Featured community question wherein I am not the valedictorian
Today's featured question comes from user Onemoremomblog:
Yes. Always. Wait... that's not true. Let me explain before you throw a flaming, unscooped turd at my head.
I've got jackets with pockets full of poop bags, because whenever I take the dogs for a walk I want to make sure I'm prepared. In fact, I'm even pretty diligent when I take them to an off-leash park, as long as Chuck doesn't wander off onto some hidden cliff in the forest with a copy of The New York Times.
If that last part doesn't make sense to you, then consider yourself lucky that your husband doesn't routinely walk into the bathroom with his iPad only to return four hours later, the blood pooled in his ankles.
During those four hours I could be tending chickens.
Just saying.
It's just the dog poop in the backyard during the winter... fine. I'm going to admit this. We don't ever go back there. Because the whole yard is usually covered in snow from October until May, and there's no point. It's an unusable space for eight months of the year and serves only as a toilet for the dogs during that time. We consider it That Magical Wintery Place Where Brown Popsicles Grow!
Come the end of May and we fill several garbage bags worth of our laziness.
In answering this question I had to go ask Tyrant if he's cleaning up after the dogs, because he's been taking them on their walks lately. He said he loves to take walks and wanted this added to his schedule. Armstrong and I were a bit hesitant given Coco's irrational and erratic disposition, but I figured, come on. He's a Tyrant. He's a Tyrantosaurus. He tyrates. His title alone says he can handle this.
And then the first time he returned home after a walk he threw open the door and was all THAT IS ONE CRAZY BITCH!
You have no idea how many times Armstrong and I have repeated that exact line in his terrified voice to each other.
We shared with him a few techniques, and now his walks are much less dramatic, except... you guys. Tyrant is a rule follower. And this is not a bad thing, to some degree. I am a rule follower, too. I mean, I pick up after my dogs. I pay my taxes. I buckle my seat belt and disguise cuss words in front of my father. This is when conversational French comes in handy, you kids in college!
But, every once in a while. No, that's a lie. In fact, it's very frequently. A lot. Many times I have taken my dogs to a place where they are not supposed to be off leash and have let them run off leash. Never near a busy street or a school full of young children, no. Usually in large fields backed by the mountains. Or on the golf course when it is covered in snow. This is horrible, isn't it? I shouldn't be allowed to take the sacrament on Sunday, I KNOW. Jesus would have always walked his dogs on leash, HEATHER.
So there's this giant open park near our house that is a perfect place to let the dogs run off leash. But. There are signs at every entrance that say DOGS MUST REMAIN ON LEASH AT ALL TIMES. Oh, signs. You don't know how to party, do you? Loosen your tie a bit, SIGN. Here, have some tequila, SIGN. I'll pay for you to get laid, SIGN.
And Tyrant is very aware of these signs. Obeys every one of them. Never lets the dogs off leash. And then when he passes other people who are walking their dogs off leash, Coco goes, well. Coco. She cocos. That's a verb now. Cocoing. Is your wife yelling at you because you didn't put the orange juice back on the right shelf in the refrigerator? She's cocoing. An unsolicited foot rub will cure this, I promise.
Tyrant got so fed up with other people breaking this rule, in fact, that one day he came back after a walk and slapped down a piece of paper on my desk.
"Don't worry," he said. "I made sure that no one saw me stapling these to the fence at the entrance of the park."
"I think this should work, don't you?" he continued.
My favorite part is not even the menacing clipart Pitbull he found who knows where, but the part in parentheses. As if the whole flyer doesn't communicate that EXACT THING.
You must have a dooce® Community account to leave a comment.
If you've already registered, login.
If this is your first time posting here, snag a free account.
FM Living
Jeca51601 said:
I like this man...
06.10.10 - 09:01 AM / 1kayakgrrl said:
Bwahaha. I think he's a keeper.
06.10.10 - 09:04 AM / 2RathrBeAtWrigley said:
I love it!
06.10.10 - 09:05 AM / 3knolting said:
I think Tyrant is my new hero.
06.10.10 - 09:05 AM / 4katliz said:
Aw, now, Tyrant... As a proud Pittie owner, this makes me sad. Because of this stereotype, I encounter people who will cross a busy city street because I'm heading toward them with a "hungry pit bull." People assume my Gentle Leader collar is a muzzle. Yet the worst my dog would do to anyone is nuzzle them to death.
Couldn't you have used a Chihuahua instead?
06.10.10 - 09:06 AM / 5Tricia said:
I find this kind of behavior (bullying others into following the rules) extremely sexy in a man. Alas, I'm already married to a man who refuses to come to a complete stop, use a turn signal, fasten his seatbelt BEFORE the car starts rolling... I can only imagine what would happen if we had a dog.
Good job, Tyrant!
06.10.10 - 09:10 AM / 6simpliSAHM said:
Posting signs & calling people out for not following the rules? Yeah, that would be me.
I once taped similar signs on the basketball hoops illegally placed on & blocking sidewalks (instead of in the driveway or curb) because I was tired of people ignoring that rule and having to dodge them with the stroller everytime I went for a walk.
My husband thinks this is un-neighborly (& a little bitchy) but I remind him that you simply cannot break all Mormon related habits at once. Baby steps.
06.10.10 - 09:19 AM / 7momozima said:
Oh no he didn't.
Did he really?
I love it! That is definitely a tyrannical thing to do. I don't even want to know how he handles other tasks like, for example, dealing with customer service representatives who are sassing him.
06.10.10 - 09:20 AM / 8slappyintheface said:
I think that he should add "and I have trained them to detect whether or not an owner has EVER walked their dog here without a leash ... so if they EAT YOUR FACE OFF ... you were warned" :)
06.10.10 - 09:24 AM / 9Monkey said:
No to be a party pooper (ha!), but really? Perpetuating the pit bull stereotype? C'mon now. (Sorry, I work with an animal rescue and have come across some absolute darling pitties who don't get adopted as quickly cause of said stereotypes.)
And speaking of chickens, you saw this, right? http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/la/outdoor/raising...
Print it and hang it right in view of the toilet!
06.10.10 - 09:25 AM / 10cmsanto said:
Ha! I love tyrant. I want this in pdf form so I can print it and put it up in my local park.
I keep my dog on his leash, not because I'm a rule follower or as we Mormons like to say a PHARASEE .. but because he goes insane and tries to kill other dogs if he's off leash.
Guess what he still tries to kill other dogs who are off leash and come up to smell his butt. I think it is torture for him.
Also there were a bunch of college kids walking their dogs together last year and NONE of them were on leashes, so being dogs, they ran at me in a PACK because dogs are you know pack animals and knocked me down while my dog tried to kill them.
The apology went something like this Sorry! shouted as dog was on my chest. And although he said sorry, it sounded more like. Stupid fat whore why'd you fall down.
06.10.10 - 09:33 AM / 11WebSavyMom said:
-->I think he should add...
"Sincerely,
Michael Vick"
06.10.10 - 09:35 AM / 12sonjabean said:
Gotta say, I walk my dog off leash all the time, and if we're on grass that someone has mowed, I still pick up the poop. If we're out in the woods on a trail, then no, I don't pick it up. But if my dog poops ON the trail, I'll use a stick to fling it off the trail.
Tyrant's sign wouldn't scare me. My dog is a pit, who is extremely friendly, and even though I walk her off leash ALL THE TIME, she's still under my control and will come to me and heel until any unfriendly dogs have moved on.
06.10.10 - 09:38 AM / 13eleanorstrousers said:
As a regular looking person with a secret irrational phobia about dogs bigger than 10 lbs or so, can I put in a good word for keeping your dog on a leash if someone else is around?
No matter how well-behaved or friendly your dog is, my brain will see your dog and FREAK OUT and assume your dog wants to eat my face with gravy and fries. Which leaves me occassionally sobbing on sidewalks or dashing into traffic, because OMG someone is walking their labrador on the sidewalk and it will try to kill me, once it puts down that cute squeaky toy.
And that's when they're ON a leash. You can only imagine how well I react when they're off.
06.10.10 - 09:39 AM / 14smdinnen said:
That just made my day, thank you.
06.10.10 - 09:49 AM / 15MsIndigo said:
That is AWESOME! LOL! Such a rule follower, no wonder he's a tyrant.
06.10.10 - 09:55 AM / 16EJoyner105 said:
I love me some Tyrant! His sign would certainly put some fear in me!
06.10.10 - 10:00 AM / 17EJoyner105 said:
I love me some Tyrant! His sign would certainly put some fear in me!
06.10.10 - 10:00 AM / 18abi said:
Heh. If ever a sign belonged on Passive Aggressive Notes, it is this one. High five, Tyrant.
06.10.10 - 10:09 AM / 19apostate said:
I think I love tyrant.
Pitbulls are mean.
"Voice control" is a myth. It works until a situation arises where the dog chooses not to obey.
06.10.10 - 10:34 AM / 21analog said:
i LOVE tyrant.
06.10.10 - 10:29 AM / 22SandraDee said:
This shit just made my fucking day.
Tyrant needs his own show.
That is all.
06.10.10 - 10:31 AM / 23Leslie_Yum said:
OhMyGod I want to marry your TYRANT. I promise to follow all posted rules. RAWR.
06.10.10 - 10:32 AM / 24susanfishy said:
GO TYRANT GO!
06.10.10 - 10:39 AM / 25labegg said:
I don't have a dog, and one of the reasons is I don't want to clean up after it--I want to SCREAM every time I find a nice, big, smelly pile of poop on my front yard! And I want to shout--community fields and playgrounds are not your dog's toilet!!!
06.10.10 - 10:44 AM / 26Nancy D. said:
....and then in some weird blog infinite loop, it's featured on http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/
06.10.10 - 10:45 AM / 27tracy said:
This is my life. Without my own tyrant.
We always come prepared with poop bags but if Porter does his business out of the way, we *ahem* leave it there.
Our backyard becomes a giant poop receptacle during the winter and then come spring, we pick it up gradually as the snow melts off. Buckets & buckets of poop.
And, when it's not more convenient for me to break the rules, I am a die-hard rule follower. Ask my husband how many times I've screamed THERE ARE RULES! to bad drivers
06.10.10 - 10:50 AM / 28AlyCat said:
That is awesome.
Can we see another picture of Tyrant? PLEASE.
06.10.10 - 10:54 AM / 29Fifi Coon said:
OK - so I absolutely think you (we) should clean up after our dogs. My children have small dogs that poop little tootsie rolls (some special food from IFA). If you are a Utahn - you know what IFA is.
We - the parents - have a 100 lb black lab, courtesy of our son who now has a small, tootsie roll pooping, chihuahua (spelling?) mix thing. Needless to say - the 100 lb black lab poops a lot larger than a tootsie roll - even larger than the giant tootsie roll.
I took the black lab, along with zip lock bags, paper towels, etc on a walk in the river bottoms - we went about 100 yards and he decided to do his business.............I needed an extra large 5 gallon zip lock back for that poop - and a shovel to get that poop in the bag - not a paper towel.
Needless to say - the 100 lb black lab no longer goes on a walk with me in the river bottoms (he has his own pasture - 3 1/2 acres - to play on and poop on at home).
06.10.10 - 10:59 AM / 30naysway said:
Passive aggressiveness! Be still my heart. Who is this man, where has he been all my life, and does he believe in interracial marriages because I think I heart him.
06.10.10 - 11:02 AM / 31