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All she wants for Christmas

Last night my oldest child lost her first tooth.

I'm not sure Christmas is going to live up to the celebration that occurred when it happened, not unless we have Cinderella arrive on the back of a flying unicorn carrying a bag stuffed with four tons of chocolate ice cream. And even then that princess had better know how to tap dance.

I know a lot of kids have lost a multitude of teeth by this age, but both Jon and I were late bloomers in every aspect of our lives. I mean, I didn't get boobs until a bakery in England gave them to me my senior year in college, so technically she's ahead of her inherited curve!

It was her bottom left front tooth, and it had been loose for what seems like weeks now, slowly inching toward its inevitable demise. We hoped it might just magically fall out. Why not? Nothing with Leta has been easy, not a single thing in her almost seven years on earth, why couldn't the easy part start now? Eating, sleeping, potty training, drop-offs and pick-ups from school, transitioning between anything... you know, the Mercedes and Porsches of childhood, none of them easy. I was just asking the Universe for an easy tooth! Throw me the yellow Chevy Vega Sedan you've had sitting on your lot since 1982, the one that's missing a passenger side door. I'll happily ride the shit out of that thing.

No, we had to yank on this tooth, an activity that I would happily turn down if given the choice between that and going through a natural childbirth again, I am not even kidding. There is just something about the tug of a tooth root and the idea of it tearing out of someone else's gum that makes the food in my stomach want to turn right around and get all impressionistic with the walls.

Eeeeyuuuuuuck. Eww. I know I'm supposed to be grown up about this, but when Jon asked me to feel her tooth to see how loose it was, I was all I TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT. You're in charge of this one, Jon! You do whatever you feel is right! As long as it involves putting a pillow over my head and letting me hide behind the couch.

How about we tie a string to that tooth, give the other end to Marlo and let nature takes its course?

But I knew I'd regret it if I wasn't a part of this occasion, so I held her hands (and bit my lip and repeated CALM BLUE OCEAN in my head) as Jon wiggled the tooth back and forth. At first it seemed like it wasn't time, maybe it needed a few more days to loosen up a bit more. That's when Jon suggested we search YouTube for some suggestions, and I suddenly popped out of my meditation to cuss in front of my child: Are you out of your goddamn mind?

Do you have any idea what you're going to find if you google TEETH PULLING? It's the Internet. We're not talking about an encyclopedia at the elementary school library where you'll get some sort of friendly illustration of the tooth fairy. You go ahead and google that phrase and next thing you know your kid is asking why that woman is shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina.

We waited to see if dinner would move things along, and twenty minutes after her usual bedtime we were all on the couch — me, Leta sitting on Jon's lap, McKenzie there as our cheering squad. Leta winced and grimaced and my dinner danced in my throat as Jon feverishly twisted and pushed and pulled and coaxed. Finally, one last tug... BOOM! A tiny bottom front tooth sat in Jon's hand. It was over! And Leta ran to the bathroom in disbelief. When I caught up with her she was out of breath, her mouth full of blood. Her breathing was heavy, as if she were on the verge of crying.

"Leta, are you okay?" I asked, worried she was freaking out at the sight of blood.

She didn't answer me for a few seconds, then finally turned her head to look at me as if my presence had startled her. "What? Me? HAH! I'm totally fine, Mom!" Like, what did you do today, MOM. I just lost a tooth AND I'M STILL STANDING, BRAH.

She gets to be on the tooth chart at school today, in case you didn't get that from the seven hundred times she mentioned it before going to bed. Also, I was thinking... would it be tacky to collect all her teeth so that eventually I could arrange them in a neat little pattern and then glue them to a mirror like seashells? Because think how many more people would be convinced to have children if they knew they had something like that to look forward to.

12.07.2010 Daily, Leta, Parenthood 101 comments

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  • Stacy4855 said:

    No tooth pulling for me either --- my kids are 15, 13 and 4 (no lost teeth yet) - and my sister-in-law pulled most of their teeth! No WAY could I do it...

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    12.07.10 - 02:38 PM / 1
  • melw32 said:

    My brother and sister-in-law took my niece's first tooth and used some sort of craft goop to 'memorialize' it in hardened rubber. She was told the tooth fairy left it for her as a present. She showed everyone that tooth for weeks!

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    12.07.10 - 02:43 PM / 2
  • Becky Cochrane said:

    Yay, Leta! One more rite of passage down, one million to go.

    My sister knocked out my first baby teeth lost. It was an accident, but still...

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    12.07.10 - 02:44 PM / 3
  • acm said:

    holy cow, just *reading* that made me feel a bit faint. I think I once waited one out (through threats of string and doorknobs) until it actually blackened in my mouth... yeow!

    congrats to all, for tooth and survival.

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    12.07.10 - 02:48 PM / 4
  • Failjolesfail said:

    I recommend *pushing.*

    It'd better be on its last string. Finger on top of tooth (cutting surface), push in and down. Points for hard and swift.

    Much less nauseating than pulling. My dad had to push all mine out (and yes, Mom still has them, in a little compartment of her jewelry box).

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    12.07.10 - 02:50 PM / 5
  • ladyphlogiston said:

    SALT WATER TAFFY! We always pulled teeth that way - pop a piece in your mouth, give it a couple of chews, then bite down with the loose tooth. It usually came right out. If it didn't, we'd wait a few days and try again.

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    12.07.10 - 02:51 PM / 6
  • dooce said:

    Ooh, good thinking @ladyphlogiston ! There's plenty of that around here.

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    12.07.10 - 02:54 PM / 7
  • napangel said:

    Oh, my gosh. Now I know I must really like you people, 'cause I read all the way through to the end even though I felt like puking myself.

    Congratulations, Leta!

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    12.07.10 - 02:57 PM / 8
  • Just Jill said:

    "How about we tie a string to that tooth, give the other end to Marlo and let nature takes its course?

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Love that one. I can totally see it.

    And yay Leta for getting be be on the tooth chart today!

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    12.07.10 - 02:57 PM / 9
  • Dharma said:

    Bahahaha....I have hidden behind the couch before! Boy#1 was wiggling his teeth at me and sucking in and then blowing out enough air to make the ugly little yellowing tooth wave emphatically at me like a prom queen on the back of a Cadillac :( Only after a game of chase-the-screaming-6-year-old did I get him to sit long enough for Dad to help the tooth along. Me? Head between my knees wishing I had paper lunchbags in the house.

    I liked Boy#2 better....he walked up to me in the garden at 7 and presented me with the tooth he yanked out his-damn-self. I love that child.

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    12.07.10 - 02:59 PM / 10
  • TxSuzyQ said:

    OhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhSsssshitNooooo! I can't have any part of tooth pulling. I had 2 of my teeth knocked out during a front porch swing incident around age 6 or 7 and oooooooohhhellllllnoooooooo!!!!! I still have dreams about my teeth falling out! NoNONooooo I don't want to read about the pulling out of anyones teeth again kthanksbye.

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    12.07.10 - 03:01 PM / 11
  • rspell said:

    I still have all of my baby teeth in a little bag. Glueing them to a picture frame might actually be *less* creepy.

    Our Tooth Fairy gives money and leaves the tooth behind. Maybe she can come up with a creepy craft all her own!

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    12.07.10 - 03:02 PM / 12
  • Kaff627 said:

    J lost the same tooth just a couple weeks ago! It was her first as well. I can't do the whole wiggle and pull thing either so I left it up to her and Daddy. In the end as we were climbing in the car to drive 300 miles to a funeral she pulled it. Well the tooth, the root was still in her gum! But it worked it's way out. And now her other front teeth are all loose and I have strict orders for her to wiggle them regularly b/c her permanent teeth are starting to cut through on the bottom already. So she needs to lose that other bottom tooth to make room! My mother still has all of my baby teeth as well as my sisters. I have J's in my wallet still. I need to put it in my jewelry box.

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    12.07.10 - 03:07 PM / 13
  • @suburbanhaiku said:

    If you think that's gross,
    just wait till your teenager
    pulls out a molar!

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    12.07.10 - 03:11 PM / 14
  • Dani said:

    My Mom still has all my baby teeth in a box in her dresser. I discovered this by accident as a teenager when I was looking for a hair twisty or something.

    I get that she couldn't just throw them out but I fear the day when she's gone and I have to decide what to do with them along with all her other crap.

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    12.07.10 - 03:13 PM / 15
  • Mrs.Mommy02 said:

    Wow. You really got lucky. My daughter, after being hog tied, came out sweating and crying like she had gone through natural childbirth. Thats not the worst of it, the tooth fairy is currently handing out IOUs because the entire front of my daughter's mouth bankrupted her in a matter of two months. When she opens her tiny mouth, it looks like a game of mahjong, every tooth battling to be the first one out.

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    12.07.10 - 03:13 PM / 16
  • Girassol said:

    Congrats, Leta!

    My grandfather came over to our house with a pair of needle-nose pliers to pull out my first tooth. It was actually the least traumatic thing we tried, because it was over and done with in a second.

    My mom kept all our baby teeth. I found them once in a little ceramic box on her dresser. I was expecting the box to contain earrings or something, so that was kind of a morbid discovery. She now uses those teeth to do science experiments with her third-graders... total scare-tactic science, like dropping a tooth in a glass of Coke and having the kids chart how long it takes before the tooth is completely disintegrated.

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    12.07.10 - 03:14 PM / 17
  • austin_fan said:

    Save the teeth for a science project, she can put her baby teeth into sugar, water, and soda and then report on how long they lasted.

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    12.07.10 - 03:14 PM / 18
  • jan001 said:

    I lost my first baby teeth when, at the age of 6 and not possessed of much foresight, I jumped backward into a swimming pool, while grinning, while both my top front teeth were loose, and caught said teeth on the rope that went around the inside of the pool. PLOINK! Splip, splip, two teeth gone.

    It didn't hurt and the only reason I was freaking out was because I couldn't find one of them in the pool and how was the Tooth Fairy going to know it was a twofer if I didn't find the other one?!?

    My mom, bless her, finally found a 10-year-old kid running around the pool with a swim mask and paid him the princely sum of 25 cents to find the other tooth, which he did, at the bottom of the deep end, perilously close to the drain. Oh, the drama!

    She later took me to the dentist to be sure nothing was broken off up in the gums and it was all good.

    So, if Leta's up for it in warmer weather, there's another method!

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    12.07.10 - 03:15 PM / 19
  • jan001 said:

    PS: Mrs.Mom02 - LOL at "When she opens her tiny mouth, it looks like a game of mahjong..."

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    12.07.10 - 03:17 PM / 20
  • Fanannie said:

    I am a nurse and while I can stand puke, poop, pee and pretty much EVERY body fluid that comes out of a person, I CANNOT stand the sound or sight of a loose tooth. It is my achilles heel!

    ICK! So I guess what I'm saying is: I can relate.

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    12.07.10 - 03:17 PM / 21
  • bogus36 said:

    I am right there with you. Teeth pulling gives me the hibby gibbies!

    My little one - who is so much like Leta - lost her first one this summer. She was 7 years and 3 months when it finally happened. She just lost her 2nd one a few weeks ago.

    I too was a late bloomer. Lost my last tooth when I was in 10th grade!

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    12.07.10 - 03:20 PM / 22
  • kah825 said:

    Oh my GOD! I am cringing. Vomit! I just had flashbacks to having teeth pulled before I could get braces...20 years ago and I'm still haunted. Can't you just wait and let them fall out on their own?

    Funny side story...my nephew had all of his baby teeth pulled at about age 3. They made him this hilarious looking fake set of teeth. He looked like Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. Well he was sleeping over at my sister-in-laws and woke up and his teeth were gone! Um, did you lose a tooth last night? or maybe a SET of teeth? and then nobody could find them! now the story is moving away from teeth and entering the poop zone.

    I hope the tooth fairy is good to Leta!

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    12.07.10 - 03:23 PM / 23
  • KatieMama said:

    I hate tooth pulling, it grosses me out! I just watch whenever my husband helps my son pull his teeth. I'm also weird about keeping them...I keep them. I don't know if I have all of them, but I know I have the first one. I just couldn't throw it out!

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    12.07.10 - 03:23 PM / 24
  • AmyC83 said:

    My husband's family has a weird tooth thing:

    His mom paints glass Christmas ornaments for all the kids in the family each year. She paints the kid on the front in their favorite clothes and writes all the year's milestones on the back. She also makes ornaments for the teeth each kid has lost. She puts the kid's name on the front and all the teeth inside the ornament, then hangs said tooth-filled ornament on the tree. She even does it for the dogs in the family!!

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    12.07.10 - 03:26 PM / 25
  • mommioandretti said:

    i'm with you heather. gross!

    and, i'm going to be laughing all night over "why that woman is shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina." good one!

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    12.07.10 - 03:44 PM / 26
  • poopinginpeace said:

    My oldest also lost the SAME tooth about a month and a half ago. Is that the universal first tooth to lose?? My question to you is what did the tooth fairy bring? Here in L.A. the tooth fairy has big expectations, that we weren't about to try and live up to. You can read about what we did here- http://poopinginpeace.blogspot.com/2010/10/window-...

    There was no way I was giving her what some of her friends got. I have three kids! We'd have no money left by the time we got to the last one.

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    12.07.10 - 03:46 PM / 27
  • romesick said:

    My first grade teacher, against my protestations, forcibly pulled my loose tooth. Roughly five minutes later, I fainted into the middle of reading circle. I woke up to find the school nurse running down the hallway with me limp in her arms, the teacher running alongside. They had to call my mother to come to the school and take me home.

    I'll bet my teacher never pulled another kid's tooth. ;)

    And I hated pulling my own daughter's loose teeth, too. *shiver*

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    12.07.10 - 03:50 PM / 28
  • lekika said:

    For some reason, every time I lost a baby tooth it was really painful (maybe I'm just a pansy), so now I can't stand even looking at a kid wiggling a loose tooth. But of course I read this whole post, with my hand protectively covering my mouth the whole time.

    Yay Leta!

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    12.07.10 - 03:51 PM / 29
  • chasethefirefly said:

    Congrats Leta!!!

    I have such a hard time with the teeth. My oldest (8) is so much like Leta, our first tooth was really tough to get through. It's gotten much better now, except for one tooth that somehow flipped backwards and wedged itself into the roof of my daughter's mouth. That was pure drama.

    We have saved all of the teeth so far, but I don't remember where I hid them. No teethy craft project for me, boohoo.

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    12.07.10 - 03:55 PM / 30
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