The inside track
Last week Leta learned how to make get well cards at school, and so over the weekend she ran with that idea, holed herself up in her room and started her own printing press:
I have to admit, yes, this is adorable and such a sweet gesture, but the first thing I thought is OH GOD. MARCO? Not only do we have to deal with the whole MARIO scenario, now people might mistake the L for a C?! Are we going to spend the rest of our lives going, no, in fact I did not name my daughter Marco, but I appreciate your concern. Now, let's have a talk about your son, Kayedynne.
Sorry, that was mean. But if you live in Utah YOU TOTALLY UNDERSTAND, AM I RIGHT?
Anyway, we suggested that it might be a good idea to make cards for all the grandparents; for Grandmommy, for Grandpa Rob, for Grandpa Mike, for Grandma Nelta, for Grandma Della— and she was all, WAIT WAIT WAIT. That's WAY too much, and she says, "How about I just do one for Linda and Rob?"
"Why just one for Linda and Rob?" I asked, learning for the first time that she knows my mother's first name.
"Because I don't want to have to do all that writing. I'd get SO tired."
I told her we'd help her with all those other names, and as she handed me this card she leaned in close to my ear and whispered, "Guess what Linda does sometimes?"
Always eager for gossip on my mother I said, "Please tell me what Linda does sometimes!" I cannot wait until she is old enough that I can follow up that sentence with, "How about another martini!"
"Sometimes," she said, "sometimes Linda calls Rob, 'ROBERT'!!" And then she gasped as if she had just revealed that Grandmommy is actually a baby-killing liberal who hopes for a public option.
My eyes widened as far as they could go, and I was all NO SHE DOESN'T! And Leta was all OH HELL YES! Except without the HELL. It's just, that was the expression on her face. And if she knew that I wouldn't take away her Nintendo DS for saying it, she probably would have.
So I called my mother and said, dude, do I ever have the dirt on you.
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Heather talks about Valentine's Day on today's Momversation.
- I know zero about sports, but my entire heart is screaming, "Go Saints! Go Saints!" I am a stereotypical woman. TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, JON!
- Marlo has a tooth! So says the blood that she drew when she grabbed my hand and tried to gnaw off my thumb!
- Leta won't eat her birthday cake. I guess we should have made it out of chicken nuggets and iced it with refried beans.
1. meganbeth said:
Oh hell to the yes :)
2. Jacquie said:
Kids love a good scandal, don't they? I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the handmade card phase, it just never gets old. I exploited the total weirdness that my own children offered on my recent birthday cards by posting them on my blog. Yes, yes we are saving for therapy:
http://meandyouandellie.blogspot.com/2009/11/littie-vilege.html
3. radkitch said:
watch her....i have a feeling she'll sell you out in a NY minute! Leta and her state secrets...
4. fat mum slim said:
Oh I love kids and how excited they get.
Such scandal!
5. Mrs. Williams said:
Kids are just AWESOME for dirt. My kid is like the Perez Hilton of little girls.
6. Daddy Scratches said:
Very funny. Always interesting to get reports from the kids about your parents.
Of course, in our case, we usually have to follow our kids' revelations with a brief word or two about how their grandparents sometimes are completely insane.
7. Karla J said:
I made the mistake of telling my Mom my son was conceived while on vacation at Marco Island. She called him Marco until I finally made her stop.
8. KellyKjellberg said:
oh fuck! thats hilareous!
9. cshift3 said:
Kids will say anything and everything. Which is good when it's about other people, but not as funny when it's about me...
Once my 8 year old daughter asked me if I forgot to take my crazy pills.
And everyone at my kids school knows that I'm allergic to bromine...TMI!!
10. proud momma of one said:
I can't wait until my 7 month old can talk! haha! Hilarious!
11. firefly1818 said:
How about an easy nickname for Mario-Marco...? something simple, like...ummm...like MARIA???
12. Janice said:
More importantly - how long did the telephone call with your mother last? Did you break any records?
13. Penelope said:
This cracks me up. My mother had my son over the weekend while I was gone and he informed me, in hushed tones upon my arrival, that GRANDMA TOOK ME OUT FOR FAST FOOD. And I've been drinking chocolate milk all weekend. So there, Mom. Hope you had fun.
14. kristanhoffman said:
Hmm, maybe there should be a Leta series of greeting cards in your Dooce store? ;D
15. Bibbitybobbityb... said:
Oh my god, Kayedynne... What the hell is wrong with these parents. They've ensured that their kid will forever have to assist their teacher in the pronunciation of their name. Utah is the wacko made up name capital.
Kids and dirt = pure comedy. My oldest is the TMZ of the neighborhood. Who's mom got a boob job, who's dad secretly drinks beer in the garage (gasp), who's dog keeps leaving presents near the front door of the grouchy lady on the corner. We get it all. She should blog about it. It's good stuff. (Yes, we live in Utah in a neighborhood where more than half of the women have eyelash extensions (I know, WTF right?), new boobs, multiple trainers, and nannies... but they all stay home. And, where their husbands have lots of little secrets that help them stay sane!)
16. tanyaself said:
Can I first just say what a beautiful girl Leta is. What a great pic of her before she is off to school to learn how to make cards. She will be running Hallmark before long!
17. mommaruthsays said:
She certainly has got this whole gossip thing down pat; who knows she could become the Perez Hilton of the Salt Lake City area!
18. Jenni said:
I totes thought it said "Marco." Don't hurt me.
19. TexasKatie said:
Watch out with the little kid tattlers - I have one of those at home! :-) How cute that Leta thought that was such a juicy tidbit, though - she is too cute.
20. lifewithkids said:
LOL, I totally thought she was going to say that sometimes your mom tooted. I hope that doesn't make me sound to adolescent.
21. simpliSAHM said:
Oh yes, as a former Utah resident/Mormon I'm all too familiar with the weird name spellings, but to fair, let's not forget about naming kids after prophets/general authorities.
22. Daisy JD said:
One of the (few) things I miss about living in Utah is the birth announcements. How many times will the phrase "Aubriella is not a real name" have to escape my lips in one lifetime? I'd argue that once is once too many.
23. LovingDanger said:
At least that's the only dirt she's got... I'm sure when my daughter is Leta's age she'll come home and tell me all about how Grandma hates the Chinese. Yep, cause I've got a lovely mother in law like that!
24. MichelleC said:
I am from Utah and I SO GET the whole name thing. It's like everyone around here (mostly the Mormons)makes up names with "creative spelling" to throw us all off. And there always seems to be an "ay/den" attached to it. Brayden, Cayden, Kaylance, Tayden GRRRR! Enough with the creative names and spelling (you know who you are).
25. marialoo said:
It's not just Utah that has the crazy names. Sometimes I think parents start with a grab bag of letters (both lower case and capital) and punctuation, just pulling random stuff out until they have a "name". Ij'laTay'ah or some crazines.
26. Lara said:
How's this for a name: Tamaleana. No? OK, Kambryn? Haylen? Maybe Mirrorosa? I kid you not, these are all names of children on my current case docket. Mirrorosa alone is grounds for filing an abuse and neglect petition, don't you agree?
27. alice q. said:
At least you didn't name Marlo something that starts with the letter V or else people might confuse her name with Vernal Independence. Oh lord.
28. yogafan said:
Okay, one of the names on that list was Abcde?? I guess the logical progression is Fghij, Klmno, etc. Also, moments like that- with Leta- make me want to have kids.
29. WebSavyMom said:
-->I saw Marco on her card and thought, Uh Oh. Maybe you should just start calling her Marlo Polo?
~deb
30. jenspillman said:
They have NaLa'DeLuhRay listed as a boy's name. Whatever, it's totally a girl's name.
31. Karen Chatters said:
Hopefully you were able to get the dirt on your mom to your mom in 45 seconds or less. You know, before she hangs up on you.
32. d3 voiceworks said:
I sent the Utah Baby Namer link to friends and family. Subject line: This is where I live
Thank gawd the name Emilio (Lio) is NOT on that list.
Gobble, gobble!
33. JackJillPutUpABlog said:
She could always go the J.Lo route and do: Mar.Lo
She's just Mar.Lo from the block... in Utah.
34. kimplasters said:
That's it. I'm packing my stuff, moving to Utah and getting pregnant - with a boy - JUST so I can put "Azer Baloo" on his birth certificate. I'd do it here, but I think North Carolina has some kind of law requiring that the first name be an adjective (can refer to size, age or ownership) and the middle name be something that no less than a dozen family members already claim (hence the need for the adjective). The law applies to both sexes, BTW. It should come as no surprise then, that I will be spending this Thanksgiving with Big Jake and Little Jake; Big Britt might be here, but Little Britt ran off with some trucker last I heard; Debbie's David is out of town as is Carter's David, but Big Roger and Roger Junior will most likely make an appearance. Same goes for James, Jim and Jimmy, Uncle Butch and Little Butch and of course, Junior. May not be what you put on her birth certificate, but Mario and Marco both sound better than "Tha Other Marlo".
35. emulli said:
My suggestion for Marlo's name: use all caps for official forms when you're hand-writing. I had a weird last name, and all caps always worked. You may feel strange writing MARLO armstrong, but it's better than her potential trauma at always being Mario or Marco...
36. DudgeOH said:
"Now, let's have a talk about your son, Kayedynne.
Sorry, that was mean. But if you live in Utah YOU TOTALLY UNDERSTAND, AM I RIGHT?"
Holy crap! I followed the link you provided... those names were funny, bizarre or both! I swear that outside of Utah using those names would be grounds for DCFS intervention! *lol*
37. mochajavalatte said:
My cousin is affetionately called the Town Crier. That girl has the dish ON EVERYONE. I just bribe her with candy and lip gloss. Shuts her right up. She's 8.
38. pingersgal said:
I loved my kids cards when they were little..now they are 8 and 10 and their cards are more along the lines of 'Mom, thanks for making us french toast on your bday'. And they have this LOOK on their face like 'uh...it IS your bday and we DID thank you already so whats with the laying in bed thing?'
Just wait..it gets even better as they get older!
39. dabbles said:
i really hope that you were serious about saving money for law school - because it is apparent to me that is where she is headed...
and that link - is that for real. because if so that is the best thing in the world. i am going to the court house today and renaming my children
40. mynightmind said:
I've got a feeling you might like this website:
http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html
41. NolaMomma said:
Love her art work and the scoop on Linda...how cute!
42. kpstan1 said:
Too funny! Your writing always makes me laugh.
43. Robyn L said:
She's hilarious!
And how long was the call to your mom! 41 seconds?
My captcha is Marlo!
44. Monday said:
Wait until she discovers her teachers have first names!
45. Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said:
Did your mother respond in less than 1 minute and 42 seconds?
BTW...Kimplasters comment is classic.
46. Amanda81930 said:
hahaha! I just looked at that website...they have "Kaysional Tempest"...KAYSIONAL TEMPEST!?!?!? Wow, do people REALLY name they're children names like this?? *sigh*
Utah should hang it's head in shame!
SHAME! (like SHINGLES!)
47. MeMyselfandMommy said:
That's awesome. Moanna is a total tattletale. She can't keep a secret and she picks up on everything. We're treading in dangerous waters.
48. Fosterhood said:
Scandalous! I can't wait until she says "hell" though (unless you're keeping that delightful experience from us). And how much longer does she have to wait for that martini? You're so not fair.
49. blue_william said:
Wicked post. So sublime.
50. Becca said:
I so so so so needed to laugh today and now my belly hurts. Thank you Heather.
51. eddeaux said:
OMW. These are my favorite kind of posts... so funny.
Also, Leta's handwriting is better than most adults that I know... and come to think of it, her art is better too.
Happy Thanksgiving Armstrongs!
Eddeaux
52. TropicalPopsicle said:
I think I will now have to start going by Tashley, as seen on the Utah Baby Namer site. It's an excellent mix of my first and last names. Either that or Desdedididawn. Did this whole weird name thing begin with a contest a long time ago? Or maybe a bet gone wrong?
53. apostate said:
Yes, I know what you mean. (sigh)
Because I am from Utah. (sigh)
And it's going to be "wintering" here for 6 more months. (sigh)
(I just wanted to throw that last one in.)
:)
54. amysev said:
Wow - followed the Utah baby name link, and now I fear my daughter is a reincarnated Mormon. What else could explain the fact that she gives her stuffed animals names like Trissa and Lurga? (Lurga is one of her favorites. Many things have been "Lurga for a day"). I really hope it's just a phase (she is only 3, after all) or someday I may have a grandchild named Zyx or somkething equally lovely.
55. Cadence said:
My name is Cadence. I met someone who named their child Kaydynce a few months ago. It made me sad.
56. mamadouce said:
Don't have to be from Utah to get the Kayedynne reference. Even when it is spelled Caden, I just can't get over the fact that it is NOT a name. It is one thing to have a unique name for your kid (i.e. Leta, which is pretty as well as personal for your family, I know) but to start popularizing a made-up name just drives me nuts!!!! I also know 3 different Kaleighs (Kaleigh, Kailee and Caileigh). What the hell?
Oh, and my name is Heather and I once knew someone named Keather and she ALWAYS introduced herself as Keather, it's Heather with a K. ARRRRRGGGG!!! Please, parents-to-be out there, think before ye name!
57. hopelds said:
The name problem seems to exist for even commmon names - we all assume that something like Jane must be spelled some esoteric way, like Jaaynie.
My name is Hope - I get called Faith a lot. My daughter is named Harmony - she gets Melody and Heather. Joy usually remains Joy - sometimes Joi or Joiey.
Stand tall, and teach Marlo - people will get it straigt... someday.
58. agablack said:
My name is Agnieszka. (Did you just try to say it out loud? Good luck.) So I go by Agi (pronounced as Aggie). When I introduce myself, I often help people by saying:
"Hi, I'm Agi. It's like Maggie without the M."
"Nice to meet you, Agi. And where are you from?" they respond.
"From Poland. It's like Holland but with a P."
Marlo is kick ass, btw. Love the name.
59. Star.trippin.as... said:
It's not too late to go Marb...
60. mamanat said:
That list of baby names made me cry. I was laughing that hard. Sorry, Friends Forsaken, but have fun in high school!
61. curlsz said:
As soon as I saw it I thought - MARCO!!!? Poor baby she's in for it - try growing up with the name Malita Marlo it's hell!!!!
62. bfmchoul said:
Best terrible Utah baby name I've heard:
Le-ah. Pronounced "ledashah." Yep. Le dash ah. The hypen isn't silent.
63. Shamelessly Sassy said:
The mothers of the Kayedynnes in the world need be be shaken vigorously. Spelling your child's name funky doesn't make you unique, it makes you a douche.
(I should probably put that on a bumper sticker.)
Update after hitting preview: Kayedynne's mommy must be regulating the formatting of comments because it took FOREVER for this screen to pop up.
64. mariacelina said:
This post made me laugh because I personally connected it with Marlo's other endearing nickname, "Not Maria". My own name is Maria -- don't worry, I didn't take it personally that you preferred another name -- and when I saw what looked like "Marco" instead of "Marlo" on the card, I had another good laugh, as that's the name of my brother.
In seriousness, you have a budding artist in your midst.
65. LeahBeah said:
Dude. Every day I am more and more convinced Leta and my 4-year-old should be best friends. Their conversations would be...epic.
66. Music for Mothe... said:
Hi Heather, LOL! Great and fun post! What a loving get well card!
Greetings from Denmark!
67. MissCaron said:
OMG. Freakin adorable. Love it! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving y'all!
68. Katiewa said:
Totally rad Utah names website! My sister and I spend Saturday morning making fun of freaky baby names in the birth announcements in the local paper but have never seen anything like those Utah names!!!
I'm thnking of changing my name to Khrysalis. Seriously.
69. William said:
I am sure she tells Linda all kinds of dirt on you.
70. beads in the belfry said:
That was hilarious. Makes you wonder what she tells Linda about you though. I did a little Sunday school teaching this summer and boy the kids really let anything out! LOL. Good times.
71. KatR said:
Let me just say that after learning about weird Mormon names,that "Renesmee" from Twilight makes a whooole lot more sense now.
72. MeghanCL said:
My brother- and sister-in-law have two sets of twins (I know, OMG - the oldest are 3 and the youngest 6 months), named Mychal (pronounced Michael), Macyn (Mason), Kendyl, and Kamryn. Guess which one's the boy?
Kamryn. That poor boy. Could be worse though, they almost named him Kendyl and his sister Kamryn but switched.
I also have a niece named Kamryn. It's so confusing!!
73. MeghanCL said:
KatR - ROFLMAO!!!!! So true.
74. Lilliah said:
Heatherrrrrr! The photo you picked for the "safe" version of the calendar ONLY MAKES IT MORE DIFFICULT TO DECIDE for those of us who aren't offended or worried about safety! Couldn't you have picked a LESS ADORABLE one or something? Oh, wait- there probably *aren't* any, huh? Pssssh. ;)
xo
75. Snaptress said:
You're so funny. The card is cute :) Ahhhh kids -- someday
76. Sheyfey said:
Get her a mac and a camera. She can go into business already!
77. Amy J said:
My 6 year old also runs a printing press out of his room, and seems to think we need to keep every piece of artwork produced because "Mom, you'll be glad you have all of this when I'm famous." I'm sure I will.
I do live in Utah and I do know exactly what you are talking about.
78. louloupink said:
She is an artist!
79. Lolabreeze said:
amazing. period.
80. jonerthon said:
When the time comes, I am definitely naming my kid Lyn-Z. I mean, look what the hyphen has done for Jay-Z. And if it's a boy I think I'm going with Budge.
81. AnnieMadison said:
HA - POLO!
82. BOSSY said:
Happy thanksgiving to Heather, Jon, Leta, the dogs, and baby Mario. Erm, Marco. Marlo. Phew.
83. Deborah said:
Thanks for the list of baby names. Too bad I am about 30 years past all that. However, I'll pass it on to the Duggars.
wv: of groins. Ha. Ha.
84. StacieinAtlanta said:
That is too funny!
85. Jenna Jean said:
I hope you tell her that it's no good to tattle tell because imagine what she might be telling your mom!
http://www.ifeelyaophelia.com
Jenna Jean
86. Remarks from Sparks said:
Grew up in Utah. Escaped. Feel awfully good about it.
Wrote something myself a bit ago on Utah names: here. Even called the nasty namers trailer trash. Very PC.
I'm completely horrified by the names people make up for their kids in Utah Valley. My sister (still imprisoned there), met a kid named Wadlee the other day. Never mind that the parents made that shit up, think of all the terrific perversions kids in elementary school can concoct. It's just mean-spirited.
87. P said:
Have a friend whose Mom is a teacher in the Florida panhandle. She had a student who pronounced her name Paw-Juh-May.
At an open house, she inquired of the Mother as to how the name came about. She replied, "Oh, I saw it on some clothes in the store and liked it."
I should mention, it was spelled "Pajama".
Trust me, it's not limited to Utah...
88. nemiccolo said:
I love the red hair. I just now realized that Marlo has it too.
Your kids are so gorgeous with the incredible green eyes Leta has and now Marlo's unbelievable blues and then that pretty hair....
Sorry, it's really shallow of me but I love the colors!!!
:)
Amy
89. SerenityNOW said:
Bwahhh. Hahaha. I'm laughing at the comments, not the post. That link kept me occupied for a good 30 minutes
Can you imagine naming your son Bonner? Once, I took so much shit for questioning a woman naming her son "Ethyn."
Marlo is a cool name. She will love it. I used to be pissed my parents named me "Cristin" but I learned to live with it. "It's Gaelic," they said. Yeah, but no one else in the world knows that!
Is it any coincidence the security word below is NAZARETH?
90. simin said:
I LOVE DAD
I LOVE MOM
I LOVE MARLO
i wonder if its in order of preference........... :D sigh don't mind me.
I LOVE KRIS ALLEN!
91. Azucar said:
I understand.
Oh boy, do I understand.
92. shannondawn100 said:
This has SO made me smile!
93. beadbabe49 said:
Great giveaway from one of my fav bloggers (I love chuck, so my best stacation would have to include him and my two cats...whoowee, would that be fun!)
94. AmyM said:
I take a staycation a few times a year. It involves sending my husband to work and my kids to school and having the house to myself to clean, organize, or sit on the couch and eat ice cream while watching bad day time TV and surfing the internet.
95. tanyetta said:
"Because I don't want to have to do all that writing. I'd get SO tired."
:)
96. May said:
This is off topic but has Leta read the Magic Tree House series yet? My 5 year old son is so obsessed with the series that I can't keep him supplied fast enough.
97. jojobelle said:
I live in Hawaii, so of course, I have the best staycation here!!!!!! In May, my husband and I stayed at the Moana Surfrider in Waikiki. It was Fabulous with an oooh so comfy bed you wouldn't believe it. Why! you ask. Who stays in bed on a trip to Hawaii? I dunno, but my sleep was the best in years!!!! I wtb that bed. The hotel even has advertisement brochures to buy the bed and accessories! Anyway... we had dinner at Jimmy Buffett's not so new restarant and a show with some oldies who were in town, The Fabulous SOS(a popular group in Hawaii and Las Vegas, kinda oldies). Not to mention the weekly jaunts to beaches, outdoor activities(water skiing,diving,fishing,etc.)the very popular surfing!!!!! Also, Waikiki!!!, parades, hiking, karaoke(very popular here) helicopter rides, visit the beautiful waterfalls, visit other islands, visit polynesian shows! Oh too much, I can mention more, but you catch my drift. Any weekend can be a staycation here in Hawaii. Just living here in Hawaii, enjoying the people, scenery and activities is a vacation in itself!!!! Aloha, my post may be late, but I wanted to let you know Dooce! Fun reading your stuff!
98. John Duke said:
I'm not from Utah. But I get it.