Enormous pregnant lady eats Manhattan

Rarely do I ever feel as vulnerable as when I’m using the toilet on an airplane, and I think it has everything to do with someone trying to figure out how to talk about where they found my body if the plane should crash. Like, I’d rather be the one they found still in her seat with the cell phone pressed to her ear having just called her daughter to say her last goodbye. Not the one sitting on the commode with her pants around her ankles, a wad of toilet paper in her right hand because the plane hit the ground before she could finish her business.

I had to think about this six times yesterday on the flight back from New York, every time I waddled to that tiny compartment to offer relief to a bladder that would not shut up. For those of you who have never been inside a bathroom stall on an airplane, just imagine someone closing the lid to your coffin. And that panic? The feeling that you’re going to suffocate as they lower you into the ground? Yeah, you’ve got to ignore that part because three or four other passengers are standing outside your coffin waiting for their turn. So hurry up, and if your baby is crowding your bladder like mine was all day yesterday, sorry, but there’s no room to contort your body into a position to free up your pipeline. Not unless you can stick your foot behind your head. And if you’re one of those people who can, by god, you better hope the plane doesn’t go down right that instant. WOMAN FOUND PANTSLESS, CONTORTED INTO A PRETZEL.

On the way to the airport Sunday afternoon I remembered that I hadn’t talked to my father yet, so I called him and let him know that I was going to be on the TODAY show the following morning. He said that if he had to, he’d make the sacrifice to get up early to see my appearance, and that’s when I reminded him what year it is. That some people? They have bathrooms INSIDE THEIR HOMES. There are things called DISHWASHERS and ANSWERING MACHINES and get this! They even make these little boxes THAT CAN RECORD LIVE TELEVISION. That’s when he reminded me how much my brother was going to enjoy ALL THAT MONEY left to him in the will.

The flight to New York was fine, but we didn’t get into the city until 12:30AM and then didn’t get into bed until 2AM. Then we were up at 5:30AM getting ready, over to the studio by 7AM, done with taping at 8:30AM, then back to check out of the hotel. The flight home was just a total nightmare, five and a half hours of someone tugging on the back of my seat, the seat in front of me reclined into my six-months-pregnant belly, and a frustrated baby inside taking out her anger on my bladder. Last night when the cabbie dropped us off at the house, a foot of snow blanketing the driveway, my body starting screaming at me: I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. And I was all, I KNOW. I HATE ME, TOO.

Not two minutes inside the door, and my father calls to tell me he watched the segment! Great job, he said. And also! Looks like his youngest daughter has put on some weight! In fact, that’s what he turned to tell my step-mother when Meredith Vieira introduced me. Look! Heather’s fat!

If that wasn’t EXACTLY what I wanted to hear right after getting off that plane.

I sternly corrected him, let him know the proper term was GLOWING, not FAT, and then I went and ate a spoonful of whipped cream cheese cake frosting.

For those of you who didn’t catch it yesterday, here’s the segment from the TODAY show. Maybe I should say that the camera adds ten pounds, but who cares. I don’t plan on being pregnant ever again, so I’m going to embrace these pounds with glee. It probably doesn’t help the scale of things that the other participant, the lovely Laura Fortner, weighs about 60 pounds soaking wet, and that she’s obviously terrified that the enormous pregnant lady sitting next to her is going to reach over and eat her at any given moment. Because come on, it looks like I’ve swallowed Matt Lauer:

  • Kathleen

    Heather, those people who took me to task and are “defending” you, is that you feel as well?

    Is it okay to say the following about Alli, who is apparently not a woman first but her weight first,…”And the obese women detailed in the segment who breast feeds her child while surfing the net–please start paying attention to child. Get off the computer and go for a walk. The “Today” show could NOT have picked a worse person to highlight as a digital age mom.”

    I really hope you’ll examine your own attitude towards body weight and perhaps take a different attitude. Even if you don’t take a different attitude, I hope you’ll at least consider the feelings of people who really are fat and who struggle everyday against the idea that they are not beautiful, not okay, “the worse.”

  • http://www.becomingsarah.com Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

    I can’t watch it and am going to have to send my flash player to time out!

    So instead I’ll just tell you I thought the picture you posted a few days ago of the four of you was pretty damned cute =) I wish you had open comments on your photographs sometimes, but I guess I could just click over to Flickr and quit my whining, huh? Anyway, cute photo!

  • http://mskarensplace.blogspot.com Ms. Karen

    As a larger-than-average woman, bathrooms on airplanes are a nightmare. I can barely move once the door is closed. It makes me wonder what they do for people in wheelchairs, because there would be no way to get one in there at all, much less have an assistant standing inside to help.

    Yeah, the headlines on that planwreck would include the odd case of the unrelated, yet conjoined twins found in the lav.

    (you looked great on the segment. Good job!)

  • http://icarrie.blogspot.com/ Carrie

    Ah, you look great.
    And given the chance, I’d swallow Matt Lauer.
    Can’t wait to read your book!

  • http://heart-and-home.net Ashleigh (Heart and Home)

    I just won’t go to the bathroom when I’m flying. Okay, maybe I do… if I’ve been holding it a really, really, REALLY long time. But my phobia of being found in the bathroom when the plane crashes is just too real. I guess the one consolation is that the “lavatories” are usually in the back of the plane and they DO say that’s the safest place to be… right? The engines WILL save me? (crickets chirp)

  • Crystal

    I feel for you, being 6 months pregnant on a plane. I don’t love public washrooms at the best of times, but Airplanes are the worst. I too am 6 months pregnant at the moment and this kid makes me “go” at least once an hour!
    You did great on the show by the way!!

  • http://daddyscratches.com Daddy Scratches

    Saw it yesterday. Good appearance. I was still hoping for a cage match between you and Kathy Lee, however. Woulda been fun to see you claw her eyes out.

  • http://www.itsbecauseithinktoomuch.com Adiel

    Your hair looks awesome and honestly you don’t look fat, you look super healthy!

  • http://maybeinutah.blogspot.com Mari

    Woo-hoo! Thank goodness somebody is making Utahns NOT look like freaks in the national media. I thank you for that.

  • Megan Putman

    “Mental hospital?” You’re so my generation. Remember when we used to call everything “gay?” That’s soooo gay. My gay friends mock me.

    You looked great. Your little XX will love that video someday. Her first Today show. Definetly not your last.

    Should I come see you in Oakbrook? I’d be the tall dorky redhead with big boobs. But I have great taste in blogs.

    All the best!

    Megan Putman

  • http://www.meanmama.org liz

    what a pleasant surprise it was to see you on the today show (which i only watch every other day when i’m grumbling on the treadmill at the gym). you looked stunning — i have to laugh that THAT’S your version of “fat.”

  • Gabriela

    Just watched the segment with my four-year-old son, and when you appeared, he gasped and said, “She’s beautiful.” And you are!

  • http://kristanhoffman.com/ Kristan

    Well, I didn’t want to say anything after I watched the segment yesterday, but… *DID* YOU EAT MATT LAUER?!

  • Staci

    I caught your Today Show interview part-way through; so happy you posted it on your blog so I could see it from the beginning. It was super.

    Although you may not feel like you look your best at this stage of your pregnancy, you really do look beautiful. I have to say that the photo of you standing on the beach that you posted not too long ago is one of the loveliest shots of a pregnant woman I’ve ever seen!

    p.s. I absolutely adore Chuck. “Pantone 160″ is my current desktop wallpaper :)

  • Julie A.

    You were great on the Today show yesterday! Congratulations, and I’m looking forward to the book!

  • Emily

    You look great, by the way! Your face has softened quite a bit and I find it very pretty.

  • http://typingelbow.blogspot.com typingelbow

    I love that … I’m not fat! I’m glowing. I think someone needs to make maternity shirts that say that. And on the back, they can say, Now shut up, or I’ll sit on you.

    You did great, Dooce! Way to rock the baby bump in hot leather boots!

  • http://winecat.typepad.com Cathy Carey

    Oh you looked great, baby bump and leather boots you rocked.
    And for once my computer was cooperating and I actually got to hear your voice – love the accent.

    On the depression front although I’ve never had kids I have lived with depression for a long time. Reading your blog made me realize I better get some help before I hurt myself.

  • http://www.altruisminthemorning.com natalie

    congrats – can’t wait to read the book. and you’re totally one hot mama!

  • http://verbalintent.com priscilla

    gorgeous and eloquent as always.

  • http://www.threeseven.ca zchamu

    Yeah, I’ve gotten the “I heard you’re getting fat!” comment too. It’s so heartwarming. Or the people who go “Oh my god you are huuuuuuuuge!” and then I want to say “Oh my god you are uuuuuuuuuuugly!”

    The other problem with being 6 months pregnant on a plane is that no longer can you stand sideways to let people pass you in the aisle. You have to back up the entire aisle of people to let you through just so you can go empty the bladder that the baby’s been doing the cha-cha on for the last 3 hours.

    This body, I am not used to it.

  • Angie

    Yeah, but it’s the second trimester…big boobs and great sex. I say enjoy your goddess body!

  • http://www.JenniferSuarez.com Jennifer Suarez

    When the video started I thought “WOW she really HAS put on a TON of weight” but then I realized that’s a PANDA bear not dooce! ;-)

    Great job!

  • http://www.joysinmylife.blogspot.com Heather

    I did see you on the Today Show the other day and I thought you looked great!!!! Great job! Sorry the flight was so cr@ppy.

  • Marie

    I DV-R’d the show yesterday and jsut FF’d all the way to your part this morning. You looked lovely and definitely glowing!

    Your boots were mad hot.

  • Bitts

    The rule about commenting on a pregnant woman’s size is: If you wouldn’t say it to someone who WASN’T pregnant, don’t say it to a pregnant girl.

    Also, the woman who spends 6 hours a day online with 2 little ones? Wow. That seems unfulfilling. For everyone.

  • Kristen from MA

    Can’t see the video here at work, but i will definitely check it out at home. But your statement ‘the camera adds 10 pounds’ reminds me of the same line from Friends. The gang is watching an old home movie of Monica when she was in high school and very fat. Monica says, ‘The camera adds 10 pounds.’ And Chandler responds, ‘How many cameras are on you?’ Hee! :D

  • http://www.greercaldwell.blogspot.com GreerAnn

    You look fabulous (read: not fat). And your blog is fabulous. I hope to be the hip digital mom that you seem to be SOON!

  • KT

    You did great and looked great too! Tell your dad to suck it.

  • http://www.racheldirollzack.com Rachel

    Heather! You looked amazing! Yes, you look a bit larger than you otherwise might, but you’re PREGNANT. If ever in your life you can ever get away with eating whatever you want and being as fat as you can get, THIS IS IT. Enjoy!

    (heeeheeeeeee my reCaptcha is “was appealing” but that is NOT TRUE AT ALL. Promise.)

  • http://www.waitinthevan.blogspot.com Kristine

    Ok, around 2:42, your eyes are darting, doing the classic “lookin’ her up and down” kinda thing. I must know what you were eyeballing.

  • Lynn

    Just sticking up for the web-surfing new mom: So she surfs the net and calmly and lovingly holds her baby? She’s giving her baby exactly what her baby needs. And she’s taking care of herself, too, by staying connected when new motherhood can be so incredibly isolating.

    No wonder women are such wrecks. Anytime they do for themselves they are BAD, BAD, BAD.

    I say good for her. If staying connected with friends and family makes her feel good, then, yes, she’ll be a better parent for the other 18 hours of the day (and night).

  • http://libelletage.blogspot.com Lisa

    Funny as always. I can’t wait to see you at Book Soup in L.A. if you make it through the flight out here.

  • http://itsjennytime.blogspot.com Jennifer

    You were fantastic! I love your honesty, love your writing and can’t wait to pick up your new book. Just finished reading Things I Learned About My Father….and loved it!!

  • http://www.thecutekid.com Jen at The Cute Kid

    Well atleast you’re dad didn’t call you a chubby tree like my brother did every time my mom wore her green sweater and brown leggings. I think I’d rather be told straight out than have some absurd moniker like chubby tree, haha. Great job on the show!

  • Jenn

    You are beautiful!
    Can’t wait to read your book :)

  • http://www.moggit.blogspot.com Joy and Janet {moggit girls}

    First of all, you look fab.

    We can’t wait til we become blogger moms who actually make money blogging.

    First thing we will buy are THOSE BOOTS!


  • http://apartmentgirl.org Erica

    You looked beautiful. Thanks for posting it for those who could not catch it on tv

  • http://www.waitinthevan.blogspot.com Kristine

    I mean 4:24!
    Tell me everything, even if you have to make it up.

  • http://www.allconsuming.blogspot.com kim at allconsuming

    1. I can’t believe they made you sit on a STOOL? That WFC really is hitting home isn’t it. Comfy sofas? GONE!

    2. You were AWESOME – I think I could listen to your accent all day and still call it sweet sweet music

    3. Today show = FAIL. I mean COME ON – are we really going to have a whole segment on mummy bloggers as if its an entirely new phenomenon? In 2009? Pffft.

  • http://www.motleyqueue.blogspot.com Holly

    Heather, I’m exactly as pregnant as you are with my second child as well and I know how you feel. I keep catching my face in the mirror and thinking, “is that my face? Or is that two of my face?” The more people that tell me how great I look, the more I feel it’s a pity conspiracy to make me feel like less of a blob. I liked your spot on Today. You looked hip and I’m sure Kathy Lee was jealous.

  • Anu

    Well…you really were glowing ;-) No no really, your face lit up when you were introduced and you looked beautiful. And those shoes absolutely kill!!!

  • http://agrowingviolet.blogspot.com/ kimberly

    Great job!

  • http://inkstainswithroni.blogspot.com/ InkStainedRoni

    I didn’t think you looked fat at all ~ dad’s what do they know ;) I thought you were great! Dh was impressed I knew who you were and that I read your blog – LOL!!
    Rock on chickie!!

  • Beachgal

    You looked wonderful! Well done! Thanks for sharing, since I NEVER watch the Today show.

  • http://theseatedview.blogspot.com/ Lene

    Great segment! I think you look awesome with the extra weight (oh dear, did I just sound like a dememnted fan?), although yes. Your co-interviewee did look a tad nervous.

    And speaking of the book… please tell me it’ll be out in audio format, as well? I have a disability that now means I can’t read regular books, so I’m hoping the answer will be yes…

  • http://www.thedomesticfringe.wordpress.com the domestic fringe

    Great today show segment!

    Parents just have a way of making us feel good about ourselves, don’t they?


  • http://www.uprinting.com/Artist-Canvas.html UPrinting Canvas Printing

    I have watched the show and you’re really lovely. I like the way you write and your honesty too. I just can’t wait to have your book. By the way, thanks for sharing.

  • Lee

    I think you look glowing Heather!

  • http://superpreemie.wordpress.com Sarah

    1) thanks for posting the link – I went looking for the video this morning & didn’t find it.
    2) count me among the “sad that you didn’t get a chance to kick Kathie Lee’s ass” population.
    3) Oh yes, airline bathrooms… I flew to London and back at 25 weeks. Not. Fun.