there have been plenty of days where I found myself saying, "breathe in. breathe out. step. step. step. there is a blue car. there is a red car." sometimes the only way to hold on is to take it tiny fragment by tiny fragment. tons and tons of love to you in this hard, hard time. xoxo.

I'm just recently (like in the last few weeks) coming out of a deep pit of darkness myself. I remember telling a friend back in August, while we were waiting in line for the ferris wheel at the county fair with our kids, that I saw a pinhole of light at the end of the tunnel. Somehow that teeny tiny pinhole gave me enough hope to get through each day. Eventually that pinhole started to get bigger and bigger and now I'm starting to see daylight again.

I just watched "Precious" for the first time not too long ago. In it, she said, sometimes you come through the tunnel and find that the light that brought you through it was inside you the whole time. This was before I knew the bottom dropped out from under you. It stuck with me. You can do it, you can make it, you are strong enough to run a marathon, strong enough to give birth without drugs, you are strong enough to get through it. You have two little lights, that came from within you to help shine the way. Peace and prayers to you!

And by the way, the hair is lookin' great!

We are here, women and men alike pulling for you and the girls, for you and Jon, for just you, for just Jon, for some sort of comfort. No need to choose sides, no need to find the truth or the details, just to be here. I've been walking in the dark for almost two years now, my girls are my light and dinner always seems to get on the table. You are doing all of the right things, steady as she goes and keep one foot in front of the other. It'll be okay love, I promise.

First off, I think your hair and eyes, look very pretty! Secondly, you are so right - I'm drawn to your story, because it brings up my own painful feelings about parental separation. Our own story is what somehow makes us feel your pain, and why we keep coming back to how you are getting through this. I don't have the answers. I lost a friend for being too judgmental when she went through her divorce, so I've learned. Still feel sad thinking about it. I keep remembering that post you put up when you went on a date, and titled it, "Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong." When looking for it, I came across your U2 concert post. Again, a bit sad! BUT, that's my own pain, so whatever happens to you in your situation, I do hope that the light finds its way to you. :)

Two things:

One: Your hair looks fab!

Two: It will all be okay. I've been in that tunnel, and I've guided countless people through it. It has another side. I promise.

You are doing it right.

You are making dinner, and doing homework, and celebrating birthdays when all you want is to curl up in the fetal position in the warm indention that just fits your body on your side of the mattress.

My mantra when I was navigating a similar road with two small, perfect, beautiful, innocent daughters watching my every move? "Is this what is best for the girls?" If the answer was yes, then I did it. Even if it meant watching them drive away with their dad, knowing I wasn't going to see them for 48 hours, smiling and waving until they rounded the bend in the road and then letting myself collapse in sobbing heap once I knew they were out of sight. It's not just the big things...I would argue it's especially not the big things. It's being the grown up they need us to be, even when we are faking the hell out of it...because that's what's best for the girls.

And your hair does look fabulous!

I was out to dinner tonight with a friend who is also going through separation/divorce, and he said something (that his counselor had said to him) that I think is simple but wise: No matter how much you want to, you can't fast forward through this.

Really, we all have things we want to fast forward through. But we can't. And I think knowing that makes it more bearable, in a way. There's a sort of freedom and relief in acceptance. We can't fast forward. But we'll still get to wherever we're going, one day at a time.

Heather, I was just reading your post while listening to Pandora, and a song came on that for some reason seemed like it might fit where you're at right now. I don't know the lyrics, but the mood of it was both sad, nostalgic, hopeful, a little tortured...anyway, it's called "Be Here, Now" (relevant, no?) by Ray LaMontagne, on his album Til the Sun Turns Black. Worth a listen.

The comment I hear most often is, "things will be better after the divorce". To which I say, BULLSHIT. And to be clear, I'm so NOT suggesting (and so hoping that you're not) on the road to divorce because if so, I think it's fair to say I'm not the only who'd be shedding some major tears over that news.

But the thing about divorce - in my case - is that aside from the fact that you're no longer co-habitating, or that you can choose if & when you want to speak to your ex, when you have a child together & still have to co-parent, all the same issues that led to the divorce are still there. I still have to deal with a bullying, irrational, incapable of communicating in a logical manner, jerk who refuses to accept any accountability for anything in his life (why look inside yourself when you can just blame me?!) or how we got to this point, and who will stop at nothing when it comes to punishing and blaming me for finally being strong enough to leave him.

All I can do now is to concentrate on trying to understand myself, fix what has been damaged & broken, and to be fair, many of my issues existed long before he came along, but that's the beauty of marrying another co-dependant dysufunctional person who's dysfunction fits perfectly with your dysfunctions...you get to ignore your own problems in order to worry about theirs, and then 10 years later, you're all, OH FUCK, who the hell am I???. I know the person I'm meant to be is in here somewhere, and I will find her & let her out to play. I will find peace so that I can be finally know what contentment feels like. What drives me is wanting to be a healthy example for our daughter, and to hopefully change the path her life would certainly have been on otherwise. More than anything in the world, I want my daughter to be proud of me...proud of the choices I've made, of the life I live, of the way I treat myself & other people.

And while it's still hard to believe & accept that anything will really change, my light is June 4-5... the date my divorce trial is scheduled for. So if you're not doing anything that night, feel free to pop over & have an I'M FREE! cocktail with me ;)

Also, your growing-out hair is still gorgeous, which of course means you can go ahead & suck it :)

xoxo
@mamacreates

How about a song for you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIE5QtkxzvM

Sunglasses are so spot on. I've often wondered if the guys who run the deli in my building have wondered about me as I've worn them while rushing past them, repeating over and over, 'just get to the elevator, just get upstairs, then when you close the door you can collapse, but you have to get upstairs first.'

Battling the darkness is like a constant leap of faith. When people told me that it would get better, I smiled, nodded numbly, but didn't believe them. I knew the light at the end of the tunnel was there, because it had to be, but I didn't see it. So I trusted, blindly, that it was there.

To remind myself of the leap of faith that is living, consciously, I got the word tattooed on my skin - Trust. Trust yourself. Trust your heart. Trust that someday, somehow, it will be ok. Trust that even when you are lost, you have built a place where there is love to guide you.

LOVE how Cami can't just be there for you as a friend - which she clearly is a very very close one.
But more importantly she's an absolute rock for you right now. So basically SNUGGLE UP and kiss her face. ;)

Deep breaths. We love you.

One day your eyes will smile again.

When I started reading this post I honestly thought you were talking about your hair..oops!