Familiar territory
Yesterday morning after a bit of a blurry night, one that resembled the many blurry nights before it where the newest member of the family periodically yelled orders and shot butterscotch poo four feet up and out the back of her diaper — wait, have I mentioned yet that Marlo doesn't cry? I'm serious. She doesn't string together a chorus of wailing like many other babies her age, but, and this is a HUGE but, a Kardashian-sized but that makes everyone in the room stop and stare and wonder HOW IN THE WORLD that thing fits through a door, the kid can yell. And I mean, YELL. Like, the referee has just called the runner out at home base and the coach runs out, throws his ball cap on the dirt and starts rattling off a string of obscenities that I wouldn't even repeat on this website, I KNOW CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT, that kind of yelling. Pot-bellied, weathered by years of tragedy and illness and unemployment kind of yelling. Drunk on scotch and just got home from the coal mine yelling.
Where was I? Right, yesterday morning. Somehow all the pieces came together and everything that normally has to get done on a Monday morning got done. Leta got dressed, the dogs got fed, Marlo burped and ate and yelled about the wet diaper that had leaked all over her onesie. And then, here's the kicker, I took a shower, washed my hair and applied mascara. If you've never lived with a newborn you're probably going, huh? What? There's a point to this? YES. IN FACT THERE IS A POINT. AN EXCLAMATION POINT. A THUNDERING HERD OF THEM. Because then we got into the car and made it to Marlo's two-week check-up on time. Without any crying or screaming or chucking heavy appliances across the room. I guess the only way to explain the significance of this to someone who hasn't ever lived with a newborn is to imagine waking up in a bed of liquid chocolate next to a naked supermodel. And then suddenly you realize that while you've been sleeping someone came in and wallpapered your room with Twizzlers and one hundred dollar bills.
I felt so powerful, so victorious, like I could crush solid granite with my hands. I wanted to turn cartwheels across my front yard, except for that whole STITCHES IN THE LADY PARTS thing. Yes, I did just go there, my apologies to the 19-year-old boy who is reading this in his mom's basement. Listen, you just go right ahead and think that all women wax themselves bald down there like the pictures you see in that stack of porn underneath your bed and pretend I didn't just suggest that on occasion, when the MIRACLE OF LIFE is involved, that beautiful flower of a body part has to come face to face with a needle and thread.
Now, on to something I feel like I need to tell you right away. When I sat down to write this I realized that this is a bit out of order, that I should tell you about labor first, but then I felt like I shouldn't wait because so many of you are wondering and have written to ask, how are you? How are you coping? Do you think the dark cloud is going to eat you alive again? Because what I experienced after Leta was born was so monumentally awful, bad enough that I eventually ended up in a hospital. What if it happens again? You know the odds are that it will happen again, right? Aren't you scared out of your mind?
And so this is what's going on...
The adrenaline rush I experienced after going through a natural birth was unlike anything I've ever lived through before. It was so powerful that I didn't sleep for over 48 hours, and I was giddy, so happy and high and certain that I could move mountains. From the moment they laid Marlo on my chest I was in love, and she and I bonded instantly. For two days she was attached to my chest and I did nothing but marvel at her every feature. That fascination with her has not changed, and neither Jon nor I are experiencing any of the shock that we did when we brought Leta home. In fact, it feels like we are just continuing where we left off when Leta suddenly shifted from newborn to giggling baby. Breastfeeding is so much easier this time. In fact, it's an absolute joy, and both Jon and I can change a diaper with one hand while multi-tasking with the other. There is none of the crazy stress that was there when our lives shifted from childless couple to Family of Three.
However, on day three something happened. At first I thought it was the sleep deprivation catching up with me, so I ignored it. But by day five and six I couldn't pretend I was okay anymore. I started having panic attacks and such severe anxiety that my hands started to contort and clutch into twisted positions that I could not relieve. I couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep, and my mind started spiraling into dangerous places. I was so angry, so frustrated because there was no reason to feel this way. Intellectually I knew everything was okay, and my god! I knew what I was doing! I loved the baby and knew how to meet her needs! WHY WAS I PANICKING?! There just wasn't a good explanation for my crippling anxiety, but there it was. And it was robbing me of the experience I was determined to have.
So early last week we called the doctor who treated me in the hospital back in 2004. He does not normally see patients who are not in the hospital, but by some lucky twist of the universe he thought I was someone else, someone whom he owed a favor, and agreed to see me as an outpatient. And two days later I'm sitting there on a couch in his office facing him as he contorts his face in an effort to figure out just who the hell I am. And I'm sweating, and the anxiety is crawling up my body and paralyzing my neck, and he's all, hmm... you're not who I thought you were. But here you are, and dear God, woman. You look just awful.
So he pulled up my record from five years ago, glanced back at me, looked back at his computer, and that's when I involuntarily blurted out, "I wrote a book about my experience in the hospital." Maybe to let him know that I was serious? That here I was dumb enough to try and do this whole thing again? And he immediately whipped his head around and said, "You're THAT woman?"
Yes. Indeed. THAT woman. The woman who writes about poop and hemorrhoids and stitches in her vagina YES DEAR GOD THAT'S ME. Listen, my Republican, Mormon, gun-owning father read my book and he still loves me! That counts for something, right? I guess his wife had heard about my book, and when she was describing it to him he knew immediately that I had to have been someone he treated because of the speed with which I healed. He treats postpartum depression very differently than most doctors, and his patients usually see results instantly. And that is exactly what happened with me in the hospital five years ago, I took a cocktail of meds and within two hours I felt like a different person.
So we did a lot of talking, and since he's been treating women for this very condition for over 30 years I did a lot of listening and learning. The odds were completely stacked against me, and he said that if I had been gearing up and treating the possibility of this in my third trimester I might have been able to avoid it. But since I didn't it was time to attack it now. So he made a minor tweak to my meds and asked me to come back and see him in two weeks, and I am not even kidding, I felt better that night. In fact, better does not do what I was feeling justice. I felt free.
So what about breastfeeding? That's what you're all wondering, I know, and this is what I'm going to say: he thinks that what I'm taking is perfectly safe to take while breastfeeding. He's prescribed it before to women who are breastfeeding and everything has been perfectly fine. No, I'm not going to talk about what I'm taking because one, it's no one's business, and two, I don't care that you think I'm poisoning my baby. I also think that anyone going through this needs to consult their own doctor and make an informed, personal decision about their individual situation. And then go on and live a better, happier life.
I've been on the new meds for over five days, and I haven't had a panic attack once. I feel like a regular person who has an infant and can handle it, and during my pregnancy that was exactly what I was aiming for. Turns out I needed a little help, a tiny adjustment, but here I am and I am loving it. I love what it has done to my relationship with Leta, what it has helped me see and appreciate in Jon, and I love that I can barely stand to be away from that baby for a minute. Jon has been watching Marlo so that I could write this, and a little bit ago he came rushing downstairs with this kicking, yelling, hungry bundle in his arms, and it was like I hadn't seen her in years. And that yelling... that raucous, staccato, one-too-many-beers yelling... it didn't make me cringe, it made me laugh.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
901. Anonymous said:
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902. Mom24@4evermom said:
I have never commented before, and I realize with two children, one being a newborn, and 900+ comments, you may not even get to read this. I think you are amazing. I think you are brave, courageous and wonderful. Good job to you for doing what you need to do to be proactive and take the best care of yourself, your family and your baby that you can. If you get any negative comments, it's just people with more time on their hands than life to live, people who since they can't compete they criticize, and you should consider the sources and completely ignore it. You are entitled to your happiness, your mental health, and I think you are doing great.
903. Christine said:
OMG... I need the name of your doctor b/c what you JUST described... the paralyzing anxiety... is what I am going through and I haven't had any relief for 5 months now... my son is still alive and thriving, but I am a serious wreck. I know how to care for him, I've had experience, and I'm happy- not sad... but I have this overwhelming anxiety that has no reason for existing. I don't think what I am on is helping... wait.. it's not... so I was under the impression that I was the only one going through this "weird" anxiety thing and that there was no help for it.
Please email me if you can.
-Christine
904. Anonymous said:
I like the picture of Chuck with the EMPTY diapers. First thing that hit me (thought wise) was "nice flooring", second thing was "you do not want to see what Chuck can do to those diapers when they are FULL".
Enjoy pequeño Dooce-ette.
905. Krista said:
God am I happy for you and SO PROUD to hear you talk about PPD. It's awful. It's crippling. It's dark and painful and anyone who HAS NOT gone thru it has no right to comment. And NO ONE has any right to judge you. You are doing wonderfully and if ur family is happy and healthy, that's ALL that matters. Marlo is gorgeous btw. :D
906. Laura said:
But don't you know? Tom Cruise says there's no such thing as post-partum depression. That's it's a myth and you shouldn't take ANYTHING for it, just speak to Xanu or whatever the heck his "religion" talks about and it will all be OK. What an ass he is!
907. KJ said:
You lost me when you said that you PUSHED A BABY OUT OF YOUR VAGINA WITHOUT ANY DRUGS! WOW!
Congratulations, Armstrongs!
908. NoL said:
How wonderful!!!!!!! Enjoy the Joy!!!
909. Michelle said:
Thank you for your candor; as someone who also needs the meds, I appreciate you sharing your story with us. I'm glad you are seeing such immediate and lasting results. Congrats on the baby!
910. Sandy said:
Congratulations......Marlo is so beautiful. So glad to hear your doing good. I think you are an Amazing woman =)...*HUGS*
911. Anonymous said:
You go girl. Rock on.
912. Ivy said:
Reading your post gives me a lot of hope. I suffer from this and it's not been easy to find doctors in my area specializing in postpartum depression and anxiety. I just wish it was EASY for women to find good physicians that specialize in this condition, because once it hits you it is difficult to think straight.
913. Zoeright said:
This crap is chemical-and sometimes needs a chemical solution and anybody who doesn't understand that should shove their opinions where the sun does not shine.
I am so glad you found someone to help you fix it so that you can enjoy your new baby.
914. jana said:
I had wonky thyroid issues when I was pregnant, and had to take a drug that was a little iffy about what might/might not pass to the baby. But the risks of leaving my hyperthyroidism untreated would have been worse, so I took the drug. As a result, I had to put up with lots of judgy people who thought I was a cracked out whore poisoning my unborn child. He was (and is) fine, of course. This is just to say, screw 'em! Screw 'em AND their unsolicited opinions!
I also thought the transition from childless to parent was MUCH more difficult than the transition to mother-of-two. It almost seems...easy and FUN this time around!
915. Odds stacked against me too said:
You are amazing. I am planning on having another baby very soon and am PETRIFIED that I will feel the same postpartum effects of the first time. Oh those days of feeling so helpless and angry I wish to never experience again. BUT in this one blog entry of yours you have made me feel okay if it were to rear its ugly head again. Thank you. from the bottom of my heart. I am so thankful for your openness and honesty of such a private situation.
916. Anonymous said:
I'm way past postpartum with the 'baby' of the family being 13, but I'm also dealing with god-awful depression and anxiety. That combination that swirls itself into one big paralzying mess. You're inspiring me to just make the damn appointment, go see the doc and get back on meds. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
917. Em said:
LOVE you and all you wright here. You give me laughs everyday! love this post and am so happy to hear that yes there are bumps in the road but you can get over them..
918. mdog said:
How wonderful! Congratulations on feeling better!
It's so hard for us babyless folks to imagine such a tiny thing yelling or having what new moms always refer to as a "belly laugh." So can we please have a video clip of the yelling?
Please? I'll give you...I don't know, I could give you the world's most annoying cat, or the world's most messy living room, or even a deck filled with the world's most deadest plants. All of this could be yours if you would just post a video of your baby yelling.
Thank you,
mdog
919. KathyMarie said:
Heather, thank you for sharing not only the happiest moments, but also the low moments. As someone who is dealing with "blue" periods untreated (so far), I appreciate your honesty and encouragement.
I hope you and your family are doing well.
920. Lisa said:
Just as with your dermatological issues, you did the mature and responsible thing, and got some treatment when you saw the red flags. Your actions are inspiring, and I am more than happy for you that the outcome allows you to enjoy your new, precious daughter even more (and likely allows you to be present for Jon and Leta as well). Is it weird to say, "I'm proud of you" when I don't even know you?
921. Rebecca said:
Sooo glad and relieved...we're pulling for you, Dooce!
922. WBinNYC said:
After 900+ comments I know you won't scroll down this far. Regardless, I'd like to add my support and congatulations to how you, your doctor and your meds are managing the situation. You've earned a lifetime of happiness so go ahead and cash it in.
Wishing you the very, very best...
WB
923. WBinNYC said:
After 900+ comments I know you won't scroll down this far. Regardless, I'd like to add my support and congatulations to how you, your doctor and your meds are managing the situation. You've earned a lifetime of happiness so go ahead and cash it in.
Wishing you the very, very best...
WB
924. The Expatresse said:
I love you. You are so cool.
925. Anonymous said:
Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou! I have been a very "fly by night" follower of your blog after seeing you on a talk show. I gave birth July 08 to a beautiful girl...and had a nightmarish experience afterword. I didn't sleep for 5 days in a row and had some major anxieties. When I tried to talk to people about it, not one person really related. I was so relieved to read your latest post! I am going to research where to get your book about your experience with first delivery. Sounds like a good/familiar read!! Thanks again!
926. A said:
Good for you!!! Tom Cruise can suck it.
I often wonder if meds could have helped me...
Nah, I just gave baby to Daddy, drank Goldschlager and watched HGTV for a couple months. Everything is great now!
927. Val said:
very, Very, VERY happy for you, Heather! I'm so happy you are able to enjoy this time...
928. pysmatic said:
No one should say a goddamn word about breastfeeding with meds. Cows take meds too. and do we know exactly which ones? not really. you do what you feel is right. and you know what? not that you need it, but I think you are doing what is right. and fuck everyone who says otherwise.
929. Laura said:
Oh my GAWD, I'm going to scratch my own fucking eyes out! It is JULY FIRST, and you still have up the JUNE masthead! Ack, oh, oof... don't you care?!? I mean, can't you ACT PROFESSIONAL? I know you had a BABY recently, but don't you CARE about your READERS? I really expect so much more from you... I know you think life is all about bathroom remodels, and babies, but don't you know some day we're all going to DIE?!? Apparently, we're all going to die while looking at your June masthead.
I'm off to rend my garments, gouge my eyes out, throw myself down a well, etc., etc.
930. Larissa said:
Good for you for getting help before it got so bad, for recognizing that the schmucks reading your blog (including me) don't need to know the details of your medical care and for listening to your heart and your doctor and taking the best care of yourself and your baby that you can. I hope things go smoothly from here on out for your whole family.
931. Monica said:
I am so happy for you I want to cry :)
932. pamela p said:
Amen sista! Enjoy every minute, you know how fast it goes!
933. Chrissy said:
Heather, this is just so wonderful! I am soooo thrilled for you guys. And your experience? Totally makes me think that maybe I COULD have another child w/o going through the absolute hell of severe postpartum depression. That doctor? Pure awesomeness. And good for you for continuing to breastfeed! I did too and my son? Just peachy. Good luck chicka!
934. Hedgie said:
I stopped by for a Daily Chuck pick-me-up and was inspired by your courage instead. Thanks for the honesty, and I hope that doc knows what an amazing physician he is.
Be well.
Hedgie
935. Music for Mother and Child said:
Wonderful.
Great to hear!
Have a great summer :-D
greetings,
Music for Mother and Child
936. Brooke said:
Is it weird that this post made me want butterscotch???
It probably is......
BTW, my "captcha" words are "from champagne." Oh, indeed I am!!!!!
937. Anonymous said:
Heather you give me hope! I had wicked PPD and wouldn't get help because I was nursing and didn't want to have to stop. Totally miserable for the first 7 months or so of her life and cheated out of the joy of it. Thank you for pointing out that I don't have to keep my head up my butt that far next round! Love and luck to the family!
938. Stacey said:
Glad to hear you're enjoying life with the wonderful new addition. It's not easy being a mom and while most of us have an 'escape' to an office or job for a few hours, you bravely stay on the battlefield 24/7. Not many parents are brave enough to do that and maintain happiness/sanity/love. You don't need the internet to tell you how to do it but just know we support you and wish the Armstrong clan only the best.
939. Anne said:
Brava!
940. Erin said:
You give me such hope! My son is 21 months old and I have been battling PPD since he was born. I wish I had a miracle doctor like yours because honestly, while the meds have helped and therapy has helped even more, I really need a miracle cocktail right about now. A friend in my PPD support group (http://www.angelfire.com/oh3/alightershadeofblue/) told me about your book. I'm only about a 1/3 of the way in to it but check your blog out a few times a week to find out how it is going with #2. I really want a #2. Somedays I am geared up and totally ready for it and other days, I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there forever. The crap seems to never end - I wish more Dr's were as educated about PPD as yours and knew how to make it go away. Does he make house calls? Maybe to say, Cincinnati Ohio?
Thank you for being so open and honest about your life - I wish more people had the courage you do!
941. Katie Morton said:
Thanks for sharing ... it's comforting to know moms are allowed to be real people and are no longer expected to be some weird iconic plastic halo-wearing virgin Mary bobble heads.
942. DiaryofaNewMom said:
Hi! I'm not a regular reader but I just finished your book & decided to check in on your blog. It's like picking up where the book left off! I just had my second baby 4 mos. ago & I can relate to so much of what you're describing. The biggest issue I had was crippling guilt about shoving my firstborn off his pedestal. But aside from one finger-biting incident he's been great. Now he says he loves "his baby" all the time.
943. Jinx said:
Congratulations Heather! I am so happy that everything is so good this time. Enjoy every minute. I'm happy for all of you!
944. Diane Dawson said:
How wonderful!! All women should have access to this kind of incredible support when they have any kind of PPD. Enjoy, enjoy!!!
And reminding myself to seek help myself this second time around, before I face the abysss again...
945. Dani said:
Heya, I'm so glad you guys are all doing well! Marlo is such a cutie and I can't wait to see pictures of her and Leta together! I'm overjoyed that things are getting better for you Heather! How wonderful that you were able to see that doctor as an outpatient, because he clearly knows what he is doing. You guys seem to be doing this adjustment quite well! Kudos to that! :)
p.s. I'm suber impressed that you guys managed to get eberyone out the door and to the right places in the same day, AND you had a shower AND mascara! Holy shit! you are awesome!
946. Lola said:
Hang in there - I'm so glad you recognized and reacted and are now feeling much better. Congrats lady!
947. ...love Maegan said:
I am officially afraid to have children now ...on so many levels ;) Glad you are feeling better.
948. Lee said:
OK, I'm glad someone else has experience with the yelling baby syndrome. My niece, now six, used to very plainly say the word "goddammit" every time I gave her a bottle...I went as far as to catch one of them with the camera on my phone for proof...My Hub saw the little darling's pic and said this, "She is the most non-Winston Churchill-looking baby he has ever seen. She's so cute." Quite a compliment from that goddamn grump...
have fun
949. Baby Pushchairs said:
Boy you tell an interesting story- Thanks for sharing the news about how your baby's doing!
950. nic @mybottlesup said:
so glad to hear that you are taking care of you.
fantastic! enjoy!
951. Kristin said:
I know I'm almost the 1000th person to comment but this post made me smile; I am so so so so happy for you and your family :) Glad to know you are feeling better. Your story inspires SO MANY WOMEN!!!
952. Stephanie said:
I'm very interested to understand how you could have avoided what happened, "he said that if I had been gearing up and treating the possibility of this in my third trimester I might have been able to avoid it."
953. Kimberly said:
I've been reading you for years and years, but have never commented before. I just wanted to say that I'm so, so happy for you and for your family. I'm so glad you feel empowered to take care of yourself and I'm looking forward to seeing how this new chapter unfolds.
Congratulations!
954. Morgan said:
I'm so glad you were able to recognize what was happening - that's HUGE. And I'm ALSO glad you got the help you needed.
And your joy in Marlo and Leta almost - ALMOST - makes me want to have children myself. Except for that whole stitches-in-lady-parts thing.
955. Cara said:
Heather, so happy and so proud of you for writing about this. You kick ass. I'm in pharmacy and I see women *not* taking meds when they desperately need them for both their health and the health of their baby, although the independent research says you can take the meds (many meds don't pass into breastmilk as much as popular culture thinks they do). So glad you're doing what is best for you. Best wishes to you and your family.
956. Kel said:
I had to send this to you, in case you needed another laugh (or to be totally grossed out- whatever):
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1908194,00.html
957. melissa said:
now if only people reacted to the pix of the baby's room as well as they did to this post...haha.
congrats and cheers to bringing down the stigma.
958. The Dalai Mama said:
You brought tears to my eyes. Your honesty is awesome and refreshing.
Love is a powerful thing--glad the doc helped you get to the place you need to be for you to get to enjoy it all.
xoxo
D
959. Amber said:
Heather, I am so happy for you.
960. Palesa said:
Anxiety is such a horrible, crippling thing, I know all about it...I am so glad you got seen by a good doctor and treated quickly and that you are feeling better. I hope you continue to stay well and enjoy your expanded family and enjoy the good times ahead :) You take care! x
961. Anna said:
That man needs a medal, and he needs to teach a mandatory course for all OB/GYNs and hospital staff across the country.
962. Emma said:
Heather, with one paragraph you made me cry, and smile, and feel hopeful and joyful and inspired and glad to be alive. You are amazing and I wish you all so much happiness. Thank you.
963. Sharon said:
I was in the weeds when I had my twins five years ago, and there's not a day that goes by when I don't hope I can do it again someday (with just one!) and feel the way I wanted to feel then. It must be incredible to have that perfect baby girl depending on you and knowing that you've GOT THIS. You are living proof that what I daydream about could actually happen. You're my hero.
964. Dona said:
You are a beautiful and courageous woman! Keep doing what you need to do to remain healthy and happy. By doing that your children will in turn also be healthy and happy. :-)
965. Tanya said:
Heather, thank you for sharing your life with all of us. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to nip it in the bud before it got out of hand. I'm pregnant with my second child, due in November. After I had my son, I experienced a touch of the "baby blues" for about two and a half weeks. It was pure torture. I can't even begin to imagine full-blown postpartum depression. Fortunately, having been through it before, I'll know what to look for and how, hopefully, to handle it. Reading your stories are more helpful than you know.
Your girls are beautiful!!!
966. Anonymous said:
Wonderful. I am so happy all of you are doing so well! Congratulations.
967. Amanda said:
You know, for all the differences we have in ways we parent, ways we love, how we vote, how we hurt, there is nothing quite like hearing a mom realize joy. It's all that matters.
I am so happy for you. Truly!
968. Maitri said:
Sorry if you've answered this before or somewhere in this comments' section, but what's the advice on breastfeeding while on your anti-anxiety meds?
969. Anonymous said:
congratulations to you and your family. i'm really happy to hear that you got the help you need and that the meds helped so quickly. enjoy every second with your wonderful girls!
970. Mouse said:
Heather
Thank you for having the guts and the eloquence to explain this to a world which, for the most part, doesn't understand
Jeez, that sounds pompous and prissy
As one who had a such a major panic attack this very morning that her daughter almost threw a bucket of water over her,and who is still trying to pull her fingernails out of the ceiling, thanks
971. Britte said:
I have to admit, after reading the last journal about the intense guilt you had I wondered to myself if perhaps you were starting to feel the panic again. I'm really glad that you recognized the signs so early on and that you didn't put off taking care of the problem.
Good for you, Heather.
972. liz said:
So totally happy to hear that you are doing well and that you are on top of it.
973. Andrea said:
You amaze me. Absolutely, make me grin from ear to ear amaze me. I am so glad to hear that you were able to nip things early on and are now going how you want them. You deserve the best, Heather. You all do.