One foot in front of the other
So yesterday. Wow, I can't even... just... the series of events that unfolded and where everything ended up, it all sort of falls within the boundaries of things I won't write about, yes those boundaries do exist. Jon referred to it as the third most surreal day of 2009, and I can't figure out the two days ahead of it on that list. A couple of weeks ago I said, hey everyone, next week? Next week we're going to take it easy around here, okay? And then I got SHINGLES! And I was all, okay, it can't get worse than that. Yesterday it got SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT.
Anyway, on to the other side of those boundaries, shall we?
So it's day eight of Mom's Got SHINGLES! and so far Marlo shows no signs of developing chicken pox. Of course, now that I've written that sentence and put it out into the universe she's going to wake up tomorrow morning with a connect-the-dot smattering of bumps on her face, and for kicks Coco will have regurgitated her own poop in the middle of our bed. Or Coco could just be sitting there existing, the difference is negligible.
Honestly, Coco is probably at the top of the list of Things That Stress Me Out, whereas living with a newborn is so far down that you'd have to turn the page to find it. Last summer we hired a fantastic trainer who came in and showed us some techniques to calm down the crazy in that dog, but then the pregnancy happened, and all this other stuff, and now we're back to having our neighbors secretly submitting our names to be a case study on "The Dog Whisperer." Let's just put it this way: everyone who lives on our street knows the exact moment someone rings our doorbell.
The new policy with family and friends is everyone must call or text us before approaching the door so that I can stabilize the house for Coco's reaction. And it's not an aggressive one, no, it's CRACKED OUT OH MY GOD I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AGAIN AND LOOK YOU'RE HERE, WHAT'S IT BEEN? A WHOLE DAY? High-pitched pig squealing and jumping three feet into the air. And the house moves a couple of inches to the left every time.
So I'm guessing that if they could scientifically trace the origin of my SHINGLES! the line would go directly back to that dog, but no. Not on your life, I'm not giving up on her. I know the kind of work that needs to be done, and we are going to do it, it's just there are some loose ends here and there (see first paragraph) that need some tightening before we can all get into the brain space to address her problems. One thing that needs to happen, of course, is I've got to get over this case of SHINGLES! And that's not going to happen if I keep doing google image searches, if ever there were an argument to be made against the existence of the Internet, HELLO IMAGE I CANNOT GET OUT OF MY BRAIN.
Also, people keep sending me horror stories, like someone's grandfather had SHINGLES! on his face for seventeen years, and someone else had a case of SHINGLES! that ate the family cat. The absolute best thing sent to me concerning my SHINGLES!, however, was this suggestion from Julie at A Little Pregnant:
How could I not film myself doing exactly that? Is that not the most brilliant idea you've ever heard? Because one, it would make the pain a little more bearable, and two, in light of the recent accusations that I'm a total loon, A LOONEY LOON LOONBALL! I thought, you know what? I'll show you a loonball! Let the train wreck continue!
Internet, this is for those of us in the throes of this crappy, itchy, at times paralyzing condition:
(Strong warning, however, if you are prone to seizures or have small children sitting nearby, you might want to close your browser and go hug a bunny.)
Music is µ-ziq Autumn Acid
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Sara said:
Hilarious! This oughta keep 'em talking...
2. Anonymous said:
Very funny
3. Darcy said:
That just made my workday slightly more bearable. Still better than SHINGLES! I'm sure.
4. Zarabeth said:
love!
5. Sandi Benson said:
You just made my fucktastic week a whole lot better! THANK YOU!
Seriously, you have no idea. I laughed my ass off for the first time in days.
6. Caitlin said:
Um, I just had to watch that on silent, while at work, and I'm sort of guessing it was even more disturbing in silence than it will be with sound.
7. Beanie said:
I'm actually frightened.
8. Brandi said:
Holy crap, one scary ass video. I don't have a bunny, but I might go hug a puppy.
9. leigh bee said:
Did you film this in front of your house? (I see garage door?) Awesome! I'm just saying, JAZZ HANDS!
10. Yolanda said:
Heather -
Good morning. Love the video. I hope that you fell better soon, like today.
11. Claire said:
Shingles suck rocks, but if it had to happen to someone.... ;-P
12. Karen said:
Heather, I have to cry foul on this one. Those weren't Jazz Hands. Those were Spirit Fingers. What would Kirsten Dunst say?
13. Rhonda said:
I like the coloring in the video....makes you look crazy! Wait....you are crazy..haha!
BTW...love the hate tab! Great read with my morning coffee. Some people are really ****ed up!
14. Susan said:
You look how I feel most mornings when I get up...
15. Kim H. said:
That was hysterical! Sending you some Salt Lake City love and peace for this beautiful fall day!
16. Jennifer Major said:
This is hilarious and has to make you feel better!
17. libby said:
If it weren't for the catchy tune, that video would be the stuff of nightmares!
Excellent!
18. Loz said:
I pray to god I never get SHINGLES
19. Anonymous said:
OMG! That was fucking hilarious! I now know what my husband sees when he says he sees the crazy crawl out of my face and threaten the world! I just love your blog.
20. natalie said:
that's basically EXACTLY how i felt getting appendicitis a week before i was set to board a plane for a week of trekking in peru.
hope you get better soon!!!
21. Kate said:
Scary, yet fabulously artsy in a comic sort of way. But why would you hint at awfulness in your first paragraph and then not share? If it's that personal, don't mention it and get your readership all riled up...
22. Kristy said:
hilarious! the video is super creepy though.
23. labyrinthos said:
BWAHAHAHAHA. That is so scary. Awesomely, awesomely scary.
24. Angie said:
Dude, when you said it all SORT OF falls within the boundaries of things you won't write about I thought that meant you were going to write about it. Nice distraction with the creepy-ass video though!
25. KeriG said:
SNORT!
26. Christine said:
Whoa. That was something else. I do hope things normalize soon. :D
27. Andrea said:
Heather B. Armstrong, I love you. Haha. This totally perked up my already-shitty Tuesday.
28. Emily said:
As someone who once directed a play and made her cast do "A to Z jazz hands" to warm up, I really appreciate that. Thanks for adding some much-needed humor to a seriously craptastic day.
29. Erica said:
I have never commented on your blog, but I am a regular reader. When I first started reading it - I read all 500 pages of archives in a span of about a week. But I have to comment on this today...this is just to say - that is the most hilarious & most scary thing I have seen in a very long time. Hope you get better soon!
30. deb m said:
ok, THAT is better than the Headless German Polio. i just can't wait to get into work tonight so i can SINGLES! (now with 90% more Jazz Hands!) at everyone.
31. Erica said:
I just pissed myself at "SHINGLES!"
AWESOME!!!
32. Debbie said:
Haaaa! Woman, you are brave.
I hope that all will be okay in your world, that your granny is okay, and that you get the help you need for that crazy dog soon! My husband and I have a cat that we LOVE (most annoying thing she does is sleep on my printer/dig at my keyboard when I type) and have been thinking about a dog, but I rethink it everytime you tell a story about Coco!
PS: Seems like half the world is being all bitchy at you lately, and I think that sucks. You're not perfect but I think you're great, thanks for pressing forward and doing what you do, I really appreciate it. PPS: You deserve to keep every dime that you get from monetizing the hate. Tell marymac to stop counting other people's money!
33. Kyrrah said:
My first comment in 3 years of reading Dooce to say I am so scared :-( That was terrifying, have you considered going into making horror films? The way the mouth opened like in Saw :-( Please get better from SHINGLES!
34. Anonymous said:
Hahaha. I love this, it's so essential to have a sense of humor through everything. I hope your SHINGLES go away soon!
35. Gretchen said:
and if the neighbors didn't think you were crazy before...
Neighbor 1: Did you see that Mrs. Armstrong yesterday?
Neighbor 2: OMG I did! WTF is going on over at that house?
36. Adam-Throwing Quarters said:
We need and old priest and a young priest
37. Layne said:
Oh my, that was totally worth choking on my coffee for.
38. Megan said:
Hilarious! Looks like you had some spirit fingers going too!
39. Tess said:
Had shingles 2 months ago. Saw doctor yesterday as I'm still having twinges of the pain ~~ kinda like ghost pain..... IT HAS A #%@&ING NAME!
40. Irreverent Mommy said:
Um, when will I be able to download this as a ringtone?
41. The Prima Momma said:
Heather - love the video. Technically those are spirit fingers. True SHINGLES! jazz hands involve more wrist action. Let's go again - take it from the top!
42. Pinkie Bling said:
Best. Dooce Video. EVER!!!
43. Kaela said:
Hahaha. I love this, it's definitely something I would do (as I proved when I referred to my mysteriously swollen lymph node as "my goiter" for weeks). It's so important to keep your sense of humor, and try not to listen to the horror stories. I hope your SHINGLES! go away soon.
44. Cathy said:
Awesome.
45. dubiousMa said:
That was truly frightening ........ and fascinating, kind of like the mating rituals of East Samoan salamanders
46. junewell said:
That was frightening!
Kudos on monetizing the hate--such a brilliant idea, like using animal dung for fertilizer.
47. Allie said:
Wish I knew about the jazz hands when I had SHINGLES!. It definitely would have made the pain more bearable.
48. Christie said:
ahahaha! Awesome and Creepy. My favourite combination.
@cshift3
49. Shelly North said:
OMG! Hands down, (up?) best thing ever!! I have such a huge girl crush on you right now!
50. Jenn said:
Crazy dog stories always make me appreciate my lazy ass dog even more. I always thought I wanted a border collier until friends of ours got a border collie and it's the most insane dog I've ever seen. Even all the trainers that they've worked with have said "um, yeah...we can't really do anything else with him." At least Coco is crazy but trainable! And maybe I will cross Australian Shepherd off my list of dog breeds to consider someday.
51. Rose said:
Now that's funny!
52. d3 voiceworks said:
oh.my.scary.
master of the obvious here--you probably know shingles can be caused by great stress. (hope that comment doesn't land me on the hate page.)
#20 natalie--i found out i was preggo a month before i was to leave for peru, after getting shots for the trip. what a pain in the ass to prove i wasn't hep b positive during the 'nancy.
53. shriek house said:
Have you talked to David Lynch? Cause, uh, he might want to option that. Or something.
54. Beth (in NC) said:
I seriously, seriously love how psychotic you look in this video. Love.
55. Karen said:
Now I know what to be for Halloween :)
56. mandy said:
Please say you're submitting this to Cannes.
57. daniela said:
wow, that is the most fawesomest thing I have seen in a while :D
I want to run around the house now screaming shingles and doing jazz hands....
hmmm, I just might do that, and wait for a reaction from my 8 month old.... :D
58. Sherryl said:
If the SHINGLES! last till Halloween (and let's hope they do NOT), you need to incorporate that video into some sort of wicked witch routine. That was great!!!
59. northerngurl said:
Hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.
60. Dani said:
An artist. Truly.
I sincerly hope your case of SHINGLES! gets better soon! Here's a not crazy story. My aunt had SHINGLES! it sucked and she survived just fine. Maybe that will help balance out all the insane stories people feel the need to send you.
61. Amy said:
That. Was. Awesome! Glad I took head about the children though and for the record, I DID just hug our little black bunny named Misty. But only because she was watching too and needed the hug afterwards.
62. Eastland said:
hahahahahha I loved the video Heather. Highlight of my morning.
63. nicole said:
that was just plain scary. expertly put to music (good job jon!). wow. that was . . . .
huh.
64. Holly said:
Oh my. This is the funniest thing I've seen today. I laughed loudly and am just sad I work at home alone and can't share it with someone right now ;-)
65. Rebeca said:
OMFG that was frikkin hilarious and quite creepy at the same time. LOVED IT! lol
66. Linus' Blue Blanket said:
This video will definitely haunt the broken dreams and emptied bank account of the obese law student, art docent, radio star and "manager" Michele Yoakum Rebeiro McBee.
You made my week. Thanks.
.
67. Keri said:
hahahaha wtf! Dooce, you so crazy :) Jazz hands make pretty much everything better.
68. Liz said:
You and Julie make a great team!
69. elizabeth said:
Oh dooce/Heather/SHINGLES... that was totally the laugh I needed. I'm pretty sure a little tear drop came out from cracking up so hard. xoxo
70. JessiCat said:
that! that right there! that is priceless. i had to watch it with no sound at work, but you can bet i'll watch it at home with the volume turned up. meanwhile my co-workers are looking at me like i'm nuts because i just laughed so hard i snorted. good times. :) hope the SHINGLES! kick rocks soon and leave you alone!
71. theishu said:
And I thought only B-grade zombie spoofs were simultaneously funny and scary
72. Mara said:
This video is scary. And awesome. I laughed and was very disturbed at the same time.
You rock.
73. Anonymous said:
This has succeeded in creeping me the fuck out.
74. Rachel said:
I'm glad I was alone when I watched that. The hysterical laughter would have frightened my children worse than the video. Hmmmmmm, can I use that to terrify my children into doing their homework? "Do your homework or I'll make you watch the shingles lady!"
75. Emily said:
That video is hysterical. And awesome. Hysterically awesome.
And a perfectly wonderful idea for a horror film because after seeing that I'm probably going to have nightmares about SHINGLES! :)
76. Jackie said:
That's kind of creepy.... :)
77. MOAM said:
Sweet Jesus! I had to stop that twice while I was watching it because I was laughing so hard...
78. Tess said:
That was too funny! love the video and the creativity behind it. Perfect choice for music.
79. quinn said:
i'm not entirely sure what to do with that...i'm fairly certain i'm now more prone to kill a bunny then go hug one, but hell, it's only tuesday and i didn't get any coffee this morning.
also, my spam entry word is "testily felt" and if there's ever been a sign to give up and go home for that day...*that* is it.
80. Legs said:
My dog makes me crazy with all the marking...at the wind, squirrels, leaves blowing down the street. One morning I was telling my husband that I'd just fucking had it with the dog and he said..."Dude, that dog would kill for you, love your dog...". Later that day....the kids and I return to our backwoods home to find A HUGE SQUIRREL ripping around the room. "Kill it Gary, Kill it!!!" I screamed
And he did.
Then he pranced around the living room with it in his mouth until I kicked him out.
When your home alone and your crazy ass dog goes ballistic and wakes you up while simultaneously scaring away whatever's out there...you'll love that dog again.
And by whatever's out there of course, I mean, Michelle Rebeiro Yoakum Mcbee
81. Z said:
You know when you repeat a word over and over and over again so many times that it eventually loses meaning altogether and sounds like something alien? I think shingles may soon fall into this category.
82. T-odd said:
I took your advice after I watched your video and now my bunny isn't moving. I think I did something wrong. OH, and you are absolutely HORRIFYING!
83. TwirlyGirlie said:
I'm pretty sure I'll be hearing that song at a gay dance club in the very near future.
84. kuffy said:
Crap, that was scarier than the Blair Witch Project.
85. fisheggs said:
That is absolutely histerical! Now how about a kooty shot or is it cooty shot. Why don't kids do that anymore?
86. Anonymous said:
Dear Heather B-Movie Armstrong:
Jazz-hands-Heather joins clowns in the pantheon of "happy" things that terrify?
BUT: You are still less scary than the folks quoted in "monetizing the hate"
Love your blog. Fiesty and bananas.
87. Lisalyn @ All That and a Box of Rocks said:
Okay, that does pretty much enforce the loony loon loonball image.... But I've heard shingles is absolutely awful and I'm sure that helps. A little.
I have the perfect mate for Coco! My dog, the one I threw my purse at yesterday, because HE RUNS. http://tinyurl.com/nz54qj
Think of the JOY we could bring the world with a litter of Coco/Diesel pups! (Yes, the dog's name is Diesel.) *sigh*
88. Jasie VanGesen said:
You so crazy, lady.
89. Devon said:
Wow. I'm in the throes of Day 2 1/2 of a super fucking fabulous cold, and that video actually caused me to move body parts: eyebrows (tiny smidgen up), and smile (barely, though - didn't want to crack those dry-ass suckers I call lips).
You so crazy, gurrrl. *mwah*
SHINGLES!
90. Claire said:
If you remove the sound, your video looks like an experimental 1920s Soviet art film. Either way - art film or goofy video - it's hilarious.
91. TamiA said:
I hope I never get SHINGLES! That video was creepy! But a good laugh! Hope life gets a little saner soon. My captcha word? NUTTING.
92. Branderzy said:
HOLY SHIT, that is SCARY & Cool at the same time:). Perfect for Halloween.
As far as Coco - have you seen 'It's me or the Dog'? it is a british show that airs on Animal Planet. You should DVR it. The dog trainer lady isn't one of those typical dog training freaks (meaning she dresses cool and seems partially normal). Anywho, there was a great episode not that long ago about dogs barking all the time and barking at the door. The key was to be calm and put your back to the dog when they bark. Kind of like ignoring bad behavior from kids so they'll stop. Also, with guests coming over, they used chicken treats or something to get the dog to sit and stay and be calm when someone knocked on the door. They had people come over to practice. We are going to try it.
93. laura said:
my Halloween costume this year is gonna be shingles a la dooce. scary stuff. good luck
94. Tabitha (From Single to Married) said:
If that wasn't the definition of crazy, I don't know what was. :) It was actually quite hypnotizing to watch.
Hope your SHINGLES! get better soon and that you are able to work through that other issue, the one that we're not talking about.
95. Jennifer said:
Dooce -- can you please not refer to things that you're not going to talk about? I hope whatever is going on gets resolved, but you telling all of us that some sort of craziness has gone down in the last day or so, but then telling us that you can't talk about it, is just annoying and mean. Thanks.
96. Krista said:
You are my favourite! that was definitely worth getting funny looks in class for laughing out loud at!
97. Katie said:
You're my new favorite hero. I shall call you Super Shingles.
98. Ariel said:
Heather, I notice you only turn one way- is it possible you aren't an "ambiturner"?
Seriously, I hope you feel better soon cause shingles SUCK!
My aunt had a miniature Australian shepherd,lived on a sheep farm and had that surgery where they make it so the dog can't bark. The dog was that obnoxious. I tell you this not to advocate doing that to your dog, but to let you know that even dogs "working" the way they are supposed to, (because all of your problems are because Coco isn't on a farm or whatever it is they say?) can be difficult, crazy, etc...
99. Anonymous said:
that just made my week. Thanks!
100. Hannah M. said:
I find it upsetting that you would continue to breastfeed while your skin has shingles eruptions. You are incredibly lucky that your kid hasn't come down with chicken pox already. I almost think you want her to become infected. The sadness of it all would send you into a spiraling depression which would be wonderful for your ad revenue.
And why the capitalization of SHINGLES!? Is that to remind all of us what a hard, horrible life you have, living amongst your fugly IKEA furniture, overpriced Etsy garbage, and $1,200 washing machines? Your life just sucks, doesn't it?
101. Shannon said:
Oh sweet baby jebus that's funny. I think you and I both know this year's Halloween costume :) I am Heather B. Armstrong, and these are my SHINGLES!
102. uncouthheathen said:
that is terrifying.
103. andria said:
You should get coco a shock collar with a remote. I know it sounds mean, but you will be a believer after a few weeks. haha
104. Moi said:
Jazz Hands, not just for dancers anymore.
105. Rachel said:
That was horrifying!!!! Thanks for the laugh! I hope you feel better very soon.
106. Lauren From Texas said:
In that video, you look like Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body. Really scary, yet kind of hot. HOW DO YOU DO IT.
107. JanaLea said:
That was absolutely fantastic!!! My 15 year old and I have this thing about spontaneously doing jazz hands at the most inappropriate times. I can't wait to show this to her. I applaud your awesomeness!!
108. Jemaleddin said:
Excuse me, but those aren't jazz hands. Those are sparkle fingers. :-)
Hope things get better, Heather!
109. Christine said:
Woman, if you're crazy, I want me SOMMA DAT!
Good luck with the SHINGLES!!! *Jazz hands*
110. elegant_phoenix said:
And so I didn't heed the advice and let my four year old child watch the video.
Mamamamamama! Again! Again! SHINGLES!!!! Again! Again!!!
Nice. I think I may go hug a bunny just because.
Hope your surreal day melts away. I've had a few of them myself this year.
111. Susie said:
After watching that I might have to go buy a bunny for the sole purpose of hugging it and telling myself it will all be okay.
112. libby @ ninesandquines said:
that just scared the shit out of me :-) and you can send coco to us....we have one like her already and i just ignore him and yell at him to shut the f*** up when i'm answering the door....the people on the other side of the door love that....especially when it's the jehovah's witnesses!!
113. XOXO said:
And THAT, my darling love, is why you will always be my favorite.
Cheers!
114. Brandy said:
That was WAY creepy, but funny none the less. Hope the SHINGLES go away soon, like way sooner than 17 years.
115. Nerissa said:
The both frightened me and sent me into hysterics.... If you watch carefully in slow motion, you can see the crazy peeking out from behind your eyes!
116. Lunaticinthehouse said:
Um, Heather? Are you sure you aren't the secret love child Liza Minnelli and Joel Grey conceived while filming Cabaret? It's Okay to not want to tell anyone. We understand.
117. JSW said:
Perfect suggestion, grand execution!
Thanks for the smile, I needed it. The video is made even funnier (and crazier) by the fact that the next one in the vimeo-succession is the incredibly sweet Leta-Marlo one.
Keep on having fun!
118. christine said:
holy shit, that was actually totally terrifying....
really now....
119. Rachel Denbow said:
I DID have a small child sitting next to me when I hit play thinking it couldn't be that big of a deal.
He totally jumped at your first round of jazz hands.
Hoping you get some relief from all the stressors soon!
120. Shannon said:
Hey #101, welcome to the hate page, woop!
121. sam said:
halloweeeeen!
122. Paulette said:
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!
--Charlie Chaplin
Best video ever (though I agree, those were spirit fingers. We'll be needing another with proper jazz hands, thanks).
123. trisha said:
See now, I think "Spirit Fingers" may have been a better term. Its much more "positive". And you can use all the positivity out there right about now.
Trisha
PS your captcha is speaking Chinese to me. I assure you I am not Asian.
124. Heather said:
Shingles sucks dogs for quarters!
125. Restless Mama said:
Lady, that was some kind of freaky funny!
Thanks for the laugh :o)
126. aryn said:
Totally agree with #90 - you definitely have a 1920s silent film thing going on, you know, but with sound. It kind of reminded me of the robot girl in "Metropolis." Also, AWESOME!
127. Jaime said:
You should be SHINGLES! for Halloween, because that was creepy. Love it.
128. Anonymous said:
I, too, have had a rough week... well, better make that a rough month. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the laugh. As long as we can laugh (or make crazy SHINGLES vids), we're all good. Hang in there! Oh, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Monetizing The Hate. Fantastic!!!!
129. Sandy said:
My two year old daughter is watching this over and over. Even after I left the page she said I want to watch "Shingas" and did the jazz hands. Help me.
130. Beth said:
(Jazz) Hands down, that made my day. Seriously hope you're feeling better soon, that Marlo doesn't get chickenpox, and that CoCo calms the freak down for you.
131. Kim said:
See, now when I read her suggestion, I was picturing ragtime-y music and a flapper hat. Or maybe All That Jazz. More corny vaudeville, less scary Shingles Demon.
But then again, I have never suffered at the hands (jazz or otherwise) of The Dreaded Shingles. Clearly, your shingle dance is truly the embodiment of this more-than-annoying-and-actually-slightly-terrifying affliction.
Good luck!
132. fosterhood said:
"Stabilize the house." That line made me laugh so hard. My house gets so unstable I just don't even answer the door. My neighbor does one of those "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE KNOCKS". Next time I'll tell her I have a new policy that she must text first. hehe.
133. Kathy said:
It almost makes me want to get SHINGLES! myself.
134. Susan said:
Wow
135. Ry Sal said:
If this doesn't scream "SHINGLES", not sure what does... Your eyes are totally having cheer sex too.
136. Finn said:
That video is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. Well done.
P.S. - My Captcha word? Unhinged. Now my day is complete!
137. Jaimie said:
That scared me a little! I still think you are awesome though :-)
138. Anonymous said:
dude, I never laugh out loud at stuff I'm reading, but the slow-mo made me giggle more than once.
139. Lori said:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Did I mention HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! That is SO much more entertaining than working on my dissertation!
140. Candi said:
Okay. So stinking great. I love it. The high-contrast black-and-white made it pretty scary-looking, plus the music.
Thanks for the laugh!
141. Bex said:
Holy crap! I have never laughed so hard at your blog - ever. SHIIIIINGGGGLLLLESSSSS!! Hahahahahaha, oh man. I can't sleep, get out of bed at 4.30am, see what the internet has to offer and my my my did it deliver. You are one piece of shingle-infected genius.
142. Kathleen said:
You totally have us all dying to know what happened yesterday, but that video made it all better.
143. Stephanie said:
I have to say, when I think "jazz hands" I think of something upbeat!! and happy!! This was more psychotic and scarey. Well done!
144. Libby said:
A] I love Julie.
B] I love Dooce.
C] I have a FRIGGIN PUG and everyone on our street knows when someone comes to our door, and my 2 year old knows to yell "HUSH!!!! NO BARKIN'!". And every friday night I get sucked into the dog whisperer, and stare down my dog thinking "I'm coming for you...", and then by the time I wake up Saturday morning I find myself doing "affection affection affection" and no exercise. Oh Cesar, I fail you in so many ways.
145. KimN said:
My four year old was just watching the video over my shoulder and said, "Mama, I would never want that lady to come into my room." So hilarious.
146. nennifer said:
ummm...nice video, but the Beyonce shingles/jazzhand/crazy-mama video was one of the best of all time....no moon-man for you
147. Lori said:
Wow... talk about if ever there were an argument to be made against the existence of the Internet, HELLO IMAGE I CANNOT GET OUT OF MY BRAIN.
Hope you feel better soon!
148. Taryn said:
I don't know much about shingles except that they may cause pain, so I hope that you are doing okay and this all goes away soon. I understand how you might be feeling, last week on tues. I had to have an emergency appendectomy (jazz hands), what a joy that was, thank goodness I had health coverage. Hope you feel better dooce, your posting made me laugh a lot, which then made my incisions hurt. I wont be back to lifting caskets or going to the gym for probably another 2 weeks :(. Take care.
149. Kimmi said:
That was awesome!! You looked like a cross between Cruella Deville and the Exorcist. LOVE IT!!
150. Parsing Nonsense said:
I'm not gonna pretend that that video won't make a cameo in one of my nightmares sometime soon, but I will applaud you for making light of the situation.
My friend's boyfriend got shingles on his eye and it cleared up in about a week. Don't worry, I think you're at very low risk of your shingles consuming your flesh.
Your sanity? Maybe. But probably not your flesh.
151. Jen said:
Our dogs must have been separated at birth... Would you like to borrow another one to calm Coco down??
I think your video would have been better if you had Coco bouncing like a lunatic in the background... just saying... maybe next time! :)
152. Amanda Brown said:
I just peed a little. Epic
153. Anonymous said:
Oh Wow. Just in time for Halloween, eh? Hope it's helping with the pain at least!
154. Sara said:
Usually I hate when people say LOL. It's annoying because while they may have a wry smile on their faces they are NOT LOL.
Today I am LOL. Thank you.
155. Sam said:
I had the SHINGLES! once. I was also plagued with a sinus infection AND the flu on top of it all, and because I was so ill, I was partially deaf resulting in my shouting at people because I never realized how loud I was speaking.
I wish I would have thought of the jazz hands back then. Maybe I would have spent more time laughing about it, rather than crying or trying to fall asleep to escape the stabbing pains.
My favorite part of the video is your crazy eyes. Totally adds to the awesome effects.
xxx
156. Tehmi said:
Man you must have had one shitty day yesterday to create that truly scary thing. Hope your days get better, and so do the shingles... man shingles, what a bitch.
157. Cat said:
I'm pretty sure I have epilepsy NOW.
(I think your jazz hands might be broken.)((Probably from the SHINGLES!)
158. Hailey said:
I love you a little more than I did yesterday, and that was a lot after you made me cry watching the video of your girls. You and Jon must have so much fun and laugh hysterically together, because that was awwwweesome!
159. Brooke said:
Hahahaha...That may be the creepiest funny video I have ever seen. I can only imagine the process of making that. The lighting was paramount in creating the creepiness, I think. Well done.
I hope your SHINGLES! get better. That's right up there with the weird ailments my fiance comes down with. Like the time his toes blew up like balloons, and we were all sure he had an infection from the gym showers. But, no, he had FROST BITE. From, uh, walking from the car to the house?
160. Lauren Ursillo said:
Terrifying, yet I couldn't look away. I hope you feel better ASAP!
161. Kate said:
HAHAHAHA! That was disturbingly hilarious. I like it.
162. The Loud One said:
!!!HATE ALERT!!!
Hellooooo No. 100.
163. RD said:
Well, I'm not quite sure what this was all about. But I am going to save it and show it at my kids' Halloween party. That should set the stage for SCARY!
164. BethanyWD said:
Great. Now every time I say "SHINGLES!" I'm going to have to do Jazz Hands, too.
BTW, I had shingles about 10 years ago (at 24), and while yes, it hurt pretty badly, I recovered well and have not had a re-occurrence. Hope you feel better soon.
165. Imanitsud said:
Dude, you've got kojones. I love it! You of course realize you're just going to fuel the fire of the haters out there. I can totally see this on the evening news, and oh that won't be pretty then. I thought it was so funny I was laughing out loud, but coming from ultra-conservative Indiana like I do, I can hear people already talking about it. More power to ya, Dooce. Here's hoping whatever it is that was so rotten you can't write about it evaporates quickly. Have a good one.
166. beyond said:
HA! this kind of awesomeness is why i've been a faithful reader ever since you were pregnant with leta.
167. Kendra said:
That was seriously disturbing....in a "I love it" kind of way. Feel better.
168. Sue, The Home-Aholic said:
i loved that the music was sort of a mix of horror film/porn flick. can't go wrong with that.
169. janis said:
You are crazy, but so what. That video was really disturbing but I knew that going in and I still hit the button to watch it. What does that make me?
170. Nancy said:
I was too scared to watch the video. However, I have a suggestion for Coco . . . seriously, have you considered a shock collar? Friends of mine have the world's worst westie and they tried a shock collar after the neighbors threatened to call the police if THEY DIDN'T SHUT THE DAMN DOG UP! It worked .. he's now a very nice quiet westie.
171. Barb - WillThink4Wine said:
Your SHINGLES Jazz Hands video was incredibly inventive and creative and bizarre and surreal. Best of all it made me think "That's what Cruella DeVille might have as a nightmare on Halloween Eve". ;-) Well done! bwahahahaha!
Seriously though? Tweet Cesar. He'd probably LOVE to have to as a celebrity guest on The Dog Whisperer and it would make a great post for your blog, too.
172. nikki said:
Dude, i am absolutely crying/dying over that video. I'm up here snorting and waking my baby up and the nanny thinks i'm a quack.
Let me maintain the image that you filmed this right in front of your house with Coco making that same face through the front window?
173. Kirsten said:
Omygawd - way to make lemonade. And listen, I had chicken pox when I was 3 or 4 months old. My mom worked in a dr's office and he didn't believe a baby could get them that young, but sure enough...IF the littles get them, the younger they are, the fewer the pox. So Mom says I had less than 1/2 dozen spots. Of course there was one that rubbed when I sucked my bottle (allergic to Mom's milk), and that's a nice little pock mark...
174. Chriss said:
OMG Caitlyn #6 I, too, watched it in silence and was sure that the silent version much be more frightening then with sound.
However I will be checking on this theory tonight with the sound turned up.
Excellent vid Dooce- just in time for Halloween!
175. Laura said:
That is perhaps both the most disturbing and hilarious video I have ever seen. It tops Charlie the Unicorn for sure!
176. meaganhtfld said:
makes me wish i had shingles
177. Penelope said:
Hysterical. Have to agree with #145 KimN...I have a 4-year-old and I think I could use this video to be all, "Stop jumping on the furniture or I will make you watch the SHINGLES! video."
178. Meeka said:
That was, hands down, the most charmingly funny video I've ever seen... I love your face! (which is one of those statements that can either be charming or creepy, depending on what level of a house it's said in... first floor: affectionate, second floor: possibly romantic in a goofy way, attic: questionable, basement: gut-wrenchingly horrifying (especially when holding or standing near powertools).
Assume I'm in my livingroom!
179. Liz said:
So my dad, an OBGYN, once had a patient with shingles in her genitals. He put her in the hospital with a morphine drip until they went away...um... just a suggestion.
180. Kelley Butler said:
That is the funniest thing I have seen all week! And yeah, commenter #100 probably needs to pull whatever is stuck up her hiney hole out, take a deep breath, and do some jazz hands herself to chill the eff out. Kids need to get chicken pox before they turn 35 and have to be taken care of by a spouse. Getting over chicken pox is much easier when you're taken care of by your mom...especially one with SHINGLES!
181. Grumblegirl said:
I was hoping for a fedora, tap pants and fishnets, but I guess that'll have to do. I believe Liza with a "Z" would be proud, proud, proud!
(Hope you feel better soon, for reals.)
182. Miranda said:
My 3-year-old was mesmorized by the video. I think he liked it. At least he wasn't afraid of it, he must be making strides because the other day he was scared of a floating bra on iCarly. I on the other hand thought it was pretty damn funny.
183. Chrissy said:
I get the stress issue with Coco. I also get the barking thing. We have 2 small dogs - a dachshund and a schnauzer. While the schnauzer is definitely the "alpha dog", she always follows suit when the door bell rings and the dachshund launches into a hissy fit of rampant barking, dancing around, and all out lunacy. It's everything I can do not to pick her up and wring her neck! It makes the prospect of visitors very nerve-wracking, but I like your idea of a phone call or text so you can get prepared for guests. I'll have to remember that in the future. I'm lucky, at least, that my barking dogs don't wake up sleeping babies. I really feel for you on that.
184. h.bee said:
Oh man, I had shingles on my thigh a couple of years ago and it was awwwwwwwful! So painful! I hope you're feeling better soon. I also hope that you and Jon are up to the training of Coco soon, because I can only imagine how frustrating/stressful/annoying it is to deal with her on top of everything else. She's cute, but I would never have the patience for a dog's B.S.
Given the opportunity of open comments, and after reading the Hate section (oh Dooce, if what they all write wasn't so ridiculous, I would be horrified for you! I hope you get a good laugh out of what they say) I thought I'd urge people to click on my name to visit Lucky Thirteen and Counting - it's not my blog, but it's a post from someone else who has dealt with Michele Robeiro Yoakum Mcbee and her vile hatred. Or just google Michele Robeiro Yoakum Mcbee for a good laugh!
Wishing you nothing but the best, Dooce. I think you and your little family are wonderful.
185. elisha said:
have you tried the citronella bark collar? it sprays citronella under the dog's chin when it barks. I recently got one for my beagle and it has greatly reduced her barking. But, I do have to know when company is coming so i can put the collar on her before their arrival.
186. Becky said:
Oh, my. If your neighbors didn't already think you were of the devil, I'm pretty sure you've convinced them now!
I have to admit, though, that when people post WORDS! like that, I often see the sparkle hands in my head. It's nice to see them out there for the world to see :)
187. carrie said:
My 2yo was watching that with me and just kept pointing and saying "mama". So I suppose that tells you something about our home. Nice vid!
188. Lauren said:
I daydream about having a troupe of backup dancers following my every move with Jazz hands for emphasis. Thanks for being hilarious and always making my day!
189. Kiki said:
I have a SINGLES! horror story. I can't even make this up. My grandma had it once and she was telling me about it and how it's so painful, and "ooh, down there on the lips, ooh, just horrible" ick ick ick! No grand-daughter should have to hear about her grandmother's "lips".
190. Kandice said:
You know where I'm going right after I leave this comment? To your Monetizing the Hate page. 'Cause I'm pretty sure you're going to get some really classic material in response to that totally fantastic hilarious video.
191. Shannon said:
Ok I meant #100 gets on the hate wall. I think I was still so terrified by the JAZZSHINGLEHANDS! that I forgot what actual number to put up. In honor of commenter #100, I'm gonna go get you some more ad revenue so you can roll in money. I hear rolling in cold hard cash will do wonders for your SHINGLENIPPLES! w00t!
192. AmyB said:
Ahahaa! I think I just wet myself a little - can I get some jazz hands for THAT?
193. nicole said:
@dooce & @blurb, how are you going to put the lid back onto this can of worms? hope there's a plan. Fallout could be damaging.
sorry for the repetition, would really like a response to this one, I'm beyond curious as to how this is going to end.
194. Kerri said:
I have to go with spirit fingers too, Heather. LOL Still very funny, though. Maybe you can make another one with jazz hands.
195. Meagan G said:
Scary yet satisfying... nice work..
196. Tricia said:
That video was just a little freaky. Funny too, but mostly freaky. I hope my 5 year old doesn't happen across it! ;)
Tricia
197. Kay said:
Oh dear...don't go hug a bunny. The hate that. I promise. (And the manifest their hate by jumping up on the bed at two thirty in the morning and thumping you smack in the middle of your spine. It is most unpleasant.)
198. WebSavyMom said:
-->That made me laugh and then it got a little scary. HAHA...
Sorry about the SHINGLES!
199. Anonymous said:
Hmm...Yesterday's post was entitled "It's the Hands that Kill Me" and then THIS today?
Um...yeah...I'll be waiting in the car, K?
Seriously laughed out loud at your batshit crazy eyes. Hope you're feeling etter soon.
200. Erin said:
So did your neighbors actually submit Coco or was that a joke? What was worse than SHINGLES! and a newborn? I missed something, obviously.
201. Anonymous said:
Brilliant! Very Willem Dafoe in Nosferatu.
S*
202. Brandi said:
"I've fallen and I can't get up!"
203. Karen said:
This is not going to dissuade people from the belief that the rapture is nigh. VERY Nigh. Hee!
204. Mo said:
It is hard to believe that Broadway playwrite and star Heather Armstrong was once known primarily for her blog. Heather rocketed to true stardom when her first production, SHINGLES!, the Musical, was optioned for a Disney channel feature-length film...
205. Amber said:
I like the music to this video. I also noticed your background was the garage door. If you did this on the outside of the door, I need to become your neighbor. Hilarious!
206. stefanie said:
I just showed your video to my mother who has had shingles 17 hundred million times (official count by Guinness) and she says that you managed to accurately convey the horror. Good job!
Also, what are your feelings on posting the email addresses of the haters? I think it would be tons of fun. Sort of a way to make the whole Dooce experience more interactive.
207. Kristina said:
Creepy video. Sorry its not you ..its the lighting. C R E E P Y
208. Sara said:
love it. way to rock the shingles, dooce!
209. modernemotive said:
Awesome!!! Not the shingles part but the video. Thanks for the laugh. :)
Adele
210. JMB said:
You do the crazy eyes thing WAY too well. o_0
I hope all the private life stuff gets better soon!
211. mosprott said:
holy crap - it's like one of those awesome Ringu-like Japanese horror films. AWESOME!
212. linuxchik said:
sweet, you're awesome. i hereby dedicate 'mutant race' to you (from the popular BBC hit, the mighty boosh)!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0uSAxtuV4o
213. F said:
Dear Heather,
Sorry that you're feeling sick still - I hope you get better superfast. On an unrelated note, after reading your hate mail, it has become quite clear to me that your haters are a bunch of crazy-ass wackaloons. I don't know how you put up with that nonsense, but I hope you're able to shake it off and KEEP ON WRITING!! Because the rest of us think you're fantastic!
Cheers!
214. Randi said:
though i don't know from personal experience.. my mom has had shingles before and from the looks of it.. i can only imagine how bad it is... i truly hope you get to feeling better soon...
... now onto another now: that video- it was just really sorta startling and scary...
215. Charlene said:
All you need to complete the picture is horns, a pitchfork and a tail...LMAO
216. Cam said:
Right now my 21 month-old daughter is looking at this and going all "Sheen-golllls" and "more! more!". And she only speakes Portuguese.
No bunny-hugging for this one here, no sir. :D
217. all things BD said:
Wait. Were those jazz hands or spirit fingers?
218. Anonymous said:
Love it!!
219. Linda said:
Terror! Terror-alert.
p.s. by the way, Toronto is a national SHINGLES-free location. You should visit it!
220. Andi said:
That was kinda scary!
221. I'm Weeping said:
Those aren't jazz hands.
Jazz hands are happy. Buoyant.
These hands terrified me.
Heather, you corrupted jazz hands.
You also made me cry and gave me day terrors.
Please don't do that ever again.
222. Denise said:
That video was petrifying. I hate scary movies, this was pretty on par ... but really, I might have to employ the "add jazz hands to x bad event" method, as it seems to be working.
223. MotherProof said:
OK, that is SO not what I imagined when you said "jazz hands". Hope you're feeling better soon...
224. Jenny said:
I had shingles IN MY ARMPIT when I was 10 yrs old. The doctor was like, "Usually we only find this on scabby old people who can't get out of bed and shit themselves!" That didn't make me feel like a freak AT ALL during pubescent swimsuit season. The ointment he gave me was the consistency of bacon grease. Fingers crossed for you that medicine has advanced somewhat since then. It probably wouldn't help to have a hyperactive dog who knows there's bacon grease on your body.
225. Anonymous said:
Whoa. Nosferatu much?
Dooce is Nosferatu! Call a cop!!
226. Kirsten said:
OMG! Love the video. It is kinda creepy and thanks for the disclosure on keeping small children away, because I think my 3yo might have flipped and started having seizures.
227. Angela said:
Ha ha ha I cannot stop laughing!
228. Ariana said:
I've never commented but had to today. My 6 year old was in the room when I hit play and started CRACKING UP as we watched that. Oh my gosh that was the funniest thing ever! She's now sitting next to me begging me to play it again and saying, "shingles!!".
So freaking funny.
229. H to the Izzo said:
OMG, yes, the coloring=crazy. The darkness behind your eyes and mouth-eeek.
I laughed so hard at my desk just now I cried. That's not at all what I was expecting, but totally better.
230. AJ said:
Watching this video gives me the same feeling as watching the part of Mulholland Drive when the two guys are in the diner and then they walk around the back of the diner and the scary homeless dude is standing there.
+1!
231. Anonymous said:
I was in a very sour mood due to some news today, and could not pick myself up. Saw your post, didn't even listen to the video - but watched and was just laughing out loud so hard, that I'm sure I've been classified as PMSing since I was just crying a hour ago and now laughing like a lunatic.
Thanks!
Save a spot for me in the looney bin, I'll bring the booze. :)
232. Cara Wahlgren said:
Jesus Christ that was so funny it took every effort and required intense focus and concentration on my part to keep a bored, somewhat dazed look on my face as I watched this instead of busting out with guffaws to keep my boss from realizing I was not in any way working.
233. Margaret said:
AHAHAHAHAHA. Ohmygoodness that was the funniest thing I've seen all day, and I've been on awkwardfamilyphotos.com and peopleofwalmart.com. You ARE a loony loonball, but somehow I can follow you where ever you go. What does that say about me? Hope you feel better soon!
234. Twice Five Miles said:
Wow. That was... terrifying.
Feel better soon!
235. Kris said:
Creepiest video EVER. Watched it without sound at work, was a litte, well, terrified of you all of a sudden. No bunnies around, maybe I'll go and hug a co-worker.
But I do have to agree with the others who said it. Those aren't Jazz Hands (sorry!). Those were Sparkle Fingers. Jazz hands you shake the whole hand while keeping the fingers splayed and straight. Otherwise, that was totally awesome.
236. Visible Voice said:
I'm not gonna lie...that was the scariest thing I've ever seen. In the crazy weird fun way!
You know how if you do a search for getting "dooced" it's you know...getting fired for writing on your blog about your employer...after you.
I bet...this video will be attached to SHINGLES for now until forever!
SHIN-GLESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Ha ha ha!
237. Stacey said:
omg, i think i just snorted. at my desk. with my boss walking by. fuck it... CREEPY, but in a seriously fucked up funny i'd like to watch it tripping on acid kind of way. sadly, those days are long past me (the acid, et al) but damn, i am going to be having flashbacks, nightmares, etc., for some time to come, i believe. but in a good way. like a bulb flashed...and that crazy long fingered nutty-eyed vision is burned into my eyeballs... good stuff. very good stuff.
238. Anonymous said:
That video will become the basis of all my future nightmares.
Thanks
Now I can take my mother-in-law off that list.
239. Erica said:
We all know how you are going to scar your kids with all the awful things you say about them, right?
Well - when they recover from therapy and assisted re-birthing or whatever, make sure you show them this post. And be all "Look, the internet thinks I messed you up. But then again - I also made videos like SHINGLES!!!!"
And then they will be all "Yeah, you know you are right. Mom's awesome!" And then you will all skip into the sunset, with Coco yapping her tail off behind you.
240. Sarah Wilson said:
Last year one of my guy friends had SHINGLES! and I poked him in the back to get his attention. Which also happened to be right on a SHINGLE! He didn't speak to me for a week. Now anytime one of our friends pokes another the other one screams just like he did that day " YOU POKED ME IN THE FING SHINGLE YOU BITCH" So I can slightly understand your pain.
And your video on silent at work... seriously.. a little creepy and I loved it! :)
241. aban said:
dear mommy of two cute kids, psychotic-but-fun dogs & a husband.
i was having a crappy afternoon. well, in comparison to you having shingles & a breast feeding child my life looks like a vacation.
all this to say, that has got to be the BEST video EVER.
i apologize, i laughed so hard snot came out. groos, i know, but you were THAT funny.
i hope you get better before the months end.
242. Sarah said:
Sometimes the best thing to do in life is embrace the Crazy. Brava!
243. Any Mouse said:
That was an amazing video. My second child is 11 months old and I still don't get enough sleep. HOW do you find time for this stuff?
244. famousamy said:
Crazy! Scary! Awesome!
a.k.a. LOVED IT!
Here's hoping your SHINGLES! disappear soon and that the other drama does too!
245. Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said:
You filmed that outside?!
Now all of your neighbors are thinking, "Gee, we thought Coco had problems! That's nothing."
:)
246. ChrisV said:
Bob Fosse would be so proud.
247. Vickie said:
My mother had shingles.
she found relief in a "tens unit". Contact your pharmacy. At some places you can rent the little machine. She was so in love with the machine she bought hers. My dad used it when he had knee surgery and I used it when I had tennis elbow. Works wonderfully.
248. Kate said:
Oh so funny Heather.
But, SHINGLES! is no laughing matter. So sorry for you having to go through this. Hope you're feeling better soon.
Best to you and the family!
kate
249. Lessa said:
Dear Heather,
We all get our share of crap. You happen to post about it and make everyone feel better by making us pee our pants. You should have a "Pee first" warning.
I just got a foster Mastiff yesterday and our little Princess Mastiff doesn't think it's funny. But she is no Coco. I wish you the best of luck and make Jon take that dog for a drag. Like for four hours.
250. Trena said:
Hahahahahahaha! This is ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!!!! Must remember the "jazz hands" when I'm having a tough time @ work! Thanks!
251. Brenna said:
Well, I was deliberately NOT sending you my SHINGLES! horror story, but now I think it might make you feel better. I had shingles (on my abdomen, same as you) when I was 4 months pregnant with my first child, while I still had morning (all day) sickness. And it sucked a lot and hurt a lot for a couple weeks, but we're both just fine now, I SWEAR. I do have a tinyl scar on the small of my back, but it's my own fault. Related: don't pick or scratch. And warm, moist heat helps with the itch.
252. the mighty jimbo said:
yeah, see...that sorta creeped me out. like that kid from that one horror movie or the jump cuts in the exorcist or sleestaks.
253. Anonymous said:
LOL!
Ok, evil called and your video gave it nightmares!
That was hysterical! I know that intercunts think that everything your write is going to damage your children, but i think maybe it's that video that will do it.
Myself, I am now in therapy twice a week to deal with the ramifications.
Jazz - hand SHINGLES ass fucked my brain!!!
LOL!
254. Kara said:
The slow motion was cuh-razy! Hope you feel better soon!!!
255. Anna G. said:
OMG! Heather, you are the wind in my sails (some days!) Here I am taking a break from studying all ten billion muscles in the body, their origins, insertions, innervations...y'know, fun stuff like that and I turn to you for a moment of respite- and OMG, do you give it. Thank you for making me laugh out loud and shoot coffee out of my nose!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you and I look forward to more. Feel better soon!
256. Eternally Distracted said:
I am currently watching my partner playing a guitar to a crazy cockatoo who keeps taking breaks to shit on the carpet (the parrot of course), in between they are playing catch with a toilet roll holder... and still your craziness beats mine!
257. Eternally Distracted said:
I am currently watching my partner playing a guitar to a crazy cockatoo who keeps taking breaks to shit on the carpet (the parrot of course), in between they are playing catch with a toilet roll holder... and still your craziness beats mine!
258. JuliaA said:
a friend of mine had shingles, and there was discomfort and fatigue and all of that, but the highlight for her friends was that she took this picture:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sugarandbrine/3732462985/
not sure that she'd say it was worth it, but hey.
259. Kate said:
You might have just convinced me to be SHINGLES! for Halloween. Sure-fire win for the scariest costume award.
260. Kay said:
So, that video, combined with the flashing ad for Howl-O-Scream at Busch Gardens (tagline "Evil never goes out of fashion" and featuring lots of black and white flashing images of people turning into vampires), has made me scared to come to your site. I might have to take a hiatus, at least until you provide ballast for the scariness of those ads (maybe Leta hugging a bunny? Chuck balancing a bunny? Marlo in a bunny outfit? I'll take pretty much anything).
261. Ashley said:
Holy shit that scared the bejesus out of me.
Good lord. I'm such a weenie.
262. Marinka said:
You're going to make Shingles! a must-have now, aren't you? Nice.
263. Monica said:
I would love to see you guys on the dog whisperer!! my best friend just got shingles last week too...so sorry for you. She is miserable! And the stress of worrying about giving it to little Marlo... ugh. Sympathy from afar. I was reading this while sitting next to my 2-year-old and when she saw the picture for the video she started frantically saying 'all done, all done.' Kinda funny.
264. Maria said:
LOL...I hope you feel better soon. :) Well almost, if your *Shingles* continue I can only imagine the videos that might unfold....
265. Meg said:
Kinda bummed that Karen stole my comment.
I have a degree in theatre. As a SAHM, said degree only translates into very dramatic puppet shows and reading time for my boys. No more Jazz hands for this mama.
So in defense of my former life,
(and yes, it had to be said...twice obviously!)
Those are some serious cheerleader spirit fingers. Jazz hands is more wrist, less fingers :)
Its all in the wrist. Oh and usually accompanied by a show stopping number and a SMILE ;)
266. Anonymous said:
OMG! Have you googled the yoakem mcbee lady? Check this out:
http://luckythirteenandcounting.com/2009/09/anonymous.html
267. Jenny said:
Oh my gosh! Best video EVER!
268. Rita Arens said:
I found another post about shingles and here are your recommended theme songs.
Theme songs for shingles:
Ring of Fire- Johnny Cash
When Lightening Strikes – Godiva
King of Pain- The Police
full post: http://shingles-fire.blogspot.com/2008/01/ring-of-fire-exquisite-torture...
269. Jennifer said:
Dude, that is the scariest thing I have ever seen.
When she suggested "jazz hands" I thought it was going to be all cheerful and perky. I should have remembered who I was dealing with.
Nicely done!
270. Lulu said:
fuckin rights. that scared JUST A LITTLE
271. Katherine SOLO dot MOM said:
I am rolling in the floor laughing my arse off!
Thanks for sharing beyond the boundaries.
272. L Warren said:
Holy crap that is the scariest face I have ever seen and I frequent biker bars!
Hope you get better! :)
273. Carly Brantz said:
HI-larious. I am covering my mouth to keep quiet in the office. Hope you feel better soon!
274. Kate said:
Hilarious and creepy at the same time! Love it!
275. Rhonda said:
THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS. I HOPE IT HELPED RELIEVE SOME OF YOUR STRESS!!!!!!!!!
276. Cate S said:
Sorry to hear about the SHINGLES...but really, my comment is about "monetizing the hate"...wow-there are some serious wacky tabackys out there now aren't there, (that is so a rhetorical ?).. And they are concerned for your well-being-isn't that rich--the people who are spewing hate from every orfice of their bodies and probably scream at their children, "leave me alone-can't you see mommy's typing-go watch Elmo for the 654th time today-I'm busy", while writing you are concerned with how YOUR children will turn out. That's so sweet of them.
Apparently it hasn't occured to them that their own children will pick up on their snarkiness, cuz I don't think it exists just in the blogosphere.
Wow-Mary Poppins would be so proud.
Idiots.
277. Ashley said:
As someone who has one and a half Aussies (and the other half is Border Collie so you can just imagine that mix!) I can tell you that you are absolutely not alone in the song and dance you must perform to calm the dogs down prior to the door bell ring. This morning we asked a plumber (A COMPLETE STRANGER!) to just come in, don't bother with knocking or ringing the bell. And he did, which was pretty sweet. Unlike the roofers we had a month or so ago that KEPT RINGING THE DAMN BELL JUST TO SEE ME FLIP OUT EVERY TIME. Wow, that never got old.
Also, my curiosity is SO piqued over this mysterious dramatic day yesterday. I do hope everyone is ok :)
278. Jana said:
Leave it to Julie to be such an inspiration! I am so done with you, I can't stand it. BRILLIANT, YOU LUNATIC.
279. Lori Moore said:
My autistic son was watching over my shoulder when I played this. It made him do this squint/sidelong glance thing that he does when things are too overwhelming - usually things like roller coasters and fireworks. Now the list includes Dooce and the jazz hands of terror.
280. Anonymous said:
Wow - that is scary. This could be an excellent low-cost costume for halloween.
281. Ismara said:
Ok, I think that video might give me nightmares tonight.
282. Lindsay said:
OMG can I just tell you that I was almost on the ground with Laughter and tears streaming down my face when I read about Coco and people coming to the door ringing the door bell. My German Sheperd is the EXACT same way and we avoid that DAMN doorbell like the plauge. We no longer have Family coming to visit us becuase of our dog its quite sad! But shes our baby and shes staying. Good Luck with the Shingles! And can I just say your girls are BEAUTIFUL!!! Please Dont ever Change!!!
283. Liz said:
That was terrifying. And awesome.
You are great.
284. Rabbit said:
I just brayed, so incredibly hard at that video. Well done. That was freaking hilarious! Although some Phantom of the Opera synthesizer-style techno might have been a little more apropos.
285. Norma said:
Wow, I didn't know shigles could be that serious!
286. DaddysFishBowl said:
LMAO, OMG that was one of the scariest videos I've ever seen. But nonetheless, I loved it.
287. Katie C. said:
Heather, I do hope your SHINGLES! improve. And I hope this gives the collective "them" (aka all those people who have nothing better to do than bash bloggers you don't actually know) something to think about. You want this woman coming after you? I watched the video twice, but it scared me to death.
288. Emma said:
So I consider myself a pretty mature fifteen-year-old, but that made me scream. Congratulations, you've exceeded the level of creepiness set by Henry Hall in Here Comes the Boogeyman. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIEOyvGfZZc
Now PLEASE PLEASE come to my Halloween party? YOU MUST.
289. Courtney said:
I am both terrified and amused.
Hope you feel better soon!
290. Lisa said:
Hey! HM! Have you heard of immunities in breastmilk? Marlo has a much lower chance of catching anything thanks to Heather continuing to nurse. So there.
I didn't hear any southern accent while you said, SHINGLES! I hope that, should I have to deal with anything like this, that my sense of humor is as good! Feel better soon!
291. duck_jb said:
so scary. hold me. but away from your shingles.
292. Kato said:
Seriously dude, that was the funniest thing ever.
Keep being cool Dooce.
293. Anonymous said:
Did you guys get a death threat or something?
Take care.
294. Melissa said:
Okay, so I didn't listen to the disclaimer about keeping kids away. My 2 year old watched and now he's running around putting his hands up in the air and going "Shasha!" in his best exorcist voice. At least he has a grin on his face, even if it is a bit demonic in nature.
295. Leslie said:
Oh, you're crazy all right. But, it's the good kind of crazy.
296. Kathi said:
That is amazing and awesome, and horrible and terrifying. I shall have nightmares, but laugh when I remember them. In other news, you should send this to Trent Reznor as you are clearly his long lost soulmate (sorry Jon). Feel better!
297. Giussi said:
OMG!!!
That was the most hilarious, brilliant and frightening thing I've seen in a long time!
Hope the 'out of bounds' stuff gets resolved soon!
Ya, maybe you could hire Coco a jogging partner to help run some of the energy off??? Just an unsolicited, uninformed dog-lover's thought...
Get Well Soon!
298. Anonymous said:
omg internet lady. you. are. hilarious! I hope your SHINGLES! clear up soon!
299. Brenda said:
I had SHINGLES! on my wedding day - and what I found most amusing was simply that since they prescribed Valtrex, I could tell people that I had a horrific herpes outbreak ("wanna see?"). That shocked most people into silence and relieved me of much hand-shaking. :)
300. Anonymous said:
ohmigod, that is not jazz hands, that is jazz hands after the owner of the hands got eaten by a demon!
hey on the bright side, aren't chicken pox good to get out of the way? maybe not that young. good immunity for her though!