• deb

    You look good. Take care and I hope all goes well.

  • http://www.careermama.net Kate

    First of all, congratulations on the impending birth of your second child. I had my second child 6 months ago, and the two of them are as different as the pregnancies were. And I was much calmer and less depressed after having my second. I, too, had to find a new OBGYN to deliver my daughter. She was kind enough to “stir things up a bit” for me (strip the membrane) so I wouldn’t have to have a T-giving baby. The day after my OB did her thing, I went into labor. In fact, my husband nearly had to deliver the baby in the car on the way to the hospital. So, as painful as it may be for them to stick their arm up you, it can benefit you in the long run…you may actually deliver on time.


  • http://karmakitties.com Bertha

    Heh. When I was pregnant with my now-2-year-old, I didn’t have any cervical checks because my midwives didn’t do them routinely since they don’t really mean much. So when my water broke and I went to the hospital, I had my first cervical check then and holy shit, it was the worth thing I’d ever experienced in my life (well, at least until labor started). I was writhing around in pain and when she was finally done my husband pulled my midwife out into the hall and said “Is it going to get worse than that??!” and she was like “um…yes.”

  • Christiane

    Dooce, I’ve never heard the expression “membrane stripping/sweeping/mutilating” until I read this post. This information combined with my mother-in-law’s detailed descriptions of her births (4!) makes me wanna haul out until science has figured out a way how men can take over the baby business. Equality! I can’t wait to stand next to my dear husband holding his hand while he’s trying to push a baby out of his anus. Ahh, daydreams.

  • http://thebrokins.com Jasmine

    Man! I remember that. It hurt so bad!!

  • Noelle

    Awesome Rack!!!!! Good Luck with the birthing stuff!

    Ok, is anyone else disturbed by #409′s post? Am I crazy, or did she just post that her DR groped her and she didn’t mind because he looked like Kennedy? #409, please tell me I read that wrong!

  • Jenn

    You look absolutely wonderful!!

    I laughed – out LOUD – at your description of “being checked.” I just had my son (my first) in February, and the first time I got “checked” – I looked at my doctor and said, “Okay, really? That sucked.” and she laughed and said “just you wait.”

    At 38 weeks exactly, I was 2 cm dilated, 80% effaced. Four days later, my water broke. Two hours after that I started with the contractions. By the time we got to the hospital, I was 5 cm, and could have the epidural (DUDE!) — even before the contractions started getting horrible! My son was born within two hours of getting the epidural with just ten pushes…By all accounts, a super-duper labor & delivery. I hope yours is even easier.

  • http://sillyvill.blogspot.com Myssie

    I do enjoy your blog, quite funny.
    I hope you are aware of your rights as a patient, you can and should say “no thank you” to the frequent requests for cervical checks. Especially if they are that unpleasant for you, during labor this can be huge pain (as you know).
    After your bag of waters break, frequent cervical checks can introduce germs into the vagina, like if you happen to be birthing in a teaching hospital with an Ob and there are many eager residents.
    Best to you and your family!

  • RobinM

    Hopefully Donette is dignified enough to avoid starting her outside experience in the toilet.

    You look lovely.

  • http://mamaquita.blogspot.com BJ

    You look so beautiful! I’m positive that I never looked that good! Sending good vibes your way and hoping for a speedy delivery!

    I have to tell you that I snickered 25 times while reading this. You sense of humor is astounding. Just love it!

    My daughter Kelli, is expecting her fourth! Yes….you heard right. We are excited to be having another little one coming. Her baby boy is 15 months. The girls are 8 and almost 5. She is the one who encouraged me to start reading Dooce.

  • Jana

    I didn’t realize so many people respond to your posts. I don’t know if you’ll see this, but here goes. Since you have been taking pics for the website, I thought it would be cool to see them all lined up, so we could see you grow. Any chance of that happening? I know that is something I could probably look up in a book (especially since I work in a library) but knowing you through this blog, I though it would be cool to see.
    And I just wanted to say, having never been preggers myself, your honest accounts of what it is like (continuing with the heroine usage and whatnot)is rather refresing! Good luck.

  • Darcie

    If they offer to “sweep your membranes” to help things along…..RUN. Ok at this point waddle but avoid that. Trust me that makes exams look like a walk in the park.

  • Diana

    Your boobs look awesome. I can’t wait to hear about your delivery!!!!!

  • Brea


    I am so excited for you and your family! I had to chuckle when I read your newest post, because it’s may not be as far from the truth as you think.

    Things were moving along quickly with my second childbirth. We got to the hospital and I had in my mind from the pregnancy class that I should empty my bladder to make labor ‘easier’.

    And then I had my son on the potty.

    There was no time to move or anything – I delivered from there with three nurses and my husband crammed in that tiny hospital bathroom. One of the nurses threw her back out helping with the delivery – our doctor missed the whole thing. For the remainder of my hospital stay, we became something of a legend – with each new nurse who came on their shift bustling into the room exclaiming, “Well! Someone was in a hurry to be born!”

    In the retelling of this story to my son (who is now 8), we downplay the whole thing a little. Because, really, who wants to be known as ‘the boy who was born on the potty’?]


    Brea (the one who sent Leta the smell-good Princess markers)

  • http://bkimrey1.wordpress.com beeps

    the perfect name for not maria: berit
    heather, you are wonderful and i wish you, jon, and leta the very best of luck…

  • http://www.prozak-nation.com Bee

    Hey Heather, I just have to tell you that I love the badass new masthead! You look like Eva Green in Dreamers. :)

  • Helen

    Just finished reading all comments before I left my comment. Some of you people cracked me up and had me laughing out loud! And Dooce, you look so serene and gorgeous in your pic. I had to go check out #19′s mention of the gentle birth web site. I learned about putting cabbage leaves in your bra for sore nipples. They also mentioned on the site about how “your nipples will be spurting out like race horses”. Do whatttt? I had 4 babies, nursed two of them for 16 months and I wish I had known about the cabbage leaves! Happy birthing day, Dooce!

  • Maureen

    Heather, can you stand another exclamation at how wonderful you look, despite how you might feel?

    Oy, reading all these stories. It’s been 20+ years, but I still remember being at work on my due date, wishing I were home w/ a newborn, or at least in labor, by then. I worked on the 10th floor of my bldg at the time, got back from lunch to find that the elevators weren’t working. Climbing up 9 flights hauling 45 lbs. of baby weight wasn’t much fun, but I gotta tell ya, I *did* enjoy watching people’s faces as they’d ask “When’s your due date?” and I’d reply “Today.” Their eyes would bug out and they’d continue up the stairs a lot faster…

    When my daughter finally deigned to make her debut, she took her own sweet time about it. I remember one of the midwives saying at one point, upon realizing my baby had finally crowned, “Look at all that hair!” To which I replied “Pull on it!” They thought I was kidding.

    After that experience, though, I became convinced that the sun rises & sets on nurse-midwives. My OB wanted to do a C-section because my daughter was being so dilatory, but the midwives kept putting her off, insisting they first try this, that or the other. She ended up being a vaginal delivery, thanks to my midwives’ patience and an epidural (though how can I tell if I’m pushing if I can’t feel anything down there?!?).

    Heather, I’m adding my good wishes for the easiest possible L&D for you and a sister for Leta who’s much lower maintenance than her big sister was.

  • http://theresmoretolifethanlaundry.blogspot.com/ kristi

    So SO SOOO painful. I cringe thinking about it. It will be over soon. SOON. Repeat forty billion times.

  • http://www.onetime-oneplace.blogspot.com Kristin C.

    Dear Dooce,

    Thank you for terrifying me. I am in the 34th week of my first pregnancy. Two days ago I was told that, at my next appointment, they would be doing weekly internal exams to check my cervix. I wasn’t worried about that until now.

    Have a joyful weekend free of fetus’ in the toilet,

  • Allen

    Long time reader/lurker, first time poster.

    I am SOOOO excited about the adventure you and your family are about to start! While I am perfectly content with my IUD, it’s nice to live vicariously through you…in a lot of ways :)

    Congrats and Good Luck!

  • http://wackymommy.org/ Wacky Mommy

    That makes me feel like a natural woman, reading that post. And once again I think, Glad it’s you, sister, and not me, wooo-hooooo.

    Everyone’s lying, you’re not that big. You could go another month. Kidding. It will be any day now.

  • http://southernstuf.blogspot.com/ Wendy

    You look great! Good news that you are making progress at least. With my little guy, I never effaced, thinned or anything. EVERYTHING had to be done manually. Not. Fun. Manual thinning, manual water breaking, petocin pumped into me, taking me from 0 to 10 in one hour. Hence, I’m only having one child. I see that you’ve backed off the donuts and the cigs, at least for the pic. Probably a good move.

  • C

    Oh WOW that sounds horrible!!! Actually makes me sick. I tried to comment on those May 26th white trash pictures but it wouldn’t let me a while back. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and think they should be published in some magazine lol.

  • Dani

    I’ve been reading your site for a few months now and I must say I totally enjoy it! My birthday was on Monday and I told my mom to get “It Sucked and then I Cried” and I’m loving every page! I just wanted to say that you look absolutely amazing this far into your pregnancy! I’m so happy that at least you are starting to dialate! My baby came 4 weeks early, just before I started my weekly “check up” (also, why do men always seem to think that all these things are not as painful as we say?), so I have no idea how long I was walking around dialated. Anyway, keep up the great work, I love your site to bits!

  • Stephanie Kay

    Good god, would it kill people to go back and see that their “helpful” comments have already been posted a bazillion times? I think it’s been made more than clear that dilation checks are optional. I’ll also go out on a limb and say that once Heather said she was aware of the difference between a cervical check and stripping of membranes, it wasn’t necessary to keep telling her OMG THEY STRIPPED UR MEMBRANES YOU HAZ BEEN VIOLATED.

    You look amazing, Heather. And I wish you a happy, easy, safe labor and delivery and many joyous months and years with your two little girls.

  • http://tinyapple.wordpress.com katie

    i think my vcervix must be like a steel trap, because i never felt a thing at these appointments.

    in the hospital, however, when the baby’s head was squished down as far as possible into my cervix without coming out any further? and i stalled out at 8cm? and we were discussing c-section options? and my doctor put her hand up there and MADE A FIST? that was pain of another dimension that i can’t even begin to describe. we decided that since the baby’s head was bigger than the doctor’s slender feminine fist and she could barely fit it up in there, that it might be smart to go for a c-section lest i tear up like a paper shredder had at it in my birth canal. fun.

    here’s wishing you a speedy and pain free birth!! one that does not happen in a toilet, too!

  • Anonymous

    Im sure Jon is having some fun with those HUGE boobs :D

  • Jen

    Even if you feel like crap, you look awesome. Seriously!

    Just a few more days… she can’t stay in there forever. Hang in there and peace to you!

  • janncam

    Dear Heather,
    I have been reading your blog for months and never told you how much I love your words, which have frequently left me in tears, either from laughing hysterically or in commiseration. Not to mention the essential “Daily Chuck”.
    Thank you for lifting my days and I send many blessings and good wishes back to you. You are amazing!

  • Jill

    Thanks for your post and all the hilarious comments. I am 37 weeks, and I measure the success of each day based on whether my exhaustion, extreme cranky-pantsness, or pregnancy hormones caused me to eat anyone who annoyed me. Thanks for giving me a good laugh-lord knows I and the rest of everyone I come in contact with needed it!

  • http://craftymelicious.wordpress.com/ Melissa

    It should be a crime to look THAT good in late pregnancy. Congrats!

  • http://shriekhouse.wordpress.com shriek house

    Oh you gotta love those tiny-handed OB’s, especially when they have to re-plant their feet on the floor and *lunge* up your ladyparts like a fist-first superhero. I’m glad you didn’t have your membranes stripped though, sounds like you know how having your insides peeled like a grape is EVER so much worse than a mere brain tickle.

    And I do so look forward to “thar she blows” tweetage from you & blurb when the time comes (hint hint).

  • http://notcrazyunwell.com kim

    i’m wishing you all the best for the upcoming *youknowwhatthereistocome*. fingers are crossed for a (as) nice (as possible considering…) first meetup and that all goes well. xoxo

  • EMAH

    So if you do have not Maria in a toilet, will there be reams of comments bemoaning the fact that the poor innocent baby had to make her entrance into the world in a room where THE TILE DIDN’T MATCH PERFECTLY AND OH MY GOD, THE FURNITURE WAS FROM IKEA?

    Also, I’m 6 weeks now and you’ve scared the living shit out of me. Which was nice, because this whole pregnancy constipation thing blows.

  • http://lannaleemaheux.com Lanna Lee Maheux-Quinn

    I am so excited for you guys! And my birthday is on June 15th, so feel free to have Not Maria then!

  • benoyroma

    you look fantastic!

  • Christine

    CAN’T. WAIT. :)

  • Tiffany

    Well, I am 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant 50% effaced, -2 station and dilated to a whopping 1. My point is: If you give birth before I do, I am no longer visiting your site (although I really do enjoy it and the title of your book is why I started reading your blog). Truthfully you only have to last to next Wednesday, my induction date, to keep me as a reader. I guess that is my delusional pregnancy self thinking that another miserable pregnant person would actually delay giving birth to spare my feelings…one can only dream.

    Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I look forward to your continued views of newborns, lack of sleep and the feelings of “regaining” control over your body.

  • Sara

    So, do you dress up and make yourself look happy for the picture, but after that’s done do you look miserable and bloated like every other term pregnant woman? B/c you look fantastic. Our son is a month old today, and pictures from the night I went into labor are so not flattering. Not even close to the glowy-ness you’ve got goin’ on.
    And this might make you happy to know. Our first, a daughter, was 4 days late, 20 hours of labor. With The Boy, I got to a 3 the day before I went into labor, with minimally uncomfortable contractions, then real labor started and lasted about 10 hours. He came 10 days before his due date, and took 10 minutes/3 sets of pushes to be born (as opposed to his sister’s hour and a half marathon pushing extravaganza, the little pissant). Everyone told me the second baby would be easier to birth, but I didn’t believe them.
    Sooo, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you! Here’s hoping you’re birthin’ that babe right now ;)

  • Ann

    Look at your face, Heather! You are GLOWING. I am so happy for you, I could almost start crying right now.

  • http://jackandjillputupablog.com/ Jill Put Up A Blog

    I am scared. I appreciate the honesty. I am not even pregnant but someday I may be…not so good with pain. Eek!

  • http://www.becomingsarah.com Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

    Oh my goodness, you’re getting so close! How exciting!! I can’t wait to see pictures of the new little one =)

    Also, thanks for not upselling the internals. Someone told me that being checked for dilation was nothing, that I wouldn’t even feel it. When they checked me for the first time at 32 weeks (my husband is tall and I’m tiny, so apparently, they’re worried that I’ll deliver in a toilet VERY EARLY and still have a Goliath on my hands lol), I wanted to strangle that person. It’s just uncomfortable prodding.

    And then they tell you that yeah, nothing’s going on, sorry about that? It’s like WELL THEN WHY’D YOU STICK YOUR POKEY-ASS FINGERS UP MY VAGINA?!

  • Eunice

    I’m so excited for you and your family, Heather! Can’t wait to see Not Maria. Maybe this one will look like you. :)

  • http://justuniquelyordinary.blogspot.com Just Jiff

    Oh man. I HATED that too! I went into preterm labor almost 8 weeks early. I was admitted to the hospital and that first night a resident came in and did the “check” and I whimpered and cried. When my husband woke up to hear me, I told him it felt like she had tried to shove Bayley (my daughter whom I was pregnant with) up and out through my nose.

    I just want to kick docs who say, “it’ll only take a second..”


  • Mrs. Q.

    I can’t remember those checks being that bad, so I must have tucked them in nice and deep where only a therapist can reach. My daughter was breech, didn’t wait for the why-are-they-all-moving-so-friggin-slow c-section and decided to stick out a foot. Within minutes I had a resident’s arm shoved inside me up to her elbow to help pull out the baby. Later I asked my husband if watching his wife get fisted by another chick was as hot as he imagined. I had to promise not to ever ask that question again.

    You look awesome. No cankles? I had to take a photo of my feet at 38 weeks just to remember those suckers. Gag.

  • http://rltroxell.blogspot.com/ Randi

    im with that first commenter… Milla… very very good birth control!! lol- happy friday!

  • Mormon Anonymous

    Wow, that one part of your body looks huge. Um, and its not your tummy!

  • Sara

    Yet, even after reading the horror stories, I still am looking forward to try to get knocked up.

    Posts talking about how women’s bodies just naturally know what to do seem to have a very limited grasp on reality. There is a reason that so many women have an array of complications in childbirth in countries without medical resources and countries with a strong medical community have so much less. Natural birthing sounds great, but I would want an OBGYN close by just in case….

    Back on topic: Go Heather, go! May it be quick and painfree in what ever manner you can get it that way!

  • http://www.flowerzinherhair.com Amy J

    “Scratching the underside of your brain through your vagina” is the most eloquent way I have ever heard the “checking” process described. I’ve also described it as a my OB trying to push my head through the wall by shoving his entire fist into my vagina. But your description is much less crass :) Your post reminds me so much of the reason I am done having babies. Thank you for the PSA.