Matters of the heart, continued
The Saga of Jon's Mysterious Chest Pain continued last week when I drove him to the hospital so that he could undergo an endoscopy, a fancy term for having a tube shoved down his throat. Yes, all sorts of jokes were made beforehand. Remember, my assistant is a gay man who really enjoys making straight people feel uncomfortable. That's the first skill he lists on his resume.
They were going to inspect his esophagus and stomach for signs of anything peculiar, you know, lesions or ulcers or Osama Bin Laden. Wait. They found him? In Pakistan? PHEW. I was trying to figure out how we were going to tell authorities that Jon picked him up in Mexico and, my God, the heartburn.
The nurse who explained the procedure to Jon beforehand was incredibly thorough and loving in stark contrast to some of the doctors we've seen in the past. I'm not generalizing here, because we've seen some doctors who could rival Jesus in their bedside manner. But some doctors… the part of their brain that made it possible for them to get through medical school is so big that there is no room for the part that would make them think twice before saying, "That spot of skin cancer really isn't that big. I've got better things to do."
Or, "Your daughter sucks her thumb? Make fun of her so she'll stop."
I wasn't allowed to be in the room during the procedure, but I guess it went something like this: they fit him for a mouth guard that would guide the tube into his throat before they gave him a dose of Propofol, a fast acting anesthesia. The drug that killed Michael Jackson. This is important to remember. You'll see why.
Once he was asleep they inserted a scope into his throat and inspected the specific areas, taking biopsies if needed. From start to finish, the entire operation took twelve minutes. Meaning it lasted way longer than a lot of the guys I dated! Hey-ooh!
The nurse brought me back to see him as the Propofol wore off, and here's where I share with you just how adorable Jon is when he's drunk. Like, the most adorable drunk in the history of adorable drunks. When he saw me sit down next to his bed, he squinted at me and said, "You're so pretttttyyyyyy." And then he spent the next two minutes trying to reassure me that he was not kidding, no seriously, TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY, even though I had not said one word.
The nurse handed me a stack of paper, and I read the first page of instructions out loud to Jon. For the next twenty-four hours he was not to drive a car or operate any machinery whatsoever or engage in any important decision making. And PLEASE, refrain from any activity requiring coordination. For an Armstrong that means no walking.
The whole time I read those instructions Jon would interrupt me every two words and say, "Did you know they gave me the drug that killed Michael Jackson?!"
I'd answer, "Yes. You told me that a second ago."
And then after another two words he'd say, "OH MY GOD, I forgot to tell you. They gave me the drug that killed Michael Jackson!"
"Did they really?" I'd say.
"Huh?" he'd spurt out in return. "I don't know what you're talking about. But guess what? They gave me the drug that killed Michael Jackson!"
I continued with the instructions letting him tell me over and over that they gave him the drug that killed Michael Jackson, and then when I was finished the nurse walked over to Jon and said, "Could you please sign here to indicate that you understand the instructions your wife just read to you?"
"WHAT?" he shouted in total confusion. "She hasn't read anything to me! What are you talking about?! Hey, Heather, they gave me the drug that killed Michael Jackson!"
He doesn't remember about ten minutes of his life, but thankfully those ten minutes weren't our wedding vows or the birth of one of our children. They were just one message after another out into the ether that when you get an endoscopy you get the drug that killed Michael Jackson. ARE WE ALL CLEAR ON THAT POINT?
Preliminary diagnosis: nothing is wrong with his esophagus. Test indicated a little irritation in his stomach. So, you know, totally inconclusive. Except for the bill. That was pretty distinct and abrasive.
More tests to come. WHEEE!
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FM Living
SugarShopSweets said:
Oh Heather! You always make me smile even when you are probably terrified. I am sending you good karma and hope it is nothing more than a nasty little Mexican vacation virus he hasn't gotten rid of.
Kindest Regards,
Cathy
05.02.11 - 11:54 AM / 1jan001 said:
I've had an endoscopy. Such fun. NOT.
It's a good thing you weren't in there or else you might have mused to yourself -- as I did when it happened to me -- that the thing they put in your mouth the keep it open so they pass the tube in must look a lot like something from the back room at a porn shop.
With me, they didn't use propofol, probably because Michael Jackson was still alive. o_O
Instead they used something called Versed, and not enough of it because I didn't go out. They started with the tube and I started fighting them. It was weird because the tiny still-rational-not-at-all-anesthetized part of my brain was saying, "Just relax, swallow the tube, stop fighting" while the rest of me was strictly brain-stem, fighting for my life (or so it seemed). Really bizarre to have both going on at once.
Rather than pushing just a teensy bit more of the anesthesia into the IV, the doctor just called in a couple of nurses to hold me down. Bedside manner FAIL.
And after all that, they found nothing to explain the pain I was having.
Hang in there.
05.02.11 - 11:56 AM / 2annecat said:
Ah, yes. I once had a young doctor tell me, without having done anything more than talk to me about my symptoms, that I might have MS. I'm sure he was probably just thinking out loud, but can you imagine my reaction? Of course it turned out I didn't have it, or even anything else particularly serious.
05.02.11 - 12:01 PM / 3Daddy Scratches said:
As I'm sure they advised you at the hospital, it is important that you monitor him for signs of wanting to wear a sequined glove, moonwalk or play with Macaullay Culkin.
Sorry Jon's mystery affliction remains a mystery. Hope you guys have some answers soon.
05.02.11 - 12:09 PM / 4JourneyBeyondSu... said:
My daughter has had more experience with doctors than I. Since she is nonverbal I get to interpret most things for her. A few months ago she had surgery.
I was not allowed to accompany her as her translator (she IS smart) because she was sleeping. Duh, right? Yeah. Well, I was two floors up and across the atrium with the other worried parents when I heard them bringing my daughter down to recovery.
She doesn't scream often, but a mother knows her child's screams. I wasn't too surprised when they hurriedly came to alert us that she was in recovery a few seconds later.
Anesthesia does weird things to people for sure. When a low muscle tone child that can't walk or two keeps two grown women busy to distraction? That's some powerful stuff.
05.02.11 - 12:11 PM / 5Cecily said:
My mom totally had that drug for her medically induced coma in January and it took two or three days for it to fully work out of her system. CRAZY.
Hope he feels better soon. Endoscopies suck.
05.02.11 - 12:13 PM / 6mybottlesup said:
ugh, i'm sorry y'all are going through this... the inconclusive tests are such a damn curse, because (if you're anything like me) your mind races with "WHAT IF IT'S THIS????" or "ACCORDING TO WEB-MD, YOU HAVE SOMETHING HORRIBLE THAT WILL KILL YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY."
we had to scope jackson when he was a baby, 5 months old. the procedure was the longest 15 minutes of my life... so far. he's only 3. and like jon, my son's endoscopy resulted in nothing but a ridiculously large bill.
i wish you and jon strength.
05.02.11 - 12:20 PM / 7slappyintheface said:
When I had that done, I kept telling Derek that the numbing spray for your throat tasted like gasoline ... oh and the floor had turned to water ... and even though it had been out of style for years, they must have decorated the entire room in E.T. curtains(yeah ... the little alien guy). Oh yeah .... it was "the good stuff".
05.02.11 - 12:22 PM / 8kellyelizardbeth said:
If you ever need a new assistant, you should call me because I make EVERYONE uncomfortable.
Fact.
05.02.11 - 12:22 PM / 9Erin Human said:
I don't know why you're spending money on all those fancy doctors when everyone knows that The Internet is an excellent diagnostician. Feel better soon Jon.
05.02.11 - 12:28 PM / 10Elizabeth in Chicago said:
Weird coincidence: I had that test done last week, too! Except that someone had made a mistake and written colonoscopy on my chart. NOT KIDDING. I literally called across the hospital hallway (while naked with an IV sticking out of my wrist), NO! WRONG WAY!
They did not give me a colonoscopy (yay!), but that's one way to learn how tightly you can clench your booty.
Feel better Jon, and good luck!
05.02.11 - 12:48 PM / 11LUE said:
Very funny! Also loved that you included a picture to add to the humor!
05.02.11 - 12:49 PM / 12Former Homecomi... said:
Wow, mybottlesup and I have a lot in common already; MY son Jackson was also scoped, but at 2 months old for an unexplained continuous cough. He also had an xray taken where I had to hold his little arms up while he was trapped in a plastic tubeish thing. Jack was a trooper though and afterwards I told my husband all I could think was "Jack is trapped in a glass case of emotion!" (hope someone gets that).
It's crazy all the tests people can be put through, all the money spent and they still don't find a cause.
Hope Jon feels better, and Heather I hope YOU are feeling better also because dealing with this on top of depression and taking care of 2 kids must be next to impossible. <3 to all of you.
05.02.11 - 12:58 PM / 13Greygirl said:
My husband had that procedure recently, followed soon after by a colonoscopy! The fun never ends. Turns out he is sensitve to certain foods and is on some medication now called Aciphex (say it out loud. Seriously. Tyrant will have a field day if he has to remind Jon to take his ass-effects every day).
Mu doctor horror story? Years ago I went to a dermatolgist with a rash on my hands and he told me it was probably syphillis!
PS: it was a rash. I went away in 2 days with ointment.
05.02.11 - 12:59 PM / 14ChickWhitt said:
With my husband it was:
"WHAT?!? NO PUDDING?!?"
Again, and again, and again, and again, until I smothered him with a pillow.
He also rolled away from the entrance when I went to get the car, so they tried giving me an old lady instead. If I had known about the pudding thing, I would have taken her.
05.02.11 - 12:59 PM / 15stacey said:
The last time I went in for an endoscopy my paper was marked for a colonoscopy. Fortunately it was caught plenty early but I was all "WRONG END, PEOPLE".
I also suffer from post-anesthesia one track mind. I am thankful I don't remember it and now I don't let anyone back with me until I am making sense and can remember what the hell is going on.
05.02.11 - 01:06 PM / 16MJBUtah said:
After my husband's endoscopy he didn't do so much of the talking thing but he kept trying to pull things off of himself, like the cannula in his nose, his iv, his fingers, etc. So apparently propofol is as much fun as verced, which I was given in the emergency room once and according to the nurses I talked constantly about my cousin who worked at that hospital on the fifth floor.
I really am not a fan of drugs where you don't remember things you said after. I have spent years wondering what else I talked about.
05.02.11 - 01:25 PM / 17kellimarks said:
I had that done recently too (also followed by the colonoscopy, CT scan and ultrasound-and they still don't know what's wrong with me either). My obsession according to my husband was the living will. No less than ten times did I freak out asking why it was they asked if I had a living will. Then we went to lunch where I ordered a baked potato and potato soup. The next day I found the photos of the inside of my stomach and freaked, but my husband swears that I had already seen them, I just didn't remember.
05.02.11 - 01:26 PM / 18girlplease said:
I had that done too last month. He needs to double check if it's prophonol or fentynal. Fentynal is the BOMB. Mix that baby with versed and you are on one happy, best sleep in your life, hey how did that sparkler get there feeling you've ever had.
I now totally understand why people love heroin. Fentynal is 1,000xs worse (and deadlier) than heroin BUT the most kick ass sleep you've ever had.
Glad all is ok. Must be the age of Aquarius and the year of the endoscope.
05.02.11 - 01:30 PM / 19wilg1 said:
You know what another (albeit rare) side effect of propofol is? PRIAPISM. Which would you rather deal with? Answering the same question a hundred times is more acceptable when it's compared to a husband with an intractable woody.
Hope you get answers and Jon feels better in short order.
05.02.11 - 01:31 PM / 20felix said:
I had an endoscopy a few years ago...I don't remember much about the day, but I guess I spent most of my twilight sedation in the recovery room, where other patients who had undergone colonoscopies were hanging out waiting to "pass gas" so they could go home. Apparently there was a lot of conversation about passing gas...I know this because for WEEKS afterwards I'd say things to my girlfriend (who was in the recovery room with me, reading the same literature you were reading Jon) like "I think I dreamt last night that there was a guy talking to me about needing to pass gas" or "I dreamt we were out to dinner and there was a guy telling us about his gas pain!" Basically I spent weeks thinking I was having fucked-up dreams about strangers and their gas passing...It may be better for all of you if he doesn't get those ten minutes back...
05.02.11 - 01:42 PM / 21Bren said:
Ok, I only mention this because I haven't seen you mention it, not that you share EVERYTHING with us....oh wait......
Could Jon be having intermittent esophageal spasms? They cause MAJOR chest pains depending on where they occur, and are sometimes caused by acid splashing up into the esophagus, showing up as minor stomach irritations. Not always, though! It's one of those things that's not like the other (Sesame Street reference).
This can't HURT him and it might help: have Jon sip on peppermint tea - NOT peppermint FLAVORED tea - it has to be made from actual peppermint leaves. It's a very mild antispasmodic, it tastes good hot or cold and it gives you minty fresh burps. If his symptoms subside in frequency or severity, you might be on to something.
I only know about this because *I* went through the whole cardiac/ulcer/cartilege strain, etc. BS many years ago and finally a freaky hippie homeonaturaopathicasaurus convinced me to try it. ONE DAY later I was symptom free and even today if I get that sort of achy feeling, one or two cups and I am right as rain.
As I said, it can't hurt and the minty burbs are really cool. (Too bad you can't get them at the other end!)
Good luck!
05.02.11 - 01:45 PM / 22Meranath said:
Hey, did you know that was the drug that killed Michael Jackson?
05.02.11 - 02:13 PM / 23jan001 said:
@Greygirl - Re: Aciphex. My PCP prescribed that for me when my problems first started years ago and (pre-test) he thought I might have an ulcer.
Dr: "I think you have an ulcer. Take this. It's called Aciphex."
Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ass Effects? Wrong end, doc!"
Seriously, someone got one over on the New Drug Naming Committee on that one.
05.02.11 - 02:16 PM / 24Meranath said:
OMG, that's the same drug that killed Michael Jackson.
05.02.11 - 02:41 PM / 25sweetpotatopie said:
If my husband was that adorable when he was drunk, I'd make sure he was fully inebriated at all times. Is that tempting for you??
05.02.11 - 02:43 PM / 26tallnoe said:
Not knowing is the worst.
The 2nd most worstest thing is this:
OMG, this is so amazing! Everyone - come look at this patient!! Have you ever seen anything like it?
Um, not cool.
05.02.11 - 02:47 PM / 27dianemaggipinto... said:
maybe it's his love that is so strong it makes his heart hurt.
probably not, though.
a friend of mine reminds that without booze to complement the drugs, it's just a waste of pills :)
YMMV
05.02.11 - 02:47 PM / 28juliemewood said:
So sorry to hear. Hope all is well!
05.02.11 - 02:53 PM / 29Beauty Marks said:
Have had that same experience with my husband after he had icky procedures and propofol - except it was "I really, really love you. Do I tell you enough how much I love you?" About six times. Not that I minded. And I swear he looked exactly like Jon - loopy and vulnerable and sweet.
05.02.11 - 03:02 PM / 30