This would make a great episode of Dora
Was it Monday night? Tuesday? I don't remember, this week has been nothing but a blur with things toppling sideways and the surreal becoming even more surrealer, or maybe it's surrealier. How about sureally? I LACK THE PROPER ADJECTIVE. That is now going to be my answer when someone asks how's it going: I LACK THE PROPER ADJECTIVE. Like, something awful has happened, let's say, a loved one has died! And you say to yourself, Self! Take a deep breath! It's going to be okay! Except on the way home from talking to yourself, you lightly tap the back end of a car being driven by a raging asshole who immediately calls 911 and tells the cops he's paralyzed.
Not that this happened, but even if it did, I LACK THE PROPER ADJECTIVE.
I think it was Monday night that we attended my Granny Boone's viewing, and there I reconnected with hundreds of cousins I haven't seen in years including Nate, son of my mother's brother Lewis:
Nate is just a few years older than I am, is happily married with five kids, but none of that matters, and that is not why I'm bringing him up. Sure, he's cute and beyond charismatic, and you want him at your party even though he doesn't drink. He's the type of person who would strip naked and knock on your grumpy and spiteful neighbor's door in the middle of the night, not because he's drunk or because you offered him money to do so, but because the retelling of that story might make someone happy. He's like Human Prozac.
There! I FOUND AN ADJECTIVE! Wait, that's not an adjective, that's a metaphor. No, a simile? Whatever, THAT THERE WAS LITERARY, DAMMIT.
Okay, so Nate was around during the first visit I ever took to Utah, the first time I ever saw a mountain IN MY LIFE, back when I was an awkward fifteen-year-old, all elbows and knobby knees, back when I weighed ninety pounds soaking wet and the kids at school nicknamed me Skeletor. And my hair, oh dear Lord, an unruly thicket of curls that hung all the way to my waistline, messy, frizzy and caked with cheap styling mousse I'd buy at Walgreens. These details are important, I assure you, I'm not just writing them here to make myself uncomfortable, although it sure worked!
Nate was being a gracious host and giving my brother and me a tour of Snowbird Ski Resort. It was late August, so everything was green, and all the runs looked like huge bald spots scattered across the mountain. Around one curve we spotted a lingering patch of snow about as tall as a house several hundred feet up from the road. And Nate was all, OH YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! Let's go skiing!
Let's go skiing? DUDE. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SEEN A MOUNTAIN. But this was Nate, you see. The nude door-knocker, Nate. And to him this was the best idea he had ever had. Let's take someone who has only ever seen this kind of terrain in that one Robert Redford movie and throw her in with the wolves. A story is just bound to come out of this!
And that is exactly what happened: a story. Because when I hiked two hundred feet up to the top of that snow patch, I took one look down the side of the mountain and was all NUH UH. NO. NOT EVER. And as I stood there shaking my head, Nate hopped with both feet right into that snow and skied IN HIS SHOES to the bottom of the hill, remaining upright the entire time. You see, he grew up surrounded by mountains. Me? I grew up surrounded by trailers.
So he's standing there at the bottom of the hill waving his hand in an effort to get me to try it, and I'm not even looking at him. I'm gingerly walking sideways down the hillside beside the snow patch, trying not to trip on any rocks, when he cups his hands around his mouth and yells, "IF YOU RUN YOU'LL GET DOWN FASTER."
A declaration no different than, "IF YOU AIM THE GUN AT YOUR HEAD YOU'LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT."
And I don't know if it was the word RUN or FASTER, but something caused my left foot to disengage from my brain, and next thing you know I am tumbling head over foot down the side of the mountain. Like you might see in a cartoon. Bony elbows flying up and over knobby knees up and over a wad of hair that resembled a giant tumbleweed. I am certain that for the one hundred and fifty feet that I fell and fell and fell down that mountain that my brother and Nate could not make out was was rocks and sticks from the outline of my body. Like, wait? Where is she? Is that a bush or her head? Wait! There! I think I see an arm! Oh wait, that's a twig!
And then I landed, no joke, I am not even kidding, I LANDED IN A THORN BUSH. Face-first into a thorn bush. Seriously? I couldn't just fall down a mountain? I had to land IN A THORN BUSH! (Imagine me shouting that while making jazz hands. I'm just saying.)
Wait! That's it! I FOUND IT! Life right now?
IN A THORN BUSH!
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. Ellen said:
This girl from Pittsburgh says, "You're welcome, but thank YOU even more!"
xoxo
2. Claire said:
I have so many crazy memories with my cousins like that!
So sorry to hear about the passing of your grandmother.
3. Rachel said:
I am sorry life is so "IN A THORN BUSH". This is the wrong place for it, but that group protrait Jon set up and shot is beautiful and you guys should be very proud.
4. Kristina said:
Yeah, I've lived a version of that story. Only I peed my pants. In front of the entire 8th grade. But no one tells that story because I've done away with all the witnesses...
5. Labradoris said:
It's like your life has tumbled into a thorn bush? Huh.
I once went flying headfirst off my mountain bike into a tree, if that makes you feel better. No injuries, but I did literally end up hugging the tree. My cycling buds were able to call me "treehugger" all day long.
6. Maiken said:
I can barely imagine the spots of pain and relief...wow!
7. rbiggs said:
Your life should not be in a thorn bush. You will find a way out and somehow you will make it work for you too. We will all be waiting on the other side of the thorn bush.
8. Kathryn said:
so sorry to hear about your grandmother
and if you don't mind, I am totally stealing that analogy - I lost my mum in August and when people ask how I am doing (aside: why they ask that question I don't know because really? how in the hell do you THINK I am doing??)I reply "fine" and they seem all disappointed in that answer
from now on it's "life in a thorn bush right now, but thanks for asking"
9. Ellen said:
That's goofy - I'm responding to one post and I get bumped to the other!
In Pittsburgh, we'd call it a 'jaggerbush'
as in:
Sorry, I can't take a meeting with you or drive you to the mall, I'm in the jaggers right now.
10. Anonymous said:
Hilarious!!! Made me LOL really hard!
11. Katy said:
How in tarnation did you grow up in Tennessee without seeing a mountain?
12. Judith said:
I'm very sorry your gran died. But it's wonderful that you could help bringing everyone together for the funeral.
Mine died 9 months, and I keep missing her. We all (as far as possible) came together the same evening and had a kind of impromptu wake, and it was just wonderful to be with each other. We all were very sad, but most also had the feeling that it had come at the right time for her, so there was also a certain weird kind of happy mixed in.
Thorns and roses, I guess.
13. Creepy Mommy said:
That would be ass over tea kettle and I have a myriad of stories much like this one! Also, your cousin is smokin' hot!
14. Anonymous said:
I tried to post a comment on the other entry, but I can here: I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother.
15. Trickygringo said:
Opps, didn't close your cousine Nate's img tag :) The rest of the text is part of the pic tag. I hate it when I do that, bet you do as well.
16. Jenifer said:
Our deepest sympathy to you and your family. You're in our thoughts and prayers. xoxo
17. The Blushing Hostess said:
Oddly, many of my days leave me feeling this is exactly what has just happened to me :)
I will laugh about this for a long time - but not at your expense!
18. Lena said:
My heart breaks for you and yet you are still making me laugh! What spirit you have.
19. Megan Beth said:
I feel like life is saying to me 'fuck you' right now, I fear the thorn bush is next.
20. Anonymous said:
I would like to see that on an episode of Dora, it might make up for some of the annoying repetitive music, although with the shape of her head and the colors of her clothes she might look more like a hairy Mardi gras-esque football. (sorry dora, no bashing intended).
21. Claudia said:
Heather,
My sweet dear.
YOU GOT THROUGH NATURAL CHILD BIRTH.
You can get through this.
If it's any consolation, all of us whose lives are sucking it up right now, are right there with you. We can change the dirty diaper that is life together. With lavender baby powder and everything.
XOXOXOXO,
Claudia
22. robyn said:
Ohhhhhh my life is in a thorn bush right now too! I feel your prickly pain! xo
23. Heather said:
The best rear-ending I've ever seen is when my husband was backing out of a space in a parking lot and wasn't really paying attention, and hit another driver who was also backing out of a space and not paying attention. Their back bumpers collided, they both stopped, got out of their cars, looked at their rear ends and neither could distinguish the other dents from the one that had just happened, shook hands, got back in their cars and drove away.
I wish that had happened to you.
24. Cris said:
I know you didn't but please just lie and say you made up that story.
Sympathy ouch.
25. Not Steve McQueen said:
In the rss everything after the picture is a hyperlink to the flickr photo. I like the effect of MAKING SURE EVERYTHING YOU SAY LINKS TO THAT PICTURE or whatnot. Enjoy your photos and site.
Ha and your captcha is "boy's" and "mommies"
You guys think of everything.
26. Anonymous said:
Hubba, hubba, hubba!
27. Jane said:
Are there ANY unattractive or boring people in your family?
28. Jacquie said:
I might have to borrow that, I have an extremely difficult time coming up with analogies or metaphors or adjectives or whathaveyou that do not contain offensive swear words.
And I like the idea that people will probably think I'm too weird (or brilliant) to question me about my use of this unconventional phrase that perfectly explains my life at the moment.
29. Milla said:
sounds like the perfect title for your next best seller: My Life in the Thorn Bush. HOT!
30. kate said:
I am so sorry about your Granny. You were so blessed to have had her around to know your kids. I won't say it's going to going to get better, but it will get less bad.
31. sarah doow said:
I'm sorry about the metaphoriness of it, but that story was hilarious.
32. Anonymous said:
I cant wait to use that. Nate is handsome and you have a great looking set of aunts and uncle's in the family picture you posted earlier. Granny Boone would be proud.
PS my word verification for this post is "pulls that". Hmmmmm.....
33. Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said:
If there's a place you got to go
I'm the one you need to know
I'm the Map
I'm the Map
I'm the Map
If there's a place you got to get
I can get you there I bet
I'm the Map
Might help you find your way out of the thorn bush.
34. Cindy said:
I want to see a picture of that hair!!!
35. Holy said:
So sorry for your loss. If it's any consolation, Nate's hair looks like Alfalfa's.
A very cute Alfalfa!
36. Me2 said:
Is it just me or is your site down? Every time I try to go to dooce.com I get a weird page of code gibberish. I got here by googling dooce, then had to go to your About page then had to go to Archives and keep going to Newer posts until I finally arrived, weary and footsore (okay, maybe fingersore). Now, God knows I love you and your site but that's asking a lot to get my fix. Any suggestions? It's been happening for about 3 days now.
37. Ali said:
I spent time scrolling through your "hate" page and have to say that I am shocked that people are so mean. I am aware that people are dumb, but seriously... people actually take time out of their day to be that rude? How do you let it not get to you?
I'm a fan of your blog. I actually met your husband when I worked at Axiom. Technically, we didn't "meet" ... I was the receptionist (2005) and when he came in to see a friend, I about pooped my pants. It was the closest I'd ever been to a celebrity. Now, my family and I live in South Carolina and I'm spending my life listening to people who sound like you. You're a great Mom and talented writer.
38. MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt said:
Oh no, that is not the metaphor anyone wants for life right now. I would say hang in there, or time heals or one of those sentiments, but they all seem completely lame. So...I'm sorry.
39. Kitty said:
Oh Lordy! That's a great visual! I tell you when I can breath again!
40. The Prima Momma said:
I may be guilty of similar exploits.
I hope things start feeling better soon.
Ha - my words are wounded stoppage
41. Serial said:
I know we're not supposed to swear too much on this site, but, um, Fuck, dude. That sounds shitty.
42. Capricorn Cringe said:
I am stealing "I lack the proper adjective." Just so you know, in case you want to sue me or something :)
The way you find humor in most situations? That's what will get you through anything. And everything.
43. Marcy said:
I am in utter awe of people like you and Alice Bradley who, in the midst of immense sadness and pain, are able to still make the rest of us laugh.
I hope things get better for you soon.
44. Elizabeth_K said:
You are so funny despite your family's great loss. Glad you survived that long ago fall!
45. Renee said:
I truly hope that your being in a thornbush has nothing to do with those sad, sad internet trolls. Easy for me to say, I know, but "they're not worth it." Truly.
46. Jasie VanGesen said:
Your adolescence sounds epic. Mine is so dull in comparison.
47. Megs said:
Priceless.
48. cath said:
oh that was just what i needed. yes. the thornbush is a perfect way to describe life at this moment in time. i, too, remember my first visit to utah ... but i grew up in alberta, canada, so i didn't see mountains - i saw foothills.
49. Heather T said:
This was a great read. You have encouraged me that every awkward teenage girl has a crazy older cousin who likes to pick on her. Except for me, the teasing never stopped. I'm almost 40 for god's sake.
btw, isn't surreal an adjective?
50. RichardK said:
You better be keeping backups of your blog because if Wordpress or whatever you use were to go out of business, the world's Gross Good Writing and Fun Product would suffer a massive double-digit loss. I'm having a boring day -- perhaps because I'm a tired today -- and PRESTO! your blog post wakes me up.
Did I use the right adjectives?
51. Anonymous said:
Could have been worse could have landed in poop.
52. Figtron said:
Girl...love your nickname, 'Skeletor'. My cousin, Jim, had the skeletor castle and all the action figures. Hours of fun, I tell you.
At least you weren't given a nickname that referred to a bulbous, dancing piece of fruit. I was rather portly as a child, so my brothers decided to bestow me with a nickname. A nickname so inane, that to this day, I am still referred to by all my family members as:
"The Big, Fig Newton" The jingle has to be sung to achieve the full effect.
Fig for short.
I deal with thornbushes by lighting them on fire.
53. Evie said:
Had to share that my thorn bush was a very large anthill at the bottom of a very steep hill with a very sharp curve that neither my bike nor my body made it around. I still have the scars on my legs from skidding across the rocks at the base of said anthill. My only consolation was that it was much worse for the ants. I was messed up but at least no one caved in my roof.
This is the joy and the horror of boy cousins. The girls just steal (and sometimes mutilate) your barbies. Boy cousins mutilate you.
54. Mandy said:
Life landed in a thorn bush... what a fantastic way to describe what everything feels like currently. I think you took all those wobbly emotions floating around me, as well, and just laid them bare as they were meant to be known. Thankfully, we don't stay in the thorn bush... we ease our way out and take out the thorns, even if it's painful, because we know it'll be worse if we don't take them out.
55. Jenna @For The Love of Baby! said:
It is amazing the stories that come out when you are around family. And I think we've all "hit the thorn bush" before
I am sorry for your loss. We recently lost my Grandfather this year and it's been tough.
56. Lauren said:
Regarding adjectives...
Last May my roommate passed away. At his funeral people kept asking how other people were doing. I never really knew how to answer it until I heard someone ask his best friend. The conversation went something like this.
"How are you?"
"Purple."
"Purple....why purple?"
"Because it's a stupid fucking question."
It's always stuck with me, and helps when you can't think of the right adjective.
57. Nina said:
Your cousin Nate is hot. He makes me want to become a mormon. almost.
58. Janet said:
Loved the story. I'll bet it wasn't very funny at the time, but Nate is RIGHT! The retelling is so---wonderful! And you are a natural-born story-teller!
60. Kristan said:
I think #59 might be spam? But whatever.
That story? So NOT "in a thorn bush"!
61. jennyvroom said:
I've recently started incorporating jazz hands into several of my stressful daily routines... it really DOES take the sting out of it! xo
62. kath said:
We are so sorry for your loss. It is doubly sad that we only reconnect with the Nates in our lives when something like this has happened ... face first in a thorn bush indeed ... and after after a rough fall.
63. April said:
He doesn't drink? Really? That's too bad, because it means I can't justify inviting him to my trailer park hoe*ahem*HO-down (yeah, you haven't met my cousins ... there would be untoward bodily events involving cues, and I don't mean the dramatic kind). He will indeed be missed (by some more than others) ... him & his wholesome mormon hotness.
64. Amber said:
Stupid me and my grammar nazi-ness. I'm all hung up on the proper adjective thing. It would just be "more surreal." Whenever you use the word "more" before an adjective in order to compare two things, you don't add an "er" to the end. Adding an "er" to the end essentially gets rid of the need for the word "more," or is used when the word "more" would just seem awkward. For instance, you wouldn't say somebody was "more tall" than somebody else. They would just be "taller." But you wouldn't say something was "funner" than something else. It would be "more fun." So "more surreal" suffices. No need for surrealer. Definitely no need for the bastardization that is "more surrealer." Ouch. Even though I"m sure it was intended as a joke.
I just couldn't resist getting hung up on that, now could I?
65. NY,NY said:
oh, and I just googled "dooce sucks" as per the advice on you hate site, and November 8, 2006 is the MOST recent posting listed. You suck, huh? not so much, I am guessing. Keep doing what you're doing, it is obviously working for you, and your family. (and no, I do not have a life....)
66. Bob Keller said:
What is is that tells me that brother and cousin were laughing their asses off as you tumbled down that slope and peed their pants when you landed in the thorn bush.
Glad you found your adjective. Hope it soon becomes IN A HAMMOCK ON A SUNNY DAY!
67. Alyssa said:
It amazes me that even during such a rough time in your life, you're able to reach back to a ridiculously funny memory and make the internet world laugh hysterically. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I admire your positive attitude. Rock on!
68. Sparkless said:
LOL!!! You just reminded me of our sledding hill behind our house. It went straight down into some thorn bushes. You had to jump off the sled before you hit the thorn bushes. The older kids were good at it the younger ones were always being extracted from the thorn bushes in tears and torn clothing. Hee hee
69. Amber said:
Also, what you found is a good prepositional phrase, but not the proper adjective. :-)
70. Jenna said:
Oh Heather, if your faithful readers could only gather up their goodwill and smear it all over you so that IN A THORN BUSH was not currently a metaphor for you life, you do know that we would, don't you? I'm mean really. I'm just sayin'.
Jenna
71. Missives From Suburbia said:
You are like Human Prozac. I'm sorry things suck right now.
72. Tess said:
Geez. I bet it was a bloodied thorn bush.
I think in life (avec kids) we are always navigating in and around thorn bushes. You've just temporarily landed in a particularly nasty one.
Thanks for the good read.
73. Renee said:
I am truly sorry for your loss, but your cousin is HOT! Despite the fact that he is married and has 5 kids. Your blog continues to be awesome everyday.
Hang in there!
74. Rachel said:
Your cousin is TOTALLY HOT.
75. Kate said:
I do believe that there's a simile, but you're a fuckin' genius anyway. Terrific post.
76. Tay Talk said:
Loss=thorn bush...for sure. I feel ya.
77. Lisa Lawrence said:
I am so sorry about your gran. I just spent a little bit of time at your 'monetizing the hate' page. God, people *can* be cruel. Don't know how you do it, but I laughed out loud at your hilarious responses! Thank you for your humor.
78. Jared said:
Thorn bush... I can't think of anything worse.
79. Tess said:
Why do you have so many good looking relatives? Mine all look like pigs.
80. Barb McMahon said:
When my mum died and people asked, "How are you?" (and yes, it's an entirely stupid question) my brother would say, "As well as can be expected".
You can borrow it for those people who just don't understand the importance of the proper adjective.
81. Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said:
How do you make me laugh so hard? Thorn bushes are a drag - hope yours goes away soon.
82. A long time dooce fan and always will be said:
Hang in there!
All thornbush incidents make great stories isn't it.
Keep writing.
83. timmi said:
Much love to you and your family Heather. Thank YOU for all the joy you share here and even the not so joyful stuff. You are a blessing. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
84. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said:
Dude, the first time someone convinced me to climb a tree, I fell out into a rosebush. I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
85. marian said:
I rarely comment but this was really hysterical - and as the mom of 2 little girls myself I agree it would make a much better Dora than any that are out there right now. I'd love to see Dora fall face first into a thorn bush.
86. Lorena said:
I think that if you really cared about your readers, you wouldn't post pictures of really hot men who are taken and have five kids. That's just cruel, Heather. So cruel.
To make it up to me, um, all of us, next week should be a whole week dedicated to hot singles you know. Complete with contact information.
87. JR said:
Dude.
88. Bush Babe said:
I agree with a number of previous readers.
Heather B Armstrong is Human Prosac. Slightly addictive. Makes you smile even when she shouldn't.
Hugs to that skinny young girl. Look how far you have come.
:-)
BB
89. Anya said:
Heather, I'm sorry for your loss.
Your story, however, made me actually laugh out loud, in the midst of worrying about my baby's croup cough. So thank you.
Wishing you all good things. Jazz hands!
90. Maggie May said:
Thorn Birds!!!
Too random?
91. Wendy said:
Breathing is good because it helps you get in your body, in case you ever need, ehem, help with that. And if you didn't do it you'd, um, die. Hilarious story!!!!!!
92. Jane said:
hahahaha that made my day :)
93. Chriss said:
Dude, that's what you get for listening to men. Stay away from mountaians and thorn bushes! :)
94. Amanda said:
I'm so so sorry about Granny Boone.
95. Anonymous said:
I love how you had all that story and all that detail (and all that hair) and circled back around to what you started with (incl. rolling down the hill). Kind of like seinfeld, curb...just saying.
I am sorry for your loss.
96. Lynsie said:
Yeah, like the time I barfed on my 9th grade early morning seminary teacher while he was saying a prayer! Wearing a nice suit! One christine johnson also took some of the force of the projectile; but for that part, I was not sorry. Never liked her. Nothing like a cocktail of sunny delight and tylenol cold medicine to set your morning off to a good start.
WHILE SAYING A PRAYER
97. Arturo said:
Hey. Snowbird rocks. And make sure your kids have good snow/ice arresting skills...and you too. Uncontrolled sliding/rolling/etc can be extremely dangerous, esp. when not wearing a helmet. And isn't it about time to get Leta fitted into helmet, some boots and skis/snowboard? My daughter was tackling Alta/Snowbird by kindergarten. Not "tackling" really, but she could handle it. Love your site. And so do a lot of the people in my office. You, my dear, have reached "watercooler chat" status. Good going.
98. Sandi said:
How is that you can make even the worst disasters seem hilarious? That is why you make the big bucks girl! You are an awesome writer.
99. Anonymous said:
Heather, you are not the only one who has had this happen! When I was 10 I was playing chicken on my sweet ten speed against this girl, neither of us turned away and I flew over the curved handlebars and landed face down in a thorn bush!
My sister years later was in a car wreck where she was ejected out of the car and landed in...wait for it... yes a thorn patch. She was wearing my favorite sweater at the time, and yes I picked all those thorns out!
100. Candice said:
HAAAAH! I would love to hear the same story from your 15-year-old self.
101. Tamleeeeeeeeeee said:
oh to have cousins like nate! your nate is my uncle walter who would dare me to throw sand up in the air at the beach for fun! and when i did, all the heavy wet sand i threw came down on my face. in front of a group of other teenaged boys. how humiliating, but it is a story. and i just told it to you. :D
102. Belle said:
I once skied down a mountain with someone who did a tumble like yours and then HE (a male that is) landed straddling a tree. So. Could be worse. :)
103. Lilliah said:
WHOAAAAAAAA...until I got to the word "door", I totally just read that as "He's the type of person who would strip naked and knock up your grumpy and spiteful neighbor"
pfffff heheh
Nate sounds fun!
104. BOSSY said:
Bossy is feeling rather thorny herself.
105. Mary Anne said:
Where there are thorn, you may find roses soon. I am sorry that life stinks right now and the pain is so raw, but your Granny left you roses...they'll bloom soon.
Thank God for Granny, for crazy families and for thorns...without them, there wouldn't be roses.
hugs
106. artconstellation said:
Things will get better. I am sorry it is such a hard time- but things will get better.
107. binkyboogirl said:
I'm a loyal reader from Canada I may not always agree with everything you say, however, I don't agree with everything anyone says. Free will and all that. I am shocked at the nasty things that people say on the "Hate" thing you got happening. Seriously I'm sitting here dumbfounded by the fact someone, who obviously doesn't like you would take the time to read what you have to say and then take the time to write about how much they dislike you is it okay that I feel these people are retards? No that is an insult to retards everywhere.
108. Kristina C. said:
We need photos!
109. Lynnie said:
If I'm grumpy could he strip naked and come to my door?
Also, sympathy for you in this difficult time and may you and your beautiful family heal well.
110. Diana said:
Nate's a hotty. Jazz hands. Thorn bush. You're beyond hilarious.
111. Brooke said:
i'm kind of in the 'thorn bush, with no shoes, late for an important meeting, just got my period unexpectedly in white pants' stage of my life. welcome!
112. Jessica said:
I think I understand how you feel. I fell chin first, off a bike, into the rear end of a station wagon.
113. Anita said:
Dude, your cousin is fricking hot.
114. Katie B said:
You are making me wish I had more cousins growing up! I only had the boys on the street to goad me into doing things-I guess that's kind of similar. and No mountains growing up? You must be from WEST Tennessee.
115. Katherine said:
I might be stealing "IN A THORN BUSH!" And I shall use it without explanation... Yup. Think that's what I'm going to do.
Nevertheless, hope life crawls out of said thorn bush relatively soon. It sounds like absolutely no fun.
116. J, Bo said:
What an evil, evil, WONDERFUL cousin.
I've got one of those, too. Hey, are we maybe related?
117. HeadacheSlayer said:
Life in the thorn bush SUCKS. Especially when someone LIGHTS IT ON FIRE.
That was me last March when my MIL died suddenly of cancer-induced stroke. My whole world went numb. And then I kept falling, and just when I thought I couldn't keep falling, THORN BUSH ON FIRE. Grandmother diagnosed with cancer. My emergency gallbladder surgery. 14 year old pets passing away.
I swear with all my heart you will crawl out of it. You'll have scratches and scars, and it hurts so much for so long. But you will make it.
Sending all the love and strength I can offer.
118. gemmacharlotte said:
This right here, this story of woe and thorns and awkward moments in life made more awkward by your family is why I love reading your blog.
You're a rock star Dooce.
119. Connie said:
Sorry for your granny's passing. Your cousin is adorable and I could use a little human Prozac - send him on over.
Thanks for sharing him.
Connie
120. Jean said:
I'm sorry for your loss.
And ouch!
121. Jennifer M. said:
I feel your pain. That sound exactly like something I'd do.
122. Dee said:
CLASSIC!!!!
Oh and Nate is HOTTTTTT
123. Meredith said:
Ouch, that mountain experience is the least fun mountain experience -- except for maybe the skiers who ram into trees, but it's still pretty bad. It's also a rather painful analogy. Luckily, time is good for healing the heart.
124. Mo said:
Say it with me: Mountain...Thorn Patch...Proper Adjective!
Where are we going?
THE THORNY THORN PATCH!
Where are we going?
THE THORNY THORN PATCH!
:-(
PS: Does Nate have a rental fee?
125. Jacqueline said:
The story is great and all but what strikes me the most seeing these family photos lately is how good looking you all are.
As my Alabama grandmother often states, "Ain't none of us ug-leh!"
126. Michelle said:
That's right up there with falling ass first into a giant cactus because your genius step brother said you'd be great a breaking that new horse your dad bought. Stupid horse. Stupid brother.
127. Carra said:
My friend also fell down a mountain at snowbird. Luckily for her, she didn't end up in a thorn-bush, but she did a good barrel-roll for hundreds of feet and only stopped because of a well placed gully. God, I love Snowbird!
128. Anonymous said:
I was taught...clothe the naked. If Nate showed up naked on my doorstep - I'd open the door and GIVE him clothes! HE IS HOT!
129. Megan said:
All my cousin ever did was jump out of second story windows into leaf piles. I never followed.
130. Tina said:
I am very sorry to hear about your Granny.
Also, I went over to the hate page and it is vile. I'm sorry people are fucking losers.
131. B said:
Sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I too lost my grandma last month and saw quite a few relatives I hadn't seen in years (and we live in the same city!)..lol...and then I realized why I keep my distance from some, those stories and teases..ahH!! lol
132. Katherine SOLO dot MOM said:
I think this is one my new fav posts on your site! Nate... I want one of him at every family reunion I ever have to go to ever!!!
133. Anonymous said:
I was just reading the "Hate" section and laughed out loud at the lady who Googled "dooce sucks." Really? Is that all she has to do with her life/time? Wow, must really suck to be that much of a loser to keep coming back to a site that she dislikes so much. When I dislike a site I simply don't go back. But I guess that's what normal, level-headed people do!
134. Sheila McCann said:
Sorry for your loss~
I love the way you seemlessly flow the past and the present together with humor and insight. Oh, and Nate's picture was enjoyable as well!
135. Lu said:
Sorry for your loss...And for the thorn bush. Ouch.
136. Elizabeth said:
Ouch.
I'm sorry for the loss of your granny.
And I lack the proper adjective for the mysterious thorn growing out the top of your cousin's head. "Cute" is close-ish but not precise enough for what I'm trying to say here...
137. Sasha said:
Sorry about your Granny, Heather. At least you're not alone in that thornbush...look over here! I'm waving!
138. Crystal @ Simply Being Mommy said:
Sorry to hear about your loss :(
139. Amy said:
That's one handsome bloke right there! I hope his wife appreciates the eye candy. :)
I wish you the best, Heather, and I'm sure things will be looking up in no time. Take care.
140. Anonymous said:
I don't have a blog site, I am not an ASS kisser or a *oh my god I am not even going to SAY it* licker,
nor am I a sheep. I rarely comment on here because I just don't have time, but I enjoy your blog very much.
That being said, I don't know how much more I can stomach the hate section. It's horrible. It is just one huge fat aching reminder that the human race has actually not evolved very much past the BURN HER AT THE STAKE! period and it scares the crap out of me. People actually take the time to write hate mail to a blogger who writes stories about her life, when they can just NOT read it, or just not visit her site.
Its weird. really creepy actually.
okay, and your story was really funny, but after I read it, I went into the hate section and now thats all I can think about. why does some random bitch even care what your hair looks like? WEIRD AND CREEPY!
141. sima said:
Is everyone in you family gorgeous or do you just take fantastic pictures?
142. MSH said:
My grandmother passed away 20 years ago and I still miss her. Thanks (as always) for writing it down.
143. Sarah V said:
You have so much love and support from family and followers! I hope that helps during this difficult time.
I also feel the Hate section is just getting more and more disturbing. I'm so sorry you have to put up with that. What a bunch of useless assholes.
144. USC2000 said:
Heh - thorn bushes. I learned how to ride a bike with the "aid" of a thorn bush, deerbrush to be exact.
We were camping up in the mountains and I was at the stage where I had the training wheels pretty much at their highest possible point - next step two wheels. My dad and grandfather decided that it was time to take the training wheels off and take me out on one of the bike paths in the campground - no cars, no curbs, just bike path. Uh huh.
Dad: "Don't worry, it'll be fine - just ride down to Grandpa! I'll hold onto your seat until you get the hang of it! Hey, look, you're doing it by yourself!"
Me: Wha-huh?
Bike: Oh, I like the look of that spiky bush over there, let's go check it out! CRASH!
And that explains how, after the 2 hours my mom and grandma spent picking thorns out of my legs, arms, hands, and one out of my face, I finally learned how to ride my bike - I wasn't falling into any more deerbrush. To this day, I give that stuff a wide berth.
145. Jess said:
how time flies , doesn't it.
146. John Duke said:
I think that tale would be a better fit for the SNL version of Dora. After she landed in the thorn bush she would brush herself off, stand up, and say something like, "Did you know my father takes anti-depression pills?" with her quirky intonation.
148. Parsing Nonsense said:
Yeah, losing a loved one definitely sucks. So does landing in a thorn bush. You'll get through it the same way you got through falling into a thorn bush: You'll heal a little more every day, even though at first you just feel hopelessly oozy and quite possibly infected.
149. Anonymous said:
I just promised myself I would not look at the hate site anymore because it just makes me sad. I love reading your stories and am shocked that there are people in the world that are so angry and mean. I'm sorry you have to put up with them all the time. Please keep writing.
Sorry about your grandma...
150. Passementerie said:
I'm very sorry that you lost your grandmother, but it seems that you are finding what I found when I buried my mother last year - that a funeral is a wonderful time to reconnect with family and close the gaps that grow between family members over the years. I will even go so far as to say that they have the edge over weddings in this respect as they are, well, purer, if you know what I mean.
151. Mary-Catherine said:
So sorry to hear about your grandmother...and the thorn bush.
I absolutely love your new hair...there's just nothing cuter than a good pixie. I would love to get my hair cut like that but there is no way I could pull it off.
I'll never understand the people who say such horrible things about you, or so obviously hold a grudge over the fact that you make money off of your blog...owning a blog that receives income is really no different than say, writing a book, or having a television show...and the coolest thing about that is, if you don't like it, you don't have to read/watch it. Pretty simple! A lot more simple than sitting at your computer and trying to come up with something hatefully clever to say about someone you have never met. I cannot imagine how sad a life must be when it is so consumed with hatefulness.
The fact that you continue to write, unabashed, is exactly why I like/admire you so much.
152. girlplease said:
Wow. Nate IS hot and sounds wonderful. Shame he's married.
153. Casey said:
I think IN A THORN BUSH is quite a good descriptor. Sending you and your family love from the East Coast, and hoping that life will pull itself out of those thorns for you.
154. Linda Atkins said:
I'm enjoying the lovely photos of your family--you are a fine-looking bunch! It also seems rather brave of your family to let their images be shared here. I was really kind of touched by the picture of your father and his wife. Very nice!
155. Rob said:
Dammit Heather, when are you going to introduce the hawt gay cousins in your family? STOP THROWING THE NATE CANDY AT ME!
156. Pam said:
Yes, those are a couple of really nice portraits of your family that Jon took. Did you really do the SHINGLES! dance to get your Dad to smile?
Nate is very cute, for sure. I bet he helped you out of the thorn bush rather than point and laugh like some nasty mean ole brothers and cousins can be!
Backpack! Backpack!
158. Melissa, the blogger said:
I just wanted to say that I've enjoyed your blog so much. It's been a great inspiration and was the catalyst for starting my own new Mom blog. I have a 10 week old boy so I enjoy reading what you've been experiencing this time around. It helps Moms know they are not alone and I particularly love the no holds barred, honest approach to your writing!
159. Nicky said:
Um, I just looked at the Hate page and nearly started crying and had to stop after the first two entries. I can't believe how horrible and mean people are. I guess I thought I'd get a chuckle out of the stupidity, but instead I just feel so sad. Kudos to you for being able to handle such a tirade -I feel empty and the stuff wasn't even directed at me. So, sending virtual hugs.
160. Surge said:
You fell in a thorn bush?
I fell down a hill.
Into a pile of red ants.
While bleeding.
I feel like making a song for everybody who's ever fallen down a hill, only to be serenaded by some bush (or pile) with all the right intentions: To add to the irony to the situation so we can go HA! later.
It's like the cherry just has to be added to the cake. Honestly? I fucking hate metaphorical cherries.
161. Lori said:
Heather - you and your family are in our prayers. I just finished looking at the Hate page before I read this new entry. I can't believe people can be so vile!!! Keep your head high and keep doing what you do. There are so many more of us out here who enjoy your blog and hope only good things for you now and in the future!
162. Laura said:
A big huge hug for making me smile even when you're "in a thornbush." I am one-week new to your blog - thank you for sharing so much and with such humorous eloquence!
163. Shannon said:
Ahhh family. Our cousins are like that too we each take turns in the "story chair" and tell funny- humiliating stories about each other. It's great!
Nothing like humility to help heal the grief of the passing of a dear loved one.
Thinking of you and your family.
164. Sara @ The Football Wife said:
Me & Danger don't mix -- You're brave for trying! I would have booty skiied to the bottom.
165. Wonder's Mom said:
Best compliment I ever received was when my boyfriend/baby-daddy/more-significant-than-any-other called me Human Vicodin. As a pharmacist and occasional prescriptee of such, I find it a very nice thing to be called. So is Human Prozac (and yours is so pretty in picture form).
Loved your story. The adjective that came to me right about paragraph twelve though, was 'akimbo'. As in arms and legs and frizzy hair all... Now I can't stop saying it. akimbo.
166. Anonymous said:
Wondering how such a large amount of the comments on your monetizing the hate page are about John... Poor man!
We love you John!
167. Babs C. said:
I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother, Heather. And you know what? You're very lucky after all. Some of us, like me, grew up far away from relatives.
The structure of my family is small and it was always about me, my sister, my brother, my mom and my dad. Though it was a small group, we still had lots of fun riding our country and getting to know nature on our weekend's family trips!
In the end, it really is all about love. :)
Greetings from Brazil!
168. Anonymous said:
I'm the grumpy and spiteful neighbor. I'm waiting for that knock on my door. Where's that human Prozac?
169. Lilliah said:
#140. Anonymous made a statement about the Hate page that really caught my attention:
"I don't have a blog site, I am not an ASS kisser or a *oh my It is just one huge fat aching reminder that the human race has actually not evolved very much past the BURN HER AT THE STAKE! period and it scares the crap out of me"
Heather, I think that seeing it all in one big pile of venom-filled nastiness really gives us perspective on how it must affect you. There have been times when I've read something someone wrote about you, and I could kinda-sorta understand how someone who was really constipated and had a lot of misdirected anger might easily make assumptions about you and spew out some randomness about it, but seeing it in an endless stream like that should make anybody who is remotely thoughtful or reflective about themselves stop for a second and wonder WHY THE HELL they are writing such useless crap. I get it- some people are upset about your overpriced etsy throw pillows, and they think you should be with a gross manly-man who grabs his crotch while watching football and yells at you to get him a beer or something (or whatever their idea of a "man" is.. I'm guessing I don't even want to know!), but at this point it's, like, getting really OLD, isn't it? I know you've been reading this shit for years, but I feel like my eyes are going to roll back in my head if I read one more post about your chin or how you think Leta sucks and you don't deserve your money- it's so moronically REPETITIVE. Just you wait- I bet that some day you'll find yourself with a whole new group of angry followers who hate you because your Hate page is too boring and repetitive!
170. Lisa said:
Heather, I am sorry about your grandmother and hope that your family can celebrate her life along with the grieving. I also wanted to comment how glad I am that you're no longer commenting on the "hate" page. It's funny to read (those people are crazy with nothing better to do) and glad you're above the fray. Love from Chicago!
172. Linnnn said:
The Boy Cousins wanted to marry me at first. I am told I was ok with that until after lunch they lured me out on a sandbar in the middle of a river in Missouri in my new red cowgirl boots. I sunk up to my waist in the sand/mud as the boy cousins ran gleefully away. At dusk my Uncle Bob found and liberated me, leaving my red boots behind in the vacuum grip of the mud. And I had peed my pants at least twice during the hours that went by. Life metaphors a'poppin'!
173. Lisa T. said:
Oooh, I don't know.
Today on Dora, Dora's abuela passes away. Can you show us how Dora gets down the mountain? You can do IT. Good JOB, top of mountain, sticks and gravel, THORN BUSH, emergency room. You helped Dora find her way down the MOUNTAIN!
Hey I guess you're right, that WOULD make a good Dora. Sorry I doubted you!
So sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Take care of you.
Smiles,
Lisa
174. gorky said:
You use the caps lock MUCH better than Kanye. We need to see that hair. You know that, don't you?
175. anonymous said:
You need to write for stand up comedians.
I was laughing by butt off.
You're wicked funny, I was my lol and annoyed everyone sitting near me.
Thanks for the vision of you as a teen, and good thing you grew into the most amazingly beautiful adult. :)
176. Renee said:
This is why I hate snow and winter. Bad things happen! It's cold and wet, and seriously what part of that sounds like fun?
Story A: My little brother was sledding one day, and was not paying attention to where he was going. He sled under our wooden fence (you know the ones where the splintery wood rails fit into the slots of the splintery wood poles). When he came out the other side, his neck and chin were covered, COVERED, in splinters!
Story B: When my husband was in high school, he went skiing for the first time. He and his friends got to the slopes and Steve decided that he didn't need a bunny slope. He went straight for the The black diamond, first time on skis ever! He ended up doing one of your tumbleweed stunts that landed him in the ER. He now has a scar on his lip and has to wear a retainer with a fake tooth in it. He's not skied since then.
Dora should not play in the snow!