When networking goes horribly wrong

I didn’t think this time would ever come, but in the last couple of months I have had to reassess my list for a reason other than “this one hates dogs” or “that one has toe hair.”

You’re like, this had better not be her grocery list.

The list list. The five people you would most like to have sex with outside of your marriage, and if one of them called you up and was all, hey girl, your significant other would have to give you a pass. Except, the people on your list have to be so out of reach that such a phone call would not ever happen. So out of reach that you cannot know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows their dentist.

Enter: Christy Turlington. Those who are familiar with my list asked me if I brought this up with her during our trip to Bangladesh, and I was like, RIGHT. How on earth was that conversation supposed to go?

“I really want to have sex with your friend’s husband.”

And then she’d be like, great. Nice to meet you, too!

A few weeks before our trip I read a profile of Gwyneth Paltrow in Bon Appetit talking about her cookbook. She mentioned throwing a party for a whole bunch of her friends, and Christy is quoted in the article. SHE WAS AT THAT PARTY. Guess who happened to be there, too? Gwyneth’s husband. Chris Martin. Occupier of the top spot on my list.

He couldn’t be fifth, COULD HE. NO. He had to be at the top. So I awkwardly approached my husband and asked if there might be an exception to the rules, like, maybe instead of taking someone off of your list you just move them down a few notches. I didn’t tell him why I was asking, only that a friend wanted to know.

“Christy Turlington knows Gwyneth Paltrow, doesn’t she?” he said more than asked.

DAMMIT.

Turns out, yes, they know each other well. Very well, so Chris had to be erased completely from the list. So I wrote his name on a piece of embossed stationery, folded it in half and buried it in the back yard, the silence broken only as my tears bounced off the fresh dirt. SEE WHAT YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON, CHRIS.

What a sorry state my list was in! No number one, and two whole spots occupied by Michael Phelps? HEATHER. Pull yourself together. What if some hunky famous person calls in the next couple of weeks for some action and he’s not listed? The rules say you’d have to turn him down. My marriage vows do, too, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT.

I’ve had to come up with a revised list, and this is not easy work! There are only five spots and yet very many famous people getting in shape for their next role!

And I don’t remember what it was, oh, wait. Yes I do. It was this clip of Ryan Gosling feeding an apple to his dog when I remembered how I used to really dislike Ryan Gosling, not for any particular reason, only that people (little girls) kept raving about “The Notebook” and I most certainly was not going to see “The Notebook” until I finally gave in and saw “The Notebook” and HOLY SHIT, I LOOOOOOOVE RYAN GOSLING.

That kissing scene in the rain. You cannot finish watching that movie with your virginity intact. Not possible.

And then here he is breaking up a street fight. Behold his arms:

Almost all of the work he has done since “The Notebook” has deepened that love. He’s hot, pure sex even, but he’s also… strange. Sometimes he looks like his great grandfather from Hoboken dressed him, but he doesn’t care. And it’s that not caring that takes him from no where near my list to the top spot.

So here’s what it looks like now:

1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Brad Pitt
4. Clive Owen
5. Damon Albarn

What is the state of your list?

  • angiedb

    And, um, yeah. Whoever it was that said Jeff from Big Brother. Yes, please.

  • Just Julie

    for a minute there I thought I was going to be the only one who had Craig Ferguson on their list. . . glad to see a few others know who this charming Scottish lad is. And Dave Gahan. Take me away with the musicians, please.

    The only wrinkle in the current Craig Ferguson armor is that he married a few years back. Before that, circa 2008, when I first “found” him, I thought I’d hit the jackpot fantasy world and could just die happy on the spot. I was getting my crackpipe hit nightly via his show, and that was enough for me! Googling, generally stalking his fine a$$ all over the internet was so satisfying. I felt I could carry on with the hum-drum life of an almost 20 + year marriage to a dullard, if only I could keep up the fantasy of this charming, beguiling, flirtacious man.

    Then, he went and got married. For anyone interested, his first show back, after his wedding, he not only acknowledged how many “of us” would be utterly gutted by this news, but he looked a bit sheepish about the whole “marrying a 20 YEARS younger woman”. He knew he was hypocrasing himself all over the place, as he’d made a point in some shows to make fun of the dudes who do the mid-life crisis babes. Oh well, I”m over him going off and being an ordinary married celebrity dude who has a baby at almost 50. He’s off my tivo rotation, but I turn him on (lol) for kicks when I’m bored.

  • Dirse

    1. Stephen Colbert
    2. Wyatt Cenac
    3. Jesse Eisenberg
    4. Nathan Fillion
    5. John Oliver

    Actually anyone at The Daily Show….

  • AshesVonDust

    Ok, I just watched the clip from the Unfunny Douche Night Show… I know he’s not wearing socks with his shoes, but I don’t care, he is carefully biting off a piece of apple to feed his dog. Not chucking a biscuit at him. LOVINGLY HAND FEEDING HIM. *swoon* I don’t care for him that much, but awww-freakin’-wwww!

    My list:

    David Usher
    Alan Rickman
    David Bowie
    Trent Reznor*
    Gaspard Ulliel

    *Only if I had a time machine back to the 90s… But if I had that, I would never come back, so this comment doesn’t exist

  • danioz

    Here I was thinking I only had THREE to choose from and I can have FIVE! Made my day!

    Mine are:
    1. George Clooney (have a thing for cropped grey hair on men)
    2. Ryan Gosling (even hot as Lars)
    3. Louis Theroux (geek chick has always done it for me)
    4. Bradley Cooper (but only if he speaks french a’la http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdsoFZxk7DU)
    5. Jason Bateman (like an old pair of slippers, Mr Bateman has been with me since my youth)

  • IsabelofBedlam

    DAMON ALBARN
    DAMON ALBARN
    DAMON ALBARN
    DAMON ALBARN
    DAMON ALBARN

    Yep!

  • AshesVonDust

    Chino Moreno, Robert Downey Jr, Anthony Head, Chris Meloni, Alexander Skarsgård, Sam Trammell, Kevin Alejandro, Richard Armitage, April Flores, Mandy Morbid (yep, had to throw some porn stars in there) – MAN I need a longer list!

    Can I just have sex with everybody? Please?

  • mywholelife

    We call it Who Is in Your Minivan.

    I drive.

    In the back row are Lenny Kravitz, Brandi Carlile, and Dave Annable.

    Behind me are Hilary Swank and Brad Pitt.

    Jon Stewart is shotgun.

    Now that’s a road trip.

  • suebob

    1. Craig Ferguson
    2. Adrien Brody
    3. Kakå
    4. John Stewart
    5. Ira Glass

  • mrburns

    Am I really going to throw the first Jeff Goldblum out there? Shame on all of you!

    1. Jeff Goldblum
    2. Dave 1 of Chromeo
    3. Trent Reznor, pre “married with a kid now I’m happy and life is grand” douchery
    4. Audrey Tatou, “Amelie” anyone? Le sigh…
    5. Judd Nelson circa the Brat Pack years

  • Amy J.

    Ok, I gotta join in here.

    1. Either of the Avett Brothers, but I do have a preference for Seth
    2. Ryan Gosling
    3. Alexander Skarsgard
    4. Jim Sturgess
    5. Josh Halloway

    Alternates

    1. Ray Lamontagne
    2. Matt Costa
    3. Johnny Depp
    4. Robert Plant 30+ years ago
    5. Clint Eastwood 30 years+ years ago

  • desertwolf

    Assuming they were gay and single (and maybe a bit desperate, heh):

    1. Joe Manganiello
    2. Gerard Butler
    3. Hugh Jackman
    4. Ryan Reynolds
    5. Ryan Kwanten

    with some consideration to:

    1. Angelina Jolie
    2. Milla Jovovich

  • MereDeDeux

    1. Pierce Brosnan – fell in lust when I was in elementary school and he was Remington Steele…and he still does it for me
    2. Brad and/or Angelina – I’m flexible (bonus!)
    3. Jake Gyllenhaal – those eyes…
    4. Matthew McConaughey – because you just know he’s a helluva ride
    5. Chace Crawford/Zac Effron (just b/c they’re so… corruptible!)
    Honorable mention – in memorium – JFK, Jr.

  • Natascha

    1. George Clooney
    2. Rodrigo Santoro
    3. Javier Bardem
    4. Ashton Kutcher
    5. Hugh Jackman

  • denise karis

    I spent more time on this shit than I did on my college application. I think my priorities are clear.

    1. Leo Dicaprio – if this can get weird, afterward, I’d fake a death scene and see Leos famous “Noooooo, OH GOD NO!” over my dead body.

    2. Teenaged Vampires…Rpatz for the people who think that’s cheating. Blood should be drawn somewhere in here.

    3. John Krasinski – you know you would. I’d have to act innocent for this one.

    4. Young Brando – I have never talked about anything with so much conviction as I have when I’m talking about the beauty of young Brando. It would be in black and white if I had a say so.

    5. Conan O’Brien – I feel bad that he’s at the bottom of the list since this one really is true love but there it is.

    (I also have to say I’m sorry, SO SORRY, to Jack Shephard/ Matthew Fox….We’ll get you in there once one of those five call me.)

  • schweedie

    @Norabloom – Rosario Dawson is my choice among the ladies as a straight woman, if that makes you feel better! Always has been, always will be. Girl is hot.

    1. James McAvoy (I believe someone else mentioned Mr Tumnus? You are not alone.)
    2. Ryan Gosling
    3. Edward Norton
    4. James Franco
    5. Jamie Bell (He’s only two years younger than me. Don’t look at me like that!)

    Honorary mentions to Taye Diggs, Milo Ventimiglia and Mark Ruffalo.

    I’m loving the recurring Gosling theme, here! It’s like you say, Heather – pure sex and strange at the same time.

  • Becky Cochrane

    NO, Chloe. Gilles Marini is mine. Also Lenny Kravitz, John Hamm, Dermot Mulroney, and I can’t seem to come up with a fifth.

  • Cool_Mable

    My husband and I each year say who we would like to have come to our “birthday parties”

    This year:

    1. Sting
    2. Sam Shephard
    3. Lenny Kravitz
    4. Jude Law
    5. Harry Connick Jr.

  • raynshannon

    1. Ryan Renolds
    2. Tanning Chatum
    3. Kellan Lutz
    4. Eric Dane
    5. Jared Padalecki/Jesse Williams (I cannot decide. Depends the day. But OMG totally mouthwateringly scrumptious.)

    You know, this is my list today. But it may change tomorrow. 5 is totally an unfair number.

  • annecat

    Did not a single one of you say Bono? Really?! Yes, ideally anywhere from the late 80s to the mid 90s, but come on! :)

  • clh378

    gosling is so damn sexy… mmmmm. His quirkyness shoots him past Johnny Depp, which is quite the feat in my eyes:

    1. Ryan Gosling
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Jon Hamm
    4. Owen Wilson
    5. Taye Diggs

  • LynnB

    Matt Beringer (lead singer of The National)
    Paul Rudd
    Colin Firth
    Pierce Brosnan
    Richard Gere

  • lynnie

    1. Alex O’loughlin
    2. Dave Grohl
    3. George Clooney
    4. Harrison Ford
    5. Andy Garcia

    Thanks! This was fun!

  • LynnB

    I’m going to take the next hour and listen to The National now. There goes my productive morning.

  • beardlover

    I’d always heard of this as the “guilt-free three” list. Mine has long consisted of:

    1. Zachary Levi
    2. Adrian Grenier
    3. Rob Pattinson (for some reason, I find his social awkwardness very endearing)

    Adding two more feels like such an important decision; I don’t want to rush it. I think I need to leave that 5th spot blank for a while so I don’t choose poorly, but I can definitely tell you who my 4th would be.

    4. Grater (of Pushba and Grater quasi-fame: http://goo.gl/qg3FV) I know he doesn’t fit my “type” and he’s a bit feminine looking, but dang. That hair. Those calves. Bring. It. On.

  • haspotential

    Paul Rudd
    Paul Rudd
    Ryan Kwanten
    Alexander Skarsgard
    Paul Rudd

    (My husband better hope I don’t meet Paul Rudd).

  • mitzyjalapeno

    OK, the boyfriend is very against this but I say it’s always allowed. So, it’s allowed :)

    1. Ryan Reynolds – I’m in New Orleans, and if he were shooting a movie here, he might be in danger of being stalked. (I’ll never know if he’s here, though, because the temptation would be too much.)
    2. Clive Owen
    3. Andy Whitfield
    4. Jon Hamm
    5. And, even though I’m ashamed, Matthew Morrison: http://www.broadway.com/buzz/154321/photos-video-sexy-matthew-morrison-hits-the-beach-for-details-cover-story/

  • lupe1515

    1. Matt Damon (been at the top of my list since high school when Good Will Hunting stole my heart – and he hasn’t disappointed me since).
    2. Daniel Craig (hello Bond).
    3. Ryan Reynolds (the abs, oh, the abs).
    4. Sam Worthington (where has he been lately?).
    5. Filled by rotating actors in very specific roles and changes when their subsequent role turns me off/is not so sexy (i.e., Russell Crow in Gladiator = swoon, Russell Crow in A Beautiful Mind = amazing but not nearly sexy enough, obvi).

  • The Baker Bee

    1. Brad Pitt. He’s been number 1 since I was 15… 15 years ago. I don’t care how weird he is.
    2. Ewan McGregor. Yes, please.
    3. Ryan Reynolds
    4. Ryan Gosling
    5. Mark Wahlberg

  • jenm

    1. James Badge Dale
    2. Simon Baker (he’d have to talk with the Aussie accent though – okay, not really)
    3. John Barrowman (I know, REALLY no chance there but yummy nonetheless)
    4. Carl Urban
    5. Owain Yeoman (it’s a height thing, I’m 6’2″ and for once I’d like to make out with a guy who’s actually taller than me).

  • knolting

    1. Jake Gyllenhaal
    2. Ben Barnes
    3. Lee Pace
    4. Ryan Gosling
    5. Ewan McGregor

    mrowr.

  • deedeedragon

    Hugh Jackman
    Vincent Cassel
    Mark Harmon
    George Clooney
    Brad Pitt (he almost ran me over once here in France, but I don’t think that counts as knowing him)

  • Pandora Has A Box

    Heather, you can keep Chris Martin. Or not. But I’ll FIGHT you for Clive Owen.

    My list:

    1)Keanu Reeves
    2)Tom Petty
    3)Laird Hamilton
    4)Clive Owen
    5)Monica Bellucci

    The number 3 spot rotates. Kind of like a guest starring position on Love Boat. Which makes Keanu Reeves “Gopher” and Tom Petty “Issac” and Clive Owen “the Captain”.

    Please hand me some brain bleach. Stat!

  • MsMegan

    1-5. Colin Farrell

    You know, he could be sort of like Oliver Reed. Except not quite dead.

    Anyone know him?

  • Rena Gray

    If you wrote about love for Ryan Gosling and didn’t mention Crazy, Stupid Love then you need to run and see that movie. I said RUN! He’s dreamy and did you know he was in the Mickey Mouse Club?! He can sing!

  • Kristina

    1. Eric Dane
    2. Alexander Skarsgard
    3. Patrick Dempsey
    4. Gerard Butler
    5. Orlando Bloom

    Oh so yummy!

  • LolaLala

    Good Hell, please check out Ryan’s band Dead Man’s Bones!

    http://www.deadmansbones.net/

    They’re so sexually creepy and it works.

  • honkytonk

    I’ve read all of your lists and cannot resist mentioning that Dr. Drew shows up exactly as many times as George Clooney. For reals?

    Moving on:

    1. Paul Rudd
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Jeff Tweedy
    4. Louis CK (I know, I know. Who am I to mock anyone else’s choice?)
    5. Cloons

    With Kyle Chandler as a solid alternate, but really I’d just kind of like to marry him, which I believe is outside the scope of the list.

  • Court4453

    I don’t really have a list because I’m not married, but if I was the Ryans would be at the top (Gosling then Reynolds). If you haven’t seen Crazy Stupid Love you need to only because it will make your love for Ryan Gosling grow. He’s amazing.

  • harpylisa

    I don’t have a list, but I do have an island. An island of men. And I can send the old, tired, disappointing ones off to sea and bring fresh, new men in whenever my heart desires… Of course, I’d keep them in a penned in enclosure, going out to retrieve the one I want, lantern in hand… they, of course, would be cowering in the corner…

    I fear I’ve said too much. Anywho…

    Currently on my island…

    Robbie Williams
    Clive Owen
    George Clooney (he’ll soon be too old for this)
    Gerrard Butler (but only if he promises to look like King Leonidas for the duration of his stay)
    Damon Albarn (good call, Heather)

  • bwsf

    Oh, but Brad and Gwynnie used to date, non? Ruh roh. ;) Brad Pitt will always be on my list, no matter who I may meet.

  • wolgam_l

    1. Ryan Gosling
    2. Chris Hemsworth
    3. Mark Wahlburg
    4. Ryan Reynolds
    5. David Beckham

    I hope you’ve seen Crazy, Stupid, Love. If you haven’t you MUST see it. Most underrated movie of the summer. Ryan Gosling is BEAUTIFUL in it..

  • TeacherinRye

    Oh, Ryan Gosling. Also number one on my list!

    2. Gabriel Macht
    3. Jeff Schroeder (of Big Brother fame)
    4. Mark Wahlberg
    5. Matt Damon (in the Bourne series)

    Ryan Gosling doesn’t even need a number by his name. He is too delicious!

  • tnzed

    OMG, how has Viggo Mortensen not made it onto anyone’s list? I bought Hidalgo on the pretense that my kids would like a good old adventure movie, but really, it’s just for me. So. . .

    1. Viggo Mortensen
    2. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine (so moody and wild)
    3. Daniel Craig (007. ‘Nuff said)
    4. Shemar Moore (simply delicious)
    5. Dwayne Johnson (when he’s not The Rock)

  • Rdrury

    Okay so I’m a bit of a geek…I see your Johnny Depps and Ryan Goslings and raise you this geektastic list:

    1. Colin Ferguson
    2. Cory Monteith
    3. Niall Matter
    4. Jerry O’Connell
    5. Chris Pine

    100 points and a new friend to anyone in this community who knows who they are and where all 5 of these guys are from!! :)

  • GratuitousGeek

    1. Karl Urban
    2. Chris Pine
    3. Gerard Butler
    4. Sully Erna (Godsmack)
    5. Robert Downey Jr./Jason Statham (depending on my mood)

    Oh, and Eliza Dushku, Kristen Bell and Selma Hayek would totally make the list… but 5 is not enough.

  • LittleMonkey

    You shameless hussies better back the eff away from my Ryan Gosling.

    Otherwise,
    #2 = Javier Bardem. Sweet Jeezus, that man is sex on a stick.
    #3 = Liam Neeson.
    #4 = Eric Church.
    #5 = Jason Ross & Thomas Juliano of 7M3. Together, separately, Roman orgy, it doesn’t really matter. I’d do ‘em.

  • lemoineau

    @Norabloom Kate Winslet has been The Woman on my list foreeeeever. God, she’s gorgeous.

    Ok, back to men. I seriously can’t put them in order of preference. They’re all pretty equally delicious.

    Jon Hamm (but only as Don Draper in Season 1 or 2)
    Alastair Mackenzie (as Archie MacDonald – oh, yes.)
    Colin Firth (as Mr. Darcy. Ooh, or as his character in “Love, Actually.” or, really, as anyone.)
    Indiana Jones
    Ioan Gruffudd circa 1998. Rawr.

  • micjer65

    Zach Galifianakis
    Colin Firth
    Dave Matthews
    Gerard Butler
    Willem Dafoe

  • lucesco

    Josh Holloway! How could I have left him off my list?? Sorry sexy!