The newest member of Blurbodoocery, Inc.

A few months ago we needed to hire a new assistant, and through a friend we met someone who fit every requirement and then some. Internet, meet John:

John

Yes. There are now two people in this house who go by that name, and so to avoid any confusion I refer to my husband as Armstrong. I refer to John as Tyrant.

Don’t let that smile fool you. Yes, he is lovely and friendly, but he was hired to keep things in order, and BY GOD, do not get in his way. His sense of order has totally transformed our lives, and sometimes it gets in the way. A few weeks ago he told me that I should cut back on going to the gym because it was getting in the way of The Schedule. How was I going to get all my work done if I’m over there playing around on the treadmill? And I was all, PLAYING AROUND? You think I’m out clowning around with rubber boots full of tequila, handing out condoms and kazoos? BUDDY?

YOU go maintain an eight-minute mile for sixty minutes and then come back and give me all the delicious details on that party. BUDDY.

Already he has caught on to and likes to exploit some of my weaker personality traits, mainly the one where I will believe anything. And startle easily. To the point that when he walks into the room I grab a helmet. Hey, Heather, your baby just fell down the stairs. Or, hey, Heather, Coco just ran outside and bit a small child. Or, hey, Heather, I think I hear a tornado siren.

And then I have a heart attack and everyone laughs.

He’s very good at this, and sometimes I team up with him to try and startle Armstrong. Like that one time I had him come into the office and say, very loudly, that there were two scary looking people at the door asking for dooce. And we waited for Armstrong’s paranoia to explode, moving quickly out of the way so he could grab a bat. But Armstrong just sat there completely unaware, consumed with something online. It just so happened to be a day when Apple was announcing something.

BAD PLANNING! Tyrant, we’ll have to try that one again!

So, I know some of you are like, why does Heather have an assistant? A blogger needs an assistant? Does she hire someone to wipe her ass, too? And I could sit here and try to tell you how crazy it is over here, that every hour of my life is scheduled into discrete increments and that at times it feels like we’re all walking a tightrope. Because this blogging gig isn’t just pajamas and hand jobs.

Although that part is nice.

But really, it’s just like any other small business. Same story. And having Tyrant around has made us realize just how badly we’ve needed him and his influence. He’s a life changer.

John

And no, you can’t have him.

  • Domestic Goddess

    Sooooooo smoking hot.

  • scissorbill

    OMG Katey got dooced.

  • Victoria_Girl

    Well, if I can’t have him, can I be your assistant’s assistant?

  • Pandora Has A Box

    Yeah, he’s cute and all, but I want the pajamas and hand jobs! Also, someone to box and mail the cookies I baked to my exchange partner.

    Btw, the eight minute mile rocks. My right knee with the torn ACL and possibly shredded meniscus are duly impressed.

  • KKW

    So many comments about this man’s good looks. Yes indeedy, he is exceedingly cute. But ladies it’s all about THE SKILLS!! THE SKILLS, I WANT those organizational skills at my disposal please!! (She exclaims as she gazes down at a living room floor that is littered with bowls and spoons left by children now in bed that the dog has dragged from the table and licked clean; a clean and folded dishtowel in a corner, random unmatched children’s shoes; pencils, pens, crayons, paper; Sunday’s paper scattered yet still unread; laundry basket full of clean and folded clothes that daughter dropped a half filled bowl of soup into; an Easter egg; a box of unmatched baby socks. And that is just in a radius of the three feet surrounding me. Forget the loveliness of Mr. New Assistant, he’s hot because he has SKILLS!

  • Fitz and the Dizzyspells

    Not to be all superficial or anything, but I don’t think I’d get much work done with that kind of eye candy around all day.

  • eireguitar

    56 comments and no one’s said the word ‘threesome’ yet? Tell me I’m not the only one who thought it.

  • the niffer

    @eireguitar LMAO!

    Katey, if you’re reading, hope all is well.

    Welcome Tyrant!

  • MontanaJen

    Y’all – stop asking about Katey. If she wanted to tell us, she would have. Don’t act up in front of company, legal or not. Best wishes to Miss K and her lovely, lovely daughter.

    The Tyrant sounds like a great find – congrats on finding a valuable assistant. Here’s hoping you all go to a sunny beach somewhere and have to lounge around with VERY FEW ITEMS OF CLOTHING on. Ahem.

    I often feel I need an assistant – I know that it would be gauche to ask what he’s paid, but I will definitely look into the addition of a helper in my world…it’s ok to ask for headshots stapled to resumes, right?

  • BOSSY

    Funny, Bossy kept reading his name as Tryant until the last paragraph when you actually spelled it Tryant and then Bossy was all, “Oh wait, it’s Tyrant.”

    Either way… Ty, Try — Bossy doesn’t have one but she could sure use him. Even if only to assist with Bossy’s naps.

  • Schapstick

    Alright… these are the BEST comments ever posted on this blog! I’m in stitches! p.s. he IS super cute. Lucky duck!

  • Schapstick

    Oh, wait (just in case he’s feeling put out), please tell Jon-without-an-h that he is super cute too!

  • TxSuzyQ

    I dunno about him. This one looks sort of evil. I wouldn’t leave him anywhere near the kids if I were you! eeek!

  • Ezza

    He looks like he always has clean and polished shoes. He has clean and polished shoes, doesn’t he?

  • Becky Cochrane

    Only one thing matters here. In a war of wills between Tyrant and Coco, who wins?

  • Becky Cochrane

    Okay, TWO things. Does Tyrant know NOT TO MOVE THE PEN?

  • Rebeca

    @TxSuzyQ
    What’s wrong with you?

    (I know you’re kidding)

  • Sofa Queen

    Maybe it’s just me, but I would LOVE a “day in the life” type post. The craziness boggles my mind, and I’m curious how it all fits in. Plus, it would give a kick in the butt to those of us who feel accomplished when we finish the dishes….

  • William

    Wait a minute… there are handjobs with blogging?

    I must have been doing this wrong fro five years.

  • Missives From Suburbia

    Is Katey going to become famous by blogging about being Dooced by Dooce?

  • MPyrzynski

    There are some really good comments here. All I can really say is Thank you, Heather, for the introduction. And welcome to Tyrant/John!

    I refrain from any and all hotness-quotient comments and want to remind Jon (ARMSTRONG!) that he’s still Jon #1. (Which makes Tyrant John #2 and I’m SO not going there…)

  • pingersgal

    Oh man! You’ve found a way to have your cake (hunky hubby) and eat it too (major eye candy around!)…lucky Dooce!
    Yah…he’s yummy..and now we’ve all created a monster for you because if you disagree with him he’s going to be all ‘we should ask the READERS…the ones ‘who think I am SMOKIN hot and can do no wrong’ what they think..and then you’ll have to just do it his way cause we are ALL voting for HIM! hehehe….

  • Marlies

    I am sorry you and Katey split. I thought she was very funny and I hope all is well for her and her daughter.

    Welcome John! Good luck! (You’ll need it!)

  • Candy

    yummy

  • Brea

    Welcome John! Sounds like you are in for a great ride!

    I ran an 8-minute mile at the gym yesterday – for 3 minutes.

  • cheapblueguitar

    I’m trying to come up with something witty or clever to say but am too busy staring at Tyrant’s picture. VERY easy on the eyes, that one.

    Sigh.

  • KellyUtah

    The new assistant is cool and all, but maintaining an eight-minute mile for sixty minutes is epic! Way to go sister.

  • gandhimom

    Laughing at all the comments about the new employee’s hotness because, as his employer, Heather can’t SAY A THING about his great looks. Of course, she doesn’t have to – his photo speaks for itself.

  • coreylambert

    Out of curiosity, what were the job requirements?

  • sweetalice

    You totally need to have a reality show. Can’t you all see it?!?! – Flipping Out Jeff Lewis style. Instead of Jeff yelling about the onions in his take out it is Leta refusing to eat ANYTHING. All these beautiful people and your lovely style should be shared with the world.

  • gitzengirl

    Ok, were you really not going to mention that he’s hot and let us all know if he’s single? Because even though I’m homebound and have no chance of dating him, it’s still fun to dream. At least throw me that bone :)

  • gitzengirl

    Ok, were you really not going to mention that he’s hot and let us all know if he’s single? Because even though I’m homebound and have no chance of dating him, it’s still fun to dream. At least throw me that bone :)

  • BillyZoom

    Okay, well, someone pointed out that Heather has published books and appears on shows, etc. I knew about the books but blanked out on it. I’m sure all that takes a lot behind the scenes. Sorry I misread that she has two assistants. And participation in other blogs is not something I would have known about, but certainly takes a lot of time and is probably a necessary “networking” duty. So what I’m trying to say is that I got most of the answer I was looking for. Sorry if I came off as a jerk. I do like this blog very much, I was just wondering what the “working from dawn til dusk” was about. I think I can see it now. I still think Jon’s a lazy bum. Just kidding.

  • jennisdrinking

    Oh crap— ok, her name isn’t Heidi- whatever happened to Emily?? How has Chuck been able to go on without flinging himself into locked parked cars?

  • jennisdrinking

    Heather could totally coo over any perceived hotness, but she lacks the equipment to catch his interest (as she said so herself)

  • eejm

    John is a dead ringer for actor Nathaniel Marston, who was on One Life to Live for a few years. And was very cute. Just like John. :)

    Please say there have been jokes about the “johns” (the toilet or the hooker kind) around the house….

  • DomesticatedGal

    I could Totally use a Tyrant. Are you sure you don’t want to do a special Giveaway?? Maybe for just a day?? Then again, I can’t imagine you’re ever going to let him leave for a whole day. Because just trying to maintain/build my little blog AND balance 1 kid, 1 guinea pig, and 1.5 husbands is eluding me.

  • nandoism

    girl, I know exactly what you’re talking about–I also had to hire an assistant…and she’s super freaky scary, but keeps me on schedule and organizes my life like a Nazi on triscuits. My assistant, Trisha, is a Brooklynite College student with an agressiive, tense, and tough vibe about her-and those are her good nice qualities!

    Thank goodness for assistants! Good luck with this one–good ones (who scare us & keep us on track) are hard to find!