• Rachel

    I am 34 weeks pregnant and all that talk about beans and cheese and pictures of cake makes me very VERY hungry! Happy Birthday Jon!

  • http://www.shamelesslysassy.com Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy

    You want to know what the weirdest fucking thing about Oswald is? Kevin Arnold, the cute kid from the Wonder Years, is the voice of Oswald. Kevin Arnold, really Fred Savage, was the first person that I ever wanted dry hump desperately. 14 year old me would have dry humped Kevin Arnold in the movie theatre, school bathroom and/or church. It was sort of like all of the places that Sam I Am would/wouldn’t eat Green Eggs & Ham–except with dry humping and Kevin Savage. That said, can you imagine how odd it is to see the voice of your first hardcore tv crush portraying a loser Octopus? It hurts, I’m tell you. It also makes me glad that I was never given the opportunity to rub my pubescent boobies up on him.

  • Jen in NH

    1. Hostess Donettes MUST have crack in them – what other explanation can there be?
    2. Your blog must also have crack in it – can’t get enough! I’ve made addicts of all my friends, am reading my way through the archives (really, I’m not a stalker) and have to force myself to slow down and not read it all in one day.

    Thanks for sharing your life and family; it’s a great gift on those days when I’m sure I’m a horrible friend, wife, stepmom, daughter, etc, etc to know other people 2nd guess themselves, make mistakes and get over them…are actually human and imperfect like me.

    Oh, and the laughter’s a big fat help, too.
    Happy Birthday and many more to all of you!

  • Natasha


  • http://keeponsmyelin.blogspot.com/ K*OS!

    Happy Birthday, Jon!

    Hope Oswald doesn’t come back to haunt you in the middle of the wee hours again. It’s right up there with Tipi Tales and Toy Castle.

  • momma2731

    Ok, listen here, Armstrong. I gave birth to my second four and a half months ago and STILL have 10 lbs left to go. You just had Marlo, what?, yesterday? You and your green leafed will power have now rendered my bowl of butter soaked popcorn completely unappetizing.


    If I am to understand you correctly, it is that 2 lbs of fresh cherries that can be blamed for El Fartso last night and not, as I had assumed, the angry wrath of God? Hmmm. Interesting.

  • April

    I am totally impressed with that hair, Jon! My husband would go all man-jealous on you if he saw that picture. In fact, he had no idea how bald he was on top until we had our first child and on the way home from the hospital he checked the baby in the multiple-mirror system that allows nervous driving parents to see whether their rear-facing infant has barfed on herself or whatever. It was then he saw the reflection not of his darling newborn daughter’s bright shining face, but of the shiny patch of naked skin living on the back of his head where hair used to grow. It was quite a shock to him, and the look on his face was priceless as his hand flew up there to verify the nascent chrome-dome. Anyway, happy birthday, Jon. Count your blessings!

  • Anonymous

    For anyone who comments questioning Dooce’s parenting skills, are you aware that she has won Best Parenting Blog umpteenth times!!

    It floors me that people read this blog and comment only to:

    1) Bash Dooce for letting Leta eat what she likes (would hate to live as that evil commenter’s kid, being force fed yucky stuff every night so that mommy can get off on her power over helpless developing minds.

    2) Comment that Dooce’s pillows look like they have Hitler on them. Dooce’s style is exactly that – Dooce’s style. The same person who sees Hitler in innocent design work is probably someone who believes the Holocaust never happened.

  • http://colleenpierre.blogspot.com Colleen

    Oh man, i’m totally laughing out loud at my desk! Jesus what a funny post that was! Happy Birthday Jon.

    I just broke my Dooce comment virginity by the way. Heather you rock and add a little color (maybe cyan) to my otherwise boring day. They don’t call them the magical fruit for nothing, damn those beans!

  • http://www.curtistucker.com That Sneaker Wearing Entrepreneurial Cartoonist Internet Guy

    Hey, speaking of Hostess Donettes I must say that I’ve been on binge that I cannot kick. You get the six pack of Frosted (chocolate) Donettes and stick them in the freezer for about 30 minutes. Pull those babies out and eat immediately. The chocolate coating kind of crunches as you eat them. OMG!

    Hope that gets you off the green stuff.

    Oh yeah, happy b-day Jon!

  • http://www.digibutter.com Digibutter

    I absolutely needed this laugh today – thank you so much! Happy Birthday to both you and Jon!

  • http://buyprams.com.au/prams-and-stroller-store/ prams

    You seriously do not need to be losing weight now Heather. Slow down girl!

  • http://www.fromsingletomarried.com/ Tabitha (From Single to Married)

    Poor Marlo! Wait, what am I saying? Poor you!

  • http://kaiasmommysaid.blogspot.com/ sneffnie

    This was hilarious, thanks for the giggle. My husband has a similar reaction to Dora… “She’s so stupid, can she not see that the mountain is RIGHT THERE??”

  • http://lissabird.blogspot.com/ Lissa Lander

    I used to worry so much about characters in disaster comedies that I couldn’t enjoy the embarrassing hilarity. But then I medicated the anxiety and initiated a 12 step program in reducing my empathy, and now I’m proud to say that I almost enjoy Will Ferrel movies.

  • http://irritableblogsyndrome.typepad.com Dayna

    THANK YOU! I too hate movies/shows where everything goes wrong aka Ben Stiller movies. I hate feeling awkward for someone else I don’t even know. It’s just to stressful!

  • Rebecca

    My grandmother had the exact same placemats… I never thought spying someone elses placemats would put a smile on my face…

  • http://www.laraslousylife.com Lara

    So, I just quit my job at Weightwatchers.com Thank the Lord, but it is a great, great diet. http://www.weightwatchers.com OR you can try the Oprah fast. Or not. Just enjoy, otherwise, I’m sure all that anxiety will help to burn off the calories.

  • http://bethmann15.blogspot.com Beth

    Ahh, beans and babies. It’s like me and skinny jeans…not a great combination. Happy Birthday to Jon. Please tell me you at least had a slice of that fantastically over-iced cake!

  • http://clairelindstrom.blogspot.com/ Claire

    There’s a store in Ogden called Heebeegeebeez that is FULL of Star Wars stuff. I am assuming your husband is a Star Wars fan from the cake. Or you just like themed cakes.

  • Dara

    Can we get that famous bean recipe?

  • Shelley

    I am a frequent reader and really enjoy your writing style and sense of humor but I guess I don’t understand using the word rape as something humorous. The terror, fear and sense of helplessness that would accompany that action is not something that I can ever see translating as funny or to be taken lightly.

    I try to keep an open mind when it comes to this sort of thing but I feel I had to share on that especially as many of your readers seem to think it’s one of the funnier things you’ve said and it doesn’t really make sense to me. It makes me sad, actually.

    However, I would like to thank you for sharing your birth story with us. I found Part Two to be one of the most moving pieces I have ever read and the feelings you invoked with your writing will stay with me for a long long time. Thank you so much for sharing your world and being so vulnerable. I really appreciate it.

  • Amy

    Today is his birthday, or yesterday? Mine is today. Happy birthday to Jon.

    (and me)

  • http://www.crazyadventuresinparenting.com Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting

    Those shows make me MENTAL! I’m with John! WTF!

    Happy birthday!!

  • http://www.blushinghostess.blogspot.com The Blushing Hostess

    Great cake!

    A very happy birthday to Jon!

  • http://www.milkstained.com foxy kate

    don’t give up on oswald until you’ve seen the episode “Big Banana Day.”

  • http://www.iambossy.com/ BOSSY

    This is an amazingly funny tribute to a birthday barely mentioned. (Standing ovation!)

  • http://bethalea.blogspot.com just beth

    DUDE. Sally (just now three) went through an ‘Oswald’ OB.SESS.ION.

    I just don’t have anything else to say. Don’t let them get hooked on it, and if you EVER see them trying to watch ‘Calliou’ (PBS Sprout), THROW THE T.V. OUT THE WINDOW. I’m serious. I want to choke his polite little neck.



    P.S. God, Jon! I thought you were WAAAAAY older than you are! *giggle*

    Happy Birthday. Not quite sure I ‘get’ the penguins, but whatever. You are The Man.

  • Sarah

    Happy Birthday, Jon!

  • http://cowjumpmoon.blogspot.com Shalini

    Happy Birthday Jon! Best wishes!

    Did Marlo’s toots blow out all the candles?


  • http://fusionofme.blogspot.com/ Aisha

    Last year, I spent a great deal of time at a friend’s house, and they had cheapo basic cable. Oswald was ALWAYS on at 10 pm, and I always watched it. No one else got my addiction to that awful show, but I love that the show’s main character is an octopus who, among other things, frets about drowning.

    Isn’t he also British?

    Happy birthday wishes to Jon!

  • Peita

    My kids love Oswald also. What a ‘genius’ thought to give an octopus a pet (hot) dog and call it Weenie?! Hope Jon had a great birthday (awesome cake!)

  • http://pogmothoinblog.blogspot.com/ Jennifer Ann

    Just wanted to say I found this blog a few months ago and have enjoyed your entries immensely.

    Happy birthday Jon!


  • http://www.musicformotherandchild.com Music for Mother and Child



    Music for Mother and Child

  • Tara

    No lie. Before you said Ben Stiller, I thought “Meet the Parents”. That movie is painful. As are pretty much all his movies.

  • Jaxon

    44. Missey said:
    Re: your baby weight. You’ll keep on at least ten of those pounds while you are breastfeeding- your body needs that extra cushion to create milk effectively for your child. So…don’t beat yourself up or freak out over your weight, you need it for now!

    Listen to Missey! I nursed as well and the weight came off without me even trying. As a matter of fact around the six month mark I had lost too much weight and my milk dried right up overnight. I had hell getting it established again so be very careful about losing too much.

  • Dorothy

    Oh my goodness. As a band teacher, I laughed SO HARD at the trombone raped by a tuba line. WILLAKERS.

    On a side note – being a teacher, I know a lot of people that know random things. Did you know that children have more bitter tastebuds and therefore prefer things like meat and cheese and candy to vegetables because of it? If you think about it, it makes perfect sense – children are closer to the ground and have a habit of putting anything and everything in their mouths, so before the dawn of suburbia, when walking through fields, if they put plants in their mouth, they would spit it out because it tasted bad and therefore they could be taught by the parents what plants were safe. Nifty, huh?

    And #99 Jen – I read through all the archives too. It’s ridiculous. We are not stalkers…I think.

  • http://mikeramblings.blogspot.com/ MC Etcher

    Aww! He always comes across as a good guy – I guess we only hear the good stuff, but he seems like a good joe.

    I don’t know that I’ve ever had a theme cake, even as a kid… Cute!

  • http://manualnotincluded.com Kara

    I cringed when I read the 3rd paragraph. Been there, done, that, repressed the memories of my screaming, bloated infant!

  • http://www.aussiechic.com aussiechic

    Ohhhhh the first weeks of a newborn at home…..I remember those days and God willing – will be suffering them myself in a year or so when we have our second…..but I would not swap them for all the tea in china….

  • http://constance63.blogspot.com Constance the 63rd

    LMAO. OMG. Shooting sparks out her ass??!! Sorry, that’s just hilarious!

  • http://thatgirlblogs.com thatgirlblogs

    John and I can share my spectacular birthday month. Happy bday to us! I have been buying myself a pressie, daily.

    Sparks out of her ass is my new fave saying.

  • http://www.becomingsomething.com Natasha

    Yes! All Ben Stiller movies! And The Office. My husband and I cannot watch them and enjoy them because we are superior empathetic beings and it’s toooooo painful.

  • DeborahB

    I did the same thing with my firstborn. The hospital sent you home with a free dinner, our choice. I picked (stupidly) beef and broccoli. Yeah, it was a little gassy and Alexandra had the WORST NIGHT OF HER LIFE trying to process that. Poor thing. I felt bad. Now you know. Sorry for Marlo though!

  • Andrea

    My eyes got sooooo wide when you started eating the beans!Sorry about your gassy night! haha Still trying to figure out what makes my 4 1/2 week old gassy… oh, everything!
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON! have fun guys, and cute cake!

  • http://www.durvy.com Devon

    A quirky morning for a quirky family. :)

    Sounds like you guys know how to party!

  • http://www.bossclaire.vox.com Clarabella

    I’m still bothered by that pesky 15 lbs., & my son is 26 months old. Oy. It’s funny you mention the uncouth strangers, too, because that’s what finally made me buy myself some new (albeit bigger) clothes. After I ran her over with my car, of course.
    Heh, The Babysitter made me snort. My son was unhealthily addicted to “Oswald” for an inordinate amount of time, and his father was consistently bothered by the logical problems on that show. Echoing Jon’s perception, I was always confused by why Oswald wears a frakking INTERTUBE when he goes in the water. Ridiculous. And don’t even get me started on his talking-flower friend Daisy!
    Happy Birthday, Jon!
    (My word verification is “swagged late.” I wish I could think of something clever to say about that.)

  • http://www.tonyadoughty.com Tonya Doughty

    You are sassy. I like it. I always answered the post-pregnancy “when are you due?” question with an excited “NEXT WEEK!! I am due next week, can you believe how HUGE I am? These TWINS must be 6 lbs each at LEAST.” Then they think you are a rail because obviously if this is you at 9 months, you must be stick-thin.

    And Second thing, I think our husbands share the same bday, big whoop, I know, but just thought I’d mention it. July 30, but mine is 42 on this one. No octopi shows at our house this morning, but we sure do say fuck a lot. in front of the kids. c’est la vie.
    Great post, Happy day to Jon, happy day to you (since you didn’t have to get any older today.)

  • Maggie

    Oh noooo! Oswald is very popular in our house. I have 2-1/2 yr. old twins, and unfortunately our son, Alex loves Oswald. LOVES Oswald. We have two DVD’s which we are forced to put on far too often for my sanity. I even bought him a stuffed Oswald from Japan, via e-bay. Oy vey, e-bay, that cost me a fortune.
    I honestly think the one redeeming factor about Oswald is that the voices on the show are all fairly cool people- (well, o.k. maybe not that cool- Fred Savage as the blue octo himself)but the rest of the cast is pretty interesting: Henry (the penguin) is the voice of David Lander, who for those of us old enough to remember this, was Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley. When Henry’s cousin, Louie comes to visit, he is the voice of Micheal McKean- (Lenny from L&S), thus re-uniting the comic duo.
    Also- the voice of Madame Butterfly is Lorraine Newman (again, for those old enough to remember the original Saturday Night Live)- which does really crack me up. Other famous voices on the show include Tony Orlando, (Sammy Starfish), Richard Kind (Pongo- the ‘retard’ dragon), Kathy Najimy (Bingette Bunny), and Mac Davis (Bingo- the Rabbit barber).
    How do you feel about Peppa Pig? This is the next most popular show, and also Yo Gabba Gabba- which is actually growing on me. It’s just so fucking WEIRD, how can you not chuckle!?
    Oh- I guess, “Happy Birthday Jon”… from a complete stranger. My birthday was 3 days ago. I turned 41. My brother was kind enough to point out that I’m now IN my 40′s….

  • http://hersouthernheart.com/ Holly

    Happy Birthday, Jon!