Just in case you were having second thoughts about that vasectomy
Friday morning I was minding my own business when out popped my mucous plug. Guys, I don't know how to put it more delicately than that. It is what it is.
I wanted to make sure that it was, in fact, a mucous plug, and not, say, the leaking brain of a reptilian parasite, so I retrieved it with a piece of tissue and set it on the countertop in the bathroom so that I could cross-reference it with a slew of images found on Google. You just go ahead and process that, DUDE WHO REFUSES TO WEAR A CONDOM. Because this was not a scientific experiment I was willing to go alone. No. In fact, I called out to Jon from the bathroom, "Hey, SPERM PROVIDER. OPEN UP A WEB BROWSER."
Yeah. So. My mucous plug. Are you one of the innocent little kittens who has never heard of such a thing? Let me give you the brief explanation I gave to Leta when she got home from school, ran unknowingly into the bathroom to go potty, and came out going WHAT IS THAT THING ON THE COUNTER?! Hoo boy! And you thought blogging about my kid was abusive? I'm not so sure I've done anything as reckless as leaving my mucous plug just lying there in plain sight of a five-year-old. Because one day she's going to be talking to her therapist about the recurring nightmare she's suffered for the last twenty years, the one where a giant slug crawls up through the sink in the bathroom, jumps off the edge of the countertop onto her head and sucks her face off.
So I pulled up Wikipedia, showed her what a uterus is, and explained that what she saw in the bathroom was a collection of mucus that seals the opening of the cervix. And since I'm so close to my due date it's not a big deal that mine sort of fell out. She said it looked like what happens when I blow my nose, and Jon, a writhing mess of nerves who had just combed through hundreds of images of SOMEONE ELSE'S MUCOUS PLUG, goes, "Yeah, her bottom nose!" Haha. Funny one, Sperm Provider! Go crawl into your dark corner and nurse your fragile emotions, because I am about to give birth! TO A HUMAN! OUT OF MY VAGINA!
It must be so sad for men to live their whole lives knowing that they can never say anything that trumps that particular declaration.
When I twittered about this development several people replied to tell me that they had given birth within 24-48 hours of passing their own plugs, and suddenly Armstrong Labor Watch 2009 was on. Except, nothing has happened since then. Not a damn thing, not even a fake contraction. And today four of our siblings have called to ask if we've had the baby yet, and I'm all, you have got to be kidding me. Do you think we'd up and have this kid and not call anyone? YOU WILL KNOW WHEN I GO INTO LABOR. Anyone living west of the Mississippi will hear the screaming.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
301. Ray said:
"It must be so sad for men to live their whole lives knowing that they can never say anything that trumps that particular declaration."
^^Hahaha! I loved that. =D This entry is all sorts of awesome. I hope you give birth to baby Armstrong soon. ;o)
Take care.
302. bridget said:
Sorry, I laughed at Jon's "bottom nose" comment. I'm 20-something weeks pregnant and some days already feeling over it. So please forgive me.
I've even heard you can regenerate a mucous plug if you loose it early in pregnancy. But don't trust that info...
Hope the labor, whenever it gets here, is as pain-free and surprise-free as possible. But you and Donnette may still have a ways to go.
303. AmberStar said:
Oh dear...I just googled it! Good thing I didn't ever see one of my mucous plugs. This is the first time I'm glad I cannot have any more children....and probably for more reasons than a mucous plug.
Hope your labor is easy and your daughter, Notmaria is wonderfully healthy and you are, too.
304. Niki said:
I had no doubt what it was when I saw it (on Mother's Day morning), and 36 hours later my 17 year old was born.
305. Christy said:
Here's a fun little tidbit from my OB: Your mucous plug can actually regenerate! You could relive this joyous experience again before giving birth! It happened to me!
Helpful, huh? I remember being so annoyed by the women who felt the need to share this sort of completely unsolicited info at the end of my pregnancy, and look at me now, I've become one of them. What happened to me?
306. Jz said:
There have been a lot of suggestions as to how to hurry the appearance of N-M. I don't recall seeing anything that made me think you were dying to get this party started. Maybe I'm projecting....
When I was being induced and checked for the upteenth time, by the same woman who checked me a few weeks earlier when I had pre-term labor, the one with the SERIOUS manicure, when she broke my water I asked if she saw the mucous plug and she said "Oh, that's LONG gone."
Now I find myself wondering, how did she know it was "LONG gone". OH MY GOD, did she snag that on her talons during my pre-term check?????? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Labor in Vegas. Nothing quite like it.
307. Sharon said:
And here I was wondering if you'd be sharing so close to her birthday. What was I thinking? ;-) Now I guess we're on water-break watch? This is just so exciting. I wish you'd follow me back on Twitter, youze guys. Best wishes. sharbowers
308. Margie from Melbourne Australia said:
This made me laugh and dry reach all at the same time. thanks!!
309. Britte said:
Your pregnancy journals are excellent reminders for me to take my birth control pills. Thank you for that. Oh and thank you for giving me all sorts of ideas to call my future sperm provider when I'm mad at him for knocking me up (way, way in the future).
310. Meredith said:
People, it's called a MUCOUS plug. MUCOUS. What did you think it was going to look like? A sandwich?
311. Audra said:
If only that could have been the photo of the day... :)
312. renae said:
that's how i explain a mucous plug to those who haven't ever had the pleasure:
"it looks like your vagina just sneezed. oh, and you have a nasty, nasty cold."
faaaaaaabulous. we are all excited for Armstrong Labor Watch 2009. genius.
313. superkittn said:
You are so frickin' hilarious and disgusting. We should be friends.
314. dywags said:
at least you had yours come out all at once - my vajayjay was snoting for like a week and then a week later i had the baby
315. Lyndsey said:
Hilarious!! Omg! I remember being scared to death of the 'plug' that came out for me...totally disgusting! I went into labor about two weeks after mine fell out :-)
316. CJ said:
Having never been pregnant, I was fascinated with this concept of a "mucus plug". I didn't really even think it sounded that gross. I've had my period, that must be kind of similar right?
So I googled it.
OH GOD. OHHH GODDD MY EYESSSS. I don't think I've ever had my gag reaction freak out so bad.
My sympathies for you and your lost plug. And your daughter. I'm now going to avoid getting pregnant for my entire life.
317. C said:
EEEEEEEEEWW, I had never heard of such a thing so of course googled it and now I feel sick. Thanks a lot! I had no idea!!!!
318. Amy said:
I think my nightmares are going to be full of mucousy things tonight. Just that word is awful.
319. ecobabe said:
My daughter popped something out of her nose this morning that could have passed for a mucous plug.
Good wishes Heather as your body and mind prepare for the labour ahead. I'm on Dooce baby watch already. I can't wait for your baby news.
320. Angie said:
Ahh! I remember the mucus plug, haha. It took me another 2-ish weeks to go into labor :( You can't be preggo forever. We'll be listening for screams over here in Washington!
321. Sara said:
I didn't go into labor for NINE weeks after I lost my mucus plug! Just kidding...I just had to join the mucus plug contest.....four kids and I missed the whole mucus plug thing? I feel left out that I too do not have a picture of my mucus plug.
Now, this is where It gets weird...I read this post earlier today...and seriously thought about the word mucus plug all day. when I went to the grocery store I wanted to stop in the middle of the isle and yell out "Oh no I lost my mucus plug!" And see if anyone wanted to help me find it...I didn't-I figured my children are embarrassed of me enough as it is.
Oh and one last thing..I was so disturbed by the availability of mucus plug pictures that I had to google a few other of my favoite topics: broken toenails and earwax....nasty.
322. Kelley said:
You are the funniest woman on the planet. I hope the whole labor, birth and breastfeeding stuff doesn't interfere with your posting. I would miss it too much. I had a c-section so no plug experiences for me but I was soooo huge with my son that I kept falling down when getting in the car. I felt like a life-size VW Beetle.
323. A said:
Bleh! I've had two kids and NO signs of a mucous plug, placenta or pain during childbirth.
I had LOTS of drugs. Yee Haw.
Best of luck...
324. Heather said:
Oh how I know how you feel: ready to be done with the pregnancy, ready to meet Not-Maria, ready for the baby blues and the postpartum shit(not).
I lost my mucous plug a full three weeks before I delivered my third baby (who was TEN EXCRUCIATING DAYS overdue). I figured he was sluggish; being my third, I had no instructions/expectations other than "early epidural."
I laboured with him for about one hour (I watched an episode of House with a delicious dose of morphine) and delivered him in 13 non-medicated minutes. Hubby missed it. He was in the lobby getting me a chocolate bar.
Be prepared, Heather: she may come quick.
325. rachael said:
I just have to say thanks to the person who posted a comment about google images and a lemon party. The image of a mucous plug has not left my brain but then I HAD to go and find out what that was...
I was 39 weeks when I had a c-section but somehow I managed to not be graced by the appearance of an icky icky snot like thing. Thank God.
Good luck!!!!
326. Siera said:
I feel dreprived. I've had a baby and have no clue when i lost mine. Guess I'll be hitting google next.
327. brandi said:
Good luck, Heather! My doc said it means NOTHING that your plug fell out. I think mine was gone weeks before I gave birth.
Are you going to tweet the birth? Or will it be the sperm provider?
328. Naomi Tanaka-Jesson said:
First time reader and now a first time commentor! Wow, so many comments but I didn't read more than the odd one...
YOUR FREAKIN' BRILLIANTLY CLEVERLY HILARIOUS! <---if that makes sense
Loved your writing, felt like I was there, glad I wasn't as I have had enough of my own MP's!
329. Amanda Brumfield said:
Hurry. Up.
330. Hope said:
IT'S GONNA COME SOON!
331. Anonymous said:
DomGoddess 262 - FYI, dooce has had a baby before (her name is Leta). While your post would not have enlightened dooce, it drove people to your blog, which has about 500 pictures of you, you and your kids, you and your husband, you in France, you, you, you.
I suggest that DomGoddess gets a job, and leaves humor and mommy blogging to queen dooce.
332. c said:
great post. lovin' your blog.
333. Larkspur said:
Mucous plugs! Placentas! I just love how we get born. Nature is so pragmatic. Now, growing a baby human and pushing it out through your vagina isn't necessarily the way I'd have planned it. I'd probably have considered some kind of spring-release format, so that when it was time, you could press your belly button and pop the baby out like toast.
But that's not the deal, and so nature works with what the deal is. Got to keep the wee one in till it's time. Cervix needs to begin to soften, so the Sta-Fresh MucoPlug has reached its sell-by date. Plop! But until then, why wouldn't there be a plug, and what better material to make it out of than mucous? Humans are remarkably adept at making mucous. Nature doesn't care one good goddamn about icky. I love this.
Ooh, NotMaria, you are gonna have so much fun. I'm sure Chuck and Coco will love you too, and that either Chuck or Coco (or both, or each) will block you from going down the stairs precipitously, just like Chuck did for Leta.
PS: Heather, your June header photo reminds me so much of Agent Scully. Undercover, of course, what with the cigarette and dishevelment.
334. Leslie said:
I never knew about the mucus plug falling out. Unfortunately this tickled my morbid curiosity and I just had to look it up. I don't know what else to say but: interesting.
Wish you well =)
335. Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said:
One step closer to baby! How are you feeling, other than disturbed by the huge boogersnot that just evicted itself out of your girly parts? ;)
336. Saskia said:
LOL, this is the first time you've actually accomplished to spoil my apetite =) Good luck with labor!
337. mags said:
Ooooh, I love a place I can talk about gross baby stuff, since I have been banned from too many dinner tables ;)
Now of course I am bummed that I never saw one MP of my own, despite three all natural, in living color, conscious births, so I can't share anything on this particular topic...
Good luck on the start of your newest adventure!
338. Kellie said:
wow, i've never heard of the mucous plug leaving the premises and the baby not being born straight after. good luck when she does eventually come!!
339. Nee said:
Actually, John is on to something. Back in college, when I wanted to go on the pill, I had to take a whole class on birth control (university clinic), and we were told that when searching for the cervix on which to place the diaphragm, it should feel like the tip of your nose. Hubby and I have joked about the cervixes on our faces ever since. Good times...
340. Bunny Myers said:
That is the most disturbing shit I have ever read, and I've had two kids out of my vagina. Glad I never experienced that particular phenomenon. Pretty sure I will never eat a bean and cheese burrito again. What I was eating when my eyes feasted on your words.
I adore you and wish you the best with this birth. Don't forget to get that blood test you need-- before you can get the epidural-- the second you walk in to the hospital...that procedure adds 20-30 minutes to the wait for pain relief.
My best wishes to you and your beautiful family. You are great parents and Leta will make a wonderful big sister. Good luck on your new adventure!
I had a dream her name was Harlow.
341. mentalie said:
dooce! i've been following your blog for the last 5 years and i want you to know that you totally inspire me. you're definitely the only person i know of who can make constipation, depression, getting sacked, getting pregnant...and well, mucus plugs fascinating reading.
idiotic as it sounds, i've never managed to figure out how to leave a comment before. the poltergeist in my laptop never let me get to the comment form, but i believe he's off vacationing now.
good luck with your baby! (you almost make me want to have one...and i'm petrified of childbirth!) and my regards to chuck, i'm a huge fan of his too :)
342. lilly said:
Glad to see you are toughening Jon up with some name calling. Keep it up. I still turn bright red thinking about all the vile things that came out of my mouth during labor. It was worth it, very freeing when you have pain on your side, but I wish that some things I didn't remember. I am looking into my crystal ball, and going to suggest that baby Armstrong will be born on the June 13 AEST. Go Team!!!!
343. The Bold Soul said:
Ah, I KNEW it was a little too quiet. I fully expected to hear the screams of agony... and I live in Paris. FRANCE.
I am currently on the monthly "Am I pregnant?" watch, for the 6th month of trying for a late-in-life baby with my wonderful French husband. If we are blessed to have a baby, rest assured that at some point I will be screaming right back at you, and you will hear me in Utah. Although I may have to scream with a French accent to get these bitch French nurses to pay attention to me -- and that's even having the baby at the British Hospital here! (I'm American, by the way, but the stupid American Hospital in Paris does not accept the French social health care coverage... gee, big surprise there.)
Here's hoping for a speedy and otherwise uneventful labor. Maybe Not-Maria will pop out as effortlessly as that mucus plug -- but she'll be much cuter, of course. BTW my captcha codes are "succeed vin" - and vin is French for wine, so I'm taking this as a sign that you should drink a little French vin and then you'll succeed at going into labor.
344. Tara said:
Aw, man. I've been waiting since your last update for good news. This is pre-good news!
Anyway...you, Jon, Leta and little "Not Maria" are in my thoughts.
Can't wait for the real good news to arrive! Best wishes for an easy and painless (I know, it's an oxymoron) birth for you, Heather! :)
345. Jen said:
I know, it's the most ugly thing to just pop out one day while your peeing. But it means the end is in near. And soon you will have a beautiful little baby girl to hold.
346. Erin said:
mucus plug definitely equals delivery within the next week...or somewhere around there....it could be any minute!
BTW I had absolutely no pain with my first child until about 2 hours after arrival at the hospital. I was already 6cm! Go girl Go!! I love your pics and site!
347. Karen said:
I've had three kids and have yet to lose a mucous plug. I feel cheated somehow.
It is sad that men can never boast of pushing (or growing) a complete human being out of (or in) their bodies. I have a double trump on my husband, because our first two kids were 10 pounders, and then the third was 12 pounds, 5 ounces. They were all 2 feet long.
So I can always pull that one out of my sleeve: "Yeah, well, I pushed a TWELVE POUND HUMAN BEING out of my vagina. TOP THAT."
And you know what? He never can.
348. Patti said:
What a great post - I laughed out loud at work!
Well I lost my mp 2 months before I gave birth - scared the crap out of me - I think it's safe to bet you will have Not Maria before 2 more months go by :)
Best of Luck!
349. Kelly said:
Probably in your 10 best blogs ever. Thanks for the laughs.
350. Becky said:
OMG! I am crying from laughing so hard! There is nothing better than all the stuff that comes wtih pregnancy and motherhood.... and man, I love Jon so much!
Well.... I have been out of town and haven't checked your site for four days and am selfishly glad I didn't miss the birth of Not Maria. I wanted to be the first of my friends to read all about it! :)
351. LifesBeenGood said:
I agree with the previous commenter who said that they should use photos of mucous plugs as a deterent for premarital sex. That and photos of episiotomies... or worse, the ripping that may happen if your doctor doesn't give you an episiotomy.
Would have been enough for me!
352. When Pigs Fly said:
I am truly disturbed, so much so that I am actually posting a comment to let you know. As one of the childless ones who frequent your site, I'm not sure I really needed to know about that. Interesting but I'm just glad I had finished my breakfast first.
353. Candice said:
Ah, just one more reason to remain a lonely, old spinster.
354. Ungirdled Passion said:
Good luck! I had to have my twins via c-section 16 years ago, so was not treated to a mucous plug, but having twin teenage boys is WAY GROSSER I have to believe. All the best!!
355. Angela said:
When the mucus plug fell out with my fourth child, I was in a panic and thought this is it! I got all of my things ready for the hospital, as I anticipated I would be in labor in the next day or two. Nothing happened. I didn't give birth to him until three wakes later, so don't hold your breath!
356. Katie said:
OMG...that is hysterical! I have two girls & I did NOT lose my mucus plug with either of them. I can imagine if I had how my squeamish husband would have reacted. Needless to say, my second daughter would probably not be here now!
357. Barb said:
I might not stop laughing all day!!!!!!! Good luck with the birth of not-Maria. :)
358. JMS said:
Wow...I can confidently say I am glad I adopted.
359. Candy Stick Lane said:
Well my plugs dropped forever before i went into labor - i got all excited EVERY time and then nothing - and we tried everything to induce labor - but nothing! my lazy kids just didnt want to come out til they were ready - some things dont change! HA!!!
360. Jill said:
You are the bravest and most hilarious blogger in the world. Who else can take a mucous plug and turn into a visual story that I will have a very hard time forgetting for the rest of the day. You rock and good luck with everything!
361. Dancinfairy said:
Oh, I made the mistake of looking at the google images. I am 35 weeks and not looking forward to seeing my own mucous plug, but at least I will now know what it is (and that labour is still a long way off apparently!)
362. Anonymous said:
Dear God,
Thank you for allowing me to be born a man.
363. Teresa said:
I'm completely on board with you about the siblings! My husband's family couldn't care less (long story) but my sister is DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!!!! Both of my parents have passed recently so she is our go to person to watch our other two children when this baby decides to pop out. I'm due June 16th BTW. She calls me a million times each day and if I don't answer the phone leaves messages wanting to know where I am and if I'm having the baby and not telling her.
No matter how many times I've stressed that we will let her know when the time comes, it seems to not be registering in her brain. I don't have a choice but to call her, I don't want my 5 year old and 2 year old in the room while I'm giving birth, I'm going to call her day or night whether she's sleeping or at work and tell her to get her butt over to my house and get my kids. Why won't she believe me and leave me alone?!
364. ProudMary said:
I'm amazed that you've inspired people to google images of mucus plugs...do you see the power you have? to make people seek a big gross out? amazing. I, for one, having already marveled at my own, don't need to see the mucosal products of someone else's cervix, and my pre-breakfast stomach thanks you for not posting a picture of yours...that must have been hard to resist.
365. Heather said:
I lost my mucous plus a few days before I hit 37 weeks. No baby until 4 days before my due date. :(
366. A in A-ville said:
I lost my mucous plug for my first child in November 2000 in a Barnes & Noble bathroom. Ran out to the child care/self-help books section tell my husband. It was such an exciting moment, and I have always had affection for that B&N ever since. It held my dirty little secret. Unfortunately, the store moved to a new location last month. I've lost my historical marker. Very sad. Oh, and by the way, the baby did come less than 2 days later....
367. robinv said:
I am squeezing my eyes shut.....real tight and plugging my ears. LA LA LA LA LA Can't HEAR YOU!!! (I'm in Idaho --- I can hear you :)
GOOOOOOD LUCK!!! Looking forward to seeing NotMaria soon!!
368. Just Jiff said:
hehe. I didn't know what a mucuous plug was when mine came out, so I was just scared and then I ended going into labor that day. So wow... you knew what it was and you're not in labor yet. Don't you love how everyone is different and you never know WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? lol.
369. Karen said:
I might have just thrown up a little in my mouth... (In between laughing hysterically, of course.)
370. RuthWells said:
With my first pregnancy, I lost my mucuous plug at 29 weeks, but kept the baby in the cooker until 36 weeks.... not that I'm suggesting that it's going to take you another 7 weeks to manage to get the baby out, mind you.
371. Megan said:
I almost did the google image search before I remembered I am at work. Even though it's a med tech company, I don't think IT would buy that my reasons were professional. So this treat will have to wait until tonight. Goody. ;-)
Are you sure it's a plug though? Did you try spanking it to see if it cried? :-) Wishing you lots of luck and even more good drugs in the near future for the upcoming ordeal!
372. Alison said:
Eh. I'm afraid the loss of mucous plug means nothing. You may even be growing another one. Plug that is. Happy waiting.
373. Anonymous said:
Just want to say thinks for pulling me out of depression for the 434th day in a row! I heart you!
374. Andi said:
14 years ago I lost a mucus plug, went to the bathroom while we had company over & made the discovery. Came out and everyone was "What's the matter? You look weirder then normal." I said "I think I just lost my mucous plug." All the women were "Yay!" All the men turned green and never looked at me the same after that. (We were the first of our group to reproduce.) Anyway, 8 days later I was induced, mucus plugs mean NOTHING and are simply another good way to gross out the male species.
375. suzanne said:
Back a hundred years ago when I was pregnant with my first of 5 sons, at 39 weeks I had a visit with one of the OBs I hadn't seen before. He started the session with "what ever else you do, don't save the mucus plug and bring it in to show us".
I nearly fainted. Not only had I never heard of an MP, I was unprepared for the potential that anyone would save anything that came out of a vagina, except for a baby.
Just got me to obsessing about WHAT ELSE was coming out that no one had bothered to mention, and was a large factor in declining the mirror during crowning.
376. Karen Olson said:
This is exactly why I did not mind not going through pregnancy. I just went to China to meet my daughter. I don't feel at all like I lost out on seeing a mucus plug and hope that I never EVER see one in my life. Just sayin'.
377. DenverLes said:
So I was due Monday and since then (and really, for a week before that) I have had to send a pre-emptive strike, "still here" email first thing each morning so that I won't be BOMBARDED by calls, texts, emails from everyone in my family and many of my friends (who really should know better, considering most of them have had kids and have been on "baby watch" before) just "checking in!" Again, do they think that I won't announce it to the masses when I'm on my way to the hospital?? If only to not have to respond to the 100 texts I receive if I don't respond right away to someone's voicemail message asking after my progress. There has been NO progress...not that I'm bitter...
378. Lisa Beth said:
I once googled "mucous plug" also, to see if that was what was going on in the toilet a few days before my first baby. What a horror show! I mean, I expected to see some scientific description, or maybe an illustration or two, but found thousands of pictures of boogery plugs taken on mobile phones on tiled bathroom floors. Who does that? Not me, and apparantly not you either. Thanks for that. Love the story, don't need a visual for this one!!
379. Amanda said:
You totally crack me up. My husband and I just started "trying" for our first, and I have to say that this post scared me a little, but didn't talk me out of it completely! I can't wait to hear and see Not Maria! Hugs to Coco and Chuck and Leta :)
380. Ms. Pants said:
While my birthday is June 27 and it's proven to be an excellent birthday for me, I don't want to curse you with the hopes of a 6/27 baby cos it means a lot more waiting. (Though I was technically DUE on May 25 and just held out forever. Grew a third ear and everything. Seriously.)
As for the mucous plug thing-- *shiver* I've always said I can't be part of anything involving the term "mucous plug" and after clicking that damn link John twittered (why?! why did i click that link?!), I know I'm right. I'm glad you're having the cute babies cos I know I just cannae hack it.
381. Will said:
I just did a full body shudder.
382. Molly said:
Gotta say people, calm down with the fear-of-the-human-body (or should I say, female body?) outcries! I love that in this country we deal all the time with graphic every-sperm-is-sacred activists, and yet at the same time when a woman actually jokes about the reality of trying to push out a brand new person in the world everyone says, "EWWWW! KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF!"
Talking about shit constantly would be one thing, but pregnancy and all the biology and crazy stuff that happens? Kinda by definition, a little more extraordinary. And best treated by a hilarious storyteller, aka you dooce. Can all the nauseated people at least promise me you'll see go see the Vagina Monologues next 2/14?
One last thing--I kind of love the tender moment of Leta and you at Wikipedia. You said you were struggling with how to explain to her where Not-Maria is coming from, and I like your roll-with-the-punches style. Rather than just telling her "REPRESS! REPRESS!" after seeing the snot ball.
383. Sadie said:
I learned about the mucous plug from reading Amalah's archives. Then I went ahead and googled it...just so I would know what it was. Um. Gross.
384. Marianne said:
I called my husband at work when I lost my mucous plug with our first. I had no idea that he would announce to the entire floor of his law firm, that "hey everyone, my wife just lost her mucous plug!". He didn't make partner there. Surprise Surprise.
385. Diaper Bags said:
Take it easy on the Sperm Provider. He will be allot of help after the birth. Things will get interesting and busy with two children in the house.
386. Beth said:
Sorry, gonna get a little preach here, but I applaud you for leaving the plug in plain sight and explaining it honestly to Leta. I think reality is hidden from children and adults way too much. Maybe if we weren't so sheltered from it we wouldn't grow up disgusted by ourselves and our humanity.
387. kelly said:
i lost my mucus plug a good week or so before going in to labor...so don't get too excited.
on the water breaking thing...I was laying on the delivery bed & my doctor said, "I'm going to break your water now." He did & it felt all weird & wet of course. then i heard water POURING out & was all like "MAN, that is ALOT of water!" I was watching my belly thinking it would be falling because of ALL THAT WATER coming out of me. Then, my husband, reading my mind, said, "he's done, Kelly. He's washing his hands. The water you hear is the SINK."
oh.
388. Jess F. said:
I love that other people took pictures of their mucus plugs and uploaded them to websites so that google would devote a search around them. Amazing.
389. Anonymous said:
With my first I lost my mucous plug and did not give birth until exactly one week later. Sorry...
390. Yolanda said:
Heather -
Good morning. Thank you so much for keeping it real and letting me know that pregnancy is not all rainbows and ponies. Now granted this may have solidified that I will never give birth but if I do give bith I can't say I was not warned. :)
391. Claire said:
You are so funny! thanks for the laugh. I hope the birth is easy and quick. Thinking good thoughts for you!
Claire
392. Jennifer in CT said:
Maybe it is my sick sense of humor, but this is one of the funniest things I have read in months. Hope the labor comes soon for you!
393. Sandy said:
What a gas to read your blog! My children are all grown up with children of thier own. You took me down memory lane in a very vivid way and how fun to reflect on those moments and appreciate them NOW.
Never get too big to forget where you've been. Your family dynamics are entertaining and sooo funny. Your pictures are awesome. Humor and warmth and fun. Hold on to it and never let 'fame and fortune' break you apart. Your gift is not as much in your writing, as in your 'family' that you write about. Continue to grow....and thank you for letting folks be a part of your growth. :)
394. HoustonGurly said:
You rock, Dooce! Good luck with the baby. :)
395. tracy said:
Honestly, nothing to say but hahahahahahaahah! but couldnt resist saying that :)
396. Shebie said:
Too funny! I never had the pleasure on either of my pregnancies to witness the glory of the mucous plug, but my friend was wallowing in our very rich neighbor's very expensive pool in her 39th week when it came out in her swimsuit..... and into the pool. Did you know that they float????
397. Amber B said:
I wish you a fast and painfree delivery...who am I kidding. I am expecting number FOUR in 3.5 weeks, am at 3cms, which of course, like your plug falling out, means nothing...the hubby was excited, told A neighbour and when I got home from work, 4 neighbours and my oldest kid asked if I was in labour...sure...as I prune my garden here, at home, I am in labour....geezz...good luck Heather!
398. Tamra said:
Those last few weeks are pure torture. My second one came a whopping two weeks later than my first, and I was ready to send her an eviction notice.
Hang in there. I have full faith that you will *not* be pregnant forever.
399. Kathleen said:
I know this likely wasn't funny at the time by O.M.G. I am so rolling on the floor right now. I'm one of those lucky few who did NOT know what the heck you were talking about. But now I do :-)
400. Caroline said:
Oh my god. I just google-imaged 'mucus plug.' Did you see the HORSE ONE???
Yesterday I hurt my wrist. My husband watched me writhe impassively. 'You know,' he said, 'when Willy at work broke his wrist, they just told him to pretend it wasn't broken. So he did everything like that! He went kayaking, he paddled...'
I glared at him for what seemed like forever till I could think of a response. At last, sputtering in righteous wrath and indignation...
'Oh yeah? Well, you tell Willy that I GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY. Out of my VAGINA. Let's see him try to top THAT.' Glare glare glare. 'Let's see YOU try to top that.'
Shut him right up, I did.
Heather, I hope Armstrong Baby Delivery #2 is painless, takes 3.5 minutes, requires no incisions--not even an episiotomy--and results in a child every bit as delightful and interesting as Leta. Much aloha to all of you.
401. Mel Heth said:
When my niece's belly button fell off, my sister wrapped it up and gave it to me for my birthday. Baby-related bodily occurrences are kind of gross.
402. Anonymous said:
I just want to know who came up with the NAME mucus plug. Why couldn't it have been called... jelly dot, or something a little cuter. Same with vagina.
Ohhh how bout that! I just lost my Jelly Dot today! What fun! it came flying right out of my butterfly!
403. Stefanie said:
Ok, so this is the funniest post I've read EVER! And not just because I'm high on percoset and motrin! I had my baby girl last week (3rd girl!) and am looking forward to reading about what lies ahead for you - so while you're blogging about cracked nipples just know that I feel your pain! Good luck and best wishes!
Stefanie Diamond, new mom to Sami Brooke 1 week old
404. Cari said:
I am getting married in Sept so after that, we hope to get preggers.. so instead of google-ing things that are totally freaky.. i'm going to Dooce them. Mucus falls out of my body.. Dooce. Can't pee... Dooce.
I love it. And Every soda I drink is coke :).
405. maddy said:
is it wrong that i immediately googled "mucus plug pics"?
cause i did....
406. Stephanie said:
Oh to be so funny at 38 weeks pregnant. :)
Sadly I am not this funny -- pregnant or not. Thanks for making me laugh -- out loud at the office.
407. Liz said:
You should go to LA and have the "the salad" at http://www.caiotipizzacafe.com/, Caioti Pizza Cafe in Studio City. The salad is famous because after eating it, within 24 hrs pop come your baby. I was late and went to eat it, had my kid the next night. :P They have books and books of testimonies there.
408. GirlsGoneChild said:
She's holding out for a June 17th appearance so we can have a duel-birthday party donchaknow. Oh and re: the "plug"...? I lost mine a good ten days before Fable arrived on the scene. Hang in there, mamacita.
409. Katie said:
I just gave birth to my first baby last week. Before that, I allowed my husband to live in blissful ignorance of the workings of the female body. I never made him buy me tampons. I never talked about the strange things that were happening to my body. I just let him continue believing that a stork had put a baby in my belly. But now? After childbirth, suddenly that ignorant bliss is gone and so is my filter. I make no distinction between talking about the NHL championship and my leaking boobs. He hears it all.
Poor man. I may push him over the edge soon.
410. Christine said:
Mine fell out and 12 hours later I was on the path to motherhood. Unfortunately my Lamaze instructor left that little gem of a detail out of our lectures. You could have peeled me off the ceiling when I saw it.
411. tokenblogger said:
I had to google for images, too --- to see some really grody ones.
Leta will be okay --- she will see worse looking blobs of icky slime at ball diamonds, farm stores, and some public streets.
412. Zoe Right said:
Dooce- I seriously have to stop reading you in public-it's tough to explain why I'm laughing so hard that my mocha is spurting out of my nose. Even better is turning to the distinguished gentleman next to me at Starbucks and only being able to get out "mucus plug" before tearing up.
413. jill said:
I am about to be that person that everyone hates who says, "My plug fell out... then 2 weeks later, I had to be induced." Twice. (not induced twice, but it happened with the second 2 of my 3 children) Sorry I had to be that person ;)
414. Kate said:
I hear cleaning the fridge is a sure fire way to get labor going. No shit. That, and sex. Neither of which I tried ... I couldn't pay my husband to have sex with me in the last couple of weeks. TMI ... sorry. Hope labor is quick.
415. Meg said:
Holy shit. Wow. Thanks for the heads up. I mean, I'm sure this information is in "What to Expect When You're Expecting" or some other prenatal tome, but DAMN...that's gross. Yet another nasty, gross thing I have to look forward to. Womanhood can suck donkey balls a lot of the time.
Good luck with Armstrong Baby Watch 2009. I've got money on June 12th.
416. Jen said:
Here is a surefire way to induce labor. I swear it works. Jon needs to go out and buy one original box of Kraft macaroni and cheese and one bottle of original A1 steak sauce (he has to be the purchaser). Then he has to prepare the entire box of macaroni and cheese for you. You then put as much or as little A1 steak sauce in the macaroni as you like and eat however much you like (the more the better) and you will go into labor within 24 hours.
417. girlplease said:
Since I fund the entire factory there at P&G when they're making Kleenex, my plug came out in chunks due to me blowing my nose. The Kleenex and the TP looked the same that day. True story.
Now, don't you feel like eating a gummy bear right about now?
Mmm mmm good.
This is what my husband puts up with.
418. Alyxherself said:
@109Anon...honey. you did not read my entire post, obvs...or you would have noticed where I wrote "goodbye and good riddance" to the donors. Hello? who gives a f*ck what they think. ahahahahahha. seriously. who cares.
Anyway, I think a man like Jon would have laughed if I told him. Also,I didn't think it was molestation, I though it was good manners and consideration.
Lord knows I've given permission to men who didn't have enough sense to know that was required.
419. BOSSY said:
Best of luck, kid.
420. KimBrownDesigns said:
I've heard if you eat eggplant parmigiana, you would go into labor within 24-48 hours! Good luck on Not Maria's birth! Hope it is smooth!
421. Denise said:
I want to google mucous plug...I really, really do. But I'm TOO AFRAID! Grooooooooooooooooooooss! Weird, considering I've also had a baby. I was induced, so never had to see a mucous plug (thank god!).
Just remember....the baby WILL be born eventually. Hope your labor is short and not too painful..
422. Laurel said:
I'm not sure whether to be disappointed or relieved that you didn't post your own picture...
423. Anonymous said:
This is from a post way back but I love the name Aurora and hope you take Leta's suggestion for the baby name, minus the Princess.
My best to you and the sperm donor!
424. Chessy said:
In the TMI department, I lost my plug shortly after masturbating. Awesome. There's a creepy feeling.
425. piip said:
******************************
I have a great idea if you want to spend some engergy. Have an open question session and answer some fan questions as an entry. fun huh? Happy delivery!
******************************
426. pysmatic said:
yeah. I lost my mucous in a few small pieces and one larger piece. I wasn't fishing that shit out from the toilet.
Honestly...I'm a bigger fan of losing my mucous plug than having my water break. That felt weird as hell.
and now I'm pregnant again.
and still nursing an 18 month old.
while still trying to sell our house, find new jobs, and move to a new city.
right now, I am just battling morning sickness. and trying not to have a panic attack over my boy's doctor appointment tomorrow. He might have a peanut allergy. great.
427. Diaries of a Domestic Goddess said:
I lost mine about 4 days before my son was SUPPOSED to be born. But he didn't come on his due date...ten days went by and no kid...I then had to be induced. I don't wish that on anyone. So hopefully your baby comes soon!
Congratulations!
428. Yellaphant said:
And just in case you were wondering, I WAS one of those kittens who had never heard of a mucus plug before. So thanks for that. Just, thanks.
429. Ania said:
OMG, comment #239 had me laughing so hard that all the guys sitting near me in the office had to come see what was so funny. Consequently, I've never seen men turn their tails and run away faster than a mucous plug comment - it was hilarious!
430. Wendy said:
Did you know that when you lose these they reform anyway? I lost about three of these with my daughter, starting over a week before the actual labor. It. Means. Nothing.
Unfortunately.
Hope you're in labor as I write this... (for your sake).
431. lori said:
I went into labor exactly 2 weeks after my mucous plug came out. I hope you don't have to wait that long.
432. Terri said:
Hope it's quick and as painless as possible under the circumstances.
433. Nancy said:
Congrats, & good luck :)
434. Katya said:
ya, um, I'm kinda late on this comment bandwagon, but when Jon twittered about this I had to go be a stupid internet robot and click on the stupid link. scarred for life, thanks for asking.
http://twitter.com/viennaexpat/status/2045654755
I hope the baby comes out soon! No eviction notice for this one?
435. Kate said:
Well, at least you didn't take a picture of it perched atop Chuck's head. (At least, you haven't posted it yet anyways)
436. Chris AKA cag1223 said:
We have had several women pregnant in my office over the last 9-12 months. (currently, one is due anytime like you and the other is approaching her second trimester) Anyway, pregnancy discussion has been going on a lot. I refer to the mucus plus as "The MP". I lost my MP 5 days before I went into labor. However, I would be more cautious of urinary incontinence. It can be mistaken for your water breaking. Since I went into labor at 36 weeks, I thought for sure that I peed myself in the middle of night. Nope. My water broke. Well, duh!
My thoughts are with your Heather. Hang in there! Having two children is the best. I had PPD with my first. With my second, it was and has been so much easier to just roll with it and go with the flow. Enjoy it. Really.
437. Nikki said:
My plug came out around 5 something in the morning. I flushed it, went and told my hubby that he wasn't going to work that day. I then proceeded to to spend 5 minutes staring at the bed debating on whether or not I should put a Hefty bag under me. My water hadn't broken yet and I wasn't having contractions so I figured I might as well get some more sleep while I had the chance. 12 hours later I had my son.
My friend on the other hand lost her plug around 5 months so obviously everyone is different.
Good Luck!
438. Leslie said:
Dad Gone Mad is a genius!
DOOCE: Unplugged?!?!?!
That HAS to be July's header! Because you'll be unplugged from baby too, so it's perfect!!! And awesome. Love you. Hope you give birth soon. Can't wait to hear about it. Blog from your delivery room please. My newest niece is a week old and her name is Carolina. Super cute, eh? P.S. Never giving birth.
439. Amy from Overland Park said:
I wanted to tell you this last week - but now you really need to hear it.
Do a lot of squatting and throw in some jumping jacks. Get down on your hands and knees.
Work that baby into position and she'll come right out.
440. JC said:
Funniest story EVER! Seriously, is there anything more disgusting than a mucus plug? Here's to a quick labor!!!
441. Juanita said:
Hola Heather- Because I am too lazy to email you and because you didnt open comments on today's post ;)
Another good way they say to induce labor (and clean at the same time) is to scrub floors. Never tried it but I cant believe how many people told me to try that. Or maybe they were telling me that because my floors were dirty. LOL.
I dont think other cleaning methods work (ie doing laundry, cleaning the fridge, the bathroom, vacuuming etc etc)- it HAS to be scrubbing the floors on your hands and knees.
Have fun :)
442. Anonymous said:
If it helps... 2 months after I popped my plug out I was still trying the "Maybe in I wiggle my butt... bend over this chair, and eat a lemon and a fistfull of spinach it will COME OUT NOW" dance.
443. MARIA said:
I just want to say that I've been reading your work for over a year now and I am so excited that you might be giving birth soon! My birthday is this Friday the 12th AND my name is Maria, so I've been amused that you've been calling your baby "not-Maria." I also just found out that my sister is 5-weeks pregnant, I'm directing her to your site so she can get a glimpse of what to expect.
Good luck!
444. Anonymous said:
Thank you for not posting pictures! :) Those "have you had the baby yet" or "any contractions" etc. questions are so torturous. Hang in there! :)
445. Ashley said:
I am SO right there with you...except I lost my plug FOUR weeks ago and am now EIGHT days overdue. I think the first thing I might do once this child is out of me is kill her.
446. Subourbongirl said:
My first was a week early. My second was induced a week late. My third was born the day I started spotted and told my doctor that I was having this baby. Today. Start the epidural. (And he did - it was my 3rd, he knew). Never once did I see a mucus plug, or anything even remotely resembling something I could display on the bathroom counter. I feel cheated.
447. Tracy said:
Never experienced the loss of a mucous plug. Two babies...one breech...one transverse. Destined for planned C-sections. Missed the whole mucous plug, water breaking and labor. Having two kids that were turned the wrong direction was trauma enough and hell on my pelvis and the recovery sucked. I looked like I had been ran over by a car after each...the bruising was insane. They both (now an 18 year old daughter and 20 year old son) turned out to be easy, wonderful kids and adults... so I will quit complaining! Best wishes to you! Can't wait to meet your new baby girl!
448. mags said:
Heather,
Also, I would like to share with you that I also have suffered my whole life with chronic depression and panic disorder (been on meds since I was 23.) After the rather traumatic birth of my firstborn, I had PPD so badly that I was asking to be hospitalized 5 days postpartum. Swore that he was going to be an only child. But he ended up being the closest thing to a perfect baby one can get in this flawed world and decided to do it again but in a new way. Got new meds, found an angel of a midwife(CNM) and went on to have two more darlin boys, no PPD, and nursed them for a yr each (back on a med after 6 mths). They are teens now and gorgeous and sweet and smart and hilarious- as your Leta is and new daughter will be too.
Keep the faith!
449. kim said:
I almost hate to tell you that I went eleven weeks a full four centemeters dialated with my last pregnancy (twins no less) before the finally took pity on me and broke my water so I could have the damn kids already.....you can lose your mucous plug and still go weeks...and weeks.....and weeks....before anything happens. it sucks...but hey...at least you can still have at those donuts for all they're worth.
450. C said:
I of course, had to go and google images for mucus plugs... I feel physically sick now. I never had my mucus plug come away and my waters were broken by the Midwife. But after seeing those images, I don't feel that I missed anything *lol*
451. Kit said:
OK, So - I sit down in front of my laptop with my steaming hot bowl of Chunky Potato and Bacon Soup because I'm thinking hey, what is Dooce like, 27 months pregnant by now?...(haven't visited in a while) and the first thing I see is your June Masthead. AWESOME. Immediate smile to my face and a laugh that's stuck in my throat because it's blocked by gobs of gelatinous yet chunky blobs of bacon-y potatoes.
It's allllll good until I read how you threw your plug and then I had a bit of a gag but, as you said, "It is what it is." and having also given birth I couldn't have said it better myself.
I read on.
Like a damn fool I read on.
And although I don't recall if it was the very next sentence or even one that was a few paragraphs in but at one point - some point - my eyes alight on the words "...so I bent down and picked it up with a tissue..." or something to that effect and....well...with the chunks that were already in my throat and the warmth and the smell of that steaming thick soup I was holding right up under my chin...
= X
I blame myself -
and that's all I'll say.
I blame myself.
I don't know what the hell I was thinking sitting down in front of the damn internet with a bowl of food.
Lesson learned.
Email me when that kids out of college and I'll return.
Godspeed and Good luck,
Kit.
P.S.
My two word input to prevent "spam comments"?
Carnage and grandmother.
452. JaneH said:
in all the years I've been reading your blog, never have one of your posts had such an effect on me. I've pretty much laughed, squirmed and shuddered. And I might still shreak a little aswell.
And that is why I love to read your blog.
You've made me just go and do a google image search for this too. I missed this beautiful moment when I was pregnant. Maybe next time I'll be so lucky.
All the best!