• Lily

    Heather,

    I didn’t read you until fairly recently – but I just wanted to tell you again – Monetize the Hate is both amazing and hilarious. It makes me like you all the more. Now I get to read you AND the crazy things people write in response to you. I hope you’re making tons of money on it!

  • Lisa

    Sounds like that kid needs a good spanking…or better yet…when he breaks something, his parents should break something of his!

    Did you watch “Modern Family” last week?!

  • http://forgingahead.wordpress.com Kathleen @ ForgingAhead

    Marlo is an angel! Clearly ya’ll have figured which way Adam blows. Scary kid.

  • http://hopelds.blogspot.com Hope

    Shingles, shut-up breasts and slamming newborns – baby, you are getting it from all sides.

    Thanks for sharing with all of us.

  • jacki

    you’re really annoying to read when high.

  • Wendy

    Hey Heather:

    Sorry to hear about your boob. Glad to hear it cleared up fast. I recently had a painful bout with mastitis – 2.5 years after I last breastfeed. It definitely felt like mastitis from the get-go, but to be safe, I had a mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy. So, take the pain of mastitis and add the make-you-cry pain of putting your boob in a vice grip then jamming a needle in it. And they had to do two rounds of it. Thank god it was nothing, but wowsers, I’d almost rather go through labor again.

  • http://victorytrue.blogspot.com/ Chriss

    I can only hope that I have the opportunity to say in a conversation some day, “Like, you seem to be upset! How about we take a break from that and look at how cute I am!”

    LMAO

  • Brenda

    Marlo has that…”turn the other cheek” down already. Good start.

    My sister and I had a rule… I get to dicipline your kids when I see them doing something they shouldn’t and you get to do the same to mine. Ya… couldn’t get my sis-in-law on board….and her boys were the worst. But don’t touch her little angels! But she would smack mine or my sisters when she felt that they were out of line to her boys. The world is not fair!

  • http://www.checksmall.com Checks

    I’m glad we just celebrated birthdays 20 and 22 last week. There’s something magical about infants, but it sure is a lot easier when they are older.

  • Anonymous

    #62 – Yep, TMI. Boobs and nursing are icky and gross and ladies should be embarrassed to even have them. And let’s not even get started on vaginas, or as I call them, lady shame caves. It’s really a dark day when women start discussing their shared experiences and helping each other out.

  • http://mlbornstein.blogspot.com Meredith

    Dude! Do they have toddler wrestling? Or boxing? Because that is a kid who needs an outlet.

  • http://bitchphd.blogspot.com bitchphd

    I read this post out loud to my son, who is 8, and who is a lot like Adam. He (my son, not Adam) laughed like a hyena the entire time. Tell your brother I feel his pain.

  • http://whirlwindblogger.blogspot.com/ Lynda

    YIKES! Blocked ducts suck! …While reading, I thought your nephew was going to come over and grab your breast! OUCH! (Not that hitting Marlo was any better…).
    TAKE CARE!

  • MamaLana

    Today’s photo of Marlo is just lovely! Feel better soon, dear.

  • http://lifeaslou.blogsome.com Leah

    Ha! My firstborn was likeAdam. We called him “Jonas Search And Destroy”. It was unreal, and I am quite familiar with the rocking in the corner and the clawing and rending of ones clothing. And the humiliation- OH THE HUMILIATION.

    After that I birthed two beautiful, sweet Marlos, who charm the world and make everything seem so EASY.

    And I medicated Jonas.

  • Jackie

    Heather she is soo cute!

    Also all the asshole who choose to attack your children (one of whom is dressed very cute and obviously has no learning disabilities) have very sad lives.

    P.S. I’m from small town Oklahoma and was raised to disagree with everything you say, but I absolutely love your site! Thanks for doing what you do!

  • abolknitter

    Holy catshit batman! Dude… can I say that “the boys will be boys” crowd should rethink that plan…
    Good for you for not bitch slapping the beastie back! You are a better woman than I…

  • http://www.andieedwards.com Andie

    Boys. They are crazy but oh so loveable. My youngest had a personal vendetta against lamps when he was younger. He couldn’t walk by one w/o pushing it to the ground. Tell your brother they do eventually outgrow it.
    a.

    P.S Glad your feeling better

  • http://timesurge.blogspot.com Surge

    Marlo’s reaction owns.

  • http://www.yogabitch.blogspot.com/ kristin k

    haha #62!! Heather never said she was a lady!

  • jlene18

    I have to give hope to those who are having boys: not ALL boys are like this, and, in fact, most of the ones I’ve known are VERY decent. While boys can be rougher than girls, even my mother was shocked when I told her this story (I’m the oldest of 4, the two boys are the youngest two)…she was worried that maybe the child had Autism or ADD (she works with Special Needs children in an Elementary school). I’ve only known ONE boy to act this way – and it appears that Adam doesn’t have the same problem that this boy I knew had (lack of discipline) – though they boy I knew didn’t have this problem around me (he hit me ONCE, and got a clear lesson on why you don’t hit girls – especially ones who know how to defend themselves). I have to be honest and say I would have smacked him upside the head before he knew what hit him, so you’re a MUCH more restrained woman than I!
    As far as the clot goes, my mom and I extend our sympathies…we’ve both been there, and when you say PARALYZING…I hope your friend takes that word to heart! lol Glad it’s better though!

  • tina

    A weird, miraculous remedy for clogged milk ducts: Stick a nice big fresh cabbage leaf inside your bra for a couple hours, or as long as you can stand smelling cabbage-y. I don’t think anyone knows why it works, but it somehow helps draw things out, like some kind of cabbage-breast milky magnetism. Really! And that leaf, when it first comes out of the fridge and onto your poor inflamed boob — ahh! And they fit so nicely, too. They almost seem made for this purpose. Plus, you get to tell people you have cabbage in your bra.

    Love your blog — here by way of bphd.

  • Julie

    My best friends children are exactly the same as Adam. And now it’s got to the point that I wont have them over because they will climb on my white lounge and break everything. I also wont take mine to her house as her son lays into my daughter.

    She constantly tells me how LUCKY I am to have kids that don’t climb and don’t hit. And to that I say Bullshit (internally) I would never say this directly to her. But, my kids don’t climb because whenever I saw them climbing I stopped it in no uncertain terms. I put safety gates up. I told my son. If I ever catch you climbing into your sisters crib I will smack you so hard on the bottom.

    I gave him a baby doll before my daughter was born and taught him how to treat a baby. And told him he could never pick her up or hurt her or he would get a smack. He has never hit, pushed or bitten his sister. He wouldn’t dream of it. He loves her and always wanted to look after her. I also had babysitting help so I could do things one on one with my son. Little boys need time and attention and love and smacks for naughty behavior. And a look in your eye that says don’t mess with me. I am the boss.

    My daughter hasn’t needed as many smacks. But occasionally she does and then she will get them. Not abuse just a smack on the bottom or leg and a look that says I will not put up with this behavior. It is not LUCK. What I feel like saying to people with these kids is, “I discipline my kids properly and watch them like a hawk and you don’t”.

    And to those people that saying hitting kids teaches them to hit I say rubbish. My son has NEVER hit anybody unlike all my friends kids who choose not to smack their kids.

  • http://maneuveringmotherhood.com Miss Behavin

    What a little shit!

    Just wait till Marlo can walk and talk and you tell her about that one time when her cousin thumped her in the head.

    That boy better watch his nuts!

  • AprilMay

    Seriously…what is with all the boy haters? Smack Adam who is a baby himself? Ya’ll are NUTS. And as the mom of three boys, I can honestly tell you that most boys are NOT that wild! My oldest son did like to take things apart, but now he is a certified math genius who will make lots of money and hopefully put me in a killer retirement home someday.

    On a side note, Marlo is perhaps the most gorgeous baby I’ve ever seen!.

  • Cherie

    Adam is 18 months old. His age is measured in MONTHS! Lets not send him down the River Styx just yet…

  • Desi

    #131 – “Lady shame caves”! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

  • http://onescrappymom.com Bobbie

    GO MARLO! Somehow, I totally pictured the ending of this and totally pictured Marlo smiling at him, like DUDE, have you seen ME?

  • http://www.teahlo.blogspot.com Aunt LoLo

    HA! This totally made me laugh out loud!
    Ok, I lied – I’m not laughing out loud. My kids are both asleep, and if you think I’m going to wake them up over a Baby Story…you’re nuts. But I’m laughing on the inside, okay?

    Adam sounds…interesting. ;-) (But, seriously?! No picture of Marlo’s dimples here? Not even a little reminder? I’m disappointed. ;-) )

    To the mamas who are bashing on Adam’s mother, I’ve got a story. I’m a twin, and we’re the oldest of 5. When we were babies, we were so good, so ANGELIC, that relief societies all over the STAKE asked my mother to come and teach classes on how to raise children. She told them to have scripture, prayers, put up baby gates, put away all the “no” items, etc.

    Two years later, my little brother was born. He wasn’t LIKE us.

    Mom was never asked to teach another class again.

    Turns out, all that time, it was just my uber-perfect sister keeping me in line. Ha! She was good enough for the both of us.

  • Missa

    As much as I want to give the boy five across the eyes, I know the better (more politically correct, anyway) solution is to stick him in time out and not pay a single mite of attention to him. Hopefully after a few of those, he’ll get the idea that hitting/breaking is NOT the way to get attention.

  • http://www.thrive-rochester.blogspot.com Lisa

    Most adults could probably learn something from Marlo. Actually, it almost reminds me of your Monetize the Hate—-she did exactly what you’re doing in baby terms :)

  • http://www.freckletree.com freckletree.

    Dude, this is what deep breaths are made of. I have girls myself– and a few nephews as well. Crazy nephews that jump and climb and don’t understand english . . . but the minute they touch one of my little girls . . . I’ll be reaffirming: that’s what deep breaths are made of.

    BTW, I’ve never heard of the River Styx, but it sounds like an awesome place to send a reckless little boy. The band Styx has always sucked (heck yes, they did– and STILL DO!!) and maybe that river will teach him to straighten up or COME SAIL AWAY, COME SAIL AWAY, COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME . . .

  • http://www.employed-online.com Joseph

    What a terror how do you do it?

  • http://teucherfrausti.blogspot.com Nicole

    That little Adam is way too young to incur this much wrath. I know we’re all mesmerized by Marlo, but he’s practically a baby himself. He’s clearly got his R&D department working in overdrive.

    Luckily, the great thing about raising a boy is watching him change. Adam will, too. He will defy this whole pattern. It’s just what some of them do. My baby brother who was horrible as a small child is amazing amazing amazing now.

    That said, Marlo is beautiful. Totally breast-worthy. And it’s good to see that her head is as protective and strong as it is delightful.

  • Rita

    Is it wrong that I’m looking a the latest picture of Marlo (Marlene? Maria? Moby?) and thinking “The spice must flooowwwww”….

    Insane cuteness. How do you stand it? I would die a million deaths every day. :o )

  • http://www.doadw.blogspot.com Miranda

    I had mastitis…and then it turned into a staph infection and I had to get a 4cm deep hole cut out of my boob. Pray that doesn’t happen! But man, after I got out of surgery I felt soo good. I even made a lactation nurse who told me before surgery that I should still nurse…and I said “YOU THINK I CAN NURSE WITH THIS!” And flashe her my boob that had a HUGE black boil on it. Yeah she cried. And then that boob got retired…And you know what? I’m thinking if I ever have another kid, I don’t think I’m going to use that boob.
    Oh and crazy cousins. At least he didn’t do what my nephew did to his sister when she was two months old. He stomped on her face with his shoes on…
    Sorry, totally not meaning to “one-up” you on here! I second the emotion that Marlo is wonderful!

  • nyperso

    I had a friend who trained her kids to say “it doesn’t hurt” and just brush it off when they fell (small booboos, not the major stuff obviously). It felt a little weird to say “You’re OK” to them rather than “OMG, are you OK?” but it was amazing how they really did seem to just move on and made me wonder how much of our pain reaction is learned. Maybe Marlo illustrates something similar.

    On another, and silly, point. Every time I read the hate page I think: Heather, do you ever fall over in gratitude at the thought that so many people take time out of their obviously busy and highly successful lives to give you free medical advice about Leta’s “condition”? Jesus.

  • http://MamaRobot.etsy.com Amanda

    Marlo’s reaction reminds me of my 6 month old daughter. Grinning from ear to ear is how she handles everything! A wonderful quality in a person, I say.

  • Jill

    Ah, yes. My newborn just got into his first brawl, too. Today, in fact. The culprit? His 18 month old cousin Lucy. The weapon? Moo, Baa, La, La, La by Sandra Boynton. My baby screamed but shot what can only be described as a triumphant look at Lucy when I picked him up. He wears the angry red welt on his head with pride.

    My name is Jill, but Lucy calls me Jew. For three straight hours today I had this exact conversation:

    “Jew? Jew? JEWWWW!!!!!”
    “Yes, Lucy?”
    “Hi Jew.”

    Priceless.

  • Another mundane taint licking ass kisser

    Marlo is the cutest and is going to be SO lucky to inherit Leta’s adorable clothes ;)

    Also, I love the new Hate page – I read it as often as I read Dooce.com (and Blurb – hollah Jon!)I can’t believe the things people say to/about you and your family.

    I’m so glad to add to the page views.

  • http://www.winecat.typepad.com Cathy Carey

    Three cheers for Marlo, so cool, so collected, so cute!
    Adam however I would be tempted to lock in a room for a few years – that little dude has some serious “lack of attention problems” as in if I’m bad then people will give me attention, it doesn’t matter that it’s good or bad it’s attention.

  • http://www.winecat.typepad.com Cathy Carey

    Three cheers for Marlo, so cool, so collected, so cute!
    Adam however I would be tempted to lock in a room for a few years – that little dude has some serious “lack of attention problems” as in if I’m bad then people will give me attention, it doesn’t matter that it’s good or bad it’s attention.

  • carla

    Just wanted to say both of your daughters have beautiful eyes.

  • mj

    Before becoming a mom, I never thought there was much of a difference b/n little boys and little girls (well, besides the obvious). Anywhose, THERE IS A VERY BIG DIFFERENCE, and you just described it!

  • http://www.survivethemayhem.com SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem

    A big “yikes!” on your nephew’s behavior toward Marlo. So glad you didn’t end up with mastitis and SHINGLES! at the same time…that would be ridiculous. (blog fodder, natch, but still ridiculous.)

  • Sarah

    I love monetizing the hate. That is a masterpiece. I laugh and laugh. You are a bigger woman than I for being able to put up with that shit and laugh at it.

  • Aidyl

    I was watching Mercy the other night and I too thought the actress, Taylor Schilling, looked like Heather.

    http://www.nbc.com/mercy/images/placeholders/headTaylor.jpg

  • http://www.karenchatters.com Karen

    Those EYES!! I love her eyes. People pay money for eyes like that. Hopefully they’ll stay like that. Marlo’s gonna be a bad ass, watch out!!

  • Abbey

    Ass-kissing commences now: First, I love your blog & I’m not even a mom. I’ve got to tell you your kids are absolutely beautiful & their eyes? OMG. Marlo’s are so bright & clear & Leta’s eyes are insanely beautiful & I was just amazed when you posted that pic with the trees behind her. & now I see your babies every day and my ovaries are going to explode wanting babies so bad.

    I started reading your blog just after you had Marlo & then I started reading your archives, especially regarding baby Leta & your depression. Your story is really inspiring. I’m 25 & I’ve suffered with depression & eating disorders since I was 10. your posts regarding depression, as well as Jon’s post about dealing with a depressed partner, really pushed me to get back on medication. & I started on an SSRI in August & I’m so totally a lot better than I was. I had to decrease, though, because I was pregnant. I just had a miscarriage so i’m going to increase the dose again soon.

    And I totally have this horrible desire to compile all of your hate mails into one giant hate mail. I find it hilarious and quite sad that people complain that you are so narcistic. Isn’t this blog about your life? That’s just so strange to me. Why don’t people just stop reading your blog if they don’t like you? I guess it’s hard to hear sarcasm & exageration in print, but, my god, you are Queen Sarcaseration & if people don’t get that they should probably just go back to reading something that isn’t so complex, like Curious George or a children’s bible.

  • Anonymous

    #155 Nicole is right – Adam’s R&D Department is working on overdrive. I’ve worked with 12-18 month olds for a while now. There are two areas of development that are particularly interesting to them: 1. Gross motor – pushing, pulling, climbing, hitting, throwing, etc. & 2. Sensorial – Hey! This thing smells! Jingles! Screams! Smashes! Bangs! Squishes! etc., if I do x to it! (And after so many experiments, even my dog would know the more delicate items will bring the more satisfying reactions, both from the sound & look of the destruction of the item, to the faces & sounds of the adults in the room.)

    Kids this age do things we consider safe & innocent AND things we know to be dangerous & destructive over & over again because they are learning things we take for granted – basic cause & effect, gravity, etc. If we’re consistent with the rules we lay out for them, they also learn social laws – what’s acceptable & what’s not. Of course they’re going to look at you for your reaction before they try something. They want to know if the results are the same as they were the last time & the time before that.

    In our classrooms, we try to look at what developmental need the child is trying to meet with their destructive behavior & offer them a safe alternative. The vast majority of the time, it works like a charm, even with the “beastly” ones.

    Please reassure your brother that Adam is a perfectly normal 18 month old little boy. He is not a bad kid. On the contrary, he is aggressively exploring the world around him. If he were at any other age & hitting the appropriate developmental milestones in the same way, people would talk about how smart he was. So unfair that this particular age often goes misunderstood.