The greatest email in the history of the Internet
The following email arrived anonymously in my inbox a couple of days after I posted about my recent Maytag saga. It is a literary masterpiece, one filled with a bit of questionable language (BEWARE! meaning, Dad, you're not going to want to read this one), and I could not in good conscience keep this to myself. Behold:
Regarding Your Most Recent Post
Dear Mrs. Armstrong,
I am a Germanic headless anti-vaccination pioneer. I am deeply offended by your having opinions and complaining about your sub-par washing machine service.
My parents died when I was four years old. They were security guards at the city zoo that came upon a massive kudu heist in progress and halted the progress of the criminals long enough to be fatally stabbed seventy-three times in total. I spent many years on the stoop of a slumlord's crapshack, exposing myself to gang violence as bullets whistled by daily like sideways-going pigeon poop, listening to he and his portly halfbreed banshee-bull terrier wife rail against each other like two krumpers in a street circle.
I chose this loud locale for my home solely to learn to separate my w's and my v's properly amidst the screams of "piss-guzzling ass minstrel," "shit-swilling crap-belching vagina," "pithy rust-encrusted testicle envelope," and "burgeoning harlot, omni-wight-fucking chasm-cockpit, moss-growing volcanically throwing-up dick splitter, Blubberface McButtshit Taintlicker Esquire."
It is deeply hurtful to me that you stereotype my people by implying that we are too stupid and worthless to not mix up our v's and w's, like we lolloped out of some old anti-German cartoon. You Americans still haven't forgiven us for World War II and your old prejudices stand in the way of you actually growing any brains, and we already apologized for it, and it pisses me off that you still demean us in this way.
I also want you to know that I lived in this horrible wretched (NOT VRETCHED) God-beshatted place until my head was shot off at the age of eleven by a seven-year-old crack dealer with an AK-47. I suffered much pain and suffering and playground tormenting because of this. "Headless Whorewoman" they called me, "Hessian Poopeater," they taunted me, "No-Face McButt," they screamed and pointed.
"Why don't you go find Ichabod and fuck him with a pumpkin," was the response that I got the first time I asked a boy out on a date.
You cannot possibly know the pain of not having a head and the social ostracization I have fought to overcome, how my life spiraled into a black angry pit full of snakes of despair and spiders of wrath and black roses of zombie sex and skulls of vampire fetish and the blackness of waking torpid undead death; and I do not find it funny at all that you make light of this suffering.
I left the city life after a Korean man who sold intricately-carved animal bacula gave me a pamphlet on the Church of Latter-Day Saints. After he discovered I couldn't read (not because I was German and couldn't understand English because of all the w's and v's, but because I DIDN'T HAVE A HEAD, IF YOU RECALL) he gave me a verbal summary, and it was like a golden shower of divine inspiration had rained down on me directly from the deepest depths of the angelic hosts' very being. I decided to move to Utah.
Having no money, however, I struck out on foot, with only a few dozen squirrels I had harnessed in the city to guide me in my horrible blindness and to carry the few possessions I had: a few quarters for laundry, a toothbrush with a shaved end that doubled as a shiv, a raccoon baculum that doubled as either a smaller shiv or a fishhook, and a few masks full of styrofoam to prevent people thinking I was coming from beyond the grave to destroy them (Bill Clinton, werewolf, and Stormtrooper).
It took years of difficult struggle for me to make it, and not a few squirrels gave their lives to distract the coyotes from my sleeping form which looked to them for all the world like carrion. I was shot several more times (apparently this was many strangers' first response to my alarming appearance) and nearly bled to death on several occasions, but the divinity of my quest kept me alive by the grace of God and the inspiration of Joseph Smith the Prophet.
Your washing machine doesn't seem so effing important now, does it. Oh, your house is covered in poop? I was covered in blood for a solid year. And poop, as well, as it's hard to find motivation to find a suitable place to shit when you don't have enough blood to raise your hand and slap a coyote away. When I was feeling well enough to walk, I found beating my clothes with a rock in a stream suited me just fine.
Eventually, one night in total darkness, I arrived at the temple in Salt Lake City. I felt its facade and it was like a lightning bolt ran through my fingers, up and down my spine to my brain and my anus, filling me with the electricity of hope, something I'd never felt before. I sat on the steps until dawn came, and a man of the cloth arrived.
"Who are you?" he said.
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch," I said. Having grown up on the block, this was the only way I had ever heard people talk. I had no idea it was offensive. In a surge of faith that this man would not judge me, I took off my Stormtrooper mask to reveal my lack of a face.
"I'm sorry," he said, scrunching his face in disgust. "I don't think we can accomodate you."
I was plunged into darkness once again. I contemplated killing myself there on the steps, but despite the church's rejection, I still felt a spark of the faith in me. Perhaps the human followers of the church were not prepared for a headless Germanic woman from the block, but I was sure that Jesus and the Latter-Day Saints themselves were.
So I have worshipped in secret. Full of pain, and torment, and the ever-constant sting of rejection by every person I have ever met, I live in a sewer. The closest I have come to a washing machine is getting caught up in little whirlpools during rainstorms. But I have been coming to the public library, once a week, to read your blog, which previously was like a beacon of light and life into my dreary, half-dead days.
But no longer.
UNFOLLOW.
Sincerely,
"Headless Reader"
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Leah said:
Love the site, hope you're enjoying the poop and milk free wardrobe!
2. Daddy Scratches said:
OK, I demand that the dude/dudette who wrote that stand up and take a bow.
An Epic Vitriolic Screed, indeed.
3. zwolsche diva said:
That truly is the work of a dedicated ex-fan.
LOL!
4. Kate said:
I applaud you, Headless Germanic Pioneer!
5. Meredith said:
OMFG. This. is. awesome.
My 3 favorite lines (since you asked): a tie between "shit-swilling crap-belching vagina," "a golden shower of divine inspiration," and "I'm a fucking believer, my bitch."
Thanks for sharing.
6. Andrea said:
Pure Genius! I am cracking up!
8. Anonymous said:
No way!
Only 2 comments? I get to be in the top 5?
No way!
9. Yoj228 said:
Holy crap, that is EPIC.
Whoa.
10. Rachel said:
Whoah.
11. Casey said:
Headless Readers are funny. :-)
Just because it's on the interweb doesn't mean you have control, oh blog-readers! That's the beauty of it all.
12. Linsey said:
That just made my day... very creative & well-versed is the headless creature!
13. Lucy's mom said:
You gotta love people with a sense of humor - that was good. Warped but good.
14. Gleegarden said:
Whoa. Headless. Hard to read without a head. Amazing!
15. Valerie Hope said:
Dear Headless Reader,
I applaud your faith, since I'm sure you're not an avid tv watcher I must tell you- it's time to update your masks. Let's add Sarah Palin to the bunch.
16. Bonnie Jean said:
perfect. And, I'm at work and can't laugh out loud. the misery.
17. Sarah said:
Amazing! That was truly a work of art. Either crazy or genius...I'm not sure!
18. Kelly said:
O.M.G. This is hilarious!!!
FOLLOW.
IMMEDIATELY.
19. Suniverse said:
You mean there are two of us?
20. Gleegarden said:
I forgot to mention...brilliant. Does this person have a blog?
21. Kristen said:
See, you really should be careful what you say! Poor Headless Reader.
22. Anonymous said:
Wow!
You don't need to be reminded that you have some very awesome readers, do you?
23. Azha said:
At least she has internet...right?
24. Kim said:
Wow. Just, brilliant.
However, I'd be careful, Heather, for when this headless beast starts twittering. And if she ever starts a blog, you'll have a direct place to send all of your former readers.
What fun!
25. Kara said:
I have no words. I'm laughing too hard.
Awesome. Truly fucking brilliantly awesome.
Oh and UNFOLLOW. Just because.
26. Yvonne said:
headless Germanic woman from the block....reminds me of JLo, Jenny From the Block. Seriously, that was the best laugh I have had in a long, long, time.
27. Stacey said:
amazing.
28. ElizabethZ said:
The fact that they are headless just ruins it for me. It is too contrived and forced. It is creative, I'll give it that at least.
29. Katie said:
i just shot water 3 feet out of my nose. that person deserves a freaking emmy or whatever they give people who write stuff like that. amazing! and heather, this is the best thing i have to do at work so keep it up!
30. Katya said:
That was amazing! someone who sums up the reaction to this whole maytag saga all to well! my sentiments exactly.
and my security word is "Harlot dressmakers". I am sure they would make a nice dress for you, you headless pioneer.
31. Lisa said:
Someone is giving you a run for your money. I wish they had a blog.
32. jennifer said:
BRAVO!
33. Jenny said:
Thank you Headless Reader for writing this, and thank you Heather for posting it. Beautiful.
34. samantha said:
that was amazing. thanks for sharing.
35. Anonymous said:
Holy shit they have wayyyyyy too much time on their hands .
36. Ashley said:
That was the most amazing email I have ever laid my eyes on!!! I nearly pissed my pants I was laughing so hard. Bravo Headless Anti-Vaccination Germanic Pioneer, BRAVO!
37. Jentine said:
I can only hope to one day become a "portly halfbreed banshee-bull terrier wife"
38. Sara said:
You should invite the Headless Reader to guest-blog!
39. Jen said:
I wonder if the squirrels that lead him/her to the promise land of Utard as read your post to him/her?
40. Mo said:
Dear Headless Reader,
I would feel sorry for you if you didn't still owe us $473.23 in back rent. Am I gonna hafta cut a bitch?
~Blubberface McButtshit Taintlicker, Esq.
41. Jean said:
I wish I was Number 26 just so I could get emails like this.
42. guilty noodles said:
The Headless Reader has got to be Mormon.
43. Becky said:
Hilarious
44. Tiffany said:
Um, wow. That was impressive. Unfotunately, since they felt the need to unfollow, they will never know that their masterpiece was published. I wonder how much time they spent on that?!
45. Stephanie said:
Unfunny! Unfollow!
No. Seriously though, that was more weird than humorous. Points for creativity and effort though.
46. Katya said:
Did you write it #35? that's a typical thing someone would say after they anonymously sent such an awesome e-mail.
47. Dar said:
holy.
48. Miz Booshay said:
Oh my gosh....
That is one funny unfollower.
49. Sheryl said:
Wake me up when the Maytag saga is over.....
51. kaitlynsage said:
Dear Headless Reader,
The tale of your trials and travails has moved me deeply. I think I may be in love with you. Please accept this proposal of marriage and a lifetime of headless love.
Always,
adventurekait
52. HDC said:
Wow. Graphic. And vocabulary expanding as well. What a twofer! That, I proclaim, was more informative and thought provoking than the sum total of all that has ever been published in Reader's Digest. Ever.
53. Stephanie Andrews said:
I didn't know Irvine Welsh was a follower... right on.
54. Anonymous said:
Dooce, You may have well just met your match. Game on.
55. Anonymous said:
I think I have found my new name when I go into witness protection:
"Blubberface McButtshit Taintlicker Esquire"
56. Khrystan Policarpio said:
... WOW. Was someone that bored? That's hilarious. XD
57. Amanda said:
Oh. My. God. That is awesome. My husband can't have read it yet and it it so good I am PRINTING IT OUT to take home to him tonight.
I was laughing and crying at my desk. Whoops. Good thing it's almost the end of the day anyway.
I love you, Headless Reader.
58. Jen on the Edge said:
Holy crap! Apparently Lemony Snicket reads this blog!
59. Brooke said:
Bravo Headless Reader. That was quite entertaining. I think you need to present yourself, in all of your headless glory. I don't believe all of that, though. I lived in Germany for two years, and you do not know your w's from your v's. I'm currently in Lithuania, and they are even worse (and their alphabet doesn't even have a W in it...). Anyway, it's still a wery avesome e-mail.
60. Amy said:
Eleventy billion kinds of awesome. Exclamation point! Why wouldn't you want a byline on that!?!?
61. Heather L said:
Wow - that is some crazy stuff! I am just curious - if she didn't have a head, then why did she pack her toothbrush?!
62. libby @ ninesandquines said:
um....your parents didn't tell you that you were separated at birth from your identical twin? seriously - she writes just like you do!!! f'ing hysterical!
63. Hayley said:
Two words: FUCKING AWESOME
64. Amy said:
Zere are no verds. Epic.
65. Sarah said:
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch,"
Love it. Thank you for sharing!
66. Jennifer said:
I think we need to respond to this with a new government program: "Homes for the Headless." We, as a society, are clearly not taking these poor people into consideration.
Hang in there, Headless!! May more golden showers of inspiration come your way!!
67. Regina said:
Ummmmm.....YEAH! What a fabulous crock of shit! I wonder how long this person was willing to pose as headless, cussing, Germanic outcast just to to try to put you in your place? hmmm...scary, but entertaining
68. Jessica said:
Golden shower of divine inspiration!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!
69. Cat said:
I am so pissed I didn't write this myself. Taintlickers!
70. Katie R said:
I just wanted to forward this to everyone I know that wont get offended and then send it to everyone who will! that was so great!!
71. Linda Atkins said:
Wow! That is a tour de force.
72. Katherine said:
There went my admittedly lame plan to e-mail you ("FOLLOW!") later this week.
Thank you, anonymous person! I have an arsenal of new, childish insults!
73. Katie said:
frighteningly, i think i may know the person who has a) the snark and b) the time to have written this
74. Cassidy said:
OHMYGOODNESS HOW FANTASTIC. I think I'm in love.
75. Tori said:
I have half a mind to contact your "headless reader" and rip them a new one for being such an UNBELIEVABLY HUGE (but very creative!) LIAR.
76. Jackie said:
Does that writing sound familiar to amyone else? Me thinks Dooce wrote this one. (It was brilliant of course.)
77. Lindsey said:
How does someone with out a head read your blog? This just leaves me with so much confusion! :)
That was freakin awesome though!!!
78. Lauren said:
THAT.WAS.AWESOME.
79. Tirzah said:
truly a masterpiece.
80. leesavee said:
Dear Headless Reader,
YOU ROCK!!! I want to buy you drinks that you can pour directly down your larynx, since you have NO HEAD!
UNFOLLOW, indeed!
Thank you, Heather, for sharing that. You (and Ichabod) have totally made my day!!! Anonymous person, please let yourself be known!
81. Z said:
Brilliant.
82. Anonymous said:
The Headless horseman must have used a language translator to translate that letter from stupid to english. It makes no sense. Laughed out loud, but makes no sense.
83. jess said:
OMG, the person who wrote that letter needs to step forward and bask in our applause. That is the best fan mail one can ever hope to receive!
84. kacy said:
what the hell?
85. Anonymous said:
Ok, so that email literally had in me in tears at work. Honestly, one of the funniest things I ever read.
86. Brittany said:
Pure fucking awesomeness!!! :) BRAVO headless wonder!! Bravo.
87. Stacy said:
Well Heather, I think it is time you step aside and become #27 ... because someone else clearly deserves to be NUMBER TWENTY SIX.
88. Jennifer M. said:
Whoever wrote that email deserves an award. That has to be the most creative email ever written. Bravo Headless German Woman From The Block!
89. Eleanor's Trousers said:
I envy the Headless Reader's writing and the time to spew forth this much genius. Maybe if I wasn't spending so much time reading about the love lives of teen celebrities and silly Republicans I could be a genius? Naaaaaaah. I'll just love the headless German from afar.
90. The Prima Momma said:
My parents went the same way. Tragic.
I'm glad our author finally learned to read, being headless and all. Continuity people! Continuity!
91. The Furry Godmother said:
Perhaps said Reader is a friend of Mike the Headless Chicken. He has his own festival. Google him up. I think Germanic Headless Reader stole the chicken's story.
92. Anonymous said:
Ha!
BTW, I am really aggravated that you keep ignoring me (and others)...who were the DAMN WII WINNERS????
93. Shelly said:
WOW.. Just WOW.. Is anyone else wondering how this was written by a person with no head? :) Do they have eyes somewhere else, then their headless head?
as i'm typing this at work..(shhh.. i'm working, kind of) Salt Lake City, UT pops up on the caller ID.. Oh No, I think headless person has found me...
94. danielle said:
Yes. Finally, proof that someone attended class the day that satire was taught. And not the someones who attended and thought that The Onion was a true news source (true story: a friend teaches Freshman Comp, and her students routinely think The Onion is true when she does her lesson on satire).
95. Barbara E. said:
Headless bitch could give you a run for your money, Dooce. Seriously funny stuff.
96. Brandy said:
Bravo headless reader! BRAV0FUCKING-O!
You have introduced me to the words I will surely ramble if I become a crazy cat lady in my old age.
For this I owe you my head.
97. Anonymous said:
Are you sure Jon didn't just email that to you? That is too brilliant. Worthy of an Emmy. A headless Emmy.
98. monique said:
Brilliant.
Favourite new word: McButtShit
99. jjinmia said:
This is why I read/lurk and leave the mail sorting up to #26. I don't think I would ever blog because I wouldn't want to have to actually recieve/read this kind of net abuse. I can get that at work and in person. It is a bit hysterical though...
100. Lily said:
do you see the creativity your saga has inspired? I find the whole story from beginning to this very end amazing.
I love telling my non-blogging friends the Maytag debacle.
Everytime I get to the part in the story about how you told the woman you have one million twitter followers, they react like, "Yes!"
You go girl!
101. Ariel said:
My life is now complete.
102. Chriss said:
That was one of the best emails I have ever read. The way they tied in your supposed offensives was awesome.
103. Rachel said:
Hilarious! FOLLOW!
104. Jen said:
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch." <- Best sentence ever.
Truth be told I am jealous of the headless reader's ability to produce something so magnificent. I mean I have a head and don't think I am capable of writing anything nearly as captivating.
Seriously, this really does win the award for the best email ever.
105. Jayne said:
That was brilliant!!
106. Laura June said:
Haha cute.
107. Katy said:
Poor No-Face McButt.
At least the library was willing to accomodate.
108. Meredith said:
OMG that was so psychotic. In a brilliant way. I need some time to process...
109. Calee said:
I'm running out the door to my graduate English class. I think we should discuss this email instead of Greek drama.
Awesome.
110. Courtney said:
Oh.My.Lord. This was hands down the best laugh I've had all day. I wish I'd get these kinds of anonymous e-mails.
111. Simply Devilish said:
Either this person loves Dooce in the serial killer stalker hang on every word- want to wear your skin for a hat kind of person.
Or
Dooce wrote it.....
Disturbing !
112. Labradoris said:
Why don't you go find Ichabod...
Ah ha. Ah ha. Ahhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
This is proof that your inbox may, indeed, contain the secrets of the universe.
113. jen said:
fucking AWESOME!!!!!
114. nikki from across the pond said:
I'm crying laughing. Thank you!
115. Tarraguña said:
That Anonymous guy/gal always writes some really good stuff. A very prolific writer and composer. Thanks for posting the email Dooce.
116. Jaynee said:
ART, I tell you... ART!!!
If this person does not have their own blog, the world is the worse for it.
Loved it!
117. Nicole said:
SNAKES OF DESPAIR! SPIDERS OF WRATH!
okay, back to reality. Sounds like a Tim Burton & Tarantino flick waiting to happen . . .
118. angela said:
Oh wow. Freaking hilarious!
119. Cassie said:
She had me until "my head was shot off at the age of eleven by a seven-year-old crack dealer with an AK-47". Then my eyebrows sought refuge in my hairline.
120. Sabrina said:
ha ha ha ha ha!! Oh my gawd, that was FNTASTIC!!
121. karissa said:
holy moly!
is that your ex-girlfriend? you knew she was going to find you somehow! =)
122. Anna said:
Hilarious! People have too much time on their hands! They take themselves and you too serioulsy!
123. Markus said:
Now that's a blog I'd follow slaveishly.
124. beyond said:
wow. it would takes me hours to put something as glorious as this together. i feel tired just thinking about it. wow.
125. Renee said:
Oh that was freaking BRILLIANT!!!
126. LynzM said:
Laughed my ass off over here. Brilliant!
127. JennC said:
I am begging you: please choose one of #5's favs as next months masthead. PLEASE.
128. liane said:
oh my fucking god in heaven i wish i wrote that. that took some serious time and imagination. and all without a goddamn head. priceless. thanks for posting. and please, headless whore, make yourself known. we will accept you.
129. Kellie said:
I literally had a Joygasm when I read that.
I take my sarcasm hat off to your Headless Germanic Ex-Reader.
Bravo!
130. Nicole said:
you know what's funnier than that email?!?
the people leaving comments that think it's serious!!
131. Leslie said:
Wow, I definately call bullshit but to think this person had so much time...or maybe this email was in the works already, this person just needed someone to send it to.
Thank you for sharing it was pure entertainment and laugh out loud funny.
Love ya Dooce
P.S. I love the header for September too.
132. Lara said:
Follow indeed! Absolutely perfect.
133. Andrea said:
EXCELLENT.
134. Angela said:
Brilliant!
135. Jessica said:
That is the most fabulous thing I have ever read. The "golden shower of divine intervention" is particularly wonderful.
136. Jenn said:
This is so beyond awesome.
137. Tanya said:
This email is fucking genius, my bitch.
Can we help Headless Reader have a blog of her own? Or at least let her run a country? FOLLOW.
138. William said:
The headless reader wirtes like The notorious Black Hockey Jesus.
thebhj.com
139. cc said:
Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful!!
140. Amy said:
One funny slag!
141. Kim said:
That was...AWESOME! I'm so glad you shared it with us.
142. Anonymous said:
Sie sind ein Lügner. Sie haben dies geschrieben! Es ist zu raffiniert.
143. jessica said:
I totally think that "a golden shower of divine inspiration" should be next month's masthead.
Awesome.
144. Caitlin said:
I LOVE THIS PERSON. So much.
145. Mandy/Mommy Cracked said:
Definitely a work of art...the kind that you know has that certain "something" but you just can't put your finger on it.
146. Cristina said:
Um, seriously? How can can your Headless Reader read your web site if they are in fact headless?
147. Taylee said:
What the fuck was that???!
.....
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch," I said. (This sentence alone confirmed that September is going to be an amazing month.)
....I'm still rather shocked with disbelief that someone wrote this. I really need you to print it out and frame it. Or at least let it be the opening chapter for you next book.
Also, how the fuck did she read your blog or type this email if she has no head? Did I miss that part. I'll go back and read it again.
148. Beckie said:
That is truly a work of creative genius and a pretty damn Sneaky Pete way of getting it published.
Brilliant!
149. Kit said:
Wow.
Simply put.... double wow.
The lengths people go to.
Well- it's too bad the Germanic headless anti-vaccination pioneer didn't have TWITTER back in the day. Maybe World War II would have turned out differently! Maybe even us 'AMERICAN'S' perspective on those 'Germans' would be too!
I wonder if the headless person uses brail??? Quite the talent to not be able to read a LDS pamphlet but can read the internet and send such an eloquent email to you despite that fact. hmmmm.
150. Anne said:
That email fills me with wonderment and makes me realize how cushy my life really is.
Thanks for sharing. That email is so full of win. :)
151. C. said:
I thought she couldn't read because she didnt have a head, if you recall.
152. Grizzly Kitteh said:
This is an epic conclusion to the Maytag saga.
153. Kendra said:
That was truly brilliant! I hope "Headless Reader" has some sort of future in publishing, because that was more thought out, creative, and funny than most of the things I read in a month!
154. Kristin C. said:
WOW. the crazies (real or fake) really come out of the woodwork in honor of you.
155. Margarita said:
OMG that deserves a creative writer sticker.
156. bani said:
Im with #143. This was fantastic. One big roflcopter!
Incidentally the spam filter below is asking me to type in "Bravo lewdness". Coincidence? I think not.
157. Andrea Z said:
I can't believe she is not a he. And she's anti-vaccine after all that she's been thru!
My favorite lines:
listening to he and his portly halfbreed banshee-bull terrier wife rail against each other like two krumpers in a street circle.
it's hard to find motivation to find a suitable place to shit when you don't have enough blood to raise your hand and slap a coyote away.
Headless Reader, we need a blog!
158. Sarah said:
Way to bring some perspective to the situation! And good thing she taught those squirrels to read because how ever would she have found you to bestow this little gem on you if not?
Hope your house is a little less poop filled this week.
159. Carrie said:
LOL!! Is it me or is that email chock-full of future mastheads?
160. Jennifer said:
Moan, moan, moan...man you get some pissy letters!
That was awesome--really.
161. Anu said:
Maybe the headless reader is actually Jon playing a prank on you :-)
162. Camilla said:
LOL
163. Erica Hennings said:
That is TALENT! If I were the creator of such a wonderful, it would not have been anonymous. I would totally claim that shit! Thanks for a much needed laugh "Headless". Heather, thanks for posting this and being able to laugh at a situation that was totally blow out of proportion by the haters.
Much Love from Memphis,
Erica
164. michelle said:
kind of tom robbins-ish. brilliant...
who are you? i want to read more...perhaps a series is in order...
165. Adriane said:
This reads like a Chuck Palahniuk novel. It's sick and brilliant. Bless this person for not being a douchebag. You should meet her for coffee.
166. Joy whitcomb said:
Ow, my brain.
167. Anonymous said:
Ah. Mazing.
A work of pure, freaking genius.
Thanks for the laugh!
168. Michelle said:
From now on, I intend to address everyone as "my bitch." Hilarious!!
169. hotpants™ said:
Brilliant.
Your washing machine doesn't seem so effing important now, does it. (I love how she says effing here even though the entire rant is riddled with curse words.)
170. Andi said:
Funsies!
171. Maura said:
THAT is a fucking masterpiece! I'm really glad you shared it with us all.
Btw, #168, you made me laugh, too.
172. birthingway said:
Brilliant! Who was that masked woman? Enquiring minds want to know.
173. Karla said:
Epic, Amazing. Haunting. I'm not laughing. I'm a changed woman.
174. linuxchik said:
that was way weird and good. and weird.
175. Taylor said:
I'm seriously going to start saying that.
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch"
176. Allie said:
ps. WE ALL DIE.
177. Christine said:
AWESOME.
TFS
178. ashley d said:
i'm just sittin here, jaw dropped.
179. emsxiety said:
Headless Anti-Vaccination Germanic Pioneer, AMEN! That was awesome.
PS. Brought the toothbrush cause it doubled as a shiv.
180. Anonymous said:
Whoever that writer is seriously needs to step up and take credit. I laughed so hard I'm pretty sure I peed a little.
181. cris said:
That's... incredibly disturbing and hilarious. Where's your answer? ;)
(also, my captcha was "gaelic chapels"... make of it what you will :p )
182. Dumblond said:
Print it. Frame it. Cherish it.
"I'm a believer, my bitch!"
Words we can all live by...
183. Greta said:
HOLY CRAP.
Funny.
184. Alicia said:
WOW - that's the funniest/saddest/scariest thing I've read in forever - it takes talent to come up with a scenario like that!
185. Eve said:
I THINK MY COUSIN WROTE THAT AND SHE IS SUCH A LIAR!!! She absolutely does pronounce v's as w's and wice wersa.
186. Ashley said:
Your links are green!
Oh yeah, and the email's hilarious too :)
187. gina said:
So sad that they won't get to see that you posted it on the blog because of the unfollow. Wait - how were they reading the blog anyway ... sans head and all. What faith and determination must dwell in a headless person who finds a way to the library and then finds another willing soul to read a blog to them. Oh the happiness in my heart that such charity exist in this world.
188. Pippa said:
Wonder how many of the phrases I can get in the next time I have VT's or HT's round my house...
189. linuxchik said:
dear Headless - a fellow countryman that may be more sympathetic of your plight:
http://sports.gay.com/2008/08/caption-this-he.html
190. Ginger said:
Oh my holy effing god. My entire office now thinks I am a lunatic; I have laughed so hard that sparkling clementine izze cola nearly sprouted from my nose.
Thank you, Heather, and thank you anonymous emailer. That is a spray of golden light from my brain to my anus, indeed.
191. DesignGirl said:
Ahhhh ... a bolt of lightning just shot up my anus whilst I read this! Coincidence? I think not.
Truly awesome!
192. Desiree Fawn said:
Omg. That's freakin hilarious.
I can only hope that someone (who was both bored and INSANE!) wrote this in hopes that you would post it :)
Either way -- OMG LAUGHS ^_^
(ps. give marlo a snuggle on my behalf!)
193. Tamara said:
There are no words. The Headless Germanic Pioneer took them ALL.
194. Meghan said:
Huh. I think I met that person when I worked at the library. Nice enough, but always made the printer jam for some reason.
195. charlotte said:
Glad to hear again from my best friend's Putzfrau's second cousin thrice removed. I missed her--haven't been able to pick her face out of the crowd forever.
Love it!
196. Susan Berlien said:
The HEadless creature is a bit long winded, I must say,...but he/she has a point. (a few). Thanks for posting this. I always enjoy your posts. I'm reading "It sucked and then I cried" right now. Entertaining :)
197. Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said:
I think I may have possibly snort-gasmed while reading this, I laughed that hard. Ow!
Headless Reader may be headless, but is most certainly made of awesome.
198. maggie said:
too boring to even read
waste of a post
199. thewalrus said:
merkley???
200. zchamu said:
Someone sign that headless whore to a book deal. Immediately.
201. Talia said:
THIS. IS. FUCKING. EPIC. Bahaha i dont think ive laughed so hard in a year! headless? how can they see your blog? or hear people calling them vaginas??
202. Tracye said:
I am deeply offended by your having opinions and complaining...
LOL
I'm sorry, I couldn't read past the second paragraph because I realized that ONE dude thinks he's auditioning for some literary agent and TWO HE OR SHE IS CRAZY like a mutha.
It hurt my head so I had to stop. I just want you to know that I love Chuck and we need more Chuck pictures. I understand Marlo is ruling the roost as well she should be but where in the world is Coco?
Chuck and Coco FTW :)
203. Katie said:
OK, I've checked in with the site almost daily for a year now. Finally, I just have to comment. That was a blast to read! There's nothing quite so satisfying as a good rant about a headless Germanic whore with many, many bad words. Before this, my favorite thing was the quote from Team America which still makes me giggle uncontrollably, "Jesus, Titty, Motherfucking Christ!"
(I can't get hate mail from your readers, can I?)
P.S. I've told the "bullying Maytag" story several times, and all of the members of the Mommy Mafia around here are proud of you!
204. Michelle B. said:
This can’t be true! I work close to the library so I’ll look for the headless reader to congratulate her in person. Briliant!!
205. Liz said:
Priceless!
206. Jenae said:
OH MY GOODNESS! I bet you fell over when you read this. ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. I love how dedicated this headless woman was to your blog, making all those trips to the library just for you. And you probably wondered what felt better than being #26.
207. Rebecca said:
Ok then....... I'm not too sure what to think about that one!
208. Sally said:
What's really freakin hilarious are the commenters who think it was real!
209. Holly Reed said:
Priceless - best "hate mail" of all time.
210. Melissa said:
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch,"
CLASSIC.
you have the greatest un-followers ever.
211. April said:
is this for real?!
212. thedoggymommy said:
OMG!
213. Christy said:
Absolutely the best email ever, in all the world. Holy crap. I started to look for a favorite phrase to quote, but the whole thing is my favorite. I did like "I was shot several more times (apparently this was many strangers' first response to my alarming appearance)", but really, the entire thing is GENIUS and the author needs to write a screenplay, or something.
214. JDawger said:
That was effing awesome, even better when the commenters make it even funnier!!
215. Anonymous said:
Wow, someone has TOO much time on their hands! But they are a talented writer, to say the least.
216. Carli said:
That poor woman!
217. Anonymous said:
The comments on this post just prove how much of a communication gap exists, especially on the internet. So many perspectives.
I think it's hilariously awesome.
218. Alisha said:
I know you're #26 and all so I thought someone should remind you to not allow this cRaZy germanic headless anti-vaccination pioneer throw you over the edge.
Keep your feet on the ground Armstrong!
I'm sure it would be easy to let your ego run wild after someone who has been through all that goes to such great lengths to read YOUR blog. :)
219. Lydia said:
This is what happens when you get high on paint thinner. Geeze. I'd like to meet her, though. No head and all...
220. Laura said:
This just doesn't make any sense. If this individual couldn't read the LDS pamphlets, how is she able to read your blog at the library?
I mean, someone spoke the pamphlets TO her, but how could she hear without ears?
I think this story is made up.
221. Anonymous said:
I can't decide whether I want to hug the writer or punch him in the face. Wait - he doesn't have a head. I guess I'll hug him!
LOVED IT!Hmmm..wonder if he has a blog too........
222. Nikki said:
I have got to friend more Germans!!
Dear Gawd...that was glorious!!!
223. Debbie said:
This is hilarious! I'm a fucking believer, my bitch! As a former mormon, I of course find the pioneer part of the headless wanderer's journey the most hilarious. Lightning to the anus! Wooo!
224. Whitney said:
Word.
Ya know, writing like that just can't be taught. ; )
225. Jessica said:
Wow. That was... amazing. The skill. The depth. To take all of the offenses possible and make them one. I'm just... that was awe-inspiring.
226. Vicki A said:
LOL! That was freakin awesome!!!!
Love your site and will never be an "ex-reader". :)
227. Nicole H said:
It's times like these I like to bang out one of my favorite, severe forms of LOL. I present you with SMOMN, or longly, Snorting Milk Out My Nose.
I salute the Headless Reader!
228. Kali said:
We must have more of this. Immediately.
229. Sara said:
I can't breathe. OMG. That is probably the best thing I've ever read.
230. Jennifer PM said:
I had to hold my big preggo belly because it hurt from laughing so hard.... Brilliant.
231. AMB said:
@91-- Maybe you didn't get the part in Heather/Dooce's previous post where she keeps saying "oops, now I've offended 'x' group." The person that wrote this e-mail put all of those groups together and viola! Headless Germanic Anti-Vaccination Pioneer Woman. I think she should have also been a member of PETA, you know, because of the part about throwing darts at squirrels.
BTW, someone way in the 2,000's of the Maytag Gate post posted a comment similar to this, perhaps this is the Headless e-mail sender?
232. Tam said:
That deserves a "slow clap"!
233. andria said:
Awww, I think poor Headless Whorevoman is just misunderstood.
234. Visible Voice said:
That cannot be for real????
I agree with Tam above me...
Totally deserves a "slow clap"
Clap..........clap.......clap...clap..clap.clap.clapclapclap etc.
235. BarnMaven said:
Aptly titled. Without a doubt, it is such. Would love to know who had the creativity to pen such a zaftig concoction of an email. I stand in awe. Well, I sit in awe, since I'm not actually standing at the moment. But you get my drift.
236. Clair said:
Please tell me that writer has a blog.
237. Nancy said:
Now see what you've done -- you've made me look up "baculum," and I swear I'll never forget what that word means. Many, many kudos to you for persisting and finding someone who could fix your washing machine. And many more kudos for helping out someone who really needed it when you couldn't use the machine Bosch donated.
Oh, and lest I forget, you are a brilliant writer. Two funniest posts ever!
238. Lydia said:
Hmmm I dunno. I didn't think it was THAT funny. It was okay. Oh well, laugh on my bitches.
239. Sara said:
From here on out, I am calling everyone I know "my bitch". Not "bitch", but "MY bitch". Because that is the awesomest thing ever.
Starting with my husband. I'm sure he will love it.
240. Ferris said:
That is epic. I could not even come close the the genius of that. Never, ever ever!
WIN!
241. Ariel said:
She's ALMOST as awesome as Nancy W Kappes, paralegal. Almost.
http://thebloggess.com/?p=3036
242. Koobs said:
I could be wrong but this sounds alot like Fireland, who guest blogged awhile back. I've been following him on twitter ever since.
243. Julie said:
WTF???
244. Patti said:
I'M IN LOVE.
245. the BLAH BLAH BLAHger said:
OH.MY.GAWD. Priceless.
246. Kasandria Reasoner said:
Wow. Disturbing yet insightful and probably mentally unstable. It's amazing the replies get sometime eh?
Kasandria
247. JennyM said:
That was fucking beautiful, my bitch.
248. Anonymous said:
If that's not Sarah Brown, I'll eat my head.
249. Jennifer said:
This should be a short play.
250. JMB said:
This is amazing. I was getting odd looks giggling throughout reading this. :)
251. Crystal said:
Intense
252. Rebekah said:
BEST. EMAIL. EVER. Oh my goodness, I can't stop laughing! Please, anonymous email writer, please reveal that you are a fellow blogger or twitterer so we can enjoy your brilliance more often. Thanks so much for posting this Heather! Truly awesome.
253. AnDI said:
After I figured out what the hell a shiv is (Back in the day we called 'em shanks) then it became a veritable buttload of fun to read. As did the comments. So far that's the best part of my day, which is a little sad. But now I'm gonna read it again.
254. JLC said:
Holy Jesus. My cheeks hurt from laughing. Heather, you may have some competition...
255. Seattle Heather said:
I almost felt sorry for it...I mean her. But really with all the plastic surgery shows on tv; you could have your own reality tv show and get a new face. Then you wouldn't have to live in a sewer.
Now I have to go read the Washing Machine post now....
256. Kellye said:
I'm a fucking believer, my bitch.
Possibly the best line ever written in the history of the world. Hilarious!
257. Mrs. Sitcom said:
OH MY GOD. Ohmygod. OH. MY. GOD. Fracking HILARIOUS. I laughed so hard have tears running down my cheeks. It's like you sent yourself a letter. AWESOME. More please. :)
258. J. Bo said:
If he hadn't recently died, I would be CERTAIN this came from the fine pen of John Updike...
259. Issa said:
Not sure which is better, the post or your new masthead. Epic Vitriolic Screed? Love them both.
260. Kristina said:
I had to look up bacula. SO I LEARNED SOMETHING BY READING DOOCE! UNFOLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
261. Sheryl. said:
I always love reading your blog.
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch".
Now, that's just lovely.
262. dooce said:
242. Koobs I asked Josh from Fireland if this was his work and he assures me it is not, which means there is one more of him walking around out there and HOW SCARY IS THAT?
263. pip said:
This should go in the EPIC WIN file of www.emailsfromcrazypeople.com
yeah there is an actual website.
264. Nikki said:
SWEET JESUS - that is one of the funniest things I've ever read.
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch." AMEN!
265. Bush Babe said:
You seriously get emails like this?
Good Lord... someone has spent a LOT of effort on the UNFOLLOW!! Too funny... tickled this Aussie anyway! I had the best (worst?) mental image of this 'woman' the whole post... I may have nightmares tonight!!
:-)
BB
266. Katie said:
John?
You get far more interesting email than I do.
267. Jill said:
* Yawn *
Overcompensating drivel--much like this entire blog actually.
268. Missives From Suburbia said:
Oh, please... dear, brilliant headless woman, come forward so that we may read your blog (everyone has a blog, right?)
269. Momma said:
THIS is a scream! My hubby and I laughed our asses off while I read it out loud to him. Thanks for sharing.
270. Courtney said:
Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! AWESOME.
271. Jessica said:
Holy Mother of God - that is effin' hilarious!
272. erinhazel said:
oh hai dooce. i'm in ur website readin' all ur commentz. thx fr posting that email. kbai.
273. Megan Smith said:
This. Is. Hilarious.
And thorough.
Kudos, bitch!
274. Christine said:
And now, I am a fucking believer, my bitch!
That was AWESOME! Thank you for sharing that Heather! I always enjoy reading your blog and that was like the cherry on top of the already yummy sundae!
I am also going to refer to everyone I know as "my bitch" just as Sara said and like her, I will start with my husband! Ha!
Please, please let us know if you do ever find out who wrote this and whether or not they have a blog because I'd love to read more!
275. Kath said:
I wonder if we'll ever know who this is ....
276. Lisa said:
Enter: arch-nemesis.
277. Laura said:
That was the weirdest, twisted, most amazing piece of modern day literature I have ever read. :)
278. Anonymous said:
Sounds like The Palinode to me. Why do some of you think Dooce wrote this? Last I checked, she does not have a monopoly on humourous writing, and it's light years away from her style. Matchless, if you ask me.
279. Brook said:
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch."
FOLLOW, Indeed.
280. Chanele said:
Best. Thing. Ever. My favorite lines: "Why don't you go find Ichabod and fuck him with a pumpkin" and "I'm a fucking believer, my bitch". I'll be sure to use those on a daily basis from now on. Thanks Anonymous!
281. Ariel said:
Fucking brilliant!
282. Janet said:
I am impressed with this person's command of squirrels!
283. Anne said:
:::one person slowly clapping which turns into a stadium standing ovation:::
284. Sandra said:
And this is why god created the internets: as a forum for the love-child of Charles Bukowski.
285. armchairdesign said:
I am so glad you taught Chuck to write. He has a bright future, indeed.
286. MissCaron said:
Holy shit that's brilliant! Love love love it.
287. Julia said:
Encore! Encore!
I want more!! More Headless Reader!!!
288. S'A said:
"I'm a fucking believer, my bitch" should be a t-shirt!
289. Barb said:
Oh, Headless Reader, for you I'd UNFOLLOW anything!
290. Jasie VanGesen said:
Give that chick a weekly feature, yo.
291. liz said:
oooooh, this is entirely epic. It is heartwrenching and makes me want to start a non-profit organization that helps provide washing machines to homeless people that lack heads.
292. Sara said:
I can't believe you would post something so vitriolic where CHILDREN could read it.
UNFOLLOW.
293. EmilyF said:
Wow. A masterpiece.
294. ma2one said:
Headless deserves a job, she could be your guest writer.
295. Sylvia said:
I want to thank you for documenting your dealings with Maytag. I don't have a Maytag in my life, but I have the phone company, satellite company, etc., etc., where I've been blown off by some 19-year-old telephone answerer. Possibly the next time I can't get satisfaction, the said company representative might pause to think . . . "Maybe she has a million followers on Twitter". Well done!
296. gina said:
Now you've got to prepare yourself for the thousands of other wannabes who will try to write similar WTF-ish-ness. Your inbox is gonna get flooded. But this email, this one is simply stunning.
297. jeporter said:
With your history of sewage problems, I'd be very afraid of this Headless scribe.
298. Mia said:
Brilliant!! If only more people would laugh instead of flare up and take offense...
299. CJ said:
How can she read your blog if she's headless?
300. Peep said:
Please tell me that "Headless Reader" has his/her own blog. I could use a read like this every morning just to get me fired up before facing my cubicle hell.
301. Tiffany said:
This might be the most brilliant thing I have ever read. I'm quivering with joy. Indeed... if the Headless Reader has a blog or a Twitter account where their brilliance is regularly on display, I would love to read it. :)
302. Theresa said:
Children are reading this? Shouldn't PARENTS be monitoring what their children look at on the internet and watch on TV? My daughter is only 3 weeks old and I am already monitoring what she looks at on the internet.