Forever a family of four
Where do I begin. Wait, let me check and see if I've had enough coffee... oh you shut it. I've already admitted that I continue to drink coffee while nursing. Just don't tell my mom about all that Mountain Dew. She'd FLIP.
So a few months ago, I'd say the morning we brought Marlo home, I told Jon that while I had enjoyed and would recommend having a natural childbirth, that I was in no way, under no circumstances, not ever, NUH UH, going to do it again. And that in order to make sure that the future played out in this exact way, he was going to have to hold up his end of the bargain. It was his turn. Dude needed to have a certain procedure taken care of, because I've heard that condoms and birth control are not one hundred percent effective, and you know what is? Say it with me conservative Christians: ABSTINENCE!
Related tangent: I don't know if I have told you this story before, but in Los Angeles I had a very close friend who'd grown up in Valdosta, Georgia, and every summer she attended Bible School at a local Baptist church, and they'd hold rallies for Jesus that included one group of children screaming, "WHEN I SAY JESUS, YOU SAY JESUS. SAY, 'JESUS!'" And then another group of children across the room would scream, "JESUS!" Kind of like cheerleaders at a football game, except Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was the one passing the ball.
I don't know why I love that chant, but I do, I LOVE IT, maybe because Mormons would never participate in something so blatantly irreverent. You just can't go tossing around the Lord's name like that, haven't you read the ten commandments? I think it's the one right after THOU SHALT NOT DRINK COFFEE. Oh, wait. Wrong book. Doesn't matter. All I know is I love shouting JESUS! Almost as much as I love shouting SHINGLES!
So a couple of weeks ago Jon went in for a consultation with a urologist and saw some weird, funky movie starring men in very tight European shorts, apparently, I don't know, I wasn't there, I'll let him tell you that part of the story. And then yesterday we drove down to the same hospital where I delivered Marlo for his vasectomy. We'll get to that part in a second, but first, I cannot even begin to explain how nauseated I felt when we turned the corner and I saw that hospital. Like, hobo on a bourbon binge fell off the train and woke up naked next to the dumpster outside of IHOP nauseated.
Yes, this is now The Hobo Blog.
Because last time I was there I was having contractions so violent that I was certain I was going to look down and see that the lower half of my body had been ripped off all while Leta was in the back seat going WHY IS MOM MAKING THAT NOISE?! So when we pull into the parking lot I involuntarily turn toward the empty back seat and go MOMMY IS FINE! MOMMY IS FINE!
If THAT isn't a picture of someone perfectly sane.
So Jon is lying there on the operating table – hoo! I know I'm not a guy and I cannot relate, but if I had balls I think I'd rather not ever have them and the words OPERATING TABLE in the same sentence – nude from the waist down, and I'm sitting in a chair next to him, holding his hand, situated just enough below the table that I don't have to see anything. Because, you know, I'D LIKE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.
And remember, Jon almost fainted once when a nurse approached him with a needle to draw his blood. Not when she put the needle in his arm. WHEN SHE WALKED UP TO HIM. So you can imagine the wincing and almost losing consciousness that was going on as the doctor prepped his tray full of scissors and scalpels and KNIVES AND GUNS AND GRENADES!
Jon is out of breath, sweating, clutching my hand, and I am doing everything I can not to laugh. Because the doctor has not even touched him yet. And I'm trying SO HARD to be the support that he needs when suddenly the doctor gently drops a wet, sanitary wipe directly ON THE AREA (notice: I have not once used the word NADS, BOW BEFORE MY RESTRAINT) and Jon jumps three feet into the air. Literally. Every limb of that 6' 3'' body came off that table. What did it look like? Remember when Kramer would clumsily open the door to Seinfeld's apartment? THAT.
And that doctor is all, DUDE, it was a napkin! OH MY GOD. I felt like I was trying to muffle my laughter during the eulogy at a funeral!
The cringing and flailing limbs continue as the doctor injects a local anesthetic ON THE AREA, and then when he performs the dreaded poke test Jon flatlines on the table. Dead. Gone. And then he suddenly comes back to life with a hearty WATCH IT, BUDDY!
That's exactly what he said. WATCH IT, BUDDY. And it seemed so appropriate, like, he couldn't have phrased it better, because when someone is holding a scalpel over your balls? What do you call him? STAN? JOE? NO. YOU CALL HIM BUDDY. Buddy and your balls. THE TWO GO TOGETHER.
I imagine Jon felt like he was staring at a gun and was trying to calm the mugger down. Like, buddy, listen. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, buddy. Please don't kill me. Here, take my wallet, buddy. Just leave me my balls.
And this is the part I will not ever forget, the best part, the climax of the vasectomy, no pun intended. Jon is going OW! OW! OW! STOP! OW! STOP! STOP! And the doctor holds up both hands, steps a foot away from the table, and goes I AM NOT EVEN TOUCHING YOU. He waves both hands in the air to prove it, and Jon feverishly looks up through the sweat that has now flooded his eyes and goes, "Oh. Okay."
And then I was done, I had my head between my knees and I let it all out, the laughing until I cried, the guffaws, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. My poor little bunny:
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Heather talks about Valentine's Day on today's Momversation.
- I know zero about sports, but my entire heart is screaming, "Go Saints! Go Saints!" I am a stereotypical woman. TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, JON!
- Marlo has a tooth! So says the blood that she drew when she grabbed my hand and tried to gnaw off my thumb!
- Leta won't eat her birthday cake. I guess we should have made it out of chicken nuggets and iced it with refried beans.
1. Anonymous said:
FIRST
2. Daddy Scratches said:
I know firsthand that there's nothing pleasant about getting a vasectomy ... but, good god, it is EVER SO MUCH BETTER than the fear of more children!
(Frozen peas, Jon. Frozen peas.)
3. Elinda said:
Well, he deserves it after what he put you through! I'm not even taking my baby daddy to the doctor for the big V. I'm going to do it myself. With a steak knife.
4. Emily said:
that is HILARIOUS! i'm going to have my DH read this later. he just had his consultation yesterday and has the big "procedure" next month. i'll have to ask him about that video...
5. Louise said:
Wow, I am from Valdosta, Georgia and was raised Baptist. That really made my day. I always refused to participate in the chanting.
6. Jasie VanGesen said:
Best story ever.
7. Sandi said:
That was the best thing I've read in a long damn time! Thank you Jon for going through HELL so we could laugh at you!
8. jennifer said:
JESUS!
9. Jillian said:
Awwwww.....snip snip. Doesn't it make you just a little, eensy, weensy, bit sad?
10. Jenn said:
Oh Heather, I really needed that laugh this morning. Thank-you.
Or should I thank Jon?
11. Laurie said:
I am so not letting my husband read this. He's NEEDS a vasectomy (read: I will not have a third child, and I will not take BC much longer) and he's more nervous than when they took him into the OR so he could donate a portion of his liver to our son. Sheesh!
12. Katrina said:
See I always viewed the shouting of "JESUS!" as something one might do after being hit with a baseball in the nuts, or say, during/after a vasectomy. Perhaps with the addition of "EFFING CHRIST!"
Not something one would do just for THE HELL of it. Baptists are weird.
13. Disposable Wombat said:
My story....
The whole procedure is done. Nothing but cleaning up. The nurse comes in with a silver spray can, shakes it, then sprays. I am suddenly alive and wide-eyed as nerve endings THAT I THOUGHT WERE ASLEEP screamed to life. I give the nurse a WTF? look and she smiles, and says....
"It's alcohol. The anesthesia only kills the pain nerves - not the temperature nerves."
I KNOW she did that on purpose.
14. Hayley said:
I just sent this link to my husband without reading it all the way through first. I've been trying to get him to snip snip- and I think I might've been counterproductive in showing him this!
All I have to do is leave him home with our 2 year old and 4 month old twins and that ought to reverse the damage I've done. I HOPE.
15. Anonymous said:
Oh Heather, I really feel for John, but on the other hand, I haven't laughed that hard in a very, very long time. Thanks for sharing!!!
16. kcbelles said:
Poor Jon - such a tramatic ordeal and what does his wife do? Laugh! But then, he shouldn't be surprised; he should know by know what you find quirky. My best wishes goes out to him for a speedy recovery. And thanks for sharing, Heather - totally hilarious byplay.
17. Anonymous said:
My husband's balls inflated to the size of melons and he couldn't walk for weeks because he decided to organize the garage after the procedure. Duh. I swear they ask for it.
18. d3 voiceworks said:
a guy i worked with at a radio station years ago left the record player on (yep, record player) after cueing up the sunday programming and hitting play. while he fetched a cup of coffee up the street, the stylus got caught in a groove on jesuschrist__jesuschrist said only in the way the big religious peeps say it.
my dh needs a vasectomy, too. i get fearful when he's feeling, uh, amorous.
19. Jen said:
The doctor who performed this procedure on my husband (here in Austin), is named Dick Chop. Not even kidding on that one.
20. Jo said:
Buddy and Your Balls sounds like a GREAT band name. Maybe Jon could be the lead singer?
21. Constance said:
I have a vivid memory of my mom and I taking my father to the hospital for this same pleasantry when I was probably around Leta's age. He walked through the swinging doors and then several minutes later they wheeled him out in his little robe and he looked completely crooked (b/c, you know, who would want to SIT after that?). My crooked dad said, "All done, no big deal". His expression said, SACRIFICE.
22. Kat said:
Oh this one is gonna get TONS of hate mail! I can see it now! "FIRST you bully your husband into getting a vascetomy and then you use his pain to remind everyone how you had natural child birth and how horrible it was." I can hardly wait to see how your hatefans run with it.
Seriously though, I lol'd.
23. Heather said:
That was effin' funny.
24. Kelly Kjellberg said:
im just glad im not the only one who laughed at my husband while he was getting his 'procedure'...
25. habenne said:
OK- so we're 11 months post second child and 6 weeks post V-DAY (might I mention how impressed I am that you were able to accomplish the V in nearly half the time it took me..nice work), and needless to say, watching my husband 'recover' from his V was one of the most amusing experiences of my life (I too, survived, natural childbirth the second time around). So, Day 3 POST VASECTOMY: Husband dramatically hobbles from the bathroom, tighty-whiteys in hand and says, "Babe, can you wash these for me (he is normally a boxer guy- so we are stretching the use of his three existing pairs of tighties- the less giant white underwear in my home, the better)- and by the way, he says, THERE IS SOME BLOOD." First thought I have is, ewwwww, second thought, poor guy- I guess he is really suffering......
I head to the washer with the 'bloody underwear', which upon examination, had, and I'm not shitting you here, a ONE CENTIMETER IN DIAMETER spot of blood. Like seriously, I don't even think the cast of CSI could get a DNA sample from this ridiculously miniscule speck. I think a vasectomy on an ANT would generate more blood than this. Anyone whom has ever given birth should know that there was nothing left for me to do but to laugh my ass off for 5 minutes (in the privacy of the garage)...and then, I sweetly grabbed a cold beer, the bag of frozen peas and went to soothe my poor, bloody, sperm-less man.
26. Olive said:
I just cackled in my quiet office and embarrassed myself.
"Why are you laughing?"
"WATCH IT, BUDDY."
I'm dying over here.
WOW MY CAPTCHA... "Snip Banana." How fitting!!!
27. Maggie May said:
I keep having the great luck to read posts about balls lately.
Now that is true love, Double Dooce.
28. Amanda said:
I'll be sure NOT to let my Husband read this post. I may never get him to hold up HIS end of the bargain.
Men, they don't even know what the meaning of pain is! :)
29. lynn said:
Laura! Laura! I love it - I can just hear him calling your name - and you laughing in the other room. Years ago my neighbor got snipped, came home from the hospital and after a pain pill spent the entire evening laying in a lounge chair by my pool with a bag of frozen peas. He didn't look like he was suffering - man-up boys - it's a 10 minute procedure not a 9 month one!
30. Zoe Right said:
Ahh, Poor Baby (nope couldn't hold it in BAHHHHHAAAA- HAAA-HA) damn that is funny!
31. Jennifer said:
poor lamb.
*snort*
32. Eliza said:
I'm a friend of Louise's who also lives in Valdosta. All talk of chanting aside and not to diminish Jon's pain, but you just squeezed a watermelon out of your nose. I think you don't have to stifle the laugh. ;) Having just had a baby (4 weeks ago today to be exact) and having had an epidural which didn't take entirely, I think you must be more off-kilter than I thought to go through childbirth naturally. I say that with the utmost affection and respect - seriously.
We Dooce fans in Valdosta will be chanting today - "When I say shingles, you say nads! Shingles! Nads! Shingles! Nads!" We're just excited to have gotten a nod. (plus more than a little bit curious as to who your friend is!!)
33. thisgirlremembers said:
Oh, I learned an even better chant from a friend when I was a kid. Ready for this??
J-E-S-U-S
Jesus, Jesus, yes yes yes!
Rock 'em, sock 'em, knock 'em dead,
Gooooooooooo Messiah!
I was never sure whether it was in earnest or meant to be a joke, but either way it still makes me giggle, a good twenty years later. :)
(And I hope Jon feels better soon!)
34. Braidwood said:
That was so hilarious! Poor Jon!!
Ahhhh church laughter. That is the worst kind of laughter and the best kind of laughter. Almost reason enough for me to go back to church and try and be reverent.
35. olive said:
I'm also from Valdosta where people like their JESUS almost as much as they like their high school football. I don't belong here!
36. beyond said:
great story. i also suffer from fear of needles, so i can relate to jon's terror. and that man-cold clip has been a fav of mine for years. so very accurate. sigh.
37. Lisa said:
Jon stories are funnier than any Leta or Marlo story you have ever told. Men are such wimps....a little snip here does not compare to having a baby spew out of your vagina and with all that blood and stuff that goes along with it. Gut busting great story! Jon is such a trooper for letting you write about his big V day.
38. Laura said:
My ex was so twitchy and paranoid at his vasectomy appointment that the doctor rescheduled it and gave him a prescription for 1 Valium to take about an hour beforehand. I had a good laugh with my girlfriends about the 1 Valium. No sympathy, sorry, dude!
39. Anonymous said:
Oh man, you make me laugh harder each and every entry I read of yours. Just reading your blogs can make my day so much better - keep em comin, you are awesome!!
40. Daddy Scratches said:
P.S.: Did I mention what a great and hysterical job you did of writing this up? Because I meant to. Well done.
41. Chris said:
Yes, as above, laughing, yet sad. Today I'm part of Teh Internet who doesn't care about your pain, we just want new baby photos, woman. (but just today. Okay, only for five minutes. Okay, I was for 30 seconds.)
Plus, I've been in the OW OW Oh Okay, no touching camp, so... I'm with Jon.
42. Milla said:
really, no more babies? for no good reason, i figured you guys would try again for a boy, but i suppose an heir(ess) and a spare are enough. poor jon is so outnumbered now. all he has is chuck.
43. Kate R. said:
Oh my God. I am so sorry for Jon but thank you so much for the video. I laughed so hard I cried.
44. JessiCat said:
#32, i am now snot laughing. and "SHINGLES!", "NADS!" "SHINGLES!" "NADS!" will run through my head for like a week. that was priceless. :) Thanks for the laughs, girls! Heather, I hope Jon heals up ok!
45. Robin said:
I don't know what it is about husband's getting vasectomies, but for the wives it's just plain hilarious.
My husband got his when our now 9-year-old was 6 weeks old. He told our family doctor what was in store for ye old nutsack and he promptly gave him a Xanax. Then husband complained to the surgeon who gave him some kind of amnesiac that totally made him loopy.
He talked and told bawdy and inappropriate jokes throughout the entire procedure.
Afterward he shuffled out, waving to all the nurses and patients like he was on a Thanksgiving Day Parade float.
Then while getting his meds, I asked him to sit and watch our infant who slept happily in her carseat. But he kept nodding off.
Whenever he's wake up, he'd always ask, "Is it over? Did you watch?"
Did I watch?
Of course and I laughed. It wasn't at all like, let's see ... hmm ... like squeezing an entire person out of your va-jay-jay.
46. Jennifer Lynn said:
OH MY WORD.....how I have laughed and laughed. Watch-it Buddy. Watch out fo' my balls lil Buddy.
:)
47. Caitlyn Nicholas said:
Just read your post to my husband whilst wiping away my tears of mirth. My husband is with Jon and would like to extend his deepest sympathy to one who lives with such a cruel and heartless woman!! As one whose ladyparts hurt every time I drive past the hospital where my children were delivered, I am with you!!
:) Cait
48. KJ said:
Hilarious story, as usual.
I am working on getting my husband to join the V club!!! He is not opposed to the procedure per say, but he wants another child. Nope. Nope. Nope. I am done.
49. jeannne said:
Hey, at least you were with him. I dropped the DH off at the door, and went to work. My neighbor had to come and pick him up. That's one I can't live down.
50. KJ said:
...and now I am going to read Jon's version of this story at the Blurb.
51. Karen Chatters said:
Dude can talk that bells and use it to keep his NADS cold!
Men are PATHETIC when they're sick. Or think they're sick. Or have an ache. Or a hangnail.
You POOR thing.
52. erin said:
SHINGLES! BALLS! JESUS!
i'm going to sprain something with all the jazz hands i'll be doing today.
thanks, dooce!
p.s. i can just hear the nasty dooce-haters now: Dooce castrates husband! town cowers in fear!
53. Julie said:
If you want to do something really fun, you should Netflix Hard Candy for him to watch while he's recovering.
54. Adrianne said:
OMG, #25, I laughed out loud reading your story! That's some good stuff!
And Dooce, I'm not going to lie. The story was funny per the usual, but it broke my heart a little. No more baby Armstrongs?!? *tear*
55. Ashley said:
Wow, I totally didn't know men were awake for vasectomies - or that you were allowed to have visitors during the actual PROCEDURE. Life is so different than they show it on tv... oh well, it's not as bad as my husband walking into the living room the other day while I was watching A Baby Story and he was all "WHAT ARE THEY DOING?" And I was all "Um, a c-section." And he was all "BUT WHY ISN'T SHE ASLEEP?" And all I could think was "oh just you wait, someday it's going to be me pushing a child out of my womb and then you're going to be REALLY terrified."
56. Peeved Michelle said:
This is how ours went: 1- Nurse calls husband back. 2- I eat Peanut M&Ms from the Halloween candy bowl in the waiting room and read a book on the Kindle. 3- Husband walks out about half an hour later.
57. Laura Riddle said:
It's Valdosta, at least that's the one I know. I grew up not too terribly far from there. Cheers.
58. LP said:
ahahahahaaaaaaa! Hilarious one, Heather - thanks for a good laugh. :)
59. Erin said:
Eh. I drank coffee while I was pregnant and still drink it now that I'm nursing my two-month-old. Anyone that wants to take my caffeine away can shove it before I do it for them.
I'm not sure if my husband will get the snipsnip anytime soon - we're only on our first and I want at least one more... but I'm sure it'll be hilarious if he does!
60. Jen on the Edge said:
Great. Now I've laughed so hard that mascara is running down my face and I look like a freak.
This may be your best. post. ever.
61. P said:
Part Deux: Blue BALLS, from the frozen peas and everything, you know?
62. Lauren From Texas said:
Oh man. I just peed a little over that video clip. I hope you gave Jon a bell.
63. Maniacal Mommy said:
My husband had his V-day after our third son. He knew better than to complain after witnessing all three births and the subsequent stitches in the vajay-jay region. Ok, and maybe I threatened to not only relinquish all naked privileges, but also hog-tie him and toss him out of the Mommymobile in the urologist's parking lot if he refused.
Also, I drank coffee while nursing too. The jury is still out on how it effected the kids, but it kept me out of prison.
64. Yellaphant said:
This is my new favorite video of all time. I'll never be able to thank you enough. MAN COLD. HA!
65. Jan said:
Jo, post 20: "Buddy and Your Balls sounds like a GREAT band name."
I was doing so well, reading this post and replies and managing to laugh hysterically without making a sound (at work, you see), even the part about Jon yelling while the doctor waved his hands to prove he wasn't touching him, until I got to that one reply quoted above, which brought down the curtain. Thank god no one asked me what was funny...
Jon did a good thing. Hope he's feeling better soon.
66. Maniacal Mommy said:
I forgot to mention that the man who did the deed was Dr. Cummings. That still cracks me up.
67. Stacey said:
Ha! Love it. My husband walked around for a few days after his "procedure" sore and was using frozen peas to ice the area down. He got our 2 year old son into asking for frozen peas because "my balls hurt Mommy." At least you have girls that probably won't feel the need to imitate.
68. Meredith said:
On the one hand, I feel bad for Jon. But on the other? Yeah, I'm enjoying a giggle at his expense right now. I'll bet he's glad that's over with.
69. SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said:
"THOU SHALT NOT DRINK COFFEE" best line...
Also, I now picture you saying "JESUS!" with Jazz hands....I'll be waiting for the video
70. Kirstin said:
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
My darling husband, Mr. Bad-ass Army dude, nearly fainted at the consultation for his. I've never seen the man more nervous...and how much sympathy did I offer. Exactly none as I was holding our son who'd I'd pushed out of my nether regions without drugs just 2 floors above at the same hospital just 2 short weeks earlier. At least they gave him xanax before the actual procedure haha.
71. Anonymous Kris said:
You are NOT a forever family of four UNTIL you get those awesome results of ZERO sperm count. Want to have another baby, let him skip those appointments. Heh. No seriously. Just speaking from experience.
72. HollyLynne said:
Annnnddd . . . I just laughed so hard my coworkers are staring. THANKS FOR THAT!
73. Keri said:
BEST. STORY. EVER!
Also, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who desperately tries to NOT LAUGH during funerals.
74. KrisD said:
I had 3 kids all natural - and I mean not even an aspirin for the last one. My hubby can attest that as the doc did an episiotomy with absolutely NO anethetic I yipped like a dog with each snip. There was no question that he would get a vasectomy, which he did, a few months later with nary a whimper. And that was 30 years ago - the technique has improved since then. Sorry Jon - but you are a major wimp!
75. #36 said:
Yeah I'm back-to ruffle your feathers again ;)
It's one thing when a guy WANTS to do it, for whatever reason, done having children, whatever. But it's another when women want to make a guy feel obligated to do it (of course who is going to admit to that). I suppose it's easy for a chick to laugh about it & make jokes since she's not the one getting her bits nipped (some do need it tho with all the meat hanging out of their taco HA!).
Next time someone wants to blame their man for "putting you through" pregnancy/childbirth or "doing this to me!" Remember, YOU opened your legs.
76. Brooke said:
ahhh, the snip! you realize now that he will put this in his back pocket and use it against you for the REST of your life.
you: 'can you take out the trash?'
him: 'no way, i had the vesectomy!'
you: 'mow the lawn'
him 'dream on, i had my manhood cut out of me.'
and on, and on, and on it will go. good luck!
77. Katie said:
I saw you had a video and for a split second I was like, "Noooo...Even Heather wouldn't video tape her husband's vasectomy..." Whew!
You made me giggle in my office like someone giggling at a funeral.
Thanks.
Again.
78. Sandy said:
I love the Jesus cheerleader chant. Priceless.
I had a c-section, then three months of agonizing pain while breastfeeding, so I have little sympathy for the vasectomy patient. Little. Sympathy.
79. MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt said:
OUCH, and I'm a woman:), but can't everyone just feel his pain. Don't worry I felt your pain too with the labor story and will now for sure without a doubt still take the drugs I always planned on.
80. Moriah said:
Dying laughing. That is all too familiar to me. My boyfriend is such an insane wuss, and he will not acknowledge it. At least be a man and admit that you have zero pain tolerance! Straight pisses me off.
81. Mia said:
It is actually VALDOSTA Georgia.
82. Georgian said:
Valdosta. :)
83. Victoria said:
I just guffawed loudly at work. Thanks for the laugh. (I can't believe you held YOUR laughter in as long as you did!)
84. Parsing Nonsense said:
Oh my gosh, that sounds like my friend who had to be escorted from the blood draw room in a WHEELCHAIR because the phlebotomist had the temerity to put a tourniquet on him.
85. jen said:
i am laughing so hard ... probably because my husband was given the same ... i will have had 3 children via natural childbirth ... and i'm sorry but i'm not the one getting spayed. YOU are getting neutered ... conversation.
but i am so not letting him read this.
86. craftYARD said:
N.I.C.E. clip!!! and poor Jon!
87. the mighty jimbo said:
when you two got hitched, did jon ever suspect that his balls would be on the internet?
i gotta send that man some bourbon.
and for the record, any and all irrational behavior is excused when scalpels and balls are involved. just saying. part of the man code.
88. stephanie c. said:
poor little bunny.
that cracks me up. i was not in the room for the big V, but i head from hubby that they talked about baseball. baseball. yep.
frozen peas & frozen corn. at least 3-4 bags each. rotate.
if men had babies, there would be a population of zero.
89. Emily said:
I'm sure only a woman would say this, but this was so funny I laughed until I cried! (And I'm very sorry for your loss, Jon.)
90. Lyndsey said:
The visual I have of your husband lifting his body from the table is hysterical so I can't imagine what it looked like in person. Seriously, the sides of my face hurts from the laughter.
Hope he's getting plenty of tenderloving care from you and the girls!
91. Stephanie said:
My husband got a referral from our primary to get the "procedure". When our doctor wrote out the referral she said I am sending you to Dr. Zeppe. My husband almost fell off the table freaking out. You shold have seen his face. I couldn't figure out why he was freaking. After the doctor left the room he said, "No way I'm getting this done by a Dr. Snippy!".
LOL - he thought the Doc said "snippy" instead of "zeppe". Best moment ever in a doctor's office. Many more to come I'm sure.
92. Erin said:
When I tell my husband this story he's going to roll his eyes and inform me that the worst part of getting his done was how badly it tickled when they shaved his, you know, area prior to doing any incisions.
93. Anonymous said:
It's Valdosta, GA!!! And I was grinning the whole time you were telling this story! Did he go thru with it?
94. TamiA said:
Oh My God. This post and these comments are too much. F-ing hilarious.
JESUS has SHINGLES!
95. Serial said:
I LOVE this video. MAN COLD! Everything is so much harder when you have a ween.
96. ken said:
Hey, I get it. It's scary. I, myself, never thought I'd willing drop my trousers and hand over the family jewels to a stranger in a mask holding a knife. But I also freely admit that if men had to go through childbirth then cockroaches would have already inherited the earth. Yo! JESUS!
97. The Prima Momma said:
Kudos to Jon for being a real MAN!
I loved the video - Man Cold indeed. After us women give birth, OUT OF OUR VAGINAS, the least the men can do is agree to a little snip.
98. Kimba said:
I've seen this video a hundred times, and I STILL laugh like a school girl every time. It's just so RIGHT.
Please thank Jon for the wonderful laugh. :)
99. Monica- Mommy Brain said:
Ok, I came to watch the video that someone tweeted about and ended up reading the entire post.. I have tears in my eyes.. and I'm so not going to let my hubby read this post.... Not while I'm still trying to convince him that it's easier for him to get the V than it is for me to get my tubes tied... See they didn't do that when I was already open having my twins... It's his turn now baby....
Oh.. and the video.. yeah... that's so true... so so true...
100. TheHans said:
At least his doctor didn't think it was funny to say "whoops!" while performing the procedure. My father apparently had a doctor who thought he minored in comedy. It didn't go over well.
Many wishes for a speedy recovery, Jon!
101. AnnaBolic said:
Got to say, massive kudos on the Man Stroke Woman link. Hardly anyone even watched that programme here in the UK let alone anywhere else - criminally underrated.
Oh, and, you know, congrats on the no more sprogs thing too. If congrats is the right word!
102. Jamie said:
I can't stop laughing long enough to think of something better than this to say.
103. Amy said:
Oh bless...well done Jon. Although, a friends Dad went through the same thing....only to have a third daughter born 9 months later. TEST IT LOTS!
104. Steffanie said:
I am so glad I was not allowed in the room when my husband had his!
You are and excellent story-teller and often have me in stiches with your descriptive details!
105. GrandRGrand said:
#88 Your last sentence says it all. Truly the human race WOULD die out if men had babies! Sorry for your loss John... (insert slightly sarcastic sympathy sigh here). ;)
106. Jessica said:
Aw, poor guy. Good for him though, taking the plunge like that.
If it makes him feel better, I once puked straight on to a nurse that said she was going to take my blood. No needle or anything.
JUST THE THREAT.
And then a stream of vomit.
107. Hope said:
My husband had "the" surgery back in 1984 after our third child (good LDS family, I just kept having babies over 10 lbs., and the doctors didn't think that was a good idea)
He stayed home for three days, moaning just like the British guy with the man-cold -- and then hopped on the motorcycle the fourth day to go back to work.
Imagine a high-pitched grasp over the phone twenty minutes later - "CAN YOU PLEASE COME RIDE THE MOTORCYCLE HOME AND LET ME HAVE THE CAR FOR A WEEK OR TWO?"
I laughed for the next two hours without stopping.
108. amaris said:
oddly, i laughed almost as hard at this one as i did at labor story, part 3.
apparently, i find stories involving your family going through incredible pain ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL. :)
seriously, i cried. and snorted.
thank you.
109. uthostage said:
I absolutely love how you go through the seventh circle of hell to bring life into this world (half of which he is responsible for, and he acts as if a little cold and a little needle prick are EXACTLY THE SAME THING! ROFLMAO
I applaud you for holding your laughter back as long as you did. I seriously don't think I would have had anywhere near as much restraint.
110. Chrystal said:
Great story. I'm 6 months pregnant with baby girl #2. Our first is 17 months old. My husband has agreed to get the big V after this baby is born. I will NOT be showing him this post! Hilarious though.
111. Josey said:
I just BUSTED up laughing at my desk in my office... how am I supposed to hide reading this blog when you post ridiculously funny stories like this?!! Poor Jon.... poor poor Jon...
112. Mary Jo said:
Oh my gosh... I have a cold and this is made me laugh so hard I think I broke a lung. SO FUNNY!
113. corty13 said:
I needed that laugh today...Thanks!!!
114. Geerdaddy said:
Wow, #75 or #36 whoever you are, just....wow.
115. About Wee said:
My husband cut his thumb last week, whilst peeling a potato, need I say more? Point is, the whinging, the whining, the wincing of pain, the non stop bandaid change & antiseptic lotion applications, seriously, did my head in.
Well done Jon- you are a brave man. Well done Heather - you are a brave woman!
About Wee
116. Katie Morton said:
Oh dear, yet another post wherein I am reminded of the delights that await me in life, such us dismantled junk. If not for the humor, I think I would have run off to a nunnery by now.
117. Anonymous said:
Brilliant!!! I just started reading your blog about 3 months ago, and this is by far my favorite entry. You are a genius writer. Hilarious, I can't stop laughing.
118. Raschelle said:
The vidio at the end is so funny! That is exactly how it is in our family!
119. Badgerbreeze said:
Dear Jon, Sorry Buddy I have not laughed this hard in years! Doocey Baby You are the best Thanks for the laugh. You will be better soon Jon, Back in the Saddle Again! Feel it!
120. JLS said:
Just remember to be vigilant about the condoms/other-alternate-methods-of-birth-control until he tests 'in the clear' (about 3 or four months after the initial vasectomy). My husband had to have a second more...um...more thorough vasectomy since he regenerated around the first one.
121. Dee said:
Is this a good time to bring up my friend whose husband had a vasectomy after their fourth child? And then after that, they had their fifth child? No? Okay, I won't mention it.
It hardly ever happens. Fuhgeddabouddit.
Thanks for sharing. Best laugh all day, for sure!
122. Anne said:
Oh dear God. I am laughing with tears in my eyes... I will be you in a few more months and my husband will be in Jon's uh... position. I hope to GOD that our time is as spectacularly hilarious (me) and terrifying (him) as yours. Three kiddos planned, one still "in the oven" unplanned, two natural childbirths, one fabulous epidural, it's HIS TURN dammit. Thanks for the laugh.
123. Kate said:
Great story. I wish I'd gotten my hubby to have the "big V" but time just passed by and then I got old enough where it didn't matter anymore (not the sex but the childbearing issues). Good for you Heather!
You've a wonderful family; two gorgeous little girls and a great husband. U go girl!
124. Anonymous said:
So I know this couple who has 3 kids, then the husband finally got a vasectomy. The next year they had another kid...so then he got the procedure AGAIN. 2 years later they.had.another.kid.
FIVE KIDS.
crazy.
poor little bunny.
:) Dooce, you're hilarious. I would have chuckled at my husband too.
125. Dee said:
Wow, great writing! I can only aspire to your greatness. That being said I have no sympathy for your hubby. All it takes is remembering those wonderful contractions that felt like my uterus was trying to escape my body and all feelings of sympathy and compassion are gone. Frankly, in comparison a little snip, snip down under is nothing. Balls mean BALLS and those who have them will quickly and quietly go through this procedure after witnessing their signifcant other being torn in two by a 6lb, 5oz bundle of joy.
126. Anne said:
You are so funny Heather! Oh my goodness -- I didn't think you were serious about the vasectomy. You definitely were and I like that Jon held up his side of the bargain! Hope recovery is going well.
127. My OB said WHAT said:
I am so glad you linked to the Man Cold Video! As I was reading this blog post, that is EXACTLY what came to mind! I loved that you ended with it! It serves the purpose of your post well!
Keep up the great work!
128. Bethany said:
Oh dear god.. I just laughed so hard I cried. And while reading it out loud to my husband... another victim of the vasectomy operating table.
129. WorkingMom said:
Laughing so hard I'm going to pee my pants! Count your blessings - my wussy Hubby had a hard enough time when the Middle Child has an undescended testicle surgically brought down at 13 months old - when the recovery nurse came over with liquid Children's Tylenol and told him it would held the kid's discomfort, he asked for some too!
130. LeFiffre said:
Insult to injury! Not only is Jon cut, but now he's un-manned in narrative. The story is priceless and must be told, but ONLY HE CAN TELL IT.
131. Cate said:
My hubby just had his, in his words, major surgery in August. I had no sympathy whatsoever. Still don't. I'm pretty sure his doc doesn't allow wives in the room because of all the inevitable laughing that would go on.
132. Surge said:
A poor, little bunny. =)
"Oh, okay".
Reminds me of a guy in my class.
"What did you get on your test?"
"90."
"NO YOU DIDN'T"
"Yes I did."
"Oh, okay."
Rest in peace sans deferens. >.<
133. Andrea said:
So funny! A couple of man-surgery stories for you:
I had a friend who changed his mind about getting the procedure done -- while he was lying on the table. The doctor left the room for just a moment, and my friend jumped up and took off for the nearest pay phone where he promptly called his wife to turn around and pick him up immediately. He never looked back.
Another friend's husband took in his post-surgery sample and the results came back that he was twice as potent. His count increased. By 100%. So be careful!
Andrea
http://alittlebitrocknroll.blogspot.com
134. superkittn said:
I think I just guffawed.
135. lotsalisa said:
OMG. I just peed my pants....and I'm at work! Guys are such WIMPS!
136. Meredith said:
Sooo, you just made my day. I'm sorry it had to be at the expense of your husband, but still, MADE MY DAY! :)
137. Anonymous said:
My husband wouldn't allow me to go with him to his procedure. No, he took his father, I think hoping to get more sympathy! No sympathy here! The first words out of his mouth when he got home were, "That was the TEN most excruciating minutes of my life!" I was like, "Where were you during the 32 hours of hell, with no durg, when I was in labor with our first child? Ten minutes, I don't want to here it!" Needless to say, he was told to man up!
138. Dudge OH said:
I know us guys are sensitive about anything coming within a foot of that area that doesn't appear to have good intentions, but jeez...!
Also, I hope for the sake of everyone, but especially his male friends it doesn't reverse. I had a friend who had it reverse and he was strutting as he relayed the information and gloating about just how virile he was...! *rolls eyes*
139. Heather said:
I have never loved you more.
140. thepears said:
So funny.
It's only a lil snip on your balls. Man up Jon.
141. Lulu said:
good gracious that was FUNNY AS HELL.
142. Aaron said:
In our Mormon house we follow my son's example and say "JEEZITS!" in place of Jesus. In reality, that's how he says Cheezits. Hence, that's how we take the Lord's name in vain.
143. Nhiro said:
What is it with men and needles? My roommate cringes at just the thought of it. I remember giving blood for the first time and having the person trying to insert the needle (repeatedly) into my arm lean over and whisper, "I can't find her vein". Now THAT was fun.
Then again, it wasn't my vagina she was poking with the needle. :P
my captcha: "Farrell flowing"
144. elaine said:
omg-this made me laugh out loud. my husband spent 2 days in bed after his 'v-word' (as we refer to it) and he was complaining when i declared that i would spend the (recommended by my midwife) week in bed after giving birth.
dude, my swollen lady parts from child birth are WAY different from you having an outpatient procedure on your tubes.
145. BarnMaven said:
Please thank Jon profusely for allowing us to indulge in hysterical laughter at his pain. I think I'll still be having aftershock giggles when I wake up tomorrow.
146. Lori W. said:
Wayne says "welcome to the Club!" and "Be CAREFUL trying to sit in the car or you will feel like you have been kicked in the crotch by a group of cheerleaders!"
He also says "Dude just wait until you feel better and the SEX gets BETTER than it EVER has BEEN in the last 20-years!!!"
147. Brat said:
OMFG, I cried I laughed so hard. Poor Jon! Men are such wusses!
I hope his NADS don't swell up to the size of grapefruit because I heard that shit is really uncomfortable.
Remind him that someday he'll look back on this and laugh.
148. StaceyP said:
Best. Post. Ever. :) I sit here, 41 and pregnant because condoms DON'T always work and apparently, the ovulation cycle can spontaneously change all by itself WITHOUT TELLING ME... anyway. You can bet that conversation has been had here a LOT in the last four months and will continue until my husband has that exact same experience.
149. Simbelmynë said:
Aaawwwwwwwwwww, poor little baby!
I've tried that Man Cold thing on my husband and kids, just to see what would happen if we reversed rolls.
a. people kept asking me to read to them, clean up messes, complaining that the food wasn't good enough.
b. I felt sicker knowing that nobody was cleaning up after themselves and I was going to have to do it ALL tomorrow.
I'll take my next sick day at the beach.
150. Sravana said:
OMG I cannot *believe* that you just blogged Jon's vasectomy.
Just had to Facebook it, and I still haven't stopped laughing.
(Oh, and my validation phrase is "George aids". I hope that's not some kind of prophecy about GEORGE!) :(
151. "Seattle"Heather said:
I feel sorry for Jon. And I hope he has a speedy recovery. I am on day two of my recovery from my Tubal Ligation surgery. Anything that has to do with being cut open just isn't fun. Period.
152. katie said:
personally, i think you should tell him in about 3 months time that you've changed your mind and that you do in fact want another child.
but i'm kind of evil like that.
153. GEM said:
Love the story. My husband had a buxom, Norwegian bombshell for his vasectomy nurse. To hear it in his words, it sounds like a nightmare and fantasy all rolled into one.
154. Michelle said:
Mine had a panic attack the day before and started vomiting. Like in the exorcist, with the pea soup. He still went through with it. I guess the thought of an eighth child elicited more panic than the vasectomy.
155. Susan said:
I had just learned how to drive a standard for my now ex's ride home after the procedure. Still cracks me up.
156. CookingSchoolConfidential.com said:
After my husband had a wickedly nasty bout of flu, the women from his office sent me the link to the Man Cold clip. I was laughing so hard that I misunderstood the instructions and, to this day, whenever he is sick, I call him my FAT Little Bunny.
More accurate, at any rate!
Cheers.
157. ridgid power tools said:
Vasectomy part of the movie was hilarious...
158. Dawn said:
I needed that laugh, thank you :P
159. akparisi said:
I've already had four kids (the last was an emergency c-section that almost killed me - severed artery and all) so I told hubby that if that blasted test is positive one more frickin' time, I have a home vasectomy kit - wire cutters and a tarp! It's been 4 1/2 years since the last one . . . he's safe . . . for now.
160. Tanya said:
I hate to focus on the tangent, but it reminded me of those Hillshire Farms commercials. "GO MEAT!!" I don't even eat meat, and they still make me giggle hysterically.
Best wishes to Jon. We all think you're awesome, even tho we join Heather in laughing at you right now. Great story.
161. tanyetta said:
HILARIOUS. I LOVED THIS SO MUCH. AWWWWWWW JON. :)
162. Annie said:
Be careful! Our neighbor had a vasectomy 11 years ago, and guess what? His wife is pregnant again. And we haven't seen any odd cars parked across the street either! Have him get those things checked once a year to make sure there are no swimmers ;)
163. Lilla said:
LOL, flipping "man-flu"
When my bf is whinging about having a cold, i feel like reaching for the pillow and hold it down firmly with both hands.....just to stop the whining.
It is u-b-e-a-r-a-b-l-e.
164. Amy J. said:
Heather, you are a good wife. I did not go with my husband. I sent his father with him, lol.
He's a doctor and a big wimp, so I was not in any mood to hear all the complaining. I did however have a major panic attack and cryfest over sterilizing US for the rest of our lives AS he walked out the door to go, lol.
When I told him Jon had gotten it done, he was all sympathetic and said, "I could have warned him how bad it will suck...after the procedure, for MONTHS." Yup, warn Jon now, there is "phantom" pain that lingers (for years actually, randomly). Hubs is not happy about that, neither are the fairly large number of guys I've talked to who have had the same thing. I hope Jon doesn't have it, mostly for your benefit because the whining will totally get on your nerves, lol.
Also, four years AFTER the procedure, when my youngest turned four, I had this overwhelming desire to have another baby. Hubs was very, VERY sweet and offered to reverse it! I changed my mind back to NO more kids (thankfully for him). But it reminded me of that episode of Mad About You, the finale I believe, when Helen Hunt made Paul what's his face's character get a vasectomy, then reverse it, only to end up getting it again. My husband says that is his worst nightmare now after having had it done, lol.
Good luck Jon. Remember to not lift anything heavy!! My father in law loved to tell the story of how he woke up after his was done to have his crotch soaked in blood! A stitch had come undone and he nearly bled to death. But I digress...
165. Jen said:
I had my husband, who is not fixed, read this; I thought it was funny. He did not. He was not amused. In fact, the first thing he said, less than halfway through, was, "Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. They don't put you under for that? No f&*king way. They are knocking me the f*@k out." I guess he feels pretty strongly about it.
166. Erin said:
I laughed so hard I peed a little!
167. Prudence Octavia said:
poor Jon, but I am crying with laughter - soooooo vivid.
I hope he is up and at 'em soon1
168. Kristen said:
To those worried about swimmers. You are required to give ejaculate samples (I believe) at 1 and 3 months to confirm that it worked.
Even my husband who is quite used to pain thought it hurt. But he was fine with some ice and back to normal the next day.
He drove himself there and back.
The doc that did it was named Richard Chop here in Austin. No kidding. He's the best and everyone knows him because of the name.
169. Brent said:
As a member of the male sex, I feel for Jon. But as someone who has seen childbirth firsthand, I understand where all the funny comes from. Those are what I like to call the church giggles, when your shoulders are flailing trying to keep it all in.
170. Trish said:
I went to the doctor today because I’ve had a bad cold and I needed a Get Out Of Work Free card. While I was there, I mentioned to my lovely doctor that I didn’t get my period last month, and still haven’t had it this month, and since I am exceptionally regular I was a little concerned that maybe something was wrong. He asked me if I could be pregnant. The answer to that is no, because (a) unfortunately I’m not having a torrid affair with Jason Statham and (b) PJ had a vasectomy six years ago
"It could have corrected itself."
"After six years?"
"Yep, I’ve seen it happen."
"With your own eyes? Here in your practice?!"
"Yep."
Holy shit.
Naaahhh… I’m putting it down to stress.
So anyway, tonight PJ gets home from work. He knew I was going to the doctor and he asked if I’d asked about the "period thing." I told him about my doctor’s theory about reconnection.
"Oh my god, do you realise what that would mean?"
Yes, I thought to myself. An abortion. Or, if the thought of not having another Ella or Madeleine was too much to bear, then another having another Ella or Madeleine.
"I’d have to have another vasectomy!!!"
171. Anonymous said:
Maybe this is why my local medical clinic gives VALIUM to any man having a vasectomy there.
172. LD said:
Oh.my.god. Thank you so much for sharing this. I laughed until I cried.
173. Katie said:
Bwaaaa hahahahahahaaahaha! ~wiping tears from my eyes~ ~gasping inhale~ Hahahahah ahaaaar har har! ~sniff~
174. Helen said:
Doesn't anybody else find it disturbing to see the people on here talking about their EXs who had the procedure? I mean the man is sterilized and the relationship is over, what happens if he remarries?
If a woman doesn't want to have any more kids why does she force her HUSBAND to get snipped? I can't understand the men who agree to such a thing. With a 50% divorce rate it doesn't make much sense. What if the wife has a fatal illness and he wants to move on and start a new family with another woman?
It seems like the ultimate act of selfishness.
175. geewiz said:
I laugh... and it hurts... a lot! My cheeks! My head!
176. Amy said:
Helen, calm down. Some men, like mine, DECIDE to get the procedure. It was his idea. Or perhaps you would prefer women getting pregnant by mistake and aborting all in the sake of 'what if??' We all make our CHOICES.
Damn Heather, you mean I could have gone and held his hand (watched?) I so would have. Lucky for hubby he was completely stoic about the whole event, probably knowing what would have spewed out of my mouth had he even said OUCH! (Mother of 3, need I say more>)
177. Lisa said:
Oh. My. God. I just about pissed myself.
Brings back such fond memories of my own hysterical laughter at the Mr. and his vasectomy drama.
Puh-leeze. We squeeze HUMAN BEINGS out of our you-know-whats and they can't even handle the doctor LOOKING at their balls.
This is the most hilarious story I've read in a while.
178. Heather said:
Fabulous story, Heather.
179. Anonymous said:
That was funny and I love the way you tell stories but it gets so so so old to hear you bitch and moan about how hard it is to have a baby. I've done it, it's just not that hard. Pregnancy is NO WHERE even half way close to as hard as you have always made it seem and delivery while not fun is a fact of life and isn't that hard either. I'm just trying to tell myself that you are trying to make a career here so you are purposely being silly and exaggerating. No one could really be that much of a whiner could they? (I know you had to go to a mental hospital and I'm not belittling your mental illness, I just mean the standard, physical part) Can't you have just a tiny, little bit of compassion for the suffering of anyone besides yourself?
180. Sara PG with #3 said:
Ok, that was hysterical. I couldn't read part of it b/c of the tears in my eyes and hubby came in to see what was wrong with me! I tried to read it to him but it was no use.
And anonymous, go read another blog with less whining. Sheesh.
181. tallgirl said:
That is hysterical. My husband took an anti anxiety drug before the procedure.
We got to his appointment, and they hadn't scheduled the appointment so we had to come back later that day. Poor fellow. He was all psyched up to have the operation, and they made him wait 4 hours. He was very good about it though. Some men are complete pusses.
182. Candice said:
GAHHHAAHA! I can't wait to show all my guy friends this video.
183. Renee said:
I can not tell you how much that made my day!
We're not ready to shut down the factory, but when the time comes I'm hoping Steve is up to the task. He doesn't handle a cold or headache with much grace, so I can't imagine how much babying he will need for the "procedure"
184. Kerry said:
Favorite. Post. EVER.
And not just because it was a good laugh at Jon's expense. (Sorry Jon!)
Heather, you held it in way longer that I could have. Good Job. I would have lost it when we got to the hospital and would not have been able to stop the entire time.
185. Anonymous said:
Heather, there is no way you read this far down in your comments, but THIS WAS THE MOST AWESOME POST EVER!!! We're scheduled for V-Day in 2 weeks and the whining is causing the next door neighbor's dogs to howl. And then you capped it off with the Man Cold video. I liked you before, but now I...ummmmm...just...might.....love you. I won't stalk you, promise! Don't look outside.
186. Mo said:
Hobo vaginas and now this-If it is now a hobo blog, at these you are hitting both sides of the fence, buddy.
....I wonder if the bits on anesthesia act anything like your face after novecain(sp?)...cause that would be fuuunny. (poor lil guys)
187. Trish said:
To Helen @ #174:
I don't think you can FORCE a man to submit to having his testicles sliced open with a scalpel.
I think you can have a frank discussion with your partner about whether or not he thinks he's done having children (with you or with anyone else for that matter). Just because you CAN have more children doesn't mean you WANT TO or you SHOULD. And if you're both finished having children, why should the woman be the one to take full responsibility for birth control? A vasectomy is way less invasive than a tubal ligation and way less complicated than decades of hormonal anarchy from taking the Pill.
188. willikat said:
my god, that was funny.
189. Mrs. Q. said:
My hubby just had it done last week. In the doctor's office. In under 20 minutes. I've had teeth cleanings go worse than that.
The aftermath was surprisingly OK. Just make sure your dear remembers to use two things: the ice pack and the jock.
My dear husband said perhaps the worst part is the prep. When he asked me how he was supposed to shave his balls, I said, "Carefully. And without my help if you ever want sex again."
190. suzi said:
OMG that is freaking hilarious. My husband will read this one for sure. Seriously, uncontrollable laughter over here.
Sorry, Jon. Sorry Jon's balls---area. :)
suzi
pinkvanillacupcakes.com
191. Jill said:
I hate to laugh at Jon's expense but that has got to be your funniest post ever!
192. Jill Ross said:
Fucking hilarious Heather! I was pissing myself laughing all the way through.
193. Laura R said:
The post was hysterical, but the video was dead on. My husband is just getting over a "Man Cold" and now I'm getting sick, but guess who has to keep on going while the *baby* recovers??
194. Jill Put Up A Blog said:
That is awesome! LOL! Oh my, so very funny.
I am pregnant and I am a big baby with this stuff and the hubby always goes with me saying 'it's no big deal' with bright eyes and smile. Then at the OB, he asked the doctor if I should get the flu/h1n1 shots and she said "yes absolutely she does...don't think you're out of this, you need to get one as well." YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIS FACE!!! Phew! So funny.
195. Ann said:
Oh. My. God. I cannot breathe!
You are so brave to go in with Jon and hold his hand. I waited in the waiting room and then drove the big baby home.
Best EVER!!!!!
196. 6512 and growing said:
Our day is coming soon. Will try to keep the snickers to a minimum. Hilarious post!
197. Kerry said:
My husband and I decided neither one of us will get "fixed". We got a boy together and I have a beautiful daughter as well. One of each and I am done, yet we chose no form of birth control and just let nature, or God do as it pleases...lol. I'm bit crazy I know, but I believe my body knows it's just too old for another one. I think I am safe.....I hope.
Jon, you're a brave brave man. Kudos to you. :-)
198. Dan said:
When my 'surprise' kid sister was born, 9 years after me, my mother was in labor for 30 hours. Within a month, my father and 5 uncles had all been forced under the knife by their wives. I suspect they negotiated a group discount.
The only holdout was one uncle, who had his own 'surprise' kid when my cousins were already out of high school. Best to avoid surprises, believe me.
199. Hillary_C said:
I'm laughing so hard that my husband is warning me to not wake up the kids.
And the dude who cleaned the garage, and the one who rode the motorcycle to work, more tears streamed down my face.
thanks to all for a great end to my day.
200. Kate said:
My husband is a Marine and he got the Combat V two years ago. The procedure is to drop your Marine off at the clinic and then they call you when it's time to pick them up.
I got the call, went down to the clinic and they told me he was not there. I was naturally curious about where he might have hobbled off to but not worried as surely he could not have gotten far. They just had not one idea where he might be, but he was surely not in the clinic.
I was pretty sure my husband was in the clinic and not difficult to find as he would be the mildly stoned one holding an icepack to his crotch.
To get me away from his desk, the young Corpsman agreed to take a peek in the back. Low and behold, he found my Marine anxiously waiting for me in the recovery area.
Someday I'll share with everyone the story about when I went to pick him up from heel surgery and they could only trace him as far as having been put in an elevator 20 minutes earlier.
201. Anonymous said:
I lost it at "watch it buddy" to the point where my roommate came in and told me to shut up.
202. Lily said:
oh my dear Heather, thank you for making me laugh, I really needed that.
Hope you are feeling better John!
203. Carrie S. said:
BEST. BLOG. POST. EVER.
204. Tiffany said:
OMG. Best. Post. Ever.
#100/TheHans, I've been doubled over laughing for the past 57 minutes. Srsly, you kill me!!
205. Charissa said:
Awesome:)
My fiance and I both have a cold. Guess who's been making the soup.
206. momof8 said:
That is the funniest thing I think you have ever written. Made me laugh out loud.
207. Loran said:
OMG, it would be so hard not to laugh, I'm glad you finally did. That is one of the funniest stories I have ever read! And, lucky you, your husband consented. I had to go back 5 weeks after my second daughter was born and get my tubes tied so I could sleep at night and never worry again about maybe being pregnant .
208. Be Like the Squirrel, Girl said:
This really is the best post ever. I needed to laugh, so thanks for that.
MAN COLD = SO TRUE.
209. Brooke said:
Hahaha...Hospitals and needles don't bother me at all, but my fiance HATES the hospital. When I was sick a couple of years ago, he stood facing the wall for 4 hours. The doctor wanted to know if he should be checked out too. Too bad his parents are still holding out hope that he'll soon earn a medical degree.
210. jeroen said:
A few months after the arrival of daughter number three we came to the conclusion we were complete as a family. Not willing to chance a fourth daughter, or worse - a first son, we decided it would be best to cut the cords. I talked a bit with my GP, to get some reassurances. He thought I was extremely brave, even though he assured me everything would continue to work and perform as before, the only difference me shooting blanks. Next up was a short meeting with the surgeon, who explained the procedure, from start to finish, including that I had to shave my parts the morning of the operation.
I was so excited I started shaving as soon as I got home - the date for the op was still three weeks away. Never got I closer to perfectly impersonating Groucho Marx first (without the glasses and cigar) and, second, Hitler's wee moustache (but with a bigger nose). The terrible itching started a day later.
The nerves finally got to me when I was lying half naked on the operating table. A nurse pulled out a huge blue napkin with a tiny hole in the middle, and draped it over my body. She then gently fondled my balls through the hole - never had I felt more vulnerable than at that moment, seeing my hairless scrotum taken out of its comfort zone, now exposed to strangers in white aprons, wearing safety goggles, saying kind words to comfort me while checking if all the necessary needles, scissors, prods, and knives were there, ready to attack.
'Oh, we have a small request', the surgeon said, just as he stuck a needle in my groin for local anesthesia, '... is it okay with you if a few medicine students come in and watch this operation? It would be good for their education to see a vasectomy performed, if you don't mind of course.' One doesn't object to a guy hanging over you with one hand on your balls, a needle at the ready, and his cronies surrounding you with knives - do you? So I nodded, and said 'Yeah, whatever, the more the merrier.'
Moments later eighteen first year medical students paraded in, who all were kind enough to acknowledge my shriveled presence by saying 'Hello, how are you?' in unison. Before I could answer Mr Surgeon pulled on one of the tubes attached to one of my balls, so he could make a knot. The local anesthesia worked fine, apart from the fact that it seemed like this tube was somehow connected to the rest of my non-sedated internal organs, and they felt as if they were all pulled towards my groin. So I said 'fuck, fuck, fuck', called the Surgeon all sorts of names, and then shut up concentrating on not fainting.
Twenty minutes later a nurse came to check on me, asking if I was still in pain, which I was not thanks to some very nice pills. She then handed me a small plastic cup and said 'We don't recommend having unprotected sex for the next six weeks, as you still may have some live semen. To be sure the operation was successful you need to come back in six weeks time. You then have to fill this cup here, and a nurse will check straight away if there are any more live semen left.' I nodded. 'For the sake of education, will there be eighteen students watching me fill the cup?' I asked. She didn't smile. I never went back.
211. @manda said:
LAUGH OUT LOUD!!
God, Woman... I LOVE YOU!!
...And so does Jesus.
212. Anonymous said:
Heather,
With your luck, you WILL get pregnant again despite the V and all... I just have a psychic hit about this. If anyone's vasectomy will fail, it will be the ex-Mormom Armstrong's.
213. Daisy Daddy said:
Your poor guy went to the wrong doctor. I had it done recently and it was absolutely no big deal. No pain at all during procedure, and I rode my mountain bike the next day. Orgasms are wimpier, though.
214. homemadeserenity said:
Bwhahaha....thank you for the full fledged laugh. And especially that video link. I'm down for the count with Swine Flu right now and it just made me giggle.
215. homemadeserenity said:
Bwhahaha....thank you for the full fledged laugh. And especially that video link. I'm down for the count with Swine Flu right now and it just made me giggle.
216. Kathryn said:
Too funny. I think this needs to be somehow incorporated into next month's banner and tagline. "Nothing is sacred."
217. Stan said:
Heh. I did this a while back. It was no big deal. But then again, when I went for the consultation, the doctor looked at my 0ga PA piercing and said something like, "I guess you're not afraid of needles down there." And he was right.
218. Leah said:
You just made me CRY from laughter.
THANK YOU.
Poor Jon.
219. Stephanie said:
Too funny! You are a much better person than me. I would've been laughing from the start. By the way use an alternate form of protection even with a vasectomy! I am a product of a vasectomy. :)
220. Kit said:
Oh man... the visual of the doctor stepping away from Jon and wiggling his fingers while saying "I'm not even touching you"...
PRICELESS.
If I had been you I would have been obnoxiously untherapeutic- I would have looked deep into my husbands eyes and said 'Just remember, I birthed, breastfed and carried our children for nine months... this is a LITTLE, ITTY, BITTY thing that takes all but 20 seconds, the prep time takes longer- MAN UP"...
You're just a better person than I could ever be.
221. KlutzOnToast said:
Just wanted to say, you are my blogging hero. And I blame (and thank) you that my first blog post has the word 'vagina' in it. :)
222. Donna Deluso said:
At least yours had the [painful] cojones to have it done! Mine chickened out when the doc said that a very small percentage of men experience pain in the scrotum for the rest of their lives. He convinced himself that with his "rotten luck" [a figment of his hypochcondriacal imagination] he'd fall into that category. Hence we're at an impasse, I don't want fake hormones or bits of wire in my body and he hates rubbers. So we're in the territory of the money landing somewhere other than in the piggy bank. So who knows....... let fate decide.
223. workroom said:
oh man would I ever love to see you use the two in one sentence... JESUSSSS... gave me SHINGLESSSSS....!!!!
And you do realize, this whole snip snip thing? Gives Jon the forever rights to whine and complain about anything he wants from now on to FOREVER... it's not like you can say "grow some balls" and "man up" anymore... OMG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.
; )
224. Sean Locke said:
I had mine done about six months after my youngest was born. Jon's story sounds a lot like mine, except I couldn't bear to have my wife in there with me.
Four things:
1. They gave me a valium before the procedure. They didn't ask me if I wanted one, just: "Here, take a valium, it'll help you relax."
2. The nurse showed me a little boom box and a selection of CDs and said I should pick something. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to listen to while getting my nards cut open, and said so. Nurse said, "You should pick something. The doctor can't stand to operate with no music playing. He'll pick the 1812 Overture if you don't pick anything."
I thought for a moment of the doctor humming along and waving his scalpel around like a conductor's baton. And then I remembered the cannonade in the song, which is usually very exciting, but I didn't want exciting at my vasectomy. I picked the Norah Jones CD.
3. The doctor, as it turned out, didn't have a scalpel, but some other instrument I couldn't identify. I asked him what was up with that, and he grinned like a child with a new toy and said, "Oh, we don't use scalpels. It's a [something] - kind of like a SEARING CLAMP. It cuts and cauterizes in one shot - very convenient!"
I cried a little bit.
4. I tried read a Time magazine during the procedure, because I didn't want to think of what was happening. The article was about the likelihood of Hilary Clinton running for the Democratic ticket a couple years hence. Between my own distraction and the valium, I knew I wouldn't retain anything, so I stopped. Also, there was that burning-ozone-barbecued-pork smell.
"Doc, what are we doing down there?" (Because I'm one of those guys who says "we" when I mean "you.")
"I don't know about you, but I'm doing a vasectomy. I probably shouldn't stop, though."
"No no, it's fine, carry on."
Yes, I was a stereotypical wimpy guy for this whole thing. I'm so glad I did it though! Two kids is plenty, and I'm no huge fan of raincoats, if you know what I mean. AND I THINK YOU DO.
225. The Bold Soul said:
Well if he doesn't divorce you over this post, then he never will. ;)
I remember when my brother-in-law had his little snip, it was the day before Easter Sunday. So my sister and her husband and their two kids show up for Easter dinner, and my sister is all, "Don't mind Brian, he's just had a vasectomy and he's going to sit in that chair over there with a bag of frozen peas on his crotch". Not ONE OUNCE OF SYMPATHY. And when I remarked upon this, she gave me that LOOK (the same one our mother has given us for years, the look that says "You don't know jack shit so just shut up because I'm right and you're wrong and don't push your luck") and said "I HAVE GIVEN BIRTH TO TWO BABIES FOR WHICH I LABORED 26 AND 20 HOURS, RESPECTIVELY. You're right, I have no sympathy."
Oh. Well. Pardon me. So I turned around and told Brian how sorry I was... that he'd married my bitchy sister. He must love her though; they've been married 23 years.
226. anutt said:
I suppose it's not funny...however, I DIED laughing. DIED! Tears pouring down my cheeks laughing. From the Jesus chant to him flatlining on the table to the Poor Little Bunny!!! A man Cold!!! hahaha Heather, you are hilarious!!
227. Wendy said:
I laughed so hard! Thanks I needed that as I prepare for the dreaded "yearly exam" that I have this morning.... Since I had a c-section and my tubes tied, I didn't get to experience this amusement. I'm glad I got to witness yours! Hilarious!
228. Diane said:
One of the funniest things I have ever read. Cracking up at my desk...thank you.
229. Penelope said:
LOVE this. Hilarious!
230. Anonymous said:
Loved it! Best story ever! Actually laughed out loud over my morning eggs. Thanks! :)
Frozen peas Jon!! You'll live...it's not like being cut from side to side and having a 9lb something pulled out of you but it's ALMOST the same I'm sure. ;)
231. Anonymous said:
Loved it! Best story ever! Actually laughed out loud over my morning eggs. Thanks! :)
Frozen peas Jon!! You'll live...it's not like being cut from side to side and having a 9lb something pulled out of you but it's ALMOST the same I'm sure. ;)
232. bev said:
I spent the first 16 years of my life in a very conservative Christian church and when my parents got pissed because they had things like...oh...EVIL GUITARS being played during the hymns we went to the Church of Christ. Not the liberal, Lutheran-light Church of Christ. The ones who think pianos in church are SINFUL.
Anywho. We thought those Baptists were going to hell because of some minor deviation in how they viewed baptism. And you Mormons?! Oh. My. God. Hell-bound cultists for certain. So I went and did an even more heinous and ruinous act and married me a (recovering) Catholic. And in an act of on-going rebellion, I've stayed married to him for 25 years.
Yes. All this just to spite my mother.
Anywho two. We would never have used the word "Jesus" without it being in a complete sentence. Otherwise it's akin to cussin' and nobody fucking wants that kind of goddamned shit to happen.
233. Claire said:
I spent the entirety of this email laughing like a fool. I hate to laugh at such a delicate procedure but that was hilarious. Oh, and I live scarily close to Valdosta, Georgia and that place scares me.
234. Yum said:
OMFG. I'm reading this at work and I had to close my office door because I was SNORTING. Hilarious. I mean, you know, also traumatic for Jon... But HA!
235. neg said:
More snow pictures please! I miss Christmas and winter.
236. Kate said:
Jazz Hands for Jesus!
237. Greet said:
I love reading your blog and all that, but I think it's kind of mean to laugh at Jon like that. Being operated is not funny at all. And I don't think you were a lot of help to him. I feel kind of offended in his place.
238. libby @ ninesandquines said:
oh for fuck's sake! my stomach hurts WAY too much from laughing!!!!! OMG!!!! welcome back heather :-)
239. Michelle said:
Best story ever!
240. Chris said:
My husband would not LET me go with him - he made my DAD, yes, his FIL, take him. My husband is the biggest baby ever, so I can only imagine what this was like. He spent three days on the couch with his frozen peas.
241. Onepot @ onepot.wordpress.com said:
Awe... wishing Jon's naughty bits (and his bruised psyche) a speedy recovery.
242. Anonymous said:
Are you or Jon going to tell us some of the thought process that led up to this huge decision (a la your 3-post-build-up to your natural labor?) I'm really interested.
244. Katherine SOLO dot MOM said:
This is the best story... I literally laughed out loud while reading it. And yes... if I ever marry again... he will get the vasectomy. (side note: it only took me three minutes to scroll back up and find the word spelled correctly so I could type that.)
Thanks for sharing.
245. Marie said:
That was hilarious. I hate laughing at the expense of another person's balls, but that was a great story. Hilarious clip, too! Men and their man colds.
246. doahleigh said:
Oh my hell, hilarious.
Oh, and poor Jon too.
247. Simone said:
Hilarious! Love the vid too!
xx
248. Kelly said:
Oh my, I laughed until I cried at this post. "Dude, it's only a napkin". My office-mates now think I'm crazy. I think your hubby and mine saw the same video. Ask him about the guy with the handlebar moustache...
249. Lara said:
HAHAAHA! That is AWESOME. "I'm not even touching you!" Hilarious!
On a related note, I know a urologist who gave HIMSELF a vasectomy. Tell that one to Jon and see if he passes out. :)
250. Fellow Utahn said:
I think we're living parallel lives. My 4 year old daughter just told me yesterday that she was "courageous" because she got her flu shot and Mommy was "courageous" too because she got hers. And my hubby just had his consultation for the big snip. It's next week. I'll have him read this. Watch it buddy! So great.
251. Sandy said:
Oh this is too funny! Thank god I haven't started MY coffee yet - otherwise I'd be cleaning up a keyboardfull of java....
Thanks for starting my Friday off right. Trick or treat!
252. Anne said:
You are funny and comment #17 make me laugh right out loud. I am so glad to read a truly funny blog. I got started reading blogs through my nephew's wife's blog. They are Mormon, so I click on all of these Mormon Mommy blogs from theirs. I discovered Cjane and read her blog. Her fans always talk about how hard they laugh, peeing their pants, tears streaming down their faces when they read her funny blog entries. I thought something was wrong with me, as I didn't even smirk at these supposedly funny entries. Now, I know I have not lost my sense of humor. Thank you and your commenters.
253. Jacqui said:
Lord have mercy. If not for the hilarity that ensued, I'd have just suggested that you have the Essure procedure. I had that done recently, and had no side effects and no discomfort. It's totally non surgical. Painless... and whine-free. :o)
254. Craig said:
I grew up on a farm and spent a majority of my Saturdays in high school castrating six-week old male pigs to prevent breeding.
Twenty years later, I went to "the vet" and had an experience EXACTLY like Jon's. I told the urologist I couldn't help but equate those Saturday morning castrations with my vasectomy. He assured me they were two completely different procedures, but I don't ever remember laughing like a sadist when I worked on the pigs.
My personal theory: urologists (God love 'em) were those kids who got chosen last for kickball in grade school and this is their long-awaited revenge on mankind. Never again.
255. Tara said:
You should have put a warning in the title to not read at work. I was laughing so hard that I literally snorted and then snot blew out of my nose. Nice right?
256. Kimmyvb10 said:
Bwwahahaha, I love trying to contain my laughter while at work when reading some of your posts!!!! Somehow explaining what I'm laughing at is never fully understood but the video clip definitely helps, thanks for the laughs. Best wishes for a full recovery Jon and bring me my bell:-)
257. Tracy said:
Coming from the wife who is waiting for the husband to get the big "V", I have never laughed so hard in my life. I called my husband and read him the story (not sure he got it all through my hysterical cracking up)... and my repetition of the word ABSTINENCE seemed to overcome the horror of the knife! Keep up the good work!
258. Penny said:
Oh I love it Heather. And I'm sorry Jon for all the pain you have been through.
Just wanted to add my two cents here. My sister had 2 kids, 13 and 11 and was DONE with babies, thus her hubby's vasectomy after the 11 year old was born. You know that even vasectomies fail, right? My sister now has a 25 year old, 23 year old and 12 year old - yep, his name is Tommy. Vasectomy meet glitch. Hope it works out for you Heather and I'm sorry if I just scared the be-jesus out of you.
259. Shana in Texas said:
So funny!! I wish I could have been there for my husband's procedure - he was there for the c-section and the VBAC and I would have gladly held his hand for a couple of snips and stiches! BTW, the urologist has the greatest name ever Dr. Dick Chopp. My husband even has a t-shirt (camo 'cause it's Texas). Apparently, it's the re-growth of hair that's the worse - akin to a porcupine in the pants.
260. Jen said:
wow. My hubby is superman. He went in by himself when he had it done. I was a nervous wreck for him, he said it was no big deal. I had to force him to relax with an ice pack for the first day.
I hope Jon recovers nicely. The bruising REALLY scared me, so hope it's not too bad for him.
J
261. Anonymous said:
Make sure Jon keeps his post-op appointments to check and see if "he's shooting blanks." Because, until then, the "V" will not be foolproof.
262. Theresa said:
Yay Jon! I think we've established that your husband is the best good sport EVER, but this is really the best. Thanks for sharing your NAD-DEFUSION with us!
263. herbette said:
I'm reading this post (hilarious), and notice that all the ads are for plumbing services- cooincidence? I think not!
264. Anna said:
Oh, I feel so sorry for Jon.
Hope that he's fine with you making fun of what sounds like his worst nightmare.....
Despite that, you have two lucky girls - they get to have the best, caring and wonderfully humorous parents all to themselves!
265. Dawn said:
2 things not at all related to your husband's nads:
1) Many years ago, we saw Wilson Pickett, may he RIP, in concert, and that man was so charismatic that for 15 minutes straight, he had an entire crowd of people going, "I say Wilson, you say Pickett! WILSON! PICKETT! WILSON! PICKETT!
2) In playing Password one night with a group of friends, the word was "Hobo", and these are the words that got us to that answer: homeless, train, bandana, stick.
266. Aunt LoLo said:
Oh. My. Gosh. I am laughing so hard I am crying.
*snip snip*
(Wanna know something funny? My "secret word" below is "ingrates." Heh.)
267. Myra said:
Never a truer word has been written.
I sat in the waiting room while my husband has his vasectomy (I'm a trusting soul). The urologist is the tops in this area and had advised earlier that he would soon be doing his 1,000th vasectomy (or some milestone like that)... I joked about how it would be celebrated.. would there be a confetti and balloon drop? Anyway, I was just starting my magazine article when out walks my husband and I'm all about to get in his face about dude, did you chicken out? etc. when it turns out the whole thing was done just so fast. We paid so I'm assured the deed was done.
It was the recovery that caused ME the most grief. Oy.
But as my father did say: "A real man gets a vasectomy. Good job."
268. Anonymous said:
OH! MY! GAWD! It took me f-o-r-e-v-e-r to read that. I was laughing so hard my monitor was rocking! *wipes eyes* I'm so sorry, Jon.
269. tgaytan75 said:
I loved seeing the man cold actually documented. It was captured so well. Loved the going to the Dr. for a snip story too. Poor bunny.
270. Anonymous said:
The Valium pre-procedure cocktail mede it all worth it for me. That four or five hours was the best I've felt in my life. Ever.
271. Melissa said:
Two V's that no man or woman should ever see....
1) the Vagina while a woman is giving birth.... It's been months and I'm still told that it was "life-changing" and "will never be quite the same, though I still love you"
and
2) The Vasectomy - though I truely believe every man should have to endure one, once he puts his wife through the pain of childbirth a couple times.
Hope Jon feels better soon!
272. Alicia said:
This brings back memories of my husband's vasectomy - where we learned that he doesn't respond well to local anesthetic. Yeah, Jon, imagine a natural vasectomy, similar to your wife's natural childbirth. Apparently that's what my man endured. Poor dude. And the whole time he's writhing and groaning, the doctor is going, "You can feel that?" ALL WHILE HE KEEPS ON SLICING.
And what happens? I end up getting pregnant again anyway. Yeah, probably not what you want to hear. Heh.
Happy ball-healing, Jon!
273. mpotter said:
here's hoping he heals well.
and forgives you your laughter! (how did you last as long as you did??)
274. Anonymous said:
To Helen #174. My husband told me before we started our family, that he would go and get snipped when we were done having children. He told me it was the least he could do for our family. I was the one that had to go through the 9 months of pregnancy and then the delivery. Well, my first two pregnancies ended in c-sections. So we decided if I ended up with a third c-section they would already have me open and tie my tubes. Needless to say my third pregnancy ended with a natural delivery. I literally pushed my son out and turned to my husband and said," That hurt, you're calling the doctor and I am never doing that again!" And he did! He kept his promise. I am proud to be his wife!
275. Teri said:
I now know for sure that the office thinks that I am CRAZY considering I am sitting in my office alone yet laughing like I had Dane Cook sitting across the desk from me. I think I even peed my pants a little.
276. Mike said:
Hi,
My wife forwarded this to me, unbelievably funny! I am considering getting a vasectomy, PLEASE blog over the next few weeks some details on what went well, what went wrong, side effects (real only, not imagined), and any tips you have.
Thanks!
Mike
277. Nik said:
OHHHHHH OH, PLEASE STOP, TEARS ARE STREAMING DOWN MY FACE FROM LAUGHING SOOO HARD! My husband and I have been "trying" to get this procedure accomplished for going on about 3 years, and now I think I see why it has not yet occurred!! The best part in our situation is that I can totally see this scenario playing out for us in a similar manner since Brian absolutely hates needles poking him, yet my tough country boy (and former veterinary assistant) keeps saying it's such a simple procedure, all you have to do is take some scissors and it's done, why in the heck do you have to go talk to the doctor first and then have to make a separate appointment to do it!
278. Swiper said:
Dear Dooce,
You are married to a wimp. How pathetic! I've never heard of a wife holding a "man's" hand during a vasectomy. The whole procedure is pretty minor. Sad.
Your pal,
Swiper
279. Mrs. G. said:
You're a better woman than me trying to hold back. I would not have been so nice. But then again, you did blog about it!
280. Swiper said:
P.S.
Your baby is still adorable, no matter how pathetic your "man" is. At least he was good for something.
Your friend,
Swiper
281. jo-anne said:
There is nothing like laughing your head off to the point of tears first thing in the morning!
I luv you guys!
282. Jado said:
Yes, very funny. But more to the point, this post has a ready-made masthead quote in it.
"Dooce : Like a Nauseated Hobo"
PLEASE tell me that you will use this. It's so very evocative of the website in general, and this post in particular.
We love you all, even Coco the Flitterbrain
283. Amy G. said:
LOVE this post! And love the YouTube video, too - just posted it to my FB page. Never was a truer video made... ;)
(Way to go, Jon! Feel better, pal.)
284. Anonymous said:
AAArgh! I had four babies and was never offered anything but Tylenol for the pain afterward. My husband goes for a vasectomy and gets darvocet?! WTF? His "incisions," if you could call them that, were MAYBE 2 mm long.
In all fairness, he didn't take them.
285. Kim Hosey (AZ Writer) said:
Poor guy.
And I LOVE that video. I forced my husband to watch it. So, so true.
286. Health Grants said:
What an interesting read, thanks for the great posting.
287. Laura said:
I'm new to your blog, probably been reading for about 2 months now. But this one, is classic, and has got to be one of the most hilarious things I have read lately. Trying to stifle my boisterous laugh here in the office and look inconspicuous but it's not working. I could totally picture everything like I was right there with you. Someone needs to make this into an episode.
288. berit said:
yea, i'm gonna need $4.84 to replace the MAYBELLINE mascara that just ran down my face here at work as i laughed/sobbed...
289. Sandra in BC said:
Hilarious!!
Hubby had a no-scalpel vasectomy. He drove himself and was home in less than 90 minutes, including the post op 'recovery' and travel time.
Seriously...no needle, no scalpel.
http://www.pollockclinics.com/nsv.html
The op itself was nothing. The key to uneventful recovery is FOLLOW DRS. ORDERS. (JON, ARE YOU LISTENING???) The post op kit/instructions/ruleS are more important than the op itself.
290. Brenda said:
I've had 5 kids. 4 without meds. YES. You read that right.... naturally. After #5 I said... WE ARE DONE. The oven is closed. And I got snipped and whatever they do. And......life has been so much better....well that and I divorced his sorry ass 10 years later.
So..... to whoever it was above me.... about childbirth not being painful..... ya, you push out a kid.... butt first weighing in at 8 # 9 1/2 oz... and tell me if you can walk the next day.
Speedy recovery Jon!
291. girlplease said:
Well there you have it. He doesn't need a vasectomy since he has no balls.
Badum bump.
Thank you, I'll be playing here all week.
292. girlplease said:
oh and at least he won't pee when he sneezes, coughs, laughs, or tries to hold it a bit longer than he really should.
Oh pelvic floor muscles, how I wish you were here and in tact.
Balls!
293. yoyo mama said:
My husband passed out at the consultation... He woke up on the floor with 3 nurses surrounding him and his pants around his ankles. He said it was a collaboration of the tightest ball squeeze he has ever experienced and just discussing what was going to happen to them. Poor guy.
294. Heather said:
Although, I should be commenting on John's recent loss... I can't help but think about my days in church camp. It went a little something like this, "We love Jesus how about you?" The boys from the dorm across the campus would shout back, "We love Jesus yes we do. We love Jesus how about you?" I don't remember if there was some sort of prize for being the most obnoxious Jesus loving tween, but there should have been!!
295. Anonymous said:
You are the silliest woman alive.
296. HoustonGurly said:
Hilarious! I love the video! :)
297. Agi said:
OH-MA-GAWD, I love that clip! I'm am so sending it my BF to watch. So it's not only me! I'm not the only one so heartless and unmoved when my poor bunny has a cold. The world is laughing!
Yesterday, my Jason got stung by a bee, on the mouth. It wasn't a pretty sight, and I bet it stung like shit. But, HOURS later, when the swelling was already half way DOWN the hill, getting smaller and hardly visible, he was still moaning and hissing whenever I tried to kiss him and whisper "Ow, watch out, baby. I got stung by a bee today. ON THE MOUTH!"
"Oy, I'm sorry, you my little poor bunny you."
298. AG said:
You know, it's not necessarily "forever." You can have those things reversed. And, if Jon thinks the snip is bad, he should just imagine the unsnip.
That was one time I actually felt that my hubbie really was "my poor little bunny." His entire "area" was black and blue for well over a week.
Yes, frozen peas are good. Frozen peas that my stepdaughter then, unaware of their previous purpose, used to make fried rice.
Also, when my hubbie originally had his snip, his [insert adjective here] ex made him work a garage sale the next morning. So, really Jon, Heather is like a saint to you right now.
299. Stephanie said:
I am eating my turkey sandwich, crying silently, because I am laughing so hard! Heather you are a genius.
300. Anonymous said:
Jon, Heather called and the car is in the shop. You're gonna have to ride your bike.
301. Lainey said:
i've dated two men who have been post-vasectomy babies, so never say never. you could be a family of five.