The newest member of Blurbodoocery, Inc.

A few months ago we needed to hire a new assistant, and through a friend we met someone who fit every requirement and then some. Internet, meet John:

John

Yes. There are now two people in this house who go by that name, and so to avoid any confusion I refer to my husband as Armstrong. I refer to John as Tyrant.

Don’t let that smile fool you. Yes, he is lovely and friendly, but he was hired to keep things in order, and BY GOD, do not get in his way. His sense of order has totally transformed our lives, and sometimes it gets in the way. A few weeks ago he told me that I should cut back on going to the gym because it was getting in the way of The Schedule. How was I going to get all my work done if I’m over there playing around on the treadmill? And I was all, PLAYING AROUND? You think I’m out clowning around with rubber boots full of tequila, handing out condoms and kazoos? BUDDY?

YOU go maintain an eight-minute mile for sixty minutes and then come back and give me all the delicious details on that party. BUDDY.

Already he has caught on to and likes to exploit some of my weaker personality traits, mainly the one where I will believe anything. And startle easily. To the point that when he walks into the room I grab a helmet. Hey, Heather, your baby just fell down the stairs. Or, hey, Heather, Coco just ran outside and bit a small child. Or, hey, Heather, I think I hear a tornado siren.

And then I have a heart attack and everyone laughs.

He’s very good at this, and sometimes I team up with him to try and startle Armstrong. Like that one time I had him come into the office and say, very loudly, that there were two scary looking people at the door asking for dooce. And we waited for Armstrong’s paranoia to explode, moving quickly out of the way so he could grab a bat. But Armstrong just sat there completely unaware, consumed with something online. It just so happened to be a day when Apple was announcing something.

BAD PLANNING! Tyrant, we’ll have to try that one again!

So, I know some of you are like, why does Heather have an assistant? A blogger needs an assistant? Does she hire someone to wipe her ass, too? And I could sit here and try to tell you how crazy it is over here, that every hour of my life is scheduled into discrete increments and that at times it feels like we’re all walking a tightrope. Because this blogging gig isn’t just pajamas and hand jobs.

Although that part is nice.

But really, it’s just like any other small business. Same story. And having Tyrant around has made us realize just how badly we’ve needed him and his influence. He’s a life changer.

John

And no, you can’t have him.

  • ChickWhitt

    *in a huff* Fine, I didn’t want my life changed anyway! Don’t share!

  • Schnauzie_Mom

    Pajamas and hand jobs. Does life get any better??

    And an eight minute mile for sixty minutes…nice work!

  • paperbacks1980

    Hey, I can do a fifteen-minute mile for…fifteen minutes. Rock!

    What happened to Katie?

  • taylor

    HOT!!

  • Greta Koenigin

    So THAT’S what organization looks like. Must say he doesn’t seem familiar to me at all. I like his shirt.

  • Hagan Squared

    It took me a minute to get past the hotness. Yowza!

  • TexasKatie

    “Because this blogging gig isn’t just pajamas and hand jobs.”

    Possibly the funniest quote ever.

    And that guy is pretty effin hot.

  • Essembee

    Do you require a photo to be attached to the CV when you’re looking for assistants?! Both assistants so far have been beautiful people…

  • Jeca51601

    Wohoooo!
    Woohhhohhhooooo!
    No, seriously, I started giggling like a school girl!

  • deege

    Yum. Just a little bite? Pleeeeeze??

  • Bluestalking

    Girlfriend, what I want is a WIFE. Yes, I’m a female, and married, but I want someone willing to cook, clean, shuttle kids and do the shopping for me. Not sure about the “I have a headache” thing, though. But all the other stuff? Absolutely!

  • bossyboots

    He’s CUTE.

    What happened to Katey?

    Great post!

  • thegreyattic

    What happened to Katie??

  • lollynx

    Katey?!?!

  • kristanhoffman

    Welcome, and good luck! :P

  • dooce

    As Katey’s former employer, I can’t legally say anything. Seriously, it’s against the law.

  • Heather B.

    You know…I’ve never been to Utah. Now seems like a perfectly fine time for me to come and visit.

  • jennisdrinking

    Ok, fine- you can’t comment on Katey’s departure…

    Can you at least say whatever happened to Chuck’s goddess of love?? I think her name was Heidi. Come on!!!! (and I’m not a mulitiple exclamation point kind of person, for the record)

  • gretchie

    Oh, those laws. Nonetheless, wish Ms. Katie and her sweet baby well for us, if you get the chance to speak to her again. And, if you’re not on speaking terms then, a) DON’T TELL US ANYTHING – we don’t want you to get in trouble, and b) Katie, if you’re reading this, we wish you well. And your cute little baby girl, too.

    I married a man like Tyrant. Comes in handy when I need to bully around a telemarketer or a company attempting to double-bill us. Plus, he actually enjoys this. Brings him joy. Which is perfect for me b/c I SUCK at confrontation.

  • theotherlion

    More pictures of Hottie McHotPants, I mean Tyrant, please.

    But seriously, I don’t know how you would manage your business and have any time for your family without help.

  • Kristen from MA

    YUM.

  • labradoris

    Not to be confrontational and perhaps you or others can edify me – but I didn’t think it was against the law to talk about former employees.

    Speaking about former employees other than to confirm or deny previous employment, I thought, was based solely on an existing company policy (e.g., “My company policy dictates I can only confirm this person’s past employment.”).

    As far as state or federal laws go, however, I do not believe there are any in existence that dictate that an employer can’t talk about a former employee.

    Now, what an employer chooses to share – a bad reference, for example – can be held against them as far as defamation, but only if it is untrue or exaggerated. As long as the information is true and factual (and does not contain information that would violate privacy laws, such as HIPAA), the past employer can share the information with a future potential employer.

    That’s MY (limited) understanding of employment law.

    Now, as far as this area is concerned – any non-disclosure agreements in a contract could specify the employer would not be able to give a reference or talk about the employee other than to confirm past employment – and maybe that’s the situation here. And, the company certainly has a right to not disclose to the public certain information – especially a small business.

    But what do I know, right?

  • labradoris

    (and good for you for snagging an employee that is most excellent at tricky confrontation!)

    =)

  • krazykris71

    OMG, how did you get all the man candy in Utah to hang out at your house everyday? Good thing you’re married and have 2 kids (I hope that’s what is keeping you from tackling him!!!) See if you can exploit him like you do Chuck and get in some inappropriate pics, backside would be nice :P

  • Number 99

    He’s pretty damn cute, and I’m super glad that he’s earning his keep, but the real conversation here is: EIGHT MINUTE MILES!? Go Heather. Kick that treadmill’s ass.

  • judi_cutrone

    Is he- is that my hedge fund manager? What’s happening here?

  • Vander

    @labradoris: Sometimes employment ends in separation agreements that need to be kept confidential. My last employment ended that way. I would tell you more…but by law, I can’t.

  • barbara

    Hello cutie! Between your husband and this new assistant, I wish I was living at your house! Lucky girl!!

  • Bluestalking

    Never mind Katey! What happened to GEORGE! Haven’t heard about him in a long time. I miss the exploits of GEORGE!

  • rebelprince26

    umm, he’s super hot. is he gay and single?

  • labradoris

    @Vander – true, I forgot to add in a note about separation agreements.

  • dooce

    @rebelprince26, yes. He is both gay and single and gave me permission to say so.

  • tracy

    A gay, organized tyrant with a sense of humor? I need to get me one of those!

  • Agent Scully

    A gay, single, hot male in UTAH? Hey buddy, I think you’re lost!

    Next thing you’ll tell me is that he’s tall. Really, really tall. And then I will weep.

    (And really, what a scrumptious specimen of mankind. YUM!!!)

  • PunkinP

    Yeah, I kind of thought he might be gay. Way too much style for a straight guy:-)

  • kirst

    I know I should be dropping my jaw at the Tyrant’s hotness but I am fixated on your 8 minute miles. I hate you.

  • Robyn L

    You are SUCH a liar. Assistant? WhatEVER. He’s your pool boy. Lucky wench.

  • expat

    # 26 Is he- is that my hedge fund manager?

    That cracked me up. Congrats on the newest addition to blurbodoocery! He seems like a keeper!

    by the way, if you have any other openings, I will send you a resume.

    no seriously.

  • dooce

    @Agent Scully he is tall. Really tall.

  • BillyZoom

    “That’s MY (limited) understanding of employment law”.

    My understanding is NOT limited. There are no such laws. As far as a separation agreement, that is a contract which is covered by contract law and not statutes.

  • c_kidman69

    For the record I thought he was hot and did not think he was gay. I know plenty of men with a good sense of style who are straight. Way to go Heather on the new assistant, the truth is it is way easier to work with someone who is easy on the eyes. I wonder what Armstrong thinks?? Does he think John is yummy also…..makes me think :) Good job Heather.

  • Agent Scully

    You know Heather, you’re monopolizing the hot + tall. That’s just not fair.

    /weeps tears of jealousy

  • lisdom

    I wish I had an assistant. Just someone to come in twice a week and tell me where I’ve gotten off track. Like that commercial with that “Sven” guy. I want a Sven.

  • BillyZoom

    Let me get this straight – you have two assistants and a stay at home husband (and a stay at home you). Yet you can’t handle two kids and a sporadically updated website? Once again, I have to ask – “What would ya say…ya do here?”.

  • Rebeca

    @BillyZoom
    I guess you’re not reading… Has one assistant and if you follow the blog, she publishes books, contributes on other blogs, goes on tv talkshows and other media related topics, is a fulltime mother of two sweet children, is a fulltime wife, has two dogs (one kinda crazy, Runs a mile in 8 minutes (FOR AN HOUR), and shares her life with us on her blog. We can take her experiences and learn from them or just not read.
    I choose to read and take what I learn from her and apply it on my daily life.
    For that I do thank you Dooce
    P.S. Nwe Joho (with an h) is hot!

  • AshesVonDust

    Admit it; you hired him primarily because he’s super cute and the whole “being an awesome assistant” part came as a pleasant bonus? ;)

    Duuuuuuude, I love how his right eye squints a little. He reminds me a lot of this one actor, can’t think of his name, but yeah, hotness!

    SOMEBODY CALL THE BYLAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY, ‘CAUSE THIS GUY IS SMOKIN’ IN A PUBLIC PLACE! (Wait, I don’t know if that is illegal in Utah, but in Ontario it is… Dammit, I hope the joke works!)

  • AshesVonDust

    HOMG and he is GAY?! Can he get any better, really? Because hot gay dudes are the best, you can’t sleep with them and then get all awkward… When you try, they’re all “Um, please remove your breasts from my general vicinity… And can I please pluck your eyebrows?!”
    At least in my experience, anyways :P
    I loves me some gay mens.

  • gretchie

    Never mind @billyzoom, if that is his real name…. If I could have a team of personal assistants, I would. Even if I was a spoiled trophy wife. Actually, ESPECIALLY if I was a spoiled trophy wife. Hmmm…. yes… a pretty one like Tyrant. SPANK ME, TYRANT! Woah… where’d that come from? Put down the computer… go check on dinner. Yes, enjoy the assistant; never mind the bollocks; keep up the good work, etc., etc.

  • wonderchris

    Awesome, assistance!!!

    I think you should pronounce his name with extra emphasis on the “H”. This way both John & Jon don’t have to give up their first name. It’s a win, win. Loud ‘H’s are SUPER!

  • The Prima Momma

    Am I alone in thinking that Tyrant looks a lot like the guy that plays Greyson on Cougar Town?