Staring at six weeks of recovery
Before I begin this... this screed? This rant? It may just end up being a regular post, I don't know, but the vigor with which I want to hug every human being and yell WE'RE ALIVE! WE'RE ALIVE! makes me think that this may just end up being something totally ridiculous, and you're going to walk away from this going, dude, that woman needs to get laid.
So we've already established that I am a dummy dumb dumbnut, having not worn a helmet when snowboarding. And I've promised that going forward I will not ever step on a mountain without proper gear on my head, the head that fortunately did not split in half when I crashed on Sunday. Although maybe something monumental like that would fix things up there, up in that vacant noggin, and I would finally stop posting things on my website with the explicit purpose of making my father uncomfortable: I VOTED FOR A DEMOCRAT. ALSO: POOP.
But after what happened yesterday, the x-ray that showed a giant fracture in my tailbone, I have to wonder why anyone is skiing or snowboarding without wearing the uniform of a Canadian hockey player. A helmet would not have prevented this injury. You know what would have? Abstinence! NOT EVER GETTING UP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Jon says that when everything has healed I will want to head back up again, and I was all, um, not until that mountain gets a vasectomy. And even then I won't go any further than foreplay.
Any and all interaction I have with this sport going forward will fall within the limits of the BYU Honor Code, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
I really feel like I just experienced a near-death scenario, and I feel so lucky to 1) be alive, 2) have full use of my arms and legs, 3) can remember multiplication tables and 4) CAN SPEAK AND WALK. OH MY GOD! I am alive, you guys! I COULD HAVE DIED. And that was the look on the face of my doctor when she walked in with my x-rays. She sat down grimly, held her fingers about an inch apart, and said, "I bet you're in a lot of pain."
An inch-long break in my tailbone.
I knew something was wrong when my back began feeling worse rather than better, and then while showering Tuesday morning I found The Bruise. The four-inch in circumference circle of black and blue right on the inside of my butt. The technician who performed the x-ray had to lift up my gown at one point to make sure my back was in the right position, and I'm not even kidding, SHE JUMPED BACK TWO FEET. Was it because of the bruise or the fact that I lack actual buttocks, I WILL NEVER KNOW.
I should probably go back and offer her my pain pills.
So then my doctor prescribes me a donut, and I was all HOOO! POWDERED PLEASE!
And she was all no, it's a pillow you carry around and sit on that relieves the pressure on the tailbone. Many people also use them to relieve the pain of hemorrhoids. Awesome. Fantastic. Because I'm due to board a plane to Houston this morning, and in my head I was trying to figure out the logistics of this, and here is what I came up with: I'll just stand up with the donut over my head and yell THIS ISN'T FOR HEMORRHOIDS! THIS IS BECAUSE I AM A TOTAL BAD ASS AND CRASHED WHILE EXTREME SNOWBOARDING! And everyone on the plane would go, whew! Thank god she doesn't have hemorrhoids!
Thankfully my pharmacist doesn't carry donuts. Wanna know what they do carry? Pain meds! Except, pain meds make me sick! Good thing my doctor says that this pain should go away in, oh, about a week or two, although there is a possibility that my tailbone could heal incorrectly. And then I'll have to have surgery! On my butt! Or rather, on my lack of butt!
But get this... I'M ALIVE! And so are you! And you, and you and you! WE ARE ALL ALIVE. It is such an incredible feeling, breathing and thinking and moving my fingers. I'm just warning everyone I see in the next 48 hours: I may hug you until you're injured. But don't worry, you can have my pain meds!
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FM Living
honeydunce said:
glad to hear you're okay. Tailbone injuries can be tricky. I hurt my knee last week just by walking around in the snow(that's right. WALKING AROUND.). Bad sprain. So I'm stuck in a giant knee brace that makes me walk with one peg leg. Funny how we never fully appreciate the normal use/function of limbs and such until that normal use/function is taken from us.
feel better soon.
02.18.10 - 10:11 AM / 1Katie D said:
I'm so happy you're alive, Heather. And I'm extremely happy that you have to sit on a donut on an airplane simply because I know it will result in an awesome post about something hysterical that happened.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery!
02.18.10 - 10:14 AM / 2Hubbards said:
Happy to hear you are okay. and that you have the use of all of your limbs, I have broken my tailbone twice.....I wont go into the details because it's ugly, I have never been the same. Sitting for a long period of time is not in the cards for me. Good luck with that plane ride.....meds, LOTS of meds.
02.18.10 - 10:15 AM / 3saturdayjane said:
Holy smokes, that blows.
I'm glad that your head isn't in several mangled chunks on a ski slope, but the donut thing? Not so fun. Although honestly, fifteen years ago I thought donuts were totally awesome.
My grandparents carried them around everywhere, and I was like, whoa! A special pillow! Just for your butt! Your own private BUTT PILLOW so that every where you sit is like a special BUTT THRONE (I guess it would pretty much just be a regular throne but I was pretty infatuated with the word 'butt' at the time) and I BEGGED my parents to get me a donut.
They thought this patently hilarious. Not sure why. Eventually I just began borrowing my grandparents' donuts and when we went out to Denny's I would make a big show out of setting it on the cold plastic seats and settling into it with an air of, "This pillow means that MY BUTT DESERVES BETTER. Know me. Love me. Fear me."
02.18.10 - 10:16 AM / 4melbs said:
The phrase "on the inside of my butt" is, at once, the most specific and also most vague description I have read in a long time.
I thought I knew where the inside of the butt was, but now I am not entirely sure.
02.18.10 - 10:16 AM / 5Joresi said:
I broke my tailbone while giving birth- TWICE.
It is painful. And not nearly as glamorous as extreme snowboarding!
And I don't know what your doc is on but my tailbone hurt off and on for over two years. My doctor said it can take that long to heal. Which was incredible timing because just as it healed and it stopped hurting I gave birth again and broke it again.
02.18.10 - 10:18 AM / 6Figtron said:
Dude...I am so in awe of you. The video was great, but why didn't we see the crash? You could have KILLED on youtube. Dang.
I fully understand the euphoria of BEING ALIVE. I had a near-death experience a couple of years ago, but it wasn't nearly as glamorous as yours. Let it suffice to say that my liver in no way compares to your butt.
Hope your coccyx is healed up very quickly.
02.18.10 - 10:23 AM / 7kaethend said:
<3
02.18.10 - 10:26 AM / 8JennyMoo said:
(Psssst: Dooce has pain meds!)
I'm headed out to SLC in a few weeks for SKI CAMP, woo! I'm planning on trying out snowboarding during one of our off afternoons. Do you recommend a preemptive butt pillow?
02.18.10 - 10:27 AM / 9kirst said:
A butt pillow.
I can't imagine a blogger I would more want to be assigned a butt pillow than you! Not that I am not feeling your pain.
I just think a butt pillow can be, as they say, Very Funny.
02.18.10 - 10:27 AM / 10grad.nauseam said:
After watching all those alpine skiers bite it yesterday, I don't blame you for wanting to stay on level ground. I've never been on a snowboard, only skis, and as much fun as it is, I don't go very often because I'm very aware of how deceptively dangerous it really is. Glad you're going to be okay!
Also, I just wanted to share that my verification phrase to post this comment was "raising dyck"... seriously... just saying.
02.18.10 - 10:30 AM / 11LuckyMama said:
I took me YEARS to put my nightmare behind me and then BAM! you bring it back to me in a flash of humor. I wish I could laugh along with you, but I went through using the donut in 7th grade…talk about PTSD!?!?
I wasn’t lucky enough to have a cool day on the snowboard…nope, I got kicked in the ass while playing soccer in gym class. The other girl missed the ball and kicked me instead…now that takes talent! How embarrassing is it for an 12 year old girl to get kicked in the ass…then have to walk to the nurse’s office trying not to clentch my butt in my hands. For two weeks I had to sit on a bright ORANGE (seriously, orange?) donut. My butt healed correctly so I didn’t need any surgery, but still today my tailbone gets sore if I sit too long on a hard chair. Thanks for bringing it all back Heather….damn you.
02.18.10 - 10:30 AM / 12Becca said:
seriously? no photo of THE BRUISE?
02.18.10 - 10:30 AM / 13CaitlinMc said:
Holy crap. Only you, Dooce. I have to say that the last bit smacks of the nutter who commented all over your bathroom redo. ONE DAY WE WILL ALL BE DEAD. AND WE WON'T EVEN HAVE THE CONVENIENCES OF MISMATCHED TILE OR BUTT DONUTS.
02.18.10 - 10:31 AM / 14Ironic Mom said:
This reminds me of playing ringette as a kid and wiping out...before anyone used bum pads or whatever the heck they're called. Thinking of you as I am seated comfortably on my butt.
02.18.10 - 10:31 AM / 15Crazy Card Lady said:
I'm surprised you didn't do a run down of all your other near death experiences....just add this one to the list. Now instead of being a pain in the butt, you have one. Ha! I sat on the couch a week and a half ago a couple hours after my usual 5 miles run and when I got up experienced pain so terrible it brought me to my knees (then I really couldn't get up). Not happy with feeling like a crippled old lady. My doctor said I have to be patient. I don't know how you are going to stand it with two little ones underfoot (oh ya, Jon!).
Let's breakout some donuts, please!
02.18.10 - 10:32 AM / 16josephine said:
Yikes - sorry to hear about that break. I'm a snowboarder and am QUITE lucky to have only suffered dislocations and sprains - no breaks so far *knock on wood* tho I ended up wearing a helmet my 2nd season on (YES, I was an idiot and didn't wear it in the beginning) b/c of an awful crash where they thought I broke my pelvis and had a concussion.
Now that I wrote all that, I'm wondering why I still love the sport. Hm....
Way to get back up and ride it to the bottom though. That's tough, especially when one of those sleds is staring ya in the face. :)
LOL - "and weakling" was my catchpa
02.18.10 - 10:32 AM / 17Shana in Texas said:
Ouch! Glad you're alive and hoping your butt will mend quickly. Can you treat your butt donut like a cast and have people sign it?
02.18.10 - 10:35 AM / 18megnstuff said:
Uffda. This is why I drink hot chocolate at the bottom of the mountain and watch other people snow board and ski.
Glad you are okay. Maybe next time duct tape the donut to your bum before going skiing. You could start a new trend :)
02.18.10 - 10:36 AM / 19Ashley_the Acci... said:
PROMISE I can have them?
I don't like to be teased about these sorts of things.
02.18.10 - 10:38 AM / 20amandalk said:
OMG you broke your butt. I did too...except I was only LEARNING to snowboard. I thought I'd be this supercool snowboarding Mom. Heh. I never went back. I grew up in Colorado. I am a sham.
02.18.10 - 10:39 AM / 21mommica said:
Dude, there are going to be soooo many pain meds at Mom 2.0. I can't BELIEVE I'm going to miss it.
02.18.10 - 10:39 AM / 22EvilJulie said:
So how long until you noticed the bruise? Just asking because I landed on my tailbone a ton while I was snowboarding last weekend, including once when I swear I heard a crack but it could have just been my teeth clicking together on impact.
Is asking Dooce about my health issues better than asking Google?
02.18.10 - 10:40 AM / 233xx1xy said:
Wow! What a close call. Speedy recovery to you.
02.18.10 - 10:46 AM / 24Syd said:
Don't get a donut cushion. The pressure will still be on the padded area. What you need is a cushion with a coccyx cut out. It's usually a little triangle shape cut out of the back.
Or, you can put a cushion under each butt cheek. But, the coccyx cushions are relatively inexpensive and totally worth it. Feel better soon.
02.18.10 - 10:47 AM / 25drblakablak said:
What Syd said, you need something like this http://www.tushcush.com/. Good luck.
02.18.10 - 10:52 AM / 26michellyw said:
The only time I went skiing I broke my leg in two places. It sucked. No more skiing for me!
02.18.10 - 10:54 AM / 27amyj said:
Dude, maybe if they operate they can give you a butt!
Also, while you're recovering, go ahead and watch the 6 (SIX!) horrifying falls from Women's Alpine Skiing yesterday. And the tape of Shaun White smacking his face against the half-pipe in a recent competition. As thankful you are to be alive now, you'll be even more thankful watching these gut-wrenching falls take place. Sent shivers up my spine, for sure.
Good luck to your butt...
02.18.10 - 10:57 AM / 28SomeCallMeTim said:
Alive is good....
02.18.10 - 10:57 AM / 29Josie Maran said:
dude. get the donut! at least so chuck can wear it on his head!!
02.18.10 - 10:58 AM / 30