I’m on a plane to Chicago to attend to some business meetings for the next couple of days and as usual I fell asleep during takeoff. I woke up only because I guess my body involuntarily jerked and I kicked the underside of the seat in front of me so hard that the top of my foot started bleeding. The woman next to me totally could have thought, great. Just my luck that I’m sitting next this wackadoo, except she didn’t even notice because she’s watching a tai chi video on her iPad AND SHE IS MIMICKING ALL THE MOVES. IN THE MIDDLE SEAT OF AN AIRPLANE. Her outstretched arm just came within three inches of my face. People have got to be like, what in the ever loving hell is going on in row 14?
If anyone asks I’m just going to shrug and tell them that we’re Mormon.
Could be a lot worse. We could be butt chuggers.
While I’m away my mother is picking up both girls and taking them to her cabin for a weekend getaway, a vacation she’s been planning for a few weeks. I never should have mentioned this to Leta when my mother first mentioned it to me because she has pretty much talked about nothing else since then. She’s all, when? When? When? And I’m all, I can’t hear you! What? I’ve gone deaf! Help!
As I kissed her goodbye this morning I told her to have a great time, to listen to my mom and be nice to her sister. She huffed and puffed and let out a little whine, so I pulled back to look her in the face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “I thought you were exited to go?”
“I am,” she said. “It’s just… when we get there I’ll have to eat and sleep at some point.”
I shook my head to clear my brain because I mistakenly thought she said she was going to have to eat and sleep.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear what you said.”
“I HATE eating and sleeping,” she explained. “Whenever I do those things I have to stop playing. Those are the worst things in the world.”
The worst things in the world.
I cupped her face with my hand and told her I understood, that she was going to have a good time regardless of those horrible, boring things.
If only I could take the eating and sleeping away from her. If only I could ease that pain. That agony. And then hoard it all for myself and give seventeen blow jobs to a box of chocolate cupcakes after waking up from a ten-hour nap.