Just in case you were having second thoughts about that vasectomy
Friday morning I was minding my own business when out popped my mucous plug. Guys, I don't know how to put it more delicately than that. It is what it is.
I wanted to make sure that it was, in fact, a mucous plug, and not, say, the leaking brain of a reptilian parasite, so I retrieved it with a piece of tissue and set it on the countertop in the bathroom so that I could cross-reference it with a slew of images found on Google. You just go ahead and process that, DUDE WHO REFUSES TO WEAR A CONDOM. Because this was not a scientific experiment I was willing to go alone. No. In fact, I called out to Jon from the bathroom, "Hey, SPERM PROVIDER. OPEN UP A WEB BROWSER."
Yeah. So. My mucous plug. Are you one of the innocent little kittens who has never heard of such a thing? Let me give you the brief explanation I gave to Leta when she got home from school, ran unknowingly into the bathroom to go potty, and came out going WHAT IS THAT THING ON THE COUNTER?! Hoo boy! And you thought blogging about my kid was abusive? I'm not so sure I've done anything as reckless as leaving my mucous plug just lying there in plain sight of a five-year-old. Because one day she's going to be talking to her therapist about the recurring nightmare she's suffered for the last twenty years, the one where a giant slug crawls up through the sink in the bathroom, jumps off the edge of the countertop onto her head and sucks her face off.
So I pulled up Wikipedia, showed her what a uterus is, and explained that what she saw in the bathroom was a collection of mucus that seals the opening of the cervix. And since I'm so close to my due date it's not a big deal that mine sort of fell out. She said it looked like what happens when I blow my nose, and Jon, a writhing mess of nerves who had just combed through hundreds of images of SOMEONE ELSE'S MUCOUS PLUG, goes, "Yeah, her bottom nose!" Haha. Funny one, Sperm Provider! Go crawl into your dark corner and nurse your fragile emotions, because I am about to give birth! TO A HUMAN! OUT OF MY VAGINA!
It must be so sad for men to live their whole lives knowing that they can never say anything that trumps that particular declaration.
When I twittered about this development several people replied to tell me that they had given birth within 24-48 hours of passing their own plugs, and suddenly Armstrong Labor Watch 2009 was on. Except, nothing has happened since then. Not a damn thing, not even a fake contraction. And today four of our siblings have called to ask if we've had the baby yet, and I'm all, you have got to be kidding me. Do you think we'd up and have this kid and not call anyone? YOU WILL KNOW WHEN I GO INTO LABOR. Anyone living west of the Mississippi will hear the screaming.
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Heather talks about Valentine's Day on today's Momversation.
- I know zero about sports, but my entire heart is screaming, "Go Saints! Go Saints!" I am a stereotypical woman. TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, JON!
- Marlo has a tooth! So says the blood that she drew when she grabbed my hand and tried to gnaw off my thumb!
- Leta won't eat her birthday cake. I guess we should have made it out of chicken nuggets and iced it with refried beans.
1. hidden exposures said:
june 11 is my birthdate so i'm rooting for that. my name is also not maria!
2. Shannon said:
Hey-it's one step closer to D day, you know?
When I tried to explain to my oldest about the birth process (he was 4)-he listened to the whole story, then said, "OK, I know how the baby gets out. But what I wanna know is, how did it get IN there to begin with?"
Now THAT's a go-ask-Dad moment....
3. Carrie said:
I seriously had no idea about this whole "mucous plug" thing. Clearly another fact they had from the childless so that we'll be willing to have kids someday, ha ha.
4. Labradoris said:
I love how you asked Jon to Google it. What a devoted hubby.
5. wannabemom said:
Inconsequential nether-loogies?
6. typingelbow said:
feel free to twitter through the whole labor! Then someone on etsy can cross-stitch a transcript and frame it for you! Best wishes, Dooce!
7. Carrie said:
Sorry, that should be "they hide from the childless," not "they had from the childless." Guess it would've helped if I'd actually previewed my comment during the "preview" portion of posting. D'oh!
8. Daddy Scratches said:
I will again say how thankful I am for being born with a penis.
(And, for the record, I had *no* second thoughts about getting a vasectomy.)
9. Anonymous said:
The best part is, your body continues to make it after it falls out, if you haven't gone into labor. So, maybe you'll get to see another one! Lucky day!
10. Lisa said:
Heather, you never cease to make me laugh. Who would have thought a mucus plug popping out would be so humorous!? Good luck on the birth. Can't wait to hear about it.
11. Anonymous said:
Good luck to ya! I just lent my supercool boss your "Father" book, he loves it. We were just talking about you this morning.
12. Jackie said:
I'm super excited for you. I never had the joy of finding a mucus plug as I had a scheduled c-section, but I enjoyed the post all the same. I will be cheering for you in California. Hugs to the Armstrong 3 (almost 4.)
13. Anonymous said:
i don't remember losing my mucus plug. i could have been in heavy labor at that point and just overlooked the mucus.
i was so overcome by the laboring, that when my water broke i yelled "holy shit, i just pissed myself." cuz i really thought i had just peed the bed.
14. ktm said:
I am beginning my 15th week of my first pregnancy today. I am scared - shaking over here.
15. Anonymous said:
Google gave this great piece of information. This should really brighten your day!
Loss of the mucous plug means that labor will most likely start within the next 2 to 3 weeks, sometimes sooner.
16. admin said:
I'm so much more than a sperm donor. SO MUCH MORE.
17. Nico Blue said:
Hmm, interesting. I never had the pleasure of loosing my mucous plug. I just thought it came out in bits....which I guess it does for some. I wonder how much it would fetch on eBay...hehe ;)
Sending you lots of labour vibes!!!
18. Andrea said:
Wow, I never got to experience that due to my freakishly small pelvis and my boy who thought hanging out way up in my ribcage or grill as I ended up calling it. Good luck and here's hoping to not a massive number of calls and emails asking you: are you in labor yet?
19. Katy said:
At the moment she said it looked like a booger, did you kick yourself inwardly that you didn't think to say that's what it was? :) I love you guys.
Unfortunately, people group the mucous plug coming out with labor, when they do not always go hand in hand. Sad but true.
C'mon Not Maria! The Internet is waiting to meet you and criticize your choice of tile!
20. Ann said:
Man, you are killing me! I can't laugh after throwing out my back having sex this morning (not kidding!). I am flat on my back trying not to laugh. But it doesn't hurt as much as labor.
Good luck!
21. sabrina said:
I hope you have a healthy and happy baby, and that labor is easy...but really? This is getting creepier by the minute. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to call my mom and apologize for being 9 lbs and 4 oz -- her "mucous plug" (yes, quotes, I'm pretty much convinced you made that up) must have been the size of a baseball.
22. LD said:
Dude. I am at work laughing hysterically AND suppressing my gag reflex = awesome.
23. Cat said:
Is it the same as a bottle of wine, and the baby will go stale after leaving the cork out too long? Perhaps a tampon will keep the baby fresh and full-bodied?
Bon chance to you all.
24. mary said:
you must make love to the sperm donor tonight
stimulating your nipples bring on labor big time
it worked for me - don't delay getting to the
hospital - i had no time for drugs - and i was
43
25. siobhan said:
Dammit. Because it's my birthday today, and I was hoping to share it with Not-Maria Armstrong.
26. Kristine said:
Can't wait to meet Not Maria!
27. swerld said:
*two thumbs up* all the best! :D
28. Jennifer said:
Nothing like sitting down to eat a pudding cup with whipped cream and reading that first line... To quote Rachel Ray: YUM-O. :)
29. Anonymous said:
Yeah, I am not gonna lie. I have totally been checking Twitter and your site every couple of hours for an update.
Does this mean I a) have no life, b) am obsessed with you or c) am crazy curious to hear what you name the runt?
I will let you decide.
30. Rachel-Also Pregnant said:
Poor men who dont understand what pregnancy is really like. My husband was complaining that I have been breaking into sweats from my hot flashes in the middle of the night and it makes him feel "sticky"...I about socked him in his junk.
31. ME said:
I know this isn't supposed to be funny but- hahaha! You crack me up consistently- Have you tried to take a teaspoon of Caster Oil? I have heard that with a long walk can help... but who knows. Come on baby Anderson!~
32. hippittee said:
my earplugs are ready!!
33. Erinn said:
Is it wrong that I want to see the picture you took of this? Because I know you did. Maybe that is wrong of me. \
34. Ramsey said:
Supposedly eating basil induces labor, also a spoon full of caster oil will help things along. Plus there is some reflexology you could have John do on you feet if he or you are up for it. Hope this helps, may the force be with you.
35. Katy said:
***And by mucous plug and labor not going hand in hand, i mean the latter does not always happen directly after the former, of course.
Just correcting so that the vultures don't do it for me :)
36. msh said:
I was a bit worried about scrolling down to read the post. Thank you very much for not photographing it for the internet. Whew. Best of luck on labor and delivery--
37. Shelly said:
Come one baby Not Maria! Make your way into the world...
38. Kristen said:
Sounds like you've got one On The Way. "OTW" is usually code for "I am going to poop" at our house, but it works just fine in this situation, given the similarity between taking a dump and birthing a child, no?
Sending you happy, easy labor vibes. Yay new baby! Yay OTW!
39. Dayna said:
Thank you #9! I swear my body made mucus plugs for like two weeks before I gave birth. Such a cruel, cruel game mother nature likes to play. I think what brought on my labor was my coming to terms with the fact that the baby was NEVER coming out...as soon as I was ok with that TA-DA!!! That's just my own personal mind over matter whack method.
40. Ninabi said:
Not-Maria Not-Today.
Aghh- those last few days of pregnancy feel like forever.
Sending positive wishes for a quick, easy delivery- soon- your way.
41. Ashley said:
Wow! I hope baby Armstrong comes soon! :)
42. Ramsey said:
sorry I meant Castor Oil not Caster Oil.
43. Carmen said:
I'm just wondering how many people have asked you to post a pic of it? You did take a picture right?
44. Allison said:
Yeah, if you're just DONE. WITH. IT. ALREADY. -- the castor oil thing worked for me with both kids.
I'm still snickering at Jon, though. Your "bottom nose!" SNORT.
45. Melanie said:
Heck, I walked around for 3 weeks after my mucous plug fell out. Could be all the screaming and wretching outside that made my daughter stay put, though....
Same daughter, when learning about where babies come from at age 6 (2 weeks before her baby brother was born) came rushing into my room yelling "Mamma! Peter's going to come out of your BAGINA!? That's gonna hurt!"
Truer words were never spoken.
46. May said:
Me and my two little siblings were born at home... which led to my seeing a placenta floating in blood in one of our mixing bowls one morning. If that didn't mess me up a smidge I'm sure you're daughter will be fine seeing some mucus.
47. Tracy H said:
I'm totally gonna go google pics of mucous plugs right now!
48. Christie said:
Ah the joys of childbirth.
49. bohica said:
Who knows why certain things crack people up? Of all the things I've read here (and I've read them ALL), THIS is the thing that made me start laughing. Laughing so other people could hear me. The visual of a five-year-old finding *that thing* on the bathroom counter is just too much for me to bear without giggling my fool head off.
I've had a shit day. Thanks for this. Bless ya and yers and the new one.
50. Anonymous said:
Oh man!!! you are so funny!
I wasn't aware of the mocous plug until i got pregnant, and i bet not a lot of people know about it neither, good you mention it here.
51. Stacey Ball said:
Perhaps googling mucous plug when one is trying to get pregnant is not such a good idea. Too late.
52. Amy J said:
Every time the sperm donor living in my house whines about his back hurting or having to get a shot *boo hoo* or getting blood drawn. I lovingly remind him that I've had a needle put in MY SPINE!!! So that I could push a human being out of my VAGINA!! So get a grip donor!
53. Camilla said:
Hi, first comment from me, have been reading your blog for a while.
Just want to say good luck giving birth, whenever it happens!
I had 3 kids (only 2 births though), and the mucous plug didn't show itself the first time, and the second time it plopped out a week or two before the c-section, which would have been around week 35-36. No connection with giving birth for me then.
Also I didn't save it for or show it to anyone, but only because I didn't think about it.
54. Jessica said:
I'm at work, but you know as soon as I go home I am going to google pictures of mucus plugs. I'm THAT curious.
55. Jill Put Up A Blog said:
I have to google mucous plug now. I am grateful you didn't post a picture - I feel like I know you too well even though I don't really KNOW you at all and that would be too much.
As always, thank you for the...insight into the pregnancy world. Wow.
56. Jules said:
June 11th would be an excellent birthday! According to the Farmer's Almanac..... who reads that? Here are the traits of a person born on that day:
If Your Birthday Is June 11...You are an omnivorous reader, intellectual, and a sparkling conversationalist. Your judgment is good, and you never act in haste. You have a great personal pride, like to dress well, and have a sincere devotion to your family. You form and keep friendships easily and will be very happy.
Good Luck!
57. Alyxherself said:
Hey! I have a life and I'm on baby-watch too, I can't help but root for team Armstrong. Jon and Kate who?
It's Jon and Heather, all the way. Oh....Jon, you are so not a sperm donor, she means it with love. My bebe's daddy's are sperm donors, long gone and good riddance. You, my friend, are a Daddy, and a damn fine one.
58. Erica said:
I was really, really hoping that you would post a picture of said plug, so that I wouldn't have to go searching for it.
Now I realize that either option is really, disgustingly creepy and I am glad I have years before I get pregnant and forget about this post.
59. sarah said:
I never lost my mucus plug! Consider yourself lucky, I looked for that thing for weeks every damn time I visited the bathroom (so like a bizillion times a day).
60. Anonymous said:
I lost mine one week exactly before my water broke. I love that you blogged about it, that's why I like reading.
61. lori said:
I went 12 days from losing mine until labor started.
62. gitz said:
I'm the friend in my group of friends that everyone calls when they need to know something. I will never forget the day my best friend called and thought she'd lost her mucus plug... wanting my opinion if that's what really happened.
Me. Her single, childless, never heard of mucus plug in my life friend. I googled, too.
And then decided having a dog was enough for me.
63. leesavee said:
All this talk of mucous plugs and labor makes me SO JEALOUS that I can't give birth. HA!
Wow, this whole adoption thing sounds better by the minute. I highly suggest it should you and Jon decide to enlarge the Armstrong brood sometime after not-Maria is born.
Hope not-Maria comes soon, is healthy, and causes you as little pain as possible!
64. Hayley said:
Yay for mucous! Because I'm THISCLOSE to having my twins, I made the mistake of googling the mucous plug... and spent the next five days trying to scrub the image from my memory.
Not Maria will be here soon! Good luck!
LOL- my captcha is garments 14.
65. Chantel said:
Holy. Shitballs. I'm a girl, familiar with the concept of a mucous plug, but could've gone my whole life without doing a search for it on Google Images. Wowee-wow-wow. It's a snot clot. That's what it is. A poon slug. Something that one doesn't really think about in all of the baby fantasizing women do.
66. kat said:
chortle...... still giggling......
ah, childbirth. Good luck to you and Jon. It's not so bad the second time around. You'll do great. Keep us posted.
67. jaradee said:
#16....you're the SPERM ADMIN! You two are so damn funny!
Hope all goes well with the arrival! After a "bonus" baby YEARS after the others, I'm just scared the vasectomy just might reverse itself. Then, I'll be all...."well, Lorena Bobbit did it, and he lived!"
68. nikki said:
I just learned what a mucus plug is and now EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT THEM. They're everywhere. I'm 37 weeks today and, you know, waiting.... oh, MP.
69. luvcatt said:
YAY! I'm way excited for you Heather. I remember when I lost mine (at work, which was horrifying) and how much I freaked out. I made my boss send me home and then ended up not ever going into labor til they induced me a week past my due date. Which, coincidentally was the same day as yours is! You're almost there darlin, hang on and keep the donuts close at hand. I'm thinking about you! ♥
70. Eva said:
OK, I also wrapped up my mucous plug in a tissue and went to The Google to find out exactly what this thing was. Actually, mine fell out in two separate occasions on the same day. This happened on a Sunday, went into the hospital on Tues afternoon and gave birth on Wed morning. Wishing you a quick and as unevenful as possible a delivery!! Good luck. And I loved your book!
71. RondaMarie said:
I want to say something clever about this but all I can come up with at the moment is: eeeeewwwwww!
72. the niffer said:
You just get funnier with every passing day. Thanks for the update - we're all waiting and wondering!
73. Mary Beth said:
Go Heather! Go!
74. Mommica said:
So I'm guessing the number one search on Google today will be "mucous plug." Awesome job.
75. EOMama said:
When I yelled from the bathroom, "Honey, I lost my mucus plug!" He yelled back, "Ok, sweetie, I hope you find it!" Dumbass.
76. Why Mom Drinks Rum said:
Once again, you make me thankful I had my growths surgically removed via that wonderous invention called the C-SECTION.
To hell with 'the pill'....slug coming out of my special lady parts = no more babies. Well, having a toddler and a newborn also had that effect. Talk about mucus plugs in disguise....
77. mountain mama said:
Hey, honey, I will be thinking of you until not Maria arrives. I hope that you have a wonderful experience bringing her into the world. I think when you have your second child, you are so much more aware of how fleeting the time is. You tend to soak up every moment. Gonna be checking in on ya. HUGS!
78. Coyote said:
You could politely remind Jon that what came out of HIS bottom nose is what caused the mucus plug to come out of YOURS :-)
79. Milla said:
again, thanks with the effective birth control you are providing me. i will stick with dogs for now.
80. shriek house said:
Hahaha, I was sure you were going to say that you told Leta the mucous plus IS THE BABY. "Meet your new sister, dear!"
My poor husband was traumatized to discover the existence of mucous plugs, fortunately I never, uh, *noticed* mine, so he was spared having to look at it. Now you guys can plant a tree on yours! Or something.
81. Lisa Rae said:
Yay! Who doesn't love a happy little slime plug?
As I was kicking my husband out of the bathroom the other day, I let him know that there are some lady up-keep habits that I keep to myself. He reminded me that he had already seen the whole of my insides while someone tugged a pooing, screaming infant out of there and asked if I really believed there was any "mystery" left to protect?
He had a point.
God love your Googleman. Brilliant.
82. Barb - WillThink4Wine said:
Um... I think you're gonna have a baby. And what #78 Coyote said! :-D
83. Jamie said:
When Jon posted that link to mucous plugs on twitter I'm not going to lie I totally clicked on it. But maybe it brought up different results on my computer because what I saw wasn't really that gross. It was like one picture of some snot-looking stuff, some regular looking babies, and porn.
84. Carrie said:
With my first baby, I lost mine a full week before the event, and only then as the result of an internal exam. But I never had a trophy I could place upon the counter like that. Actually, I just felt wet and thought my water had broken.
You should be proud of your husky mucous plug!
85. Serial said:
I'm already having nightmares about your mucus plug. And I didn't see it. And I'm awake.
86. Mama Bub said:
Did you know that shit regenerates? And just KEEPS FALLING OUT?
I'm one of the lucky people who lost my mucus plug no less than three times. And told everyone within shouting distance about it each time.
P.S. I'm highly disturbed that my word verification is "sprays lick"
87. Karina said:
It's like a jellyfish flew outta your yoni!
88. Helen said:
hahaahahah!!! a post about a mucus plug was never so funny. good luck with the labor watch!
89. Kelly said:
Story is great, but thank you for not posting a picture of your mucous plug.
90. Nora said:
I'll be sending good thoughts your way!
I'm just west of the Mississippi but I'm not entirely sure your screams will reach StL. But maybe. At least I'll know what that noise is =)
91. Natasha said:
Four kids and I've never seen a mucous plug... until Jon's twitter feed. Thanks for that.
92. Karen said:
Leta is ahead of the game! I'm 30 and childless (so far,) and my girlfriend only just recently turned me onto the magic of mucous plugs. Why had I never heard of them before!? That's a google image search you can never take back, right up there with "lemon party!" Wow. Hysterical post!
93. William said:
Did you name the mucous plug Maria?
94. meowsk said:
Vasectomy? After reading your book and your blog entries from this pregnancy I am seriously considering a hysterectomy. My one fear holding me back is that I will end up like sounding like Dr. Girlfriend.
95. Cautionary Girl said:
At work resisting the urge to type "mucous plug" into google images.
I'm less worried about HR than people walking by. Which, of course, would lead to HR, but in a worse way.
It's a sad day when you're wishing you had the privacy of a cubicle so you can google image "mucous plug."
96. Jacquie said:
On behalf of humanity, thank you for not posting a photo. Although if you had, I'm sure it would have been tastefully appointed and set up to highlight the accent colors in your bathroom.
At this point in your pregnancy, there is officially nothing anyone can say to you by way of greeting or to 'check in' that does not merit a slap across the face. Have at it!
97. LindsayLou said:
OMG. never having kids.
98. Sandi said:
I, seriously, had a long talk with my husband, last night, about what I would have to look forward to after you had your baby....
The end is near and I feel like the sky is falling! SHIT!
99. The Army Wife said:
GOOD LUCK! And 78 is right. Too funny :)
100. Michelle said:
Hey Heather! I recently gave birth (May 6th) and did the same exact thing (minus share with child)- including google image it. I excepted to go into labor any minute as well, but unfort, no hope! I had to be induced which isn't so bad (I did have a 27 hour labor, I'm sorry to report). Hang in there- she'll come out soon enough! I sometimes wish I could put mine back in long enough to catch a nap...ha! I'll be rooting for you!!!! (also, I recommend turning off your phone from here on out. The family calls get annoying. Just claim you misplaced your cellphone and your house phone is not working...I WISH I had done this. Also, another thought: steal EVERYTHING in the hospital room- diapers, baby outfits, the booger extracter...including those net panties. I kept asking the different nurses for each shift for a new box- and it worked! I had a whole stash to use for weeks- note: you cannot find those net panties anywhere! When I ran out, I no joke wore depends for a week...it was the most unattractive I've EVER felt). Good luck and may the labor fairies grant you a painless, drama free birth!
101. Natalie said:
When my mucus plug fell out with my first kid, I was sure I had somehow done something wrong. I suddenly remembered my grandmother telling me that if I had sex while more than three months pregnant, I'd turn the baby's brain to mush. I actually remember thinking, "Shit! Is that baby brain?!"
Perhaps I should have done my pregnancy reading a little more carefully.
102. Jess said:
Wow! Now Roberta has a friend!
103. tracy said:
When I lost my mucus plug, it looked exactly like I had snotted in my panties. So gross! I thought my water had also broken that morning (no, hubby, I'm sure I didn't just "pee" myself) so after an appt with my obgyn (leaking fluids, not amniotic...huh?? what the hell else is up there??), I was horrified when she told me losing my plug was not indicative of the onset of labor. BITCH! I am (as we all are) on the edge my of seat, waiting for the arrival of not-Maria. And on the name-front, I still have a secret fantasy of you choosing "Ellis" after meeting us in Portland & declaring how much you loved her name. Yes, I am that delusional :)
104. Anonymous said:
As a twenty-something female who A: is contemplating giving birth sometime in the future; B: had never heard of a mucous plug; and C: foolishly Googled it...
Let me just state that I hope I've forgotten about all of this by the time I push out my own spawn.
105. Noelle said:
Oh, that was good... and I am strangely like the one person who said they wanted a picture... probably makes me just as weird...
Good luck!! Maybe you can start with the late fees after the 11th.
106. Shannon @ AnchorMommy said:
I am at once horrified and curious. I never saw my mucous plug when I was about to give birth. Did it fall out into a nurse's hand and she never told me? Or worse - did I leave it in public somewhere? Eck.
Bottom nose -- ha! That is funny.
107. Marissa said:
Oh. MY. GOD.
I did not know what a mucous plug looked like, so I had to go Google it too.
Unfortunately I did so right after lunch...ughhhh.
Well, reason number 347 why I should remember to take my birth control pills...
Good luck with the labor! Can't wait to hear when Not Maria finally shows up!
108. Megan said:
Sorry Heather, I lost my mucus about three weeks before I actually went into labor...
109. Anonymous said:
So funny. Poor Leta - such an education at such a young age. I bet she knows much more than any other five-year-old on the planet.
I never lost a plug, but did lose an 8 week-old fetus, perfectly in tact (in its sac). While the miscarriage was the most traumatic experience ever, seeing and photographing such amazement before giving it to the doctor for testing (but not posting it to come up google images) was better closure than I ever could have asked for.
Don't know what's going on with the comments on the last post. It does not say "comments closed" but is not allowing new ones. #402 Tori - Please do not encourage women to hardly gain any weight during pregnancy. Heather is Heather. Everybody is different. The norm is 25-35 pounds. My doctor told me to gain 40 (though I gained 35), and I was not underweight. http://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20090528/pregnancy-weight-gain-new-guidel... Just trying to save some babies' lives w/ this link!
#409 Alyxherself - While you claim to have appreciated getting molested by your Kennedy-look-a-like OBGYN, how did your husband/partner feel about the pleasure the doc provided you?
110. Sarah said:
I wish my parents would hurry up and go into the other room so I could do a Google image search without frightening them.
What?
111. Mindy said:
Congrats on your impending pregnancy!!
112. RebKas said:
I also never had the joy of knowingly losing mine-- I have 3 babies (2 C-Section and ONE WHO CAME OUT THE WAY GOD INTENDED AND I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ADAM AND EVE AND THAT DAMN APPLE SO WHY AM I PAYING FOR IT??). After seeing what Jon posted on Twitter-- glad I missed it!
113. CookingSchoolConfidential.com said:
This is so like making hollandaise. You whip and you whip and you never think it is going to happen, then, suddenly, you have a hollandaise.
I know, I know, it is disgusting. But that is what I thought of when reading your post.
And if that is what I think of the next time I make a hollandaise, well, you've got no one else to blame but yourself.
I think!
Cheers!
114. Ava said:
YARF!
I'm 6ish months pregnant with my first child and am reading a ton of 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' type books. These books are all 'Death! Die! Bad! Don't! Stop!' and so I've decided to stop reading these books and only read your blog.
This mucous plug though- do Canadians have them? Because what if I'm at the swimming pool or at the grocery store when it explodes forth from my hooner? The thought of that makes my vagina cry a little.
115. Margaret B said:
Oh Heather... here's what I typed up this morning, to all the strangers out there, you might get a kick from it. And since I am officially due before you YOU ARE NOT allowed to go into labor before me!! It's NOT FAIR!!
"No, my water will not break in the chiropractor's waiting room, in the line at Chipotle, while browsing the movies at Target or just because you're looking at me funny. Only one in ten women's water breaks before they go into labor, and I am not in labor. I will try my DARNDEST not to sit down on the floor and have the baby right here in front of you. I would love to have my baby in a room with medical professionals far, far away from you and your establishment. If I do go into labor, I can assure I will leave, not spend the next 10-48 hours here waiting for the baby to crown. Furthermore, it's kind of awkward to talk to you about my bodily fluids. So could you please not make a joke about it? Because I could start talking about bodily fluids and pregnancy and I can guarantee you would be shutting up pretty quickly. The horror, the horror...
Secondly, yes I am due on Thursday. ThisThursday. In two days. But I am probably not going to have a baby on Thursday, because only 5% of women have their babies on their due dates. He might be late. He might wait til next week. There is little magic about Thursday except that it marks 40 weeks of pregnancy. And I can guarantee you that if I get past 40 weeks, I will not take your jokes about being overdue with a grain of salt. I will be a very annoyed pregnant lady.
I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with your story of your sister-in-laws 60 hour labor with a ten pound baby. I'll just leave it at that.
Also, stranger, no, I will not have my baby on the 18th of June because it's your husband's birthday. I don't know your husband, I don't know you, so why would I wait?
And finally, yes, I know what causes this. I went to middle school and I did not skip that PE class.
Let me have my baby in peace, please. I'm already uncomfortable and your jokes about the way I'm waddling don't help. You would waddle too, if you had a head living between your hips. I have a fully grown baby residing inside my body, and yes, I'm aware that it's there. Just let me live out these last few days with whatever dignity and peace I can muster."
116. Jess said:
Had to come back to say I couldn't resist the temptation to google the image. Why I can't say.
I'm speechless. No, wait, I'm not.
The first one I saw looked like a bad oyster. I almost dropped my laptop. Why someone would post a pic of this is beyond me...I suppose it's helpful...but ewwwww!
Keep your chin up, you're almost there!
117. Lish said:
Hmm.
I'm NOT childless and I was mucous plug ignorant as well!
Or perhaps all those years of therapy and Zoloft have paid off and the damned memory is blocked forever.
I don't want to derail anything I've gained during therapy,... so I'm going to have to resist the Google urge.
Darn. Yet another subject I'm going to remain ignorant on.
(pay no attention to my cheerful clueless-and-happy-to-remain-so whistling...)
118. Jenn said:
One step closer! Yay! Of course as you probably know by now, losing your plug does not mean you're necessarily going to give birth within the next day or so. I lost mine three weeks before my daughter decided to make an appearance.
Good luck with everything!
119. Kelli Taylor said:
Seeing a mucous plug, even at Leta's young age, might be good birth control for the next 20 years?!
120. Heather said:
When my good friend (via mass text) that "her plug" came out...
First, I asked my sister-in-law, who was pregnant at the time. She had no idea either.
So out of curiously and because I felt it could be useful information for my pregnant sister...
I totally googled it. Unfortunately I had NO IDEA what was waiting for me on google images...
Nightmares. Horror. And gruesome fascination.
121. Jenn said:
Following you on twitter now. I half expected to see a picture of your mucus plug. I am this close to googling it, but restraining myself. Ewww.
122. lisa mertins said:
holy crap. don't try to read this post while eating a late lunch of lasagna...
123. Chris said:
I'm impressed with how well you parented through Leta's discovery of the mucous plug on the counter. Nice. I think I would need therapy if I found your mucous plug on the counter. She comes from good stock -- she'll be fine.
It's been a while, but I remember losing my mucous plug with all three of our sons. The first one came out about a week before labor, the second one about 24-48 hours prior to labor, and the third [and final] made an appearance about five days before labor. Baby girl will be here soon for certain!
Sending you good juju and lots of warm wishes. I'm excited for you!
124. Louise said:
I went 5 more days after my stupid plug came out. Everyone kept saying "Oh, any day now!" and I would get all excited. I was cursing those people on day 4, swearing never to speak to them again on day 5. My Dr. finally felt sorry for me and broke my water for me. I swear I would have kissed that man if my husband hadn't been standing Right there.
125. Lizzy said:
I think "mucus" and "plug" are two of my least favorite words next to "vagina" and one that I can't type here.
I'm pleased and a little impressed that you used them in one blog. :o)
Ironically, the two words I am supposed to type in below are "controls" and "single". I hope this post does just that. Wrap that rascal, boys.
126. RzDrms said:
it's amazing to me that there are so MANY of us out here whose names are not maria...
127. Tara said:
I just want to thank you from the bottom of my soul for not posting a pic here or on flickr. I'm due in 18 days and figure I'll see my own soon enough.
128. kitchenbeard said:
Somehow I pictured something akin to a boob implant ricocheting off the wals of your bathroom as you ducked like a pregnant ninja.
129. Karen said:
Dear Heather,
I have been reading your blog since Leta was two years old. I have read about your good and your bad times.
I live thousands of miles from you and don't even know you, but I cried a couple of tears of joy when you posted that you were pregnant again. You have helped prove to me exactly why I want to have children.
I wish you all the luck in the world for the birth of little Not Maria.
Can't wait to hear what your really going to call her!
130. Christine said:
God, PLEASE do not post a photo of it, as at least one commenter so far, has suggested. Blech.
I hope everything goes well for you during labor! :D
131. Jennifer said:
I never lost my plug nor did my water ever break. They tried to break it at the hospital but when they did they said nothing came out as my daughter's head was pressed RIGHT UP against my cervix. There's a mental image I'll never get out of my head.
Not to get too personal but...have you and Jon gotten "funky" with each other? I won't go into details but I will say this: I went to see my doctor on a Friday, a week after my due date and nothing was going on. Saturday morning my husband and I spent a little more time in bed than usual, then Sunday evening our daughter was born. I'm just saying. That's all.
132. repliderium.com said:
Seriously- the shit (and mucus) that woman have to go through to procreate makes me glad that it's us and not men. If it were men, we'd have died out after the very first mucus plug hit the cave floor.
133. Ren said:
I think if you cloned Jon you could make a MINT! What a surportive husband you have! I had my husband read your blog and he turned white. And he is the one that turned me onto your site in the first place. :-)
You are close! Good luck - I was close to finding a trampoline to get my daughter out...luckily we were able to get her out by using pressure points in the left ankle. Worth a try.
134. JEN said:
What? NO PHOTO?!! You need to contribute to the internet by ADDING one more photo of a mucus plug. It is your duty!!
Good luck and all that.
J.
135. Erin said:
Just hold your legs together, squeeze really tightly, and it will NEVER happen. That's my suggestion. Or...EAT A DOZEN DOUGHNUTS, RIGHT NOW! WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!
136. amanda said:
I have never had anything "fall out of me" before. This makes me fearful.
137. Anonymous said:
It will happen on Friday. Don't shoot me. I'm not Maria and that's my birthday.
Thanks for the giggle and the best to you all!
138. repliderium.com said:
#114 Ava-
Canadian mucus plugs come with a side of poutine to comfort your crying vagina.
139. Renee said:
Hi Heather
I lost my mucus plug with my first daughter, now 4, three weeks before due date and my body was so clueless that it continued to wait untill we had to go in a surgically remove my by that point 9lb 11oz baby. The second time around, 4 months ago, I NEVER lost the durn thing during pregnancy and after the scheduled c-section, as I was "the worst candidate for VBAC I have ever seen." - a direct quote from my OBGYN. I lost that mucus plug THREE WEEKS POST PARTUM!!!!! For those ladies out there who know that you are an emotional and physical wreak in the time after giving birth just imaging going to the bathroom to discover that your vagina has just blown the world’s most monstrous bloody lugie into your panties.
I was so alarmed that I had to call the dr. just to make sure that mucus plugs could indeed fall out at this point. Fortunately my daughter was not in the bathroom with me at the time(as is her habit)cause I don't think either of us could have handled that conversation at that time, she is already traumatized enough that lady parts have boo boo's
Good luck and thanks for making the day a little funnier!
140. Anna said:
Oh yeah, I lost parts of my mucous plug over and over for days. If I remember correctly, it keeps on recreating itself, so if you're dilated just enough, it just keeps on forming and falling, forming and falling. Mine was not followed by labor. No; the only thing my labor ever followed was a pitocin drip. (I'm a fan of the pitocin drip! It worked for me twice!)
But, you know, at least something is happening. It wouldn't fall out without some dilation happening. I know, Babywatch is maddening. There is no way to make it easier.
141. Shannon said:
I am going to be looking forward to hearing about the arrival of your baby any day now. Seriously. If the plug thing is any indication like it was for me and all those twitters. I was in absolute shock after describing what I thought was a massive blood clot to the nurse on the phone and to have her tell me "You're going to have this baby by the end of this weekend." And she was 100% correct.
Congratulations. I wish you the best with the arrival of your second daughter.
142. whipdizzy said:
My sister is due one day after your due date. We got all excited last week when she was 1cm dilated, only to find out that meant pretty much nothing and she could be that way for some time (and still is this week). What a let down! She's on mucous plug watch now and super anxious to go into labor and get this all over with (due only in part to having her mother in law staying with her until she gives birth!).
And as someone with no kids (or plan for any), I'll be really glad when I never have to hear the term "mucous plug" again!
143. Ted said:
I'm with Jen(134).
144. Caitlin said:
Mucous plug. Mucous. Plug. No one tells you these things! If they would just be really graphic about what actually goes on, teen pregnancy would drop off into the single digit percentile.
145. Anonymous said:
Okay...of course I had a similar situation with my second daughter...and I got her out by a: going swimming b: having sex. I know you don't want to have sex...just do it quick. Threaten him that he must do it, and it must be quick, it won't be great for either of you, but he has got to take one for the team...you'll get a baby quicker. Good luck and God bless.
146. Kelly said:
My mucus plug fell out as well and everyone kept telling me that I was going to have the baby "anytime now." Do not listen to them because it was not an instantaneous thing - she came when she wanted to, just so happened to be RIGHT on her due date. Good luck and best wishes.
147. MotherProof said:
Ah, the "beauty" of childbirth! Glorious!
Lots of luck from the team at MotherProof.com!
148. coleen said:
i had not a clue about this "plug" before pregnancy. but neither did the OB who checked me when i was in labor. he said it was a yeast infection & sent me home...after my water broke.
at least you know what it is/does & that you are sure now. no 48 hour labor for you! my husband would NOT google other peoples nether snot, so you are lucky.
congrats on not maria!
149. Anonymous said:
Dude, west of Mississippi? I'm in Iowa for the next few days... so could you have this baby before Saturday? Not that I want you to be in pain... but hearing you scream all the way here would be so totally cool!
150. just me said:
i dropped my plug on friday, but didn't know what was going on so i went into my dr's office. they ended up admitting to the hospital but let me go after a few hours [still no one explained to me wtf was going on]. healthy baby was birthed on tues - so you're close!
151. Mari said:
At least you know when you lost yours... I no longer remember, it could be anywhere!
152. Shnerfle said:
You're dying to post a picture of it, aren't you. Well, on behalf of your readers, thank you for squashing that little impulse. The mental picture is plenty, thankyouverymuch.
Oh Leta, how long will it be before you tell someone about the boogers from your mommy's "bottom nose"? I would LOVE to be there for that....
153. Michelle said:
Two weeks before my due date, I had an internal exam and was 3 cm dilated. My plug came out about an hour later.
I'm sorry to say I still made it all the way to my due date...
154. Thnx said:
And with that, you have officially jumped the shark. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.
155. Midiane said:
Boy: Humphrey. Girl: Hyacinth.
Like standup, I really wonder what is actually real, as in what is actually said in the Armstrong household, and what is delivered to us on here or Twitter as a way to promote the Dooce brand?
156. Katie said:
SERIOUSLY HEATHER??!! I HAVE BEEN NAUSEOUS FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS BUT HAD MANAGED NOT TO YAK.
AND THEN I READ THIS STUPID POST AND NOW I AM SIPPING 7UP HOPING THE VOMIT CLEARS OUT OF MY NOSE SOON.
157. Carey said:
You really have an amazing way of turning absolutely any subject at all into brilliantly hysterical comedy - from bathroom tile to the things you can balance on your dog's head to mucous plugs. What I love even more about you, though, is that you seem to know just when it might be a good idea to NOT include a photo. Thank you for that.
158. Megan said:
I'm very grateful that the Daily Chuck did not contain a picture of him balancing *that* on his head.
159. Amity said:
I am SOOOOOO jealous! Today is my due date and everything is right where it has been the past 9+ months! I too get the phone calls and e-mails asking if the baby has been born yet. People do not get how annoying this is . . . I'm waiting anxiously too!
160. April said:
I highly recommend opening a bottle of your favorite drink (mine was red wine) on your due date, having a small glass each night, and declaring that there had better be a baby before that bottle is finished!
Sending good wishes for all of you. Thanks for having us along for the ride!
161. Carolyn said:
My son is 7 weeks old now but in the weeks leading up to his birth my mother asked me whether anything had happened yet every. single. day.
Seriously? As if I would give birth and not bother to mention it to her? "Oh, I tried this new brand of Rice-a-roni today and stopped by the bank. By the way, would you like to come see your new month-old grandson this weekend?"
Non-pregnant intimates: Stop asking. We will tell you!
162. Lara said:
Ah, the mucus plug. I was a week later that I had my son after losing mine during my first pregnancy. Four kids later I'd stopped counting but for some reason that first kid sticks out in my memory.
You and Jon now need to go have sex so his sperm can do that thing it does which softens the cervix and can make you go into labor.
You're welcome, Jon.
163. MikeWJ said:
I'd never heard of a mucous plug until today -- just a few minutes ago, in fact. Now, I feel a little nauseous. On the bright side, I plan to go home this evening and show my 14-year-old son pictures of the aforementioned mucous plugs that apparently are available for viewing on Google. That should slow him and his hormones down for a little while. I hope so, anyway.
164. Dad Gone Mad said:
Maybe you should, like, plug it back in. Before it goes flat.
Then again, there's nothing quite like DOOCE: UNPLUGGED.
Can't decide if the fact that we both posted about vasectomies and genitals today is a cosmic sign that we're linked at the soul or a harrowing sign that the apocalypse is upon is -- and it's going to arrive through our crotches.
165. Candice said:
Heather, I am due 6/25 and mine came out Friday too. And nada here. No contractions or anything. Good luck to you though! I hope labor starts soon!
P.S. How ironic is it that the recaptcha I am typing in has the word "snotty" in it? hahahahaha
166. carrie said:
Wow. This post was birth control & appetite suppressant rolled into one. I had no idea about these mucous plug things & my (curious but terrified) brain is still waging a fierce internal battle as to whether or not to google the images. Reading this post reminds me of the time I discovered that most women shit at the same time they give birth (hello doctor!). What other delightful things do pregnant women have to look forward to???
167. SB said:
WHYYY do i want to google images of mucus plugs now?? seriously lady.
won't be long now...good luck to you all!
168. SB said:
WHYYY do i want to google images of mucus plugs now?? seriously lady.
won't be long now...good luck to you all!
169. Robin G. said:
For lack of anything more profound to say... EEEEWWWW.
170. Anne said:
I admit I didn't know what it was so had to google it when I saw you twittered about it.
... and now I won't be having kids for the next 10-15 years.
171. Jennifer said:
I read this post and followed it up by automatically googling "minimum age requirements to get tubes tied if you have no kids"
172. Tiggerlane said:
You know, I had a horrible sense of sadness when my mucus plug fell in the toilet. I knew that no rational human being would retrieve it for an inspection, and wanting to appear rational (knowing that for the prior 9 months I had been anything BUT), I let it sink under some tissue.
Sigh. You better flickr the thing.
173. Yvette said:
I just read that post while eating banana cake with mucous-y looking icing on it. Delicious!
Love your work :D
174. Stephanie said:
Lost my mucus plug at 38 weeks. Had the baby at 42.
But, you know, better luck to you :)
175. Lori Magno said:
OMG! OMG! OMG! I can't wait to read comments about saving the mucus plug in a DNA bank (or something even grosser than fishing it out of the toidy and putting it on the counter)
Welcome new baby NOT MARIA Armstrong!!
:-D
176. Helen said:
Please tell me you didn't save that plug for the baby book. I am fixing to go sign up for Twitter. I need to know when the little punkin doodle arrives. Can't wait! Best of luck, Armstrong family!
177. Christina said:
Dude. I love that you always push the envelope. But I'm so gagging over here. Burned into my wild imagination are the series of events that start with you fishing it out of the toilet - followed by (*gag) you putting on the counter (*lurch, eyes watering) It might take me a few days to shake this...and by then I'm hoping the image of the plug will be replaced with a graphic description of NOT Maria's birth - please PLEASE don't leave out a single bloody, screaming detail....
178. Anonymous said:
Going anonymous b/c this is seriously embarrassing.
I was a big fan of brazilian waxes during pregnancy. I went in for one last waxing on my due date (3 yrs ago today, actually), saw my usual aethetician, chatted happily about "no signs of this baby coming any time soon!" and so on and so forth. Well, I drive home and immediately go to the full length mirror to check for any lingering bits of wax.... and lo and behold, a big fat nasty mucous plug is staring at me from the exterior of my lady parts. *GAG*
If you've had a brazilian wax before, you probably realize that the little strip of paper they call a "panty" covers nothing. So that poor girl who did my wax had to avoid making eye contact with a huge gelatinous mass of gunk that was just hangin' out mere centimeters from her workspace. God bless her, she didn't so much as blink. Three years later, I still feel like I should have sent her a giant bouquet of roses for the trauma.
Oh, and it was another four days before I went into labor.
179. Maxine Dangerous said:
*snort!!* I love you. :) And arcing back to the Old News Files, I also thought the picture with a beer tucked into the maternity jeans was CLAS-SIC. :D
180. Liz said:
I lost my mucous plug and continued to walk around very pregnant with my first for two very long weeks, losing more and more mucous plug every day. I found out later that those little buggers can regenerate themselves. I'm pretty sure mucous plug loss is another of God's evil tricks to mess with us in the last weeks of pregnancy.
181. steph said:
Thank you for the update. We were wondering.
182. Kristie said:
With my third son (2 1/2 weeks old), I didn't go into labor until 6 days after I lost my mucus plug. First son was only 12 hours. Also, in case you are wondering, it's not so easy to type while breastfeeding. Good luck Heather.
183. slow-1 said:
Ok, this might be a case of way to much information.
184. Queen Zucchini said:
a) jealous. even if it could still be weeks, at least it's something. a little sign your body's gettin' some where with this whole getting the baby out of you thing. i'm starting to think mine will never come out.
b) you were actually able to grab onto it and put it on the counter??? fascinating...my first was not exactly something to grab onto. curious about googling images....but not curious enough ;) Good luck. I hope you soon have a gushing of water and real contractions and out pops that baby in record time :D
185. bonnie said:
Thank you for not posting a picture of your mucous plug. I will take your word for it that it looked exactly how you described...
186. Prue said:
The single most annoying thing about nearing your due date in pregnancy is the idiots who ring up to check if you have had it yet. I am with you. As if we wouldn't have f*&king told them... And those people could never understand why you got annoyed with them!! Idiots.
187. Jen said:
Good Luck! I'm just jealous that you had a noticeable plug-none of mine popped like that! BTW-My 3 yr old son saw the "Looking West" photo and said "OOOO-I love that place, can we go?" LOL! Again, best wishes with baby.
188. Lesley said:
Your courage to write humorously and openly about "this sort of thing" rocks my world.
Counting down 5-4-3-2-1 for the first shame-filled loon - who is disconnected from the physical world except when it comes to stuffing her own face with cheetos - to comment on how terrible you are for describing a biological reality. (One that God made, for all those God-believers out there. Yes, God made mucous plugs.)
That said, can't science find a new name for it? Something like Female Champagne Cork?
189. jana said:
With my first pregnancy, I lost my mucous plug and went into labor within the hour. With my second, I lost my mucous plug on Dec. 4 (the day after an exam to check my cervix, fwiw) and had the baby Dec. 27.
190. jessica's mom said:
After that visual I am going to embrace my hot flashes. Good luck.
191. Meagan Dockens said:
I love you guys! You can always make me laugh =)
Heather - best wishes with all this, I am sure that you will do fine
192. sweetpea said:
All i can say is-- enjoy it while it lasts. time still still for nobody. We are all getting old, and will get sick and die. We will ALL Die! every one of us. all our parents, our partners, our kids, our relatives and our friends... we will , someday, be alone with nobody who loves us unconditionally.
On that note-
Good Luck
193. Tori said:
I had my son within 24 hours of the mucous plug extravaganza. Though, in that same 24 hours I ate a whole pineapple and a clove of garlic and got one of those supposedly labor inducing pedicures. I was desperate.
Good luck!
194. Lesley said:
P.S. I pray for your sake you don't have a Gemini baby. I was born June 12th and have a few issues.
Seriously, the whole family, including the dogs, will need Prozac to keep up with a Gemini. Think of a human Cocoa.
195. Amy said:
I don't think I can emotionally handle the physical happenings of being pregnant and giving birth. I am one of the innocent little kittens that had never heard of such a thing and HOLY HELL I had to google it myself. YIKES.
196. Nicole said:
I agree with #188. They should rename it.
197. Firefly said:
I answered the phone the other night and my friend goes, "I LOST MY MUCOUS PLUG!" and I shouted out to my husband on the deck, "L. lost her mucous plug!" before I realized our neighbor was out there with him. I didn't think anything of it until I saw the look on their faces. After the gross stuff of pregnancy and birth, my modesty is gooooone.
198. Erika said:
When I lost my plug with my second son, I got all excited and had my parents make the 10 hour drive to our house. 6 days later, I was begging my doctor to induce me. Thankfully, he was a sympathetic soul.
199. Elizabeth_K said:
I never lost my mucous plug, except I must have because I have a 14-month-old baby. Still --- I hope your labor starts SOON and is EASY!
200. Michele said:
Maybe someone said this already? I haven't read all the posts. I've lost three mucus plugs in the last 9 years & time is of the essence around here, dig?
Anyway, I'm an L&D nurse and I'm sorry to say, this could mean you'll have your baby tonight or in 3 weeks. The docs throw this tid-bit around to keep you off their backs. Trust me.
Open a bag of chips and settle in for some Deadliest Catch tonight.
*mwah*
201. Manic Mommy said:
When all three of my kids' umbilical cord stumps fell off, I mailed them to my mother. Cuz that's the kind of shit we do in our family.
I also kept my IUD when the doctor removed it in March. And I told him not to wash it off cuz I wanted to see if a bunch of slime and shit congealed onto it.
Did you finally flush the plug?
202. mdog said:
So the pic of Chuck with a mucus plug on his head is coming soon?
203. Elizabeth said:
I don't know if anyone has already said something to this effect (sorry, I can't read all the comments), and this may just annoy you, but my second baby took another THREE WEEKS after the plug popped out. Every couple of days I went to the doctor to remind him and he kept saying "Should be later today." It was torture. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, but don't freak if you don't go into labour this week.
204. KAS said:
I never got to see my mucus plug with my older son - my water spontaneously broke three weeks early without a single contraction before it. .. Okay, it wasn't "spontaneously", I was trying too damn hard to have an orgasm. Better? :P
I'm sort of looking forward to seeing it this time - not so much because I think looking at a big, bloody, gooey pile of vaginal mucus sounds like a field day, but because I don't want to have to Google pictures of anybody ELSE'S plug to get to see what it looks like. :P (Okay, I just did it because I'm a total jackass and I regret it hardcore. Just so you know.)
I'm 34 weeks, finally, and you're not too damn far in front of me .. Sigh. As for when you go into labor, well, I'm just barely on the other side of the Mississippi to the east - if I walk maybe 100 feet I can look at it from a relatively decent distance. Think I'll still hear you? :P
205. Plano Mom said:
My one regret at the arrival of not-Maria is that you will take a break from these incredibly hilarious posts. Hoping everything goes smoothly and painlessly.
206. Whozat said:
Anonymous #13 made me laugh because I had kind of the opposite experience.
My labor started with my water breaking (at 4 am, as I slept) and it leaked and mini-gushed as we got packed (I was at 36 weeks - no bag packed!), went to the hospital, labored, yada yada yada.
At what turned out to be 10 cm, I was on my hands/knees when the midwife checked me, and as she withdrew there was another HUGE gush. I assumed this was more amniotic fluid, disturbed by the exam, but it was alot, so I said, "Oh, wow."
She said, very reassuringly, "It's ok hon, you're just peeing."
Oh. You could've just let me think it was amniotic fluid.
Twenty minutes later (there was a bit of vacuum assistance at the end), in a perfect like-mother-like-daughter moment, as she was in my arms and the midwife was clamping her cord, she peed all over me!
207. Anonymous said:
When I had my second kid, I opted out of the epidural because I didn't want to pay for it. Extra donuts were free, but the spinal was a separate thousand dollar bill. Yes, I am totally that cheap.
208. Anonymous said:
Freud had it wrong, there is no such thing as Penis envy, it's vagina envy, men can't grown a human and we can!
209. Jessica said:
omg...poon slug is my new absolute favorite derogatory term....now I juts need to find a douchebag to bestow the title upon. Hillarious!
210. Little Miss Moi said:
Dear dooce. Oh I've been guilty of leaving surprises in the bathroom. When I was 19 it was vomit from a big night out. When I was 28 it was bright red blood clots from a post partum haemhorrage. The first one, I didn't remember (my little bro found it). The second one I couldn't move to clean it up (got carted to hospital in an ambo).
The lesson is: always approach a bathroom as warily as if you know your smelly husband has just been on the loo. Teach this to thy young.
211. Amy said:
I scanned the comments to see if anyone else was as glad as I am you didn't post a picture of your mucous plug. I'm not. I love you and your blog and maybe I've read it too much or not enough. But, all the while reading this entry, I scrolled very slowly. Oh, I probably would have looked if it had been there. So, all I can say is thank you for not shaming me over my will power weakness against sick fascination.
Armstrong Labor Watch 2009 was on for sure on after your Twitter post. I think I checked Twitter and dooce.com once every hour over the weekend.
Anyway, all sick stalker-blog-reader nonsense aside - best wishes to you and your family. I hope when labor gets rolling it's quick and Not Maria is as perfect as can be.
212. Rowdy Grammy said:
Do you think we will hear you in Australia? I'll be listening and sending you good thoughts.
213. Kim said:
I never even lost mine.... but I would never dare google that. I have googled some nasty things during my pregnancy to understand my symptoms. Not that! I guess you will have a baby any day now!
214. bklyn76 said:
oooh, how exciting! is leta prepared for the complete angst she is going to feel not being the center of her parents' attention? along with giant slugs crawling through the drain, therapy will be full of stories about how she has to share her monthly letters with a wrinkly, screaming, pint-sized person.
sending you lots of happy labour vibes!
215. plugfan said:
to warn the other morbidly curious: upon google image searching "mucous plug" you will see a lot of GOAT GENITALIA. I found that grosser than the plugs themselves.
I'm going to go take my "the pill" now...
216. dooce said:
You guys, these are some of the funniest comments ever. I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying. Thank you!
217. justjp said:
Lol! All I have to say is I am thankful no image was provided for this incident.
218. Marina said:
I lost my mucuous plug (well, less of a plug and more like a gigantic bung) about 20 minutes before I gave birth. Then again, I went from 0cm-10cm dilated faster than a Ferrari F60 (though not quite as quick as a Brawn BGP001).
219. Kari said:
Ah, the Internet has improved since the day two years ago when I lost my mucous plug, placed it on a tissue on the bathroom counter, and googled for images. I think I found one or two. I also did not go into labor anytime soon after that.
220. Amy said:
Haha!
Mine came out over the course of a few days with my 2nd and 3rd kiddos. About a week after that started that I actually went into labor.
With my first, it all plopped out in one sitting (literally, when I was using the bathroom), I began feeling contractions within a few hours. By the next afternoon, he was out.
Therefore, with all of my vast experience and junk, I predict you're going to have the baby at some point. Maybe by July.
221. Ramie said:
I, too, am anxiously awaiting the arrival of your baby! Is that weird? Maybe...I am 6 months preggers, and hearing the story of the mucus plug nearly made mine fall out due to the extreme laughter coming from my office! Thanks! I needed that! My 3 year old is just staring at me like WTF?
222. Restless Mama said:
I think that this is my most favorite post of all time. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically throughout this. Thank you for the laugh - I needed a serious wake up call after feeling like a slug for the past couple of hours at work. My day will now feel normal having read about mucus plug.
223. nia said:
Passed my plug at work. Totally freaked out. Had the baby TWELVE DAYS LATER.
224. Randi said:
One more reason to add to my list of why not to have kids! ...but I love Chuck!
225. AUSSiechic said:
Never saw one, never had it appear - so at least you get to see the damn thing....lucky you.....40 weeks and NOTHIN.....so lets face it - you still have PLENTY OF TIME.....sorry..had to say that!!!! I tell you I reckon the last 10 days or so seem longer than the entire pregnancy......oh the waiting waiting waiting....
226. Carolyn said:
YOU SAID: "Sperm Provider! Go crawl into your dark corner and nurse your fragile emotions, because I am about to give birth! TO A HUMAN! OUT OF MY VAGINA!
It must be so sad for men to live their whole lives knowing that they can never say anything that trumps that particular declaration."
AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN!
Mine passed about 3 WEEKS before she was born! From the stage of your effacement you mercifully will not have to wait that long.
i am excited for you and can't wait to meet the newest member of your family. Enjoy these days! Best wishes!!!
227. jenny talia said:
Jeeeesus Heather!
You sure know how to make a girl cross her legs
Thanks for putting all thoughts of a 3rd child WAY out of my mind
I'd forgotten how fun it was!
JT
x
228. Audie said:
Man...I lost mine 2 1/2 weeks ago. Today is my due date and still nothing. Not even a hint at labor. I am being induced on Thursday.
229. Kage said:
Oh yeah, I lost mine 6 WEEKS before I gave birth.
You can re-grow your mucus plug....best.
230. Kelly Marsh said:
OH MY GOD!!!! I am due June 19th and I lost my mucus plug on Friday morning too!!! You and I are so much alike! I can't tell you how much reading your site has helped me through my pregnancy - this is my first. I have had my husband come to this site so many times so he could understand better how I am feeling. You are a God send!!!! Just had an appointment today and I'm at 2+....not far enough! Here's to project dilation!!
231. Claddyjack said:
ewww - mucous plug - why have I never heard of that before!? Probably because I've never given birth. Good luck Heather!
232. momma2731 said:
Seriously. The name. Because it wasn't nasty enough that we women have to pass that thing, now modern science gives it an even douchier name?
We called mine The Wine Cork. Anytime my husband or my OB would start to say mucus plug, I would interupt them and say, "AH! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Wine Cork. It is the WINE CORK, and if you call it anything else, I will punch you in the mouth."
Cuz, you know, I'm friendly like that.
Good luck!!!!!!!
233. SuzieQ said:
Just like Christmas!!
234. carla said:
Congratulations on the mucus plug! I was due a few days after you and I ended up delivering on May 29th to a 10lb 6oz boy. I never lost my mucus plug though.
235. Emma said:
I was expecting a picture of it balanced on Chucks head?! I guess a line has to be drawn somewhere...
236. Sheri said:
Here's hoping for delivery on June 10th! My son turns 16 tomorrow. I think I'd rather lose my mucus plug than give him the keys to the car!
237. Kate said:
Yeah, the mucous plug is a pretty gross snotty looking thing. I took mine out of the toilet and carried it through the house to show my husband when I was pregnant with my son, and again when pregnant with my daughter. I'm not sure guys quite get the significance of it, especially when you don't typically go into labor until a few days or a week later. For me, the "bloody show" proved to be the indicator that things were about to get moving.
238. Kathleen said:
I think I might have to make myself a "Team Armstrong Labor Watch 2009!" t-shirt. The mucous plug can be our mascot!
If you'll allow a little mushy here...thank you for sharing this journey. It really is a privledge to be along for such an awesome ride.
Team Armstrong Labor Watch 2009! You labor, We drink!
239. Kim said:
That's fantastic. When my sister was in the hospital in labor the first time, she went to use the bathroom and yells, "call the nurse! I just shit a slug!"
240. Lee Anne said:
Yeah, speaking of "trumping," my husband/sperm provider always thought that his multiple deployments and going to war trumped anything and everything I could ever possibly go through. THEN, two months ago, he witnessed me enduring twenty hours of labor without an epidural followed by a c-section. It's a draw...
241. Sara said:
Good luck with everything, Heather. I'm sure you will be great! I just finished reading your book on Saturday, and I feel like I am in on it, now. Good vibes are headin' your way!
242. Lauren said:
Can I just declare my love for you right here and now? Seriously, I don't know what I did before I started reading your blog, and I'm not sure I could go on with my life without it now ;) Hope baby comes soon, and that labor is short and painless ;)
243. Edwina said:
The Twittering about the mucuos plug was really the nail in the coffin for me.
I had no idea there was such a thing. And clicking on that link to the images? I can never un-see that.
I will never reproduce.
And if I do? I plan to be unconscious for the whole process. Knock me out at the first contraction, yank it out and then wake me up with a margarita and pain-killers.
244. dana said:
what no daily pic?
245. Anonymous said:
Holy crap. What with the trauma of Jon's tweet (yeah, I totally clicked..) and now this, I'm crossing my legs. I went to Catholic school where sex ed consisted of telling us about STDs and how IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU WILL DIE! ... They should have just had us all read dooce.com. We were willing to risk syphilis, but mucus plugs? That's some effective contraception right there.
246. Ata said:
I am disappointed, I thought for sure you would add to google's collection and post a picture; or at least put it in the daily style section. haaahaaa! Go Maria! Jon quit looking at other people's mucus plug! =)
247. kelie said:
oh my god. i had no idea what you were talking about, and stupidly goodled it, and now am fighting the urge to throw up...that is SO GROSS and why doesn't anyone tell you about this when they talk about the joys of having a baby? i'm a 35 year old woman, and i've NEVER heard of this!
eeeewwwwww!!!!!!
248. Ingrid said:
I'm only commenting to say that my captcha is "lloyd edna", and I believe that's what you should name that baby.
249. Julie said:
With great trepidation I searched "clay colored stool" a bit ago and was surprised that I found zero poop pictures. Even though I undertook the search of my own free will I have to admit being pretty relieved as well. >_<
250. Mimi said:
I saw this video today and it reminded me of something you would write about happening on the way to your delivery!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujX8jKQSkIg
251. Sonya said:
I google imaged the same thing and was kind of disappointed at how few images came up and I swore I was going to photograph mine when the time came. Mine was unphotographable slime though. Best of luck! Unplug the phone!
252. Anonymous said:
I just googled "mucous plug" and SO wish I hadn't.
How can NONE of my bazillion friends and family members who have had children have mentioned this to me?
They're keeping it from me so that I will reproduce!
Never. NEVAAAAH!!!
253. Rachael said:
At least you didn't put your mucus plug in a baggie and take it in to show the doctor. Please, tell me you didn't do that -- did you?!
254. Amity said:
This is the first time you've shocked me
255. Jen said:
Hi Heather -
I became, um, unplugged (and boy, did I use that joke around the house) on Saturday and gave birth on Wednesday. My normally helpful Dr, however, told me that I MIGHT GROW A NEW ONE.
Mucous plugs: just when you think pregnancy can't get any weirder. . .
Best wishes for an easy labor!
256. Coelecanth said:
Ah yes, the mucous plug. Long before I'd even met the mother of my child I decided to take a read through a pregnancy book. Why? Because I'm curious like that. I got as far as the mucous plug and gave up, figuring there are some things man wasn't meant to know. :) Mind you, that little knowledge came in handy, "You're pregnant? Great!... Trimester...Mucous plug....Fetal development..." I had her believing for almost a week that I was totally up on all things pregnancy. Damn you Braxton-Hicks contractions! Because of you I had to read the rest of the book...
Best of luck.
257. Colleen said:
This post totally made me gag a little. And I have the world's strongest stomach. And also, congratulations on your (very) impending addition.
258. Misha said:
I am a labor and delivery nurse. I also have a phobia about mucous. One night, a patient brought me her mucous plug in a ziploc baggy. I almost puked on her.
Not to rain on your parade, but losing your mucous plug is really not a accurate clinical indicator of the beginning of labor. Some women lose their plug and do not give birth for WEEKS. Sorry.
259. web designer said:
Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. But at the same time, I can't help but worry for Leta.
Great work Dooce.
260. Lilli said:
Fine, I'll ask the question no one has asked yet: DID YOU SMELL IT?!
That seemed much more funny and obvious until I typed it.
Oh, well.
261. Michelle S said:
Just please tell me you didn't save it for not Maria's baby book. . . I can't even deal with people saving baby teeth and hair, and I've had two children! Funny post
262. DomGoddess said:
Thought I'd share. A recent post to my pregnant friend:
You think retching into the toilet after your husband sprays cologne is the worst of it? Just wait until your tits are the size of your head, and veined like a summer watermelon. Motherhood will rock your world like no man ever has--or will. And no one tells you this, but your breasts will hurt like hell when the milk comes in, on day three. It's like a second labor, except that you are working on 2 hours of sleep.
And don't even think about bottle-feeding, unless you want to deprive your child of an immune system.
And one more thing. Toddlers have a desperate need for your undivided attention-- on average--once every 1.5 minutes, they've done studies.
Just take the energy level you had pre-pregnancy, and divide it by half. That's what you're working with until they get into Jr. High. So fuck gummy bears. Eat your Wheaties. :)
I love how your peeps are trying to be nice, but I gotta tell it like it is. Then it will seem easier when you've got cold cabbage leaves stuffed into your bra.
263. martha said:
.........now someone else said this first,(which means it wasn't me)
we want to see a photo of said mucous plug
I have had 2 kids and never saw a mucous plug
curious............all I can think of is a mushy cork!
264. Denise said:
Hey...for those of us East of the Mississippi that might (I say MIGHT) not hear the screaming...please be sure to let us know so when the rest of the package drops out so we can celebrate with you!!
265. Becky said:
My plug came out two weeks pre due date and I went over due. I'm thinking you'll keep for another two weeks.
266. Tracey said:
LOL loving the mucus plug talk... With my first, mucus plug came 4 days before bub arrived. With my second, about 10 hours before.
Plugs don't indicate anything other than you're still pregnant. :P
267. L.A. Story said:
Yeah, the good ol' mucous plug. I had my daughter a couple days after I was introduced to that slimy little guy. But not before calling my doctor to say WTF? She was in church at the time and did not take kindly to my call. I was scared, she was angry that I interrupted. I love church and all, but gotta a new doctor after birth.
268. Mary@Holy Mackerel said:
I remember when mine came out with my second child. Into the toilet. I called for my husband and told him what I thought had just happened, and he told me I had to stop talking about it because he was about to pass out...no googling for my man.
269. Erin said:
fwiw, i lost my mucous plug @ 33 wks & didn't have my son until his due date. hang in there ;)
270. Barbara said:
You called your husband "sperm provider". Awesome.
271. Cupcake Murphy said:
Good god that was funny. If you ever run into my nephew don't tell him I told you this but when he was 4 yrs old he saw his baby sister's hooha while her diaper was being changed and asked what THAT was and my sister kind of explained and he responded "oh. right. her front butt." BOTTOM NOSE reminded me of that. Hilarious!!
272. jen in co said:
I remember a lot of people telling me the SAME thing -- 24-48 hours -- got my hopes up big time, but alas, nothing until eight days later. I kept thinking maybe I had a spare mp.... like one is not enough.
273. joyluck76 said:
Your post made me snort while LOLing. Then, as if that weren't enough, spew coke out of my mouth AND nose in the following sentence. Thanks for the endorphin spike. Good luck pushing that kid out.
274. Elizabeth said:
My middle child was born less than 4 hours after my MP fell out. Hope your time is short!!
275. Enna said:
I clicked on Jon's link and saw pictures of the mucous plug.
Thanks for the remind to fill my birth control prescription. For the rest of my life.
(That came off mean but I didn't mean it to sound mean. That is just one of those things I never learned about in health class. And SWEET CRAP thank God I didn't, or I never would have eaten again.)
276. Juanita said:
Hola Heather :)
I lost my mucus plug with 2 of my 3 kids and my kids were born more than 2 weeks later.
If you want to have your baby (why people want that is beyond me- let the baby relax and you too! Because having a baby is nonstop once it comes out)
I ate spicy mexican and some pineapple and went into labor that nite (I was a week past my due date)
Another time I did the "deed" and that nite went into labor
The last kid (born a year ago) did not want to come out for anything so I had to be induced about a week past my due date.
Good luck!
I sure hope you do tweet during your labor. That would be awesome :)
277. ...love Maegan said:
um, yeah. kinda gross.
278. Ms. E said:
So I almost googled pics of other people's plugs. Geez, am I that easily influenced?! And then the horror dawned on me, so I didn't. I grew up with a lot animals and I've seen plenty o' goat plugs to last me forever. Is that worse? Maybe, but...no...the plug of a goat you take care of is not like images of random stranger plugs.
279. kage said:
Even though reading about the whole mucous plug thing was gross (and hilarious), all I want to do right now is google a picture of a mucous plug. I don't want to see it....I need to.
280. Jiyin said:
SO FUCKING GROSS. I LOVE IT.
281. Lee said:
So I'm a newlywed and was thinking about starting a family soon-ish. Hadn't thought about a mucus plug. Might wait a little longer. My husband thanks you! (By the way we saw your reading at B&N in Tribeca a few months ago and loved it!)
282. Alyssa said:
Icky! Glad I adopted and don't feel the need to birth any children because that just sealed the deal for birthin' babies out of these lady bits.
283. Sherryl said:
I wonder how many people googled images of mucous plugs after reading this? Good luck with the pushing a human out of your vagina thing!
284. amy said:
I feel gyped as I never saw my mucos plug(s).
My first one went into labor naturally but I never saw it and my second was a planned c-section. So no plugs for me.
I think I would have really liked seeing that too. :(
285. Rachel said:
I fell to temptation. Damn.
Although, I'm probably one of the few here that have not been deterred from having children soon because of this!
I must be weird.
286. Landis said:
I'm the father of two children, but never heard about this mucous plug thing. So, I just had to do it. I Googled it, too. First I read about it. Then I clicked on Images. So, so, so gross. I'm sorry I put a woman through that...twice.
287. Anne said:
Put THAT on Chuck's head.
288. erin said:
my mucous plug fell out at 35 weeks, my water broke at 37 weeks. so basically, it could happen anytime, which is nothing definite.
289. Amyinbc said:
Must check Jon's page. Have never seen one and have 3 kids!
I was so eager to get the twins out I did tons of raspberry leaf tea, castor oil, sex and jumping. In the end I had to be induced (liver shutting down, itchy as hell and YELLOW!) But on the bright side I had them both within 2.5 hours, yeahoo! Was told no epidurals available as I was considered 'low risk' (With TWINS, one BREECH, and my liver shutting down?!) Thankfully did not need one because I think if I had I would have killed all of the doctors and administrators in that hospital :)
All the best to you. I keep checking, 'has she had it??, has she had it?' Ahh the last bit is tough!
290. hootenannie said:
Tears.
Of laughter.
Of horror.
Of the knowledge that this could one day be me.
291. Anonymous said:
Best of luck, sweetie. We'll all be cheering for you.
J.
292. Woo said:
More than anything else, I'm amazed that there are images of mucus plugs online. I don't know why that amazes me, considering that what you are about to go through (you know, pushing a baby out of your hoo-ha) in a day or two is pretty freaking amazing. Oh wait. You're not going to post a picture of it are you? By "it" I meant the MP, not the birth.
293. Old Momma said:
Sorry to burst your bubbble but...mucous plug to labor was two weeks for me. Love your column/site!
294. Amy H said:
Gross.
And also, I lost my mucus plug 2 weeks before I had my kid, who came one week late. what a tease!
295. AmberStar said:
Oh my God! I had three children and read about the mucous plug, but never even saw the thing and haven't thought about it/them again until now.
296. haus said:
Sorry, doll.
My girlie was born last year on the 14th - a GREAT day to have a baby, since if you run out of ideas for party themes you can always fall back on the old red-white-and-blue.
297. Karen said:
Long time reader, first time commenter. This post cracked me up. You have all my well-wishes for a easy and healthy labor!
karen
298. Kristen McD said:
Deep breaths. I was 5cm (FIVE! CENTIMETERS!) dilated for a week before I went into labour. That mucous plug of mine was LONG GONE. Which is not very helpful, I know. I hope Not Maria's getting her act together.
299. Rocky said:
I was in horror a few months ago when I had to explain to my four year old where she actually pooped out from. My side went a little something like this...
"You poop out of your anus... No honey, that's your clitoris."
I walked away shaking my head. I had four boys before her and not once had to explain what a clitoris was.
I guess I should be lucky that she wasn't witness to a mucus plug. You are brave.
Good luck and may you have a VERY quick labor!!
300. Lauren From Texas said:
You are amazing. I love you. There is no other way to say it. I am so glad you wrote about this, because I have never heard of such a thing. And knowing me, I would be 9 months pregnant, out would pop that thing, and I would tell my husband, OH MY GOSH, A GIANT BOOGER POPPED OUT OF MY VA-JAY-JAY, I AM DYINGGGGGGG. Luckily now, with the aid of Dooce and Google Images, I will be prepared.