And everyone’s hair looked awesome

Saturday night my good friend Stacia joined me and Cami for sushi and a viewing of Bridesmaids afterward. Our other friend Heather, the brave woman who waxes my eyebrows and kindly refrains from yelling OMG THEY’VE GROWN TEETH SINCE I LAST SAW YOU, she was supposed to join us but couldn’t find a babysitter. Have all the men reading this fallen asleep and drooled spit down their chins yet? No? GET ON THAT.

I knew the theater would probably be packed that night, so I bought three tickets earlier in the day to make sure we could get seats. Look at me being proactive! And managing an event! And being proud to call “going out with my friends” an “event” as if I had to scout a location, find a keynote speaker, and make sure that the guests with food allergies had plenty of options. Here are your gluten-free muffins, BITCHEZ.

Sushi was fantastic, especially when the server walked up and said, “The manager says you have a blog? It’s called douche.com?”

I’m recounting this specifically because I really want to brighten the day of some of my haters. Oh, how original they think they are when referring to me that way.

(“Hey, look! It’s Heather Hamilton. More like Heather HAMBURGER!” That one never got old.)

Stacia and Cami were about to correct her, but I was like YES. That is EXACTLY what my blog is. VAGINA ALL THE TIME.

We were almost finished with dinner when Heather texted Stacia and said she’d found childcare and would meet us shortly. Awesome, right? We had enough time to order her a drink and some food. Except… I don’t know if I’ve shared this with you guys yet, but… I have a bit of an issue when it comes to seeing movies in theaters. Okay, a huge issue, and I’m really sensitive about it, and this is me being vulnerable and serious:

The world will end if I miss the previews.

I’m not kidding. I get hives just thinking about it. Why would you pay good money and then travel to a location outside your home only to miss the previews? That’s part of the package of seeing a movie in a theater. Period. Done. Miss the previews and you might as well skip the whole movie! And then walk outside and get hit by a bus.

We were pushing it on time when Heather finally arrived, and I started to get jittery. Everyone was like, dude, what is up? And I was like, DUDE, THE PREVIEWS. Heather finally piped up and said, “OH NO. You’re one of those.”

FINE. Yes. I am one of those. I can relax and take it easy in a lot of situations BUT THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. Could they not see that the hives had traveled up my neck and were swallowing the right side of my face? The wheezing? Did they just write that off as old age?

Several minutes passed and no one was showing any indication of urgency, so I had to do what I had to do. I slapped my palm in the middle of the table and then belched a good third of the alphabet. Loudly. Oh hell yes, IT HAD COME TO BURPING.

I knew that THIS, this giant squawking burst of air would show them just how much I meant business. Apparently, though, it also scared the living shit out of the woman sitting at the table next to us. I was too embarrassed to turn and see her reaction, but they assured me that my declaration had produced in her a physical movement similar to the one when your face is in the toilet and you’re puking a gordita.

It got them moving, all right. They didn’t want to be seen too close to the belching woman who blogs about vaginas.

As we got up to leave I approached at the woman sitting at the other table and apologized.

“I’m sorry about that burp,” I said. “You see, we’re going to be late to a movie and there is the slightest chance that we might miss the previews and then we’d all die. I had to get my bitches ON THEIR GAME.”

Fast forward to the lobby of the movie theater, and Heather and I had to stand in line to buy her a seat. Remember? I’d only bought three tickets. This is exactly why I’m not an event planner. Put me in charge and the one guest allergic to peanuts will accidentally slip headfirst into a pool of peanut butter that’s been set up by one of the sponsors.

And you’ll never guess who was standing in line in front of us. Because it’s Utah I want to say Donny Osmond, but that would be a lie. Although don’t count that out. I’ll probably see him next week at the grocery store in line with Peter Frampton and the mythical bobcat.

THE WOMAN WHO WAS HORRIFIED BY MY BURP, that’s who. She was standing in line in front of us. RIGHT in front of us. So I tapped her on the shoulder, waited for her to recognize me and said, “YOU GET TO SIT NEXT TO ME! WHEEEEE!

I did. I said those words exactly. Because sometimes you have to grab life and shake it and sink your teeth right into its neck. If I hadn’t said that to her, if I had let that opportunity slip away, well then, I wouldn’t be douche, now would I?

(P.S. We didn’t miss the previews, obviously, since I’m alive to write this.)

  • Round Rock Gal

    Brilliant post! And I too love the previews. My husband and I even play a game called “Let’s try and remember what they all were” AFTER the movie? Of course, then I have to remember to COUNT how many we saw, and then remember what that number was. Usually there are so many previews that for a brief moment I forget what movie we are about to see. It’s sad getting old, isn’t it.

  • delaney042

    :) aaaaand b/c my brain plugs inappropriate content into pop culture references…ahem…(to the tune of “Party All the Time”) “mum-ble mum-ble vagina all the time, vagina all the time, vagina all the time…!”

    Very impressive burping control, btw.

  • willgoh2

    I have to get there before the previews not to watch the previews but to get the seat(s) I want to get. I’m very picky about the seats, it’s got to be about a third from the top by an aisle (for easy access to the bathrooms and leg room for my tall huz).

  • Ashleigh

    Ok I have issues going to the movies. I MUST be there before the previews, but not to see the previews. I have a fear of falling up the stairs trying to find my seat in the dark so I have to be in my seat before they turn down the lights. I actually panic if I am not there early. I also won’t drink a ton of soda because I don’t want to fall down the stairs if I have to get up to go to the bathroom. So basically I make sure to take an extra Xanax before I go to a movie.

  • mlouprice

    I loved the movie, except the gratuitous five minute toilet scene. Not my thing. The guy playing the cop is now on my major crush list. I am sucker for an Irish accent. I am the EXACT same way about previews. I like to get there when they are running First Look. My husband says I am the only person who cares. I immediately sent him this post so he can see that I am not.

  • ChickWhitt

    The hubs and I are going to see it along with Hangover 2 this weekend as a double feature at the drive-in, and I totally cannot wait!

  • Sarah McDougall

    OMGosh! I’m like that too! I must be in my seat at least 10 minutes PRIOR to the previews. The whole movie going experience is just not the same without it. Now if only I could explain this to my boyfriend. Maybe that’s why we don’t see very many movies together….

  • Greygirl

    Oh, I’m with you on the preview love. And the only people I hate more than those who walk in after the previews start are those neanderthals who get up and walk out before the very last credit has rolled. Yes, I must know who was the animal wrangler and who did craft services. I stay until the last studio logo fades off the screen and the usher is poking under my feet to clean the floor for the next showing.

  • poopinginpeace

    Thank you for being one of THOSE. Without you, my husband would be out of a job. You see he is one of those who makes the previews you love to watch so much. Yes there are people that do that. He is an editor at a movie advertising company. The best is going to a movie and seeing something that he worked on. I’m always impressed. I used to work in the same business, before having kids, and becoming another mommy blogger. You would think that one would get sick of seeing previews when you work with them so much, but I still love them!

  • Nhiro

    I hate missing previews too, and this is coming from someone who’s perpetually late to everything.

    How much did you love Bridesmaids? Wilson Phillips ending = PERFECT.

  • jessjgh1

    First, I had to log in just to say that I wish I knew exactly what parts of this story were true and which part were… nicely embellished (-;

    I admit, I’m chronically late, so you’d hate me- and I hate to be late, but it just always happens. I haven’t died yet. I hate to miss the previews, too, and the only ones we missed entirely were the ones my husband made us late for. As long as I see some of them, I’m happy- but to him, the are dispensable– however, we must stay till the final final, very final end of the credits.

  • mybottlesup

    i’ve been known to die, actually cease breathing and DIE if i miss the previews. in fact, i make an effort to be the first person in the theater. for the previews. so i don’t die. sometimes, i even forget what movie i bought the ticket for because i get SO FUCKING EXCITED about the previews.

    so yeah, i get it.

  • slappyintheface

    I laughed so hard at that movie that I was crying and hyperventilating at the same time … please tell me that you stayed for the last scene. Derek keeps walking around talking about “meats and cheeses”.

  • Former Homecoming Queen

    I get giddy and actually clap when the previews start. A friend that I met since I had my son assumed it’s because I haven’t been to the movies in awhile, but my husband was quick to correct her. He assured her that I’ve been doing it since we started dating over 5 years ago and I am just a dork.

    There were 2 things I absolutely loved about Bridesmaids: 1)getting to see Kristen Wiig carry a whole movie and 2) how it reminded me of the douchy guys I used to date before I wised up.

  • slappyintheface

    and now I have “Hold On” stuck in my head … AGAIN!!!

  • OrangeLily

    Methinks you were obnoxious to your sushi neighbour. Yes, it was funny in your universe. Guess I’m sitting in her universe today.

  • CornFedGirl

    I actually like to arrive BEFORE the previews. I have issues.

  • civic483

    We should totally go to movies together. I am also of the sort that must be seated (mostly centered, about half way back from the screen) and comfortable for about 5 min BEFORE the previews start. Otherwise this meant that we were too close to MISSING THE PREVIEWS. My husband puts up with my neuroses. Thanks goodness or else, you know, THE WORLD MIGHT END.

  • swilliams38

    Douche…I mean Dooce:

    Loved this post. Very funny. Question: How do you manage to get out? I feel like I rarely get to go anywhere. Of course, I have four children and no family around to help out…maybe that has something to do with it. :) hee hee. Anyway, I missed two minutes of the previews when I went to see Bridesmaids with my teenage daughter and I was PISSED. I should’ve walked out! Keep up the crazy talk, I love it!!!!

  • SaucyTomato

    I am totally dating ONE OF THOSE… and you have him to thank for stopping me from yelling DOOOOOOOOOOCE across the entire theater Saturday night. Did you intentionally choose to sit in the THIRD ROW???? Movie was awesome btw, I can’t wait to see it again with my females.

  • Sadie923

    I, too, am one of THOSE. But seriously, the previews are part of the whole movie-going EXPERIENCE. It’s just ruined without the previews.

    How was the movie?

  • hayofray

    Um, http://trailers.apple.com/ ? Did I just save the world?

  • RoseTattoo

    We don’t know that everyone’s hair looked fantastic if there’s no picture.

  • jenwilson

    You are so hilariously awesome. I hate missing the previews too – not to the extent that you hate missing them, but I hate it all the same. And if everyone in the theatre is TALKING THROUGH THE PREVIEWS I want to tell them all to SHUT UP BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR THE PREVIEWS.

  • mecccii

    I am with you on this one. Previews add to the cinematic experience. Love them, need them. High five to hayofray, when I bored, I watch the trailers on Apple. Maybe I have a preview problem.

  • PrestonK

    I get embarrassed very easily. Blushing is my superpower. I have to change the channel or leave the room if someone is doing something super embarrassing ON TELEVISION (The Bachelor).

    Reading this post gave me hives.

  • becaru

    Thank you for a laugh hearty enough to bring tears to my eyes, I really needed that today.

    P.S. I always time it to miss the previews if possible…they’re so loud! Well, probably not louder than you belching the alphabet, come to think of it.

  • Laura Mauk

    And after seeing Bridesmaids, how much do you want to makeout with Kristen Wiig or her policeman boyfriend whose name I cannot remember? I can’t decide which one I want to kiss more because they were both so genuine and warm and fallible and real. She’s a genius. Uhmazin’ movie, right?!
    Laura

  • sybann

    Heh. Seriously. HEH.

  • Swedelover

    You would love seeing movies in Sweden then! You have an ASSIGNED seat and it’s considered to be rude to show up late or to have your butt toward people’s faces when climbing over people because you didn’t arrive early enough to get to your seat in the middle of the row.

  • girlygirlsrock

    Hello…so feel your pain!! WHY else would we leave the comfort of our own home movie theaters with comfy leather reclining seats, good bottles of opened wine, popcorn with parmesean and no annoying screaming children – hello!! DUCT TAPE people and waaay cheaper than ungrateful teenage babysitters. Has it really taken the masses this long to figure this all out. PREVIEWS are the only f”(&^*M reason we go live to the THEATRE (how do you even spell that douche word) to see what is coming.Or my next fav thing on earth delivered to my mailbox – Entertainment Magazine!!! All the latest movie, tv and books!!! Nirvana!!!But if I am out in public for a movie I want my freakin previews. So, I totally get that. And I sneak in my own wine, chocolate and parmesean popcorn.

  • KatR

    I will have a nervous breakdown if I’m not seated in a movie before the previews start.

    I also have to be at the airport about two days before my flight leaves.

    Issues.

  • WindyLou

    hmmm….my comment was eaten by the internets.

    I hope that you enhanced the horrified burp lady’s cinematic experience by tossing popcorn and hot tamales at her head.

    I loved Bridesmaids. Poop is ALWAYS funny.

  • luv and kiwi

    That movie is by far my favorite movie of 2011! I am a huge fan of fart/butt/poop humor.

  • teksupddg

    @mlouprice Chris O’Dowd. To see more of him check out “The IT Crowd” on Netflix. He’s funny. also I think he was in Pirate Radio but don’t quote me. Also, more Chuck, please :)

  • Dani

    And that’s what saved us all from the rapture. I knew it had to be something big.

  • sugarleg

    duuuuuuuuuuuude. I got hives just reading about your anxiety about possibly missing the previews and you getting hives. all my friends know, I have to be there like 30 minutes EARLY. it is one of the few times in my life I am on time in fact, for the picture show.

    also, BRIDESMAIDS? hilarrrrious. saw it TWICE opening weekend.

  • jseadia

    Ha ha ha. That’s awesome. (as always)

    And I get the EXACT same way about movies! We went to a movie on Sunday and had assigned seats, and I was FLIPPING out about being late and missing the previews!

  • arishell

    Good on you for keeping up the brand image! Love it!

  • piperlady

    Dooce is officially a big fish in the small Salt Lake pond.

  • doobrah

    Just the opposite. The world will end if I don’t see the credits. All of them. Sit down, don’t you know I’m trying to see who was the assistant to Mr. Cruise and second unit assistant director. All the way to the end. Then projectionist, you can turn up the lights and close the curtain.

  • SuzRocks

    I get so anxious about missing previews it’s not even funny. No matter who I’m seeing a movie with, I always lean over and say, “I love previews so much!” (I just realized this trend this past weekend).

    Usually by the end of the previews, I don’t even want to see the movie we are there to see anymore. I want to see one of the NEW ones.

  • msoma1

    Love it! I also have to get a specific seat :)

  • HungryGrad

    The only thing better than saying, “…VAGINA ALL THE TIME,” would have been saying”…VAGINA ALL THE TIME. I mean, duh, we ARE at a sushi restaurant,” followed by a monologue on sushi, vaginas, goodness, badness, and the presence and absence of fishiness.

    (But only if you could have kept a straight face, delivering your monologue like Seth Rogan.)

  • whurlgurl

    I love when you find your mother-ship and the occupants that you belong with! I will seriously not go into the theater if we miss the previews. I also clap when the previews start. I rate how much I will possibly like the movie…i.e. ah, that is just a renter. I will also go to a movie that I am not psyched about just to see a preview of a movie that I am very excited about(Harry Potter or any Pixar movie)!! I am thinking that Vagina’s all the time would be just a renter though………

  • Absent Minded Housewife

    So I’m at the Joan Jett concert with my gay sister and her partner and a thousand of other lesbians when I get bumped in line from behind. I turn my tall self around to find I’m nose deep in some chick’s cleavage. She’s drunk and asks, “Do I look like a lez to you?” and I reply, “No, but you can ask my sister.” My sister affirms my opinion and my sister’s wife did as well. Drunky McCleavage then shouts something half intelligible about female genitalia and saran wrap.

    During the concert I sat behind the skinniest man in shorts and a wifebeater with the hugest mustache I’ve ever seen. He had no rhythm. Neither do I so I can call him out.

    Offended by a burp. Please.

  • Schnauzie_Mom

    You preview-watcher! Sitting through the previews is enough to make me want to stab myself with a fork. I’m that asshole sneaking in right as they tell you to silence your cell phones (oh who am I kidding, they do that like ten THOUSAND times). I can’t sit through previews because I will inevitably eat all my over-priced food and then WHAT will I have during the movie?

    Glad you had fun though. I totes want to see that movie! Was it worth the movie ticket cost? AKA your first born child?

  • dooce

    @Schnauzie_Mom I absolutely adored that movie. Haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. It’s like a wild ride through Kristen Wiig’s mind.

  • tokenblogger

    And you survived the rapture, too!

    ;o)

  • Schnauzie_Mom

    I definitely need to see it then. Kristen Wiig was so under-utilized (is that a word?) in Knocked Up.