As always...thanks for posting. You're not alone!

The Mom in me wants to hug you. One step forward, two steps back. Two steps forward, one step back. You're getting there!

The courage in this post is so amazing. Thank you for speaking your truth out loud so the whole world can hear it. You are not alone, and you looking honestly at this stuff helps others do the same. Thank. You. - Cheryl

Echo, echo, echo. Thank you. My parents have never understood that I've always felt like I'm responsible for keeping them together and happy. Hell, I've never understood it. But I've been scared to death for decades that they'd divorce and it would mean that I'm worthless. Thus far, they have stuck it out, but I've found other things to prove my worthlessness. And thusly, my therapist has agreed (in my head, at least) to build me a padded room in her retirement sanctuary should she ever need to retire.

I am. right. there. with you. Except I'm two.

Last week in therapy I described it as a tiny, hard, shiny, black knot. One of those knots you can't even start to pick at to get the ropes undone because it's so tight and hard and shiny.

And then there's this Space all around it. This wide, open Universe with all this space.

I'm trying to find the bridge between so I'm not so caught in that knot all the time. So I can spend more time in that open, forgiving Space.

They say (Who is they? I will never know.) that when something tragic happens to you when you're young, you tend to feel that age for the rest of your life. My dad passed away suddenly when I was twelve. To this day, I still feel like an insecure twelve year old. I think, "I don't want that person to drive to work, because what if they get in a car accident and die?" I am always worried about people leaving and never coming back. Do I know that this is silly and that I'm doing nothing but worrying myself sick with these thoughts? Absolutely. I've been trying to change that with anti-anxiety meds, but you and I both know that no amount of meds can completely suppress those thoughts.

I think I speak for your true fans who care about you when I say that we are completely fine with you taking time off from blogging to get your shit together. Your family needs you way more than the internet does. We all want to see you happy!

Thanks for this post. How many times has my therapist said, "April, stop lying to yourself." But the perfectionist (8 yr old self) has a really hard time hearing it. Sending love and healing your way (and hoping some of it bounces back to me).

"...that dark demon has returned and is trying to convince me that it's not worth climbing over the next obstacle. Give up. Lie down and cry. Stare at the ceiling until every limb goes numb"

That same demon took up what seemed like permanent residence in my head through the end of February. Two months of therapy and a return to meds handed him his walking papers for the most part - he peeks in at least once a day - but I've slowly returned from being his indentured servant. I don't have that singular event or time in my life wherein I can pinpoint the energy on which he thrives, but he's there.

I know that a stranger on the internet can't tell you anything your therapist hasn't, so all I can do is tell you that you're not alone. And those worst, darkest days a few months ago where I almost gave up? Know where I went to feel as if I wasn't alone?

http://community.dooce.com

Your life isn't the only one your readers have saved. You're worth the fight, and your work is worth the fight. You are loved, valued and appreciated more than you'll ever know.

That demon is an absolute bitch to shake, but kudos to you and Jon for facing it on a weekly basis. Even if you can grasp the logic behind it, butting up against it on a daily basis is an ongoing, life long pursuit.

So I realize this isn't part of your day-in-the-life (nor do you have any obligation to answer this, ever), but any tips for those of us who have kids and got divorced in terms of saving them from a similar realization in their 30s? Because reading this today depressed the crap out of me. I know you didn't write "Hey, YOU BROKE YOUR CHILDREN," but with my particular pair of crap-colored glasses, that's kind of what I read.

P.S. Apologies for making this all about me. I really do appreciate that you shared that, and am just wondering if you feel like it gives you any footing in terms of extrapolating out how not to end up feeling similarly. Sigh.

Thank you so much for posting this - it gave me a much-needed epiphany about my own emotional state.

So sorry to hear things are rough right now - I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

It sucks that you even have to give us a disclaimer, that your problems can't be your problems without being measured against someone else's.

But look, you are a strong and beautiful and brave woman, and you share stories that resonate with us all. I hope you know that if Dooce ended tomorrow, that would be more than enough, and that you and your family would find a way to be just fine.

Oh Heather, I can SO relate. My parents divorced when I was 19 years old and in the past 16 years, every time I had to tell someone they were divorced or even thought about it, it made me cry. I think as children no matter how old you are, it hurts to see your parents split up and to some degree you internalize it and make it somehow your fault.

I finally saw a therapist last summer and she told me they were immature and selfish in how they handled it by putting me in the middle and that I had to let it go. (we also did this weird tapping thing all over my face and arms but don't ask about that, I didn't get it). I also did a lot of talking to my older brother who is wise beyond his years and that was helpful. We've never spoken about their divorce so it was good to get a different perspective on the whole thing. I would totally recommend speaking to a sibling about it if you think that would help. A spouse is nice to talk to but they didn't grow up in your house so they can't really "get" it. Be gentle with yourself, it wasn't your fault. (easy to say, so hard to understand).

Thanks for the reminder that I needed to look into getting back into therapy this morning ...

Also, a book recommendation: Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child (http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Tr...). It's not about polymaths. It's about children who were gifted at being strong and developing coping mechanisms, and now that they've grown up those coping mechanisms are hurting more than helping. Good stuff.

I'm sure you thought it was just you, but I read your post and thought you were talking about me. I have the same "Why am I so unhappy? People are dying of cholera in Africa!" response, and the same conviction that things that happened when I was very young were somehow my fault. And it is so very hard to change after years of thinking that way. Thank you for letting us know that we are not alone in feeling this way.