• mijke

    Reading the Grapes of Wrath last night, I came to the bit where Ma says of Rose of Sharon, “‘Course she is. Girl with a baby always gets prettier.” And I thought, whoa, that can’t be true, can it? Surely being bloated and tired all the time can’t make a woman look better? And then I saw this post. Dooce, you’re stunning. Hotter than usual, even. Also, that shirt is a really nice colour on you. Congrats!

  • http://joshmarcieandbattlestar.blogspot.com Marcie

    Contrary to what Daddy Scratches said, you DO make me miss the pregnancy and newborn years. I loved all that!

    This is one of the funniest posts I remember reading. Maybe I enjoyed pregnancy because I never had a friend, Fred.

    And holy crap, you look fantastic. Congrats!

  • http://www.youmeandfivebucks.com s.i.

    When I was pregnant, one night my husband found me crying while watching What Not to Wear.

    Hubby: What’s wrong?

    Me: These twins are getting a free $5000 makeover and they’ve just been complaining the whole time.

    Hubby: And it’s bothering you?


    He just paused, looked at the TV then back at me, and then slowly backed away from the crazy pregnant woman.

  • Anonymous

    Oh Heather, you’re so gorgeous and you remind me of why I loved being pregnant……no boundaries! I could cry, scream, whine, whatever and thoroughly loved it! Being squashed by baby flesh was so cool! Temporary! That was my mantra. ohmmmmmm. Then it was over, my baby’s 15, hysterectomy 2 years ago, not ready for grandchildren but enjoyed the 9 months of growing a zygote! Not much longer for you, cry your heart out! Love it all! Teeemmmmpppooorrraaarrrryyyy!

  • Mandy

    God, I had that shit I’m having a baby moment – numerous times…I kept having them pretty much from 34 weeks onwards. They came in the form of early morning heebie jeebies.

    Now, I am on the other side and gave birth to my second son two weeks early! Actually, he still shouldn’t be born yet.

    I had a bathroom bawling moment two days ago, right on schedule for the three day post baby blues. A red eyed, frizzy haired harridan was staring back at me from the bathroom mirror. I was looking, teary eyed, at HUMUNGOUS boobs that were so engorged my rock like cleavage came up to my clavicle and just started bawling like a baby. Then for some reason I thought I’d see how my bum was doing and was greeted with the sight of a flower arrangement of grapes where my neat little anus should have been! I bawled even louder and called to my partner. Poor thing, he came to the door where I’m flashing my brown eye, screaming ‘Look! LOOK!’ His expression said it all.

    Only three days later it is such a different story, everything has gone down and I’m awash with the warmest of fuzzies for my gorgeous little boy Sweeney!

    All the best for the birth, I’m really, really enjoying your blog and the fact we have similar aged kids. The 5 year age difference is the best!

  • http://grafxnerd.tumblr.com Laura

    As several other people have said, that shirt goes perfectly with your eyes! Did you Photoshop it? :) Been reading through your site from the beginning for the first time, watching Leta grow, and even though I am only 23, it’s making my ovaries cry! This baby is going to be just as gorgeous as she was and still is!

  • http://ahugaroundtheneck.blogspot.com/2008/11/together-we-voted.html Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck

    During my last pregnancy, my 4 y.o. told me my protruding belly button looked like a nose on my belly. I put a band-aid over it when I had to dress-up and didn’t want a nose sticking out of my shirt.

    Good luck and congratulations!

  • http://twitter.com/ellzabelle Lizziepie

    Heather, we love you. Hang in there. You’re almost there sweetheart.

  • http://twitter.com/ellzabelle Lizziepie

    Heather, we love you. Hang in there. You’re almost there sweetheart.

  • http://dkphotographer.blogspot.com Denise karis

    I laughed so hard at this one that I started crying. Real tears. Poor heather – I hope your foot heals quickly and that no more tortilla chips break off!!

  • http://www.missivesfromsuburbia.blogspot.com Missives From Suburbia

    Forget about all the discomfort. I was just grateful to stop spilling things all over myself. Things like toothpaste, ketchup, contact lenses, my own drool… Pregnancy is so magical.

  • phylly3

    I just have to comment that either way it goes, your new child cannot miss in the gorgeous eyes department.

  • sparkyd

    Yep, I’m only at 31 weeks and I’ve had to fight back the occasional WTF? tear already. I have vivid memories of bawling my eyes out at kiddie music of all things towards the end of my first pregnancy. Anyhoo, this post made me laugh so hard that I did shed tears – but they were totally justified happy tears. The kind that do your soul good.

  • Jenn

    Well now that you put it THAT way, what the hell am I waiting for? This pregnancy thing is sounding like a such a blast! :-) Actually, I love your brutal honesty. That way, if and when I am blessed to be in your (probably one size up by now) shoes, I will know just how to describe the sensation of a foot kicking my cervix.

    Good luck and hang in there (or out, if you’re Fred)!

  • Jessica

    I somehow escaped the protruding belly button… a blessing which was not lost on me. Fred or no Fred, you look beautiful. I wish you comfort and calm for the next six weeks and beyond.

  • sparkyd

    OK, so I just commented a few minutes ago but that was before I read any of the other comments and I just had to add that I now have tears (of laughter) STREAMING down my face at some of the things other people wrote. Good stuff.

  • http://www.uptopdesigns.com Barbara

    This post really made me never want to get pregnant ever. By the way, you look awesome.

  • Lindsay

    Holy Mother of Crap this is the best post ever. I laughed so hard my husband thought something was physically wrong with me. I love it. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it today!

    Good luck on the next 6 weeks!

  • http://michellewillwin.blogspot.com Michelle

    Honestly, women shouldn’t look as good as you do during pregnancy. And, to be funny as well? It’s freakin’ wrong.

    But, you do look wonderful, happy and healthy. And, in spite of the hell that pregnancy can be, you are soon going to be Mommy to two gorgeous, beautiful, wonderous children.

    Tell Jon he shouldn’t laugh at you. He should be bowing down to you, enamored of your ability to produce a human being, to carry said human in your body for 10 months, and then to expel said child.

    Thanks for the smiles and laughs. Thinking of you over the next 6 weeks. The end is in sight…

  • Courtney

    Heather, you look fan-damn-tastic!

  • http://keeponsmyelin.blogspot.com/ Nico Blue

    Just have to say you look amazing!

  • http://www.snapfactory.com Diane

    But despite it all, Heather, that color blue is still *fantastic on you. So there’s that.

    and dude, yeah, I was totally eating dinner while reading this post.


  • Crystal

    You look beautiful and today’s chip cracking or toothpaste shirt is only one day.

    By the way … I live in Portland and I drove past Powell’s (world’s best bookstore) the other day and saw a poster for your book. It was exciting to see! Congrats!

  • Anonymous

    Have you had your iron level checked? Because I remember the same dang thing at the same time during both my pregnancies. Maybe it’s hormones, and maybe it’s iron…but it’s perfectly normal.
    I love your bb erection!

  • Lisa

    OMG, Heather…riotous. You are in fine form today, my friend. Thanks for the laughs. The belly button scene nearly made me wet myself. You rock.

  • Cheryl

    I was so moody with my second pregnancy, after the first one was an emotional piece of cake. I don’t know why it was so different, but I was a wreck. My poor, sweet, never-complaining husband worried about me, and we had the following conversations on more than one occasion:

    Him: What’s wrong?

    Me: I don’t know. It’s just that nothing makes me happy and everything annoys me.

    Him (gently): Is there anything I can do?

    Me (tersely and increasingly louder): NO. Because NOTHING makes me happy and EVERYTHING ANNOYS ME.


    Me: Oh man, I’m totally craving brownies.

    Him: Do you want me to go to the store and get some?


    Poor guy. He just couldn’t win. He never complained once while I was pregnant, but now, six years later, I love to drop random references to wanting another baby just to see him break out into a sweat.

  • http://spattering.wordpress.com Spattering

    Does Fred need a friend. Mine popped out early and still hasn’t gone back in after 4.5 months. I think it is here to stay.

    I’m a long time reader, first time commenter. How in the world do you find time to read all of the comments you get on your posts?

  • Catherine McP

    Your gonna be just fine Honey!! Fred or not. If it makes you feel better, just throw the damn toothbrush at the wall.

  • http://www.wesitbyfire.com Laura Lee

    Dang Dooce. You are funny as shit. Plus, you are such a pretty preggers. Lucky girl. Hang in there with the crying try and relax into it. Your face will hurt less.
    Know this: I think you are getting funnier and funnier with each passing month, so you got that going for you, too.
    Plus, your skins is gorgeous. What’s the deal with that? The lighting is beautiful in these pics, but your tummy looks like it has China Doll skin.
    I sported an erection-style belly button from about 6 months on in my pregnancy. It was lovely. It made me giggle because it really did make other people behave in awkward ways. They either got a kick out of it, stared with slack jaws, or were visibly disgusted. Thankfully, no one ever barfed on my belly-b.
    I also broke my toe at about the 6 month mark and it hurt like a mo-fo. I actually jumped out of bed to catch a small child falling from a great height (a pregnant dream/hallucination). No real child, no real height. Just a very real wall and door jam. I rammed that toe right into the wall. Thankfully my foot hit the wall first, before my face. That would have probably sucked even more.
    So I ramble.
    Thanks a million for continuing to be funny and for having good taste in wall paper.

  • http://hopelds.blogspot.com Hope

    You are bringing back memories. Some horrible ons.

    During my second pregnancy, with a 15-month old already, I drove from Kansas to Michigan and back – then moved from Kansas to Los Angeles – then moved to Arizona for five months – then drove up to Oregon, back down to Los Angeles, flew to Atlanta, then New York, then Frankfurt – then drove to Dusseldorf – and end up having my second girl at a British military hospital outside of Mochengladbach, West Germany.

    I kept asking my husband to explain why again he had re-enlisted with the military.

    Just keep reminding yourself that 1) anything in six months becomes a very funny story and 2) you are keeping a huge audience of us doce.com fans entertained.

    Thanks for sharing with all of us, and HANG IN THERE.

  • http://www.babytanous.blogspot.com Rachael

    If nothing else all of the tears will help reduce some of the swelling!! I can’t remember why I was crying, all I can remember is the first crying jag for no good reason happened to me in the middle of a mexican restaurant. Everyone was looking at me as I was trying to get myself back under control without luck. I think I cried the whole entire meal. My daughter turned 6 months a week ago and I still cry at random things; don’t know why that is… Someone else mentioned that their belly button never popped but was flush with their belly and they could not stop rubbing it because it was so soft-this was me too. You should get a cast of your belly done so you can torture Not Maria later.

  • Kelli

    You are the best! I loved reading this post. I am pregnant too and spent a good majority of this evening in tears. Damn the hormones and damn my protruding belly button!

  • http://www.sacredwillow.com christine

    OMG it’s the fragility of human life I swear! Not my hormones!!

    Girl I hold you in my heart as you approach having TWO…TWO…it’s so much more like herding then like parenting one.

    But then you have your sheep dog as a good example, learn from her…

    except don’t eat your childrens poop.

    did I say that? I’ve been reading dooce too long.

  • http://howdoyousay.blogspot.com/ faithstwin

    At least you don’t have an evil devil in your head like my evil Twin does…


  • http://uniquety.blogspot.com Eva

    I’m impressed that the toothpaste drool was able to reach the floor. I would have expected a 34 week belly to catch it all.

  • Anonymous

    Please tell me you’ve seen the whistling belly buttons on you tube. Pregnant-belly button fun for the whole fam damily.



  • CJ

    Your comment about the foot poking out simultaneously made me gag and cry laughing.

  • Ginessa

    Dude…I laughed so hard I think a little bit of pee came out.

  • Katy

    Some of my favorite girl names for one of my favorite people (that’s you!)


  • http://www.insanemombrain.blogspot.com insane mombrain

    The reason people are looking at Fred the protruding belly button is because you live in Utah, and that is a sure sign that you are not wearing your heavenly underwear. You shameless, godless hussy!!! I live here too, and they are also probably thinking that the poor child who is making Fred appear is not going to be blessed and then that child will have no name in heaven, and God won’t know who it is. My Grandmother was kind enough to relay all of this information to me, numerous times throughout each of my pregnancies.

  • Tammy

    Until today I have never known anyone other than my daughter (11) that has given their belly button a name. Perhaps Fred would one day like to meet Priscilla?! Just a warning, my daughter says Priscilla bites.

    Go ahead and cry, it makes the laughter that follows even better.

  • Margi


    I know this is TOTALLY off topic but seeing as I have 4 boys and only one girl, I love musing about names for girls. If I could have talked my husband into having another baby, and I had a girl, (I wouldn’t have) I was going to name her Savannah Grace.

    I was told my 2nd son was going to be a girl and i wanted to name him Sierra Marina..husband vetoed. He said it sounded like a Lake and I could use the name for a boat, but not a kid. But for the love of god, please don’t name the child Mararet. It is making a comeback, and with it, therapists are going to make a killing!

  • http://www.thechroniclesofnicole.blogspot.com/ Nicole

    Ah yes….I had a Fred too! Funny post! LMAO

  • Berkley

    You are hilarious!!! Every time I read your blog, I crack up. Thank you for the comic relif. And btw, you look amazing. I love your face in all the pictures. You dont look too enthused. ha ha

  • http://www.mandinka.etsy.com Mandinka

    Maybe it’s the hormones or something, but I think this pregnancy is seriously kicking your funny up a couple of notches.
    And that tortilla chip breakage thing makes me cry too.

  • http://theboldsoul.com The Bold Soul

    Well, you may have been trying not to cry while writing this, but I had a hard time not peeing (and I’m in the kitchen) while reading it! Particularly timely as my husband and I are in the process of trying to get me good and knocked up this weekend. I’m nearly 47 with no kids, and he’s 54 and has 3 kids already (20, 17 and 7) and every time I see a pregnant woman I’m all, “Geezus I must be nuts” but we still want to take our last chance to have a child together (we got married last July). So maybe in 7-8 months I’ll have a little gadget on my tummy telling me the turkey is nearly done.

    Anyway you look great. Really great. In spite of Fred.

  • http://www.skunkstripe.wordpress.com Megan in Munich

    :-) You cried about the t-shirt but not about the toe? Hormones sure are a fun rollercoaster ride. I wonder when junkies will clue in and start freebasing that sh!t. Crack appears to have nothing on this stuff.

    Good luck with the last few weeks! Home stretch…

  • http://aproposingenting.wordpress.com/ apropos

    I’m reading the book about your first time dealing with pregnancy and the blog about the second little dumpling at the same time. more or less. and between tears of laughter and sadness;I’m proud to be one of the few, it seems, women happy to be childless. it’s not for me. and I find kids to be annoying little monsters. sorry.
    but reading this blog for the last couple of years and getting to know Leta and the “new one”: if you ever decide to travel in Norway, I’ll babysit. all of them. I’ll even walk the dogs. why? because a daily dose of Dooce has made life a brighter and better place to be.

    signing off.

  • http://rebelmother.blogspot.com Rebel Mother

    It’s just your hormones making you cry. Not long to go now and your little bundle will be here soon. Nearly there…

  • http://dhofarigucci.blogspot.com/ Nadia

    You’re amazing. I love this post.