36 weeks
Last week was the 36th of my pregnancy, and as of this past Sunday I'm officially less than three weeks away from my due date. I can't believe I'm going to go ahead and admit this but, Internet, I've been eating powdered doughnuts THIS WHOLE TIME:
Just think about all those empty calories screwing with the baby's brain development. I know, I know. YOU'VE REALLY CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, ARMSTRONG!
So me and my body are not getting along, or maybe I should say that my body and my brain are not communicating very well and would benefit from a rigorous session of couples therapy. I've got all these ideas and plans in my head, none of them too elaborate or insane, just simple things like the rearrangement of boxes in the garage, and it's like a team of menacing invaders have stationed themselves in various extremities of my body and are conspiring to take me down: ATTENTION! HOST ORGANISM THINKS SHE'S GOING TO LIFT A TOOLBOX. SEND CRIPPLING PAIN FROM HIP TO SHIN.
Once I'm flat on my back they're implementing strategies to keep me in that position, like paralyzing my lower back, seizing the muscles in my abdomen, and cramping both legs. I think they're responsible for the broken pinky toe on my left foot because just yesterday they tried to break the pinky toe on my right one. Like, this crazy woman thinks she's just going to continue on with her life as if nothing ever happened. Fine, alert the team in her right leg to involuntarily kick at every object between here and the front door. COFFEE TABLE HIT! COFFEE TABLE HIT! Did we break any bones? Draw blood? Is there searing pain sending her to the floor? Good work! We'll celebrate when the moaning has reached such a pitch that the spouse has left the house and purposefully driven the car into a tree.
And then last night I was changing into my pajamas when I noticed a giant rash across the lower half of my butt. I have watched enough Discovery Health Channel to know that rashes, especially ones during pregnancy, are not harbingers of good things. It's not like, ooh goodie! A rash! This means I'm going to give birth to a giant basket of Snickers bars! It's more like, uh oh. A rash. Guess I'll get that EMERGENCY C-SECTION I ALWAYS WANTED.
I started to panic and had to contort my body in all sorts of weird positions to get a good look at it in the mirror, and I would not have blamed Jon had he jumped straight through the glass window in our bedroom to escape the abject gore of that kind of self-diagnosis. Hoo boy, if that image isn't an effective form of birth control. Son, put on a condom lest you one day be forced into the same room as an oblong whale attempting to inspect its own ass.
I had giant hexagonal-shaped spots the color of blood all across my butt, and just as I was about to spiral down that hole of WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, Jon reminded me that we had spent the Memorial Day holiday with my family at a park. And had been sitting for hours at a picnic table whose benches were made of a metal woven in a hexagonal shape. And that perhaps ALL THAT EXTRA WEIGHT I'm carrying caused the blood to pool in such a pattern on my butt. I gently suggested that he rephrase his explanation and strike the word WEIGHT from his vocabulary, or at least resist the temptation to use it in front of his 37-weeks pregnant wife. And while he's at it, how about fetching me that box of Donettes! Also, don't forget that bottle of Hershey's syrup, you know how I like to have something to wash down all that powder.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
601. Kate said:
HA HA HA HA HA!
I remember all those same feelings like they were yesterday (my youngest is almost 7). And all I can think is "SO GLAD IT'S NOT ME." Sorry Heather -- being pregnant truly does suck!
I loves babies but now prefer to play with them and hand them back to their parents.
You are hysterical and look so funny in the pictures.
And I hope that somewhere someone is looking at your pictures and reading all the comments and saying: "I don't get what's so funny? She looks totally like everyone else I know."
602. The Football Wife said:
Confession: I drank DIET ROOTBEER throughout my pregnancy. My baby is a genius. ;)
603. Nanner said:
Good lawd woman, I looked like that at five months, minus the PBR - I drank Bud. (Kidding!)
604. Doobrah said:
Ha Ha Ha -- You could be Madonna's little sister from the "Papa Don't Preach" video. And no I'm not that old.
605. Katie Kat said:
TOO F'ING PERFECT! Dooce as white trash trailer park preggo slut... kinda scary how well you pull that off... hehehehehe! HANG IN - the kiddo will be "heading out" all alien style in no time! :)
606. Christine Sheppard said:
So that's what the stretchy bit at the top of maternity pants is for--beer cans.
I like the second picture better for the "Yeah? So what if I'm using my food stamps on donettes, bitch?" expression. Good work not wearing a fake wedding ring, too.
The 37-week pictures are now my total favorites. My day is vastly improved.
607. BOSSY said:
Now all you need to do is record that album of Clash covers and you're all set.
608. Katrin said:
Thank GOD there's someone willing to poke some fun at the holier than thou pregnancy freaks out there. Our parents were drinking and smoking up the gazoo and we turned out ok.
Oh... wait. We're the generation that spawned a global economic meltdown. Hm. Maybe lay off that beer.
609. Kristi said:
Oh heaven's those pictures are so funny! You don't look like you're getting bigger! I'm sure you feel all stuffed up but you look great!
www.visiblevoice.ca
610. Clara said:
These are, hands down, the best pregnancy portraits in the whole history of the world. I'm also impressed that you had some PBR around for the photo shoot.
611. cindy w said:
Those pictures = Teh Awesome. You look like Courtney Love, only with better hair. (Yeah, I know your hair is supposed to look bad. It still looks better than hers on a good day.)
The last few weeks of pregnancy are the worst. It's like evolution designed them to make you so miserably uncomfortable that you actually look forward to the act of childbirth, just so you'll be done with it.
612. Therese said:
This... this is so very hot. You know it, too, don't you, you sassy minx?
Particularly enjoying ingenious use of elastic band on jeans as beer holder. Classic.
613. gorky said:
How many of those Pabst Blue Riboons did you have before that post? And beer goes well with donuts. Also ice cream. You probably need more of all three.
Good luck with the Final Countdown.
614. Marie said:
Heather! You are Lucille Ball, reinterpreted.
615. L Anderson said:
LOL! I see a little Lucille Ball in you!
Hey, Heather, do you actually read all these comments?
616. Garret said:
Is it wrong of me to say that you look like Courtney Love? I hope I didn't offend you!
617. Carrie said:
You look like Courtney Love here.
618. momof8 said:
You wear it well.
619. Mary Lib said:
so trashy ---- I love it !!!! Sending good wishes your way in the next few weeks .
620. Brooke said:
Haha....those photos are awesome!
621. casafroggy said:
Honey, that look is a cross between John Mellencamp and Marla Singer (Fight Club). Got help the child spawn of those two!
622. maventheavenger said:
hahahahahaahahahahahaha!
623. Heather said:
DOOOOOCE!!! Chick.. I LOVE YOU.
Seriously, my friend came across your blog and told me I would love it! and she was right. I'm a mom of 3 and I find so many similarities btwn us!
I've since bought your books and just started your first. 2 pages in, I was hooked!
You rock Dooce! and with this pic... you rock even more!
:D
624. Maria from NJ said:
Let me just say I LOVE IT!
625. JenC said:
The pictures are priceless.
And there is NOTHING wrong with sugar doughnuts. I quite frequently abuse...I mean...eat them for breakfast (dusts white powder off sweater, chin, skirt).....
626. Dave said:
That right there is dedication. 36 weeks in, and still getting gussied up for us.
627. lynn said:
You are totally channeling Courtney Love. I agree with an earlier poster -- you could print these photos on 10,000 XXL T-shirts and put Motherhood Maternity out of business.
628. Jinx said:
LOL! That was wonderful!
You look a little like Courtney Love in those pics.
629. Chriss said:
Awesome pic, I think we're related because I swear that is what my birthmom looked like preggo :).
Now I have to find the tutu one I obviously missed.
630. Karen said:
You are the best goddamn pregnant woman EVER, Heather! Love the look. You really need to keep it after you pop the baby out...
631. SarahP said:
Does anyone else see a high-fashion Courtney Love? You, my dear, ARE the girl with the most cake.
632. Dona said:
Damn girl! I know you always joke about not having an ass but I didn't really beleive it. I don't know whether to laugh or be jealous. My ass expanded with my pregnancies to counter balance the load in front. Pregnancy Ass, not a pretty thing! It was hard to tell which was bigger on me, the front or the back. You really do have a serious case of white girl butt.
633. Katie said:
This is amazing!
634. Melissa said:
I am 31 weeks and have been craving powdered donuts too! I've loved reading your blog, it inspired me to right my own. It's good therapy. It's so exciting that you are due any day now!!
635. Fidget said:
damn you, now i want donuts and if I want donuts I have to actually make them myself- stupid lack of gluten free donettes. Sometimes pregnancy cravings are a bitch
636. kelly said:
Fantastic! I'm still laughing.
637. 2kidsnow2crazy said:
You are so funny...I'm completely addicted. You say what we all feel! My boss can see me when I'm at my desk...I just had to duck and laugh before he could see me.
638. Jess said:
You're a magician, Heather. A furious magician.
639. Keonte' said:
I thought they cancelled My Name is Earl?!
The picture is hilarious.
640. Ben Bernanke said:
She's not only a furious magician - she's a tall drink of water, Spencer.
641. windylou said:
Those are the best pictures ever.
642. Anonymous said:
looks like you barely gained any weight....but its a funny photo....LOLOLOL
643. Saba said:
I love the pictures...I love the post...I love you Heather!! Your awesome!
644. Rachel said:
HYSTERICAL. I love the pictures. You look great!
645. Stephanie said:
OMG. The PBR! There is no other beer appropriate for the epitome of a White Trash photo than PBR.
WELL. DONE.
646. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
Heather! Way to channel your inner trailer trash mama--nice touch with the hair, too. The irony is considering where you live and who you are surrounded by because we all know that when you're not one of "them" they basically think of us pretty much like this anyway! I know that may not have been where you were going with this, but the potential underlying message is equally hilarious!
647. Andie Grace said:
A friend shot a couple of pics of me in the desert at 6 months (i linked one from my name here) with a cigarette and a bottle of whiskey. I'm sometimes fearful that people see them in her flickr stream and think I was actually smoking and drinking. Oh well.
648. Candy said:
I love you. You scare me.
649. Andie Grace said:
Oh good, i was hoping the pic I shared would be broken. Trying again.
650. KT said:
Perfection!
I'm 32 weeks and pretty much any food items that are remotely nutritious make me gag at this point so I too am guilty of consuming mostly empty calories.
Also, the leg cramps and paralysis you describe sound very familiar. When I stand up 5 times per night to go pee yet again I'm convinced that I am really paralyzed this time as I take the first couple of steps.
651. Sam & Karen said:
You TOTALLY need one of these: http://craftastrophe.net/2009/05/redneck-tank-top/
Awesome pics, Heather!
652. Adelas said:
The "Donette Armstrong" shook an actual LOL out of me after I got over my initial gawks. This is why you deserve to be famous. Because you ROCK.
The smudged mascara really throws it over the edge, in my opinion. Classic.
653. Anonymous said:
Best pregnancy pictures ever!
654. Aime in Ohio said:
You're HOT MESS!
:-)
655. Natasha said:
OMG!!!!!! Those picures gave me the first genuine belly-ful laugh I've had in days!!!!! Love them!!!!!
656. Kim K. in Western PA said:
I have just stopped laughing at your pictures. Please make certain that you put that in the baby's memory book. I can hear your voice now. A rasp punctuated with a chesty cough with a belly belch for an exclamation point. You are too much! Thanks for the laugh today. I needed it.
657. Groovymarlin said:
BEST. PICTURES. EVER.
You are an inspiration to me, and also my sides hurt from laughing. Thanks!
658. Heather M said:
OMG - thank you, thank you, thank you for the much needed laugh. It's a damn good thing I wasn't drinking anything, like say a PBR because it would have been all over the screen!
659. Michelle said:
Haha...awesome. I hate that you can eat such shit and still be so thin. You look great. Good luck!
660. Anonymous said:
This cracked me up!! Love it!!
661. Ame said:
Gud Gawd! Those pics shame the most southern-redneck-trailer-trash wimmen I've ever met! Good job!
662. Jenny said:
Best Pictures EVER!!!!!!!! Too frickin' hilarious!
663. tracy said:
oh, lordy, woman, thank you for giving me a good laugh this morning. today is my Monday, and after being back at work after 4 glorious days with Ellis,I really needed a good laugh.
664. Candi said:
LOL! WOW. I love it! That is sooo the feeling right there near the end. You're almost there, though! :)
665. Rini said:
You're sick. And twisted. And I love you for it.
Keep rockin', Heather. I never wanted kids, but dammit if you don't make me actually entertain the thought.
666. RobinM said:
Oh bless you for making me cry with laughter.
It is so refreshiing to see someone with an equally twisted sense of humor to mine.
P.S. Loved both your books.
667. SoCalgalstuckinUT said:
Loved the photos! I got a funky ass rash with my first pregnancy, doctor said I was allergic to my own placenta, I thank the lord I was a scheduled Csection so they took my daughter at 38 weeks, I think I would have ripped my skin off if I would have had to wait it out.
668. Donna said:
Those pics are too funny!
669. Lori said:
You look mah-ve-lous. And have one of THE BEST sense of humor I've ever encountered.
670. Jen Breese said:
Oh thank you for the tears of laughter. You are so damned funny. I love the photographs! Keep your sense of humor as I'm sure that you will need it with the kiddos. ;)
671. ali said:
Oh my god, you are hysterical!
672. Mamapajama said:
Awesomely funny pics, but you know what? They made me realize just what a beautiful pregnant woman you are. I know you probably don't feel that way, but you are and I bet John would agree! I don't know any 9 months pregnant women who would post pics like that of themselves like that. You have ballz woman, and I love it!
673. cirila said:
I wish I had a copy of this when I was pregnant. For some reason it wasn't that funny then. Thanks for making me laugh.
674. Peggy said:
SWEET!! I wish every pregnant lady would do pictures like these. Did you see that they now have a bacon flavored Vodka? That should give you the incentive to deliver early!
675. Melissa said:
Love it, Heather, you white trash hottie. You are making this world a better place for a whole lotta people.
676. Taylee said:
The pictures are fucking great. Literally GREAT. Please blow them up and hang them on the wall of your baby room. PLEASE!
677. Moody Chick said:
Fucking funny pictures!! Thank you for making this 36-week-preggy mammas day!
678. Robyn said:
Cannot stop crying from laughing. You are the funniest woman on the web!
679. Jackee said:
Barring the lipstick, I think you look fantastic for being 36 weeks pregnant.
680. Natalie said:
just pissed my pants. made my day, I think I'll go shot gun a PBR now to celebrate.
681. Meg said:
You're a tool, Heather B. Armstrong!
682. beeps said:
2 words:
sweet jesus!
683. kelcut said:
Best.pictures.EVER!!
684. Father of four said:
Dooce,
this is hilarious!! :-)
I knew that you are capable of laughing about yourself,
but this one is a real pearl!
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy - and with the coming baby!!
685. noelle said:
So, are you taking votes for names? Cuz I like Donette too!
Rock on, Dooce... good luck for the next few weeks / months / years.
686. Brittanny said:
Posts like this is why I love reading your website. You are awesome.
687. Ray said:
OMG, THESE 36 WEEK PREGNANCY PHOTOS ARE SO KICK-ASS!!!! I mean seriously you kick all other monthly pregnancies photos to the curb! Hehe. =P I absolutely love your concept with the doughnuts and the beer. These photos will become a classic for sure; this one along with your other photos with you wearing the tiara and holding the wand.
This was a great entry as well. Enjoy those doughnuts. =o)
Take care.
688. Jana said:
That is brilliant Heather! ha!
689. ...love Maegan said:
um ...those photos are BRILLIANT.
690. Betsy said:
I can't BELIEVE this didn't drag out all your haters. I think you've stunned them into a tongue-clicking, head-shaking silence.
Face it: we're all now going to refer to not-Maria as Donette. And - your pregnant belly is kinda perfect.
691. maternallychallenged said:
Do not forget to knock back five or six shots of tequila while you're at it...and did you know Johnny Cash recorded that Boa Constrictor song? No lie.
At least you didn't get my problem, which was that in late pregnancy every time I bent over I got the hiccups. I get really, really strong hiccups. I sound like a jackass whinnying when I hiccup. At least OTHER people thought it was funny.
692. Amy said:
I think I'm in love! Seriously, though, love the white trash preggo pics, so perfect! We should all be so lucky to look so great at 8+ months pregnant, even though I know you don't believe me. I'm 33+ weeks along with my first, and your blog has been the ultimate in worktime distractions recently. Like I needed more! Thanks, though, and good luck with little Donette Saranne!
693. Julie said:
Fetch Mama a hot dawg!
694. Robin said:
It is like a bad car accident. I can't stop looking at the pictures! Bravo Heather. Bravo indeed.
695. Mary said:
MAHVELOUS!!!!!! SIMPLY MAHVELOUS!!! These pics are really a delight!!!!!
Sending you trucks full of virtual powdered donuts. Leta and little sis are lucky to have you and your wonderful sense of humor!!!
696. Katy said:
Holy hell Heather...those photos are hilarious!!! LMAO!!
697. tj said:
...I swear I just saw you up at our local WalMart... ;o)
...You're too funny and bless you for that! :o)
698. Beth said:
These have to be the greatest pictures I've ever seen in my life. The PBR shoved down the front of the stretchy maternity pants really completes the look, and I can only imagine how much fun the preparation and photo shoot were. And even though I spent my morning teaching bodily function vocabulary to adult ESL students, I'm jealous that you got to do this to yourself. For a living.
699. nikki said:
OMG you make me want to tuck a PBR in my elastic waistband. Love it.
700. Origamibug said:
Just when I thought I couldn't love you anymore... Delivered my first baby 5 weeks ago. You saved my life several times during the process. SERIOUSLY.
701. Amelia Johnson said:
Best Pictures EVER! I was going to say you were just too wonderful, but no, I think you are JUST wonderful enough.
702. Candice said:
Favorite post ever.
703. Cyn said:
I rarely smile while doing anything on the computer.
*GRIN*
I love this so very much. Plus, you are smokin'!! You look so beautiful I'm sure your fictional trailer-trash brother would knock you up all over again!
704. Deena said:
I *LOVE* those photos. My only regret in life is that you will be writing about teenagers long after mine are grown and gone. ::Sadness::
Love you blog!
705. Laura S. said:
BEST. POST. EVER!!!!!
You are beautiful, baby. Keep those donettes a comin'.
706. Anonymous said:
The photos say what we all think. What we all wish we could do.
With a loud snort of laughter...
707. Lynn said:
These pictures warm my heart. I love you and want to down a bottle of whiskey with you one day.
708. Amy-Rain said:
Brilliant! One day your beautiful unborn daughter will look back at these photos and be proud to call you here mama. Way to go. LOVE IT!!!
709. Anonymous said:
Eat all the junk food and chemical infused foods you desire - our adopted daughter tested positive for meth when she was born and I'll be damned if she's not the wittiest, smartest little 21 month old I know (even the doctor agreed).
710. shelleybelly said:
Hawt.
711. Stellare said:
Prize winning pictures! Best pregnancy images EVER! :-)
712. Bethany said:
Screw it... I say you name the baby Donette.
713. JM said:
I would suggest you upgrade to the redneck tank top
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_oct2007/RedneckTankTop.htm
but then where would you store your pack of ciggs?
714. dweebisis said:
jesus, mayne.
when i read these posts, i just gotta say it's like some mega cheeseball cult here. what is with you people?
forget about the fact that this blog is so unentertaining and informative other than learning the highlights of a mundane, unattractive woman's life as a mom, her pic perfect dog [i'll give ya that!] along with her dweebo husband...but the ingratiating posts are killing me. i just can't...i just can't take this seriously. it's utterly lame. i can't even come up with snarkier wittier words either. it's just LAME
either the author of this blog is purposing making these replies up, or you people are just purely pathetic.
i've never seen so much praise over something so mundane and boring in my entire life. maybe i'm crazy? i know i'm jealous. but i'm missing something. seriously, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.
now if you would excuse, i'm going to the head to vomit.
chaz.
715. dweebisis said:
i forgot to put the "" around the word jealous.
716. dweebisis said:
[thinking to myself]
seriously nausiating. maybe this what hell is like. the losers are actually cool and popular. mundane mom's are immensely touted as talented. ugly people rule the world. and heather's 'farts' are funny to talk about. fucking christ. what if i AM in Hell????
717. Jenn said:
You are hilarious! Love your blog!
718. Elizabeth said:
I thought I loved you before, but after seeing these photos, it's official-you are the QUEEN OF AWESOME.
And I hate those stupid metal park benches for leaving patterns on the backs of my legs.
719. Groupie said:
Pictures like this set make me want to be part of your family. Can I claim you as a cousin?
720. Jessi said:
So, do you eat the whole box in one sitting? Because I'm 37 weeks too and I *really* want to eat a whole box.
721. Ann said:
There are no words sufficient to express the depth of your awesomeness today, and how much I'm loving you in these pics. Brilliant.
722. Robyn Diez said:
Ahhhhhh! Hahhahaa! I love you, Heather!
723. LLnL said:
I love those pictures but I had to laugh. After staring at them for more 30 seconds I finally realized that you had a cigarette and a can of beer too. I was so busy staring at the donuts that I missed the true villains (I must be hungry). LOL!
724. Wacky Mommy said:
Geedee it, I knew something like this was going to happen.
725. TexHo said:
Better than Cindy Sherman. But shouldn't one or two of the hair rollers still be in the tangled mess. Lord knows I always miss a few when headed out to the Piggly-Wiggly.
726. Lizzie said:
hilarious, and damn you look good.
thanks for the continuing wonderfulness
727. MommaPants said:
This post made my day... and pee my pants.
728. The Queen of Chaos said:
OMGosh this is frickin hilarious!!!
729. Dweebisis said:
Some self-posing spamming happening on this blog?
All this praise really seems kind of strange.
Kind of like that "Wolves Howling at the Moon" Tshirt internet craze going on. As soon as I read these posts, I just watched an ABC news seg about the t-shirt internet craze. Seriously WEIRD.
Am I trippin?
730. Helen Tarnation said:
Awesomest pictures evah!!!! Send a copy to CPS!! No, don't...they won't get the joke.
731. Kellie said:
You look like Courtney Love.
Have a few more donuts for me!
732. Anonymous said:
OMG! You could go shopping in our local Walmart and you'd fit right in...infact, I think I saw you or your twin just yesterday! Very funny photos!
733. Michelle said:
I laughed out loud at this post! I don't have any kiddos yet, but a friend who recently had her second ate her way through powdered donuts the whole time....even in the tub. :)
734. Crusty Spectacles said:
Mom!
735. justjp said:
Where did you find pics of my ex!
737. Elisabeth said:
You're gorgeous! Good luck and best wishes for a healthy three weeks and the safe delivery of your beautiful baby.
738. Hay*Jood said:
Seriously? You wasted money on PBR? Your baby deserves better...like Schlitz or something.
739. JuliaA said:
LOVE those pics.
740. abo gato said:
Sweet Jeebus, but those are the funniest prego pictures I have EVER seen.
Thanks for making me laugh out loud.
741. Bailey said:
Dweebisis - you're an idiot. Lots of people don't have their own websites, other than myspace and facebook. I have both of those but don't want random strangers checking those out so I didn't include them. Thousands of people love this website and think Heather is awesome and like to let her know that. If you don't like something, way do you waste your time making other people feel bad? It just makes you look like asshole.
742. Evonne said:
I wish that good preggo! You are smokin'!
743. Megan Putman said:
Dude -
That better be Camel you're smoking. It's the only way to go. American Spirit never agreed with any of my feti.
Great humor. How did Jon hold the camera still? I'd be quaking with laughter.
Megan Putman
744. Amy said:
Donettes. Food of the g-ds.
BTW, the makeup is cute, but you are more gorgeous without it.
745. Kimberly said:
Good for you! You totally made my day (and clearly several others' as well) with these pictures. What a great sense of humour :) Also, you're looking fantastic. What a beautiful baby-belly!
746. lori said:
see yunz at cracker barrel!
747. Bush Babe said:
Holy Mother.... that brought (laugh-induced) tears to my eyes!!! You are too funny... how much work went into that get-up, Mrs Armstrong? The red lippie and smack-down hair are fabulous touches... oh, I am still giggling.
Powdered donut award goes to...
:-)
BB
748. Bush Babe said:
PS you still manage to look ridiculously gorgeous... NO FAIR.
749. Birdie said:
As has been said by something like 700 other people, these pictures are fantastic. Very Courtney Love :) Yeah, if donuts are the only thing you have to feel guilty about life is goooood :)
750. Bridget said:
Wow, you really favor Gillian Anderson with that lipstick and snarl. Don't think I'll have the balls to take that kind of picture in 15 weeks, but we'll see.
By the way, I love your photo and description of Jon and Leta reading Shel Silverstein. Watching my husband and daughter crack up together has a similar amazing quality.
751. Amanda said:
I guess pregnancy really does kill brain cells. It's priceless that you didn't remember sitting on the benches!
752. JZ said:
fan-frickin-tastic, Cindy Sherman-esque photos! Love it!
753. cattitude said:
Heather, you look awesome!! I wish I had looked that good in my 9th month of pregnancy with either of my children!
:)
Good luck with everything!
754. StephH said:
K. Been a reader for over a year now. Day is NOT complete unless I have seen Chuck and Devil Dogs' latest pic. You are courageous for posting your pg pics in the first place. I had your cajones and sense of humor.
Keep it comin' !!
755. Canadian Fan said:
Dweebisis, honey, if you don't understand it, then there are plenty of lowbrow humour sites with words of one syllable in easy-to-read large fonts for you to peruse (sorry, "read".) Some of us have been fans of Dooce for over 8 years. We know Heather's journey and perhaps that's why we react with such honest emotion. It's all about context, honey.
But if you're a newbie, a sneering self-righteous goth-y cynic who doesn't "get" humour based on an over-arching years-long context, you won't be happy here. So run along, Puddin Pop. Let the grownups talk.
756. Marcie said:
This could, quite possibly, be the funniest thing I've EVER seen (and that makes me pathetic).
And the words I need to type in are "ghettoes came" and that's funny too.
757. Dione Johnson said:
Hi Heather,
I love your pictures! I have sent you a few e-mails... wanting to confirm that you received my published parenting/healthcare book (A Gift for Life, A Complete Record of Your Child's Health History) I mailed to you a couple weeks ago. Hope you find it helpful with maintaining good health for your new baby!
Would love to hear back from you!
Hope all goes well with your delivery!
758. Kim said:
You are funny as hell. THis was my favorite post. Ever.
759. Mel said:
OMG! I died laughing.
I'd like to see the post that includes the hate mail for this shot. Are there outtakes? I couldn't have kept a straight face too long.
Also who's idea was this? Which one of you woke up one day and said "Hon I know what the belly pic should be."
I started reading right after Leta was born and I'm so looking forward to "meeting" this child too.
760. Anonymous said:
You're a genius! Bee-yoo-tee-full!
761. Prams Pushchairs said:
What a hoot! - You've still got plenty of humor left in you even with only 3 weeks to go in your pregnancy, which I think is a wonder! Nice side-profile too, it looks soo real!
762. Brea said:
Heather Armstrong, you make me so proud! Who knew the image of a pregnant woman with powdered donuts under one arm and a Pabst Blue Ribbon tucked into the spandex part of maternity pants would illicit such a powerful response - but there you have it. I am so darn fond of you and your family!
And I guess at almost 800 comments, I am not the only one.
763. Chelsea said:
LMAO!!! These are the best pictures EVER. As well as one of your best blogs ever.
Adopt me?
764. rachel said:
i choked on my ice water. good work, armstrong. keep it up!
765. Dayna said:
Ok I almost had to change my delicates because I very nearly peed myself while looking at your pics. Oh your daughter will be just mortified when she's a teenager and one of her friends finds these pics online. I APPLAUD YOU MY FRIEND!!!
766. Lynda said:
I can't wait for little Donette to see these pictures. I hope she appreciates them as much as I do.
And OMG you are so lucky it's a hexagonal rash and not the dreaded waffle pattern, I've seen what that can do if untreated on Discovery. *shudder* (I'm kidding, I can't watch Discovery or eat food anymore after the show about that tribe with worms.)
767. Alyx said:
Best. Photo. Ever!
768. Missy said:
Heather, it's good to see you looking so natural. The beauty of motherhood is just...it's just...overwhelming. ;)
I like the cut-off shirt. Very classy.
Again, while you may think your belly is big, it looks small to people like me, who are 5'4" and short-waisted but still gave birth to a 10-pound boy the very first time around. I have stretchmarks that look like African countries.
The pics, strangely enough, made me think of a song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYkG3rA3scQ
Enjoy that little video -- it reminds me of highschool dances growing up in Idaho. The cowboy in the white shirt who really shakes his hips in the video is just gravy.
770. Coelecanth said:
Canadian Fan: You make me proud of my nationality. Sublime troll baiting.
Dooce: Nothing to add to all these comments so I'll just say thanks for the laugh.
772. Bria said:
Um...I just had my precious baby boy on Saturday (9lbs 11oz - naturally) and reading that made me think I was going to lose a stitch from my nether region (I know, TMI) because I was laughing so hard. :) Good luck with the last few weeks, Heather. I look forward to "meeting" Not Maria a.k.a. Princess Aurora.
773. marn said:
BEST. PHOTOS. EVER.
774. Scott in Philly said:
I'm sure the crazies commented about how awful you are for dressing up in a costume smoking and a pabst in your underwear... great! love it, but I hope Leta is smart enough when she's older to know how cool and snarky you are!
775. Me said:
Best photos EVER!
776. Sunny said:
Perfection!