34 weeks
This week marked the HOLY SHIT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY point in my pregnancy:
If everyone could give a warm welcome to my good friend Fred, The Protruding Belly Button, he's crashing on our couch for the next six weeks. I didn't hear him knock or drop his suitcase in the living room or notice that he's been eating all our Lucky Charms. In fact, I had no idea he was here until Jon grabbed my shoulders one morning, looked me directly in the eyes and said, sweetie, I hate to even bring this up, but I think your belly's got an erection.
I'm resigned to his existence, and sometimes when I'm bored I like to wear really tight shirts in public and watch people try their hardest not to look at him. He's an evil third eye, a really gross physical abomination that demands attention, and when I notice that someone is actively trying to look elsewhere I'll start scratching my belly right next to him to give them an excuse to indulge in the fascination. GO AHEAD. LOOK AT IT. LOOOOOOK AT IT. LOOOOOOOOOOOK. You want me to lift up my shirt and start waving him back and forth? Because I totally will. No, really. Watch, if I bend over like this it looks like he's trying to say something. Hey, don't run away! Come back! My belly button just wants to talk to you!
Life at this point in pregnancy feels very crowded, meaning I frequently feel like I'm wedged between two people on the subway and am afraid to breathe because I might smell onions on their breath. I'm not sure the baby has dropped yet, and just when I think she's got her feet wedged up behind my ribcage she'll go scraping a body part against my cervix and I expect a foot to suddenly poke out from between my legs. I certainly hope you're eating lunch while reading this because there's nothing like the image of a tiny foot covered in blood and uterine juices to spice up a ham sandwich.
I'm also way more emotional than I have been in previous weeks, on the verge of tears all day long, and even now as I write this I'm trying not to cry. About what? Do you even have to ask that question? Yesterday it was because my tortilla chip broke into several pieces as I was dipping it into salsa. And then this morning I accidentally dripped toothpaste onto my shirt, and every attempt to wipe it off made the mess exponentially worse, and suddenly I'm standing there crying, the toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, drool and foaming toothpaste dribbling down my chin into a puddle on the floor. Because it was the worst thing that ever happened, and how was I supposed to carry on?
Sometimes Leta will turn to Jon and go, dude, she's crying again. And I'm all THIS IS NOT CRYING. THIS IS MOURNING THE FRAGILITY OF LIFE. DAMMIT, THIS IS NOT FUNNY. STOP LAUGHING, JON.
You must have a dooce® Community account to leave a comment.
If you've already registered, login.
If this is your first time posting here, snag a free account.
Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
302. Ingrid said:
#276---thanks for the good laugh. If that's your worst childhood memory, I think you're doing alright.
303. Michele said:
I've never read all the comments before, but I did this time. I have to hand it to you putting up with the negative swipes. They don't know what their talking about BTW.
I'm really excited about meeting the new baby when she comes out and you're rested enough to write about her and your experience.
Keep laughing and crying...it's all good...and thanks for making me laugh and cry too.
I'm on meds so unfortunately I'm often left between laughing and crying. It's time to get off them and let the emotions go where they may
You're doing great!! Keep on keeping on.
304. Melissa said:
You look beautiful!
It must suck to be pregnant! But maybe a little fun too...
305. Susan said:
I'm almost 32 weeks and am just WAITING for the bellybutton bomb to drop (or pop). As if my husband doesn't have enough to taunt me about already. You look amazing, by the way, just sayin.
306. MamaCass said:
I think you and your belly button look fab.
307. Casey said:
You just brought back a flood of memories from late in my first pregnancy, when I had to attend a summertime work function with my husband, and--mortified by my belly-button's refusal to be camouflaged by my lightweight sundress--I actually tried to tape it down with a BandAid. Soooooo did not work.
308. Anita said:
You look f'ing awesome. To the point that I might have to stop reading your blog. Except that I've never had an outie - not even while pregnant. Although I'd take an outie over the damn inner thigh chub rub any damn day.
Lookin' good Heather - wishing you the fastest, easiest, most painless delivery.
309. Jenn said:
But your hair is really, really pretty!!
And seriously, way to gorgeous for pregnancy.
310. jessica said:
What a great reminder to drink less wine and keep my legs crossed. I HATED those moments in pregnancy...although, even now I do occassionally cry over a broken chip. How the hell will I get all the dip to my mouth if the damn chip is broken?
311. faq said:
And when can we expect a picture of your foot?
312. Robyn said:
ANONYMOUS #243-246 ALL THE SAME IRRITATING PERSON.
THIS IS INTENDED FOR YOU. IF YOU DON'T LOOK BACK AT YOUR COMMENTS, (which I am pretty sure and insecure asshole like you does) please DOOCE forward this to that person. I'm pretty sure your female.
WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM. Did Heather do something to you in this life or even a previous one.
Do us all a favor and quit reading and commenting. You need therapy. I'm sure you lead a miserable life because most people treat others the way they feel they have been treated. That's what's wrong with Humanity .
If you can't say something nice DON'T COMMENT OR HAVE A BETTER REASON THAN JUST THE FACT YOU ARE PROBABLY A JEALOUS BITCH!
313. Heather L said:
I'm 34 weeks too, and I can totally relate! I just hope you're not waking up in the middle of the night with charlie horses that make you scream. eek. my calves are still sore.
314. Tammy at The Butterfly Mind said:
You're glowing. Honest. I have roses for Mudder's Day on my site. They'll cheer you up and make you forget about that thing in the middle of your belly.
315. Carrie Jo said:
Man, between the post and some of these comments, I think I might have peed my pants laughing so hard. Sorry about that. But damn it's funny!
316. Queen of Chaos said:
I have read your Blog for sometime and this is the first time I am posting a comment. I can't help but laugh and cry with you, especially at this point in your pregnancy. My son, who is now 11 yrs old, spent the last 6 weeks of our 42 week pregnancy ON my sciatic nerve. I can't tell you how many times I cried and demanded help because I couldn't shuffle fast enough to the bathroom and I didn't want to pee my pants again!
Keep going Momma, you're gonna do great!
The Queen of the House of Chaos
317. shortstack said:
Oh Dooce! I completely understand! While I am six weeks behind you in the great pregnancy race, I still cry over what seem like silly things. One night, I had a fat, delicious, gooey Enchilada waiting for me to eat on a paper plate that I placed on the kitchen counter. I grabbed a bag of salad out of the fridge, to accompany my Enchilada, and tossed it to land right next to my waiting dinner. To my utter distress, the bag of salad hit the paper plate my beautiful Enchilada was on and knocked it off the counter. Gravity did Isaac Newton proud that day as my Enchilada landed with a smoochy splat, face down, on the germ laden kitchen floor. After the shock of tragedy melted away, I began to sob. Between sucking streams of snot back up my nose as I gasped for air, I moaned, "My Enchilada fell on the floor". My husband and Mother-in-law looked at me with such distress, not knowing why losing an Enchilada would cause such a heartbroken reaction. We all laughed about it later, but that Enchilada still haunts me...
318. Kathy said:
You crack me up, those last few weeks of pregnancy are the WORST. Hang in there. But what I really wanted to comment about was you broken toe. They put you in a boot for 4 weeks?? Really?? For a broken toe?? Am I the only one who thinks that is totally overkill? I had my husband- a podiatrist (that's a foot doctor for those who don't know)- take a look at your X-rays and he couldn't believe you're stuck in a boot either. He said that unless it's you big toe, all you need to do is buddy splint it to the next toe while it heals. And just in case you don't know what a buddy spling is, you just tape the two toes together, but not too tight, you still need good blood circulation. Anyway, there's my 2 cents. Good luck with those last 6 weeks. And you do look great by the way.
319. michelle said:
Arrr Yes the uninvited belly button - I remember him well.. You have a rather unusual way to describe things..
320. Lilly said:
You do look gorgeous. At least you have an excuse for being emotional and OTT. Milk it for all it's worth in the last few weeks.
The only time this is ever going to happen to you again (without being pregnant) is when you are menopausal, miserable and well...fat. The fat all gravitates to the stomach I am telling you. The bloom of youth turns to red hot sweaty flashes. Something to be desired. NOT.
Which one would you rather? Yeah I thought so!!
Now put your feet up, rest your tired body and make Jon fix you a cocktail and get Leta to massage your feet.
And if they complain tell them they better get used to it!
Have a great Mothers Day!
322. Wacky Mommy said:
Pregnancy is so sexsaaaaaaaaay.
323. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
My family (at least hubs and teenager, little guys is too young still) laugh and make fun of me on a regular basis for various reasons unassociated with pregnancy hormones...I know how it feels. Oh, and the belly button thing? Hubby used to say it was like a turkey timer--when it popped it was time. If only it were that convenient.
324. hethr said:
Wow, this entry had me laughing to tears...as in tears streaming down my face and then afterwards my belly hurt from the laughter.
325. Lisa Brown said:
Girl, you look good. Seriously.
As I just finished reading your new book (loved it) I can only HOPE with all my heart that baby #2, and the months following, go smoother than the first time around. We're here for ya!
326. Jules in Portland said:
You are making me laugh so hard I'm crying. In a Starbucks, so nice and public-like. :)
Thanks for the laughs!
Jules
327. Abby said:
You look great; and you don't look swollen at all. I lost 37 (THIRTY-SEVEN) pounds in 9 days after delivery bc I was so swollen. I didn't look as fab as you BEFORE I got pregnant.
Happy Mother's Day!
328. Anonymous said:
It's not a belly button...it's a pop-up timer - you're almost done!
329. Lacrema said:
I was fortunate enough to evade the outie phemomenon, but I heard that everyone stares at it. One of my friends said that men stare at it incessantly because it looks like a giant boob nipping out.
Also, my chest size (around, not the good parts) increased by almost two inches because of the large pair of feet lodged in my ribcage for nine months. I had to have a late-stage ultrasound and actually grabbed the instrument and dragged it halfway up my sternum to where I knew the little fucker had them wedged in, and there they were. The doctor was amazed and I think a bit concerned that they were actually in my ribcage, as that should be somewhat impossible. Nope. Totally possible.
330. winecat said:
You look fabulous! How can you be 34 weeks already??
331. Emily Weaver Brown said:
You look great!
332. Mizkylie said:
Girl, I think you are one funny biotch! I am sure you will not get to this comment seeing as though you have so many fans, and I applaud you for that. What a cool blog and fabulous writing! I just want you to know that you are the source of my sanity, you cannot stop blogging, :) And, I try not to be a stalker and all......:)
333. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
To Anonymous # 246
Congratulations--you've just given the definition of "a blog".
334. Melanie said:
Ha ha... been there! I'm now in week 80 of my pregnancy... yes, my daughter is already here and 10 months old, but I still have the belly... I still have the cravings... and I still have the hormonal swings that leave me weepy over spilt breastmilk and diaper commercials. I'm so over it.
But I love reading about your experience - knowing I'm not alone in my weird thoughts and crying fits. And if it helps, you look so amazing... better than I did! (and do!)
335. Wendy said:
Isn't crying what pregnancy is all about?
You are such a whiner, Heather! You are SO danged skinny. Of COURSE you are crowded. I was crowded with baby #1 - she kicked me in the ribs and caused me to say "OOF" out loud in a college class, which everyone thought was HILarious. I felt like an Alien movie.
With baby #2 there was no crowding. Except for the part where he took up residence right on top of my bladder and made me incontinent until four months AFTER he was born.
But no crowding otherwise. I was like my own solar system.
You are not a solar system. Not even a large planet. You are Mars, maybe. You should instead be all "Look how skinny I am within 6 weeks of giving birth! My legs don't even look like tree trunks! Look at this and die of envy, Solar System Women!"
336. April said:
You look beautiful!
337. Sunshyne said:
If your hips are still smaller than your gut you're not doing too bad...The belly button wasn't my worst nightmare...it was my butt...It looked like I was gonna poop the baby out!
338. Katgirl said:
I would like to pretentiously correct the comments above that state "You look awesome for 34 weeks" and truncate it to "YOU LOOK AWESOME!!!"
Who needs qualifiers?
:)
339. Jones-Keeping Up With Mom said:
Ok. I really liked this post. Well written and funny. Course they may all be that way, I think this is the first real post...where you have typed words (meaning, I remember listening to an audio post of yours), that I have read all the way through. I have a bad memory though. K bye.
340. Jessika said:
so we called my bellybutton Fred also, and that is what we ended up naming our son. Poor thing! I am still crying over his name.
you look great! and where are the stretchmarks?!?
341. The Facepalm said:
Fantastic blog! Keep going on!
342. Carlyjay said:
Happy Mother's Day, Heather!
343. melissa said:
happy mother's day, heather! congrats on making it to 34 weeks!
a friend recently recommended your blog, and i am hooked. i love your witty, spot-on commentary on pregnancy, motherhood, and life in general. thanks for sharing it with everyone!
344. Kath said:
Hi
You have a nice blog.
Greetings from Norway.
345. Amy said:
If it's any consolation, I'm crying right along with you. Only my tears are from laughter—you are hilarious (not to mention an amazing artist)!
346. Organic said:
I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. Very informative website. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. It is finally good to find a good page with some relevant information. Nice blog.
347. Rabeeah said:
Happy Mother's Day! :)
You look fabulous!
348. Lesley said:
fyi, moms with their second children don't usually drop until they are in labor. and the baby is kicking your cervix... are you breech?