Featured community question that my father should just go ahead and skip
Today's featured question comes yet again from user Brookelyn Bridge, mainly because it is so timely for me:
I've mentioned my friend Kate before (and no, this is not going to be a post about my lesbian fantasies, I gave those up when I realized that I really, really like penises), and she has this enormous garden in her backyard where she grows everything: lettuce, tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, asparagus, you name it. I think she may even grow cream cheese and birthday cakes.
I find this really inspiring for several reasons. I mean, it's great for the environment to grow your own food, but there she is fixing entire meals from food she's grown in her backyard. She gifted me a potted tomato plant for Mother's Day, and I was all, dude, you have set me up! I can't walk away from a challenge, and now I have to do all this work and research to become the valedictorian of potted tomato plants.
If that plant dies I can guarantee you that NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.
Anyway, to the point. There is one, I promise. The porn is in here. Sadly, it does not include lacy underwear or talk of anyone's private bits. Which reminds me... okay. I lied. Private bits, here we come!
I can't believe I'm going to write about this on this here Family Friendly Website, but the first penis I ever saw was on the small side. Like, tiny. And so going forward that was the benchmark: small and quaint. Hey, little buddy! What's up, little guy? Here's a stool you can use to reach the faucet to wash your hands!
And then the second penis I ever saw, wow. AWKWARD. It was supposed to be a special moment, but I thought maybe he was ill, or that something terrible was happening, because it was about ten times the size of the benchmark. And so instead of getting all romantic, I'm leaping backwards screaming ARE YOU OKAY?! THAT CANNOT BE COMFORTABLE. CALL 911! CALL 911!
Tangent!
Where was I? Tomato plant. Right. So, it turns out that our neighborhood is zoned in such a way that we could raise chickens in our backyard. I am not even kidding. Chickens. Like on a farm! COCKADOODLEDO! And since most of Kate's yard is occupied by her garden, she doesn't have room for a coop. BUT GUESS WHOSE BACKYARD DOES?
You guys, chickens. Can you imagine the content? I mean, Coco's reaction alone would fill weeks and weeks of Internet Website Blogging. And I would name them all, and cuddle them, and love them. Fresh eggs every morning! Cluck, cluck, cluck! This is not an insane idea at all!
Except, Jon. He who is known as Armstrong, he actually threatened divorce if I put a chicken coop in our backyard, that's how strongly he feels about this. Can you believe how unreasonable he's being? It's not like I'm asking for a pet pig that lives indoors! (He actually walked out of the room when I brought up that idea. Yesterday.)
All I'm asking for is three or four chickens to call my own. And now whenever I even start to say the word, when he hears the CHHH— he completely explodes and heads for the closet where we keep our luggage. And I find this totally hilarious. Because now I have leverage over his clogs: I have the chickens.
Really? No chickens? THEN NO CLOGS.
BOO-YAH!
And then yesterday morning there was some interaction in our office, and suddenly I get a notice on my phone that Armstrong has tweeted something:
I think that answers the question.
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FM Living
lesliepaige78 said:
my mom and i have discussed a few heirloom chickens. they are cute and heirloom, who doesnt want one of those?!! i think you should totally have a few chickens. tell armstrong the internet said so.
05.19.10 - 01:35 PM / 1jon said:
NO CHICKENS.
05.19.10 - 01:38 PM / 2dooce said:
I think we should put it to a vote. Where only the "yays" count.
05.19.10 - 01:39 PM / 3fidothefatcat said:
Perhaps Armstrong should have his name changed again. He sounds more like a "Buzzkill McGee" to me. What's wrong with chickens? Seems like a totally reasonable request to me.
05.19.10 - 01:42 PM / 4OnceUpon said:
YAY!
More chicken porn from a fun blog I read: http://www.gsheller.com/search/label/chickens
Hehe. Sorry Jon.
05.19.10 - 01:46 PM / 5annehayes said:
One of my good friends has a farm animal obsession and has had (in the past): miniature goats; chickens; ducks; turkeys; rabbits... she even had a miniature pig.
She loved the chickens, but you need a well constructed coop or else they'll get eaten at night. As for the pig, it was litterbox trained but still, it was a pig and smelled like a pig. :)
As for the chickens - they don't seem like a lot of work as long as you can segregate their "pooping" area from the rest of the yard and the kiddos..... I say Yay!
05.19.10 - 01:57 PM / 6Athena said:
Chickens! Yes! You can go out and get your breakfast eggs in the morning and they will be like no eggs you've had before!
Not sure what you do with chickens in Utah in the winter though. Hmmmm.
05.19.10 - 01:59 PM / 7jon said:
NO CHICKENS.
05.19.10 - 02:00 PM / 8mandinka said:
I wish I could have a chicken coop in my yard.
You don't know how lucky you are Jon.
Besides, it's the roosters that are noisy - if that's your objection.
05.19.10 - 02:01 PM / 9kristanhoffman said:
LOL I was wondering what the heck that Tweet was about yesterday.
PS: How many times do we think Jon is going to comment "NO CHICKENS"?
05.19.10 - 02:08 PM / 10Janice said:
Y'all are gonna live your lives and it's none of my business, but Jon, I remember a graph you posted once on your web site that showed your stress levels for various life events. I remember a particularly tall stress line for Coco. So tossing in my two cents:
HANG. TOUGH. ARMSTRONG.!!! NO. CHICKENS.!!!!!
05.19.10 - 02:09 PM / 11CraftyCrab said:
I have the same disagreement with my husband. All I want is to have two chickens. TWO. He says, "We can have a kid, or we can have the chickens." What a farce! But, I'm pregnant now, so you know where that so-called "choice" led. I'll break his will eventually.
BTW - I had a similar series of experiences with penises (small.....BIG!), and yet I really love those funny-looking things. It's so weird that we share these things on the Internet.
05.19.10 - 02:10 PM / 12HDC said:
Here Jon, I'll help.
Heather, you know how gross it was when either of your four legged high chair washers lost bowel control in the house? Yeah, well fowl also shed feathers and walk through their poo all day long, dragging that stuff everywhere. Along with chicken feed. Everywhere.
Instead, you ought to consider a sloth. They only pooh once a month!
http://vimeo.com/11712103
You're welcome Jon!
05.19.10 - 02:11 PM / 13Ethel Poostain said:
I'm in the yay camp. Get chickens! Send me fresh eggs! (they'll travel ok to the UK, right?)
05.19.10 - 02:16 PM / 14maille_k said:
Chickens are assholes, but I can't deny the greatness of fresh eggs every day. It's a huge weight off the mind knowing where your food comes from. We recently moved out of the Big City so sourcing free range happy food and growing at least some of our own would be easier. The benefits are apparent almost immediately.
05.19.10 - 02:26 PM / 15Heather G said:
I had the same fantasy and got two chickens. Um we gave them away recently. They are cute and homely but... they go off the lay when moulting, when it's cold (4 months in NZ longer where you are), when they get stressed out ie dogs and children, when they go broody. The process of debrooding hens is kindof cruel too. After all that the per egg cost is huge. Then they can get ill, worms, fly blown, plus you have to clean out their shit regularly and they make the ground into a mud bath in winter and if they get out they eat your plants.
NO CHICKENS.
05.19.10 - 02:28 PM / 16robynh said:
I have four chickens and they are the most hilarious addition to our household. Not only do they provide endless entertainment, their eggs taste AMAZING. You've never eaten eggs like these. Sorry, but I gotta go with YAY.
05.19.10 - 02:29 PM / 17SaltTooth said:
I say YAY!!
My mom brought home a baby chicken from the farmer's market as a pet for my brother and I in middle school. We named him Antoine. He would sit in your lap like a cat and you could pet him and carry him around. He even hung out with our dog and they shared each other's food! Of course we had to give him away when we realized he was a rooster and started cockadoodling. He was an awesome pet!
You have my full support Heather!
05.19.10 - 02:34 PM / 18Brookelyn Bridge said:
Heather. Seriously. AWESOME.
I love the county fair here where all the 4-H kids have the animals they've raised on display. I particularly love the chickens and the fancy-over-the-top feathered ones get me laughing every time.
Personally, I don't think I would want chickens. They can be mean little fuckers and I have a friend who was tormented by their rooster (I was going to put "cock" but I refrained - or maybe I didn't).
I like ducks. And we can have ducks here in our town. Maybe in a few years I'll get myself a couple ducks.
(and just to mention, my captcha is "it dickier")
05.19.10 - 02:37 PM / 19ronnagail said:
Perhaps a compromise? See how it goes with the tomato plant first. Just for the sake of your own sanity.
05.19.10 - 02:38 PM / 20Sundae said:
LMFAO! Seriously. I am laughing out loud at work. So inapporpriate! Penises! So flipping funny. And yeah, come on Blurb! Get the chicken coop! O my, I can just imagine the photos and stories! Do it Dooce! Take away the clogs!
05.19.10 - 02:40 PM / 21KatR said:
I can't believe you are going to deny us pictures of Chuck with a chicken balanced on his head, JON.
05.19.10 - 02:50 PM / 22khadley said:
chicken coop in the yard, why not? i'm trying to convince my partner that the backyard would be perfect for a few chickens, but not having much luck. so share your strategies with is will ya? hmmmmm maybe if i some how can create a link between porn and chickens i might get somewhere?
05.19.10 - 02:52 PM / 23tallnoe said:
YAY CHICKENS.
Because I think the stories would be awesome. And the pictures would be awesome.
Even if I think they're crazy, and loud. I enjoyed showing my chickens at the county fair. Did I just admit that I was in 4H on the interwebs? Yes, yes I did.
YAY CHICKENS!
My captcha is "in summer" - see? In summer Chickens are great.
05.19.10 - 02:59 PM / 24strawberrygoldie said:
I want chickens. Bad.
I want fat, fluffy chickens, with feathers that grow down their legs, and bouffant featherheads, that lay different colored eggs.
That's right.
DIFFERENT COLORED EGGS.
Chicken porn. Check it. Also. Duck porn. Peacock porn (hehehe...cock)
http://www.mcmurrayhatchery.com/index.html?aid=89&...
Jon. You must know that you are about to be pummelled with comments by Dooce followers. Good luck, man. Good luck.
05.19.10 - 03:00 PM / 25strawberrygoldie said:
I want chickens. Bad.
I want fat, fluffy chickens, with feathers that grow down their legs, and bouffant featherheads, that lay different colored eggs.
That's right.
DIFFERENT COLORED EGGS.
Chicken porn. Check it. Also. Duck porn. Peacock porn (hehehe...cock)
http://www.mcmurrayhatchery.com/index.html?aid=89&...
Jon. You must know that you are about to be pummelled with comments by Dooce followers. Good luck, man. Good luck.
05.19.10 - 03:01 PM / 26meme0908 said:
yay
I have friends in Sugarhouse with their own chickens, and it's the best. thing. ever.
and their neighbors have chickens... so everybody's doing it, Jon.
you (probably) won't regret it.
05.19.10 - 03:16 PM / 27Chicken said:
Maybe I would be a good compromise. I think the weather might be very nice where you are, I don't smell usually and I don't eat a lot. I also love penises, so we have that in common. I don't really lay eggs, but I can drive to the market for you. My neck is very sensitive, so there would need to be some kind of precohabitation agreement in regards to my safety and well being. No axes, no vampires. Let me know.
05.19.10 - 03:21 PM / 28TexasKatie said:
You know, I have a garden in my yard and I love it - and I have thought many a times about having some chickens and a rooster. I thought it was so awesome when I was in the Bronx visiting my sister and her neighbor has a rooster that sits out front. Super cool. So, I say YAY!!!!!
05.19.10 - 03:27 PM / 29MichelleD said:
Normally I would be all "YAY! Chickens!" but I have one word for you- COCO.
Chickens need to roam free sometimes and I just can't see this being a happy situation.
05.19.10 - 03:31 PM / 30