Featured community question with accompanying oopsie
Today's featured community question comes from user mommasj:
And the reason I chose this one was because it perfectly coincides with the most recent Momversation I participated in where we talk about our worst parenting moments:
I got a little talky in the video I submitted (MUST BE ALL THIS TIME I SPEND WITH JON, see: the first long car drive we ever took together, after about thirty minutes I had to turn to him and go, you do realize that you haven't stopped talking since we got in the car? And he was all, you do realize that THIS is what you're getting yourself into?), so that's why they had to do so many cuts when it gets to my part. Because my video looked like this paragraph.
And one of the points I wanted to get across that didn't make it into the final edit was that while Jon and I have our moments, our at the end of the rope and ready to hang ourselves with it moments when the only thing preventing us from punching our fist through a window is the copay it would cost us to fix the wound, we aren't physical at all when it comes to disciplining our children. We don't spank or jerk or shake. We will get into Leta's face and speak very loudly when the occasion calls for it, but even then, those moments have become much less frequent as she has gotten older, and the last time I did it was WHEN SHE ATE MY LAST WAFFLE FRY.
So when I say in the video that she winced while going, "Don't harm me!" it struck me that this has got to be a built-in reflex, right? The wincing? Because we have never raised a hand to harm her in any way. Is it something residual from when we lived among lions? We'd see them and run? Did humans ever live among lions? Or was that just on Noah's Ark?
Point is, oh dear Moses yes, we have all done something to or in front of our kids and then been totally ashamed. It's called being human. And if you're exempt from this then I'd like to see your battery pack or the cord you use to plug yourself into the wall.
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FM Living
kcbelles said:
Wow, first! That never happened, although with the troubles the Internet is giving me just trying to post this, I probably lost it by now lol
01.06.10 - 02:06 PM / 1arishell said:
It seems that we are afraid to show anger to our children. They have to learn to deal with anger out in the world and this is part of it! We are human and not superwomen, don't be afraid to show your flaws!
I regret yelling unreasonably at my daughter, it has only happened a few times and hopefully not that many more, though she is entering her teen years. Yikes!
01.06.10 - 02:13 PM / 2Sundae said:
I am very human. And this hit home. BIG TIME! My son tests me alot. He is two and very smart. And there are some days that I loose it. I hate spanking so I become a yeller. I do not spank. I yell. And I always want to be sweet and patient, but then I yell. And after yelling and he cries, I cry. And I call my boyfriend and sob that I am horrible and I am sure I am messing up our son.
I am afraid of failing, but I know that in the end, I actually am great. But I am human and not perfect. And I hate yelling. I can only imagine what Joey will tell me once he is five years old. O Jesus.
01.06.10 - 02:17 PM / 3raeofsunshine said:
I tried to give my four year old a guilt trip the other day. I didn't set out to do that, but halfway through, I realized what I was doing, and, what the hell, decided to finish the trip!
The next day, he asked me to play a game with him and I said "in five minutes" and he launched into a tirade about how "he gave me his sticker when he didn't have to!" and how "he told me my shirt was nice when he was so hungry that one time!"
It took me 30 years to learn to give a decent guilt trip and he learned it in less then 24 hours.
01.06.10 - 02:28 PM / 4serenity said:
I remember quite vividly when my son (who is now 29) was 6 and I had called him in from playing as it was bath time. We lived in a townhouse complex, it was summer, all the neighbours were milling about enjoying the warm weather and my son decided to run away screaming, "Don't hit me, Don't hit me". My mortification suffocated me as I went to get him. I had never struck him, but would speak VERY STERNLY if needed.
All my kids have left home now and when I look back I know I would do so many things differently if I had a chance to do it over. But I can't go back. And they've learned to get over any neuroses I had instilled in them. Besides, they may not have been born if I did go back and do things differently:)
01.06.10 - 02:32 PM / 5mommica said:
Last waffle fry? Psssh, she's kicked out. I still remind my brother about that time 13 years ago when he ate my very long McDonalds French fry that I was saving for last. Little bastard.
01.06.10 - 02:40 PM / 6Milla said:
man, Leta is getting off EASY. my soviet parents would routinely slap my sister and i upside the head whenever we misbehaved. and if they weren't around to do it, a relative would fill in. not that you should slap your kids and i don't plan to slap mine, but a sorta threat followed by self-restraint is hardly a parenting mishap. sounds like a triumph to me!
01.06.10 - 02:43 PM / 7tracy said:
Once, in the very recent past, I had an "episode" and slammed a dining room chair against the floor. And as if that wasn't enough, I kicked my boots off & they went flying into the kitchen. My daughter (19 mos old & VERY aware of others' emotional state), had a look of confusion, sadness, & horror on her face. She cried out "mama", and went into the kitchen to retrieve my boots for me. I was so very ashamed. Ashamed beyond words. How could I behave that way in front of my child?
I managed to calm myself (thank you, xanax) and tried to spend the rest of the evening trying to show Ellis mama was okay.
Right after it happened, I tweeted about it. I got the support I needed in that moment; moms I respect told me I wasn't terrible, that they've lost their shit in front of their kids, too.
We replaced the chair, but the broken one is still in the garage. What, like I need to have our garbage men know I break furniture?? (you have to have a sense of humor about these things at some point, right?)
01.06.10 - 02:44 PM / 8My Baby Sweetness said:
At this moments, my husband always says - this is why they send us out in teams.
I don't know how single parents do it. Seriously - my brain was so fried my pregnancy, I couldn't even make sense of how to put the crib together. (I'd read an instruction and look up blankly at my husband. Which is the back of the crib? What's a screw? Isn't that what got us into this mess in the first place?) And that was BEFORE THE BABY EVEN ARRIVED.
01.06.10 - 02:53 PM / 9mommaruthsays said:
Robots, indeed. I've never known someone who could keep it all together all the time. It's impossible - and in a way, it's good to let your kids see you're human and you can make mistakes just as easily as they can. Parent, child - whatever the roles, we're all human beings trying to co-exist together. And we're never going to be perfect, no matter how hard we try.
01.06.10 - 02:55 PM / 10Frugalista said:
On a recent night my husband and I were screaming at each other after the kids were in bed. Mostly me screaming, him quietly infuriating me. The noise woke up our 5-year-old.
As if that weren't shameful enough, her calm and sweetness when she woke up made me feel like a real heel in comparison. She said, smiling, "Try to avoid the yelling. It scares me." And then went to sleep.
Eck.
01.06.10 - 03:07 PM / 11Miss Anthrope said:
My daughter is scared to death of having water on her face. She is a bit obsessive compulsive about stuff like that. She also REFUSES to look up when I'm trying to rinse her hair.
After a while I had had enough, so I'd get her face wet on purpose- and I was not nice about it. This routine went on for a week or so. One day she totally lost it so I took her out of the tub and plopped her down in the middle of the floor and told her I'd come back in when she was over herself.
Then I realized I was a monster.
Every time she takes a bath she whimpers and says, "Not to look up, Mom." She doesn't have to "look up" anymore.
Unlike most of those who have commented, I actually get upset WITH and AT my daughter. I fully realize that she has done absolutely NOTHING wrong. So I really don't get stories of people feeling like they are awful people because one time their kid almost saw them maybe grumble, seriously? Any tips? Or should I be reported?
01.06.10 - 03:09 PM / 12adrienne jackson said:
things are definitely built in - like leta's wincing, my daughter flinches when i have to drill something into her brain... i'm shaking my finger and she protecting her face like she's been hit before, which really she hasn't. but i'm sure it looks that way.
01.06.10 - 03:13 PM / 13serenity said:
Miss Anthrope - in no way was my post meant to indicate that I never got upset with or at my kids. We all do. And we've all done horrible, mean spirited, what the hell was I thinking things to our kids. We're human. It goes without saying that we do try better than our parents, who tried better than their parents, but in the meantime we make our own mistakes - those that our kids will avoid with their kids, yet along the way they too will make new mistakes. Being human is too complex for us not to make mistakes.
In general a good loving home will overshadow the isolated incidents that we heap more mounds of guilt on that it deserves.
01.06.10 - 03:33 PM / 14minx said:
SO TRUE! Life, being human, sleepness nights, the long (but fabulous) and monotonous days - jeez you mean you can't be June Cleaver (or Mrs. Brady)?
xoxo...
01.06.10 - 03:37 PM / 15randomtissa said:
This post couldn't have come at a better time. I feel just a little bit more human as a mom now instead of raging monster. Thanks!
01.06.10 - 03:46 PM / 16Miss Anthrope said:
serenity- I totally wasn't commenting in response to your comment. I took your comment to be about your general regrets about parenting and one horrified moment when your son made you look bad.
I actually think the stories in the vid were SO mild I can't believe these are their worst moments. Accidentally getting water on your kids face? Accidentally? I just relayed a story of putting water in my kid's face ON PURPOSE. On one hand, I was hoping that so doing would make her get over her fear. On the other, I was also doing it in so much anger that there was no way she was going to take it as anything other than me being mean- and I was being mean. And I knew it.
Locking your kid in the car? I've done that one. Maybe I'm horrible, but I didn't think that was a big deal at all. I just called my husband and while we waited, my daughter and I played hide and seek with me popping up from the various windows. She was luckier than I was- she was in the warm car, I was out in the cold!
01.06.10 - 03:50 PM / 17snarkalicious said:
I think it's really important that we recognize when we've "lost it" or made a mistake with our kids and admit that to them. As a mother of five I have lost count of the number of times I've gotten angry and said something or imposed some ridiculous punishment, and then later cooled down, gone back to the child and apologized. They still get punished, mind you (and giving them extra chores or taking away things like video games or phone privileges works SO well) but I will compromise and negotiate. After all, those are skills our kids will need as adults, so it's up to us to teach them. And don't discount that old standby our parents used-asking the kid to tell YOU what they think their punishment should be! They are almost always harder on themselves than we would be...
Shannon
01.06.10 - 03:55 PM / 18Rebecca Siewert said:
I loved this video.... With a 4 year old it is a daily occurrence to regret something you said or did. I think its just part of parenting....
01.06.10 - 03:58 PM / 20sandi said:
I have one child out the fifteen that flinches every time I walk by. It's embarrassing as hell in public because he acts like he's been beat. For the life me I can't figure it out. And a few times he has made me mad enough doing the duck and cover thing that I have wanted to smack him, but I have to believe this is an innate response. None of my other kids, all who have raised in the same house, flinch when I walk too close to them.
01.06.10 - 03:59 PM / 21Stepher said:
Now that my son is 16 months and I generally get a full-nights sleep my fly-off-the-handle moments are few and far between.
But I still to this day remember a moment when he was maybe two or three months old and he would. not. sleep. at. all...he wouldn't sleep during the day and was up every two hours for feedings, I was suffering with PPD and sleep deprived (obviously) and one day I just just snapped at him...
I was in his room in the rocking chair and he's wailing his head off and I held him up to face me and I was crying and saying, "I hate you, I hate you!"
To this day I am absolutely mortified and ashamed of what I said to him...I can't even fathom saying something like that today.
Of course, since then there have been other "snapping" moments - throwing one of his bottles across the room, putting him in his crib and slamming the door shut - but none have made me feel as down right dreadful as that.
And just learning that I'm not the only mom who's made such unwise choices, makes me feel tons better. And it's amazing, I read other mom's stuff and think, "eh, that's not so bad." But when it comes to OUR own children, any outburst, seem so much more life-altering and traumatic...
01.06.10 - 04:15 PM / 22kristanhoffman said:
Like you said, Heather, pretty much every parent is going to lose it sometime. If it makes you feel better (and I hope it does because it broke my heart to see you trying to laugh instead of cry when you quoted Leta's "Don't harm me!") my mom spanked me multiple times and yelled at me frequently as a child, and we're still very close. Complicated, lol, but close. But I don't fear her and I'm not psychologically damaged. As long as the foundation of love is there, a few slip ups won't crumble the house, you know?
{big hug for all the mommies out there}
01.06.10 - 04:36 PM / 23Becca said:
Oh the Internet (and Esp DOOCE!) is a wonderful thing. I feel so normal! I love that we don't have to pretend to be perfect.(although I for one NEVER lose it...ahem)
01.06.10 - 04:47 PM / 24sabina said:
Once I was alone with my daughter, then three, while her father was away. She was being impossible, I don't remember why. I was exhausted and sleep deprived and had had a bad day at work, and at the height of whatever was going on said, "You know, if things are going to continue like this I just don't think I can be your mommy." Yes, I am a monster too.
She said calmly, "Call Daddy." I said, "Fine, talk to Daddy." She said, "Daddy? You need to get me because Mommy can't be my Mommy anymore.... waaaaaaahhhhhh." Took this idiotic thing I said SO seriously... I will never forgive myself. She handed me the phone and my husband said, "What the hell did you say to her???" and I had to admit the horrible thing I said. Even now, one year later - and we are thick as theives, my daughter and I; we have a very strong relationship and I know she knows she is adored - every once in a while she says, "You know that time you couldn't be my mommy? Don't EVER do that again, OK?" Oh, the shame.
01.06.10 - 04:52 PM / 25JustLinda said:
When my daughter was 4-ish we were in that bastion of fine dining, IHOP. They had seated us at the table furthest back (I tried not to read too much into that). My daughter was acting up and wouldn't behave and I was going to take her outside so she didn't disturb other diners who were enjoying their quality IHOP dining experiences. Or at least enjoying their Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity.
Anyway...
My husband and I, like you and Jon, don't spank, hit, shake. But I do get angry and I'm sure she knew I was angry. As we were walking through the ENTIRE restaurant, she kept repeating (loudly) "Don't hit me! Don't hit me!"
Christ on a pancake, I felt like a heel, the way they were all looking at me.
(So there's one where I was NOT guilty but felt like a shitty parent anyway. I would prefer not to confess my true parenting sins here in front of all of the fine people on the internets.
01.06.10 - 05:19 PM / 26Sassafras Mama said:
Like every other parent I have, in fact, lost my cool on occasion. And afterward, I've felt like a jackass. No special stories of my stupidity, just your garden variety of losing it.
But I wanted to say thanks, Heather, for the recognition single parents. I am one; have been for nearly 4 years. My son is now almost 10. I sometimes skip momversation because it makes me feel lonely for the days when I wasn't a mama alone. But today I'm glad I watched.
Thanks.
01.06.10 - 05:26 PM / 27mommasj said:
I feel super special to have my question chosen! This is something I've dealt with since the moment I gave birth to my daughter, but have never really talked about it before now, because I'm scared of what people will think. Knowing that so many of you have felt the way I feel has helped infinitely.
@Miss Anthrope : I lose it WITH my daughter All.The.Time. Seriously, it's probably a daily occurance. And I hate that about our relationship (she's almost 4). I hate that I feel like we're going to have the same relationship I had with my mom, and I hate that even though I am aware of my outbursts and unnecessary yelling, I can't do anything to stop it. We're both going through a tough time right now (husband is deployed and I have a two month old son) so I just keep trying to be more patient and hoping everything will get better when the hubs comes home.
01.06.10 - 05:51 PM / 28Greta Koenigin said:
Okay, ready? The f-words. The ones that come out of my mouth and don't land in my closet when I'm by myself and out of earshot of my kids, but the ones I use (when I lose it) to describe the (blank) clothing on the floor, or the (blank) driver that's sleeping at the wheel or the (blank) b.s. that my children won't go to sleep. I don't call them f-words, but I shower the air they breathe with them. I HATE this, and I am working on this. Sorry, daughters.
01.06.10 - 05:53 PM / 29jessilee said:
One time when my daughter was 3, she was being a pain in the rear at Walmart(I know how classy are we?) and having tantrums. So as I'm taking her outside she's screaming "I want my mommy" that was fun to explain to security. I put her in the car and she asks to hold the video I had purchased for her(before the bad behavior) and I gave in just so the whining would stop. As we're pulling away I see the video go sailing off. It was summer so the windows were down. I was just SURE she had thrown the video out the window. I stopped and retrieved it and I was SHAKING with anger and was yelling at her..and then I spanked her thigh. In anger. She was crying saying she didn't do anything..and I realized I couldn't remember taking it off the top of the car to get her. I had just spanked(first and last) my daughter for MY oversight. I felt like crap about it for weeks. It wasn't the last time I did something that made me ashamed but that was the biggest. My daughter can press my buttons like no other.
01.06.10 - 06:17 PM / 30jmcg said:
Thank you so much for that story on Momversation. I have so been there and love that you offered such an honest story. You are brave, and we all benefit from your courage.
01.06.10 - 06:46 PM / 31