• gammybird1

    And when the darlings get older you can use the I’ll remove the games off the computer if you don’t………… Yes, we did it. What you have there is the beginnings of “baby PMS.” Midol works if YOU take it.

  • platypus

    For what it’s worth I’d say I’d have handled that situation in exactly the same way. Leta’s behaviour was absolutely typical of kids of that age too. So no hating from me.

    When I was Leta’s age, my parents committed some terrible (imagined) slight against me so I went and sat on the stairs. I was copying a friend of mine who used to do that and mutter, savagely, “I HATE Mummy and I HATE Daddy” etc. etc.

    I got it a bit wrong. “Mummy hates me, and Daddy hates me…” and started sobbing in self-pity whilst everyone laughed their asses off at my melodrama.

  • Candy

    Wait until she’s 14 and you take her phone away….(oh yes, I did it)

  • Candy

    Oh yeah, and then there was the day when she was 5 and I sent her to her room, after which she stood at the top of the stairs sobbing “I (sob) need (sob) my (sob) fa (sob) ma (sob) ly.”

  • stacey

    My sister told me a story about her friend and her daughter and your story reminded me of that.

    It was breakfast and the kid wanted waffled. Mom says, “We don’t have waffles, you can have cereal or pancakes.” Kid says “I want waffles!” and mom repeats the cereal or pancakes option. Kid starts to cry her eyes out because she wants waffles dammit. Mom says something along the lines of “I know you’re sad because you want waffles but we don’t have any waffles. So you can either choose to be sad or choose to be happy but either way, we still don’t have any waffles.” And the kid, through the tears and sniffles says “I… *sniff*… choose… *sob*… happy!”. The way my sister tells it is adorable.

  • jessicak

    So sad to read all the comments about how hard girls are…I just don’t see it that way. I got so tired of people telling me what a pain my inutero daughter was going to be when she turned 12. People – quit doing that to pregnant women!!!

  • JackifromDE

    Erika, Your post stabbed me in the heart..my daughters used to say the same thing about me being the cause of all of the uproar (insert reason here)..they even told our family therapist this (a woman, and I highly recommend having one on board)..said therapist was able to show them the error of their ways (including passive/aggressive hubby)..anyhoo, many years have passed, girls are now 19 & 20, marriage is entering 23 years, and I totally have their love and respect, which is all I wanted all along. Peace and harmony now reigns, and I resist the temptation on a daily basis to say “I told you so!” My daughters are loving, confident young women, and my husband gives me much credit (he is a great dad)…so stick to your guns, and keep your eye on the big picture…I’m rooting for you!!

  • Pooperchanger

    Let the good times roll!!!!! We have a 7 year old terror…really she is a good kid…never been to jail, never high jacked a plane…good kid all around. But BOY oh BOY does she pout. And BOY oh BOY do I send her to her room quite often now. I’ve heard it only gets worse. I keep telling my mother I’m sorry.

  • DesignerMama

    You’re so super awesome.

  • crazymama

    Oh my God. This just made my chest heavy and I let out a huge sigh. I live this every day with my almost five year old girl. So much drama. I think Leta and my daughter are kindred spirits. I write this just minutes after she reminded me for the umpteenth time that she hates my new haircut and that I’ll never be a princess because I look like Mover Scott.*SIGH*

  • Barbara E.

    “Je m’appelle le croissant.” Quelle coincidance! MY name is bagel!!

    I say you displayed phenomenal patience. What’s to judge? Oh, nevermind. Forgot where we were. Yeah, duck.

  • mommaCEO

    Lately I have been wondering what aliens have taken over my 5 YO boy’s body but after reading the comments, I see its all normal.

    The latest round of insanity was about a toy. He insisted he gets it. Our response was either put it on your christmas list or save up your $. “You always say that”, “can’t we combine our $ so I can buy it”, “you are not fair” and on and on.

    I have a 8 mo old with poor sleeping habits, so zero patience here.

    Threats and fear, yep that’s my style too.

  • Barbara E.

    Shee-yit!! First AGAIN, yo!!

  • jscrmil1

    Way to go, Jon and Heather! I work for one of the top 10 US web destinations and know how much hard work went into this. Great job!

  • Meg

    I want a Nintendo DS! Now I’m sad. FOREVER.

  • Jennifer M.

    I just read this whole post to my 14 year old daughter who laughed hysterically and said “Leta’s only 5? They’re in trouble!”

  • Lisa in Seattle

    At least you’re prepared! And Leta is ready for Hollywood’s call at any time … tho of course you’d have to go with her to enable her descent into darkness. :)

  • Nopenname

    People freaking out over DSes for five year olds, I have three in this house, One that is broken at the hinge but the kids use (the three year old mainly plays with this one) A red DS lite the six year old mainly plays, and my new sexy super pink DSi. This is just what happens when you let the geek kids grow up and access the bank accounts.

    Also, hey! My six year old is going on sixteen too! She was about four and a half when the hands on the hips leaning over shaking her head side to side when she snaps at me sassy mcsassyness started. At the end of the long day I often find myself saying “go in your room I don’t want to look at that snotty mean face anymore.” To which she HUFFS AND STOMPS OFF AND SLAMS HER DOOR. I plan on buying a 16 year old sized cage now just to make sure I’m prepared for the ACTUAL teen years.

  • Daddy Scratches

    Apparently, Leta and my son have been reading from the same “How to Be A Disgruntled Child” book.

    Often heard around my house: “Aye aye aye! You’re giving me a headache! This is the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!” Yeah, the worst day in all of his six years.

    The Worst Daddy In The World.

  • bgirl927

    LOVE it! My child has 5 different types of crackers on his plate with a bite taken out of each of them and now he’s “all done”. I wish I had the patience to put together an action plan–now I’m listening to “more cracka”. Good luck with Leta! I’m glad I have boys!

  • tracy from Toronto

    First time commenting, long time reader! Am I first??!! Thank you for the Community, Heather!!!
    We are your loyal Doocebags, coming to your community with our Doocebaggage!

  • dorothyparker

    Ha, ha, ha! The only people who will send critical mail will be those who have no children or those who have children and are heavily over-medicated (parent or child). What you just described there is real life. There’s often a wide gap between the parent you strive to be and the parent you actually are (especially when you’re tired).

  • http://www.americasnexttopmommy.blogspot.com Licha

    Ugh. I’m all too familiar with this morning craziness!! This morning we had a 15 minute battle because I said something completely crazy like “put your coat on, it’s cold outside”. But I have too many kids to worry about arguing. I let her little smart ass shiver in the cold at the bus stop while her teeth chattered and cracked and fell out of her head. I bet she’ll remember her coat tomorrow!

  • Ashley in OK

    At least you didn’t do “Shingles” right in her face. I swear that’s my DO. WHAT. I. SAID. look and it scares the living crap. You’d think I’d learn – it gets me nowhere except children paralyzed with fear and still unable to follow instruction. Is there such a place as “Fine, gas your friends out with your breath.” avoiding the whole crazy eyeballs all together?

  • JennKD

    Both of my girls are doing the same thing. The 7 year old and I got into an entire discussion over what “possession” entails. Because if Santa gave her the object, then I have no legal authority to take it away. What!?! And no, at that point I started talking about taking away her bed and making her sleep on the floor, because, by god, I bought the bed. Ugh.

  • PaigeWAydensMama

    In response to #21, one of the best lines from a movie ever: “You’ve ruined my life!”…”Well, we’ll fix it later!” :-D Hayden Panetierre (sp?) and Joan Cusack in Raising Helen.

  • bucky4eyes

    I predict that her PMS will last about, oh, nine years. In the meantime, I foresee a diary filled with tragic poetry. She and Chuck will probably like the same music.

  • Scribe

    My 14 yr old daughter was a nightmare as a young child. I was told that she would be just like that in her teenage years, only worse. It’s true. I used to be the kinder, gentler parenting type. I am here to tell you that some fear is a good thing. She’s currently in therapy (long story involving an ex). We were having a repetitive discussion about her lack of effort in school. I said if she just got it handled we wouldn’t have to talk anymore because this is all we talk about anyway. She nastily replies, “Well, what do I need you for anyway? I have Ashley (her therapist)!” I responded, “Because Ashley doesn’t pay for the fucking roof over your head, sweetheart!”
    Apparently, I was channeling my dead father…

  • http://www.vintagelilliput.blogspot.com Tracee

    I’m so glad I’m not the only parent who gets these pity party invitations! My Lilly is 7 1/2 and becomes so sad and gets her “feelings hurt”. I’ve been perplexed as how to deal with it. I don’t recall ever having been that dramatic as a child.???

  • gouldie64

    You’re doing better than me. This morning my son told me that he was going to put me in jail forever because I told him to QUIT PLAYING AROUND AND BRUSH HIS TEETH ALREADY!

  • Mommy that pinches

    Sounds familiar. My daughter often yells “HELP” when we’re in the grocery store together. It’s always nice to see other shoppers giving the “What kind of mother are you” look. I would give helpful parenting advice if I had any at all.

  • strattim

    I have a 4 y/o who constantly reminds me that “you don’t let me do ANYTHING!”.

    Last night he told me he was “not going to love me anymore” after I told him, yes, he was going to put on his pajamas.

  • http://www.francescafinejewelry.com Jean

    Girls are something else. I have three kids and my middle child is a girl. She just turned 20 today and is home with the flu. She is calling me every five seconds. They certainly keep you on your toes. Boys are so much easier. LOL

  • angelbee

    My daughter is now 14.

    Things don’t really change that much.

  • rachsee

    my parents totally used the fear tactic, and it totally worked. although i definitely needed therapy later on, it got me dressed in the morning. and that’s the overall goal, right?

    but seriously, it’s fine. she’ll get over it. or will she?!?! dun dun DUUUNNN!

  • Diana The Doggy Mommy

    It’s hard, so very hard, trying to come up with ways to get them to do what you need done. I also use the iPhone timer to the point where Caiden now tells me set the timer!

    But the pouting thing, how do they learn that? I get the shoulders dragging on the floor and then “YOUR MEAN”!

    In my day, if I didn’t do what I was told, I got a spanking. When I got older, restriction from things I loved to do. I don’t remember feeling abused or not loved.

    Sorry but I did have a great laugh out of this episode of Leta, good to know everybody has the same problems. WHEW!

  • Jan

    Right on!
    And thanks for the community!

  • Red Fury

    Heather, you are making me look good!

    When I ask my (two boys) to get dressed, one of them invariably falls and hurts himself. I try not to but can’t help myself from saying, “That is god punishing you for not putting your pants on”.

    I am going to hell but they seem to be fine.

  • Mia Mei

    I want an invitation to the tooth brushing game! Is it BYOB?

  • wendysurf

    My hubby takes our oldest to school. When he was in kindergarten we were having trouble with him reading and lollygaggying. So my husband and I devised a plan that my hubby leave without him. I of course had to take him to school, but it was worth it because I only had to take him once. He never lollygags because he knows if he does he’ll be stuck going to school with Mom.

  • Mrs.tyDoan

    I just wrote a novel of a comment about my 17 month old and the hell that she is going to give me for the rest of her existence because she’s so freaking independent…but then I realized I wasn’t logged in.

    So in short. I don’t see anything to judge here. I’d be far less composed.

  • Duchess of Blog

    Oh, the drama that will continue to fill your house for years to come will only grow greater as the teen years approach. You failed to initiate my favorite parenting technique…bribery.

  • vaptor

    Oh Heather….. I’m afraid it will get muuuuch worse before it gets better! I have 7 year old boy/girl twins, and I’m telling you – the drama that surrounds my girl is i n c r e d i b l e. But, the girl that can make you feel like your head will explode one minute, is also the girl who fills your heart with so much joy that you fear it too might explode – am I right?!
    Thanks for all that you do Heather – your writing is feakin’ awsome!

  • Girassol

    This post and the following comments are hella good birth control.

  • insanelyme

    Toothbrushing game??? What a great idea!!

    I feel your pain, the guilt trip is a daily occurance in my home. Just think … soon you’ll have it x2.

  • TheYouthInAsia

    I took a page out of the Dooce handbook and tweeted about my issues with the VA getting me my education benefits. I heard back withing 12 hours and should have my issues resolved by tomorrow. And I don’t feel like a bully!

  • lisa boomerang

    The sadness and guilt is refreshing. My 7 year old would start by saying “you aren’t the boss of me” and it would degrade all the way down to her standing out in front of the school in her PJs. I’ll show you who’s the boss!

    Anyhow, love the site, thanks for the frank commentary.

  • Damaris Santos-Palmer


  • tlkaply

    I, for one, think a little healthy fear is the difference between kids I don’t mind seeing in public places and children I feel the urge to dropkick.

  • Noelle

    I was going to say Dooooooooce, buy me a pony or I will be sad for many days and won’t know how to go on with the rest of my life….but in order to leave this simple comment I had to re-direct and create an account then check my email, then change my password then re-direct back to the website -and I’m really not usually all that invested in blogs – especially not commenting on blogs- so I must really like you for going through all that….so now, because of all this, I am going to say:
    GODDAAMMMIT Dooce, you owe me a GODDAMN pony!