The secret to our clean floors
Coco still sleeps in a crate next to our bed, and up until we caught on to the fact that she was manipulating us we would let her out in the morning at the sound of her first cry thinking that she desperately needed to go wee. But when we clumsily made it to the back door and suffered the cold morning air on our bare legs, she would casually step outside, wander along the perimeter of the patio, leisurely stretch her legs and then lie down. Like, oh, I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something? Because I just wanted to get a head start on being an asshole.
Now we just tell her to shut it when she starts crying, either by yelling those very words or by blurting out whatever noise comes out of our sleepy throats. Sometimes it's TSHHH! or PIHHHH! or SO HELP ME GOD. And it works, she goes back to sleep until Leta marches in, and then it's over, do not expect her to remain silent inside that crate, not when there is a child around to keep track of. You can't do that to a herding dog, dangle a child in front of it and suggest that said child be ignored. Do you have any idea what could go wrong? Sure, there are wolves and flash floods and diphtheria to worry about, but worst case scenario is that this child decides to go to the bathroom AND NO ONE IS COUNTING. How will we ever know how many people are left in the room?
Once everyone is awake we all go upstairs to have breakfast together, and eventually Coco ends up underneath Leta's chair. This is the place where treats rain from the sky, and the silence with which she assumes her position there suggests that she's hoping no one else will catch on to her secret. Because if Chuck discovered the magical supply of Cheerios she'd have to share her bounty. What she doesn't know is that Chuck is well aware of the frequent treat storms that emanate from Leta's chair, he just knows that her diet is so limited that it's not worth the wait to sit there for a stray refried bean. It's not like FILET MIGNON is ever going to come flying off that counter.
Earlier this week both dogs were completely wiped out from having spent eight days at a kennel, so wiped out in fact that Coco didn't even hear Leta stomp into our bedroom. She even slept through the commotion of me leading Leta upstairs to have breakfast. I left Jon to sleep in a few extra minutes and assumed he'd let Coco out of the crate when he woke up. Thirty minutes later Coco dashed up the stairs, totally frazzled, a thought bubble exploding out of her head that said OHMIGOD OHMIGOD OHMIGOD. Instead of running in to greet me like she normally would, she immediately slid seven feet from the doorway of the kitchen right into her spot underneath Leta's chair. Only then did she look up to see if Leta was still there. And when Coco saw that she was, saw Leta eagerly spooning mouthfuls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch out of her bowl, I swear to God that dog sighed, like I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST SLEPT THROUGH THE BEST PART OF THE DAY.
I kneeled down, scratched her underneath her chin, pointed to my belly and said DUDE, HAVE I GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU.
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FM Living
Lola said:
You're so great.
03.04.09 - 03:59 PM / 1Daddy Scratches said:
One of these days, you and Jon are going to end up convincing me that I should cave in and get a dog ... and when that dog is relieving itself on the floor, and tearing shit up, and getting hair everywhere, I will curse you.
03.04.09 - 04:01 PM / 2jennifer said:
so damn cute
03.04.09 - 04:01 PM / 3Nic said:
Oh to be a fly on the wall during breakfast...
03.04.09 - 04:02 PM / 4Anonymous said:
Great post!
03.04.09 - 04:03 PM / 5misha said:
i want another dog!
03.04.09 - 04:03 PM / 6Dana said:
Oh Coco. I know this is strange, but everything you write about Coco makes me want another dog even more! Now where did I put those meds...
03.04.09 - 04:04 PM / 7J. Bo said:
My friend, the veterinarian, refers to babies and small children as "vending machines for dogs."
03.04.09 - 04:04 PM / 8Ariel said:
I want a dog and another baby!
03.04.09 - 04:06 PM / 9Amy G. said:
I swear, there are days when I think the food clean-up is the ONLY thing our dog - a 7-1/2 year old female yellow Lab - is good for. She drools and sheds like a maniac, doesn't obey to save her life, and she's a shameless attention hog, but by God if a speck of food hits the floor, she's ON it in a nanosecond.
I always felt guilty taking our now 6-year-old son to restaurants when he was younger because he made SUCH a mess and there was no dog there to clean it up, like there has always been at home. You really take that for granted!
03.04.09 - 04:08 PM / 10the mighty jimbo said:
see, in our house, the dogs are the CAUSE of all the dirty floors. having two dogs with jowls, one one-hundred pound floppy mouthed beasty in particular who can't seem to keep either saliva or kibble within those cheeks, means we are always wiping up something nasty.
what i'm more curious about is how with two shed prone creatures, do you keep that hardwood so damn spotless.
i swear i'd never stop vacuuming, but i love my dyson and i'm totally anal that way.
03.04.09 - 04:08 PM / 11HamiHarri said:
Hehehe...
We bring our doggies to my sister's (who is dog-less) just so we don't have to worry about dropping chips/crackers/whateves on her carpet...lol...LOVE DOGS!
03.04.09 - 04:15 PM / 12Leslie Ruth said:
Oh my word, do I ever love a Coco story. Especially one that involves your narration of her thoughts.
It's a gift, I tell you.
03.04.09 - 04:15 PM / 13Seren said:
It's worse with cats; they sit and watch. Every. Single. Bite. They make you feel like you're willfully starving them to death, just for the heck of it.
Coco is going to have so much fun when the new baby arrives. Another human to keep track of!
03.04.09 - 04:17 PM / 14Andra said:
Heather, I just got my very first dog of my entire life on February 8th, after having a lifelong dream of owning one while living in my "cats-only" childhood home.
It was not a decision come to lightly, but since I was laid off in January and am not starting my new job until the end of March, my boyfriend and I figured that would be the perfect amount of time to get a little puppy so I could be around 24/7 to train and socialize it.
I feel like I adopted an infant. Asmall, white, hairy, & mobile infant with a penchant for the crotch of your underwear and chasing my poor cat all over the place.
She has opened my eyes to a fraction of the work it takes when you have a child. All I have to say is I AM SO GLAD I DIDN'T GET PREGNANT FIRST.
And then she licks my face off and it's so cute I don't even care that she would rather poop next to the training pad on not on it.
03.04.09 - 04:18 PM / 15Anu said:
LOL, just fell off my chair laughing!!! You are just incredible with your words...I actually saw Coco slide and land under Leta's chair.
03.04.09 - 04:20 PM / 16Jacquie said:
I have a terrible feeling that Coco will prefer offerings from the diaper pail to treats from the high chair
03.04.09 - 04:20 PM / 17Sadie said:
I want a Coco sooooo badly.
03.04.09 - 04:20 PM / 18Grace said:
God I love herding dogs. My family (very accidentally - we were told it was a lab mix) adopted a border collie/shepherd mix when I was growing up and she was the smartest dog I've ever encountered. We trained her to stay out of the dining room, and she did (no baby gates required). We trained her to walk off-lead and follow non-verbal commands; no problem. Her level of intelligence was borderline creepy sometimes (you know, except for that whole poop-eating phase as a puppy when we almost gave her back).
My husband and I are looking for a dog now, but we don't have the space for any kind of herding breed, and I'm really concerned about how much more difficult it's going to be to train a significantly less intelligent dog.
03.04.09 - 04:20 PM / 19Annie said:
I love everything about that story.
03.04.09 - 04:21 PM / 20Ginger said:
How sweet - the symbiotic relationship between beast and baby. Even with the food bonus, I don't think my dog will ever truly get over being ousted as the primary creature of interest in my house.
03.04.09 - 04:23 PM / 21Simone said:
Can I just say that I enjoy your family almost as much as my own? Probably I enjoy your dogs more than mine at the moment, but that's because my two Chewbacca beasts (read: Irish Setters) haven't heard a damn thing I've said since the second child starting eating solids. Mealtimes at ours often erupt in growling dogs jockeying for position under the table and high chair if I forget to lock the dogs out of the room. They were quite well-trained at one point, I swear!
03.04.09 - 04:26 PM / 22Kate said:
You made my day. It needed making, so thanks. It's almost as good as when I pound away at the laptop in the home office, only to find that my husband made the bed (which also needs making).
Only not quite so surprising.
03.04.09 - 04:28 PM / 23Aimee said:
Can I just tell you how much you and this blog make my whole frickin' day?! Usually when you open comments, I notice about 1000 in and it seems pointless to add my 2¢. But today it looks like I might be somewhere near the top... So THANK YOU.
03.04.09 - 04:29 PM / 24MereMortal said:
With the arrival of a second kid, it gets worse: my normally quietly begging dog now will get food right of the table and counters while we are busy trying to wrangle and feed and corral and diaper two youngins.
03.04.09 - 04:31 PM / 25Jill said:
Oh yes, dog as food vacuum is SO very handy. And my freak will eat ANYTHING: carrot shavings, lettuce leaves, onion pieces (!), and if he's lucky, the occasional piece of cheese. (Who am I kidding. Lots of cheese. It's good stuff.)
03.04.09 - 04:33 PM / 26d'Auria said:
she's going to go apeshit :)
03.04.09 - 04:34 PM / 27Lori said:
OMG you just described the a.m. crap we're going through with our 8 month old Old English Sheepdog!!! I had no idea the herding breeds were so damn smart! Total manipulators! I feel your pain...
03.04.09 - 04:34 PM / 28Tess French said:
I LOLd.
Andomygod clovers are meant to be green. Greeeeeeeeen.
03.04.09 - 04:35 PM / 29Anonymous said:
Tess - that's driving me crazy too. but you know Heather knows it would drive some of us batshit and did it on purpose just so we could join her in the craaaazzzyyy. And we love her for it. And she knows that too.
This post is made of WIN!
03.04.09 - 04:42 PM / 30