enjoy this sweet time with your two little ones. blessings to you all!

Oh I feel for you! I know the heartbreak that you feel. But please know that it gets better and that you are giving her an amazing gift by giving her a sibling!

When my sister came home from the hospital, I wouldn't let anyone hold her for too long. She was MY baby sister, not anybody elses - I'd say to relatives "OK, that's enough, you're done now."

Just remember that by giving Leta a baby sister, you're giving her someone to share the rest of her life with - friends will come and go, but sisters are for keeps.

The best gift you could ever give Leta is a sibling--you will see that over and over again as you watch them grow. My husband and I look at each other and smile when we see our boys playing imaginative games together and hear them whispering adventures at night.

I COMPLETELY, and TOTALLY understand the feeling of betrayal. I had it with my son and thought for a split second "What the hell did I DO?!" And I cried. Big, fat guilt-ridden tears. Call it hormones, call it PPD, whatever. I can tell you, it goes away. Mine are 11 and 9 now and the only thing I ever think is "Why won't they stop arguing?" Or something like that on a daily basis. Good luck and know that it is all normal (at least for those who will admit to the former).

*BAWL*

Apparently when my mother went to the hospital to have my baby sister, she called to check on my at grandma's and I told her that if she had a new baby not to come home at all. I was 4 and I made her cry. Don't worry, 35 years later we are the best of friends. Leta will be fine.

Beautiful! I've got my own tears now...

Oh, that's heart shattering! When my 2 year-old daughter met her baby sister for the first time she sobbed until she was gagging. Quite the introduction. But no more than 24 hours later she was doting on her, helping me and becoming a wonderful big sister. I suppose it's easier for a 2 year-old to just adapt and go with the flow since she'll never remember a time without her baby sister. But I am sure Leta will find her way in no time.

Heather! I felt the same surprising guilt and rediculous crying the afternoon we brought our 2nd daughter home from the hospital 4 months ago. Like why had I gone and changed EVERYTHING by bringing this new baby home?! My 4 year old was perfectly sweet and has adjusted amazingly well. Now it brings tears to my eyes to see how much my two girls truly love each other. Best wishes and congratulations!

Gorgeous...you have me crying! What an amazing gift your writing is to your daughters.

As the oldest sister to a brother and sister, I can assure you Leta will treasure Marlo for the rest of her life. I read a quote a long time ago that said "what's the good of news if you haven't a sister to share it". Perk up, everything will be great!

Well, at least you will not have this convo with your four year old.
"mom, I need a sister"

"sorry sweetie mama can't have a baby"

"I KNOW, you can just go to China again and we can pick out one:

"it's not that easy"

HUGE SIGH, then
"MAMA, you don't understand. You will get old, Dad will get old , you will DIE and I will be ALONE"

ok, how is THAT for making you feel like a total failure loser parent? luckily I have some amazing only child friends who assured me they were FINE.

I know exactly how you feel. My son was only 2 1/2 when his terror of a sister entered the world. I have been apologizing to him ever since but, thankfully, 25 years later, he is still a good sport. You will adapt, as will Leta and Jon, and life will be wonderful. Challenging, but wonderful.

- Sue

I can imagine the guilt, but she'll understand one day. Of course, I was the first born child, grandchild, and girl of the family -- but I can't remember any of the, HEY WHAT ABOUT ME!?'s Though once another female grandchild was put in the situation, about 3 years ago, things changed. Now I never hear from my grandparents! :)

I am pregnant with my second child and my daughter is 4 years old. she will be turning 5 when the baby is born and i've been reading your blog with extra curiosity, trying to get some clue as to how i will feel bringing home a baby after so many years of being a family of 3. Even now, just pregnant, i am starting to have some of those "betrayal" feelings. Especially when i'm feeling too sick or tired to give my daughter all the attention she's used to. I also worry about the age difference, and if the two will really be able to connect. So i'll be checking your blog daily, hoping for the best for your family, and hoping to learn something ahead of time about my own.

Crying right now...thank you!

The crying! MINE, not yours. Mine was 2, so his thoughts weren't as developed as Leta's and he has been a champ, not showing any jealousy for this first year, at all (at all!), but the guilt I feel...I have to repeat to myself sometimes...I adore my siblings and he will be so glad to have a sibling too! You are doing her a favor, they will have each other to commiserate with when they both decide how inept and uncool we are, and one day, sadly, they will have each other, when we aren't there for them anymore.

Aw, You had me choking up, Heather.

ugh eyes watering over here - if you've seen this video already disregard - it's "making room for the second" and it's great

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iURGJpoEcn0

So precious. And heartbreaking. I am the eldest of 4 and was 3 years old before my sister came along. I don't remember much - but I do remember not wanting her at first, and then growing to love her so much I would have done anything to protect her and take care of her. Now she is 20 and I am 23, and I have an 18 year old brother and a 15 year old sister, and I don't think I could love them any more if I tried. Leta is a lucky girl for having a chance to love someone that much. Congratulations to all 4 of you - may there be many ice cream breakfasts in your future.

Crap. I only have 20 weeks to prepare for that moment of introduction. AHHHH!

I'll say that when our 2nd son was born we both wore ourselves OUT trying to give the older one [three at the time] as much attention as was humanly possible - we soo didn't want him to be jealous of his little brother and the time he just naturally took from us. It was a hard time for all of us - but got better each day. Now they're 19 and 22 and roomates at AUburn - good friends, actually...

I remember that feeling and you describe it perfectly. What I will try to comfort you with is what I know now, two years after bringing the second daughter home: they gang up on you. After a while you will wonder why you thought it was a good idea to introduce the two.

What is different about Marlo, vs. Chuck, is that Marlo will ADORE everything that her big sister does, is and says.

Big, number one thing, which I'm sure you've read, is to let her help wherever you can. Let her get burp cloths and diapers and books. And take time, even now, for just the two of you, without Marlo.

You guys are doing just fine. Keep up the good work:)

Oh man, the tears. I have 3 weeks to go before second child arrives, and I already feel massively guilty at changing my first's life so significantly. I know that even in the near future, it will be a treat to have a baby sibling... but still, that transition is gonna make me weep. Not so much because I think she will suffer for it, but because I will be mourning the loss of that special focus and team-o-three bond that she was blessed (and sometimes cursed) to have as the solo kid.

Aww Heather, you caused a lump of my throat as your description of the transition. It makes me wonder how it was for my Mom to bring home me as a baby to a household with four boys and what they went through, let alone my Mom.

Can't wait to read more of the four of your transitions with each other. :)

I totally understand this guilt. It does get better but it is heartbreaking.

I completely feel your pain. My youngest just turned 1 and I have started to relive the first few weeks we brought her home. Our, then, 4 year old had NO idea what her life was about to be like. And I couldn't even warn her, because I, myself did not even know.

You just have to try and make special "dates" with Leta and remind her that you do love her, like you are already doing.

Be warned that the following questions may arise..."Why do you care more for her than you do for me?" "Why have you not "loved" on me like you "love" on her?"

It is heartbreaking! However, we shall persevere!!

Great blog, Heather. I am amazed at your punctuation and grammar skills, being the mom of a 10 day old! Hats off to you!

My boys have the same age gap as your girls. The oldest would always complain when the baby cried: "It's making my ears tired!"

All the best to you!

I still mourn the times I had with my first born when it was just the two of us. And now I'm sad that my second child did not have that same quality time with me.

It's beautiful, and an adjustment, and remarkable. I hope you are not feeling too sad though. I hope there are moments of joy to counter every feeling of concern. The thing I wish for most, is that you don't feel anything like you did in the first months after Leta when the sadness came. Take care of you too, along with the girls and their dad. If public sentiment was worth a dime, you'd be soaring on the wings of well wishes. Happy Family.

Congratulations on becoming a family of four! As an older sister of a 6 years younger half sister, Leta will be fine, great even! And she will always have this special friendship when they are grown. You've given her a gift! And I think chocolate ice cream for breakfast is good for everyone once in a while! Can't wait to hear about the little gloworms birth!

Longtime reader and first time poster. I have to say that is the sweetest and most heartbreaking and beautiful thing you've written on your site.

Thank you for this post.

*cry*

*wipes tears away*

Leta's going to be okay.

I have one younger sister who is just a little over a year younger than me. When we were kids, we argued a lot, but as adults, we've discovered that we are each other's most precious allies in life.

I agree with the commenter that said that you have given Leta an incredible gift: that is so true. It is also true that even positive changes take adjustment.

You're in my thoughts, Armstrongs. <3

Remember to breathe.

-Elaine from Pittsburgh

This is so beautiful! I too got teary-eyed! You are a terrific mom. Just put a positive spin on the whole new sister thing for Leta - you know, someone else to give you a present a birthdays and Christmas, someone you can get a kidney from should you ever need it. You needed her to qualify for family package at Disney, that sorta thing. Sibling rivalry can be tough. I have identical twin boys, but in the end, they are grateful to have each other. All the best to you and your beautiful family!

This post really hit home, Heather ... and I remember those emotions very well. We went to China to adopt our daughter and brought our older daughter with us; she was three at the time. After we were finally united with our youngest daughter in China, I felt an aching, horribly guilty feeling around our older daughter ... I cried, brokenhearted, while spooning with her as she sweetly slept. It does pass ... what you're experiencing is a goodbye to life as a mom of one child ... a time when it's just you and that firstborn, partners in fun and crime. But soon it will pass and you'll be so filled with the joy and challenge of two kids, you'll feel so much better, better than you've ever felt. Sending love your way!

Oh my.... I don't have kids, but that post made me all teary. I hope the chocolate ice cream helps!!

Heather, I've been whiling away the weekend reading your blog from the start (so sue me) and am just blown away by the way you describe *what it's like* to have a newborn. I don't believe anyone can understand who hasn't gone through it, but your description of life with Leta when she was tiny brought it all flooding back.

The altimeter - oh God do I remember the altimeter. Baby fast asleep and perfectly happy on your shoulder while you stand up. The thought crosses your mind that you could sit down without disturbing the baby's position one iota. Instant pandemonium.

And that 'my little person turned into a giant overnight' thing. My first was just over 2 when my second was born. He was a very little person, but once I had a newborn he turned into a great big scary thing.

And the guilt. Oh boy, the guilt. I still feel it sometimes. Someone told me to let the baby cry and attend to the older one, they need it more.

But it was all sooo much easier second time round. Not so easy I'd be prepared to contemplate a third time, but although the 2nd was a completely different person (she like cuddles - wow!) and I still vividly remember the night she'd screamed for 4 hours only to finally quieten when I held her at arms' length, menaced "Just shut the fuck up" at her, very carefully put her on the floor and burst into tears, knowing that we'd done it all before, and survived it, made it all doable.

Oh, and when my firstborn grows up he's totally going to have chocolate icecream for breakfast EVERY DAY.

I can remember when I had my daughter seven months ago. I hadn't seen my son in 48 hours. It felt like he'd grown an entire foot since I'd seen him last. I don't know what it is about being around a baby that makes other kids seem so much bigger.

Oh my God, lovely, welcome back.

I missed you. So much.

Okay so maybe this comment won't be the most sensitive - on one hand I totally get what you went through, I have three, BUT and I say this with all the good intentions of helping you out - if you let yourself feel this guilt openly to Leta and you go overboard with all the lovely dovey stuff she will pick it up and it will kick your butt. Because what will happen is once you get over it and you try to move on she will notice the difference in attention - that at first you tried SO hard to make sure you told her you loved her every five minutes, once things start to normalize and you aren't proving your undying love and affection to your oldest that will hit her harder, trust me!! Don't feel like you need to make it up to Leta for her no longer being the only child, instead you have to get her to understand that this is her life now. I know it might sound a bit harsh and I know you just got Marlo home, but I'm tellin' ya it will save you from problems months and years down the road. Don't treat Leta any differently.
On the other side the baby is gorgeous and I wish you all the best!

Awww, hugs to all and just know that it will get better. I imagine that Leta will soon be helping change diapers! And don't be surprised if she lifts her shirt up and attempts to nurse Marlo! Does she have her own baby doll to feed and diaper? My sister and I were 11 months and 3 days apart. She passed away last year and I miss her like crazy. She was the very best gift my parents ever gave to me. Leta will feel that way someday. Sisters just have that bond that noone else does. Blessings today, Armstrong family!

I never thought of how you would feel, bringing another child into Leta's world. But look down the road and believe that someday they will be so close, and such good friends, and you will realize what a lovely gift you have given her. Of course, you DO have to get them to adulthood, first. But that is part of the fun. I can't imagine how lonely my life would be without my sisters. Sometimes I want to throttle them, but basically I love them to pieces, and am so glad I wasn't an only child. Leta will be, too. I promise!

Awww that was very touching! I wish you and your family all the best! Enjoy!

She'll be fine, because she knows how to share her feelings. It is so wonderful that you have taught her that. wishing you rest and quiet bonding (among all 4 of you and the 2 canines)

Now a year after we brought our second child home I can totally relate to everything your going through. I felt so guilty for changing what had seemed to be a perfect set up for three and a half years. Now my kids are so close I couldn't imagine not having my son here with us. I'm sure in a year you'll look back and think the same thing.

Heather,

Loved the post today. Selfishly I have missed you! There really should be a medical term for that moment when you see the first born after the birth of the second and your oldest looks Ginormous! I had that same experience! One of my first strange Mommy moments. And the need to smell your child never goes away. My oldest is now 23 and when we haven't seen each other in a while, I long to smell her. Of course when I tell her this she almost gags! lol

ok. Now I'm crying to. Such a precious story. I remember those feelings too well.

Thanks for making me bawl my eyes out at work. The all male team I work with is collectively thinking "Here she goes again!"

Seriously, congratulations. Leta will be the best big sister ever.

Oh I'm so sorry that you are feeling sad, I feel sad for you, too. I don't know if it is any consolation, but it really will eventually pass. My daughter was 4 when we had her brother. She was a great helper to me, and never complained about him. . . until he was about 7 months old and could grab her hair and pull. Then she said, "I have been very patient with having him around, but now it is time for him to GO AWAY." It was my first real laugh at the two of them together.

Enjoy some chocolate ice cream for breakfast and a little extra cuddle time with Leta, and enjoy both of your wonderful little blessings!

Congratulations! Marlo is perfection personified in beauty.

While you welcomed her to the world on June 14, I welcomed my first grand-child and grand-daughter Olivia Grace on June 15.

It's just a WOW feeling...

Thank you so much for writing about this and sharing your experience. It's probably my hormones too, but I cried reading this. We're expecting our 2nd baby in Dec and I've been feeling very guilty towards and anxious about my (first born) toddler...it helps to see someone else surviving the experience and even be able to write and share about it.

It is terrifying to see how much your child grows when you are not looking!!! Moanna just turned two, and when she returns from spending a week or two with her grandparents, she doesn't even fit into her cloths anymore! One day she is going to leave for a week and come back with a training bra!

Awww crap, now I'M crying.

It's a bittersweet moment. But then you realize these two beautiful human beings came out of your body and you cry for a different reason altogether. Pure joy.

Your family is beautiful. We're lucky to have a sneak peek. Thank you.

I had a moment just like that with my older daughter (she was two at the time) when my younger daughter was born. I just sat in her bed and cried as she woke up from a nap, feeling terribly guilty for shaking her world so dramatically. Six years later and she and her sister fight over clothes and punch each other for no good reason. But on a sappy note... They also face the world as a team and depend on each other without even realizing that that's what they're doing. The other day my little one fell asleep in a restaurant with her head in her sister's lap. So sweet.

awww way to make me tear up. I feel for you - that second baby is a tangle of emotional madness!

I like to tell my kids, when they've been fighting, that I had each of them for the other. I guess this makes more sense for me than them since I'm an only child.

Oh Lord, I'm bawling at work. I'm 35 weeks pg and struggling with this very issue. My 6-year-old DS will be heartbroken, which, in turn, will break my heart. We are his world, and he has special needs, which makes us an even bigger part of his world than parents of a typically developing child his age.

I'm terrified.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I'll be looking to you for guidance (no pressure, lol!).

Meg

Whoa. You just made me relive bringing my then newborn (now three) home to my then four-year-old (now seven) that first week. Yikes, it was hard. That "I want you to love me" behavior, sadly, may never go away. I know my oldest still asks if we love her less than her sister, and it's been three years. It doesn't get better. But they grow, the answers come easier and the times asked become fewer.

I feel your pain.

Hi Heather -

The guilt will always be there. Am I favoring one over the other? The boy over the girl? Spending more money on one than the other? Should I be working or not working, if I'm working should I helicopter in more often? How come Mary H's mom is the room mom every year and you're not?

It's always something. Just love them, discipline them, take them out for ice cream now and then, read to them and have fun. It passes so fast. Mine are 14 and 11 now, and I can see college looming on the horizon. It was just the day before yesterday when the older one was born!

Wow.
Your sadness at Leta's life changes mirror the feelings I had before even giving birth to our second son. I felt like we were about to pull the rug out from under our first born. And that his place as the center of my universe would forever be shared, as though two kids were trying to squeeze onto one chair.
And I wondered what our second born would get, 2nd place? That lame red ribbon that pales in comparison to the blue one?
Turns out that sibling love is like nothing I could have ever imagined. The two of them share a bond that has nothing to do with us parents. I think the baby's first word will be his brother's name. And I think that my first born will walk on air for a week when it happens.
And that makes me cry, just anticipating the unexpected joys that our second born keeps bringing us.

I hope Marlo and Leta share that sibling love and that you get the sheer joy of watching it bloom.

Oh lordy, do I know where you're coming from. I felt an enormous amount of guilt, forcing my oldest into becoming a sister to a crying baby that took so much attention.

We came up with a code phrase - when she felt a little left out, or whatever, if she said, "I need some extra loving right now" I would ALWAYS give her a huge hug and some extra attention.

Is that bad that when I read Marlo's name, I read it as: "Mario's"?

I just gave birth to my second child three weeks ago and was surprised at the same feeling I had for my first born. I have felt so guilty that she was having to go through this change. The worst was when her teachers told me one week after her brother was born that she had a meltdown when looking at a picture of her, her dad, and me. So sad for her!

I remember feeling everything, everything. Exactly like you've written it. With the birth of my second, and then my third. The second was colicky, and we spent months crying together, me and my two year old, and this intrusive infant... I felt horrible for what I'd done to my little two year old girl.

Same with #3, so obviously, it got better.

But I told my then-two year old (now almost 11) that SHE was the reason we had more babies. SHE was so fantastic, so utterly wonderful and adored, SHE made me a mom, made her dad and I parents.

Leta will need chocolate ice cream for breakfast, and you might, too. Maybe for a while, but not forever. It's the best gift you can give her, a sibling. Congratulations a million times over.

Aw. A bigger bunch of silly, weepy, wet blankets I ain't ever seen! You are all so sweet, and I hug you from the deeps of the Internet. Congratulations on having a mad excess of wonderful daughters! :-)

When our daughter was born, we got our 4 year old son one of those Fisher Price digital cameras so he could join in with all the picture taking. He was so over-joyed at the camera he hardly noticed there was a new being in our house. Now I look back at the pictures he took catching moments that I didn't with my fancy expensive camera. He still takes pictures of her one year later and they are such great buddies.
Enjoy these moments because the second one grows up even faster than the first.
Thanks for everything you've done so far and be glad you can drink coffee!!!!

Oh, Heather. All that you described is exactly how it felt/went for us as well. It's so hard! I remember later even feeling a bit of guilt about not spending as much time with our newborn because I wanted to give our firstborn extra attention, besides the fact that I missed him so and my heart ached for him. I'll be thinking of you as your beautiful family goes through these big transitions...

You need to quit making me cry.

Also, a hint from your CAPTCHA: "sobriety out-out"

Wow, that brought tears to my eyes and a flood of memories! I remember feeling the exact same way with my older daughter, Zoe, when my second was born. How could I have done this to her? I'm neglecting her! Can she handle it? I was bawling uncontrollably and I distinctly remember my Mom (a mother of 7) saying to me... "Oh sweetie, she's fine! You can't do it all. You have given her a little sister and that's just about the most special thing you can do for her."

Suffice it to say, 2 years later, she IS totally fine. She loves having a little sister (most of the time) and I can see their relationship growing, even at such an early stage.

I make an effort to spend quality time with Zoe, just the two of us, and I think this helps. She has also become quite a daddy's girl but I think that is a really good thing as well. It has allowed my husband to grow even closer to her which I don't necessarily think would have happened if we didn't have a second child.

Best of luck to you (and the fam) and here's to many more years of joy (and heartache)!

-Janet

It has just been me and my daughter for the past 7 years now. I have a fiance now and we have discussed children, but I am not sure if I want to do it for this exact reason. My daughter and I are SO close and I would almost feel as though I betrayed her. Your tale almost made me cry. I am sure it will get better though, soon. Keep me posted. Your experience will help me make my decision.

I went thru EXACTLY the same thing. I wrote about it here if you are interested in reading it: http://paigerun.blogspot.com/2008/10/thoughs-on-going-from-3-to-4.html

All I can say is IT PASSES. It's normal and I felt the exact things you are feeling and you gave Leta a gift.. you will see. It is just an adjustment period, hang in there!

It's hard now, but it does get better. You'll all adjust and all of this will eventually seem normal. Hang in there.

Oh no! You totally have our shoulder! When my brother came into the world the first time I saw him it looked like he was on some sort of tray, I wanted the tray rather than the brother, everyone though it was hilarious, I'm still thinking it over...

My daughter was 4.5 when the human hurricane daughter arrived. #1 had led a sort of Zen existence until then, so I felt a little guilty disrupting that, but we thought more that it would teach her to deal with others in close quarters with kindness and care and generosity, something she never had to face. It did for exactly 1 year.

Man! I won't lie to you, we were not prepared for the shit when it hit the fan when the hurricane started to walk! But I can also tell you that beyond the tears and tantrums were some of the funniest times of our lives and the 2 were so different that is was an absolute marvel.

The story has a happy ending for the three of us so far...
#1 is still trying reeeeeaaaallly hard to think that one out...(she's only 13, we may have seen nothing yet!)

Huge hugs and ice creams!

What a sweet post.

I remember this exact thing, when our second daughter was born, just a few weeks shy of four years after our first one.

We deliberately spaced them so that Johannah would have the chance to be her own kid for a while, to have our undivided attention, and to enjoy the limelight for a while (I am the fifth of NINE children, so maybe it was more of an issue for me than anyone else).

When Julia was born, Johannah seemed to take it well until one day, a few weeks into it, she told us that she felt like we were trying to push her out of the family.

Oh, the guilt.

Next week, Julia will be 11, and Jo goes into high school this fall. They are the best of friends now (although very different), but your instincts about the ice cream for breakfast are right on: you got to bend some of the rules to make it work, but it's all worth it!

So glad for you and Jon. Enjoy your growing family.

Pamela

You are killing me here.

My daughter is due late July; my son is 2.5. I am TERRIFIED that he is going to feel replaced, unloved, unwanted, etc. I'm doing everything I can to lessen that as much as possible, but I'm feeling very protective of him right now.

Ack.

It's hard and scary adding another child, but things will fall into place like dominoes. Keep your chin up. :)

The best present my parents ever gave me was my baby sister. I'm 34 and she's 32 and she's my best friend in the whole entire world. I couldn't imagine life without her. Leta and Marlo are so lucky to have each other, sisters.

I don't even have children and you've made me teary eyed. Your love for your family is vibrant and truer than anything else. It's an amazing world where we can share it with you like this.

I had the same issue when my first daughter (born March 2004) met my second. Guilt, guilt, guilt and oh, wow, you are enormous! My oldest picked up on that guilt immediately and still tries to use it against me with very calculated "Mommy, do you love Maeve more than me?" But the sting wears off. Someday soon, Leta will discover that Marlo adores her ABOVE ALL OTHERS, even the boob lady. By giving her a little sister, you've given her a fan who will laugh at all of her jokes and mean it. Then eventually they'll get big enough to pummel each other and they'll annoy you so much that you won't feel guilt over either one of them. :)

I hated my little brother. I hated the idea of him. I hated him even more when he became real and invaded our house. I am almost 4 years older than him. Today......27 years later, he's one of my best friends. I hope Leta, too, will embrace the love in the house and realize that you all are a team. A beautiful team.

Thank you, Heather. What you've described is a big (secret) reason I only have one child. I am so happy you're doing well and know Leta will come around!

Beautiful post. Very touching and honest. Leta is going to be a fabulous big sister because she's had wonderful examples of how to nurture from her loving parents. Let the games begin!!

Had the same exact thought when seeing my 2-year-old after the birth of our second daughter. She was a giant! And the diapers - oh, the crap that would come out. Freakish! And yet, all so normal...

You captured that experience perfectly! It does get better, promise :)

I have 2 girls (2.5 and 4.5) and I remember well how ENORMOUS the older one (only 2 years old at the time) looked when I came home from the hospital. They are best friends now and the younger absolutely idolizes the older and now that they play together all the time it has made our lives as parents much easier! It's definitely not all bliss - they do fight and argue, but as an only child myself I am jealous of their relationship.

Keep up the great posts (although I don't know how you find the time to do it with a newborn...)

Isn't the hugeness of the older child bizarre? I remember feeling all of these things when my second baby came home from the hospital last year. My older son was GIANT, and would never be my little baby again. It was so wonderful and painful all at the same time.

Thanks for sharing this with us!

My son was six when we brought his little brother home from the hospital. I felt as if I had crushed his little world and betrayed him in the worst way. Now, 8 months later, my oldest wouldn't know what to do without his little brother. They ADORE each other and I realize it is the best thing we ever did. It's an adjustment for everyone. Give it time. It will be wonderful.

I went through the same thing with my first girl. I used to look at a picture of her the day before her sister was born and think to myself "This was the last time she was truly happy" Like you, the feelings that you describe took me completely by surprise. NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THIS. Thank you for sharing.

My older sister never got over my parents bringing me home from the hospital and into her life. She'll be 40 this year. Hopefully your oldest will take it better and understand that a "family" is not created just for the first-born.

I remember this. I remember *exactly* this when I brought my 2nd born son home to meet his big brother. It's ripping my heart for you right now. But, it does get better. For Leta and for you. I know your head knows this. It's just going to take awhile for the heart to understand.

P.S. My boys are 23 and 20 now and the very best of friends.

i'm ready to pop any minute, and this is exactly what i'm terrified of: my high maintenance 4 year old feeling like OH MY GOD I'M NO LONGER IMPORTANT LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING I'M GOING TO RUN AWAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
thanks for the reminder that my daughter is going to need some help during this arbitrary transition. i hope we are able to be as sensitive to her needs as you and jon are to leta's.

I've heard it's SO common that your firstborn feels like your baby until you bring your second child home, and then your oldest child looks huge!

I think chocolate ice cream for breakfast is an excellent idea, you'll find your rhythm as a family of four, just give it time.

That makes me want to cry a little too. I often think about having another baby, but (besides the logistics of the whole thing) the thing that makes me not so sure about it is feeling like I would be betraying my daughter.

Mom of three here, with similar age differences. The crying (yours) is so normal; or at least it was for me--but it was so excruciating while it lasted. When my youngest was born, my middle one ran to get the little dog-head-attached-to-a-blanket that he sleeps with--his best, most beloved thing--and placed it lovingly next to the baby. I cried over this little act of kindness for weeks. And eventually stopped. You will too.

What is chocolate ice cream if not another version of frozen hot chocolate...no?

I GET THIS completely. Thank you for articulating all of the tremendous guilt and love we feel at the same time.

I famously asked my mother on multiple occassions whether we could take my newborn sister back to the hospital. I was two and a half, she was a newborn. When asked who would take care of her, I would say "The nurses!" My mom gently explaiend that he nurses were pretty busy so she would have to stay with us. We're the greatest of friends now, of course, but my little sister still loves to tell that story.

Oh, hon, she'll be fine. And you'll be fine, even if it may not seem like it right now. In reality (though this might make you cry harder), Leta's probably only going to have vague, hazy recollections of a time before Marlo. Her life will be filled of memories of being a big sister.

Get some sleep if you can.

Just tell Leta that its way better to have a little sister. First of all, Leta will get all the new stuff and the baby will get all of the old, ratty, stinky, old stuff. AND Leta will get to tell her what to do for the rest of her life.

The. End.

It's so hard going from one to two kiddos! I myself was not prepared for how I was going to feel. Guilt. I felt guilty over any little thing that had to do with my first born. She definitely handled the transition better than I did! You will find a balance soon enough; it may take a few months but it will all work out. So don't stress too much and try to enjoy both of your daughters.

Just when I thought there wasn't anything more heartbreakingly beautiful than learning how much you can love your child... you had to go introduce me to an all-new level of complexity. Thanks for making me bawl on a Monday afternoon. Wonderfully written!

UGH, the guilt, the terrible, terrible guilt! I felt it too and I always warn all of my friends. Sorry I didn't warn you! But the good thing is, it goes away. And like someone said above, Marlo will be the greatest gift you ever give Leta. I have two daughters, I have a sister and sisterhood is a wonderful love. Best of luck to you and your family. It will all work out in the long run.

I have no children, am not pregnant, and my husband and I have no plans for children in the next couple of years at least. But good lord...this post had me welling up with tears!

Leta sounds like she's handling the new baby quite well actually. When my brother was born, I apparently hated him and wanted nothing to do with him.

I am so terrified of this very thing. Our family of three will become a family of four in 3 months, and this scares me on a daily basis. I have already broken down in tears on more than a handful of occasions thinking that I am doing my son a disservice by uprooting his world with a baby who will demand so very much from the very people who have doted him & him alone for four years.

Your post, like my many hours spent stressing over what impact a new baby will have on my son, has reduced me to tears.

That is EXACTLY how I felt when I brought my second child home. I kept crying thinking I'd ruined his life by bringing the new baby home.

Good lord, I don't even have kids and I am still weeping at my desk over this one. Beautifully written, thank you for sharing. I'm sure Leta will soon learn that this is a great thing - she will have an ally when she's older. I'm the younger child of a reconstituted family - my stepsister and I were both doted upon children before our parents married and it was a huge adjustment period (we also have a 5 year age difference). We hated it for a while and then teamed up against our mom and dad. It will be okay (well, maybe not for you and Jon!)

I totally understand, I felt very similarly when my second son was born, as if I had hurt my oldest just simply by adding this person to his life. And they do seem so HUGE when compared to a newborn, it is just insane. You can't be prepared for it.the

oh my god, i am so right there with you. only we're 2 months ahead of you, and the older sibling is only 2. but still!!! heartbreaking, absolutely heartbreaking. it gets easier after 6 weeks or so, but once your heart grows around the newborn, you feel guilty about both of them...either the baby is over-tired and sleep deprived, or the toddler is forced to stay home all day. woes of motherhood!

We screwed up the first couple weeks, not asking our four-year-old daughter to change her ways for the newborn--trying to show her this new baby meant no extra hassle for her. When we started asking her to help out--get the diaper bag, gather bath stuff, etc.--she became much more enthusiastic. It helped that Baby's first smile was for Big Sister. (Smart Baby.)

One coping strategy our pediatrician suggested was to ask people to be very casual when they met the baby, then fuss over Big Sister, THEN go back to fuss over Baby. So: "Oh, a new baby over there. How nice. La di da. HEY, IT'S BIG SISTER! It's great to see you!" Often, Big Sister would then proudly lead the way to Baby.

It is a testament to you as parents that Leta can articulate and share her feelings.

Bless your heart, Heather. It ain't easy bringing a new baby in, and I've given birth to four of them. The second one is always hardest; going from an only child to one of two is a weird, weird thing to emote.

But it will change Leta in very positive ways, I promise you.

I so remember the feeling. Of bringing your second home. Of the first borns reaction to it. Wondering what were we thinking to disrupt our perfect family of 3. But at some point it became clear that our perfect family of 4 was just a bit more perfect. Good luck and may the force of having already gone through the infant stages be with you.

Heather, I am crying along with you. I have a two-year-old and a 4 month old, both boys. I felt the same feelings you are having. Will you love the first one any less because you have the second one? Of course not...the love just grows. It expands gloriously until you literally feel like your heart is going to explode out of your chest.

You gave Leta a beautiful gift with Marlo. Just think if anything were to ever happen to you and Jon, they will forever have each other. It does get better and much easier. Leta will warm up to Marlo. Just last week, my two-year-old pulled the boppy into his lap and requested to hold his brother. I plopped little brother onto the boppy and big brother proceeded to pull little brother's leg up as high as he could get without me having a heart attack. The peels of laughter that erupted from both of them caused my heart to melt and pool on the floor near my feet.

Two is so much better than one. You may not see it now, but you will find little ways to show them individually that you love and adore them both.

Thank you for so eloquently writing what I have been feeling recently. We just had our second, another boy, 11 wks ago. No one seemed to understand that it felt like I betrayed our older son by having another.It still feels like that sometimes. It gets easier, I guess. Anyhow, thanks for making me realize that I'm not silly for having such feelings!

You're two for two with me, Heather.
I cried while reading this as well. Sigh.
I kind of felt that way when my parents brought home my younger brother, but it went away and now? I love him dearly and couldn't imagine myself without him.

And chocolate ice cream for breakfast? She'll love it, just like she loves you and Jon and will love Marlo, too.

I was the youngest in the family for almost 5yrs when my sister came along. We had to move, to make room for the growing household, and it was quite the change for everyone involved.

For years I wasn't what one would call a fabulous sister. Oh, I defended her when required, and had no problem throwing our babysitter's bully of a son into a ditch when he wouldn't stop throwing woodchips at us (and consequently got myself kicked out of after-school daycare). But I caused her a lot of grief, and our mother a lot of grey hair, yet through all that my sister still has an amazing level of respect for me.

Now that we're older, and she's becoming an adult (slowly, ever so slowly), I value our relationship so much. It still shocks me when she talks about the men (ok, they all still look like boys to me) in her life, but I love how we're now opening up to each other and supporting each other.

There are still the "Oh will you just piss OFF!" moments, but we still support each other without fail.

I also know our mum values the relationship my sister and I have. Well out of teenagehood, I no longer see our mother as a weirdo & total cramper of a social life - I see where my parents were coming from in all their 'nagging' and seemingly constant phone calling to see if I was still alive. My sister is stretching her wings of independence, and still has conflicts with respecting house rules and then doing her own thing.

When my sister and mum don't see eye-to-eye, Mum knows that my sister will (usually) listen to me (or at least consider my words more than she will Mum's), and I'm able to provide words of insight (much like a mediator between the two).

The benefit of being almost 5yrs older? My sister knows my ultimate nerdiness, and all of my darkest behavioural secrets, but she sees me as someone 'cool' - that baffles me to no end. I value that I am someone she respects and can look to as an example for everything she can achieve!

She's someone who I can spend a Friday night with, in our PJs, drinking wine, watching cheesy B-rated horror movies, having a belching competition, slinging insults at each other, and at random launching into various camp songs from our childhood... all to the bafflement of my roommate, who thinks we are absolutely insane.

They may drive you insane while they are growing up, but at the end of the day Leta and Marlo will share something truly special (and likely bizarre) - which is something that you and Jon gave them the opportunity to experience.

Sometimes Chocolate Ice Cream is perfectly acceptable for breakfast.

Oh this time is so rough for everyone. You feel bad, they don't fully understand.. I told my daughter she had brought SO MUCH joy and love to our lives, we wanted to bring even more in and share it with her. She was just a month past 5 when her sibling was born. She did pretty good. Those extra hugs and assuring of love is all she needs to make the transition. She'll grow to adore her sister. I let my girls pick out outfits at the store for their new brother. The get tickled to this day when he wears something they picked out.

I have brothers and sisters, and know how wonderful it is. But I've never considered what it must be like to watch that bond grow, from the point of view as parents.

All the best to you, and your family.

Firstborns need to hear that sometimes, and honestly, I'm jealous of Leta because she can always come here for proof. And congrats on the baby with the kickass name. I cannot wait to see who she turns out to be.

Seriously. I don't even have kids and I'm sitting here holding my dog, weeping.

All four of you with the chocolate ice cream? Marlo's off to a wonderful start!

Bless you all and much joy,

Wendy

I have two daughters. I am at work. My makeup is ruined and it's your fault. I've been anticipating Marlo as if I were the grandmother. Thanks for your wonderful writing. And more pictures, please! We all love them.

I feel another book coming on for you...."How I Betrayed my Daughter". I laughed, I cried, I could relate!!!

Like Leta, my son Ben, changed how I view the world. Six years later his sister was born and the world as he knew it drastically changed. His sister was our fourth child. First girl. Two days after she came home from the hospital, he took some scissors to his hair and the acting out continued in little ways for years.

It's funny, but to this day, my daughter thinks I love her brother more than her. I love them entirely differently. The guilt I feel, was I wasn't prepared to be a step mom and his mother all at once. I made a lot of mistakes. By the time his sister came along I had learned a lot about myself and was a far better parent. My son is away at college now and my daughter gets a far better parent from me. So maybe it all evens out......regardless all of our children adore each other and that is a reward in itself.

Guilt can be a many splendored emotion. Just don't compensate by compromising your values as a parent.

I am the eldest of 8 kids, currently ranging in ages 54-39. I watched my mother bring home many a new baby over 16 years. I can assure you, my mother did not have time for such emotional indulgences... so she does it now.

It's strange to read your description of what I felt after giving birth to my twins. When my firstborn came visiting, I too thought he had HUGE hands and feet and everything! It was like he grew 3 years while I had my c-section! I just thought I had gotten too used to the tiny babylimbs.

The betrayal too... I had that feeling before the twins were born. How COULD I bring 2 strangers into our family? How could he not feel forgotten and pushed out when we would be spending so much time with the babies?

It went well, turns out they weren't strangers, we skipped all formalities and I presented them with my boobs. Success. Big brother was a bit jealous, but of the "ignoring they exist" kind. Not the "I will hide them under a big pillow" kind.

I have a sister and two brothers, and having them is the best. Of course we fought as we grew up, of course my mom's attention couldn't be completely centered on just one child, but I'll always be grateful I have my siblings. You've given Leta something really great, so yeah, help her adjust but try not to feel guilty. The adventures those two will have!

When Marlo looks up at her big sister with utter worship and grins like she's never grinned at you and you realize...never will Leta ever do anything to earn the worship of her younger sibling and it'll all be worth it.

I remember feeling the same way after bringing home my second. But I remember all the fun times I had with my sister and how much I learned from having to share my parents' attention (and everything else). Which, ya know, is just a necessary thing in life. You also just gave her a new best friend.

The hormones can be really bad, but remember this too shall pass.

It WILL get better. A good thing to say to Leta is something I have said to my kids when they say I love one of them more than the other:
"I love YOU the most because you are the only Sydney/Samantha/Christopher (pick a name)I will EVER have."

It seems to work at making them feel better.

Good luck to you and yours--Thank you for letting us into your lives.

~Sharon

Awww...i just cried at my desk. I'm so scared about this very topic...as we discuss having another. My tatertot is so wonderful, i'm scared.

All the best. :)

O, dam you, Hearther...
Just when I thought I've passed that faze of feeling bad for my older daugther (she's 7 years old, little one is 5 months...), and told myself it's all silly and that I worry way toooo much....
You made me cry again, you terrible woman...

This is just a lovely, touching, laugh out loud funny post. I mean, they're all lovely, touching and laugh out loud funny but this one, specifically, is high quality. Thanks again, over and over, for letting your readers in!

We still have ice cream for dinner every once in a while and my kids are 20, 16 and 11. Enjoy these first "family of four" days together making chocolate ice cream memories. YUM!

I felt so much like that when Samuel, was born. Mikaela, who was a tiny 22 month old, seemed so HUGE when she arrived to take a peek at her brand new baby brother. And how you are feeling now.. worried that maybe you might have betrayed her for having dared to break up your happy trio? I had these feelings not so much after my son arrived, but just before he arrived.. a 'OMG WOMAN! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!' feeling. And then he came and everything was fine. And Leta will love her, and she will love Leta and everything will be fine. It's like I wrote on a scrapbook page once.. 'you Mikaela, are the reason I had more children. I never knew the love of a child before you, and it was that good.'

Oh, Heather...you made me start to cry just reading this post. I gave birth to my second (my husband's third) on June 12. I have been so surprised by the intense emotions I have had around my first born (who is 4.5 years old). I have experienced such sadness for her being bumped from her place as the baby in the family and sadness for me as I mourn the loss of our time together as just us. Although I have been atempting to find/make pockets of time to just focus on her without the baby in my arms, I feel even greater sadness and guilt when I realize that I feel like I SHOULD be doing this, rather then WANTING to be doing this.

I think I am having a harder time with the transition then she is...

Here I go again...those emotions, mixed with the lack of sleep and hormones, is sending me into weepy land again. You are not alone!

Oh my goodness, this made me cry, and I don't even have post-partum hormones zipping around my inards. It also made me grateful that I don't remember how I felt, at 6, when my little brother was brought home. I probably reacted just like Leta. Thank you for sharing such special moments.

Perfect. Just perfect. You have a beautiful family.

Susan

Wow. did that post just bring tears to my eyes..
Leta will Love Marlo.. wait til she starts to crawl. Leta will be ecstatic when she does something other then "cry at her" ..

Heather - what a beautiful post. You write so eloquently. I am currently expecting my second child, and struggling with many of the same thoughts. But what I am trying to remember, and what may help you through this transition, is that you are not taking something away from Leta by having Marlo - you are giving something to her. My sister is my best friend; we speak every day. I'm eternally grateful that my parents gave me the gift of a sibling, and I'm sure that once Leta wraps her head around it, she will rise to the challenge beautifully. She is, after all, your daughter. =) Hugs from New Zealand!

OMG I had completely forgotten about those feelings! First before I had my second I was convinced I would not love her as much as my first because, let's face it, how could I ever love another person that much??? Then when she arrived and I did love her as much I was racked with guilt over my oldest whose life I had simply ruined by adding another child. Oh yeah, hormones and mommy love for sure.

This too shall pass.

P.S. Yeah my oldest look HUGE when I first saw her after giving birth to my second.

How beautifully written. My sister was born 15 months after I was, and I think I was too young at the time to realize that there was ever a time when she was not there. Later on I asked my parents why they had her so soon after me, and they always said that they were so happy with me that they wanted another.

Hi Heather
read the first few comments, so I know that many of us have been in the same place. Your post brought back so many memories. I brought home my daughter (now 11) when her brother was not quite 3 and I had the same reaction. I bawled and bawled and kept feeling like I betrayed him by bringing "another one" home. But it passed and we all survived and they actually like each other most days. Enough that just yesterday they sang a duet at the end of the year voice recital and I started crying yet again. You have so many good times to look forward to. Savour this very moment and all the ones to come.
cheers
Pam

beautifull
Congratulations to your family of four!

Heather...

I have two girls...4 and 7.

I just called my seven year old in here and asked her point blank, "How did you feel when we brought your sister home...did you feel like we didn't love you anymore or that you were being replaced?"

She said, "No. Why are you asking me this mom?" I told her why and that I just wanted a firsthand account of what the first child feels when the new sibling joins the family.

She looked at me very seriously and said, "Tell Ms. Heather that in a few years Leta won't remember her sister coming home at all and she will just feel like she's always been there and there isn't any other way...and that her mommy loves them both 1000 percent."

Take it from an expert Heather :). Hang in there girl...ride those hormones. I'm thinkin about ya'll alot during this very fragile time.

My 4yr-old son is the best big brother... he really bought into the "now you're a big brother!" thing, and enjoys his new, elevated status in the family. His baby sister just turned a year old and worships him, which seems to be ample repayment for him for the upheaval to his life. We read a lot of books about being an older sib, point out all the things he can do that she can't, etc. Now we can't imagine it any other way. I often think about Sweet Juniper's post about "the new normal," which is so true.

Hope you're feeling sunnier soon, doll - you deserve all the joy in the world this time around, and it'll come.

As for me, I am totally going to buy some chocolate ice cream tonight. You have inspired me.

Holy crap! I am reading my own thoughts typed out so eloquently. I have 2 girls. 5yr old and a 2 month newborn. I felt the same way when I saw my 5year old walk into the hospital room. She had only been away from me for one day, but I swear I was now staring at a different child. Freaked me out. It's like she automaticly matured into a big sister. Which also meant...big hands, big feet and big ears. I even thought her nostrils were bigger. I really love your blog. You are a great writer. You make me laugh every time. Congrats on the addition to your family.

I felt the same way when we dethroned Joey by bringing Sam home. It's an irrational and excruciating guilt. Yet aren't you amazed (just like the first time) that your heart had even MORE room to grow?

I'm going to break your no-unsolicited-advice rule and share the best piece of advice I got during that time: When you're doling out the attention during the first few months, err on the side of your firstborn. Your secondborn will never know the difference, but your firstborn will.

And how lucky for your girls to have two work-from-home parents! If you quit at two (we did!) you'll almost never be outnumbered.

Oh, Heather. Tears in my eyes. HANG IN THERE. You'll figure it all out: all four of you together will figure it out.

I SO distincly remember one day a few weeks after my son was born. I was reading to my daughter before her nap. She was a precocious 3+ years, and I was holding her newborn baby brother. Something in the story must have triggered it - or not - and all of the sudden I was bawling. Erin asked what was wrong, and I sobbed, "I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to take good care of Ben, and still take good care of you, and take some care of myself, too." And my first born, "our special, brilliant child who first changed our hearts," said, "I'll take care of you, Mommy." And my heart melted.

All four of you together will figure it out. And Leta's life will be all the richer for it. So will yours.

Okay, just started scrolling up to read others' comments and have to ask:
SB, what on earth is selfish or manipulative about asking for love?