Today is Tyrant's birthday, and here is my ode
Over the weekend I rented a car to get from San Francisco International Airport up to wine country, and when the lovely lady at the service desk asked if I'd be interested in a red turbo-charged muscle car, my only question was, "Is it a hybrid?" I mean, this is Northern California. When she said no, I was like, you know, I'm already wearing my raw meat evening gown with the head of a slaughtered free range chicken as a hat. Let's hope for tinted windows!
I'd never driven a car like that before, and I hate to admit it, but that was one hell of a ride and pretty much perfect for the way I drive: aggressive and unforgiving. I resent speed limits. I hold grudges for days against people who drive slowly in the lane leading up to an exit and then don't even exit. I want to follow them home and leave a note on their windshield that says YOU ARE RUINING PEOPLE'S LIVES.
Why are you looking at me as if I'm passive-aggressive? I'm a former Mormon. It's called Righteous Indignation.
I also cannot be in the passenger seat of a car when someone is driving much too cautiously, which pretty much means Tyrant is not ever allowed to drive me anywhere ever again. You would think that someone with the name Tyrant would be all over getting to his destination with vigor and purpose! But he is the exact opposite and cannot even bring himself to change lanes. Ever. OH! And he's the type of driver who starts to slow down about a hundred yards from a stop sign. I'm breaking out in a rash just remembering this.
We were headed to my sister's house to take some measurements of her basement for a design project I was working on, and before we had even left the driveway I wanted to call her and say, sorry for the inconvenience, but we'll be there in about four days, give or take a week.
And then only if I haven't rolled down the window and purposefully jumped in front of an eighteen wheeler.
It just TOOK. FOR. EVER. And I remember at one point leaning forward unconsciously thinking that by doing so I could generate enough momentum to get us there faster.
Finally my forehead reached the dashboard, and he was like, "Am I making you uncomfortable?" And I almost started to cry because I could tell that in asking me that question he had to balance his concentration between the road in front of him and the words coming out of his mouth, like he was risking everything.
When we arrived... oh wait. We're still not there. I should call my sister and let her know I'm okay.
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FM Living
Badger said:
Many happy returns Drives-like-a-granny-Tyrant x
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09.22.10 - 06:27 AM / 1doublebuttons said:
I am the same way Heather. On both counts.
However, I also get really anxious when others drive like I do when I am in the passenger seat. Feel totally out of control (but that is a WHOLE separate therapy session). So when someone else is driving I like a happy medium. But if I am driving, GET OUT OF MY WAY!
Happy Birthday Tyrant!
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09.22.10 - 06:31 AM / 2Schnauzie_Mom said:
Happy Birthday Tyrant! And Godspeed;-)
ETA: I'm also waiting for a picture of this Peter Pan XTREME haircut.
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09.22.10 - 06:45 AM / 3Bush Babe said:
Oh my, oh my... EXACTLY the same thing happens with me. I am NOT a good passenger, but in my mind, an excellent (fast) driver. Dawdling drives me INSANE.
A lovely friend was helping me get to and from a specialist appointment (I have cranky gallstones) three hours drive away last week. I drove there, and let her drive home. I guess because she was driving my car, she carefully stayed below the speed limit and was reluctant to pass slow vehicles. I was okay (ish) until we got onto gravel when she got SUPER cautious driving slowly around EACH pothole... I gritted my teeth and made small talk for a good ten minutes before (very subtly) offering to drive.
She said: Aren't I going fast enough for you?
And I said: Frankly... no.
Luckily she has a good sense of humour - and I have some excellent painkillers!
I think you should start chanting: Are we there yet? Are we there YET?
:-)
BB
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09.22.10 - 06:47 AM / 4Mini Purl said:
What you need to do is call your local motor speedway and find out of they have classes. For a price they will LET YOU DRIVE A STOCK CAR! I did it at Pocono, a friend of mine did it at Daytona. You will LOVE it!
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09.22.10 - 07:01 AM / 5DarStar said:
BWWWAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAHHAAA. Are we there yet? No. Are we there yet? No. Are we there yet? Yes. Really? No. Happy Birthday Tyrant!
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09.22.10 - 07:01 AM / 6cupidgirl21483 said:
THIS - "I hold grudges for days against people who drive slowly in the lane leading up to an exit and then don't even exit. I want to follow them home and leave a note on their windshield that says YOU ARE RUINING PEOPLE'S LIVES."
I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I want to park my car on the shoulder & chase them down the highway.
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09.22.10 - 07:13 AM / 7Jet62879 said:
This post really made me laugh. You nailed it Heather. I didn't think I could laugh about the pain I feel with those kinds of drivers but you made it happen.
Also, as a side note, I had completely forgotten about your design blog for HGTV, and now I need to go catch up on the last 4 or so posts. Maybe you can tweet every time you put a new post up there? I look forward to reading.
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09.22.10 - 07:20 AM / 8Kristi said:
This made me laugh so hard! I am exactly the same way with driving. I cannot STAND slow drivers and I am a totally obnoxious bitch when I'm behind one. And there are plenty of those people in rural Georgia. UGH!!!
Even so, I love Tyrant and I think he's good for you. Happy Birthday, Tyrant!
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09.22.10 - 07:25 AM / 9doobrah said:
You know, enough wine cures everything. And you just came back from Napa. Give Tyrant the keys, and you get liquored up. Then make like the little piggy in the Geico commercials. WEEE! WEEE! WEEEEEEEEE! Toy windmill optional.
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09.22.10 - 07:35 AM / 10LizC said:
I feel your pain. Every morning and evening my commute home is beset by people who do not know how to use an exit ramp. So they stop traffic, in the middle of a thru lane, until someone lets them over which is why traffic gets so backed up. Because people are stupid.
I have a friend who doesn't have a problem passing people but as soon as she passes someone she'll immediately move back into the slower lane even if she sees a semi up ahead and knows she'll have to just move over again. Drives me nuts.
My sister doesn't like to ride with me because I yell at all the other drivers. And, you know, occasionally I roll down my window and flip them off but that's only when they're assholes to me first. I used to be a much more nervous passenger than I am now, though, so I consider that growth.
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09.22.10 - 07:45 AM / 11slappyintheface said:
You should ride with a man who drives a firetruck for a living. He CANNOT understand why people won't get out of his way when he is in our minivan. HOLD ON KIDS - DADDY'S GOING TO HIT THE HORN AND RUN SOME RED LIGHTS !!
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09.22.10 - 07:51 AM / 12bandpma said:
Hahaha...Happy Birthday Tyrant! Is he 80 today? BTW, we share the same birthday...just not the same driving habits.
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09.22.10 - 07:54 AM / 13karmadarling said:
Oh Tyrant, I drive just like you! But at least I have the good sense to warn people and to drive as little as possible.
Happy Birthday!
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09.22.10 - 08:00 AM / 14Katie Kat said:
Okay - Tyrant and my husband must have been separated at birth, because this is the hell I live through EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND! My hubby refuses to let me drive because he says I'm a "crazy" driver... what? I am an ASSERTIVE driver that just wants everyone else to get the HELL OUTTA MAH WAY! My most common phrase in the car is "I wish I had a rubber car" - I'd just head butt everyone to the side. HE, on the other hand, drives like an old man on methadone with Alzheimers (I don't even know what that means). AAAAACK!!!! I'm so there with ya sistah!
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09.22.10 - 08:08 AM / 15labradoris said:
So, is there a finale to the basement renovation?
Happy Birthday, Tyrant!
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09.22.10 - 08:09 AM / 16gcostaki said:
You should have run over some old people. Since the car was red you wouldn't see the blood.
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09.22.10 - 08:14 AM / 17Fifi Coon said:
So - my husband drives like a grandma on the way to anywhere we are going - then drives like a maniac on the way home..............makes me completely insane - especially because I am such a good driver!!! Just ask me :o) and where are the pictures of the new haircut???
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09.22.10 - 08:49 AM / 18ERStolpe said:
Happy Birthday, Tyrant!
Granny drivers...I need a therapy session for every time I am a passenger beside one.
That's why I drive.
Everywhere.
All the time.
Always.
Me.
ps - did the wildfires affect you and yours in any way? I was thinking of you.
Ellen
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09.22.10 - 08:53 AM / 19The Prima Momma said:
Happy birthday Tyrant!
Heather - you would LOVE driving with my husband. It may very well be a life changing experience.
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09.22.10 - 08:55 AM / 20spedrson said:
My husband drives just like Tyrant! He refuses to drive even 1 mile over the speed limit. He wasn't always like this. Around 5 years ago he got a HUGE speeding ticket and my life has been forever changed. It kills me to ride with him while everyone is zipping past and glaring at us.
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09.22.10 - 08:56 AM / 21jacqueline said:
Happy Birthday, Tyrant!!
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09.22.10 - 08:59 AM / 22m2h said:
OMG, I used to be Tyrant behind the wheel (then I got older and figured I had lots of stuff to do before I died). During a cross-country roadtrip, I got pulled over in TN for going too slow. The trooper told me to "speed it up" and keep up with traffic. Talk about making a nervous driver hysterical. So after that, every time I saw a cop checking speeds at the roadside, I'd grit my teeth and put my foot down, accelerating past him with white knuckles and sweat running into my eyes.
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09.22.10 - 09:13 AM / 23mhsqrd said:
Happy Birthday, Tyrant. Also, don't ever come to Houston. You WILL NOT SURVIVE if that's how you drive.
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09.22.10 - 09:17 AM / 24reymiland said:
Don't make fun of us "Drives like Granny when she was 94" people. At least I don't drive down the road with my left turn signal on for 37 miles.
We "Grannies" are a tough but sensitive bunch!
(lol).
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09.22.10 - 09:24 AM / 25lisdom said:
I swear every time you post lately, it's about something I can totally relate to. Let's just say that it's time for me to probably have another break job on my car. I'm pretty sure I have them done every two years. What? That's not normal?
M2H: What that cop did to you is my #1 driving fantasy. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to pull people over for driving too slow. Instead, if someone is driving under the speed limit and there are no cars in front of them, I have resorted to honking at them. It's terrible, I know.
But seriously: all you slow drivers just need to live in cities with public transportation. that way you don't have to drive, and you won't incite so much road rage in the people who just want to get where they're effing going, for goodness sake.
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09.22.10 - 09:35 AM / 26lisdom said:
Oh, and happy birthday Tyrant. =) I personally think we deserved a nice picture of him to go along with this post.
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09.22.10 - 09:36 AM / 27ShainaLoves said:
GAH just reading about the tyrant's driving has me feeling physically uncomfortable. I FEEL YOUR PAIN. i am a Masshole and proud of it...i WILL make that yellow light, i WILL cut you off if you're going slow, i WILL drive a few miles in the fast lane just to go above 65...GRAR.
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09.22.10 - 09:52 AM / 28Annon said:
"...I remember at one point leaning forward unconsciously thinking that by doing so I could generate enough momentum to get us there faster."
Exactly!!
How can I send this anonymously to my husband?
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09.22.10 - 09:58 AM / 29aussome1 said:
First - Happy Birthday to Tyrant! Hope you have a great one!
Second - Heather your post made me laugh at loud!! I am the EXACT same way so to fix my problem my husband bought me a jacked up 4x4 Suburban with a huge push bar on the front and dared me to push someone out of my way! Mind you, I haven't yet but when I get behind the slow pokes they seem to quickly gravitate to another lane! Maybe y'all should all try this!! It works well for me and the slow pokeys!!
Loved the post!! Let us know when you make it to your sister's house...also what was the red muscle car you had this weekend?
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09.22.10 - 10:01 AM / 30