The halfway point
About a month before I found out I was pregnant my friend Carol mentioned that her gym was running a deal where two people could share a personal trainer once a week for a significant discount. Since then we've been spending an hour every Friday morning together with a trainer named Laura, and then lying in bed for the subsequent two days plotting ways to bomb Laura's house. Our text messages in the hours following the workout look like this:
"Feeling it in my butt. Want to die. Is homicide a crime?"
"Not if we make it look like an accident."
"She doesn't have any kids. No one will miss her."
"But she does have a dog."
"Then let's leave a bowl of food behind."
Our workouts are brutal, filled with squats and lunges and exercises I've never heard of, and last Friday morning as Carol and I were walking from the car toward the building she stopped short, dropped her lower jaw and pointed directly toward my lower extremities. "You're waddling," she said, as plainly as if she were pointing out that I had a piece of spinach lodged in my teeth, the way friends warn each other of potentially embarrassing situations. Heather, you look like you were screwing a watermelon and it got stuck in your wee waw. Just a heads up. NOT AWKWARD AT ALL.
Turns out I've gained all my weight in such a way that it is already affecting the way I walk, the way I stand up out of a chair, the way I roll off the bed. I can barely go up a flight of stairs without falling on the floor, clutching at my heart, and calling out to my dead wife Ethel. I'm carrying the baby in my back more than I ever did Leta, and already it's hindering almost every movement of my body. And so when people ask me how I'm feeling now that I'm halfway through, I have to hold up a finger and ask them to wait a second while I shift my weight to the other foot. And by then I'm usually too out of breath to summon an answer.
There was a part of me that wanted to keep my pregnancy a secret from Laura so that every week as we warmed up on the treadmill she'd think to herself, hmmmm... weird. Should I talk to her about her diet? Maybe ask her to lay off the Twinkies? And I'm sure it must be strange for her to watch one of her clients return each week a bit rounder than before, because it's certainly strange for me. Yes, I know I am naturally thin, and because I am so tall my weight gain does not show on my body like it would if I were several inches shorter. But this isn't really about the way I look as it is about the way I feel, and I think pregnancy is such an equalizing experience this way for most women. We have little control over what's going with our bodies, and I am no different than anyone else in feeling at times surprised, sometimes helpless, sometimes frightened. My body feels heavier, more sluggish, less agile, and while I know it's only temporary that doesn't mean it is any less disorienting.
And I think that's the best description I can give for what its feel like in this stage of my second pregnancy: this body does not feel like my own. Sometimes when I'm trying to roll out of bed in the morning I'm like, whose boobs are these? I do not recognize these legs. And because this is my second pregnancy I am well aware that things only get more uncomfortable from here, no need to give me a warning that begins with the detestable phrase, "Just wait..." I can guarantee that every time you use that phrase in conversation with a pregnant woman you are earning cosmic points that when added up one day will result in a piano falling on your head.
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FM Living
Daddy Scratches said:
I have never been more happy about having a penis than I was both times my wife was *extremely* pregnant with our children ... not to mention the part where they came out of her vagina.
Hang in there, Heather. (Like you have a choice, right?)
01.29.09 - 11:23 AM / 1Erin T said:
Thank you for the laughter. I needed that today. Very badly.
01.29.09 - 11:27 AM / 2The Dalai Mama said:
Your vibrant description has made me thankful for adoption and scared to death for the possibility of getting pregnant with IVF. My first two kids came to me with no physical symptoms other than stress.
But an excuse to waddle--does seem handy.
01.29.09 - 11:28 AM / 3Elizabeth_K said:
The "just you wait" comments are not nearly as bad (in my opinion) as the "you really ARE big" comments. A pox on all pregnancy-commenters! You are allowed to say "May I go get you a box of chocolate?" and that is ALL!
01.29.09 - 11:28 AM / 4Polly said:
you do realize that i'm going to go back through your entire blog and use it as a pregnancy manual right? and each time i'll be so happy that someone else has been through it.
thank you.
01.29.09 - 11:29 AM / 5MoxieCrimefighter said:
I'm right there with ya, sister. 22 weeks and feeling it - BIG TIME! I cannot believe I'm just over 50% done. I'll be the size of a smallish elephant before this bambino pops out!
01.29.09 - 11:29 AM / 6Karrey said:
Man, pregnant ladies are the most effective form of birth control EVAR!
01.29.09 - 11:30 AM / 7duck_jb said:
"Just wait" equals the same amount of rage to me as "... let you." did when I was a teenager. No one can tell me to wait as they know better and no one can 'let' me do anything. Ugh HATE HATE HATE HATE that line.
01.29.09 - 11:30 AM / 8Kelsey said:
Ditto on the birth control comment. Ha! How's Leta doing? Newsletter?
01.29.09 - 11:31 AM / 9Anonymous said:
Well, I'm in the middle of my second miscarriage in a row, and I've got a different kind of "whose body is this?" feeling going on, but you've reminded me of the common experience I'm sharing with thousands of other women, so thank you.
01.29.09 - 11:31 AM / 10Anonymous said:
you must look like an adorable tall penguin when you waddle. :o)
01.29.09 - 11:31 AM / 11Katie said:
LOL! Seriously, I felt that way more with my second pregnancy than my first as well. But then I also carried both boys in my ribs, so the breathing was very difficult and my God was the heartburn horrible. I never waddled, until they dropped, then I got what everyone was talking about. No, I lived with feet and butts and heads up in my ribs, not on my bladder. Don't know which is worse.
01.29.09 - 11:32 AM / 12Kristin said:
Oh, I can't believe you didn't keep it from her. That would have been too funny! (And good blog fodder!) You look great, btw!
01.29.09 - 11:33 AM / 13Katya said:
I have no idea what you are going through ( I'm sorry, I won't rub it in) but you can do it! Rock out Dooce.
I believe in you, and I appreciate all of your insights, so that one day I'll go OOH That's why...
01.29.09 - 11:35 AM / 14Denise said:
If you are already waddling at 20 weeks......well.....just you wait (sorry...couldn't resist)!
01.29.09 - 11:36 AM / 15nursesarah said:
Totally rethinking the whole "I want kids someday" thing...
01.29.09 - 11:36 AM / 16Kelly said:
I think that "it's not your body" feeling gets worse the more babies you have. Pregnancy certainly does a number on a girl, no?
01.29.09 - 11:36 AM / 17Teri said:
I can't believe that you are still working out...by the time I was 20 weeks, I couldn't have done a squat if my life depended on it. I am much shorter than you and much heavier than you so when I was 20 weeks, I pretty much looked like I had a kickball shoved up my shirt.
01.29.09 - 11:39 AM / 18Brett said:
Heather, you look great! may your workouts get easier and easier. Or, perhaps Laura will get that flu going around and you can take it a bit easier. This baby is going to pop out with an urge to join 24hr fitness.
01.29.09 - 11:39 AM / 19Onyeka said:
Not that I wasn't already scared stiff of getting pregnant, but all these blow-by-blow details aren't helping! I love that you've got a sense of humor about it though. I predict myself being very pissy and agitated. You go!
01.29.09 - 11:39 AM / 20NicoleG said:
I so feel just this way. 17 weeks and one day.
It's my first pregnancy and I am kinda glad I am not alone thinking some of those thoughts.
It's just weird.
AND I know the people at the gym stare at me wondering - hmmm.
01.29.09 - 11:39 AM / 21Daddy Scratches.com said:
Oh, and not to be picky, but: It should be "dead wife Elizabeth."
Actually, I guess that was to be picky ... but, hey, I just saw a segment about Redd Foxx on PBS last night, and who knew that less than 24-hours later, I'd have a relevant reason to put my knew knowledge to use? Speaking of which: did you know his last name really was Sanford? And that he was close friends with Malcom X? Gotta love that PBS, I tell ya.
01.29.09 - 11:40 AM / 22Emily said:
dang! i was reading all these funny happy comments until i got to the miscarriage one. i'd like to defend Heather because i'm pretty sure that was meant to be a mean comment. Heather, I'm a big fan of how you tell it like it is. I'd like to tell "Anonymous" that i'm sorry for her loss but no need for Debby Downing on the rest. sheesh.
01.29.09 - 11:40 AM / 23Mynda said:
So Funny. Who doesn't have that 'who's body is this anyway' from time to time.
Thanks for the laugh!
01.29.09 - 11:40 AM / 24Marta (Austin Texas) said:
Haha! Yeah, it's been over 18 years since I've been pregnant, but the memories have kept me downright chaste since then! I'm glad you're doing it so I can live vicariously through you!
01.29.09 - 11:42 AM / 25Jessica said:
I'm now 2/3 of the way through my second pregnancy. This second one seems to have passed so much more quickly. Though the backaches and the waddling and all that jazz have definitely begun. Sometimes I just want this pregnancy to be over, and other times I'm sad that it's probably the last time I'll be pregnant, so I should enjoy it. Because it is so easy to enjoy chronic back-pain and an always full bladder. The "just wait.." comments seem to be much less the second time around. I have always hated that phrase, and hope that I never catch myself saying it.
01.29.09 - 11:42 AM / 26Anonymous said:
I didn't mean to be mean at all. I really do appreciate Heather's post. It made me feel better.
01.29.09 - 11:43 AM / 27Jill Put Up A Blog said:
You are hilarious! We have been considering couple bootcamp - aren't we all cute.
01.29.09 - 11:44 AM / 28Lauren said:
As a 24 year old reader of yours, I love and appreciate how you prepare me for what's ahead with clips and moments and images of your life - both the extreme joys of a loving family and raising children, and the moments of that life that are occasionally soaked in displeasure and chased with a shot of humor. Congratulations on Leta's sister and hang in there. Just remember through all the discomfort that you are giving Leta the greatest gift she'll ever receive in her life - at least that's my opinion as the big sister in a 2 girls and no boys family. The power of the connection between sisters is unparalleled!
01.29.09 - 11:44 AM / 29KT said:
From a woman who is only 14ish weeks pregnant and several inches shorter than you...thank you! You look great, so it's oddly comforting to hear you feel as odd as I do. My first pregnancy I wasn't in maternity clothes at this stage, but boy am I in them now. I'm already doing the waddle, back grab, moaning/grunting when moving, and totally short of breath just climbing one flight of stairs. So I feel ya!
01.29.09 - 11:46 AM / 30