The cat troll goat diet
Due to a combination of factors, most of which have to do with horrible life-altering catastrophes, I have somehow reached my pre-pregnancy weight. I don't recommend this diet. It's not nearly as bad as the one I was on after Leta was born, the Let's Think About Committing Suicide Every Hour diet, but it's pretty bad and requires that you lose a loved one and suddenly wake up one morning with a flesh-eating disease.
Wouldn't you rather just cut out the carbs?
This diet also requires that you listen to this noise for at least 10 hours a day (Warning: this is 60-second clip of a four-month-old whining. If you are not prone to seizures or violence, you will be after listening to this once.)
I've put off organizing my closet until I reached this point, but even now a lot of my clothing still doesn't fit right. Everything in my midsection has sort of shifted around, and where there was once a curve there is now a 1973 Chevy Van covered in airbrushed flames careening around that curve, and it's being chased by a swarm of local police who are steering with one hand while clutching a donut in the other.
All of my big jeans fit, sort of. Meaning that in order to walk while wearing them I have to perform a ridiculous acrobatic dance of squats and lunges to stretch them out enough that I can bend my knee. Also, I'm not ever washing them again because then they'd shrink that centimeter or two, and BOOM I'm back to wearing my maternity pants and people at the grocery store are asking me when I'm due. Oh I'm due, alright. FOR SOME WAFFLE FRIES.
Anyway, I was trying to avoid thinking about all the crap raining down around my ears the other day, and I got into the organizing mood. And you seriously do not want to screw with me when I am in that mood, not if you enjoy the arrangement of limbs on your body, no. I remind myself of my mother when I get into that mode. You know that woman, the one who sold more Avon products that anyone else in the world? Yeah, when I was growing up and she was scrubbing the bathtub, my siblings and I would hide in the closet because the violent squiggly lines around my mother's body were likely to disfigure our faces.
I was a mad woman, throwing out shirts and odd sweat pants that had been accumulating for years, and then I got to my underwear drawer, OH HELL YES I'M GOING THERE. Turns out that the majority of the weight I gained during pregnancy amassed itself in my butt, and for the first time in my life I had one! You can't tell from any of my pregnancy pictures that my butt doubled in size, but that's only because it was so small to begin with that even when doubled it was still invisible to the naked eye.
It boggled the minds of scientists!
And holy horse balls, that underwear is huge! Massive! As elephantine as my ego! I took one pair, pulled it over my head, stuck my arms through the leg holes, and suddenly I'm wearing a toga! A toga with tiny puppies and hearts and an elastic pink lining that is long enough to measure the coastline of Africa.
Who wore those things?! I DID. I wore those things! And why didn't the person sleeping next to those things say something about it? Like GOOD GOD, WOMAN, HAVE YOU NO DIGNITY.
Point is. Pre-pregnancy weight! Sort of. Yay!
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FM Living
Linda said:
Congratulations! I can't seriously be the first to comment, can I?
10.15.09 - 01:47 PM / 1beth said:
I find you very entertaining, and am somewhat addicted. Since Marlo was born, you do not satisfy my cravings enough. More Dooce, please! Update more often.
10.15.09 - 01:48 PM / 2Debbie said:
Ooh, that audio clip is really annoying. I am deterred from having children. For now. Until you post another picture of her, or write a really heartwarming post about her and Leta.
Also, congratulations on your ass. :)
10.15.09 - 01:50 PM / 3Suzanne said:
I've only had one baby and things have already moved in ridiculously strange ways. Why do my hip bones point in separate directions? Not that anyone can SEE my hip bones, mind you, but they totally do.
Can you throw those old sweatpants this way? I'm suffering from a severe sweatpant shortage.
10.15.09 - 01:51 PM / 4Milla said:
i would rather be at my fresh-out-of-college weight, but that would require subsisting on a daily diet of cigarettes and coffee, with vodka binges on the weekends. oh the good old days!
sorry, got carried away. what i meant to say is, "congratulations!!!" that and "i now want waffle fries, too."
10.15.09 - 01:52 PM / 5Tracylea said:
Not an easy achievement. yea for you and I think maybe you were wearing my underwear during pregnancy (woah, that was way creepy now that it's said). I am not pregnant. my ass is large (but enjoyable to look at as long as it is covered in denim). My underwear scares me on a daily basis as I wonder how in the hell my ass ever got that big (but it has been for years I just apparently wore underwear to small for it).
Anyway, congrats to you and your ass from me and mine.
10.15.09 - 01:52 PM / 6Beth said:
I just played the sound of Marlo whining while my 4 month old whined from the bouncy chair beside me. He actually stopped whining to listen, so I suppose I can thank you for 60 whine free seconds. Except that I was listening to Marlo, too, so... Hhmm... maybe they weren't 60 whine free seconds after all. Crap.
10.15.09 - 01:55 PM / 7Hope said:
For the smiles, tears, and laughs - thank you!
10.15.09 - 01:55 PM / 8Kelly said:
Yay! Pre-pregnancy weight! I am still 12lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight, and my baby is 8 years old! I'm gonna get there though - I've lost 24lbs so far this year. The funny thing is that I hadn't realized that I had gotten so big/huge!
10.15.09 - 01:55 PM / 9Michelle said:
Congrats! But that post made me want waffle frys (with fry sauce, because I'm a Utah girl).
10.15.09 - 01:56 PM / 10Lyndsey said:
Oh how I remember those days and months of the constant whining. Hang in there!
I wouldn't throw those pregnant panties away just yet. Not until Jon gets the snip. :P
10.15.09 - 01:56 PM / 11Me2 said:
Wait until your girls are teenagers and (assuming you are still doing their laundry) you have to fold their thongs. No one tells you about that in any "What to Expect" book.
10.15.09 - 01:57 PM / 12Julie said:
I hope you start feeling more peace and that your life will be catastrophe-free! I am sorry that you have hit rough times :( thank you for sharing in the midst of your trying times - and for brightening our days even in the midst of your crummy ones. Hang in there Dooce!
10.15.09 - 01:58 PM / 13Linda said:
By the way, you're a saint for living with that noise and not throwing the one who's producing it out of the window. But then again, she is very cute. I'm thinking that might just really help her case.
10.15.09 - 01:59 PM / 14Jessica said:
Congratulations on the pre-pregancy weight! I understand it's not an easy feat.
You've scared me with your horror stories of butt-biggening, though. As my butt is already the size of the European Union, any increase thereof will kind of breach the idea of proper body proportions.
I will become one of those ladies whose back is half flabby shoulderblades, half butt, and I will wear tapered khakis and rose-colored glasses, and tunics with sequined pictures of sunsets. Oh, the life I have to look forward to after my first pregnancy.
10.15.09 - 02:00 PM / 15VirgoMommy said:
Good for you to be back to your prepregnancy weight. It's been 2 yrs since my 2nd baby girl and I'm still trying to lose the weight. I joined a spin class 3 months ago and have lost only 5lbs, only 20 more pounds to go!
I need to get to the gym more often, but with a teenager, toddler and husband, I never seem to find the time. LOL
I luv to read your blog and tweets, it always makes me smile.
10.15.09 - 02:00 PM / 16Marianne said:
I don't know what happens to a body during pregnancy ... somehow, later, weight doesn't matter. It's a number. And clothing will never fit the same EVER AGAIN.
Also? Due for waffle fries. HAHAH ... Spit all over my monitor with that one. Thank you.
10.15.09 - 02:01 PM / 17Betsy said:
Seriously? I feel like you update all the time! Just wanted to throw that out there.
Also - I'm offended that you closed comments before I had a chance to say How the HECK would you ever make your dogs look like The Giving Tree and the kid who took everything away from The Giving Tree?? Fantastic idea though. I'll have to stick with Jon and Kate.
10.15.09 - 02:01 PM / 18kim said:
I can only imagine what might have become of your husband if he dared to mention your dignity and your underpants in the same sentence during the last couple of months of your pregnancy. Woah.
10.15.09 - 02:04 PM / 19Dawn said:
Congratulations!
24 years after giving birth, I have yet to reach my pre-pregnancy weight. Perhaps old age will help with that. Eventually.
*sigh*
10.15.09 - 02:05 PM / 20Christina said:
Congrats! You are so freakin funny, I was hoping for a picture of you with your lovely underpants on your head :)
10.15.09 - 02:06 PM / 21Andi said:
Congrats on getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight. I have the same issue with parts moving all over too. I used to have a pretty hot "ghetto booty" as it was referred to many times, and a semi-flat stomach. Now their roles have reversed and I have a semi-flat booty and a ghetto-licious tummy. I should have said "their ROLLS..."
10.15.09 - 02:07 PM / 22Stephanie said:
I've only been coming here for about two years, but I think this just might be my favorite post ever, only because of the copious amounts of exclamation points. Awe!Some!
(I'm serious and not being a hater, I don't want to be confused with the hater crowd.)
10.15.09 - 02:07 PM / 23Chrissy said:
Congrats on the weight loss, even though the path you took to get there wasn't the best one. :)
10.15.09 - 02:08 PM / 24Kate said:
Ha!! I am only 5 months pregnant and quickly growing out of my cute undies. I went to buy new ones yesterday and realized that the size I need is an XL. I put them back on the rack and slowly backed away. I am not ready yet.
10.15.09 - 02:08 PM / 25Anonymous said:
bitch
10.15.09 - 02:12 PM / 26Heather said:
A small part of me thought you were exaggerating about the goat noise, but you are TOTALLY right!
10.15.09 - 02:14 PM / 27Jill Put Up A Blog said:
Eek! 5 months prego here - scared, very scared. always been the same weight since high school (over 10 years ago), have never grown out of a pair of pants until now and here I am wondering - how is this all going to end? Give me another fudge bar please!
10.15.09 - 02:16 PM / 28Liz said:
Good for you Heather!
10.15.09 - 02:16 PM / 29Chanel said:
how you had a second child is beyond me
10.15.09 - 02:16 PM / 30