Job opening
Tuesday morning we drove down to the local CBS affiliate to give an interview about my book to the news during the noon hour, and when we walked into the studios we immediately recognized the smell of Mormon Church. This is not uncommon in Utah, for certain buildings to smell of wooden pews, starch, and carpet cleaner, an aroma particular to Sunday meetings at an LDS church. Could be similar building materials, but it could also be that this is what Mormons smell like, and before I even finish this sentence I should probably ask myself, Heather? Really? Do you want all that email from angry Mormons who take offense at being described as smelling like a warm casserole fart?
We arrived early because that is how I operate, although do you know how hard it is to get anywhere on time when you live with a man who must pat down every pocket in his wardrobe to locate his wallet and keys? Every pocket on his body, every pocket in the six pairs of pants scattered on the floor in the bedroom, every pocket in every jacket hanging in the closet. He looks like he's flagged himself for a security check at the airport and is patting himself down to make sure he's not concealing a deadly weapon.
We waited in the lobby for someone to come out and point us in the right direction, and when the receptionist answered a call on the speaker phone we both buried our heads into our iPhones to pretend that we weren't listening. Except, we couldn't help but listen because it wasn't just an ordinary phone call. It was a hate phone call. An emotional hate phone call. A hate phone call threatening to sue someone because the captions on certain Saturday evening shows haven't been working. Where is the person in charge?! They wanted to know! NOW! WHERE ARE THEY, DAMMIT! SHUT UP WITH ALL YOUR EXCUSES! I'll admit, for a second I thought I had entered some weird dimension where the comments section of this website had come alive and was now being read aloud through a telephone.
And that's when the entire right side of my face began to twitch involuntarily.
The receptionist handled it remarkably well, resisted the understandable human urge to shout back NO, YOU SHUT UP, kept assuring this very unhappy consumer that they as a local affiliate have no control over whether or not those specific shows feature captions, but the caller was undeterred and viciously shouted things like, "NO! NO! NO!" and "SUE! SUE! SUE!" and even threw in a growl for good measure. When the receptionist tried politely to wind down the conversation the angry person hung up abruptly. The best part? The angry person WAS A RELAY OPERATOR, meaning this was a person hired to communicate for a deaf person. Having once worked a job where I routinely answered phone calls from the public, I can honestly say that I've never heard a more dedicated relay operator. The ones I encountered were very stoic in their delivery, uninterested at times, usually monotone in delivering another person's commands. But this one, my god, she knew how to communicate an emotion! And I thought, this is exactly what I have been depriving my hate mailers! They deserve better from me!
So I'm thinking of hiring a relay operator who will once a week stand a foot away from my face and read the hate mail that has collected over a seven-day period. She should be passionate, dedicated, capable of spitting her T's and S's and F's into my eyes when reading aloud the following angry sentiments:
"Since the 'F' word is your favorite, that is the grade I give your website."
"You are so pathetic. I feel sad for you. I think you should change the name of your site to bored.com."
"You are the reason why the government should be able to regulate who can have children. How tragic for your daughter."
"Your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel."
"Get a life idiot! You got fired for being a stupid whore!"
And then once it's all over, once she has calmed down and I've managed to walk around the block a couple of times, we can hug, agree that the both of us were having a bad day, and then go out and grab a beer and laugh about how stupid all that was.
I think I just figured out how to fix the Internet.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
304. Randi said:
You know, Heather... For all the haters out there - there are THOUSANDS of us who ADORE you and your blog!
:)
305. Emily said:
Well, for what it's worth, I love your site, and I LOVED the book. I am now making a list of who gets to read it next.
306. Tracey said:
Wow - people are harsh - those comments are horrible. I'll never understand why they just DON'T READ if they don't like!!!! Definitely love the idea of the relay operator being so spirited.
307. m said:
That's awesome! I think that woman deserves a beer for her dedication to job performance.
308. Amanda said:
To where shall I submit my resume??
309. LeeTwinMom said:
Heather you ROCK! Love the real hate mail snippets...is it real? I can't believe someone would take the time to write all that negative sentiment. Why bother? I don't write to Howard Stern because I don't listen to him! I filter out stuff I "hate". Just remember Heather it's a vocal MINORITY who hate on you - most of us love you and are grateful for the way we can relate to you. Don't let the bastards get you down.
310. Too Tracy said:
"do you know how hard it is to get anywhere on time when you live with a man who must pat down every pocket in his wardrobe to locate his wallet and keys?"
...add in: every drawer, cabinet and furniture cushion and then yes, I can totally relate. AND...he's not even driving, I am. I'm just the asshole sitting in the car with 3 kids strapped in honking the horn.
Love your blog!
311. AJ said:
Heather - You're an amazingly kick-ass mother. The person who said the government should "regulate" who has children was probably "TEA-BAGGING" somewhere yesterday for less government involvement. . .
..just sayin'.
312. EJH said:
I love love love your blog. It's honest, funny, real, introspective, etc. I haven't ever commented before, but your reflections make me want to be a wife and a mother someday.
By extension, I love you and your family, so if Leta needs a college recommendation or something, consider it done. She's one of my favorite kids ever :)
(I'm hoping this doesn't sound creepy... all I'm trying to convey is "Keep it up" :) )
313. josh said:
You DO read the comments! As a devout Mormon, I love reading your blog daily. My wife is a little purturbed that I do, and even link to it on our blog, but I love a little irreverence once in a while. I have a hard time not envisioning that hate mail coming from my Mormon brothers and sisters. Allow me to apologize for them. People are afraid of apostates and nonMormons.
314. sara said:
I love a good relay operator. :) Most are lousy. From the deaf standpoint, a good one injects emotion into the text, too. From saying [sounds angry] to [christmas carols playing in the background] to [little girl yelling something about a crazy dog eating a cheerio she dropped on the floor] it's awesome.
315. Alison said:
@303 The Scarlett - as I said in my comment, I've already asked to a deafening silence. Same goes for other videos on this blog (and elsewhere too). Somewhere in the comment archives of this blog, you will find comments from me to this effect. Besides, its not a transcript I'm after but subtitles / captions.
In any case, I and every other deaf people should not need to constantly need to flag accessibility (I would like a life too). Hearing people do not spend their lives requesting sound for every single video.
Captioning - especially for commercial websites - should be a basic tenant of web accessibility, in the same way as W3C standards are adhered to.
In my original comment I said understood Heather's writing style was based on exaggeration (that is what has kept me reading for 5+ years, which she has to be congratulated for). However, this post sits as uncomfortable, especially given deaf people don't have full access to this website. :-/
316. Jennifer said:
I just read this post outloud to my officemates... we laughed so hard one girl almost peed her pants.
I had to take an relay call once when I worked for 1800flowers.com. The customer was angry and the words were angry words but they were spoken in a monotone voice as you described. It was like a scene from the Far Side.
You rock,
jennifer
317. Anonymous said:
I "spoke" with someone once that was using a relay service. After the service had properly relayed the information they were supposed to and informed me that the person using the service had ended the call, I politely asked the converasation bridge how his day was going and if he enjoyed conversing for others. His reply:
"I am not allowed to discuss personal aspects of my life."
Glad I didn't ask if he was wearing boxers or briefs.
318. Parsing Nonsense said:
That is a pretty stunning level of commitment to one's job. It would be even better if they did it using ASL. I reckon someone would lose an eye and/or a hand that way. It would be the most furious silence ever.
319. emmysuh said:
I still think it's CRAZY that you get such insane hatemail! Everyone I know adores you, and I personally think you're a fantastic writer who is a good mom but you still manages to be yourself, which is witty, and smart, and sometimes cynical. I hate reading those mean comments because I think you are awesome. I'm glad that you are above and beyond it all to think they're funny.
320. Elizabeth said:
I worked as a Relay CA for almost 3 years. Ah, the stories I could tell... When I interviewed for the job, besides the typing test, I had to take a profanity test. I passed with flying colors.
321. Mishi said:
A relay officer? That's crazy! I feel so bad for that poor receptionist. I've definitely been in her shoes. I can't imagine how you resisted reacting - overhearing conversations on speaker always makes me want to laugh. A lot.
322. Katie said:
If I can't read the letters myself, I suggest you film yourself reading them with all the emotion you can muster.
Also? Thank GOD you have some clothes on the floor somewhere--otherwise your house makes me want to take explosives to mine.
323. Sharon Reynolds said:
I really don't get why people leave you those negative comments. I mean, sure you're a whore--just kidding. I really don't get it. It's a funny website about the life of a real mom.
I know when I have kids, I'm not going to automatically grow a halo, some wings and a british accent. I don't plan on losing my personality and becoming a nun (unless it's a really funny nun--cause some of them crack my shit up!) just because a little human escaped from between my legs.
Showing that you're real, that you have faults, and that some of those faults make you pretty awesome is a great way to build a child's confidence and to teach them the importance of being themselves.
Not that you have faults--uhhh (so nervous)...
Point: Mom's have personality too.
P.S. My captcha words to type are "Narva Squirted". I don't know what that means, just that I'm grossed out.
END SCENE
324. Betsy said:
My favorite post of all time. Thank you (for the laughs and everything else)!
325. Sara Roo said:
I can't believe people actually say things like that to you... what else I cannot believe is that PEOPLE STILL DO NOT KNOW WHEN TO USE YOUR versus YOU'RE...
that one insult "Your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel." What a cliffhanger! Your nothing dot dot dot YOUR NOTHING WHAT?!?!? Say it!!! sheesh.
Oh and I think you're great, I love you. :O)
326. MarkR said:
Im with you. Fuck the mormons. I hate them as much as you do.
327. CarlyK said:
Hey Heather- I know i'm like the zillionth person to comment, which is why I usually resist the urge to do so when I read your blog because I figure you won't get around to reading it anyway, but screw all that hate mail. I don't understand if someone doesn't like you why they would not only take the time to read your blog, but then write you a letter, waste their money and saliva to put it in envelope and stamp it, and then send it to you.
Anyway, regardless, I love your blog. I love you. I love your honesty. I'm not a mother yet, I'm still in college, but you've made me feel a lot better about becoming one if I ever do. And you give me a good laugh every once in a while when I'm at work where I intern and everyone is getting laid off and it's very depressing. Wish I could start such a successful blog!
328. Lacy said:
OMG- I forget how awful people can be. I wonder why they even read if they are just going to say ugly things? WOW- WOW- that is just not ok! I appreciate your candid honesty in all matters, carry on!
329. Lene said:
I'm app;ying. After the week I've had, it'd be therapeutic, cathartic, all that good stuff. Especially fond of "a dirty piece of whiny drivel". And the hugging it out, beer and laughing would be a decided perk.
330. Kami Lewis Levin said:
I know this is beside the point, but I can't help wondering why the receptionist took the call on speakerphone. I mean, is there truly no peace? What about waiting room etiquette?
331. Solo Dot Mom said:
This is great. Your hate mail is better than a 1980's sitcom and your sense of humor in sharing it tops the charts.
It goes without saying you are loved, and your blog is a must read on many people's lists.
Thanks again for your humorous banter... If only I could bring that much entertainment to my readers.
332. Dawn said:
You got fired for being a stupid whore?
I have totally misconstrued the mandate of your previous employer.
333. LeAnn said:
I LOVE your website!!! I have a VERY stressful job and at least once a day, I get cussed by a veteran that desperately needs an increase on their medication, so I get online, just to chill for a sec, and read your daily post. They ALWAYS make me smile!!! I, too, am a mommy and I can SO relate to the things your daughter has to say and do. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face and making me just CHILLAX for a few!!!
334. Nathan said:
I feel compelled to point you to one of my favorite webcomics, XKCD: http://xkcd.com/481/
335. Katie in TX said:
Just wanted to let you know that I bought your book and I can hardly get through each page for laughing so hard. Good job!
336. Erin said:
I love reading your blog but when oh when are you going to stop dedicating posts to your hate mail? We don't want to read it either. Set up a spam filter and be done with it.
337. SusannahS said:
We recently had an incident outside of Little Rock (AR) where an at-home child care operator somehow confused antifreeze with Kool Aid (yeah, I know, right?) and served antifreeze to the kids. Fortunately the kids didn't ingest much and were rushed to the hospital for tests...but after the incident made the news and newspapers, the babysitter received threatening phone calls including one thru a RELAY OPERATOR. Seriously?? Does the relay operator have a civic duty to report terroristic threatening?! I know it shouldn't be funny but it kinda is.
I don't think this relay operator really emoted though.
338. Maria said:
My husband does the pat down with every jacket, pair of pants, etc. Glad to know I'm not the only one waiting while the hubby has to find keys or a wallet EVERYTIME we go somehwere.
339. Hanasu said:
Heeeey!!! Pick ME! I would perform like a BI-OTCH!!! Hehehe...
340. Leesavee said:
I would like to nominate my husband's grandmother for the position. She's 84 and takes no sh*t from anyone. Not to mention that she's hilarious and has a deceptively filthy sense of humor. Grammie would ROCK the job!
341. Callie said:
That is a bloody brilliant idea. I think you should have a couple of people to do it, as one person spewing such bile is bound to get a tummy-ache.
Then, after the hugs, rather than a beer, I suggest shots. Once you're able to, naturally.
342. JP said:
I am always so offended by the the lack of care people put in their hate mail/comments. Do they proof-read nothing?
At the very least they could learn the difference between YOUR and YOU'RE. Seriously! Hate with some (educated)class, people...
343. Lee said:
Heather--
Please give me the job...I can rant along with the best of them.....Give me my dream profession of being a professional kvetcher....It would get me off unemployment and Im a legal alien, too. You don't even have to provide health insurance....We could be so good together.....
pleeease
PS I think I actually just peed myself laughing
344. Sarah RV said:
I am sure highlighting the nasty comments was not a total plea for compliments on your part, but reading them created an urge to lavish at least a little honest praise. I read your blog because it is witty, bold and sympathetic. I could beat all your detractors in arm wrestling. Go, you!
345. Lynn @ human, being said:
You gotta love it that people CARE ENOUGH about your blog to write you hate mail. Ah, the price of celebrity.
346. BoatSailor said:
I would love having the Internet-to-Dooce Relay Operator job. If considered I would sell myself based on a couple of qualifying factors. First is volume (I'm LOUD). Next, is coffee breath. :~) But, I could only be really mean and fully emote if I knew you WANTED me to.
Really I want the corollary position of Dooce-to-Troll Relay Operator. The poisiton would involve hunting down trolls and hating them back for you. Ahhh, now that'd be real FUN!
Love your site, keep up the good work.
347. 35&Single said:
WHINEY DRIVEL!! you are awesome :)
damn the man!
348. Jen said:
Wow! I had no idea that bloggers got hate mail? How can anyone take the time to write and yell at you for your opinions? Isn't a blog just supposed to be somewhat of a journal of your life? Things that you want to share about yourself? I guess it must be nice to take the good letters with the bad letter though. I can't believe people write that stuff!
Jen
349. skideewink said:
OK can I SKYPE in from Northern Texas, maybe even with a guest appearance by GEORGE?? BTW I too a facebook quiz: ANd I am a LIBERAL MORMON, am I qualified? And my house smelled like the dreaded cassarole fart after we feed the Boy Scouts last night, GROSS!
Smoochies, (not hugs)
Dee
350. sarah said:
Wow, what sad people those hate emailers are. I happen to think you are delightful and funny and a great, loving and "real" mom.
351. mpotter said:
my sister worked as a relay operator.... b/c she's nosy.
seriously that's why she did it. loved every bit of it. well, except when they called phone sex lines. (do they still have those?)
every time i read your posts about all the hate mail you get, i think the same thing: why in the world are these idiots reading your site if you suck so badly? and who in the hell would take the time to tell you so??
pretty comical.
love when they're full of grammatical errors as well.
352. Katie said:
I'm eight months pregnant and I may have just wet my pants reading this. Either that, or I seriously need to get to the hospital to deliver a baby... You never can be too sure...
~ Katie
353. Anonymous said:
I answer the phone for a living, and I have come to realize that it's easy for the public to take all their frustrations out on someone on the phone when they can't see them in person. People can be really rude, and unfortunately, since our jobs are on the line, we can't not be rude back. It just really sucks, but there are some really sucky people in this world. I have to remember that, at 5pm, i leave my job and go home to a wonderful husband and kiddo, but the sucky people are like that all the time. Makes my day anyway, otherwise, I would be in a permanent bad mood.
PS I think it's horrible that people say those horrible things to you.
354. sarah said:
wow. i cannot believe people leave such horrid comments. i love your blog and think you are a stellar mom.
355. Sarah said:
I barely have time to write and tell you you're funny. I can't imagine taking the time to criticize your parenting and call you a whore. That's dedication. I feel inadequate.
356. Brandi said:
Oh, I am so qualified for this position.
I am LDS, but I'm a convert and from the East coast, so I'm not one of THOSE kinds of Mormons. ;)
Anyway, I have a blog, and I have posted some things that others in my ward have found "questionable."
Then I posted about sex, somewhat graphically (though not pornographically).
All hell broke loose this week. My bishop called in my husband (not me, my husband)to discuss my wayward behavior, I've received threats that people will report me for child molestation and other ridiculous things. My ward members are so Christ-like like that.
It got to the point that I had to turn off the comments and temporarily shut my blog down (I have a readership of about 2000 a day, so shutting down has sucked considerably.)
All because a recommend holding girl talked about S-E-X. (And told all the women to go shave their hoo-ha's immediately.)
Anyway, I think I have the experience needed to fill the job requirements. :)
~Brandi
http://douglassdiaries.blogspot.com/
357. Tammy said:
I'm so glad you are able to seperate yourself from the horrible comments. Would hate to see those few idiots stop you from posting. I'm a fairly new reader and quickly became addicted. Keep on Keeping on Sister!
358. Elizabeth said:
Thank goodness you have a wonderful sense of humor. I don't know if I could handle all that spitting pent up rage from crazy radicals every day. Keep doing everything you're doing. Bout fell over laughing today. Reading your stories make my day so much better! Thank you!
359. Somer said:
Seriously? I think you DID just figure out how to fix that whole a-hole commenter thing. Hurry up and monetize that!
360. Leslie said:
Heather, I just want you to know that I love your website. I check it every day. I love the way you see things. I love your photographs of Chuck and Coco, and especially of Leta. I wish I could meet Coco.
361. Erin @ Things Moms Like said:
Hey, I'll do it! I have a teenager, so I've been the bearer of bad news for quite a while.
362. EverydayGoddess said:
"Warm casserole fart"... I just LOVE the language around here. It's gorgeously descriptive!
363. Jen said:
As far as the hate mail people are concerned, I just don't understand them when it comes to commentary on a site such as this. If they dislike coming here so much they should just leave and let the rest of us enjoy your site. I get a good laugh out of the people who feel so determined to be hateful. They are the ones who need to get a life.
364. Sabrina said:
Too bad Coco can't read. I think she'd be perfect for this.
365. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
Description of Jon’s get ready routine: Entertaining
Relay operator/Receptionist phone call story: Hilarious
Pokin' a little fun of the Mormons: PRICELESS!
366. Sarah said:
The hate mail you get is unbelievable, yet so hilarious. It would be so so awesome if you added a Daily Hate Mail to go along with the Daily Chuck, Photo & Style!!!
367. Karen Putz said:
Praise the guts on that caller for trying to make some changes! I look forward to the day when I can access every TV show on every station at every hour.
368. Kristi said:
I've been to bored.com. It's really not that interesting.
And it's a crying shame that the people who dislike your website don't have the willpower to just NOT READ IT. You love your daughter, you do your best, you ask for help when you need it. This fulfills almost all the criteria of a great mom. Now, if you buy her a pony and let her go to sleep-away camp, you're in.
If you need a hug in Virginia- just call. Have minivan stuffed full of carseats, books, crayons and snacks- will travel.
369. Lisa said:
I'm sort of with Allison on this one. While I find the whole post funny and I don't think Heather intended to offend anyone who was hard of hearing/deaf I can understand her frustration. I'm hearing impaired (I wear a cochlear implant) and I also cannot watch the Momversation videos (very very aggravating!) due to lack of closed captioning,it's really frustrating but I don't think Heather herself directly has control over whether that happens or not. It's hard to deal with ANY disability getting angry at Heather isn't going to relieve those feelings, only make them worse.
370. Anonymous said:
I had not heard of your blog until seeing the online clip of the interview you did. You are refreshing and delightful. I added your blog to my bookmarks!
371. B. Nicole said:
Hiring a relay operator is an excellent idea. However, I think this person should be used to send video replies to those who are anti-dooce. You'll need someone who can say fuck off is several different languages. Sadly, I'm under qualified for the job.
372. LaLicenciada said:
This was HYYYYSSSSTTTEERRRICAL!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it!
374. Susan said:
Having worked as a relay operator, I can't express to you enough how embarrassing it is to have to relay that sort of crazy shit. On one end of the phone you have a poor person doing their best to help and on the other you've got CRAZY DEAF GUY WHO CAN'T BE REASONED WITH. It doesn't help that CRAZY DEAF GUY usually types about 8 words per minute. The rage in the relay operator's voice was surely her own, thrown out at the poor TV Studio secretary because it was impossible for her to crawl through the phone and throttle CRAZY DEAF GUY. Also, I'd like to apply for that job. :)
375. ma2one said:
Sweet Heather,
It's time to learn some real NYC style self preservation.
Please tell people who send you nasty emails to:
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Send this in a mass emailing exposing all their addresses to each other.
hehe!
loving you from NY,NY
376. dooce said:
Alison,
I really appreciate you leaving a comment on my post. I can only imagine how frustrated you must be with situations like the one I described. A few points of clarification:
Several people have written to me to ask if I can get the Momversation videos subtitled or captioned. I have passed on this request EVERY SINGLE TIME to the person who would be able to make that happen. I have absolutely no control over this aspect of the video and am doing my best to see that your needs are heard.
As far as my book tour and speaking engagements go, again, I have no control over whether or not those events are accessible to deaf people. They are always planned and executed by someone other than myself and I am at the mercy of the company or conference in charge. Going forward, however, I plan to put in a request to make this happen. Thank you for helping me to understand the need for this.
As far as the angry caller and whether I found her tone to be excessive, again, I understand that you are fed up and beyond frustrated. However, I'm not so certain that yelling or telling someone to shut up solves anything or helps communicate your needs. Having worked on the receptionist's end of the conversation, I am now always really careful about how I speak to people who work customer service because I remember wanting to help someone more when they were civil with me. Common courtesy, whether you're blind or deaf or neither, goes a really long way.
377. Stenar said:
I'm really sorry for all the hate mail you get. But I want to let you know that I really love your blog and I'm glad you write it. You're a wonderful writer. :)
378. Kristina said:
"Your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel."
I read this as being "Your nothing but a dirty piece of white devil." Which sounds like a delicious cake! Dirty White Devil Cake! With Slut!Whore! ice cream on the side! And of course, lots of whipped cream. If you know what I mean.
I honestly think you should get Capucine to read that stuff out to you - not translated, just have her read the emails out phonetically. Can you imagine how cute "Get a life idiot! You got fired for being a stupid whore!" would sound from a French toddler? I can't, because I just blew my own mind.
379. Michelle said:
It's so refreshing to know that I'm not the only one who thinks that the Mormon religion is just a money hogging cult.
380. sarah w. said:
How lame. I love that you have a sense of humor about it, though.
Is there a bloggie equivalent word for road rage? Read rage? Web rage? Maybe these people have been sitting in their computer chairs too long and their hemmeroids are flaring.
381. PB Rippey/sleepless mama said:
I'd be a terrible relay operator, but here's what I'd say:
Your not a whore, your a good mother!
Your not a stupid b****, your a hot mama!
Your not a dirty piece of whiny drivel, your super!
Your a best-selling author, which doesn't come without some hard work! Good for your!
(I'm amazed the whiny drivel person didn't get the contraction, or didn't spell whiny "winey" at the very least)
382. treegrla said:
Who has time to send hate mail?
I don't even have time to do the dishes.
They must not do their dishes.
383. Tiggerlane said:
OMG...I am so ready for this. I could SO DO THIS.
I would be all Jennifer-Hudson-in-the-Sex-and-the-City-Movie in this job, and you wouldn't even have to buy me an expensive purse.
We had an F3 tornado destroy our town last week...and let me tell you, I have ALL SORTS of emotions to unleash!!
Tell you what, send me the email, and I'll record my delivery.
Ironically, my captcha words were "cankered genre."
384. Anonymous said:
The visual of the two of you burying your faces in your iPhone while listening, made me go into hysterics! My husband wanted in on the laughter, nothing on the Internet could be that funny! Sue! Sue! Sue! Ahahahahahaha!
385. LisaF said:
LOVED this one. I'm deaf and hate to use the Relay service. Interesting to "hear" that there are indeed operators out there who take their job seriously. Most of the ones I've dealt with have zero personality.
386. Suzanne said:
This is cracking me up for so many reasons.
1. Every Mormon church DOES smell the same! IT'S SO TRUE!
2. Why on earth didn't the receptionist pick up the handset?
3. It was a RELAY OPERATOR? Seriously? That's AWESOME.
387. Ami said:
You need 2 operators - one male, one female. You can't very well expect a male commenter to be insulted further by having his well thought out and articulate message screamed at you by a girl relay operator. They don't use a girl interpreter to translate the idiotic rants from certain foreign language-speaking male politicians.
388. chacha said:
I love how the person who wrote:
"Your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel."
thinks he/she is being all clever with the word "drivel" yet can't get his/her grammar straight.
389. Suzanne said:
I just became a follower, you are too funny. Trust me this is the job for me just ask my husband how far I can spit my F' S' and T' across a room when I come home from work and the house that I left clean look's like cockroach barbies dream home.
390. Shelly said:
That is great.. Being in Customer Service I do get relay calls from time to time but nothing that interesting..
391. Shan said:
With regards to your husband getting ready to go, yes. I know exactly what that's like.
392. ...love Maegan said:
BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA ...momons = smelly warm casserole farts.
fantastic.
393. Katie C. said:
Dooce,
Long-time reader, first-time commenter. Actually, I just started reading your weblog about a week ago, and I'm trying to start from 2001 and work my way to the present. I'm now in May 2003.
Anyway, when I saw the headline "Woman arrested at Britney Spears' home" on CNN, I swear I almost expected it to be an article about you! My next thought was, "At least I have six years of entries to read before the website is defunct." :)
394. Sarah C. said:
I was just crying to my sister because of a hate comment left on my blog today...again. The first came on Tuesday.
I couldn't help think to myself, "I wonder how Heather does it; I'd like to ask her that." I'm sorry people suck so bad. But I consider it a happy accident that you posted about this today; you were helping me and you didn't even know it!
395. Cranberry said:
I cannot believe the nasty comments you get Heather, I mean have these people such a sucky life themselves that they have to be mean and comment so negatively?! The only thing I can say is that they are JEALOUS of your life. Which is wonderful from what I can see. sheesh.
396. Garrett'sMom said:
I love your blog and I agree with what other's have had to say. If you don't like what is written on this site then why do you keep coming back? Get over it and move onto something else. I love how real you are!! Keep it up!!
397. jamie said:
I can get your humor, your sarcasm and wit. AND I'm Mormon.
Sometimes I get the feeling you DONT want me reading your blog though...
398. Anonymous said:
I give your blog an F for fucking awesome. So there.
399. Dorothea said:
Wow!All I can say to that is these freaks have way too much time on their hands and an innate inability to write humor.Fuck 'em and yes, the "F" word is my favorite too!
Dorothea
400. buy pc said:
Wonderful post! In fact, this is the most I have laughed in a long time. You are such an excellent story teller. Have you written a book Dooce?
Thank you.
401. SuzieQ said:
Having worked in a call center for 9 years after retirement from chemical research I am the perfect choice for the position. The solution to an angry, screaming, cursing person is to kill them(I really mean piss them off) with kindness.. In my southern accent I can be so soothing, understanding and emphathetic with a BIG SMILE in my voice that the caller, in frustration because they can't choke me through the phone, slams down the phone...Oh what satifaction that is!!
402. karen said:
a warm casserole fart. that is hilarious.
i could read your hate mail like the soup nazi or in a lively scottish accent if you prefer.
oh oh ... you could send hate mailers a complimentary box of Dooce's Warm Casserole dinner mix so they stink up their own house. Dooce's Warm Casserole Dinner Mix. Approved by Chuck. i'm going to think about this some more ... i'm on to something here ...
403. denise karis said:
my goodness, I love everything about this website. You got fired for being a STUPID WHORE! Thats almost as bad as 'two words: lame' - you're one of the brightest parts of my day, heather! xoxoxoxo :)
404. JohnnyB said:
Steve Allen (you may be too young to know who he is) used to say that people writing letters to the editor of a newspaper were deprived of their impact if you did not read their letters out loud with all the emotion they put into them. So he devoted a segment of his talk show to doing just that. It was hilarious. He would enjoy this post.
405. Liz said:
I work for a call center and take calls from Directv customers and have encountered many relay operators. I think they are unemployed actors because I totally agree that they speak with great emotion. I giggle every time and I feel like telling them tone it down a bit, its not oscar worthy. Oh the stories I could tell. Most of my day is spent dealing with men trying to delete their purchase history of porn so their wife won't see it. Guess what??? It can't be done, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
406. Jeannine said:
oh Heather. You're an awesome writer and, from what I gather, a great mama. hugs. am I hired???!!!
407. Lhonari said:
Public Enemy said it best - Don't Believe the Hype when it comes to hate e-mails.
Unfortunately, the Internet does not have an Idiot Filter (at least, not yet!)
408. megan said:
at least you got a new tagline for next month: dirty piece of whiny drivel
409. annie said:
hi!
reading this post actually made me happy. i am deaf myself and i often use video relay services. i was thrilled to read that the video interpreter is doing her job oh-so-FABULOUSLY! that's exactly what we, deaf people, expect our interpreters to convey because obviously, we can't express our emotions through the phones ourselves.
i shared this post on my facebook page and i am friends with a lot of interpreters. all of them LOVED this post. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS POST! :-)
410. Catina said:
Isn't it funny, no matter how many people praise us, tell us how good we are - it seems we only focus on the negative - it is what matters to us the most? I'm sorry those people said terrible things about you. The good thing about the internet is: It gives everyone a voice - the bad thing about the internet is: It gives everyone a voice - even the idiots. I've noticed women can be more sensitive to criticism/negativity than men as well. That damn estrogen gets us every time - but if we we were not caring, we could not nurture the babies.
Please keep up the good work.
Catina
New Fan, Recovering Mormon, BYU Outcast (I refused to be a sheep!) *LOL*
411. Taylee said:
For the Love PLEASE let me do that for you! Not only am I a fantastically enthusiastic reader of negativity and hate, but I also adore beer. It'd be pretty great.
412. Catie said:
I totally apply. I'm tired of biting my tongue while talking to high schoolers. I would serve with enthusiasm, as much as I love you and your column.
413. Catie said:
Plus my dog looks exactly like Chuck and could provide humorous photo ops.
414. Jill said:
Do people TRULY actually say those things on here?! Now, Honey, that's just sad.
I appreciate the fact that not everyone agrees with everyone, and I might someday not agree with a stand you take, but either way, I (and several of my friends) truly enjoy what you have to say, what you share about your family and dogs (ha!), and I think you are a beautiful person inside and out. I just want you to hear some good words today since apparently you get the pleasure of hearing ugly words on occasion, too. Yuck.
Thanks for sharing the way you do.
Props!
415. nitebyrd said:
You're brilliant! Wonderful idea. LOL
416. Marji said:
A relay operator throwing herself into her work, absolutely the funniest thing I've tried to hear in my mind in like forever. That is going right up there in my little cache of things that make me chuckle out of nowhere right along with the passengers twirling around on the luggage carousel in Airport! And you know of course which particular religious entity owns the company that operates that particular CBS affiliate, so they come by the smell naturally, all that's lacking it a certain huge ass portrait of a famous tortured visage praying like hell in Gethsemane hanging in a place of prominence in the lobby to complete the scene. We recovering Mo's need hand signs and signals too.
417. Cindylou said:
I am stunned that people say such things about you! I find you completely brilliant and fabulous in every way. And I think you're a great mom too.
Hey, maybe Leta and my daughter can share a therapist someday, because your conversations sound uncannily like ours! :)
418. Michelle said:
I'm baffled - like, mouth agape, scratching my head baffled - that someone thinks YOU are the reason not everyone should be allowed to have kids. Unbelievable.
419. Jessica Hopper said:
As a 32 year old former Mormon who knows exactly the smell you are describing...I would totally apply for this job. Hey, I teach Middle School - and I have angry parents yell at me all the time...I can handle nasty emails.
Why are people so mean, Heather?
I'm sorry.
Jess
420. Anonymous said:
This blog sucks ass. Seriously, is this the kind of content that's supposed to keep me coming back? I don't want to read about kids and caserole farts. I want to read about slutty MILF whores who screw their husbands all the time.
421. Anonymous said:
Whoah, that came off as mean. I take it back, except the part about wanting to read about husband-fucking MILFs more.
422. Jenny, Crash Test Mommy said:
I WOULD apply for the position, but I really think preference should be given to someone from the Mormon church.
Just saying.
423. Dee said:
Hhmm my husband says I smell really well. Well, not good.
My sense of smell is real sharp you see, so since you have so many apps for the relay op position, how about choosing me as the smell tester before you go take your interviews?
I can smell a Catholic from a mile, Mormons I'd have to take a whiff first.
Dooce you are FABULOUS!!
424. just sayin' said:
. . ."meaning this was a person hired to communicate for a deaf person."
Dude, deaf people can and do communicate en solo. It's just way harder when other peeps cannot see their language (over the phone,)or, as is most often the case, don't know ASL.
425. dancadorisi said:
wow very nice website !
426. Julie Stafford said:
Holy Crap!! I only started reading this site a few weeks ago. It seems that I've missed a lot of backstory!! One night when I have nothing else to do and I'm settled comfortably into bed i'm going to go back to the beginning of your web postings and figure out what all the fuss is about.
As my father always used to say..... If they're not talking about you, you've done nothing interesting.
Way to go!!
428. Jessica said:
Hey Heather,
There was an article on cnn.com about your interview with Oprah! Here's the link, but I'm sure you already have it. You are so incredible and I still can't believe I have been reading and enjoying your blog for over 5 years now! I was reading you before Leta was born! Congrats on the new addition btw. Sorry i just realized how many !!!! I used..my bad...
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/04/17/o.truth.about.motherhood/i...
429. gorky said:
Just tell Jon we have his wallet and keys.
All of us. Collectively. We're like gremlins...
430. Amber said:
As 'fuck' is one of my favorite words, I feel like I could easily work as your relay operator. I'm also available since the public school I work for just decided English teachers are no longer needed.
432. Catch Pregnancy said:
This is really a great practice. Everyone should learn from it. (Mike)
434. Lori E said:
What on earth are these people thinking? Actually we don't want to know. Some things are best left to the imagination because the reality is scary.
435. Nessa said:
Job applicant number 5,079:
I can provide a reference from my 6 year old -
"Wow Mum, you are Really Good at telling off."
I think I could handle the walking round the block part, I have found myself round the bend many a time and quite familiar with it - and definitely excel at beer-grabbing. Years experience.
I have good supply of helpful responses that can be used in any situation:
poo poo wee wee sick and blood -
you can have that one for free.
Big love from Leeds, England, UK
You Rock
(gosh, I'm getting carried away and turning all American)
Your whiny drivel is jolly splendid x x
436. libby said:
I am now really worried, I can't smell that "mormon scent". I don't wanna smell like casserole fart. ;(. You have however piqued my interest in being a relay operator, that would freaking rock to yell at the deserving for someone who can't... my style of compassion. :)
437. Without Sanity said:
...Yeah, I definitely think you can chalk the hate mail up to jealousy of your success.
Most especially, if those are the kinds of hate mail comments you get - since they all appear to be epic grammatical failures.
On topic, I am in an administrative support position and get calls like that all the time... Apparently, the Attorney General himself has been called and given my name numerous times. ::eye roll::
438. melissa said:
did this start happening after you expressed your view on vaccinations? i find it mind boggling that people could possibly hate you in any way shape or form.
439. Rissa said:
Heather, check out "fmylife.com" ...hilarious and heartfelt posts about embarrassing, burning crap. It's entertainment for sure. I think you'd like it!
440. Lauren said:
My mom has always said that anyone who criticizes you is jealous. Same applies here. You, Heather, took a bad situation and made it into a lifestyle. You are fortunate to have a supporting family and amazing husband who have been there for you through it all. And now, you get the last laugh...because...well, who's a bestselling author? That's right, you are.
My mom is smart. And she is also very happy to receive her signed copy of your latest book this week. :) Thanks for that.
441. Andrew (on behalf of my wife) said:
Dear Heather B
My wife and I have are Vancouverites who have been loving the 'f-grade' out of your website for years. We're currently teaching in high schools in South Korea, and today I'm at her school. I found a note on her desktop named dooce.txt. It was sitting there last month when I visited her school too.
I'm assuming she'll never get around to sending it (she's a bit of a procrastinator... and a chicken), so, I'm just gonna go ahead and paste it in this here box. Enjoy fan mail from my wife.
---------------------------
Dear Your Awesomeness,
If I were to tell you all the things I appreciate about your website, it would be far too gushy, and might make me look like some kind of crazy person. So, suffice it to say, I like EVERYTHING about what you do through your blog. And I don't even have kids!
Keep up the good writing, the beautiful/interesting pictures, the slick lay-out, the honesty, the mommy-love, the wifey-love, the mastheads (by the way, March is one of my favorites), the videos, the funny things, and the insightful things.
Thanks for making the internet a pleasant place to visit from time to time.
Sincerely,
Cheryl from Canada (but currently in Korea)
442. LAURinfamous said:
OMG, you just made my day. Mormons and Mormon churches totally do have an um, distinct and unique smell.
443. JodySuh said:
My sister hipped me to this post bc I used to answer phones at a local NBC affiliate in KENTUCKY. I was regularly told my unborn children would go to hell over Days of Our Lives etc. Baptists.
444. Nessje said:
Ooh ooh, let your readers loose on some hatemail, it'd be great! We could read it to you via video in a manner and style of our choosing, and with suitable props, accents and (most importantly) mustaches. We could all be your relay operator.
445. Mariah said:
This is totally off topic.
BUT - I was watching the neverending story yesterday and Sebastian, the little boy in the movie is the SPITTING IMAGE OF LETA!!!!!!!
446. Reé said:
Hello. I don't believe I've ever commented on your journal before except, perhaps, to enter into a drawing for a giveaway. I'm not very good with commenting on other people's journals, really, as it's always struck me as oddly disconcerting that my opinion about someone else's life should even matter.
That said, I decided to take today to thank you for the years of entertaining journal-reading you've provided me and the rest of your readers. You've made me laugh, you've made me cry, you've made me think. Most of all, through living out parts of your life here, you've encouraged me to think about and appreciate my own.
Thank you for that. Thank you very much.
447. loving mommy said:
Can't believe you don't cherish motherhood. Raising my children were the best years of my life. Sorry you missed out on this. If I had to do all over again I would have 4 instead of 2.
448. transatlantic twin said:
Dooce - cheers for sending on the comments re captioning the momversation. I have given up trying to access it, it's nice to hear your accent and watch your gums banging together even if I don't actually know what you are saying. As a Deafie I enjoy reading blogs and that's what I'm here for, if you put up inaccessible material I will draw your attention to it and then ignore it and carry on enjoying your blog. It is a pain in the arse to keep having to remind people that podcasts and videos are inaccessible and that with a bit of thought they could easily bemade accessible. There is a free service on You Tube for vids less than 5 mins, I'd have loved for yours on the Edamame to have been captioned but enjoyed looking round your house and watching Jon cook.
Whatever, lets move on.
449. Kitty said:
Ha! I just want to round up all of these people who feel the need to take time out of their day to tell you that you are pathetic/a whore/boring/the anti-christ and see what they look like. I bet they are ridiculously pathetic themselves. Honestly guys, if you don't like it, move on.... You know, unless telling me I look fat in a certain dress makes you feel better about be a giant lump of lard. Then by all means.
I love your very special brand of humor, and I would personally pay to see you take on the personified version of your hate mail.
450. CRUSTYMOM said:
How many people have requested that you take them in these comments? If you were going to say 445, then add one more because I'm willing to take the work. After all, I can't stand up for myself, but if someone messes with my family I'll bite their douchehat asses off.
THis is my new favorite of yours..(must be the reference to the TTD)
451. Danielle said:
Classic!
452. Amy in MN said:
"dirty piece of whiny drivel" should be your next tagline.
Funny.
453. Heather said:
Well, I for one just hate it that you get so much hate mail. You and Jon are great parents, Leta is wonderful, Chuck and Coco are gems, and I CAN'T WAIT to see how the new baby mixes things up.
454. Anonymous said:
#267,
Missing the point completely.
Why get angry with a receptionist who has ABSOLUTELY ZERO CONTROL over the captions? I understand that it is frustrating when something like that happens and situations such as that should be rectified immediately, but bitching out the person who has no control over fixing it, is stupid and abusive.
That's the point.
$5 please.
455. Anonymous said:
Also, Allison, Heather doesn't run Momversation, she just guest spots on there.... Once again, mis-directed.
you should probably go bitch on their comments.
456. mac said:
Hi Heather, please hire me.
I firmly believe and confirm that I am the perfect candidate for this job.
After all, I've a reputation (of being very good at scolding absolute strangers on the bus, on the train, walking on the road or simply just breathing the air around me) widely known amongst family, friends, relatives and colleagues.
Besides not requiring any onboarding/training, I'm Asian, isn't it a law that you need to hire Asians? ONLY? Something about racial equality? And, also, I'm from Singapore, since when did you ever know anyone from Singapore? I could be the very first! Make me the first!
In order to prove my sincerity to be your assistant, I will throw in some free mandarin lessons for Leta and that piece of meat in your tummy for some good measures.
Deal or No Deal?
kthxbye.
Mac FTW.
457. Christine F. said:
That is hilarious. Can't say that I would've shown the same restraint as that woman.
By the way - I finished your book yesterday. It was wonderful. I laughed and cried and thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Regards and please keep writing books,
Christine