around with Costco sized boxes of granola bars, and if I don't have a dollar to spare I'll often hand them a bar. Most all of the time the person is genuinely appreciative. I figure I am helping someone else out, even in a very small way and at the same time teaching my child an important lesson about humanity that I hope he'll carry on.

I love this story

WOW, your brother Ranger sounds like a wonderful man - and I totally agree with your logic! Sometimes we, as human beings, have to reach out to others regardless of the circumstances - because, deep down, even the drug addict needs help and it could be our action that creates the miracle they needed. Much praise, your blog always keeps me thinking - and, usually, laughing!

Best. Post. Ever.

I love how last week when this was thought to be about welfare and crack addicts people wouldn't part with their hard earned money. And now Heather come's up with a sweet story about sharing and helping and everyone is saying how much they DO help and want to help.

I cried when I read this at work and then I cried when I read it again at home. Heather, thank you for sharing this - I look at them in a new light now.

I just have one question: how is it that you have siblings named 'September' and 'Ranger', yet the best your parents could come up with for you was 'Heather'? Not that 'Heather' isn't a perfectly fine name, it just doesn't get you on a soap opera.

Oh, and I think my heart grew three sizes reading your story. I think I love you, but not in a creepy stalker way.

I love this story, you never know what moment will touch someone when and in how many ways. I'll bet several faeries got their wings that moment.

And, hearing your brother's name made me smile hugely, being the name of a favorite mind candy novel character that I love.

I lived in Seattle for quite a while one charity? was hiring people in wheelchairs to sell roses on street corners. Problem was, it would drop these folks off and then make rounds with the van regardless of the trials of Seattle weather. When I noticed this one day I drove by and realized I could reach out and hand my umbrella I never used right out the window to the person. (once you've lived there for a while you give up on umbrellas) The fellow looked astounded and then lit up and just grinned and yelled and waved as he popped it up and gave me the thumbs up in the mirror.

After that I started collecting umbrellas in my car and handing them out the window whenever I could to whom ever seemed to need them whether it was the person in the chair or the woman sleeping against the wall. It was the strangest form of charity and possibly one of the most appreciated I'd ever participated in.

I realized after I moved I was still in the habit of collecting umbrellas and didn't have as many people to give them to and had about 20 in my car when I cleaned it out.

Beautiful story. How wonderful of your brother do that for that man. Hopefully it was used in a positive and not a negative way.

I come across these people a lot too where I live but usually it is inside a store somewhere where they are just walking around asking for money for something to eat. I was with my husband once and this happened where a kid wanted money because he had not eaten in days. I normally walk away or ignore them because I fear if I open my wallet or reach in my purse they'll grab it, try to scam or rob me, etc. Anyway, my husband said to the man, "No, I won't give you any money, but if you want I will buy you a sandwich so you can eat." I thought that was absolutely brillant. He has done that a couple of times since then. He's never been rejected but he has gotten some surprised looks before accepting. Just thought I'd share :)

I really loved that story about your brother.

My first reaction was to give the money and after reading your post today I think maybe that's the right way to go.
The honest reason that I often don't give money to the people I see on the street is that I don't have it. Usually I don't have any cash on me at all (my pay gets all used up to pay my bills).
So I donate my time when I can to Lifeline (www.lifeline.org.au). Do you have Lifeline in the US? It's a 24 hour telephone counselling service that offers crisis counselling and suicide intervention. Or we're just there if people need someone to talk to. And so many people don't have anyone to talk to but us.

Thanks for your posts Dooce. I loved today's. I also love your monthly newsletters to Leta. I don't understand why some people have a problem with you counting her age in months - I think it's beautiful that you write to her each month. It'll be so nice for her to read later.

Also I loved today's Daily Photo! Great to see Lou is still going strong :-)

This is exactly what I was thinking the other day. I was stopped on my way in to work by a man who wanted bus fare to the VA hospital. I said no and continued walking (toward the large academic medical center I work in). I stopped, got out some cash and turned around and followed the man back a block to catch up to him. I handed him more than enough bus fare. I have no idea what he did with the money, but the chance that he was a vet who had just been turned away by the prestigious hospital that employs me sickened me. If my few dollars could get him to the VA hospital that would help him I'd be a horrible person not to help him. If he took my money and bought booze, oh well. The alternative of being so hard of heart that I could pass him by and contribute to his not getting health care he needed was worth the risk.

What a great story. My husband and I have always tried to teach our daughters by example. So when ever we encoutered the less fortunate John would always give money to the person before he/she would ask. When our eldest was in her freshman year at college, she and a group of friends were walking around downtown Boston. She came across a man who asked her for money. She took her wallet out and gave him several dollar bills. He then attempted to grab her wallet but she was able to get her wallet and she ran off. I asked her what she had learned and she said," from now on I will keep some loose bills in my pocket so I won't need to take my wallet out". I was truly proud of her.

PS- I love your blog. Keep up the great work!

Several years ago, I walked by a homeless man panhandling. He asked for money, said he was $3 short of a cheap bottle. I gave him the money. For his honesty.

The way I see it, it's none of my business what they do with the money - who am I to judge what is a "legitimate" need and what isn't? I don't always give, because I don't have a lot of money myself, but when I can, I leave my building with $5 or sometimes $10 and give it to the first person I meet who's asking for it. No judgement. Some people tithe in church. I am not religious, but tithe in my neighbourhood.

When I studied Sociology in college one instructor said (and please remember this was a long time ago) if you give a poor family $20 they will blow it on soda pop, junk food and a Toni perm. They will buy coal and burn it all in one night because they have been so cold. But, she said, that doesn't mean you shouldn't give them the $20. Just give it and know that for one night they will have everything they want.
I don't know if that's right, but it's words I live by.

Thank you for sharing this incredible story. It was truly inspiring.

Heather, I agree with you completely. I cannot drive by someone without giving them money (especially if they have a dog with them -- that's the clincher!).

Very good topic; perhaps we can have more like this?

P.S. Love the new photos of Leta! She's so gorgeous!

About a year ago, I was asked to do an interview as part of an inspirational woman of the month series. The question was:

Tell us about a particularly memorable accomplishment.Tell us about a particularly memorable accomplishment.

and my answer:

I really don't like to pick "one" memorable accomplishment or moment. I think it puts a lot of pressure on ourselves to have to do something big. Each and every day I do my best to do things that will help others whether it is someone I know or a stranger on the street. This morning, I looked after my neighbour's daughter so she could go to her son's parent/teacher interview. Then a little later on, while I was waiting at a Tim Horton's drive-through, a woman tapped on my window. She was crying and obviously distressed. She told me she was at a woman's shelter for women who are leaving abusive situations and she needed $5.00. Yes, there was a part of me that thought she might be lying. But instead of sending her away, I gave her $20.00 and told her that when she was in a better position in her life, to pass the kindness along. If was all focus on doing small things and looking at those things as accomplishments, we would be living in a much better place.
_______

I"m in complete agreement with you - whenever I go against my gut instinct and do what I feel I should do - whenever I listen to my brain and not my heart - I regret it.

You might enjoy this column by Jon Carroll of the SF Chronicle...he does a version of this every December, called "The Untied Way" (not a typo!):

http://tinyurl.com/4wdkwx

Ranger sounds like a great guy who made a wonderful, lasting impression on his sister at a very impressionable age. I'm glad you had him as a role model.
I have a hard time handing cash to people begging on the street. I can't get past the idea that they will use it to further destroy their and/or their family's lives--and that I contributed to that destruction. Some say the 'comfort' of another drink or another hit is worth it. But where are they the next morning...in the same desperate situation, if not worse. Instead, I suggest they visit the soup kitchen where I volunteer. I help deliver Meals on Wheels. I adopt a needy family during the holidays and gift them with warm clothes and food. I donate directly to people in legitimate need who I read about in the local newspaper or hear about through colleagues and friends. I believe in helping others, but I put in the time to make sure that my help will make their lives better instead of contributing to their misery.

Thank you.

Yes.

Thanks for the reminder.

That was not at all what I thought you meant by your original post. I had actually been applying it to politics all week and sharing it with some of my friends, because I thought it was an interesting perspective to take. Obviously it's a great concept that can be applied to many different situations.

Beautiful story.

This is why I love visiting your website. You are not only funny as hell, but insightful.

Certainly I don't give away money to every needy person I come across.. I am not sure what makes people pick and choose who they give to. Once I was in NYC on St. Marks Place and a man walked up to me and a friend of mine. He got right up close to me, didn't look particularly down on his luck or anything, but he said: "I'll give you a joke or a song, cause I don't want to just take a dollar from you for nothing."

We chose a song, and he sang "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" through the first two verses, and we gave him ten dollars, and it is still to this day my favorite New York City moment.

Your whole family is awesome :-)

I've always considered giving panhandlers money a form of harm reduction. If you don't want to give someone money because they might use it for drugs, think again. If they have an addiction, they WILL get that money. Be it through prostitution, breaking into someone's house, beating someone up for their money. If you have it, and would willingly give it if you knew they'd spend it on something 'good', for goodness sake GIVE THEM THE MONEY! It'll prevent them from doing something more dangerous to themselves or others to get it.

Absolutely.

I, too, grew up with parents who taught me to never give money to a beggar/homeless man. If I was to give anything, it needed to be something like food so that person could not take my hard-earned cash to perpetuate his alcoholism or meth habit.

Then I met my husband who taught me it's not my responsibility to assume how a person will use charity. It's just my responsiilty to treat a person the way I'd like to be treated, to always give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Thank you for this story. I will definitely share with friends and family and link to it on my blog.

That was truly beautiful and a wonderful insight- I hope perhaps one day I can leave a twenty for someone who can surely use it more than I- for whatever need be

Wow. You got me to delurk. I absolutely agree with you and your brother. And I'll go a step further and say that our government has nothing to do with it because if each and every one of us gave, not when we felt guilty, but when we knew in our hearts we should, we would not need the government to bail anyone out of anything. We would take care of each other the way we were intended to do.

And it's not too overwhelming a burden because it's not always the right time. Each one of us knows when it's the right time.

Thinking about this and it's just occurred to me that I'd hate to have someone scrutinize every dollar I spend. I don't spend money on crack--thank God--but I certainly don't spend it all wisely. So if I am to give some away, who am I to judge if the recipient uses it the way I'd like them to? thanks for prompting the thoughts.

Wonderful story, Heather. I know there's a man who begs on a busy street near out home and I've caught myself justifying why it's OK to look away. I mean really, with all the crap we blow our money on every week it wouldn't kill us to give some of it away to someone who may need it more than us. Thanks for the reminder.

OMFG Heather... I once had a talk with my pastor about this very same sort of thing. He said that he never gives money to people who are holding signs saying they need money for food. He takes them to get something to eat, instead. I asked him why he did that, and he said, "Well, that way they can't spend the money on booze or drugs."

I said to him, "Well, I feel that God is telling me to give the person the money, and they will have to answer to God for what they actually DO with the money. I think we need to leave the results to God."

Don't let people tell you that you can't teach ministers anything. It's not true. Sometimes God uses other people to help us learn the lessons we must learn.

My minister learned to leave the results to God.

Yes, I would give the money. Mainly because I leave the results to God, but I won't shove God down anyone's throat, either.
.

THIS. This is why I read Dooce every day.
Thank You!

Hi Heather,
Thanks for posting this story. I work at a free clinic and many of our clients are homeless. I think it's really important that people understand that anyone can become homeless-- and in the majority of cases, people don't become homeless because of substance abuse problems or mental illness. They fall on bad times. They lose their jobs and can't find new work, despite searching for it like crazy, and can no longer afford rent. They are trying to support children and take care of their families. They are pushed into bankruptcy by medical bills. They leave home to escape domestic violence and have nowhere to go. There is no real safety net in this country, and I think that's a travesty. I don't have much money to give, but I try to give when I can. I give by volunteering, and I give money to programs that provide outreach for the homeless in my community. I really believe that we need stronger social programs in this country, and we need to start treating disenfranchised groups like actual people. I think we tend to forget that the homeless are people who have real lives and real problems and real opinions and real rights. They are people just like us. They are our neighbors and our mothers and our brothers and our children.

Thank you for your story. The resulting comments I had the pleasure of reading gave me so many ideas on how I could help people. I don't often give money since I don't often have any but I like to help if I'm asked. There's a reason for it if somebody asks and you hear.
There was a guy about a month ago at Union Station in L.A. (while my boyfriend and I were hanging out and complaining how ridiculous it was that the cost went up from $3 to $5 for a day pass) who asked if we had $2 for a ticket because he only had $3. We both understood...I didn't have $2 but I gave him all my pocket change. We're both poor college students so we understand, and someday we may need "$2" for something we're not prepared for. I'd hate for somebody to judge how I'm going to spend that money, so I don't question how others will spend spare change.
Tomorrow after my classes I'm going to Target and buying water, granola bars, vitamins, beef jerky, socks, underwear and clearance rack items, stuffing them in a giant bag and keeping it in the back seat of my car...just in case.

you rock

Given the number of comments on this page, I doubt you'll get to mine, but if you do...
I wish your question had been been directed along the lines of your story, because on the same day you asked it, I reaffirmed a very similar sentiment. I'd been walking through the parking lot to lunch when I was stopped by a man asking for money. He had a long, drawn-out story about why he needed gas money. I have no idea whether he was telling the truth or simply conning me. I ended up giving him a $10 (I didn't have anything smaller), and deciding that it didn't matter to me -- I'd rather risk being conned than turn away someone in genuine need. Since I can't know which it is, I will always err on the side of sharing, if I have the money to give. (I don't always have the money, but on the day of this incident I'd just picked up a trashy novel to read during my fast-food lunch, and it was clear in my mind that I wasn't exactly using my own money for the most noble of purposes.) All of this is a very long way of saying that I appreciated hearing that I am not alone.

Dude. Totally. Last winter anytime I had a few extra bucks and it was super cold out I walked downtown to the plaza in Santa Fe and bought coffees for all the guys that hang out on the mall. It was nothing in the large scope of things but I felt like taking the edge off the freezing ass cold day and showing some compassion for their situation was something. Plus a lot of the people I met doing it were really great to talk with. Strong but battered souls. It could happen to any of us.

Bravo for bringing this topic to the table.

Thank you for this story. I am a long time reader/lurker, but I had to thank you for this, probably because I'm missing my family especially today, but it's amazing what an impact we have on each other, and I think we take it for granted.

I responded to the question that I absolutely would give the money. And this hasn't changed. But now, now I'm sitting here in my bed crying about the beauty of generosity.

I bought two bags of genips this afternoon from a street vendor. I told the man to keep the change even though I can't really afford to be buying luxury fruits. He said, "bless you."

Then, when I got to school I shared one bag around the room. Nearly half the class had never heard of this fruit, and we live in Miami. It grows here, like the mangoes and the carambola.

They were all, every one of them, surprised that someone would share something so awesome. But I kept wondering what good it could possibly do me to hold it back.

I'm glad I'm not alone.

I was very surprised that initially, even without your opinion on the matter, there seemed to be a lot of emotions running high! I tend to go into answering any type of question giving my honest yet collected answer, but many people actually started to seem upset just at the topic (whether they disagreed or not).

I'm not saying that feeling strong about a particular subject is wrong, by any means, all I'm saying is that using those emtions run high as a resposne to the original posters opinion rather than by the question itself!

That's a good reason. My dad was addicted to cocaine when I was growing up. And you would never know it by looking at him or speaking to him. He has 7 kids and my mom stayed at home with us. I only learned later in life he had this addiction which he finally broke when I was about 13. We had food...barely, what we did without were new clothes and such. I remember once our Church (that you are so disrespectful towards)donated a box of food to us and my dad was so embarrassed...way too proud. But he told me later that it woke him up and he finally kicked the habit for good. I am so grateful we got that box of food, not money.

I cannot count the times that the kindness and generosity of strangers or near-strangers has saved me.

God bless your brother Heather. And you.

That is wonderful.

What an inspirational story. Isn't it funny how people who have had a profound impact on who we are seldom are aware of the impact of their words or actions. I didn't have time to read all of the 400+ comments, so I hope I am not being repetitive. I always hesitate to give money to people who ask because I am terrified that the money I give them will buy them the liquor/drugs that will kill them. I was told by our local homeless shelter to please not give directly, but rather give to the shelters who provide food,etc. I try to live by that. I also like the comments from people who give food instead of money. I have a hard time with this issue when travelling/vacationing though, because never is it more obvious how fortunate we are then when you see mothers with babies they can not feed. And life is really not fair that way. Beautiful blog Heather--and how many people did you impact with this?

That was really amazing. Really, that attitude is the entire essence of Christ's message - a message that so frequently gets lost amidst legalistic hogwash. If everyone in the world was as kind-hearted as you, imagine how much better things would be.

God will bless you for your good intentions no matter what the recipient does with your gift. :o)

When I worked in Boston, each day I passed a gentleman on the way to the train. He was always very quiet and would whisper 'thank you' to anyone who would pass him a few bucks. When I could give, I never forgot the look of gratitude, mixed with shame and exhaustion. I hope and pray that my children never, ever have to feel that. I think the sick feeling of ignoring someone in need sticks with you longer than the thought of 'what if I've been had?'

[Years ago, the city ran a program where people could buy meal tickets from a local organization. If you were worried about giving someone cash, you could hand them a coupon for a free, hot lunch. I liked the idea, but sadly, I think that it just did not get support.]

I have a brother-in-law that I have frequently butted heads with...due to the fact that he seems to belive that if you are not currently on the path to the Celestial Kingdom, you may as well be non-existent so as not to distract him from his journey. I believed this about him for almost 6 years when I had a similiar experience that changed my view of him.

When I moved to Provo for college, I tried to avoid one-on-one interaction with him at any cost. As luck would have it, I needed to be picked up from the airport and he was the only one available to do it. We were at a stoplight in Provo and a familiar homeless man knocked on the window asking for money. As it was, I was a poor college student and he was a poor college student married to a poor college student trying to support a toddler. We had no cash on us.

As we pulled away, all I could think were the negative things my father always said about giving money to beggars and how we never knew what they would do with it. I made mention of this to my brother-in-law, who turned into the McDonald's parking lot. Now, my sister, who somehow has the energy to work out at 5:30 every morning, work full time, attend college, care for a toddler, keep house, and make almost gourmet meals every night, has very strong feelings about the evils of fast food...especially McDonald's. Accoding to her, the purchasing of Big Macs tears apart families. I thought about all the ways that I could break the news to my sister as her husband ordered 2 Big Macs, Fries, sodas and asked me what I wanted. I ordered nothing and was puzzled when, after we got the food, we turned out of the parking lot and AWAY from our homes.

We went back to the corner where we familiar corner with the familiar beggar, found a parking spot, and got out of the car. My brother-in-law, who I had never seen in a selfless light, sat down, opened the bag, and ate with a man I had looked down upon helping. Apparently this happened at least twice a week...

I learned that not only did I misjudge the beggar, I misjudged my brother-in-law's intentions. This has been the single most selfless experience of my life, and I have tried to emulate this example as often as possible.

WOW Heather,

Great post! Year ago, back in the early nineties, I had a minor tiff with my husband. I left the apartment in a huff the next morning to attend yoga class and stopped at the local grocery store. If front I saw a man, kinda disheveled, asking for spare change. I gave him twenty dollars mainly because I was still huffy about my tiff with the husband. I was surprised at his absolutely grateful response. He let me know that I made his day.

What a beautiful story to end my day with. Thank you, Heather. I'm a cynic after living in San Francisco for eleven years - I hate giving money to people on the street. But I still find myself giving a dollar here and there, despite myself. On several occasions, I tell the person to follow me and we go into the nearest cafe and I let them order their choice of sandwich or soup or both or whatever strikes their fancy that day. And I pay for the meal and leave them to enjoy it in solitude. On those occasions, I delight in how good it makes me feel. Charity is so good for the soul.

What a beautiful story! I love your brother already! :) And, I completely agree with you. I do have the thoughts of what they'll do with the money, but it better to err on the side of compassion.

I love having my siblings too. It is nice now that we all live close to one another in the same area. Heather it explains everything now why you have this blog- you grew up in a family with a RANGER and a SEPTEMBER??? Wow- it would have been too odd for you to be a doctor or librarian.
check out www.puppiesandworms.com they have some great things on pet adoption with IAMS right now

That is a very touching story about your brother and the rose seller. You clearly picked a good hero.

I live pretty hand to mouth myself, but I make a point -that unless they look dangerous- to go and give a few bucks to anyone who asks, or if I have food- I give them that. You know that feeling when you're having a bad day & you think, "I need a drink!" Imagine how hard every day must be when you're homeless & imagine not even being able to afford a drink. It seems to me if anyone could use a cocktail it's someone out on the street. (Yes, believe me, I know how serious a problem alcoholism is- another topic entirely.) Ideally, it would be wonderful if they could put the money toward food, shelter, getting ahead, but their situation is far from ideal. Certainly, I have my opinions on the best uses for money, but it is not my place to decide that for everyone else.

This afternoon I saw a woman as I was leaving a parking lot dressed in dirty clothes with a big old shepherd mix at her side holding a piece of cardboard that read, "anything will help." So, I looped back around to give her some money. Aside from her dirty clothes- once I got closer I thought that she didn't look too bad for being homeless. Then I wondered if she wasn't one of those people that we're all warned about that are making $100,000 a year tax free by panhandling. I wouldn't want to stand anywhere in dirty clothes (or even clean clothes) begging -even if I made a bazillion dollars a year.

Ultimately, what I decided when I started really giving money to people on the street was that my policy would be this: I'd rather give five bucks to someone who doesn't need it than not give five bucks to someone who does.

If you're uncomfortable giving money like that, but want do something- you could make a donation to your local soup kitchen and/or homeless shelter, or volunteer. I know a woman who spent a day with her boyfriend making up care packages each with a sandwich, a snack, a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a clean shirt in them. Then they headed downtown & gave them out to any of the homeless people who wanted one. It is a big world -there are many ways to help :)

Heather, this is along the same line as that cab driver's story where he would have never know the misdeeds he had done if he had ordinarily just honked and drove away instead of taking the time to knock on the door and be faced with a very poignant and yet beautiful moment of life and death. The sad truth is most of us act as if our actions are inconsequential to others, when the truth is we are so commonly unaware we affect others positively and negatively all the time.

Yeah, I can get behind that. I pulled my arse up by the bootstraps, and got where I am because a couple of people helped me at the right time.

Not much, not really enough to make the material difference - but enough to give me the strength to grab reality by the bollocks and hoist myself up by it.

Now I run a successful 3D animation company. Go figure.

Thank you for reminding me that being charitable means giving from the heart, without any agenda, and that includes worrying about what the people you're giving to will do with your money. If you're going to call yourself a generous person, then you need to not try to control (or even care) where the money goes because once you give it, it's no longer any of your business and you have to trust that in the long run the money will be used for some greater good.

Here in Paris there are many people sitting on the sidewalks and in the subway every day with cup or a bowl or their hand out. Most of the time I pass them by because in my head I'm thinking: Oh it's probably a scam, they could work but they're too lazy, that guy's just a drunk and he's only going to get drunker if I pay him, blah blah blah. 9 times out of 10 I've got plenty of "good reasons" NOT to give. But you've given me more to think about and next time I won't analyze it so much -- I'll just give because even though money is a little tight for my family right now, we have a roof over our heads, clean clothes on our backs and decent food on our table, and we're much better off than someone who may be starving or may even be buying drugs with my money the moment my back is turned. They're still human beings and it's not my place to question where the money goes.

I completely agree with you. I live in London, and there are so many homeless people here. I don't know whether the problem is worse here than in other cities in the UK and in America, but from my experience it certainly looks like it. When I first moved here aged 19, I had very little experience of homeless people, having grown up in the countryside where they were pretty rare. I was pretty well off that first year, and would give money whenever asked. I once asked a man at a train station to wait for me, went to the cash machine and got out £100 to give to him. I didn't really care what he did with it, I just thought that if for that one day he was completely happy because someone had done something nice for him, it was worth it. I do give money to Shelter, the largest charity for the homeless here, but I also still give money and/or buy food for homeless people on my street. It's none of my business what they do with it. I live in a lovely, warm flat, eat nice food every day, and they have nothing. As your brother said, they need it so much more than I do.
Also, I think Londoners generally have a really good attitude towards homeless people - most people will give away change when they have it, at least a couple of times a week, and it's very common to see people sitting on the street talking to homeless people, which I think must make a real difference, to be treated like a human being.

Thank you. You have echoed every sentiment of mine and reading these comments it cheers me to know there are still many, many people out there who want to help.

I've always been amazed at the views of people who say 'they might use that money to buy something harmful' - well guess what; there are plenty of affluent, working people who choose to spend their money on harmful things or activities, some more serious than others. Not many of us are so pure we can be in a position to judge. I can only offer help as much as I can, and if a person looks like they really need money and I have some to spare, then they can have it with pleasure.

I used to pass by an old homeless man with a lovely little terrier dog almost every night on my way home from work, fresh from college. He'd be in the same place, every day, sober and coherent and pleasant to speak to. I never once saw him with alcohol. If he was in any way drunk or high then it wasn't apparent, but I would give him money every day I could afford to and chat to him a little. His concern was always for the dog - she was his only companion and 'looked after him' he said. The dog was dirty, but lively and well-fed, and always wrapped up in a little blanket even when he himself was left cold. Scores of people passed him by without even a second glance, and those who made eye contact did so only with the dog!

He told me his name was Robert, that he'd done 'some stupid things' and made mistakes in his life and that was how he ended up there. He told me to look after myself and live a good life. I didn't really know what to say - what could I say? I couldn't help but think that he was somebody's father, son, grandfather - but at his age what chance does he stand of getting a job, pulling himself out of that?? :-( In the winter he was sleeping at a local homeless hostel for the nights, so he was getting basic care at least. I made a promise to myself that if I won the lottery or something, I would get some money for him and find somewhere good, clean and healthy to take care of him - if such a place exists locally, I don't know. I felt bad because I was only making just enough money to spare him a few measly pounds a week.

A few months later he stopped appearing, and I always wondered what happened. More than likely the poor guy died, and that thought haunts me still...could I have done something more? Was there any place I could have found for him to stay? Did he die alone?

I pass by that same street every once in a while, and without fail I always remember him and half expect to see him and the dog there...thanks for your story, and thank you for jogging my memory about him, and also about my attitude to homeless people in general. I always try to spare some cash but it's not always possible, and I will ALWAYS show them the basic common decency of looking them in the eye and not just passing by ignorantly or ashamedly.

I've just checked out the Big Issue Foundation in the UK http://www.bigissue.org.uk/cgi-bin/foundation/index.html and will do my best to help out.

Just one little post Heather, and you've probably inspired a hundred people to go out and do something - I think it's amazing :-D

Beautiful story. I hope Ranger reads it! I'm the oldest of six, so never had a big brother, but he sounds like a great one to have.

For the people who are asking about the names Ranger and September, I was sure I'd seen that somewhere else on the site - a search turned up the daily post here.

#176, Cee - honestly, what's your problem? If you don't enjoy reading the blog, then don't. Go spew bile somewhere else. Also - and Heather, I don't mean this in an offensive way at all! - someone who regularly writes on their blog about farting, sex, health and poop, allows their daughter to say Bad Words in the house, and chases sheep and slaps their asses seems far from 'upper class'. Pure awesomeness.

Hi Heather,

Thank you for this. Was stopped at a big intersection with my five year old in the back. There was one of those guys with a "will work for food" signs, and my son spent a long time staring at him. I told him that he'd lost his job and wanted someone to give him work so he can make money. "Why did he lose his job?" And I went into some explanation about how some people aren't as fortunate as we are with a good job that buys enough food, gives us a nice home, school, etc.

And then the light turned green. And I drove. And I didn't give that man a few bucks. And I feel awful about it. Awful because he needed it (most likely for alcohol, but he NEEDED that) and because I missed the opportunity to show my son that kindness is something we should all practice. And I feel like a heel.

So, I used to give to people like that. Somewhere along the way (despite the fact that I'm much better off now than I was) I stopped.

I'm going to start again.

Well I could draw a metaphor here. Bail out AIG or help the homeless? The choice is clear.
But of all the posts you've written, this is one of my favorites for it's honesty and down home writing. ;)

Heather,

My brother Doug does a play in people's living rooms called "The Fever", written by Wally Shawn. The play is a 90 minute monologue about a man who wakes up sick in a 3rd world country and starts to think about his life, and why he has what he has and why others do not. The gist of of it is that we are lucky, fortunate, call it what you will to have been born in this time, this place, to this economic class to the families we live with. We don't deserve this or earn it any more than someone who was born in poverty in a place where there is genocide or poor economic growth or sickness in their families. The world is full of inequities. He talks about seeing a beggar on a street and considering how much of his money to give that person, and then wondering why he just doesn't give that person ALL of his money--how much is enough? Why does he have the right to parcel it out? How did he earn that right? By nature of being born wealthy in NYC? So why not give him hundreds, even thousands of dollars?

And so on. It's a great play; very though provoking and speaks to what you wrote in this last post. Actors perform this play in living rooms across the country; if you're interested I encourage you and your readers to invite some friends over and hear it; usually the actor conducts a discussion afterward. I saw it 3 years ago and still think about it. In these times of economic hardship--well, what is hardship for me might be comfort for someone else. I'm afraid people will give less in these times, when in fact those who truly need the money for survival will need it more than ever.

Heather, I don't get emotional very often, but this story has me all choked up. My original response to your question was, sure, I'd give the money. At the end of the day, we're all just humans trying to do our thing. Who am I to judge?

But my reaction to your explanation is related more to the importance of sibling relationships. I'm the oldest of four and I sometimes forget how my actions might have an impact on my siblings. I was always told that I needed to set a good example for my sister and brothers. I resented and resisted this growing up, but as an adult, I see how much it matters. I tip my hat to you and your brother. You're classy folk. Thanks for sharing!

I'm not sure what this story has to do with your hypothetical question, or why your brother has suddenly achieved sainthood with your readership for once giving a homeless man twenty bucks he could more than afford to part with.

The thing that really disgusts me about the tears and mutual back-patting that's taken place here is that you've all turned these people's lives into anecdotes that mainly serve to make you feel better about yourselves. Your homeless man's own story didn't just end on a happy note because your brother dished out some cash - the truth is, he probably continued to suffer and then one day died homeless, but hey, whatever, Ranger's a hero and we can all have a good cry at our desks now.

The question isn't whether or not you'd give a homeless man money based on what you think he'd do with it - it's whether or not you're actually giving something when, through telling about it, you are getting something in return. An act of giving is only charitable when it transpires privately between the individuals involved, no recognition required, but I'm not sure that altruism is something your readers would understand. You may not either.

wow - I needed to hear that. Living in DC, it's easy to ignore the panhandlers because you see so many in the same spot, day after day. It reminded me of one late night when my husband and I were returning from picking up take-out food. We walked past a man on the street who was obviously in need as he was rummaging through the garbage looking for something to eat. We walked over and tried to give him our food, assuring him that it was good. He wouldn't take it. It broke my heart.

great post. reminded of a story of a friend who had the same quandary. she passed a homeless woman every day in Penn Station who begged for money for food. to solve the issue of where the money would go, she decided to commit herself to bringing the woman a sandwich everyday. the woman took the sandwich and was very grateful.

after a couple of weeks she made a request for a different kind of sandwich. quite bold, but at the same time it strengthened the bond between the two. my friend was touched that the woman was comfortable enough at this point to be able to ask.

These are the kinds of experiences I want to provide for my daughter. This is the kind of thing that I believe makes it so wonderful to be alive. You made me cry at work.

This was a truly lovely piece. I was touched a reminded, as I often am, that it's important to keep putting my faith in others and trusting that being good to my fellow humans is always the right thing to do.

How lovely.

Hey Heather...

This is my first comment on your site, ever. Despite the fact that I've been a reader for two years (and an employee at Kensington books). And I apologize if someone else already wrote something similar...I can't read all 500 comments prior to going to work today!

I live in New York City. I can't ride the subway for ten blocks without hearing at least one sob story. Usually the person is shaking and obviously needing his/her next fix. I very rarely give money...but I will always give food. I will give up my leftovers, buy a bag of dog food if there's a pooch sitting next to them. One time, I was eating a pretzel while walking and I literally ripped off half of it for the person begging. And if they're only looking for drug money, they walk away from me pissed off. If they're actually starving they of course take it.

I don't have a lot of money to spare. I'm lucky enough to have a job, but unfortunately expenses take over and after paying my astronomical rent I'm left with very little. So I want to make sure that my penny, which I have worked long and hard for, is not paying for something I am so strongly against.

Beautiful story, Heather.

Here's a tip. Keep some gift certificates to a restaurant on hand. You'll never have to worry about them buying booze with your charity again.

As a nonprofit employee may I suggest to Heather and her readers... extend your good will and volunteer! There are so many wonderful services that provide food, shelter and educational services for free to the needy. Volunteers are in great need and volunteerism is an American value that we can be proud of. And it is a wonderful way to get to know a community/ communities that may be new to you or that you may not understand.

I find it somewhat comical that now people are claiming to be charitable.... Here's something to think about- is compassion really giving money to the poor to perpetuate the cycle? Granted when you give to someone on the street you may not always think about the fact that you are supporting a rapist, a druggie, a felon. I live in Austin where being homeless is a way of life. Being the person I am I have taken time to talk to some of these people because I do feel bad for their predicaments and want to know their story. I found that many of these people choose to be homeless- they like it. I also found that many people don't want to get off drugs so they can get the help they need.I also spoke to many who make upwards of 500 a week off everyones charitable compassionate donations. 500$ a week?!?? Yes that's more than I make a week at my taxed corporate professional job. So there is some perspective for you. That's why I spend my time being compassionate towards another part of society who I feel is better in need of me. I've volunteered my time driving the blind to the doctor, spending time with the elderly and mentoring the poor kids who need a friend and role model because they don't have parents who care. There are all kinds of ways to be compassionate .

Thank you.

I will always wonder that in the land of plenty, why does our country allow this to happen? No one should ever be homeless, whether it's because of drugs, stupidity, or the economy. I will never phathom why the government abandons them and expects good people to do what we can to help.

It doesn't seem right that CEOs make $90 million + $90 million in bonuses and a swank retirement yet if they let go of one of their employees due to downsizing, homelessness can be a reality for them.

It's sick.

i agree with you.

You're brother sounds amazing!
Wish I could say I'd be as compassionate as him on a regular basis. Working in the city and rushing passed a lot of homeless people I tend to turn a blind eye to them but you put a new perspective to it. I'm glad you did. I definitely will take the time to slow down and give what I can today. Paying it forward!

You make a great point.
Thanks for that.

A streak of bad luck and it could be you on that corner, right?

Beautiful story. Your brother is exactly the kind of example we should all set for our children and for each other.

Thank you for this post. I completely agree with you and I'm so glad you wrote this.

Wonderful story and you are so lucky to have such a wonderful brother. I will make sure to think twice before I pass the person on the corner.

thanks for sharing that, heather. i had a similar experience to that when i was in college and i'll never forget it. i completely agree with that way of giving.

I've never given my money freely. I work hard for it, so why should I just give it away. What I have done, is asked a homeless person to do something for me. Some have written poems and some have sung songs to me. It's a beautiful thing to see the accomplished look on a person's face when they actually earn the money. What they do with the money at that point is not my business. They have earned it, it belongs to them. If a homeless guy wants to go out and get drunk, who am I to say no to him? What else has he got going for him that day?

I live in a really nice college town with a beautiful downtown that houses some cool bars. You have to smoke outside in our town. These facts add up to two things: getting hit up for smokes all the time, and seeing lots of homeless people.

Our town collects "travellers" (who are sort of homeless on purpose, if you will), and true-blue down on their luck types. I think our amount of homeless and "crazy" is inordinate for the size of our town, and I always thought it was because our town was extra friendly to these people, so they were attracted to us. Now, I'm not so sure I understand why. Of late, I have seen more rudeness and selfishness on the parts of my fellow townspeople than I ever have before. I suppose it could be that they are panicked for their own hides in this financial climate and aren't in the mood to share. I get that, sort of.

But to hear snarly comments like "he'll just get drunk on it" or "get a job" etc. embarrasses me and shames our town.

As I have always said, "I feel like I need a drink after a long day of work. Imagine how I'd feel after a long month of NO work."

Heather

Thank you for sharing and thank your Brother for his act of generosity. In these troubling times it's easy to become greedy and hold our last few dollars close to our chests because we're scared of what's to come. Who can blame us too? But there are always people harder up than us and I know if I gave my supper money to someone tonight that I would be able to find food in my home (even if it was an unconventional snack!!). Others don't have that luxury. Thank you for reminding me, I will make sure I pass it on too. The interesting thing is that not only did your brother feed that poor man and maybe afford him some warmth on that day but that in that act of kindness he fed lots more mouths because you took his example. And in your sharing that sentiment and act with everyone else more people will be fed and warm tonight.

Would I give money to feed someone? In a heartbeat. No questions asked and thanks to your thought provoking entry, more will now too. Kindness can be catching!!

~Nate.

I read this post yesterday and found it a good reminder to follow what my heart already tells me to do.

Then, on my way home from work, I see this young man walking down the interstate - not exactly the best place to hitch a ride especially since traffic is steadily marching at 60mph. I remembered your post and I remembered everything God has given me and I turned around. It was a hell of a turnaround and on the way back, I thought, "Are you crazy? You're just a small 26-year old girl! He could be crazy! What are you going to do then??? You could DIE!" I decided that if it was meant to be, he'd still be walking by the time I made the long way back. And it was meant to be.

I waved him over and he smiled a snaggle-toothed smile and said he was heading to Dallas which was forty miles away. I gave him the quick look over as if I could turn him down now. I said I could take him down the interstate but not all the way downtown. He eagerly accepted.

My plans were shattered as I listened to his story. Only 20 years old, he was making the trek from Colorado to Houston, Texas before his wife has surgery Saturday morning. His parents died five years before, mother overdosed, father mysteriously died, and he's had his own run in with the law and abuse. This was not his first time to hitchhike and finds most people quite kind to hitchhikers as himself. With blisters on his feet and hundreds of miles to go, he just wanted to fulfill his promise to his wife that he would be there for her.

I ended up taking him downtown, thirty miles further than I had anticipated, thirty miles away from my house. I told him to take as many water bottles as he could and gave him my leftover sandwich. He graciously accepted and as he hopped out of my car, gave me a "God bless you!" and left.

As I headed back north, I saw the most beautiful sunset and knew that as much as I gave to the hitchhiker, he gave me just as much.

Thanks for sharing your moment and spurring on mine.

Heather,

After a hard week, you've reminded me why I do what I do. Thank you.

Thanks for sharing this great story and your feelings about it all, even to this day.

I'm sorry - I have to comment on the previous post "multi room installation". No commenting was availabe and I couldn't resist. I totally thought you were gonna lead into how the "technique" is working on Leta. I laughed at my own thought of that for a good 10 minutes. Because seriously - SOME KIDS NEED A TECHNIQUE.

That's an amazing story. Thanks for sharing.

to number 459:

seriously, what is your problem?
of course the homeless problem didnt end at the moment ranger gave the man some money. but maybe he was a little better off for a while and ranger did what he thought was right. why turn that into something awful and ugly by grumbling about it?

and yes, the act of giving is best when kept private, but the comments on this post have not only come from back patters, but people who were on the other end--the receivers. plus, i see nothing wrong with talking about a good deed if it motivates others to do good deeds of their own. which, frankly, seems to be what a lot of folks took from this post.

You know what's almost as good as this story? The huge amount of comments here, people pouring out their own heart felt appreciation for having read this piece, for having a new perspective on this issue. Heather, in small but significant ways you are making people think twice, sometimes reminding them of things they already knew, and often in the end, changing them. That's no small feat.

You, and this blog? Important.

Heather,

First, I'd like to thank you for learning from your brother's kindness and following his example. By teaching you a lesson that's stayed so close to your heart, Ranger has given far more than $18.

I'd like to offer you a story about my dad, one that I don't tell frequently but it's also close to my heart.

When I had my first internship after my freshman year of
college, I would pass a man in a wheelchair every day during my commute. Because the drive was more than an hour each way, and I made only enough money to pay to get to and from my job, I didn't have anything to give him. He held a sign that said he was a veteran and that he was hungry.

So one day while I was making a lunch for myself, I made a second for him. And as I pulled up to the stop light on the corner where he sat, I rolled down the window and handed him the lunch. "God Bless," he told me. He was so grateful that tears welled up in his eyes. I knew that he was genuine, and that all he needed was help. I looked him in his eyes, wondering when it was that he last made eye contact with another person. "You're welcome," I said as I drove away.

The next day I did the same thing, made a second lunch and passed it through the window. I never knew his name, he just called me "pretty girl," and our only interaction was for those few seconds each morning for that whole summer.

One morning I'd slept in too late, and my dad came rushing into my room to wake me. I flew to the shower and sped through my morning routine. I came down to the kitchen to find that my dad had made me not one, but two lunches. "Is one of these for you?" I asked. "No. They're yours. Two lunches. Have a good day." And he left for work.

I drove to work that day realizing that my dad had given me my good heart. And he didn't know what I was doing with two lunches every day, but he never questioned the fact that I packed two times the food I could eat for lunch.

Thanks for sharing your story, and for listening to mine. It's important that we soak in the life lessons that are most meaningful to our own lives and the lives of others.

I was at the downtown bus station here in Tulsa waiting for my bus to arrive when a homeless man approached me with two bus passes that had about $1.75 left on them. He was trying to sell them for cash. He asked if I wanted them and I told him I didn't really need them, but please keep them for yourself and take this $10. When he looked back up at me he was crying and was profusely thankful. He turned to walk off, then spun back around. I'm ashamed to say this, but my first thought was that his intentions weren't going to be the best. But he walked back up to me and asked if he could have a hug. I was so surprised by his request that I instinctively pulled him in close, told him to take care of himself, and off he went with the biggest smile on his face. I think that meant more to him than the money did - he acted as if he hadn't had any physical contact with anyone in ages. After that, I didn't care what he did with the money. If drinking it away helps him get by, so be it.

Wow Heather, what a beautiful story. Every girl should have a big brother who is her hero. I know I did. This type of compassion is what makes me hopeful that the world isn't really the total shitball it seems to be most of the time. Thanks for sharing this bit of goodness with us!

On a side note... how'd you ever get away with being named Heather, when your siblings are Ranger and September? Don't tell me... DOOCE is really your REAL name! :)

And this is why I love you

I read you day in and day out...

And today you made me cry like a damn donkey.

You reminded me that not everyone in this world is a butthead. And sometimes that little bit of inspired faith, is exactly what we need to move forward.

thank you.

The perils of an English degree...overreading.
The real story is SO MUCH BETTER.

Heather,

You're always so passionate and that's what I like about you. I never agree with your politics, you use way more profanity that I approve of, but I keep coming back to your blog because you're real. I don't have to agree with everything someone says to embrace them and learn from them. You're refreshing, intelligent, challenging, irreverent, and most of all, you're honest.

Thanks for making my day...again.

Thanks for this post. My mother always tells the story of the time I went to Washington DC for a school trip, and when she asked me that night what I had seen, I answered, "I saw a homeless person." That trip has forever instilled a drive to help the needy, no matter what they are using the money for. I always give, even if all I have is some change. I don't know what they're going to buy with that money, but I don't care. I only hope that my son remembers seeing me roll down the window of my truck and hand over the cash, no questions asked, and that it gives him compassion and a deeper understanding of the human spirit.

that really was exactly what i needed to read/hear today...something to remind me that the world is so much bigger than the piddly-shit i seem to hyperfocus on, and make myself allllll upset. i swear, i just want to cry...one of those kind that when you are all done, you feel so much better. cleaner. cleansed...

you rock.

Once you give something away - it isn't yours anymore to worry about. You should be more concerned on the good intent vs. what is done with the cash. I'm better at thinking that way than worrying about what someone wants to do with my money. That being said - I don't know if I would be inclined to give someone who had a needle sticking out fo their arm any money - but I might. What if they had decided to try to get help & my money was going to buy them bus fare to get there? What if they were going to use my money to call a family member or firend who was worried sick about them? Good intentions over ride self rightousness every time.

"You'll never know man, you'll never know." The very best reason in the world to give without knowing where it'll necessarily go...you can project and assume, but you'll never *know*. And you don't need to.

Thanks so much for this. Something I totally needed to hear.

I agree with your kind-hearted sentiments but not the expression of them.

If everyone who gave $1 or $2 to a homeless person every month instead gave that money to a foundation that supports job-training, education, mental health and substance abuse programs for the homeless and needy, we would make more progress towards fixing the problems with homelessness in this country.

I'm a medical professional working in a large US city with one of the largest populations of homeless people in the country. I provide health care for many of them through a charitable organization. Of the population I've seen, over 90% have either a mental illness or a substance abuse problem, and often they have both.

It's not a two-sided issue (GIVE THEM MONEY THEY'RE HUNGRY WE'RE BLEEDING HEARTS versus FUCK THEM THE LAZY SHITS WE'RE HEARTLESS BASTARDS) but a much more complicated one. I'm a HUGE advocate of teaching the man to fish. At our programs, we provide shelter and food for a limited time, but as a condition they must agree to receive treatment for their mental and physical health issues and substance dependencies as well as look for jobs or job training opportunities. We have case workers who help them do all of this.

I'll say again: if everyone who gave that money to homeless people instead have it to the organizations that are truly making real and tangible differences in these people's lives, rather than just letting them buy a burger or a pack of cigarettes or an ounce of coke or a tallboy, we would be much better off as a society.

Ranger & September? Followed by Heather? Is it any wonder that you're the bad seed? You have a name suitable for a human baby rather than a puppy.

Generally speaking, I avoid rhetorical & hypothetical questions. They're silly and often give me hives.

My standard operating procedure is that any begging/panhandling person who I am able to get to without endangering myself or other drivers gets a couple of premade sandwiches from the deli aisle and a couple of bottles of water. If it's cold, I throw in a pair of gloves from the front of the cashier's aisle. If they're travelling with pets, a big bag of dog or cat food is included. Comes in under $20; no judgment calls necessary. Priceless.

I am a fan. This is my favorite thing that I've read on your site.

Well said.

Heather - I've read your blog for many years now and this is the first time I've cried while reading a post. This one hits home for me because I always try and think that the person that I give money to needs it more than I do. I will usually try and give food, blankets or anything I may have to someone on the side of the road. This is how I was brought up.
My family was in a situation (a few) where we did not have a home and we lived in shelters and I couldn't have been happier for the roof over my head (I was also a kid and didn't realize that we were in a bad situation - I didn't know what poor was) Now that I'm older - I realized that we could have been the family on the side of the road begging for money.
Thank you for this post. It's given me a chance to recall my childhood days and thank God that so many people looked kindly on my family.

awesome story. Our responsibilty is to do the right thing for others and if they chose to abuse or misuse the help we give them it is their issue.

I frequently, and quietly, do the same thing as your brother. That is my choice and I would like it to remain my choice as opposed to a requirement.

One morning, just before dawn, a man woke early so he could watch the sun rise over the ocean. As he walked along the beach he came across a young girl who seemed to be doing something peculiar. She was picking up starfish and throwing them into the sea-one after another. He asked her what she was doing. "The tide washes up all these starfish and they can't get back by themselves," she said. "They will die in the sun if I don't throw them back into the water." The man looked up and down the beach at the thousands of stranded starfish. He couldn't help telling her, "but there are too many starfish to save before sunrise. Why bother? You won't make much of a difference." She paused for a moment, then picked up another starfish and threw it as far as her slender arm could manage. With a satisfied grin, she turned to the man and simply said, "I made a difference to that one."

Heather, As always, thank you.

Siblings can teach us so much, huh? (Even though they can also irritate the hell out of us.)

What a great story and reminder. Our country, right now, needs to remember to be nice and to care for others. I'm also so jealous of the wonderful memories you have of your brother. I wish I had something wonderful to think about my brother. Something else to think about. Why not let the love we share for others start at home in our own families?

This post and all these comments truly touch me.

He who is kind to the poor lends to the Lord,
and He will reward him for what he has done.
Proverbs 19:17

Honestly, once you give someone something, it doesn't matter what they do with it. Right? I mean, a gift is a gift. What matters is that you followed your heart at that instant. Sometimes I give; sometimes I don't give. It's whatever the spirit moves me to do. What they do with the money is up to them.

Contrary to some beliefs, not all homeless want to be homeless. A lot of them want whatever we all have: a home, a job, a family, stability. Whatever circumstances they've encountered to end up where they are don't always present themselves immediately. I think about myself, and I know I'm about 3-5 paychecks away from being homeless my own self.

Although my views haven't changed from the hypothetical question post, I love this story. I think I just had a hard time stomaching the question because I couldn't help just the family, I had to give money to the crackhead too. In the situation of the question you posed, I would still try to help the family in another way other than just giving them money, but in this particular scenario, I really appreciate the compassion shown. And I appreciate that the man who needed money was at least doing what he could to earn it. I know I would immediately feel more compassion for someone like that as opposed to someone just sitting there begging, because if he put forth the effort of finding something to sell for money, I would trust that he really needed it. I suppose it could still be a scam, but it would definitely tug at my heart strings. Plus, I would have a rose to remember him by! :)

An excellent sentiment for a friday afternoon!
And you're right, you don't know what someone will do with the help offered, but you know what? Even if they use it to feed an addiction, I'd rather they do it with the money I've given them and know that hopefully I've prevented them from finding another way to get that fix, like stealing, selling their body, or worse. It would be nice if it was used for food or getting a new start, but sometimes the lesser of two evils is enough.

On occasion, I have given people in need cash and sometimes wondered if they misused the money.

Never again will I wonder and I will give more frequently.

Another GREAT story - Thanks

About a year and a half ago my husband and I started a very strict family budget so we could crawl out of debt. We allotted ourselves $100 a month for our own fun money. It was probably the first of the month, starting fresh with our fun money when a woman came up to me in the parking lot of our local grocery store asking for a couple of dollars to catch a ride on the bus. She mentioned she had a little boy and they were on they way to a local shelter for lunch. In a split second, I handed over one of my $20 bills and said that I hoped that this would cover her expenses for the day. I mean how could I not? I was packing away a weeks worth of groceries into my car! She thanked me as I buckled in my toddler and then walked off towards the bus shelter.

The night before, my husband, who is a sheriffs deputy, got a call to go out to do a welfare check on a home that did not have a phone. When he got there, he saw the most dilapidated trailer he had ever seen. A young mother opened the door and my husband noticed there was hardly any furniture in the house and an older woman sitting a chair in the living room. The mother said that she was trying to take care of her older mother and her own young infant. As my husband began to leave he turned around back to the front door, took one of his twenties, knock on the front door and told the girl that he had found this money near his car. The girl totally knew what he was doing but my husband insisted that he didn't need that money and to please just take it.

We still have those impulse thoughts of not giving money because maybe that person will buy booze or drugs or whatnot. But when we do give our money, we feel great because maybe that money is making their day better than the one before.

There was a "famous" homeless person/beggar in NW Portland when I first moved here. He talked to everyone, told stories, etc. I think his name was Henry. Anyway, one day some jackass decides to pull a prank and has one of those fake scratch tickets and tells Henry that if he wins, he'll give him half. Of course, that never happens because the ticket is a fake. So, the media gets a hold of the story and this columnist here writes a heart wrenching tale and tons of money gets donated and given to Henry. Henry then rents a hotel room, buys some heroin, shoots up in his room and dies.

I believe in helping those less fortunate, but I prefer to do it with donations of goods and services. I get more joy picking out good gifts for a child off those 'giving trees' in the mall at christmas time then I do buying gifts for people that don't need things.

Thanks for the follow up Heather. I immediately said yes, give the money and then thought well I would probably give them both food when it really came down to it and then I stopped fighting with myself.

We are lucky to live in a place where we all get to have our own opinion and act on it however we choose to, some people will do nothing, some will just bitch, and some will help the person who should help themselves, some will give freely and possibly save that person who stopped trying or felt like their was no hope left.

I've been reading your blog for a while, but have never commented. This was a particularly beautiful and thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing this story.
www.seejessrun.wordpress.com

Nothing better than quick tears on a Friday morning. Great story and amazing that it still sticks with you - something seeming so insignificant at the time ultimately giving you a life lesson - that's the way it should be for all of us.

I give, too, not nearly as much as I should but when I do it's because I know deep down that everyone has a story, a tragedy; and you never, ever know how much your actions (even small ones) can impact someone's story. I completely agree with #82.

okay, so I'm all about charity. I give whatever change I have (which is rare, I never have cash!) to people who look like they need it.

However, I get so jaded. We are good friends with a Mexican immigrant who runs a landscaping company. He once told me a story where he offered a man a job for the day and was told to "Go back to Mexico" He's offering to pay them for a good days labor so that they have some money - these people just want hand-outs.

Now I give food instead of money. If they're really bad off, this is better than the $2 change I have in my purse.

That was a great story! Too bad there aren't more people in the world who feel like this, you know?

Heather, you and your family are classy people - truly inspirational. Beautifully written post as well. Brothers are awesome, aren't they?

BTW, my adopted yellow lab's name is Ranger, and boy am I proud he has that name.

so, I'm not one for long expressive comments, but I loved your story because it shows exactly what it's all about for me. And I just wanted to say thanks for being a good person. I have family (and friends) like that who have influenced me, and like you, they are still some of the best people I know and I would consider them much more in tune with the reality of people and the world. The reason I say this is because you have expressed your previous affiliation with Mormonism. I am a Mormon in Utah, but I would NEVER consider myself part of the culture that is around here (boo). Not to say that I don't know some amazingly great Mormon people, but the lack of reality around here sometimes gets so tiring. I know that some in this valley would look only at the swearwords and booze on your site and that's all they'd see. While in reality I feel you are much more in with what's really important-more than a lot of Mormons out there. I just wanted to say that I can appreciate where you are coming from, especially with the religion thing, and I like that you are showing who you are. Yay for the people who are so influential to us.

Your brother sounds like an awesome guy! And yes, I've over looked the guy on the street with the sign in fear that any money given would be used for booze or drugs instead of food. I regreat that. Even more, if I felt that strongly about wanting to help I could always go buy some food to give to that person instead of cash. Your question has made me look at myself a little closer. Thank you.

On the other hand, your question vs. the story is a little, well, it's not compairing apples to apples. In your question, you implied that we KNEW the money would be going to buy drugs. In your story, your brother gave with risk that it MAY be used to by drugs.

As I said, your story made me look a little closer at myself and I now will be more inclined to give no matter what the money may be used for.

These situations are so complicated. I struggle every time, just as you describe. For me, I've been inspired - not by my brother - but by my 7 year old son. Once, we stopped at a light and there was a homeless man with a sign standing there. I didn't give him anything and, as we drove away, my son began to scream and cry. He said, "Mama...we have so much. We could have helped him and we didn't". I know that and think the same thing every time we encounter someone like that man on the corner. I don't have the answers to give my son but we talk about it a lot and struggle with it together.

A friend of mine often carries coupons for fast food restaurants around for those very opportunities when she can give them away to the person at the curb.

Thank you for this reminder to once again be thankful for all that we have, including the freedom to think and act with compassion.

I wish I had the follow up article to this link;
http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_14725.aspx

The random act of kindness noted in the article resulted in success to one man's life. He's doing great as a productive healthy contributing member of the community.

I applaud your ability to spontaneously give to people in need. The only drawback is that these kinds of 'donations' are a fleeting and inconsistent way to provide for these vulnerable people.

It is good to give $20 (a pitance, even in these troubling economic times) to a homeless person, but I would hope we would all go home and send another $20--on a weekly or monthly basis--to a homeless shelter or food pantry that can use it's buying power and non-profit status to feed 10x as many people. We'll never be able to conquer hunger and homelessness until we tackle them in a systematic and consistent way.

Lovely anecdote--just what I needed today amidst all the frightening McCain/Palin hate-mongering. Thanks to you...and Ranger.